(surrealism) Late at night on television...
Electric Angel
It is nothing but still photographs of pudding. A pleasant female voice
tells us what kind of pudding we are looking at. "Butterscotch pudding,"
she will say. Or "Tapioca pudding." Tranquil pan flute music plays in
the background. Each image stays on the screen for one minute. Then it
is replaced with another image.
Every now and then, a crappy Uncle Sam puppet pops up in the foreground.
It yammers something in gibberish for a few seconds and then it
disappears again.
*
Late at night on television, there is a show called "Mean Santa Claus."
It is a show about department store Santas who like to make kids cry.
One of the Santas has razor sharp teeth. Another Santa whacks the kids
with his beard. Most of the Santas are Japanese.
*
Late at night on television, there is a show about a man sitting on the
toilet.
He is sitting there, stark naked, with his head bowed, between his
hands. He is about 55. Every now and then, he looks at the camera and
says: "Don't eat cheese."
*
Late at night on television, there is a televangelist who doesn't like
socks.
"Socks are evil," he tells his audience. The audience is made up
entirely of department store mannequins and stuffed penguins.
The televangelist takes off his clothes. He has a giant smurf tattooed
on his chest. The televangelist's penis is so long that it touches the
floor.
He begins pacing the stage, extolling his television audience to send
him potatoes. Later, Orville Redenbacher joins him on stage and the two
of them do a beautifully choreographed tap dancing routine.
*
Late at night on television, there is a show about mimes.
The mime is alone in a black room. He never says anything. He spends the
entire hour feeling the glass walls of an invisible box that he's
trapped inside. Now and then he will walk against the wind or he'll go
fishing. Sometimes a doctor comes on. He feeds the mime a stethoscope.
The mime eats it. Then he grows wings and flies away.
*
Late at night on television, there is a talk show starring a sock puppet
named Hank.
Hank interviews inanimate objects. Once he interviewed a shoe.
Hank: Hi shoe.
Shoe:
Hank: What do you think of the situation in the Middle East?
Shoe:
Hank: Any thoughts on the Stanley Cup race?
Shoe:
Hank: Say, you don't speak much, do you?
Shoe: That's because shoes can't talk, dammit!!!
*
Late at night on television, there is a show about breakdancing
toddlers.
Apparently, Kenya is renown for its breakdancing toddlers. (It's also
renown for Roger Whittaker.) There's this one two year old black kid
that can do a mean headspin. Rich businessmen throw rice at him.
This show's main sponsor is Polydent.
*
Late at night on television, the rock group U2 is baking stawberry
muffins.
When they are done, they glue the muffins to Harley Davidson
motorcycles. Then they light the motorcycles on fire and drop them in
the Pacific Ocean.
*
Late at night on television, there is a show where everyone in the world
named Mark Raivio is gathered in one tiny room.
The object of the show is for the different Mark Catterwinich to
convince each other to commit suicide. When there's only one Mark
Catterwinich left, he will win the grand prize, which is a mayonaise jar
full of dead bees.
When the show started in 1993, there were 736 Mark Catterwiniches in the
world. Today, there are 517.
You are not allowed to murder a fellow Mark Catterwinich. You *must*
convince him to kill himself (or herself, three of the Mark
Catterwiniches are females.) However, if a Mark Catterwinich dies of
natural causes, that's fair game.
The Vegas favourite to win is Mark Catterwinich.
He is from Australia.
*
Late at night on television, there is a show called "Being Mean to
Puppies."
There is absolutely no sound on this show. It is just a bunch of live
images of puppies trapped in precarious situations. There is a shih tzu
puppy trapped on the roof of a motorhome, which is speeding down the San
Francisco freeway.
*
Late at night on television, a cartoon Richard Nixon sings Christmas
carols to various big league baseball stadiums. Right now, he is singing
O COME ALL YE FAITHFUL to the Houston Astrodome.
*
Late at night on television, different Greek gods and goddesses recite
dirty limericks.
Aphrodite: "There once was a man from St. Paul's.
Who loved to play in great halls.
His favourite trick
was to stand on his prick
and roll off the stage on his balls."
*
Late at night on television, there is a James Bond movie where 007 is
played by an apple.
There is a scene where a woman is in bed, kissing the apple (Bond.) A
bad guy breaks into the room and James Bond kills him with a fireplayer.
It's interesting watching an apple handle a flamethrower.
*
Late at night on television, there is a documentary about a 93-year-old
lady who collects her ancestors' ear wax and displays it in cigar boxes.
She has an autographed picture of Donald Duck on her living room wall.
It is framed with discarded orange peels.
This lady cannot go outside. If she does, she will be sucked into the
sun. Then she'll die.
*
Late at night on television, there is a scientific expose about blue
whales.
It explains that if you take the bone marrow of a blue whale and place
it in a zero gravity environment, it will turn into cotton candy.
Even as we speak, candy manufacturers are trying to buy Lake Ontario as
a blue whale breeding ground.
*
Late at night on television, there is a show about naked, masturbating
clowns.
Do I really have to describe this?
No.
Thank God.
Now and then, Michael Caine is the guest host.
*
Late at night on television, there is a black and white sit-com about
myself and a talking duck.
In this show, we play bartenders in a blue collar bar in Cincinnatti.
Jack Nicholson is a regular guest star. He also does tampon commercials.
*
Late at night, I sleep. The television stays off. Guess why.
--
Hey, look me over
Tell me do u like what u see?
Hey, I ain't got no money
But honey I'm rich on personality
Hey, check it all out
Baby I know what it's all about
Before the night is through
U will see my point of view
Even if I have 2 scream and shout
'Cause Baby I'm a star
Might not know it now
but baby U'll find out that I'm a star
I don't want to stop, 'til I reach the top
-- Prince.
Electric Angel
Electric Angel wrote:
> Late at night on television, there is a show where everyone in the world
> named Mark Raivio is gathered in one tiny room.
>
Ah frig!!! Replace that Raivio with Catterwinich please!!! Dammit!!!
grizzellda
"Electric Angel" <electr...@sympatico.caNOSPAM> wrote in message
news:3E39D95F...@sympatico.caNOSPAM...
>
>
> Electric Angel wrote:
>
Some interesting and funny stuff here, Electric Angel.
nativelaw
"Electric Angel" <electr...@sympatico.caNOSPAM> wrote in message
> Late at night on television, there is a show called "The Pudding Show."
>
Well I'm gonna have to look for the Pudding Show <g>. It's a pudding
connection. My daughter used to holler out, "Pudding Signs!" ever time we
passed an orange construction sign on the highway. This is due to the fact
that we once passed a green road sign for a road called "Pudding Street"
about the same time as we passed some road construction and she asked (being
about 3 or 4) "Mommy, what does that sign say?" and I said "Pudding Street"
thinking she meant the road sign. For months after that when we passed
construction spots I heard the excited cry, "look mommy, pudding signs!"
michael
"Electric Angel" <electr...@sympatico.caNOSPAM> wrote in message
news:3E39D7E5...@sympatico.caNOSPAM...
>
> It is nothing but still photographs of pudding. A pleasant female voice
> tells us what kind of pudding we are looking at. "Butterscotch pudding,"
> she will say. Or "Tapioca pudding." Tranquil pan flute music plays in
> the background. Each image stays on the screen for one minute. Then it
> is replaced with another image.
>
Hi, EA. I usually enjoy your stuff. I didn't enjoy this. I found it to be
almost willfully pretentious; it reads like you were trying to outdo
yourself one idea after the other, and to me, it carries the air of an
in-joke between author and himself with nobody else invited to share.
Sorry. But there it is.
Egad
"Electric Angel" <electr...@sympatico.caNOSPAM> wrote in message
news:3E39D7E5...@sympatico.caNOSPAM...
> Late at night on television, there is a show called "The Pudding Show."
>
> It is nothing but still photographs of pudding. A pleasant female voice
> tells us what kind of pudding we are looking at. "Butterscotch pudding,"
> she will say. Or "Tapioca pudding." Tranquil pan flute music plays in
> the background. Each image stays on the screen for one minute. Then it
> is replaced with another image.
>
> Every now and then, a crappy Uncle Sam puppet pops up in the foreground.
> It yammers something in gibberish for a few seconds and then it
> disappears again.
>
>
<space saving snip>
> Late at night on television, there is a show where everyone in the world
> named Mark Raivio is gathered in one tiny room.
>
> The object of the show is for the different Mark Catterwinich to
> convince each other to commit suicide. When there's only one Mark
> Catterwinich left, he will win the grand prize, which is a mayonaise jar
> full of dead bees.
>
> When the show started in 1993, there were 736 Mark Catterwiniches in the
> world. Today, there are 517.
>
> You are not allowed to murder a fellow Mark Catterwinich. You *must*
> convince him to kill himself (or herself, three of the Mark
> Catterwiniches are females.) However, if a Mark Catterwinich dies of
> natural causes, that's fair game.
>
> The Vegas favourite to win is Mark Catterwinich.
>
> He is from Australia.
>
1. Is the name switch intentional? If so, i would lose it. I think it is
much funnier without.
> *
>
> Late at night on television, there is a show called "Being Mean to
> Puppies."
>
> There is absolutely no sound on this show. It is just a bunch of live
> images of puppies trapped in precarious situations. There is a shih tzu
> puppy trapped on the roof of a motorhome, which is speeding down the San
> Francisco freeway.
>
> *
>
> Late at night on television, a cartoon Richard Nixon sings Christmas
> carols to various big league baseball stadiums. Right now, he is singing
> O COME ALL YE FAITHFUL to the Houston Astrodome.
>
> *
>
2. The Houston Astrodome is no longer the baseball field in Houston. It is
now Minute Maid Park downtown, formerly known as Enron Field. The old
astrodome just sits there taking up parking space for the new Reliant
Stadium.
3. This cracked me up.
Thanks for posting
Egad
Alaric
clowns. Do I really have to describe this? No. Thank God. Now and then,
Michael Caine is the guest host.
Not a lot of people know that.
Hi, Steve. Got a few laughs, but couldn't really engage. Seems a lot to say
late night TV is weird. Sorry.
Amanda Tarr
"Electric Angel" <electr...@sympatico.caNOSPAM> wrote in message
news:3E39D7E5...@sympatico.caNOSPAM...
>
Personally, I liked this as an experiment, expression of creativity. It wore
on just a bit at the end. For impact, I might suggest cutting some of the
weakest "shows"
Electric Angel
Thanks for looking at this piece, which I admit was a bit of a risk
for me.
I've been fascinated with surrealism for about a year now. It started
when I caught a few glimpses of the Salvador Dali film, UN CHIEN
ANDALOU.
I tried writing a surreal novel (called I HATE YOU) and now this short
piece. Maybe surrealism isn't my forte. Even so, it's refreshing to
swing weak every now and then. Shows me that I ain't perfect.
Peace
EA
Electric Angel <electr...@sympatico.caNOSPAM> wrote in message news:<3E39D95F...@sympatico.caNOSPAM>...
Decaying Atheist
"Electric Angel" <lactating_pa...@hotmail.com> wrote in message
news:583d2b2d.03013...@posting.google.com...
> Hi everyone.
>
> Thanks for looking at this piece, which I admit was a bit of a risk
> for me.
>
> I've been fascinated with surrealism for about a year now. It started
> when I caught a few glimpses of the Salvador Dali film, UN CHIEN
> ANDALOU.
Interesting film. We watched it last semester in my Language of Film class.
--
Decaying Atheist ICQ: 161624095
Current Project: The Coming Conflict
11:29:23 PM ---- Friday, January 31, 2003
"This seems like a case where we need to shoot the messenger." (Charlie
Kaufman on Cypherpunks list)
Amanda Tarr
"Electric Angel" <lactating_pa...@hotmail.com> wrote in message
news:583d2b2d.03013...@posting.google.com...
>
> Thanks for looking at this piece, which I admit was a bit of a risk
> for me.
>
> I've been fascinated with surrealism for about a year now. It started
> when I caught a few glimpses of the Salvador Dali film, UN CHIEN
> ANDALOU.
>
> I tried writing a surreal novel (called I HATE YOU) and now this short
> piece. Maybe surrealism isn't my forte. Even so, it's refreshing to
> swing weak every now and then. Shows me that I ain't perfect.
I HATE YOU has been some of favorite reading on this group. Personally, I
like the style of both this and the novel. Perhaps quite niche, though. I'll
give you that.
Patrick Null
>"Electric Angel" <electr...@sympatico.caNOSPAM> wrote in >message
>news:3E39D7E5...@sympatico.caNOSPAM...
> Late at night on television, there is a show called "The >Pudding Show."
(snip of funny stuff)
Hi, Steve. This cracked me up. I think the story itself wears out its
welcome after the 6th or seventh boring program. My interest started to
wane. My advice is to pick the 6 or seven shows that you feel most strongly
about, and write the story from there.
I like the message-that there's nothing good on late-night tv.
Thanks for posting.
Take care.
Electric Angel
Patrick Null wrote:
That sentence would be more accurate without the words "late-night"
>
> Thanks for posting.
>
> Take care.
--
Andrew Callahan
Getting to this late. I loved it.
Others commented they would suggest taking out some parts, but I think it
wouldn't work as well. I don't know if this is surrealism or not. Seems
Absurdist to me. One of the tenants of Absurdist writings is that they take
a long time to point out the fact that they aren't saying much.
Your man on the toilet reminded me of an idea I had for a story. My notes
for such a story (which I've never shared with anyone before) are here.
Begin Story Idea --- The Job Interview
A man is being interviewed for an entry-level accounting position with a Big
6 accounting firm and is talking about what has influenced his life. He
refers to a great "classic movie" that he admits very few people saw because
it was a cult, underground movie, "Dead Men Don't Eat Cheese." The man
says, 'Unlike Steve Martin's attempt to be funny in "Dead Men Don't Wear
Plaid," "Dead Men Don't Eat Cheese" was a documentary setting out to prove
that in fact, dead men don't eat cheese. The movie goes from funeral home
to funeral home, with the camera crew barging in to back rooms and
preparation rooms where they can find corpses. They then stuff a large
wedge of cheese in the mouth of a corpse and film it for 10 minutes for
evidence of eating or chewing. The movie goes on like this through 10 or 12
corpses, almost all men, but about two or three women. At the end, it cuts
suddenly to this field of wild flowers in the summer. Music is playing, I
think it might be the Mamas and the Papas. Then, slowly far away, a cow
walks into the field and can just barely be seen on the screen. It's like
this whole metaphor, the cow represents the cheese, you see, because he
isn't being eaten. Then, almost as overkill, the final scene a man appears,
sitting at a picnic table, with a glass of milk next to him. The man then
utters the most profound thing I think I have ever heard in a movie, any
movie, and I think the movie proves that he is right. He says, Dead Men
Don't Eat Cheese. So that's kind of how I live my life.
End Story Idea ---
The interview of between Hank and the shoe bears some similarity to my
recently posted Flash piece "We Died on the Same Day".
Many of your programs are beautifully under written. Notably, the ones with
Michael Caine and Jack Nicholson.
I really like this. I wouldn't bet on its marketability, but then, what do
I know?
Quite funny. Good job. Thanks for posting.
Andrew
"Electric Angel" <electr...@sympatico.caNOSPAM> wrote in message
news:3E39D7E5...@sympatico.caNOSPAM...
Andrew Callahan
Andrew
Harper M. Willson
wrote:
<snip>
>Late at night, I sleep. The television stays off. Guess why.
Hi, EA. Some funny bits here. Lots of smart detail, pleasant repetition device,
pulling it all together. No nits at all. Your essays are strong. Enjoyable!
Harper
--
Born in the year of the doorgoon.