How To Write A Short Story -- For Males (1048)
Anopheles
(A Self-Help Book for Males)
So, you're a male and want to write short stories? Well, go ahead
by all means, but it's not as easy as you might think. I ought to know,
I've spent years trying to get published.
Few novice writers appreciate the craft has evolved. Short stories
are no longer stories. In fact, if you can detect the least thread of
any coherence, you've probably lost the plot altogether. One wouldn't
call a modern short story a story, just as one would never call modern
classical music, "music". Like music, modern writing is more a rambling,
an unconscious out-pouring of fortuitous thought. It's far beyond
modernism, it's even beyond post modernism, in fact it's post, post,
post, post modernism, which I like to call "fence modernism".
Of course, if you're male, you will need a female nom-de-plume. In
case you haven't twigged yet, and you must really be a new chum, the
whole bloody industry is female: the editors, judges, publishers,
writer's
groups, and most writers, they're all women. Even the few men in it!
Take a story that won a prize in my local newspaper recently.
Written by a woman, she's writing as a man. Now, any man can see right
through that subterfuge, it's so obvious the writer's not male, she
hasn't
the foggiest about being a bloke- but you have to pretend not to notice.
You should say, "Oh, that's nice," when the piece goes on and on,
discussing things about men only women could possibly find interesting.
Another thing, never let anything actually happen in your story,
certainly no violence, nothing resembling action, and positively nothing
too funny- ha-ha or peculiar. It has to flood rather than flow, as if
emanating from a semi-conscious state, as in coming out of an
anesthetic.
It's difficult for men to achieve this and they mostly make a meal
of it. I find the best way is to stop thinking and just write. A few
brandies help. So does staying awake over thirty six hours. Men have to
learn to do what women have been doing to them all these years. Faking
it!
Another thing, don't try to analyse modern short stories, you'll go
nuts. It's like looking for the proverbial in a haystack when none
exists. Instead, try divining what medication the writer was on at the
time, how many Nembutal, for example, how many Valium. If you can
actually force yourself to read the piece right through, try to detect
where the end point was and, if it was detectable, was it
interchangeable with the beginning. I know it's hell, but you need to
get on the right track.
Now, begin writing. You'll need a Key Character (KC) who is either
female or a Sensitive New Age Guy (SNAG). If you write the SNAG around
one of your old loser girl friends, then change the name from Libby to
Frank at the last minute, you'll come close to market expectations. This
KC must have absolutely no idea what's going on in their life. Surround
the KC with weirdos struggling to make sense of it all without a
snowflake's chance of doing so. Waffling a lot is good. Write things
down that pop randomly into your mind.
Do you remember the guys that pulled the Ern O'Malley prank? They
invented a poet and drew phrases from a hat to write his poems and some
of Australia's finest critics were fooled. Are we on the same
wavelength?
It's no use decrying the erosion of good storytelling for we are
all responsible. These days, men don't read, they watch. That's a little
like everyone becoming voyeurs; everyone watching and not a lot
happening.
Still, there are things one can do, if you're male and desperate to
see your work in print. Of course, the first method is very expensive
and will absolutely horrify your friends and rellies. Finding a
compliant doctor is a bit difficult too.
Self-publishing is another option. These days, even a man can make
a go of desktop publishing, almost without any female help at all.
(Providing your masterpiece doesn't need artwork). If you can borrow a
few thousand from someone that actually has a job, you can run up a
first printing of, say, one thousand copies. (TIP - Label the first lot
"Third Printing.")
Of course, if you can't persuade a friend to lend you the cash, or,
if they have, but insist on getting it back, you'll have to sell some of
these books. This can be a rather depressing prospect at first. Don't
worry, here are some tacks you can take.
· Hang around trash and treasure markets for the next ten years,
your books displayed on a rickety card table. Eventually the promoters
will get tired of you and buy all your stock.
· Walk into every bookshop you can find, your book prominently in
hand. Hold the book lovingly while asking after some esoteric romance by
a woman dead for at least a century. When they ask you about the book
you're carrying, say you know the author, a frail but loving woman dying
of consumption.
· Hire an Edwardian suit from an outfitter and hawk your books
around the traps. Only approach women and never tell them what the book
is actually about. (Remember, if it's about anything at all they'll drop
you like a sporting shooter.)
· Get on one of the afternoon TV shows and talk about writing.
Describe how much you love exploring diametrically opposed characters
and the many shades of love and pain. Rave on about darker
personalities. Run your fingers through your hair a lot and stare
passionately at the ceiling.
Success is hard to come by, but some guys do make it. How they do
eludes me, but I'm still trying. The frightening part is it's beginning
to fascinate me. I read a whole anthology of short stories last night
and suddenly suspected I might have enjoyed them.
Why, I have no idea. It's like sinking deeper and deeper into a
swamp. You know you're completely out of your depth and you are about to
drown, but you're trapped. Then, just as your nose is about to submerge,
and you've quietly accepted death, your left foot feels a rock.
Suddenly, you're overcome with joy!
Anopheles
Pensandpad
that you write about your process in writing. Jeff Jewett On
Writing, Sue on Writing , Alaric On Writing...
Anopheles
I just close my eyes and think of Ganesha.
Pensandpad
yep, ganja
Wind River
>
> Take a story that won a prize in my local newspaper recently.
> Written by a woman, she's writing as a man. Now, any man can see right
> through that subterfuge, it's so obvious the writer's not male, she hasn't
> the foggiest about being a bloke- but you have to pretend not to notice.
> You should say, "Oh, that's nice," when the piece goes on and on,
> discussing things about men only women could possibly find interesting.
I swear it wasn't me!
Mr. Sue
Wind River
> On Mar 18, 2:23 am, "Anopheles" <h...@coolcats.net.au> wrote:
>
>>"Pensandpad" wrote:
>>
>>>Nice. If I were to hold a chall ( I never will, though) I would ask
>>>that you write about your process in writing. Jeff Jewett On
>>>Writing, Sue on Writing , Alaric On Writing...
Sue on Writing...
She knows nothing about it, but if she were to give advice, this is what
she'd say. Be creative, not imitative. Read for inspiration or to study
a certain author's techniques, but don't try to copy them. Let your own
voice speak. Let your own experiences and dreams color your pages. Let
your writing be unique. You're an individual; there's no one else
exactly like you.
When you're able to take the best of your favorite authors and filter
them through yourself, that's when your work will sing.
I've read all the Harry Potter books. I don't think the author is a
great writer, but she is a great storyteller. She is excellent at
plotting and leaving hints in earlier books that become important in
later books. The reader is left thinking, "How in the world did I miss
something so obvious?" She involves the reader; that's her talent. So as
a writer, I treasure that in my mind.
D.H. Lawarence is an excellent writer. When I read his novels, I bask in
the rich, beautiful language. That's why I enjoy reading his books. The
storylines aren't very interesting, but the journey is breathtaking. So
as a writer, I treasure that.
I move on to one of my favorite authors: Orson Scott Card. What do I
treasure about his writing? It's clear and concise, and with only a few
words, he can bring a scene to my mind's eye that would take other
writers a full page. Characterization is his talent. As a reader, I
really care what happens to characters.
Atmosphere? Neil Gaiman is an expert in that area. Run Jeff, don't walk,
to your nearest library and check out a copy of "Smoke and Mirrors" by
Neil Gaiman. If they don't have it, ask if they can get it through
inter-library loan. I think you'd like him; your stories have that kind
of flavor. Also check out the short story collection, "Maps in a
Mirror", by Orson Scott Card.
I hope this helps some, but I don't know anymore about writing than you do.
Sue
Patrick
"Anopheles" <hi...@coolcats.net.au> wrote in message
news:564474F...@mid.individual.net...
> How to Write a Modern Short Story
> (A Self-Help Book for Males)
Cool! I'm going to follow every of these suggestions and see how far they
get me. This is exactly what I needed, a self help guide! You're the
awesomest, Barry.
Anopheles
I wish you luck, Patricia. :-)