(story)Eamdray Irlgay-1959 wrds-Inspired by Andrea
Patrick Null
one. Her story inspired me because I just love to work in different story
forms. I haven't had a lot of time, so it took me a while to finish it.
Anyway, thanks, Andrea, for the inspiration.
----------------------------------------------------
Eamdray Irlgay
by Patrick Null
Copyright August 2003
Wow, would you take a look at her?
--Who?
Her. The new secretary they hired. Pretty eyes, sexy smile, and one hell of
a body.
--Oh. Her. Yeah, I've seen her around.
Oh, My God, look. She's bending over. I swear I can see her nipples from
here.
--Is that a pencil in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?
No, I'm happy to see HER.
--Well, keep it in your pants, dude.
I think I'm in love.
--Her? Shit, she's outta your league. Hell, she's outta both of our leagues.
What's her name?
--Melanie, I think.
Melanie. Such a pretty name.
--Now, don't go getting any ideas, Michael. A girl like that-she'll squeeze
your nuts off and run away, your dick in one hand and your life savings in
the other.
Since when have you become such a cynic? Is it because your girlfriend
dumped you last week?
--No, dude. I've been around the block a few times. I know how women like
that operate.
Uh-huh. Hey, look, she's smiling at me.
--Yup, she sure is. You never miss a trick, do you?
She wants me.
--Dude. That's a "I'm new here, how are you doing?" smile, not a "give me
your number and I'll rock your world" smile.
Whatever. You're just jealous.
--Yeah. That's it. I gotta get back to work. Later, dude.
Later.
-----------
Work is boring, huh, Robert?
--Who? You?
No, you. It must be. You're constantly over here, bothering the shit out of
me.
--I just wanted to see if you asked her out yet.
Who?
--You know who.
It's only been twenty minutes.
--So?
Would you leave me the fuck alone? Look, I've got to turn this program in by
the end of the day, and I have to show that I've made some progress. Don't
you have anything to do?
--Not really.
I can't believe they pay you to walk around and look busy.
--Yeah, it's a hard life, but somebody's gotta do it. Besides, it's all
right as long as I don't get caught.
Well, don't look now, but there's your boss.
--Shit! Ottagay catsay.
Huh?
-----------
This food sucks. There should be laws against serving crap like this.
--Well, at least the bread has some color this time, dude. Nice shade of
green, huh?
That's just fucking disgusting. Thanks!
--No problem.
Hey, what was all that about earlier?
--What was what all about?
That "outtagay atscay" crap or whatever.
--Oh. Ottagay catsay. Pig Latin. I said "gotta scat."
I don't follow you.
--You've never heard of Pig Latin?
No.
--Never?!
No.
--Where the fuck have you been living? Under a God damn rock?
Well, I've heard of it. I've just never learned to speak it. Jesus, this
chicken is dry.
--Ok, listen up cause school's in session. All you do is take off the first
letters before the vowel and attach it to the end of the word with "ay." Got
it?
Yeah, I think so. When did you start speaking Pig Latin?
--Last week. It's my new hobby. I figure that if I practice it enough, I can
speak it fluently and then I can really fuck with people's minds. Someone
will ask me where the bathroom is and I'll say "atthay ayway, ownday theay
allhay, uckfay acefay."
You're weird.
--I never claimed I wasn't. Hey, there she is.
Who?
--Your eamdray irlgay.
Who?
--I thought you said you were paying attention.
I was. Sort of. Um...dream girl?
--Bingo. Well, are you going to look or not?
No.
--Why not?
We're through. I'm over her.
--What? This morning, you worshipped the ground she walked on, and now she's
like some infectious disease?
She's infectious, all right. I can't stop looking at her, can't stop
thinking about her. I'm not getting any work done. It's best that I drive
her from my mind. I have no chance anyway-guys like me never get noticed.
--C'mon, just one look. That won't hurt, will it?
No, I can't.
--C'mon, just one. You know you wanna.
I can't I won't I...wow, that's a pretty blouse she's wearing today. She's
beautiful.
--Isn't she?
Her perfect body, her tan legs, the way she crosses them, the way the light
shines off her red hair, the way she looks at you with those incredible blue
eyes as if you're the most important person in her universe, the way she
smiles...
--Mikey? Dude? You ok?
Fuck my low self esteem. I'm going to ask her out. I'll die if I don't.
--Um, usually, it's best if we just stare. Safer. That way, we can't get
hurt.
And fuck you. I don't need your sniveling voice in my right ear bringing me
down.
--Ok, whatever. It's your funeral dude.
---------------
--So, what happened?
She turned me down.
--I hate to say I told you so, but--
Yeah, you told me so. She said she was already seeing someone.
--Ummerbay. Say, can I have your chicken?
Sure. I've suddenly lost my appetite.
-------------
--You're never going to believe what I just found out.
Don't you ever do ANY work around here?
--On occasion. Guess who our mystery woman's boyfriend is?
Who?
--Bill Thompson.
Her boss?!
--Yup. Fucking slut.
Hey, don't call her that!
--C'mon, her plan is obvious. Put out a little bit, and then ride to the top
on a cloud full of her boss's testosterone.
You don't know that.
--Trust me on this one, huh?
Great. I can't compete with him. His weekly salary is more than I make in a
year.
--Chin up, buckaroo. There's more fish in the sea.
Yeah, but none like her. None like her.
------------------
--So, how long has it been now?
Eight months.
--Eight months? Wow.
Yeah, a long time. Still think she was after him for that promotion?
--Ok, I might have been wrong about that.
That's an understatement.
--C'est la vie.
What did you just say?
--C'est la vie.
Do you even know what that means?
--No, I just like saying it.
You're weird.
--You know, I'm going to start getting a complex around you, dude.
And you want to know something else? You're entirely too old to be using the
word "dude."
--Blame it on my friends and a kid who was too impressionable for his own
good. So...it's over between you and Melanie?
It was over before it began. I can't match the guy's money, good looks, or
charisma. Can you pass me another beer?
--Sure. Here you go.
Thanks.
Ah. Nothing like a good brewskie. Anyway, remember how our boss used to come
in every day, mean as spit and hard as nails, and pity the poor person who
got in his way first thing in the morning?
--Yeah, boy, do I remember. One day, an intern crossed his path and he was
sent to get coffee. When he came back and it was regular instead of decaf,
Bill took him into his office and reamed his ass for a good half hour. That
poor kid never came back.
I remember that day. Well, since he's met Melanie, it's like he did a
complete 360 degree turnaround. One day, the mail clerk accidentally chipped
Bill's desk with the mail truck, and Bill just looked up, smiled, and said
"that's ok, son. Accidents happen." Can you believe that shit? "Accidents
happen", my ass. The old Bill would never have overlooked such blatant
stupidity. The new Bill is all smiles, all handshakes, all friendly
greetings, all giggles as he stands there, holding Melanie, whispering God
knows what into her ears as if the office is their own personal bedroom, and
we get to stare at those lovebirds as if it isn't hard enough working under
deadlines, now I got that shit to deal with can't she see the hurt in my
eyes? the confusion on why she didn't pick me? And what has he got that I
don't have besides a 750, 000 dollar house and a couple of Camaros? And why
don't she look at me? Just one look, one ounce of god damn respect, that's
all I ask I'm still human I have feelings and so please look at me? Please?
Please? Please?
.......................................
--Itshay, dude, I thought you were over her.
I thought I was, too.
--Well, hell, if she can't see the wonderful person that you are, then she
doesn't deserve you, right?
Suppose.
--I mean, you're not the only fish in the sea.
Know what? Damn straight. Damn_fucking_straight!
--That's the spirit! Wanna go shoot some hoops now?
No, I'd rather wallow in my misery for a few more minutes.
--And you call ME weird?
---------------------
--Well, they've set the date.
When?
--The end of this year. Everyone from the office is invited.
Well, count me out.
--Even for free booze? I hear it's an open bar.
How do you know that?
--Melanie told me.
You talk to Melanie?
--Sometimes.
Thanks. I thought you were my friend.
--Hey, I'm not going to ignore her just because she ignores you.
--I'm sorry, you didn't deserve that.
You're right, I didn't. But it was justified. I might go just so I can
heckle the groom all night long. Quit looking at me like that, I'm joking. I
really DO wish them the best of luck. Honestly, I do.
-----------------------
--Strange Bill not showing up to work, huh?
Yeah.
--He's always here, isn't he?
That he is.
--Melanie really changed him.
Yup.
--Speaking of our sexy mama, I haven't seen her either. What'd they do?
Elope to Mexico or something?
Maybe. Anything's possible.
--Yeah, anything's possible, all right.
---------------------------
--Hey, guess what I just heard?
Are you allergic to work or something?
--Yeah. It makes me break a sweat and I hate that.
Sweat? You sit in an air conditioned office all day, in front of your
computer.
--Anyway, forget on ever seeing Bill again.
Oh?
--Yeah. They found his body this morning lying in the middle of his living
room, dead.
Really.
--Yeah, isn't that wild?
..................................
--Melanie is nowhere to be found. Where do you think the bitch went?
........................................
--Michael? Dude? Are you smiling?
Yeah. Just thinking of a funny joke, that's all.
----------------------
The meatloaf is dry, the bread is hard, and the pop is flat.
--Still complaining about the food, Mikey?
Yes. I mean, look at this crap. All the cooks should be locked up and the
key thrown away for cruel and unusual punishment toward their fellow man. I
wouldn't feed this shit to my dog.
--Yeah, well, guess what? They found your eamdray irlgay.
Really.
--Yup, in Michigan. Can you believe it? She got pulled over for speeding,
they ran her license, and now she is being brought in for questioning
concerning Bill's death. Turns out she has a pretty hefty motive. His
savings account was drained.
How do you know all this?
--I have a friend on the force. Do you get what I'm telling you? That could
have been your guts spilled all over the living room floor.
Wow. You're right.
--Now, how fortunate do you feel that her eyes didn't fasten onto you?
Pretty damn fortunate.
--How happy are you that you haven't moved up the corporate ladder?
Pretty happy. And I have no desire to move up now.
--Smart man. After all, just look at Bill.
Oh, don't get me wrong. If they offered me a promotion, I wouldn't turn it
down. It would just mean that I would have to hire a private investigator
every time I wanted to date, that's all.
--Ha! Always the jokester, dude, always the jokester. So...you want to shoot
some hoops after work?
You're on.
--Who knows? I might even let you beat me.
Uckfay ouyay, Robert, uckfay ouyay.
Allegory60
Hankers
Patrick Null
"Allegory60" <alleg...@aol.com> wrote in message
news:20030826003227...@mb-m07.aol.com...
> Cute. Inspiration to perspiraton.
Heh. Is this your new humorous approach, Hank? :-)
Thanks for reading.
Allegory60
>
>Heh. Is this your new humorous approach, Hank? :-)
>
>Thanks for reading.
>
Who said I read it? :)~
Hunkering Hank
Patrick Null
Then why'd ya reply, ya ignoramous?
Boy, some people!
Allegory60
>
>Then why'd ya reply, ya ignoramous?
>
>Boy, some people!
>
Yeah. Some peeple's kidz too. Yeah I read it. Still think it's ootkay uffstay.
Ankhay
Fraser
Certainly something different from you. I followed the dialogue quite
easily, although you may have over-uesd the 'dude' identification device a
bit. I have to say that I don't really get the pig-latin aspect -- would the
story suffer if you removed it? I don't think so.
Also, and this an unfair criticism based on your usual clean on-group
language, I can't help but feel a little stumble each time one of your
characters swears! Maybe it's a question of frequency; if every other word
was f**k, or if you only had one or two at dramatic moments, then it might
seem more natural. Seemed almost as if you were doling out an eff here and a
sh*t there in a conscious effort to make these guys sound a certain way.
The story itself: not the strongest of yours I've read. It was interesting
enough to finish, but there wasn't a lot of oomph in the 'twist' ending for
me. Possible suggestions...put your character in more immediate danger, have
her string him along, let him get much closer to his boss's fate than he
does now, so that the escape at the end has more impact and the nature of
the femme fatale is even more clearly drawn.
Just some opinions, Pat. Use or not.
Fraser
"Patrick Null" <pat...@earthlink.net> wrote in message
news:bienhp$8gmdb$1...@ID-173005.news.uni-berlin.de...
Wildepad
<pat...@earthlink.net> wrote:
>Ever since Andrea posted that all dialogue piece, I've been working on this
>one. Her story inspired me because I just love to work in different story
>forms. I haven't had a lot of time, so it took me a while to finish it.
>Anyway, thanks, Andrea, for the inspiration.
>
>----------------------------------------------------
>
>Eamdray Irlgay
>
>by Patrick Null
>
>Copyright August 2003
Interesting, but, I'm sad to say, unlike Andrea's story (if I'm
thinking of the right one), imo you never really established a
separate voice for the characters.
Svira Kurcu
I'm having trouble deciding what to think. People don't need me to be
their lawyer, so I'll do my best to avoid it. I'm keeping firmly in
mind that the characters are not the author, but the fact that Melanie
apparently murders her boss for his money is very, very difficult to
ignore. That *is* the author speaking.
Let me stop politely clearing my throat and just say it. This is a
misogynistic piece of crap. But it's well written. Dialogues - which I
define as a script with no stage directions - are tough to do. You've
combined the technical elements beautifully. The two characters are
unlikeable. The cheaply cliche events are difficult to stomach: a
beautiful woman goes after the richest guy in the office - of course! -
and then marries him so she can murder him for his money - of course!
And she doesn't get to utter a single word to explain her motivations.
But John Norman's Gor books tell us that's the way women are, so they
must be; right? Sorry, but wrong. Your characters need to realize
their own age, get past the adolescent testosterone and self-centred
gimminess, and approach people of both sexes as human beings. It's not
hard. And they would find out just how fundamentally human both sexes are.
That's all I choose to say for now.
the Whistler
DJVB
Read them both, dropped out of Andrea's about halfway through and yours
just after the pig-latin began. Theme and form were a problem for me in
both stories, but I am probably not well suited to judge dialogue pieces
-- it's a personality thing <g>.
Would I sit down in the cubicle next to these guys and eavesdrop? Not
on a bet! Other than the pig-latin, that is the biggest problem with
the piece. Without the other story elements, you need characters that I
_want_ to eavesdrop on, or a conversation that I just have to hear.
Glad ya posted it <g>, my foray into the form (which certainly qualifies
for the current festival) might get a revisit.
DJ
--
reply to: DJ_Von_Braun at gbronline dot (com)ments
Fraser
"Svira Kurcu" <viathna...@sympatico.ca> wrote in message
news:Vt73b.2587$_F1.4...@news20.bellglobal.com...
Yeah, and what do you say to that, Pat, you misogynistic bastard you? You
should be ashamed of yourself for creating characters that act like some
real-life people do. How dare you portray a _woman_ as a murderous thief,
dammit?! Have you no political savvy?
And as for those two neanderthals...Jesus, do they need to realise lots of
things.
From now on, I expect to see an immediate improvement in your attitude.
Women _must_ be portrayed as innocents, and preferably as victims of male
oppression to boot. Every male character must be a likeable, fully-rounded
Renaissance Man, or well on his way to becoming one. There'll be no more of
this limited-viewpoint crap, either. I don't care if you're writing a
dialogue -- all characters must be allowed to break in and justify their
actions, just in case you offend their rights or my sensibilities.
You got all that?
Fraser
<shaking his head>
Svira Kurcu
the Whistler
nativelaw
----- Original Message -----
From: "Svira Kurcu" <viathna...@sympatico.ca>
Newsgroups: alt.fiction.original
Sent: Wednesday, August 27, 2003 3:18 PM
Subject: Re: (story)Eamdray Irlgay-1959 wrds-Inspired by Andrea
> Patrick:
>
> I'm having trouble deciding what to think.
... which should have been your first sign that you were having an emotional
reaction to the piece.
People don't need me to be
> their lawyer,
what does being a lawyer have to do with critiquing a piece of fiction that
has nothing to do with law or lawsuits?
so I'll do my best to avoid it. I'm keeping firmly in
> mind that the characters are not the author, but the fact that Melanie
> apparently murders her boss for his money is very, very difficult to
> ignore. That *is* the author speaking.
Svira, you're wrong here when you suggest this is personal. I'm adding my
.02 here because I think it's an important point.
You say you think the plot is trite. And you think the ending degrades the
female character. But I'm curious -- does a movie with a bad guy that
does bad things to other men inspire a similar reaction? In othe words, do
you just rail at the cliche? or do you also accuse the author of hating men?
To the extent you thought the plot is cliche, fine. When you take it
further into your emotional overreaction, waffling/don't know what to
think/trying to be polite/you all don't need me as lawyer you are
disrespecting Pat as an author and as a human being by implying that which
isn't there. We should not only feel free to ignore you, _you_ should feel
free to ignore you, too.
Fraser
> Okay, okay, I get the point. Feel free to ignore me the next time.
There's no reason for me to ignore you, Svira. It was, imo, a bad crit, not
mass murder. You might want to just ignore me instead.
Fraser
>
> the Whistler
>
> Fraser wrote:
>
> > "Svira Kurcu" <viathna...@sympatico.ca> wrote in message
> > news:Vt73b.2587$_F1.4...@news20.bellglobal.com...
> >
<snip>
Michael
Hi, Pat!
>
> Eamdray Irlgay
>
> by Patrick Null
>
> Copyright August 2003
>
>
>
> Wow, would you take a look at her?
>
> --Who?
>
> Her. The new secretary they hired. Pretty eyes, sexy smile, and one hell of
> a body.
>
If this is dialogue, wouldn't he say something like "check her out,"
instead of just describing what they can both see?
> --Oh. Her. Yeah, I've seen her around.
>
> Oh, My God, look. She's bending over. I swear I can see her nipples from
> here.
>
> --Is that a pencil in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?
>
> No, I'm happy to see HER.
>
> --Well, keep it in your pants, dude.
>
> I think I'm in love.
>
> --Her? Shit, she's outta your league. Hell, she's outta both of our leagues.
>
> What's her name?
>
> --Melanie, I think.
>
> Melanie. Such a pretty name.
>
> --Now, don't go getting any ideas, Michael. A girl like that-she'll squeeze
> your nuts off and run away, your dick in one hand and your life savings in
> the other.
I'm commencing legal proceedings ;o)
>
> Since when have you become such a cynic? Is it because your girlfriend
> dumped you last week?
>
> --No, dude. I've been around the block a few times. I know how women like
> that operate.
>
> Uh-huh. Hey, look, she's smiling at me.
>
> --Yup, she sure is. You never miss a trick, do you?
>
> She wants me.
>
> --Dude. That's a "I'm new here, how are you doing?" smile, not a "give me
> your number and I'll rock your world" smile.
>
> Whatever. You're just jealous.
>
> --Yeah. That's it. I gotta get back to work. Later, dude.
>
> Later.
>
Pretty funny start, Pat. Good pace. Enjoyed it.
Like, show, don't tell, dude. "Fuck my low self esteem" isn't
plausible dialogue.
If they both remember it, they wouldn't stretch it out like that, or
at least the narrator would be "you remember the time when...", not
"one day," - make sense?
> Well, since he's met Melanie, it's like he did a
> complete 360 degree turnaround. One day, the mail clerk accidentally chipped
> Bill's desk with the mail truck, and Bill just looked up, smiled, and said
> "that's ok, son. Accidents happen." Can you believe that shit? "Accidents
> happen", my ass. The old Bill would never have overlooked such blatant
> stupidity. The new Bill is all smiles, all handshakes, all friendly
> greetings, all giggles as he stands there, holding Melanie, whispering God
> knows what into her ears as if the office is their own personal bedroom, and
> we get to stare at those lovebirds as if it isn't hard enough working under
> deadlines, now I got that shit to deal with can't she see the hurt in my
> eyes? the confusion on why she didn't pick me? And what has he got that I
> don't have besides a 750, 000 dollar house and a couple of Camaros? And why
> don't she look at me? Just one look, one ounce of god damn respect, that's
> all I ask I'm still human I have feelings and so please look at me? Please?
> Please? Please?
Nicely done. Stream of conciousness is always good.
> .......................................
>
> --Itshay, dude, I thought you were over her.
>
> I thought I was, too.
>
> --Well, hell, if she can't see the wonderful person that you are, then she
> doesn't deserve you, right?
>
> Suppose.
>
> --I mean, you're not the only fish in the sea.
Huh? She's not the only...?
Nice, Pat. I liked this. The message isn't offensive to me, as it's
the characters who are doing the telling so a pinch of salt is always
a good idea. I thought you carried this well, but I have to say that a
good edit wouldn't hurt, just to get some of the superfluous dialogue
out. It's vaguely reminiscent of Kevin SMith's earlier scripts, but
they're a believable pair of friends and the story's a good one. Good
work, amigo.
Michael
Svira Kurcu
nativelaw wrote:
> To the extent you thought the plot is cliche, fine. When you take it
> further into your emotional overreaction, waffling/don't know what to
> think/trying to be polite/you all don't need me as lawyer you are
> disrespecting Pat as an author and as a human being by implying that which
> isn't there. We should not only feel free to ignore you, _you_ should feel
> free to ignore you, too.
<sigh> We've had this conversation before, and apparently I didn't
learn from it. My apologies to all, especially Patrick. Maybe I'll try
to sit on posts for a day from now on and re-read them before I send them.
the Whistler
nativelaw
"Svira Kurcu" <viathna...@sympatico.ca> wrote in message
news:5vs3b.2081$O05.5...@news20.bellglobal.com...
You are very gracious; I don't mean to make a bigger deal over anything than
it is.
Quadpus
>
> --Where the fuck have you been living? Under a God damn rock?
goddamn
> --Last week. It's my new hobby. I figure that if I practice it enough, I can
> speak it fluently and then I can really fuck with people's minds. Someone
> will ask me where the bathroom is and I'll say "atthay ayway, ownday theay
> allhay, uckfay acefay."
Shouldn't that be "ethay?"
> And what has he got that I don't have besides a 750, 000 dollar house
> and a couple of Camaros?
Heh. Camaros?
> --Who knows? I might even let you beat me.
>
> Uckfay ouyay, Robert, uckfay ouyay.
Funny. Good characterization. Slightly gynophobic. Nice, authentic
dialogue -- it carries the story well enough on its own. A more
elaborate murder mystery, told and solved entirely through dialogue,
might be an interesting and rewarding experiment to try.
Carter8882
by Patrick Null
Copyright August 2003
>>>>Since when have you become such a cynic? Is it because your girlfriend
dumped you last week?
Clunk. I think you could finesse that a little better. It sounds like a line
of dialogue from a sitcom pilot.
That's really the only nit as far as dialogue goes.
It's a cute story. If I had anything to suggest, I might say the dialogue is
really between the wrong characters. I think if it was between Melanie and the
guy you'd have more opportunity to show rather than tell. You'd also have a
more dynamic relationship. The relationship between the two speakers lacks any
real definition.
If you decide not to revamp with Melanie as a speaker, you might introduce a
little more dramatic tension between these two men. Are they competing on some
level? There seem to be hints of jealousy between the two. I think you could
explore that a little more.
Scott
nativelaw
Hi, Pat!
"Patrick Null" <pat...@earthlink.net> wrote in message
news:bienhp$8gmdb$1...@ID-173005.news.uni-berlin.de...
> Ever since Andrea posted that all dialogue piece, I've been working on
this
> one. Her story inspired me because I just love to work in different story
> forms.
It's so cool to work in a new form, isn't it? And a challenge!
Comments in the body:
> Eamdray Irlgay
>
> by Patrick Null
>
> Copyright August 2003
>
>
>
> Wow, would you take a look at her?
>
> --Who?
>
> Her. The new secretary they hired. Pretty eyes, sexy smile, and one hell
of
> a body.
>
> --Oh. Her. Yeah, I've seen her around.
>
> Oh, My God, look. She's bending over. I swear I can see her nipples from
> here.
>
> --Is that a pencil in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?
That's variation on an old line... Mae West is it? Is he trying to be
insulting by pencil instead of rocket? <g>. Funny.
>
> No, I'm happy to see HER.
>
> --Well, keep it in your pants, dude.
>
> I think I'm in love.
>
> --Her? Shit, she's outta your league. Hell, she's outta both of our
leagues.
In conversation I can imagine this much cursing (prefacing both lines) but I
think it flows better in story form if you drop one of them.
hat's her name?
>
> --Melanie, I think.
>
> Melanie. Such a pretty name.
>
> --Now, don't go getting any ideas, Michael. A girl like that-she'll
squeeze
> your nuts off and run away, your dick in one hand and your life savings in
> the other.
>
Foreshadowing?
> Since when have you become such a cynic? Is it because your girlfriend
> dumped you last week?
>
> --No, dude. I've been around the block a few times. I know how women like
> that operate.
>
> Uh-huh. Hey, look, she's smiling at me.
>
> --Yup, she sure is. You never miss a trick, do you?
>
> She wants me.
>
> --Dude. That's a "I'm new here, how are you doing?" smile, not a "give me
> your number and I'll rock your world" smile.
>
> Whatever. You're just jealous.
>
> --Yeah. That's it. I gotta get back to work. Later, dude.
>
> Later.
>
> -----------
>
> Work is boring, huh, Robert?
>
> --Who? You?
Who, you didn't seem like it would be an answer to "work" is boring... seems
like a yes or no kind of question. Or is it like "to who? you?" If so I
think for story purposes the "to" would help.
>
> No, you. It must be. You're constantly over here, bothering the shit out
of
> me.
>
> --I just wanted to see if you asked her out yet.
>
> Who?
>
> --You know who.
>
> It's only been twenty minutes.
That threw me. I was expecting a greater elapse of time, FWIW ... not sure
it matters. I thinks it a reference to "constantly over here" just coming
now in the second part, when there's been one visit we know of.
One thing that threw me here. These guys are working age but I'm trying to
place their age, for story purposes. I learned pig latin when I was 12 or
13 and I think that's part of the problem I'm having, that one of them at
this more advanced age is using it, and the other hasn't heard of it.
>
> You're weird.
>
> --I never claimed I wasn't. Hey, there she is.
>
> Who?
>
> --Your eamdray irlgay.
>
> Who?
>
> --I thought you said you were paying attention.
>
> I was. Sort of. Um...dream girl?
>
> --Bingo. Well, are you going to look or not?
>
> No.
>
> --Why not?
>
> We're through. I'm over her.
>
> --What? This morning, you worshipped the ground she walked on, and now
she's
> like some infectious disease?
>
> She's infectious, all right. I can't stop looking at her, can't stop
> thinking about her. I'm not getting any work done. It's best that I drive
> her from my mind. I have no chance anyway-guys like me never get noticed.
Would he decide all of this in a matter of hours? (Possibly, if he is
young; but it might come through more effectively if his thinking about her
went on for days unless you really beef up the satire aspect of our instant
gratification, make it clear he's not being serious -- I mean, like, it's
been a whole hour, man <g>.
>
> --C'mon, just one look. That won't hurt, will it?
>
> No, I can't.
>
> --C'mon, just one. You know you wanna.
>
> I can't I won't I...wow, that's a pretty blouse she's wearing today. She's
> beautiful.
Would he say, "she's wearing "today"'? or just "she's wearing"? I think
today screws me up by some implication they've been discussing more than one
day and I'm reading this as all still the same day by comments like
"earlier" etc.
>
> --Isn't she?
>
> Her perfect body, her tan legs, the way she crosses them, the way the
light
> shines off her red hair, the way she looks at you with those incredible
blue
> eyes as if you're the most important person in her universe, the way she
> smiles...
These are great details... I would love to see them interspersed more and
building to this
>
> --Mikey? Dude? You ok?
>
> Fuck my low self esteem. I'm going to ask her out. I'll die if I don't.
Would he say this first line? I'd think just, "fuck it".
>
> --Um, usually, it's best if we just stare. Safer. That way, we can't get
> hurt.
I like Robert's line here, but it almost sounds too thoughtful for Robert.
>
> And fuck you. I don't need your sniveling voice in my right ear bringing
me
> down.
>
> --Ok, whatever. It's your funeral dude.
funeral, dude
Gnarly <g>
>
> ---------------
>
> --So, what happened?
>
> She turned me down.
>
> --I hate to say I told you so, but--
>
> Yeah, you told me so. She said she was already seeing someone.
>
> --Ummerbay. Say, can I have your chicken?
>
> Sure. I've suddenly lost my appetite.
I take it they're eating in a large cafeteria of a large corporation or
something... I wouldn't mind knowing more about where they are if you can
introduce it in some way
>
> -------------
>
> --You're never going to believe what I just found out.
Wouldn't Robert say, "dude" or something <g> -- some speaker attribution
here w/b helpful up front
>
> Don't you ever do ANY work around here?
To make it snappier dialogue, I'd go with, "Don't you ever do any work?" or
"Don't you ever work?"
Also, I'd like an indication as to how much time has elapsed, whether it's
still the same day
>
> --On occasion. Guess who our mystery woman's boyfriend is?
Not sure he would call her "our mystery woman" here. Doesn't sound like
Robert. Sounds like he would say more like, some crude reference to Michael
being infatuated with her or something
>
> Who?
>
> --Bill Thompson.
>
> Her boss?!
>
> --Yup. Fucking slut.
>
> Hey, don't call her that!
>
> --C'mon, her plan is obvious. Put out a little bit, and then ride to the
top
> on a cloud full of her boss's testosterone.
You've planted seeds for Robert's overthetop reaction of suspicion about
women here, but I think when Michael responds, he needs to be more agog
tthan "you don't know that".
>
> You don't know that.
>
> --Trust me on this one, huh?
>
> Great. I can't compete with him. His weekly salary is more than I make in
a
> year.
>
> --Chin up, buckaroo. There's more fish in the sea.
>
> Yeah, but none like her. None like her.
Not sure of the repetition, I think saying it once is enough.
>
> ------------------
>
> --So, how long has it been now?
>
> Eight months.
>
> --Eight months? Wow.
>
> Yeah, a long time. Still think she was after him for that promotion?
>
> --Ok, I might have been wrong about that.
What? Robert, dude, admitting he's wrong? <g>
>
> That's an understatement.
>
> --C'est la vie.
>
> What did you just say?
>
> --C'est la vie.
>
> Do you even know what that means?
>
> --No, I just like saying it.
>
> You're weird.
"C'est la vie" is such a common statement, would he really not know what it
means? I think people that don't know foreign language would still know
that one (could be wrong)
>
> --You know, I'm going to start getting a complex around you, dude.
>
> And you want to know something else? You're entirely too old to be using
the
> word "dude."
>
> --Blame it on my friends and a kid who was too impressionable for his own
> good. So...it's over between you and Melanie?
That line about "blame it on friends" once again sounds to thoughtful and
even more mature than we're used to from Robert. I think he needs evening
for the sake of the story... it's hard to know if you're intending his
character development as being intentional unless you have Michael remark,
for ex, that he's changed
>
> It was over before it began. I can't match the guy's money, good looks, or
> charisma. Can you pass me another beer?
>
> --Sure. Here you go.
>
> Thanks.
>
> Ah. Nothing like a good brewskie. Anyway, remember how our boss used to
come
> in every day, mean as spit and hard as nails, and pity the poor person who
> got in his way first thing in the morning?
I think that these details about the boss should come earlier... when they
first mention the relationship, maybe one could, instead of just remarking
on his money, also get in that he's a bastard, "I don't know what she sees
in him" kind of thing, rather than presenting his change all at once here
>
> --Yeah, boy, do I remember. One day, an intern crossed his path and he was
> sent to get coffee. When he came back and it was regular instead of decaf,
> Bill took him into his office and reamed his ass for a good half hour.
That
> poor kid never came back.
>
> I remember that day. Well, since he's met Melanie, it's like he did a
> complete 360 degree turnaround. One day, the mail clerk accidentally
chipped
> Bill's desk with the mail truck, and Bill just looked up, smiled, and said
> "that's ok, son. Accidents happen." Can you believe that shit? "Accidents
> happen", my ass. The old Bill would never have overlooked such blatant
> stupidity. The new Bill is all smiles, all handshakes, all friendly
> greetings, all giggles as he stands there, holding Melanie, whispering God
> knows what into her ears as if the office is their own personal bedroom,
and
> we get to stare at those lovebirds as if it isn't hard enough working
under
> deadlines, now I got that shit to deal with can't she see the hurt in my
> eyes?
Should "can't she see" be a new line?
the confusion on why she didn't pick me? And what has he got that I
> don't have besides a 750, 000 dollar house and a couple of Camaros? And
why
> don't she look at me? Just one look, one ounce of god damn respect, that's
> all I ask I'm still human I have feelings and so please look at me?
Please?
> Please? Please?
This dialogue seems too much to be spoken, I think. And no three pleases at
the end. It's emotional stuff, I think, though it's partly tongue in cheek.
>
> .......................................
>
> --Itshay, dude, I thought you were over her.
>
> I thought I was, too.
>
> --Well, hell, if she can't see the wonderful person that you are, then she
> doesn't deserve you, right?
There could be some more in here, showing interaction between them, that
would make this more plausible. We have no indication other than that they
work together, that there's ever been any contact.
>
> Suppose.
Would he say this? or just "yeah" or "I guess".
>
> --I mean, you're not the only fish in the sea.
Is this a joke here? Or is it supposed to be "she's not..."
>
> Know what? Damn straight. Damn_fucking_straight!
>
> --That's the spirit! Wanna go shoot some hoops now?
>
> No, I'd rather wallow in my misery for a few more minutes.
>
> --And you call ME weird?
It's hard to follow his rollercoaster of emotion here for a little while
without more cues. This is tough to do with all dialogue, isn't it?
>
> ---------------------
>
> --Well, they've set the date.
>
> When?
>
> --The end of this year. Everyone from the office is invited.
>
> Well, count me out.
>
> --Even for free booze? I hear it's an open bar.
>
> How do you know that?
How do you know that? feels misplaced. he'd question the information source
earlier, I think, if he isn't attributing the whole thing to just water
cooler gossip
Wild is not would I would describe here... more details maybe as to what
happened
>
> ..................................
>
> --Melanie is nowhere to be found. Where do you think the bitch went?
>
> ........................................
>
> --Michael? Dude? Are you smiling?
>
> Yeah. Just thinking of a funny joke, that's all.
>
> ----------------------
>
> The meatloaf is dry, the bread is hard, and the pop is flat.
>
> --Still complaining about the food, Mikey?
>
> Yes. I mean, look at this crap. All the cooks should be locked up and the
> key thrown away for cruel and unusual punishment toward their fellow man.
I
> wouldn't feed this shit to my dog.
>
> --Yeah, well, guess what? They found your eamdray irlgay.
>
> Really.
>
> --Yup, in Michigan.
We don't know what state they're in through all this (other than sounded
like surfer boys from California, or the stereotype thereof) so introducing
Michigan doesn't help here
Can you believe it? She got pulled over for speeding,
> they ran her license, and now she is being brought in for questioning
> concerning Bill's death. Turns out she has a pretty hefty motive. His
> savings account was drained.
Pretty hefty motive? Till now I have no reason to think Bill's death is a
homicide. Just because he dies in his livingroom... it could easily be a
heart attack. And there doesn't seem to be enough logical to this... if she
killed him and drained his savings and then disappeared, why wouldn't she
think she'd be caught?
It would also help to build the change in their relationship a little bit...
he goes from being a bastard to smiling all the time now that he's (in love,
getting laid, fill in the blanks <g>) and then he'd dead... I get the sense
you're rushing this and it needs more time
>
> How do you know all this?
>
> --I have a friend on the force. Do you get what I'm telling you? That
could
> have been your guts spilled all over the living room floor.
>
> Wow. You're right.
>
> --Now, how fortunate do you feel that her eyes didn't fasten onto you?
>
> Pretty damn fortunate.
>
> --How happy are you that you haven't moved up the corporate ladder?
>
> Pretty happy. And I have no desire to move up now.
>
> --Smart man. After all, just look at Bill.
The dialogue doesn't seem real because he can't "look at Bill" right then
>
> Oh, don't get me wrong. If they offered me a promotion, I wouldn't turn it
> down. It would just mean that I would have to hire a private investigator
> every time I wanted to date, that's all.
>
> --Ha! Always the jokester, dude, always the jokester. So...you want to
shoot
> some hoops after work?
>
> You're on.
>
> --Who knows? I might even let you beat me.
>
> Uckfay ouyay, Robert, uckfay ouyay.
Wow! Well the ending seems too abrupt, Pat. He's so infatuated with her
and then the two of them find out she killed the boss (or they think she
did) and that Robert's overthetop fears from the beginning were born out and
they just go shoot hoops? It's a neat idea to explore, it fits Harpers
challenge of the unattainable woman infatuation (though this isn't a
challenge entry explicitly) and you do a good job introducing the two guys
but they need to be distinguished more and I think the dialogue needs
beefing up and slowing down or being more needed all in various places.
But I love that you did this! The concept is great and so neat to work
with, isn't it? You really have to challenge yourself, it's like writing a
play, and it really stretches you from what you're used to. You did a great
job and I really enjoyed it.
Andrea
Alaric McDermott
stuff. Bit different, though. It's an "ayg" after every consonant or
consonant combination except an end one. So you'd be "Paygatraygick
Naygull." We can confuse people (including ourselves) for ours.
This was excellent, Paygatraygick. Involved straight away and all the
way through. Great plot, tight dialogue, even a red herring - I
thought our guy might be the murderer. Waygell daygone.
"Patrick Null" <pat...@earthlink.net> wrote in message news:<bienhp$8gmdb$1...@ID-173005.news.uni-berlin.de>...
Patrick Null
"Fraser" <fra...@hotmail.com> wrote in message
news:bihbaa$990dp$1...@ID-116198.news.uni-berlin.de...
> Hi Pat
Hi, Fraser! Sorry this took so long.
>
> Certainly something different from you.
Ya think? <G>
>I followed the dialogue quite
> easily, although you may have over-uesd the 'dude' >identification device
a
> bit.
Hmmmm..........I don't know about that one. You might be right and I can
certainly see what you are saying, but people who use that word say it all
the time. I think I was trying to paint a picture and make this guy sound
different from the narrator, and in an all dialogue story, that's a must.
That is what I was trying to accomplish with the "dude" and the pig latin; I
was trying to give this story some much needed flavor and differentiation
between the characters. I don't know if it worked, but there you have it.
>I have to say that I don't really get the pig-latin aspect ->- would the
> story suffer if you removed it? I don't think so.
Probably not, but the pig latin adds to the characterization, imo, and it's
a little something different. Besides, I'm stuck on the idea. :-)
> Also, and this an unfair criticism based on your usual >clean on-group
> language, I can't help but feel a little stumble each time >one of your
> characters swears! Maybe it's a question of frequency; >if every other
word
> was f**k, or if you only had one or two at dramatic >moments, then it
might
> seem more natural. Seemed almost as if you were >doling out an eff here
and a
> sh*t there in a conscious effort to make these guys >sound a certain way.
You could be right here. I'll have to give this some thought. Thanks, pal.
>
> The story itself: not the strongest of yours I've read.
Why you little..........
>It was interesting
> enough to finish,
Oh. Whew!
> but there wasn't a lot of oomph in the 'twist' ending for
> me.
Why you little......
> Possible suggestions...put your character in more >immediate danger, have
> her string him along, let him get much closer to his >boss's fate than he
> does now, so that the escape at the end has more >impact and the nature of
> the femme fatale is even more clearly drawn.
>
> Just some opinions, Pat. Use or not.
Very good suggestions, Fraser, which I might incorporate next time I revisit
this story. But it's unlikely. I would much rather write new stuff. :-)
The whole idea played out as a what if kind of thing: what if a guy was
interested in a girl, but she never pays attention to him, and as fate would
have it, it's lucky she didn't. I agree that having him get closer would
add more impact. Hmmmmm.........gears are turning.
I'm sorry that you didn't find this as enjoyable as my other ones-I can't
remember if you read and commented on "Cracked reflection"-it's my best
story-, but this story was just an experiment.
Thanks for commenting, Fraser. Means a lot to see you in my neck of the
woods, even if it took me a while to open up the door.
Take care.
Patrick Null
"Wildepad" <capu...@hesenergy.net> wrote in message
news:n4cokv0d4lts57ntn...@4ax.com...
Sigh.
I tried to do that with the "dude" and the pig latin. There are more
options and tools in a traditional story on keeping the characters
separate-in a dialogue story, it's kinda hard. I guess I failed.
Thanks for reading, Wild.
Fraser
>
> "Fraser" <fra...@hotmail.com> wrote in message
> news:bihbaa$990dp$1...@ID-116198.news.uni-berlin.de...
> > Hi Pat
>
> Hi, Fraser! Sorry this took so long.
Not a problem. I'll just never review a Pat Null story again.
> >I followed the dialogue quite
> > easily, although you may have over-uesd the 'dude' >identification
device
> a
> > bit.
>
> Hmmmm..........I don't know about that one. You might be right and I can
> certainly see what you are saying, but people who use that word say it all
> the time. I think I was trying to paint a picture and make this guy sound
> different from the narrator, and in an all dialogue story, that's a must.
> That is what I was trying to accomplish with the "dude" and the pig latin;
I
> was trying to give this story some much needed flavor and differentiation
> between the characters. I don't know if it worked, but there you have it.
Sure. It's bloody hard, I realize now. This story of yours made me try an
all-dialogue thing, and that was a lot more difficult than I thought it
would be. There's a thin golden line between artificial-sounding identifiers
and the confusion of too few identifiers. Fun, though.
>
> >I have to say that I don't really get the pig-latin aspect ->- would the
> > story suffer if you removed it? I don't think so.
>
> Probably not, but the pig latin adds to the characterization, imo, and
it's
> a little something different. Besides, I'm stuck on the idea. :-)
>
Well good for you!
> >
> > Just some opinions, Pat. Use or not.
>
> Very good suggestions, Fraser, which I might incorporate next time I
revisit
> this story. But it's unlikely. I would much rather write new stuff. :-)
> The whole idea played out as a what if kind of thing: what if a guy was
> interested in a girl, but she never pays attention to him, and as fate
would
> have it, it's lucky she didn't. I agree that having him get closer would
> add more impact. Hmmmmm.........gears are turning.
big gears keep on turnin', Pat's prose keeps on burnin'....uh, sorry. Having
a Creedence moment.
>
> I'm sorry that you didn't find this as enjoyable as my other ones-I can't
> remember if you read and commented on "Cracked reflection"-it's my best
> story-, but this story was just an experiment.
>
I didn't even see that one, I don't think. I'll Google for it.
> Thanks for commenting, Fraser. Means a lot to see you in my neck of the
> woods, even if it took me a while to open up the door.
>
I understand. Those rubber suits take an age to get off.
> Take care.
>
U2.
Patrick Null
>
> "Patrick Null" <pat...@earthlink.net> wrote in message
> news:bk0ku2$np1tn$1...@ID-173005.news.uni-berlin.de...
> >
> > "Fraser" <fra...@hotmail.com> wrote in message
> > news:bihbaa$990dp$1...@ID-116198.news.uni-berlin.de...
can't
> > remember if you read and commented on "Cracked >>reflection"-it's my
best
> > story-, but this story was just an experiment.
> >
>
> I didn't even see that one, I don't think. I'll Google for >it.
Be warned. It was written for a Bob W. challenge, so there are a lot of
ambiguitues, hidden meanings, symbolism, metaphors, similes.
If you're still wondering what the hell is going on by the end of the story,
google up "Cracked Reflection cliff notes"-that'll explain the entire story
and what it's about.
Thanks again, Fraser.
Patrick Null
> Patrick:
Svira, how's it hanging?
>
> I'm having trouble deciding what to think.
Here, I'll help you. This story is da bomb.
> People don't need me to be
> their lawyer,
(this story is da bomb)
>so I'll do my best to avoid it.
(this story is da bomb)
> I'm keeping firmly in
> mind that the characters are not the author, but the fact >that Melanie
> apparently murders her boss for his money is very, >very difficult to
> ignore.
(this story is da bomb)
>That *is* the author speaking.
(this story is da bomb)
Ok, I'll quit trying to brainwash you for a minute, and address this, if I
may. I can't agree that it's me speaking(it was the way the story was meant
to be played out), but I can agree that it is a cliche plot. Unfortunately,
I'm also cliche tone deaf. Go figure. And also, this is the only plot that
my dull witted mind could think of in an all dialogue piece. My bad.
>
> Let me stop politely clearing my throat and just say it.
(this story's da bomb)
>This is a
> misogynistic piece of crap.
(this story's da...)
What?? Why you little.....
> But it's well written.
Oh. Whew. As long as you say it like that, I'm all right.
>Dialogues - which I
> define as a script with no stage directions - are tough >to do. You've
> combined the technical elements beautifully.
Why, thank you!
>The two characters are
> unlikeable.
Really? I will have to work on that. Is it because they cuss and complain
a lot about the food and what not? Hmmmm.....I just imagined them as a
couple of ordinary guys sitting around and oggling a beautiful woman. I
don't think there's anything wrong with that; it happens all the time.
> The cheaply cliche events are difficult to stomach: a
> beautiful woman goes after the richest guy in the office >- of course! -
> and then marries him so she can murder him for his money - of course!
Yeah, I only used that as a stepping stone for what I really wanted to
achieve in the story, namely that if he had pursued her, he could have been
the one dead. That's the story I really wanted to tell, basically how fate
saved him.
> And she doesn't get to utter a single word to explain >her motivations.
Why should I? It's clear. She emptied his bank account and split. Isn't
that clear enough?
> But John Norman's Gor books tell us that's the way >women are, so they
> must be; right? Sorry, but wrong. Your characters >need to realize
> their own age, get past the adolescent testosterone and >self-centred
> gimminess, and approach people of both sexes as >human beings.
Gulp! Usually, Svira, I do in my stories. I wanted, in this story, to
paint a couple of normal guys who dream of beautiful women, and know they
can't ever attain such status. They're a couple of computer geeks. I bet
you didn't like "Revenge of the Nerds", did you? :-)
>It's not
> hard. And they would find out just how fundamentally >human both sexes
are.
That wasn't the point of the story, but I can certainly see how it's valid.
>
> That's all I choose to say for now.
Gulp! Wow, next time I post a story, I better make sure it's top notch
quality. <G>
Kidding. Thanks very much for your honest thoughts, Svira, and I apologize
for this extremely late response. I'm not normally like that, you know.
Take care.
Patrick Null
LOL!!! Thanks, Fraser. This was funny the first time I read it and it's
still pretty darn funny.
Thanks again.
Patrick Null
"nativelaw" <nati...@hotmail.com> wrote in message
news:bikrfu$a80dq$1...@ID-198738.news.uni-berlin.de...
Patrick Null
Apologies accepted gladly, Svira. I would hate there to be any bad blood
between us. Besides, after being ripped to shreds by Brian and Dan and
everybody, there is hardly anything you can do to upset me.
<G>
Take care.
Patrick Null
"DJVB" <Use...@bottom.ofpost> wrote in message
news:3F4D2651...@bottom.ofpost...
> Hey Patrick,
Hey, DJVB. Should I just call you DJ? Or do you have a name?
>
> Read them both, dropped out of Andrea's about >halfway through and yours
> just after the pig-latin began. Theme and form were a >problem for me in
> both stories, but I am probably not well suited to judge >dialogue pieces
> -- it's a personality thing <g>.
:-) Not a problem, DJ.
>
> Would I sit down in the cubicle next to these guys and >eavesdrop? Not
> on a bet! Other than the pig-latin, that is the biggest >problem with
> the piece. Without the other story elements, you need >characters that I
> _want_ to eavesdrop on, or a conversation that I just >have to hear.
Gulp! You're the second person to mention that. Hmmmm......I guess I was
just trying to paint a couple of geeks who look at beautiful women and know
they will never get a chance with them. Do you have any suggestions on how
to make them more likeable? Cut down on the swearing? Cut down on the
complaining? Make their conversation have more meat to its bones other than
Melanie? Curious as to your thoughts on this.
>
> Glad ya posted it <g>, my foray into the form (which >certainly qualifies
> for the current festival) might get a revisit.
I would love to see a story from you.
Take care and thanks for reading.
Patrick Null
"Michael" <michae...@ntlworld.com> wrote in message
news:65db83ab.03082...@posting.google.com...
> "Patrick Null" <pat...@earthlink.net> wrote in message
news:<bienhp$8gmdb$1...@ID-173005.news.uni-berlin.de>...
> > ----------------------------------------------------
>
> Hi, Pat!
Hi, Michael! Sorry for the late response, my friend. I promise it'll never
happen again.
>
> >
> > Eamdray Irlgay
> >
> > by Patrick Null
> >
> > Copyright August 2003
> >
> >
> >
> > Wow, would you take a look at her?
> >
> > --Who?
> >
> > Her. The new secretary they hired. Pretty eyes, sexy >>smile, and one
hell of
> > a body.
> >
>
> If this is dialogue, wouldn't he say something like >"check her out,"
> instead of just describing what they can both see?
Yeah, I definitely see your point. I think I was going for something along
the lines of him describing what she looks like to reaffirm in his mind just
how beautiful she is. Was I wrong? Do you still think I need to change it?
>
> > --Oh. Her. Yeah, I've seen her around.
> >
> > Oh, My God, look. She's bending over. I swear I >>can see her nipples
from
> > here.
> >
> > --Is that a pencil in your pocket or are you just >>happy to see me?
> >
> > No, I'm happy to see HER.
> >
> > --Well, keep it in your pants, dude.
> >
> > I think I'm in love.
> >
> > --Her? Shit, she's outta your league. Hell, she's outta >>both of our
leagues.
> >
> > What's her name?
> >
> > --Melanie, I think.
> >
> > Melanie. Such a pretty name.
> >
> > --Now, don't go getting any ideas, Michael. A girl >>like that-she'll
squeeze
> > your nuts off and run away, your dick in one hand >>and your life
savings in
> > the other.
>
> I'm commencing legal proceedings ;o)
Gulp! Er.....was this a line you wrote or something similiar to it? If so,
my apologies, my friend. It must have stuck in my subconscious and came out
in my writing.
>
> >
> > Since when have you become such a cynic? Is it >>because your girlfriend
> > dumped you last week?
> >
> > --No, dude. I've been around the block a few times. >>I know how women
like
> > that operate.
> >
> > Uh-huh. Hey, look, she's smiling at me.
> >
> > --Yup, she sure is. You never miss a trick, do you?
> >
> > She wants me.
> >
> > --Dude. That's a "I'm new here, how are you >>doing?" smile, not a "give
me
> > your number and I'll rock your world" smile.
> >
> > Whatever. You're just jealous.
> >
> > --Yeah. That's it. I gotta get back to work. Later, >>dude.
> >
> > Later.
> >
>
> Pretty funny start, Pat. Good pace. Enjoyed it.
Thank you!
You're right. Thanks!
I don't get this, Michael. Sorry, I'm dense. Even when people remember a
certain story, almost someone inevitably rehashes the same story for just
the general purposes of story telling. Nothing like reliving old times
through a good story.
Thanks!
>
> > .......................................
> >
> > --Itshay, dude, I thought you were over her.
> >
> > I thought I was, too.
> >
> > --Well, hell, if she can't see the wonderful person >>that you are, then
she
> > doesn't deserve you, right?
> >
> > Suppose.
> >
> > --I mean, you're not the only fish in the sea.
>
> Huh? She's not the only...?
You're right. Oops. That's all I can say. Thanks. Don't know how I
overlooked that.
Thank you.
> The message isn't offensive to me, as it's
> the characters who are doing the telling so a pinch of >salt is always
> a good idea. I thought you carried this well, but I have >to say that a
> good edit wouldn't hurt, just to get some of the >superfluous dialogue
> out. It's vaguely reminiscent of Kevin SMith's earlier >scripts, but
> they're a believable pair of friends and the story's a >good one.
Yup, still working on my editing skills. Thanks for the reminder.
>Good
> work, amigo.
>
> Michael
And thank you for the read, Michael. It means a lot.
Take care.
Patrick Null
"Quadpus" <qua...@yahoo.com> wrote in message
news:cdoskvcpkf9lrorlo...@4ax.com...
> "Patrick Null" <pat...@earthlink.net> wrote:
> >
> > --Where the fuck have you been living? Under a >>God damn rock?
>
> goddamn
Thanks for the catch, my friend.
>
> > --Last week. It's my new hobby. I figure that if I >>practice it enough,
I can
> > speak it fluently and then I can really fuck with >>people's minds.
Someone
> > will ask me where the bathroom is and I'll say >>"atthay ayway, ownday
theay
> > allhay, uckfay acefay."
>
> Shouldn't that be "ethay?"
I don't know how to explain it, but I'm pretty sure the is always theay. I
probably should have looked at some pig latin sites out there to make sure.
Oh, well.
>
> > And what has he got that I don't have besides a 750, >000 dollar house
> > and a couple of Camaros?
>
> Heh. Camaros?
Cars?
>
> > --Who knows? I might even let you beat me.
> >
> > Uckfay ouyay, Robert, uckfay ouyay.
>
> Funny. Good characterization.
Thanks! It means a lot, coming from a hard critter like yourself.
>Slightly gynophobic. Nice, authentic
> dialogue -- it carries the story well enough on its own.
Thanks again.
>A more
> elaborate murder mystery, told and solved entirely >through dialogue,
> might be an interesting and rewarding experiment to >try.
Wow, what an inspiration. That WOULD be interesting.
Thanks, Brian, both for the read and the comments. Sorry for the late
response.
Take care.
Patrick Null
"Carter8882" <carte...@aol.com> wrote in message
news:20030828171213...@mb-m16.aol.com...
> Eamdray Irlgay
>
> by Patrick Null
>
> Copyright August 2003
>
> >>>>Since when have you become such a cynic? Is it >>because your
girlfriend
> dumped you last week?
>
> Clunk. I think you could finesse that a little better. It >sounds like a
line
> of dialogue from a sitcom pilot.
Wow! Very good catch, Scott. It was a line I struggled with, but couldn't
figure out how to say it, and quite frankly, the only line that bugged me
every time I read it. Good eye.
>
> That's really the only nit as far as dialogue goes.
Cool.
>
> It's a cute story. If I had anything to suggest, I might >say the
dialogue is
> really between the wrong characters. I think if it was >between Melanie
and the
> guy you'd have more opportunity to show rather than >tell. You'd also
have a
> more dynamic relationship. The relationship between >the two speakers
lacks any
> real definition.
Great insights. I wanted to tell a story about a guy who is fascinated with
a woman, and, as it turns out, he was lucky things didn't progress further.
>
> If you decide not to revamp with Melanie as a >speaker, you might
introduce a
> little more dramatic tension between these two men. >Are they competing
on some
> level? There seem to be hints of jealousy between the >two. I think you
could
> explore that a little more.
Now, those ARE great thoughts and you're right on every level here. Thanks,
pal, both for reading and the comments. It means a lot. And sorry for the
late response.
Take care.
michael
>
> "Michael" <michae...@ntlworld.com> wrote in message
> news:65db83ab.03082...@posting.google.com...
> > "Patrick Null" <pat...@earthlink.net> wrote in message
> news:<bienhp$8gmdb$1...@ID-173005.news.uni-berlin.de>...
> > > ----------------------------------------------------
> >
> > Hi, Pat!
>
> Hi, Michael! Sorry for the late response, my friend. I promise it'll
never
> happen again.
> >
Hey, no problem.. Life takes over from time to time! It's cool.
> > I'm commencing legal proceedings ;o)
>
> Gulp! Er.....was this a line you wrote or something similiar to it? If
so,
> my apologies, my friend. It must have stuck in my subconscious and came
out
> in my writing.
No, it was the fact that 'Michael''s love life sounds very familiar ;o)
> > > --Yeah, boy, do I remember. One day, an intern >>crossed his path and
he
> was
> > > sent to get coffee. When he came back and it was >>regular instead of
> decaf,
> > > Bill took him into his office and reamed his ass for a >>good half
hour.
> That
> > > poor kid never came back.
> > >
> > > I remember that day.
> >
> > If they both remember it, they wouldn't stretch it out >like that, or
> > at least the narrator would be "you remember the time >when...", not
> > "one day," - make sense?
>
> I don't get this, Michael. Sorry, I'm dense. Even when people remember a
> certain story, almost someone inevitably rehashes the same story for just
> the general purposes of story telling. Nothing like reliving old times
> through a good story.
No, that's cool. All I meant was I thought the line would have sounded more
realistic if started with:
"Remember that time he sent that intern to get coffee?"
instead of:
"Yeah, boy, do I remember. One day, an intern >>crossed his path and he was
sent to get coffee. "
The rest of it's fine. Sorry if that wasn't clear.
Svira Kurcu
Andrea gave me what-for after I posted this, and I reconsidered and
apologized. I really should have kept my typing fingers in my pockets.
Thanks for your polite response.
the Whistler
Patrick Null
>
> Hi, Pat!
Hi, Andrea! Sorry for the late respone.
>
> "Patrick Null" <pat...@earthlink.net> wrote in >message
> news:bienhp$8gmdb$1...@ID-173005.news.uni-berlin.de...
> > Ever since Andrea posted that all dialogue piece, >>I've been working on
> this
> > one. Her story inspired me because I just love to >>work in different
story
> > forms.
>
> It's so cool to work in a new form, isn't it? And a >challenge!
Oh, yeah, I can attest to that one. Certainly a challenge. And here I
thought it was going to be easy. Silly me.
> Comments in the body:
>
> > Eamdray Irlgay
> >
> > by Patrick Null
> >
> > Copyright August 2003
> >
> >
> >
> > Wow, would you take a look at her?
> >
> > --Who?
> >
> > Her. The new secretary they hired. Pretty eyes, sexy >>smile, and one
hell
> of
> > a body.
> >
> > --Oh. Her. Yeah, I've seen her around.
> >
> > Oh, My God, look. She's bending over. I swear I >>can see her nipples
from
> > here.
> >
> > --Is that a pencil in your pocket or are you just >>happy to see me?
>
> That's variation on an old line... Mae West is it? Is he >trying to be
> insulting by pencil instead of rocket? <g>. Funny.
Thanks!
>
> >
> > No, I'm happy to see HER.
> >
> > --Well, keep it in your pants, dude.
> >
> > I think I'm in love.
> >
> > --Her? Shit, she's outta your league. Hell, she's outta >>both of our
> leagues.
>
> In conversation I can imagine this much cursing >>(prefacing both lines)
but I
> think it flows better in story form if you drop one of >them.
I guess it's a matter of perception. I don't consider hell a cuss word
really. <shrugs shoulders>
>
>
> hat's her name?
> >
> > --Melanie, I think.
> >
> > Melanie. Such a pretty name.
> >
> > --Now, don't go getting any ideas, Michael. A girl >>like that-she'll
> squeeze
> > your nuts off and run away, your dick in one hand >>and your life
savings in
> > the other.
> >
>
> Foreshadowing?
Actually, at the time I wrote it, no. It just ended up working out that
way.
>
> > Since when have you become such a cynic? Is it >>because your girlfriend
> > dumped you last week?
> >
> > --No, dude. I've been around the block a few times. >>I know how women
like
> > that operate.
> >
> > Uh-huh. Hey, look, she's smiling at me.
> >
> > --Yup, she sure is. You never miss a trick, do you?
> >
> > She wants me.
> >
> > --Dude. That's a "I'm new here, how are you >>doing?" smile, not a "give
me
> > your number and I'll rock your world" smile.
> >
> > Whatever. You're just jealous.
> >
> > --Yeah. That's it. I gotta get back to work. Later, >>dude.
> >
> > Later.
> >
> > -----------
> >
> > Work is boring, huh, Robert?
> >
> > --Who? You?
>
> Who, you didn't seem like it would be an answer to >"work" is boring...
seems
> like a yes or no kind of question. Or is it like "to who? >you?" If so I
> think for story purposes the "to" would help.
GREAT suggestion, Andrea. If I rewrite it, I'll use it. Thanks.
>
> >
> > No, you. It must be. You're constantly over here, >>bothering the shit
out
> of
> > me.
> >
> > --I just wanted to see if you asked her out yet.
> >
> > Who?
> >
> > --You know who.
> >
> > It's only been twenty minutes.
>
> That threw me. I was expecting a greater elapse of >time, FWIW ... not
sure
> it matters. I thinks it a reference to "constantly over >here" just
coming
> now in the second part, when there's been one visit we >know of.
Hmmm......never thought of it that way before. I was pictuiring him coming
over every five minutes or something, but I didn't think I would have to
write every scene that happened every five minutes. I thought mentioning
the fact that he was coming over a lot would be enough.
I see what you're saying. I learned pig latin when I was a kid, too. For
what it's worth, I'm picturing these guys as 21 years old, fresh out of
computer school. I think I was trying to provide a way to have the
explanation in there in case someone didn't know how to speak pig latin and
they could follow the story along. You make a good point, though. Any
suggestions? I'm afraid to leave it out for that reason alone.
LOL, yeah, you make a good point here. Actually, a very good point. If I
revisit this, I will make sure the readers know the infatuation has gone on
for a few weeks or something. Thanks!
>
> >
> > --C'mon, just one look. That won't hurt, will it?
> >
> > No, I can't.
> >
> > --C'mon, just one. You know you wanna.
> >
> > I can't I won't I...wow, that's a pretty blouse she's >wearing today.
She's
> > beautiful.
>
> Would he say, "she's wearing "today"'? or just "she's >wearing"? I think
> today screws me up by some implication they've been >discussing more than
one
> day and I'm reading this as all still the same day by >comments like
> "earlier" etc.
Again, spot on. Though, if I decide to make this voyeurism days or weeks
long, the "today" would fit.
>
> >
> > --Isn't she?
> >
> > Her perfect body, her tan legs, the way she crosses >>them, the way the
> light
> > shines off her red hair, the way she looks at you with >>those
incredible
> blue
> > eyes as if you're the most important person in her >>universe, the way
she
> > smiles...
>
> These are great details... I would love to see them >interspersed more and
> building to this
True, but I didn't want to make it too long. It had gone on already long
enough for my tastes.
> >
> > --Mikey? Dude? You ok?
> >
> > Fuck my low self esteem. I'm going to ask her out. >>I'll die if I
don't.
>
> Would he say this first line? I'd think just, "fuck it".
Again, great comment.
> >
> > --Um, usually, it's best if we just stare. Safer. That >>way, we can't
get
> > hurt.
>
> I like Robert's line here, but it almost sounds too >thoughtful for
Robert.
Sorry, I have to disagree here. What gives the impression that he's not
thoughtful? He has a certain slang, but, c'mon, don't dump on my Robert
here! <G>
> >
> > And fuck you. I don't need your sniveling voice in >>my right ear
bringing
> me
> > down.
> >
> > --Ok, whatever. It's your funeral dude.
>
> funeral, dude
Now, how did that missing comma slip by me? <grumble>
>
> Gnarly <g>
:-)
>
> >
> > ---------------
> >
> > --So, what happened?
> >
> > She turned me down.
> >
> > --I hate to say I told you so, but--
> >
> > Yeah, you told me so. She said she was already >>seeing someone.
> >
> > --Ummerbay. Say, can I have your chicken?
> >
> > Sure. I've suddenly lost my appetite.
>
> I take it they're eating in a large cafeteria of a large >corporation or
> something... I wouldn't mind knowing more about >where they are if you can
> introduce it in some way
Good thoughts. This story definitely needs fleshing out.
>
> >
> > -------------
> >
> > --You're never going to believe what I just found >>out.
>
> Wouldn't Robert say, "dude" or something <g> -- >some speaker attribution
> here w/b helpful up front
Yup, your critiquing skills never fail to impress me, Andrea. I'm in your
debt.
>
> >
> > Don't you ever do ANY work around here?
>
> To make it snappier dialogue, I'd go with, "Don't you >ever do any work?"
or
> "Don't you ever work?"
Hmmmm....I'll have to think on that one.
>
> Also, I'd like an indication as to how much time has >elapsed, whether
it's
> still the same day
Again, something that slipped my mind when I was writing. Awesome eye.
>
> >
> > --On occasion. Guess who our mystery woman's >>boyfriend is?
>
> Not sure he would call her "our mystery woman" here. >Doesn't sound like
> Robert. Sounds like he would say more like, some >crude reference to
Michael
> being infatuated with her or something
Yup. This story definitely needs more work.
> >
> > Who?
> >
> > --Bill Thompson.
> >
> > Her boss?!
> >
> > --Yup. Fucking slut.
> >
> > Hey, don't call her that!
> >
> > --C'mon, her plan is obvious. Put out a little bit, and >>then ride to
the
> top
> > on a cloud full of her boss's testosterone.
>
> You've planted seeds for Robert's overthetop reaction >of suspicion about
> women here, but I think when Michael responds, he >needs to be more agog
> tthan "you don't know that".
Really? Hmmmmm..............
> >
> > You don't know that.
> >
> > --Trust me on this one, huh?
> >
> > Great. I can't compete with him. His weekly salary is >>more than I make
in
> a
> > year.
> >
> > --Chin up, buckaroo. There's more fish in the sea.
> >
> > Yeah, but none like her. None like her.
>
> Not sure of the repetition, I think saying it once is >enough.
Nope, I like it. Sorry, you're outnumbered, 3 to 1. I'll leave it up to
you to figure out where the other two votes are coming from. <G>
>
> >
> > ------------------
> >
> > --So, how long has it been now?
> >
> > Eight months.
> >
> > --Eight months? Wow.
> >
> > Yeah, a long time. Still think she was after him for >>that promotion?
> >
> > --Ok, I might have been wrong about that.
>
> What? Robert, dude, admitting he's wrong? <g>
LOL.
> >
> > That's an understatement.
> >
> > --C'est la vie.
> >
> > What did you just say?
> >
> > --C'est la vie.
> >
> > Do you even know what that means?
> >
> > --No, I just like saying it.
> >
> > You're weird.
>
> "C'est la vie" is such a common statement, would he >really not know what
it
> means? I think people that don't know foreign >language would still know
> that one (could be wrong)
I don't think I know what it means, something like "so be it" or something,
right? I guess it's coming from my own personal knowledge. :-)
>
> >
> > --You know, I'm going to start getting a complex >>around you, dude.
> >
> > And you want to know something else? You're >>entirely too old to be
using
> the
> > word "dude."
> >
> > --Blame it on my friends and a kid who was too >>impressionable for his
own
> > good. So...it's over between you and Melanie?
>
> That line about "blame it on friends" once again sounds >to thoughtful and
> even more mature than we're used to from Robert. I >think he needs
evening
> for the sake of the story... it's hard to know if you're >intending his
> character development as being intentional unless you >have Michael
remark,
> for ex, that he's changed
I'll definitely have to think on that one. I never intended Robert to be a
one dimensional thoughtless pig. Hmmmm......
>
> >
> > It was over before it began. I can't match the guy's >>money, good
looks, or
> > charisma. Can you pass me another beer?
> >
> > --Sure. Here you go.
> >
> > Thanks.
> >
> > Ah. Nothing like a good brewskie. Anyway, remember how our boss used to
> come
> > in every day, mean as spit and hard as nails, and pity the poor person
who
> > got in his way first thing in the morning?
>
> I think that these details about the boss should come earlier... when they
> first mention the relationship, maybe one could, instead of just remarking
> on his money, also get in that he's a bastard, "I don't know what she sees
> in him" kind of thing, rather than presenting his change all at once here
Maybe. Don't know about that one.
No, I was going for a stream of consciousness rambling tirade-a guy who is
so caught up in his emotions that he blurts the words out all at once
without taking a breath. See?
>
>
> the confusion on why she didn't pick me? And what has he got that I
> > don't have besides a 750, 000 dollar house and a couple of Camaros? And
> why
> > don't she look at me? Just one look, one ounce of god damn respect,
that's
> > all I ask I'm still human I have feelings and so please look at me?
> Please?
> > Please? Please?
>
> This dialogue seems too much to be spoken, I think. And no three pleases
at
> the end. It's emotional stuff, I think, though it's partly tongue in
cheek.
Same comment as above. He's emotional right now.
> >
> > .......................................
> >
> > --Itshay, dude, I thought you were over her.
> >
> > I thought I was, too.
> >
> > --Well, hell, if she can't see the wonderful person that you are, then
she
> > doesn't deserve you, right?
>
> There could be some more in here, showing interaction between them, that
> would make this more plausible. We have no indication other than that
they
> work together, that there's ever been any contact.
Good idea.
> >
> > Suppose.
>
> Would he say this? or just "yeah" or "I guess".
Yeah, he would say "suppose". You're like me now, you're overanalyzing.
<G>
>
> >
> > --I mean, you're not the only fish in the sea.
>
> Is this a joke here? Or is it supposed to be "she's not..."
Wrong word. Thanks for the catch.
>
> >
> > Know what? Damn straight. Damn_fucking_straight!
> >
> > --That's the spirit! Wanna go shoot some hoops now?
> >
> > No, I'd rather wallow in my misery for a few more minutes.
> >
> > --And you call ME weird?
>
> It's hard to follow his rollercoaster of emotion here for a little while
> without more cues. This is tough to do with all dialogue, isn't it?
It sure is!
>
> >
> > ---------------------
> >
> > --Well, they've set the date.
> >
> > When?
> >
> > --The end of this year. Everyone from the office is invited.
> >
> > Well, count me out.
> >
> > --Even for free booze? I hear it's an open bar.
> >
> > How do you know that?
>
> How do you know that? feels misplaced. he'd question the information
source
> earlier, I think, if he isn't attributing the whole thing to just water
> cooler gossip
He was questioning the open bar bit, not the marriage bit.
Maybe he doesn't have the details.
>
> >
> > ..................................
> >
> > --Melanie is nowhere to be found. Where do you >>think the bitch went?
> >
> > ........................................
> >
> > --Michael? Dude? Are you smiling?
> >
> > Yeah. Just thinking of a funny joke, that's all.
> >
> > ----------------------
> >
> > The meatloaf is dry, the bread is hard, and the pop is flat.
> >
> > --Still complaining about the food, Mikey?
> >
> > Yes. I mean, look at this crap. All the cooks should be locked up and
the
> > key thrown away for cruel and unusual punishment toward their fellow
man.
> I
> > wouldn't feed this shit to my dog.
> >
> > --Yeah, well, guess what? They found your eamdray irlgay.
> >
> > Really.
> >
> > --Yup, in Michigan.
>
> We don't know what state they're in through all this >(other than sounded
> like surfer boys from California, or the stereotype >thereof) so
introducing
> Michigan doesn't help here
Another great thought. If I revisit, I will make sure I put in where they
are from.
>
> Can you believe it? She got pulled over for speeding,
> > they ran her license, and now she is being brought in for questioning
> > concerning Bill's death. Turns out she has a pretty hefty motive. His
> > savings account was drained.
>
> Pretty hefty motive? Till now I have no reason to think Bill's death is a
> homicide. Just because he dies in his livingroom... it could easily be a
> heart attack. And there doesn't seem to be enough logical to this... if
she
> killed him and drained his savings and then disappeared, why wouldn't she
> think she'd be caught?
Well, who knows, Andrea? This type of thing happens all the time, and I
know you know that. I bet ya those people didn't think they'd be caught,
either.
>
> It would also help to build the change in their relationship a little
bit...
> he goes from being a bastard to smiling all the time now that he's (in
love,
> getting laid, fill in the blanks <g>) and then he'd dead... I get the
sense
> you're rushing this and it needs more time
>
>
> >
> > How do you know all this?
> >
> > --I have a friend on the force. Do you get what I'm telling you? That
> could
> > have been your guts spilled all over the living room floor.
> >
> > Wow. You're right.
> >
> > --Now, how fortunate do you feel that her eyes didn't fasten onto you?
> >
> > Pretty damn fortunate.
> >
> > --How happy are you that you haven't moved up the corporate ladder?
> >
> > Pretty happy. And I have no desire to move up now.
> >
> > --Smart man. After all, just look at Bill.
>
> The dialogue doesn't seem real because he can't "look at Bill" right then
Figure of speech.
Thanks for your time, Andrea. I know this took a while, and I owe ya. Why
don't you put up a story, so I can repay the favor?
Thanks again.
Take care.
DJVB
More than one Dan here already, so let's leave it at DJ.
> Hey, DJVB. Should I just call you DJ? Or do you have a name?
>>Would I sit down in the cubicle next to these guys and >eavesdrop? Not
>>on a bet! Other than the pig-latin, that is the biggest >problem with
>>the piece. Without the other story elements, you need >characters that I
>>_want_ to eavesdrop on, or a conversation that I just >have to hear.
>
>
> Gulp! You're the second person to mention that. Hmmmm......I guess I was
> just trying to paint a couple of geeks who look at beautiful women and know
> they will never get a chance with them. Do you have any suggestions on how
> to make them more likeable? Cut down on the swearing? Cut down on the
> complaining? Make their conversation have more meat to its bones other than
> Melanie? Curious as to your thoughts on this.
Without revisiting the thread ... Perjoratives in dialogue are okay if
they aren't used specifically for shock value or overdone. I wouldn't
expect to see a priest using much, etc. Likeable characters? Heck,
most good stories have at least one unlikeable character. From memory,
there is not much tension or conflict in the story. Have one geek
verbally torture the other or blackmail him into propositioning the
woman. Better still, have the woman _use_ the geek as an unwitting
accomplice in her dirty deeds. I think you can weave either in without
much difficulty.
The story needs something other than what I can find in any office in
any town on any day <g>.
If you want to keep the story simple and themed the same, you will need
to introduce another woman as a foil. That would play well in making
your protag more likeable as he realizes the good things in life can be
found in places besides Barbie dolls and trophy wives. Hmmm, story
fodder...maybe a trophy husband? <g>
--
reply to: DJ_Von_Braun at gbronline dot (com)ments
Patrick Null
"Alaric McDermott" <alar...@btinternet.com> wrote in message
news:bfd4819a.0309...@posting.google.com...
> I'm pathetic enough that I have a friend with whom I >still do this
> stuff.
I don't have any friends, so I can't. Sigh.
>Bit different, though. It's an "ayg" after every consonant >or
> consonant combination except an end one. So you'd >be "Paygatraygick
> Naygull." We can confuse people (including ourselves) >for ours.
Weird how even Pig Latin translates differently over there.
>
> This was excellent, Paygatraygick.
Heh. Thanks. I'm blushing now. There is a few people here that I strive
to get good feedback from cause I know you guys don't pull any punches.
You're one of them.
> Involved straight away and all the
> way through.
Thanks! Getting a really big head now.
>Great plot, tight dialogue, even a red herring - I
> thought our guy might be the murderer.
I did that on purpose, but I think you're the only guy that mentioned it.
>Waygell daygone.
Thanks, Alaric! And sorry it took me so long to respond. Better late than
never?
Again, thanks.
Patrick Null
excellent suggestion to introduce another woman. Thanks again.
"DJVB" <Use...@bottom.ofpost> wrote in message
news:3F6CEE2D...@bottom.ofpost...
Svira Kurcu
Patrick Null wrote:
> Weird how even Pig Latin translates differently over there.
Pat:
For hours of fun, try Ab. Ab involves inserting the letters "ab" in
front of every vowel, according to pronunciation rather than spelling.
So "Okay" becomes "Abo Kabay." I heard about it at age 17 from my
buddy's lesbian girlfriend (which helps explain why I repressed the
memory until now). Anyway, it's a good subtitute for Pig Latin.
the Whistler
Patrick Null
of langiage fluently without even thinking about it? Just think of the
confusion you could cause. Imagine the possibilities, man!
"Svira Kurcu" <viathna...@sympatico.ca> wrote in message
news:ql8bb.3998$Ie5.8...@news20.bellglobal.com...