(story) surrealism repost -- Late at night on television
Electric Angel
It is nothing but still photographs of pudding. A pleasant female voice
tells us what kind of pudding we are looking at. "Butterscotch pudding,"
she will say. Or "Tapioca pudding." Tranquil pan flute music plays in
the background. Each image stays on the screen for one minute. Then it
is replaced with another image.
Every now and then, a crappy Uncle Sam puppet pops up in the foreground.
It yammers something in gibberish for a few seconds and then it
disappears again.
*
Late at night on television, there is a show called "Mean Santa Claus."
It is a show about department store Santas who like to make kids cry.
One of the Santas has razor sharp teeth. Another Santa whacks the kids
with his beard. Most of the Santas are Japanese.
*
Late at night on television, there is a show about a man sitting on the
toilet.
He is sitting there, stark naked, with his head bowed, between his
hands. He is about 55. Every now and then, he looks at the camera and
says: "Don't eat cheese."
*
Late at night on television, there is a televangelist who doesn't like
socks.
"Socks are evil," he tells his audience. The audience is made up
entirely of department store mannequins and stuffed penguins.
The televangelist takes off his clothes. He has a giant Hagar the
Horrible tattooed on his chest. The televangelist's penis is so long
that it touches the floor.
He begins pacing the stage, extolling his television audience to send
him potatoes. Later, Orville Redenbacher joins him and the two of them
do a beautifully choreographed tap dancing routine.
*
Late at night on television, there is a show about mimes.
The mime is alone in a black room. He never says anything. He spends the
entire hour feeling the glass walls of an invisible box that he's
trapped inside. Now and then he will walk against the wind or he'll go
fishing. Sometimes a doctor comes on. He feeds the mime a stethoscope.
The mime eats it. Then he grows wings and flies away.
*
Late at night on television, there is a talk show starring a demonic
ventriloquist dummy named Hank.
Hank interviews inanimate objects. Once he interviewed a shoe.
Hank: Hi shoe.
Shoe:
Hank: What do you think of the situation in the Middle East?
Shoe:
Hank: Any thoughts on the Stanley Cup race?
Shoe:
Hank: Say, you don't speak much, do you?
Shoe: That's because shoes can't talk, dammit!!!
*
Late at night on television, there is a show about breakdancing
toddlers.
Apparently, Kenya is renown for its breakdancing toddlers. (It's also
renown for Roger Whittaker.) There's this one two year old black kid
that can do a mean headspin. Rich businessmen throw rice at him.
This show's main sponsor is Polydent.
*
Late at night on television, the rock group U2 is baking stawberry
muffins.
When they are done, they glue the muffins to Harley Davidson
motorcycles. Then they light the motorcycles on fire and drop them in
the Pacific Ocean.
*
Late at night on television, there is a show where everyone in the world
named Mark Catterwinich is gathered in one tiny room.
The object of the show is for the different Mark Catterwinich to
convince each other to commit suicide. When there's only one Mark
Catterwinich left, he will win the grand prize, which is a mayonaise jar
full of dead bees.
When the show started in 1993, there were 736 Mark Catterwiniches in the
world. Today, there are 517.
You are not allowed to murder a fellow Mark Catterwinich. You *must*
convince him to kill himself (or herself, three of the Mark
Catterwiniches are females.) However, if a Mark Catterwinich dies of
natural causes, that's fair game.
The Vegas favourite to win is Mark Catterwinich.
He is from Australia.
*
Late at night on television, there is a show called "Being Mean to
Puppies."
There is absolutely no sound on this show. It is just a bunch of live
images of puppies trapped in precarious situations. There is a shih tzu
puppy trapped on the roof of a motorhome, which is speeding down the San
Francisco freeway.
*
Late at night on television, a cartoon Richard Nixon sings Christmas
carols to various big league baseball stadiums. Right now, he is singing
O COME ALL YE FAITHFUL to the Houston Astrodome.
*
Late at night on television, different Greek gods and goddesses recite
dirty limericks.
Aphrodite: "There once was a man from St. Paul's.
Who loved to play in great halls.
His favourite trick
was to stand on his prick
and roll off the stage on his balls."
*
Late at night on television, there is a James Bond movie where 007 is
played by an apple.
There is a scene where a woman is in bed, kissing the apple (Bond.) A
bad guy breaks into the room and James Bond kills him with a fireplayer.
It's interesting watching an apple handle a flamethrower.
*
Late at night on television, there is a documentary about a 93-year-old
lady who collects her ancestors' ear wax and displays it in cigar boxes.
She has an autographed picture of Donald Duck on her living room wall.
It is framed with discarded orange peels.
This lady cannot go outside. If she does, she will be sucked into the
sun. Then she'll die.
*
Late at night on television, there is a scientific expose about blue
whales.
It explains that if you take the bone marrow of a blue whale and place
it in a zero gravity environment, it will turn into cotton candy.
Even as we speak, candy manufacturers are trying to buy Lake Ontario as
a blue whale breeding ground.
*
Late at night on television, there is a show about naked, masturbating
clowns.
Do I really have to describe this?
No.
Thank God.
Now and then, Michael Caine is the guest host.
*
Late at night on television, there is a black and white sit-com about
myself and a talking duck.
In this show, we play bartenders in a blue collar bar in Cincinnatti.
Jack Nicholson is a regular guest star. He also does tampon commercials.
*
Late at night on television, there is a dwarf discussion group. It is
called DWARF DISCUSSION. Tonight they are talking about static cling.
One dwarf says the best way to eliminate static cling is to put three
entire cloves of garlic in with each load of laundry.
Another dwarf says it's best to not wash your clothes at all.
Then they braid each other's beards.
*
Late at night on television, you can watch Al Pacino play with Barbie
dolls for one full hour.
"Barbie is driving her convertible," Al says. He is kneeling on his
living room carpet, wearing a pair of overalls and a Calgary Flames
hockey jersey. His hairy Italian hand pushes Barbie, in her convertible,
across the rug.
"Now Barbie gets out of her car and goes into her jacuzzi," Al narrates.
"Oh look. Ken is in there. I wonder if they'll fuck."
Then we cut to a McDonalds commercial.
Ronald McDonald is smiling at the camera. He is holding a sledgehammer.
Suddenly, he places his other hand on the table and begins beating the
shit out of it with the sledgehammer.
"Ho ho ho," Ronald laughs. "That feels very very good. Hey kids, buy a
Happy Meal. They're very very good for you."
By the time the commercial is over, Ronald McDonald's hand is a
bleeding, broken pulp.
"Barbie and Ken didn't fuck," Al Pacino explains. "Barbie's on her
period."
*
Late at night on television, there is an infomercial for a special
invention that will turn absolutely anything into Kenny Rogers.
"Watch this," says the host. He aims the invention, which looks like a
Star Trek phaser gun, at a head of cabbage. He shoots it. The cabbage
turns into Kenny Rogers, who starts singing The Gambler.
"This is not trick photography," promises the host. "If you're one of
the millions of Americans who's always wanted Kenny Rogers to visit your
home, this is the gift for you."
Only four easy payments of $59.95. Extra for Oregon residents.
*
Late at night on television, there is a movie about Siamese twins who
want to cover everything in the world with masking tape.
*
Late at night on television, there is a children's show starring a punk
rocker named Birdie.
Birdie has a one foot tall mohawk. The mohawk is blue. He wears a Sex
Pistols shirt. The children's show takes place in a fast food
restaurant. Birdie is the head cashier.
There are two supporting cast members. Mike, the fry cook, never says
anything. He just picks his nose, picks his pimples, and spits into the
bubbling oil. Floyd, a plush St. Bernard, is the restaurant manager. He
is very impatient and he screams profanity at everyone, especially
Birdie.
When Floyd gets particularly nasty, Birdie cuts away to a serialized
cartoon from the 1950s. This cartoon is about a bottle of salad dressing
that is running for the Presidency of the United States.
*
Late at night on television, there is a show called "Sailboat."
We see a picture of a pink flamingo standing on top of a filing cabinet.
"This is a sailboat," says the narrator.
We see a picture of the Queen of England jumping over a pile of dirty
laundry.
"This is a sailboat," says the narrator.
We see a picture of a banana nailed to a tree in the middle of Vietnam.
"This is a sailboat," says the narrator.
We see a picture of a sailboat cutting its way across perfect blue
waters on a beautiful and cloudless summer day.
"These are figs," says the narrator.
*
Late at night on television, there is a show called "Lying on things."
Every week, a different guest star walks around and lies on things.
Tonight, Wayne Gretzky lies on a park bench, a wedding cake, a coffin
filled with live boa constrictors, someone's front lawn, a crippled guy
named Dave, some dead vultures in the Nevada desert, several decks of
playing cards, the Louvre, and Shania Twain.
*
Late at night, I sleep. The television stays off.
Can you guess why?
--
Hey, look me over
Tell me do u like what u see?
Hey, I ain't got no money
But honey I'm rich on personality
Hey, check it all out
Baby I know what it's all about
Before the night is through
U will see my point of view
Even if I have 2 scream and shout
'Cause Baby I'm a star
Might not know it now
but baby U'll find out that I'm a star
I don't want to stop, 'til I reach the top
-- Prince.