Nov. Challenge: "The Messenger" (950 words)
Carter Jefferson
<wind...@voyager.fishnet> wrote:
Hi, Sue--
Thank you.
I finally decided to let it be a "literary" story--the reader can
decide for herself what the ending is. *My* guess is this: He's
the director, so he's back at HQ, ordering guys like Jackson
out to do the dangerous stuff. Sending a white feather was, in
times long past, a way of accusing someone of cowardice. The
widow (or significant other or whatever) forgives him, but
somehow the girl with the bag doesn't. He doesn't forgive
himself, either, which I hope is clear enough in the story. In
any case, he has to live with what he's done. That's always the
way--the captain, or general, or whoever makes the decision to
risk another's life, is always responsible. Presumably, that
authority makes the decision for some greater good, like
national defense. Commanders have agonized over this sort of
thing since time immemorial; having power is not all fun when
lives are in the balance.
Obviously, it would be possible to write a story that made all
that clear. For my money, however, the biggest challenge in
this challenge is accounting for the action of the giver. I've read
some of the other stories, and people have handled that in
several ways. Finding a reason for the girl's action would be
difficult for me. This way I don't really have to.
I probably shouldn't have accepted the challenge, but I haven't
written a serious story in quite a while. The challenge
motivated me, so I took a chance, and you saw what came out.
Thanks again for the reading. Should I post this to the group,
or let it be between you and me?
BTW--if I start violating any of the grouop norms, please let me know.
I'm biddable. Wiould you please take a look at the crit of Roy's piece
that I did? I need to know if it is in bounds.
Carter
Carter Jefferson
cart...@mindspring.com
>Hi Carter,
>
>I think you were here before my time, but welcome back. It's nice to
>meet you.
>
>This is a well-written story. It held my interest, and I enjoyed it, but
>I think it needs a stronger ending. Either that or more clues, so the
>reader understands it better. I like the idea of a feather in the bag,
>but I keep thinking I missed something subtle. If I did, please let me
>know. Despite my comments on the ending, it is good challenge story.
>Thanks for posting.
>
>-Sue
Wind River
>
> On Tue, 11 Nov 2003 19:12:06 -0500, Wind River
> <wind...@voyager.fishnet> wrote:
>
> Hi, Sue--
>
> Thank you.
You're welcome.
> I probably shouldn't have accepted the challenge, but I haven't
> written a serious story in quite a while. The challenge
> motivated me, so I took a chance, and you saw what came out.
No, don't say that! I'm glad you wrote a challenge story, and I really
enjoyed the images and wording. I just didn't know the feather reference
for cowardice. Others might.
> Thanks again for the reading. Should I post this to the group,
> or let it be between you and me?
It's on the group, and that's good. :)
> BTW--if I start violating any of the grouop norms, please let me know.
> I'm biddable. Wiould you please take a look at the crit of Roy's piece
> that I did? I need to know if it is in bounds.
You gave a very good critique. It's helpful and detailed. Roy might not
get back to you right away, but don't take that as anything more than
real life has pulled him away for awhile. It happens to all us.
-Sue
Joel Crum
news:9io0rvsd7p4qgslls...@4ax.com:
> The Messenger (950 words)
>
Hiya,
I enjoyed your story and found it to be a very innovative take on the
challenge. I found your description of the city and the girl very
engaging. I'm particularly impressed with the flare you use to reveal the
bag's contents.
On the con side, it seemed you leave a few too many details unexplained.
What's the man a director of and how did the girl know to give him the
bag? How does the individual who died merit his traveling all the way
from Baghdad (or is it London?) to report his death? I think you could
address that with about two lines. One a casual reference to the man as
a good friend, politically important, or only there at the messenger's
behest. And a second for his organization and recognizablity.
--
- Joel C.
"I hate Clocks, I hate they way they tick
They make me nervous, they make me itch.
Man there’s a lott’a things I ain’t done yet."
- Southern Culture on the Skids.
Carter Jefferson
>Carter Jefferson <cart...@mindspring.com> wrote in
>news:9io0rvsd7p4qgslls...@4ax.com:
>
>> The Messenger (950 words)
>>
>
>Hiya,
>
>I enjoyed your story and found it to be a very innovative take on the
>challenge. I found your description of the city and the girl very
>engaging. I'm particularly impressed with the flare you use to reveal the
>bag's contents.
>
>On the con side, it seemed you leave a few too many details unexplained.
>What's the man a director of and how did the girl know to give him the
>bag? How does the individual who died merit his traveling all the way
>from Baghdad (or is it London?) to report his death? I think you could
>address that with about two lines. One a casual reference to the man as
>a good friend, politically important, or only there at the messenger's
>behest. And a second for his organization and recognizablity.
-----
Thanks for the read, Joel--
I think you're probably right about the need for a bit more
info--I've probably been reading too many New Yorker stories,
where I never do figure out what's going on. When I go to
work revising this, I'll keep it in mind. It'll be difficult, of
course, but what isn't in this business?
Carter
Carter Jefferson
cart...@mindspring.com
Joel Crum
> I think you're probably right about the need for a bit more
> info--I've probably been reading too many New Yorker stories,
> where I never do figure out what's going on. When I go to
> work revising this, I'll keep it in mind. It'll be difficult, of
> course, but what isn't in this business?
>
Well I read your reply to River so I know what you're going for. To me
(and perhaps enough other people for it to matter, or perhaps not)
stories are quantum worlds that only exist when they are observed by the
author. So if you don't tell us why something happened it didn't happen
for any particular reason. That's fine with 99% of the story. After all
we accept gravity and the like without questioning. But a few
motivations should be brushed in. To (over)extend the quantum analogy
you don't need to give me a deterministic speed and position of all your
characters motivations. Just give me a probability it's in a certain
zone and I'm happy.
--
- Joel C.
[On Politics] "What's going on here is something like lying-by-reflex. If
the opposition accuses you of saying the world is round, you lunge for
the microphone to declare your passionate belief that it is flat."
Michael Kinsley
Wind River
>
> Carter Jefferson <cart...@mindspring.com> wrote in
> news:bfe8rvgob3k54aqkv...@4ax.com:
>
> > I think you're probably right about the need for a bit more
> > info--I've probably been reading too many New Yorker stories,
> > where I never do figure out what's going on. When I go to
> > work revising this, I'll keep it in mind. It'll be difficult, of
> > course, but what isn't in this business?
> >
>
> Well I read your reply to River so I know what you're going for. To me
Cool! I have a new name. I've been called Wind, Windy, WR, Wine River,
but never River. :)
elle`attend
> On Tue, 11 Nov 2003 19:12:06 -0500, Wind River
> <wind...@voyager.fishnet> wrote:
>
I think that I might enjoy this story, once I have read it. And I
could do that...where?
A google turned up some fascinating information on a blues musician of
the same name, and I did find one site with some writings, but I am
not sure it is yours, as the above-referenced story was not in
evidence there.
Any clues will be greatly appreciated. I do love a mystery.
Thank you.
elle`attend
elle`attend
Never mind; I finally found it (Thank you Alaric...) I still probably
am going to post a jeremiad about the proliferation of 'Easter Egg'
stories here, though. Oh well.
Not much to quibble with. Very tight, well-crafted prose, with
excellent flow. Lots of unique, and uniquely eye-catching imagery,
which I am inordinately fond of. I plan to steal some them, my
ultimate compliment. (Kidding.) I liked it a lot.
> Then she comes in smiling from the hallway leading to the
> torture chambers.
So...a dentist! (I know, I know...DDS. But I'm getting to the point
where I immediately think some sort of monarchical award when I see
strings of initials behind a name, particularly on this site.) I
thought you might set ‘smiling' off with commas, or dashes, or
somesuch. Just so idiots like myself don't stop and wonder what that
hallway said to make her smile so.
> She tears herself loose and falls into a brocaded chair,
I don't think you need this adjective here. It feels unnecessary, and
out of place to me, considering the context.
> "Let me get my coat and tell the doctor I'm going. I can't
> stay here and be all perky for patients today." She seems
> to be pleading with me, like I wouldn't want to stick
> around. She's right. "Let's find some crappy bar. I'll have
> about six scotches and you can take me home."
This whole speech would sound much better in your protagonist's mouth,
I think. Too much logical, practical brainwork going on in it for a
woman who's just had the sky dropped on her. ‘All perky' sounds a
particularly jarring note for me in this context. So:
"Listen, go get your coat and let's get out of here. You can't hang
around dealing with patients like nothing's happened…I'll buy you a
drink. Or ten." etc. etc...
You can still make the internal reference to his reluctance to do
this, and it gives you the opportunity to slip in another reference to
his obvious guilt about whatever has happened, how he feels it's his
duty to take the initiative considering the circumstances.
"Nothing's in there but a white feather…"
A.E.W. Mason? Do I win the prize? [elle beams ridiculously]
‘When Allah made the Sudan, he laughed...'
-Old Islamic proverb, from ‘The Four Feathers.'
Thanks for a very entertaining little read.
elle`attend