[Story] The Inspired Garden (2,117 wds)
Sir Moonshadow
Beuatifully written, as always. Whenever I finish reading one of your
stories, my first and overwhelming impression is one of satisfaction, of a
smoothly-written, well-told tale. This one is no exception. I think I
counted but a single place where I had to re-read; this is expounded upon at
length below ;) No punc. nits that I could find, but I expect that!
I love the story, cleverly set during the season of re-birth. Marie has come
through the winter of her mourning, during which she only painted landscapes
because that's what her late husband liked, and is now beginning to blossom
at the start of her new season, both artistically and personally. At least,
that's what the story says to me!!! :) In some ways it reminds me of my own,
much inferior, story, "The Year of the Swan."
Thank you for posting and giving me a smile on a cold, damp April morning
:):)
These are the two slight stumbling blocks I came upon;
"The advertisement in the Globe was tasteful, she thought, rather better
than the exposition it announced was likely to be."
This just seems to have an awkard rhythm about it, something that so rarely
happens in your writing that it stood out. I'm not quite sure how to change
it, though. Possibly something like, "The advertisement in the Globe was
tasteful; rather more so, she thought likely, than the exposition it
announced." Hmm, I'm not sure that's any better! Anyway, just something to
think about :)
I have a question; clearly, Marie has lost her husband. But also, she seems
to have lost three children, too. Now, if she is the "best looking woman in
figure drawing," -- and not wanting to me ageist here -- then presumably she
isn't really old enough for them to have left home? Or is she? I must admit
I was a little confused on this point. I couldn't decide whether they had
simply grown up and left, or died at the same time as their father. But
maybe that's just me being dense :) Didn't spoil the story, though, which
was, as always, wonderful to read. Thanks, Jane :)
Sime
"Jane MacDonald" <jane...@excite.com> wrote in message
news:3acfc636...@news.mindspring.com...
> X-no-archive: yes
>
> Copyright 2001 Jane MacDonald
>
> The Inspired Garden
>
> by Jane MacDonald
>
<-----Story, soon to be published IMHO, snipped-------------->
lucid78
>X-no-archive: yes
>
> Copyright 2001 Jane MacDonald
>
>The Inspired Garden
>
>by Jane MacDonald
>
I'm sorry, Jane. I don't have time to read this right now, but I did copy
it
(yes, even the copyright) to read it later today and then comment on it.
Bob
RRRunyan
>
>by Jane MacDonald
I looked long and hard to nit on something. Anything to feel worthwhile, but
nothing popped out. And then I read the story without trying to find a JaneMac
mistake and liked the story. It may not be my cup of tea but I liked the humor
displayed in areas. >"Coffee, Phil? Or lunch?" Not that my wife would arrange
things in that order.
It was a pleasant read, one that just carries the reader along while kicking
the feet on the desk as one reads. Hell, I think I actually got up and made a
ham sandwich. But I looked, and I thought I saw a problem or two, but I could
never place a finger, or a thought on what should've been a nit. I did try and
then I realized my mistake was wandering through the garden without taking my
allergy sprays. Afterwards, I sketched the kids playing in the backyard. It was
that kind of a story...and day. Ryan
Michael Breslau
>
> by Jane MacDonald
An interesting read, in tone and content much like the
stories I aspire to write someday. Naturally, I enjoyed it.
Who says a story isn't a story unless it has conflict?
I don't agree--and I think you've proved my point.
Thanks, Jane
Mike
Monkey Doctor
MacDonald) wrote:
>The Inspired Garden
Writing a crit on your work kind of feels like Moses saying to God -
"Hmm - not sure I like these commandments - can we change them a bit?"
Anyway, I was expecting perferction, and got it. The literary
equivalent of a nice cup of tea; warm, soothing and enjoyable. The age
of the protagonist was a bit questionable, but I got the impression
she was probably late 40's/early 50-ish, living in a community of
folk about the same age. Hope that was your intent.
As expected, very nice.
MD
--
Rocko: "Hef. What's funnier, Bananas or cheese?"
Heifer: "Cheese, definitely cheese."
--
Monkey Doctor: www.beresfordj.freeserve.co.uk
-> Follow the "Stories" link for the short stories
docfarquar
> X-no-archive: yes
Very nice, Jane; you have the workings of a good story here. I like the
fact that this story isn't as "clipped" as your normal work; it has a more
leisurely pace and your protagonist isn't "edgy," as some of your other
ones have been.
The ending is weak, though. I don't mean that it can't end with her
painting Phil's portrait; that's okay. I mean that her final statements
aren't a good way to end the story. I would change the ending to this:
"I like your face. I watched you working out there in the
garden, and decided to paint your portrait. So just shut up and
sit there for a while, will you?""
"So I guess you're inspired."
"Inspired?" She thought about it for a moment. "Maybe I am."
Charcoal in hand, she began to lay an outline on the blank canvas.
You may scorn me at your leisure, but--hey!--there's no charge.
Some nits below. I'll have to do some snipping; my newsreader has an
aversion to "too much quoted text vs. new text."
doc
>
> Copyright 2001 Jane MacDonald
>
> The Inspired Garden
>
> by Jane MacDonald
>
> She wouldn't go, of course, but the ad for the annual flower
> show made Marie think of spring. Then she immediately
> thought of death. Not hers, but her husband's.
>
> They always started advertising in February, when
> nobody really believed spring would ever come. The year
> before, she'd gone into Boston to see the show with Lawrence.
<SNIP>
> Phil Daigle showed up around noon in his little red
> pickup to plow her out. A foot of snow in one night was nothing
> to joke about; without Phil, she was stuck. Handyman par
> excellence, he'd spent several weeks helping her get the cottage
> into shape for year-round use, and he didn't charge her
> summer rates. His wife, Louise, worked at the Home Depot
> down in Portsmouth, and never minded bringing home little
No comma after Portland.
> things they needed for repairs. Marie wiped her brush and put
> it down, then walked to the studio door to watch him work.
> Like her, he was an artist, pushing snow carefully, piling it up
> along the sides of the narrow drive, but she knew he made
> more money moving snow than she did selling pictures. When
> he finished plowing the drive, he got out of the truck and
> carefully shovelled a path to the door.
<SNIP>
> "I couldn't believe it. It took me ages to make that Web
> page, but it paid off. The guy is originally from Caribou, way
> up north, and I suppose he got homesick. I don't know yet how
> much I'll actually make, after I deduct the cost of the credit
> card software and shipping, but from now on everything I sell
> is gravy. If anybody else buys anything." She turned back to
> the counter and carefully began slicing ham.
>
> "Want to paint my truck? Lots of people like pictures of
> trucks."
>
> She pictured him sitting at the wheel of the little red
> truck, wearing his plaid jacket and feed cap, and smiled. His
> face, sculpted by the outdoors, and his thin gray hair wouldn't
> show much in a painting of his truck, but he'd make a
> wonderful portrait. If she could paint portraits.
This last is a sentence fragment and whether you leave it in or not is up
to you. However, you did the same thing two paragraphs before at the end of
her dialogue on selling the landscape. It makes this one grate.
>
> "Maybe. I have to be inspired."
>
> "Inspired hell! You think I'm inspired to get up at five in
> the morning and plow driveways? I just do it. Then I begin to
> enjoy it. Just me out there, shoving all that snow around. My
> wife thinks I'm crazy."
>
> "I don't know, it's not the same." She began spreading
> mustard while two more slices of bread browned in the toaster.
>
> "Sure it is. You decide what you're going to do and do it.
> Which reminds me--you going to plant any flowers this year?
> You want me to come and dig a bed, you better get on the list
> right now. You let it go last year, and this place could use a
> little decoration."
This is probably just a minor point. I was under the impression that she
was living in the big house in Newton at this time last year.
>
> Her hand rested on the edge of the counter, the knife
> aimed at the window over the sink, as she thought about what
> he'd said.
>
<SNIP>
>
> "He's OK." Marie zipped her jacket up to her neck. "It
> doesn't matter very much to me--I haven't been able to draw
> any of them very well. I get about a quarter of the way through
> and Ralph rings the bell for the next pose."
Here's a small thing. Normally, independent clauses are separated by a
comma when the second one starts with a conjunction. Some people say it's
okay to omit the comma if the second phrase is brief. So far, you've used
both conventions. I'm going to attribute that to your open mind on
punctuation and grammar.
>
> "Oh, for God's sake! You're a hell of a lot better than
> you were when you came up here last year. Just relax, it'll
> come. Anyhow, your landscapes are beautiful. Ralph may be
> young and little and nervous, but he's the smartest art teacher
> around, and he thinks you're OK."
<SNIP>
> "Pleased! For God's sake, you ought to be jumping with
> joy. There's people around here going to hate you--you sold
> that big white picture and they're still selling tourists little
Comma after picture.
> paintings of Nubble Light for forty dollars. I remember when I
> sold my first one about a hundred years ago--I was on cloud
> nine. You're in business, girl! Come over after class and have a
> drink to celebrate. I'll ask Marlene to come, too. Uh . . . . By the
> way. How much?"
>
<SNIP>
> One thing you could say about York--you could see the
> sky. She and Lawrence used to stand down by the river and see
> about a million stars. He knew all the constellations, and liked
> to pick them out. He'd tell her their stories, the Pleiades,
> Casseopia's Chair. But that night she stood alone outside her
That's Cassiopeia, the Lady in the Chair.
> garage, house keys in her hand, and smiled to herself. At least
> she remembered that the Big Dipper was really a bear. Van
> Gogh painted a starry night--maybe she would someday.
>
> * * *
>
> April already, and snowbanks alongside the huge
> parking lot stood twice as tall as she was, dirty, slowly melting
Okay, I'm going to open a can of worms. "Twice as tall as she was" what?
You can either say, "twice as tall as she did," or you can say, "twice as
tall as she." But I think your way is incorrect, especially since you're
making a comparison.
> in the unaccustomed sunshine. She decided to eat lunch first, at
> the Japanese place, and then maybe she wouldn't buy too much
> at the grocery store. If you once were used to cooking for five,
> it's pretty pathetic to shop for only one person.
<SNIP>
>
> "I was down at the square and thought of you," he said.
> "So I thought, what the hell, I'll go see her." He took a big
> drink from the Diet Coke he'd asked for.
That's confusing. Did he ask her for the Diet Coke? If so, when? Before he
told her why he stopped by?
>
> "I'm glad you did," Marie said. "I don't get many
> visitors."
>
> "You don't? Why not? I figured half the men in this
> town would be after you. You're the best looking woman in
> figure drawing, that's for sure."
>
> Startled, she produced a quick smile. "Since when did
> you start looking at women, Ralph? Better watch out--Jack'll
> be miffed."
Do I detect a stereotype there? If so, perhaps you should take a long look
in the mirror. The Jane I know wouldn't let that pass in someone else's
story.
>
> "Hey, I'm an artist, I look at everybody and everything.
> Beauty is where you find it! Anyway, I want to see your
> studio--Donna told me you're working on another landscape."
>
<SNIP>
> She watched Phil push his Rototiller back and forth
> across the spot she'd chosen for the garden. May--time to plant.
> In Newton she'd always grown flowers. Lawrence liked to sit
> on the porch in the summer and look at big blossoms; peonies
> and fancy daylilies and zinnias were his favorites, then, in
> August, he admired the gladiolus. He didn't much care for the
Just the one gladiolus? If you're uncomfortable with gladioli, it's
acceptable to use gladioluses.
> little ones she liked best. Oxalis. Forget-me-nots. That kind of
> thing. Maybe she'd have a garden full of tiny flowers.
>
> Phil turned off the tiller and walked across the yard.
>
> "Got a drink of water? I think I'm actually working up a
> sweat."
>
> "Come on in, take it easy for a while. You're not getting
> any younger." She waved him to a chair in the studio. "Want
> water, or tonic?"
>
> "Just water, please." He stretched and made himself
> comfortable. When she returned, he drank the glass of water in
> one swig. "Thank you." He moved to get up.
>
> "No, sit there, I'm going to paint your picture." She
> walked over and stood before the easel.
>
> "My picture? I wanted you to do my truck! What in hell
> gave you the idea to do a picture of me?"
>
> "Just shut up and sit there. I'm working."
>
> "OK, but I still want to know why."
>
> "I like your face." Charcoal in hand, she began to lay an
> outline on the blank canvas.
>
> "So I guess you're inspired."
>
> "Maybe so. I watched you working out there in the
> garden, and decided to paint your portrait. So just shut up and
> sit there for a while, will you?"
>
> ---The End---
Jane MacDonald
<ld...@dial.pipex.com> wrote, among other things:
>These are the two slight stumbling blocks I came upon;
>
>"The advertisement in the Globe was tasteful, she thought, rather better
>than the exposition it announced was likely to be."
>
>This just seems to have an awkard rhythm about it,
><snip>
>
>I have a question; clearly, Marie has lost her husband. But also, she seems
>to have lost three children, too. Now, if she is the "best looking woman in
>figure drawing," -- and not wanting to me ageist here -- then presumably she
>isn't really old enough for them to have left home?
Hello, Sime, long time no see :-),
Did I ever tell you I like compliments? Thank you.
Both the points you raise I'll have to fix. That early sentence
you cite I rewrote about twelve times; at some point you just
have to say the hell with it and go, so I went. Back to the
drawing board.
The other matter, about her age, is more complex, but it has to
be fixed. I see her as about 43-45, married early for these times
(like me), so I could stash her kids in college. Don't you know
they raised hell when she sold the old homestead? I might have
to do a story on that. Anyhow, thank you. Making me work
some more is what you're good at; I think I'll start by giving
her only two.
And enough of this nonsense about 'inferior.' You're doing just fine.
Got it? When is your story coming out in "LoveWords"?
Jane
Jane MacDonald
jane...@excite.com
Sir Moonshadow
fix that shortly :) I just have a little story to finish off first ;)
Whilst I wouldn't want to blow my own trumpet, I wasn't so much saying that
*I* was inferior as that particular story, which was one of my early ones,
and *not* one of my best. But I still look to you as someone to whose talent
I aspire.
The Painter and the Horse will be in the May edition of LoveWords :)
Thanks again for the story, Jane. Pleasurable as always. No, you never told
me you liked compliments! How strange!!! :)
Sime.
"Jane MacDonald" <jane...@excite.com> wrote in message
news:3ad0ce74...@news.mindspring.com...
Jane MacDonald
<mbre...@speakeasy.org> wrote:
>An interesting read, in tone and content much like the
>stories I aspire to write someday.
I'm glad you enjoyed it. When I first started nearly everything
I wrote was "high impact," if you know what I mean. Lots of
derring-do. Subtlety I am working on. My advice to you is
trite--just do it.
>Who says a story isn't a story unless it has conflict?
>I don't agree--and I think you've proved my point.
That's an interesting point. I'd argue that conflict is necessary,
but it doesn't have to be armed combat. All that's required is that a
person's attitude changes a little bit--that's a conflict between
the old and the new. Marie had made concessions in her
marriage--big flowers, for example, and living in a big
suburban house. I'm sure Lawrence did, too--in a good
marriage, one has to. If she had simply kept on doing things the
way she did when she was married, as some widows seem to try
to do, there's no conflict, and no story. What interested me was
seeing her change her attitudes--not a great deal, but just
enough.
Jane
Jane MacDonald
jane...@excite.com
Jane MacDonald
(RRRunyan) wrote:
>>The Inspired Garden
>>
>>by Jane MacDonald
>
>I looked long and hard to nit on something. Anything to feel
>worthwhile, but
>nothing popped out. And then I read the story without trying
>to find a JaneMac
>mistake and liked the story. It may not be my cup of tea but I
>liked the humor
>displayed in areas. "Coffee, Phil? Or lunch?" Not that my
>wife would arrange things in that order.
>
>It was a pleasant read, one that just carries the reader along
>while kicking
>the feet on the desk as one reads. . . . Afterwards, I sketched
>the kids playing in the backyard. It was
>that kind of a story...and day. Ryan
Many thanks, Ryan--
I'm definitely going to put this comment in the "win" column.
You're right--it's that kind of story.
I particularly appreciate your reading something that's not your cup
of tea--I've gotten some mighty odd tastes in my mouth doing that. :-)
Jane
Jane MacDonald
jane...@excite.com
Jane MacDonald
You wrote:
>Writing a crit on your work kind of feels like Moses saying to God -
>"Hmm - not sure I like these commandments - can we change them a bit?"
As God said to Moses, "Hey, man! There's always room for improvement!"
Anyhow, I usually think of myself as a lesser demon, not a
full-fledged deity. I thank you very much for reading the story and
commenting on it.
>The age
>of the protagonist was a bit questionable, but I got the impression
>she was probably late 40's/early 50-ish, living in a community of
>folk about the same age. Hope that was your intent.
Pretty much right on the intent, but as others have pointed it out,
too, I need to fix it so it's a little clearer. Perfection is pretty
hard to come by. :-)
Jane
Jane MacDonald
jane...@excite.com
Ken S.
On Sun, 08 Apr 2001 02:11:58 GMT, jane...@excite.com (Jane
MacDonald) wrote:
>The Inspired Garden
>
>by Jane MacDonald
Because of time constraints, I generally only read the threads
relating to the writing process and not the critiquing threads.
Usually a paragraph or two of most stories is enough to make me hit
the key that puts the thread on "Ignore", and even when I read
something to completion, I very rarely ever comment on it.
This story was an exception. I enjoyed it enough that I wanted to
drop you a line to say so.
The only specific comment that I have to make is that, like others, I
wondered what happened to the kids.
Jane MacDonald
that one has got to go up somewhere near the top. It's so good
I can't bring myself to quote it here.
Thank you.
You wrote:
>The only specific comment that I have to make is that, like
> others, I wondered what happened to the kids.
Yes, I have to do something about them, don't I? I have two
myself, and they're always causing trouble, so I should have
known.
Jane
Jane MacDonald
jane...@excite.com
Jane MacDonald
Hi, doc--
I expected thoroughness and insight from you and I got it.
Thank you.
First thing--I think your ending is probably better than mine,
so I will consider yours a gift, and will probably use, if not the
exact words, at least most of them.
Next, on the matter of commas, you had the temerity to say:
>Here's a small thing. Normally, independent clauses are
>separated by a comma when the second one starts with a
>conjunction. Some people say it's okay to omit the comma if the
>second phrase is brief. So far, you've used both conventions.
>I'm going to attribute that to your open mind on punctuation
>and grammar.
Having an extremely discerning sense of humor, I know you
were kidding when you accused me of having an open mind on
grammar. Perish the thought! But punctuation is a very
different matter. So I will explain my philosophy of
punctuation, which I know the world is waiting breathlessly to
hear.
First, last, and always, punctuation is a major tool of writing;
it's as important as words are to a writer. Over the past
century or so, it's been pretty well codified, which makes it an
even better tool. Used properly, it telegraphs to readers all
sorts of useful information about rhythm, or cadence, and tone
of voice. Breaking the rules of punctuation is dangerous. But
those rules are far from sacred. To me, rhythm is most
important of all--if the story doesn't flow correctly, doesn't
"sound" right, the writer has made a mistake. Occasionally,
perhaps rarely, following the "rules" of punctuation will hurt
that rhythm; breaking the rules is then necessary. So I break
them. Because the code that has evolved is generally so
effective, breaking the rules is not often necessary, but when it
is, rhythm trumps rules.
Following the comma rules, in particular, can lead to jars in
the rhythm; those are the rules I violate most often. I'll leave
one out sometimes when the rules say put it in; I'll put one in
sometimes when the rules say no.
Of course, when it comes to getting the stuff published, I have
to give in to editors. So then I will, but only when I'm bloody
and bowed.
That's not to say I never make mistakes, because I do, and
whenever I break the rules I'm glad when someone points it
out, because then I have to make absolutely sure that I'm doing
it on purpose, not by accident. So your comma comments,
every one, are welcome.
And the most important matter--the gay stereotype. I fell into a
trap there, and had to go back and think about why I did.
Partly it was because I know a lot of artists, and I suspect the
percentage of gay men among them slightly, but not greatly,
exceeds the percentage of gay men in the general population. I
had a man I know in mind when I wrote those lines. But the
deeper reason was that I wanted to make it clear that Ralph
was not sexually attracted to Marie; I wanted no sexual
attraction in the story. If the story became a novel, that would
come up, but in this story I wanted it left out. So I made Ralph
gay.
But that had an unexpected side effect; by making Ralph gay, I
implied something about artists in general that I certainly
didn't want to imply. The "real" Ralph is gay, but in this case,
with only two artists other than Marie in the story, there's no
way I can make one of them gay; whether I like it or not, it
implies that most, or at least a very large minority, of artists
are gay--which is not true. So that's something important to fix;
if the story is to be realistic, Ralph's got to be straight. More
rewriting. I hope some other people read this, so they won't fall
into the same trap.
There's some other little stuff, but I'll just appreciate that, and
not discuss it here.
A good critique is a jewel; thank you again.
Jane
Jane MacDonald
jane...@excite.com
Rick LeBlanc
Jane MacDonald wrote:
> The Inspired Garden
Wow. Nice story, Jane. I liked it alot.
> "If you're having lunch, too, I'll join you. It's colder'n
> hell out there, and I'm hungry." He dumped his plaid quilted
> jacket on the floor in a corner, pulled out a wooden dining
> chair, and sat at the little table. "So what's new, Marie? Sold
> anything over the Internet yet?"
Your characters are vivid and totally believable.
> Donna threw her cigarette out into the snow in the
> parking lot and put her arms around Marie. "That's
> wonderful! That's just double-damn wonderful!" She backed
> off, looked at her friend, and shook her head. "Next thing you
> know, the dealers in New York will be after you!"
This is good stuff.
> One thing you could say about York--you could see the
> sky. She and Lawrence used to stand down by the river and see
> about a million stars. He knew all the constellations, and liked
> to pick them out. He'd tell her their stories, the Pleiades,
> Casseopia's Chair. But that night she stood alone outside her
> garage, house keys in her hand, and smiled to herself. At least
> she remembered that the Big Dipper was really a bear. Van
> Gogh painted a starry night--maybe she would someday.
Touching.
>
> Startled, she produced a quick smile. "Since when did
> you start looking at women, Ralph? Better watch out--Jack'll
> be miffed."
>
He can be gay . . . it works.
>
> Lawrence had always liked her landscapes. After Ralph
> left, she sat in her big chair and pondered.
Maybe, "But, Lawrence always liked my landscapes . . .."
> "Just water, please." He stretched and made himself
> comfortable. When she returned, he drank the glass of water in
> one swig. "Thank you." He moved to get up. >
> "No, sit there, I'm going to paint your picture." She
> walked over and stood before the easel. >
> "My picture? I wanted you to do my truck! What in hell
> gave you the idea to do a picture of me?" >
> "Just shut up and sit there. I'm working."
The friendly banter is good.
> "Maybe so. I watched you working out there in the
> garden, and decided to paint your portrait. So just shut up and
> sit there for a while, will you?"
>
Sorry, not much criticism, only because I try so hard to write with such
emotional depth. A fine tutorial, you expressed yourself with such clarity,
I didn't miss a single word.
Thanks for sharing it.
Rick
born2luz
>
>The Inspired Garden
Another ripper, Jane. Great character, and as always, great dialogue.
Loved
the growth in the character. Although I had the same problem with the
'missing' children and figuring out the women's age, I have to also say that
the first time I read it, the fact that the husband had passed escaped me.
I'd normally suggest that you do more with that aspect of it, but I feel you
have used the subtlety to great effect so I'll leave it at that.
Great stuff, as usual. Congrats.
Bart
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JeffD
A nice easy read with good dialogue and realistic characters. I'm
ambivalent about the low-key, thoughtful ending, but overall I
enjoyed learning about Marie.
One general thing I might suggest would be to reveal more of how she
feels about her husband. I think the ending would have more impact
also if more is shown about how fixiated she is on the past or the
status quo, particularly if it's detrimental to her in some way.
If I've read the story wrong, just ignore these suggestions. I've
made a few more comments below.
On Sun, 08 Apr 2001 02:11:58 GMT, jane...@excite.com (Jane
MacDonald) wrote:
>X-no-archive: yes
>
> Copyright 2001 Jane MacDonald
>
>The Inspired Garden
>
>by Jane MacDonald
>
> She wouldn't go, of course, but the ad for the annual flower
>show made Marie think of spring. Then she immediately
>thought of death. Not hers, but her husband's.
I liked your opening sentence. It might be better in the second
sentence, however, if her husband's death is only hinted at, which
is always easier said than done, of course.
The only thing I could think of is the following weak example: "The
memories, as they often would, came unbidden and for a moment she
found herself thinking of her husband, Lawrence, and of happier
times now past."
> They always started advertising in February, when
Because she had just been thinking of her husband, "they" initially
made me think she was talking about them. An alternative might be
something like: "The advertisements always appeared in February . .
. ."
>nobody really believed spring would ever come. The year
>before, she'd gone into Boston to see the show with Lawrence.
>They'd bought a little camellia, in a pot, and planned to keep it
>inside until spring actually did come--maybe early in May. By
>the time she placed it carefully on the deck behind their house,
>though, Lawrence wasn't around to see it flowering in the sunshine.
>Then she'd decided to sell her old home, to live in their cottage
>on the river in York, a few miles from the beach in Maine.
>She'd felt like a ghost wandering around the big house in
>suburban Newton. She'd never really liked it, anyhow, and the
>kids were off at college most of the time.
You've crammed a lot of backstory into that paragraph. It's a
problem I feel plagued with too, because there doesn't seem to be
any easy solution if there's much that needs to be known.
An alternative might be to turn it into a scene, set off by story
breaks, between Marie and her husband after they've returned home
from the show. A lot of the necessary details could be brought out
in the conversation, including how they feel about each other.
After returning from the break and before she starts thinking about
the advertisement again, it could then be revealed that he never saw
the flower bloom and that she had moved.
<snip>
> "Maybe so. I watched you working out there in the
>garden, and decided to paint your portrait. So just shut up and
>sit there for a while, will you?"
>
> ---The End---
She seems almost angry at the end. I was actually expecting her to
be more hesitant and fearful. If I'm reading the story correctly,
this is symbolic of a much larger change for her.
Brooke Sheldon
I enjoyed your story, and didn't have any real problems with it. The only
two things I could suggest is a little bit more info about Marie, and what
happened to Laurence. Maybe you could also go for a little more flow in the
changing of the scenes. For me, and this is probably only me who had a
problem, but it moved a little too quickly.
Thanks for the story Jane,
Brooke.
mat twassel
>
>> "Maybe so. I watched you working out there in the
>>garden, and decided to paint your portrait. So just shut up and
>>sit there for a while, will you?"
>>
>> ---The End---
>
>She seems almost angry at the end. I was actually expecting her to
>be more hesitant and fearful. If I'm reading the story correctly,
>this is symbolic of a much larger change for her.
>
Interesting observation. I didn't read any anger into her comments,
mostly (I think) because of previous dialogue but maybe also because
of some predisposition in me to see something conversational or
mock angry in the tone. I think the words and the tone do in fact
cover (as well as show) some feelings of trepidation.
The first part of Marie's final statement is also interesting. Of course
it's not clear exactly where the inspiration comes from. The story
gathers into this moment, and bing! there it is. A nice climax,
the result of fine development, deft construction, and wonderful
details.
--Mat
Michael Peppler
<jane...@excite.com> wrote:
>>The age of the protagonist was a bit questionable, but I got the
>>impression she was probably late 40's/early 50-ish, living in a
>>community of folk about the same age. Hope that was your intent.
>
> Pretty much right on the intent, but as others have pointed it out, too,
> I need to fix it so it's a little clearer. Perfection is pretty hard to
> come by. :-)
Just a differing data point - I didn't have any problem setting Marie's
age. I did feel just a tiny bit confused about the husband's death - I
was waiting for it to be taken up again at some point in the story - but
that's really a very minor nit.
A great story, as usual.
Michael
--
Michael Peppler - Data Migrations Inc. - mpep...@peppler.org
http://www.mbay.net/~mpeppler - mpep...@mbay.net
International Sybase User Group - http://www.isug.com
Sybase on Linux mailing list: ase-lin...@isug.com
Allegory60
was much different than those of yours I've read. This to me was parallel to
Marie "spreading" herself, in that you seem to be doing a similar thing as a
writer.
Next, I felt the piece made great use of detail--the right amount for the right
reasons--the cheese, flowers, etc.
I definitely got the contrast here between her vulnerability and
courage/strength.
After reading all of the replies, the thought struck me that every story posted
here should get as many responses. I don't think this is your best work, but
it seems new for you. I too have taken a turn for a more liesurely paced story
with detail and nostalgia.
Some ask about the children, why, I don't know. You clearly say they're in
college.
As for the sentence you rewrote several times, I'm afraid I coughed on it too:
>The advertisement in the Globe was tasteful, she
>thought, rather better than the exposition it announced was
>likely to be.
I simply would rewrite it (keeping most of your words, just in a different
order):
The advertisement of the exposition was tasteful, she thought, rather better
than it was likely to be.
This puts the object of the advertisement (exposition) closer, and only
eliminates "the Globe", which you could reinsert after "exposition." No
charge.
As for the ending, the "shut up" made a few see anger, but like Mat said, the
prior dialogue puts it in a different perspective. The thing about these
little short-short subtle pieces is, you can easily miss a clue or word that
leaves you in the dark or with the wrong impression. To me, this is why it's
such a challenge to write stories 2,000 words and under.
The tension should be within Marie in this story. I would only ask to see a
bit more of her struggling to "spread" herself--something that hits her when
she is watching Phil rototill. Something perhaps, that Lawrence had told her
once that she'd forgotten, about living life if she were ever to find herself a
widow. To me that would tie up the ending and her struggle more.
Thanks
DHank
JeffD
>As for the ending, the "shut up" made a few see anger, but like Mat said, the
>prior dialogue puts it in a different perspective. The thing about these
>little short-short subtle pieces is, you can easily miss a clue or word that
>leaves you in the dark or with the wrong impression. To me, this is why it's
Yes, I think it's true that missed words can give the wrong
impression. For example, I can only speak for myself, but my
actual comment was: "she seems almost angry at the end." Which
means I thought it was possible she was angry. Marie does display a
brusque manner at the end, in my opinion (and there was more than
one "shut up"), and while this could be read in different ways, one
of them is the possibility of anger.
My comment, which was intended for Jane's consideration, was simply
to indicate that I'd gotten the impression of a possibility she may
not have intended. Then again, she may have. And since I feel I
did read the ending carefully, no, I don't think I missed a clue--I
know how I could have read it.
Perhaps it's true that you, yourself are very much superior in
understanding the subtleties of short-shorts than my poor
unenlightened self, but personally, I don't think so. At any rate,
please spare me the condescensions and allow me my opinions,
unbelittled, as I allow you yours.
Jane MacDonald
I really appreciate the compliments, and every suggestion is
worth hearing, even if I get stubborn.
You wrote:
> the pace was much different than those of yours I've read. This to me
> was parallel to Marie "spreading" herself, in that you seem to be doing a
> similar thing as a writer.
A couple of other people have said that, and it's interesting.
Maybe it's true. I wasn't thinking of it that way, though--the
story is just what the story fairy brought. One thing is surely
parallel, though; I hadn't been "inspired" for quite a while
when I saw that ad, and just made myself start a story based on
it. It worked just the way Phil Daigle's plowing works; as it
went on, I enjoyed it more and more. So I learned something.
> the thought struck me that every story posted
> here should get as many responses.
I wish everybody could get more comments, too. Several
things can help, but it takes time. Whoever wants lots of
comments can do lots of careful, thorough, and most important,
honest, critiques for other people. They can thank everybody
who comments on anything they write; that includes the ones
who say only a word or two, because they need, them, too, and
the ones who say their stuff is awful--they need to know such
tasteless people are out there. They can post the very best work
they can, so nobody will be put off by something they
think is hopeless. Everytime they can help somebody, they
should. Unfortunately, if they post too many stories too fast,
they'll get fewer critiques on each one, because people like to
spread them around, since time is limited. Those are the only
methods I know that really work.
Now that I've got this story out of my system, I'll be making
more comments.
Best regards,
Jane
Allegory60
>understanding the subtleties of short-shorts than my poor
>unenlightened self, but personally, I don't think so. At any rate,
>please spare me the condescensions and allow me my opinions,
>unbelittled, as I allow you yours.
>
Let's hope your next plot is not as thin as your skin appears to be. My
comments were also for Jane, and not for you. When you post some fiction, I
will be happy to respond to it. I have reviewed my post, and see nothing in it
that compares my knowledge to yours or anyone else's. These imagined slights
and condescending attitudes you see are no doubt the result of factors in your
personal life. These would be best dealt with in emails, if I understand the
spirit of the FAQ.
I for one, would never attempt to make a comparison of someone's knowledge on a
message board with anyone elses.
DHank
Jane MacDonald
Your last comment, on her showing anger, startled me. Then I
looked at the passage again, and you're right on the money.
That wasn't intended, and now it's not there anymore. I
changed the ending a little anyway--that was doc and you at
work--and I made sure there are no longer *two* "shut-ups"
there. Of course, there was no reason for her to be angry,
which must have made it quite puzzling. Thank you very much
for that one.
I've also rewritten the backstory paragraph you spoke of, and
it's a lot better, too.
I can't get over how much difference a little help can make. I'm
beginning to think this story might end up being pretty good,
thanks to you and the others who have made suggestions.
Best regards,
Jane
George C
Beautiful story, and a meaningful one - the subject matter is one that I'm
familiar with, and like to write about, myself.
I especially liked:
"Inspired hell! You think I'm inspired to get up at five in
the morning and plow driveways? I just do it. Then I begin to
enjoy it.
That had a very real meaning to me. Lately the creative well has been as
dry as a ditch-digger's whatname for me. I was starting to despair a
little. Then you reminded me of what I told myself a long time ago.
I can see you selling this quite easily.
Cheers,
George
H. Danson
MacDonald) wrote:
>X-no-archive: yes
>
> Copyright 2001 Jane MacDonald
>
>The Inspired Garden
>
>by Jane MacDonald
>
>snip
Dear Jane,
It's an adorable story. I really loved it.
One thing struck me, while and after I read it. It was fragments of a
much longer story. That's ok. Writing short stories is about leaving
out a lot. Only, it was as if the story, all that wasn't there, was
too good to be left out.
I wonder why you cut it short, when you had the material to do
something substantial here. This is a sketch of a romantic novel, a
very good and promising one. So write it or write the first chapter
and use it along with this story as an outline and send it to an agent
or publisher. It is so good. Probably the best I've read from your
hand. (Now, that's really a compliment :-)
Please consider it, Jane. It's really, really good.
Kind regards
Danson
JeffD
this may have been better dealt with in email. For that, I
apologize to the group.
(BTW, as much as I'd like to be, I'm sorry I can't be as prolific as
some people. But if you really want to critique one of my stories,
you can always feel free to choose one from the archive.)
B.T. Filbeck
When I read this story, I felt the need to let it steep for awhile
before I commented. It has the same smooth flow that I have come to
expect in your work, along with some subtleties that I enjoyed a lot.
It didn't grab me the way some of your previous stories have, but I'm
sure it was not expected to. The ending was a little bland for my
taste, but I felt it was right for this particular story
The previous reviews have talked about the details and I think the
suggestions for changes in the ending would help it. I really had
nothing constructive to add but I wanted to share my impressions with
you.
Thanks for posting this one.
Bruce
LARRY HOYLES
Very good characterization; your people don't have the robotic, cue-card
reading feel that some fictional book characters have. I admire that a
lot.
Though your tale doesn't fit my preferred genre, it is told/written
well, clear and understandable. Don't get me wrong; I read everything,
and with about a hundred thousand more words, I can see real potential
for this on the mainstream shelves right beside Danielle Steele ~big
grin~
By the way: with all respect, I would leave the artist as a homosexual.
Did you intend to stereotype? Who was he when his character first walked
into the creative part of your mind? Hell,if he'd been a hairdresser,
then I might understand the questions. Even then, though, I wouldn't
change him one iota, because he is who he is. We must never allow the
politics and generally accepted etiquette to override the story. If we
do, then we become more lovers and analysts of the writing *game* rather
than lovers of writing the tale. The difference is working in an
editor's office or working at home as an author, no matter how well we
may write.
When creating characters, it's best to keep what comes, to trust your
first instincts because that's the only way to relay what the writer
part of you truly meant. As far as folks (such as yourself) screaming
about stereotypes and what-not, let the tale speak for itself and don't
apologize for the pureness of the fiction that, in a sense, presents
itself to you.
I appreciate you very much.
Larry