(Sliver) "House of the Eveningland" 350 words
Fedallah
of a dream that was disconcerting for no immediately
apparent reason, and I just thought I'd try to capture the
mood by physical description.
As always, all comments and criticisms more than welcome.
Rick
"House of the Eveningland"
The house is very old, much older by far than the style and
material of its construction would suggest. To say it is
abandoned would be wrong, because that presupposes there was
a resident at some point and I can't be sure that is the
case. It sits on a shadowed plain, somewhere in Europe.
The door is open, and creaks in the breeze that comes down
cool from the indifferent mountain near by. A table sits
in one corner, near a shuttered window that is
yellow-stained. A rough chair is there, as if there was
once a thought of someone sitting, possibly to eat a meal.
It is quite large, but on the closest examination I could
give, the chair had no signs of wear, and no scuff marks on
the wooden floor. Across the room, under a half-shuttered
window, is a smaller table.
This table supports an old phonograph that must have been
wound by some hand now dead for centuries. It plays still,
but very slowly. The music that it softly sends over that
plain has always been melancholy, but it is now melancholy
and warped. So warped, in fact, that its style is a
mystery. It will likely die soon in any case, leaving both
the house and its empty surroundings in silence.
One wall has a painting, and I suspect that this painting
changes as the door creaks its notice of fading time through
the years. For some time the painting has been something
that looks very much like Picasso's Guernica. It is set
oddly on its hook however, leaving it crooked and skewed.
This house is one that I stumble across in my dreams on
occasion. I see it from a distance and am drawn towards it,
soon finding myself in its forgotten walls. The house
itself is somehow more real than the dream that contains it
though. I know this because I have tried to wind the
phonograph and set the picture straight, but I am less real
than they and can't disturb them. Please forgive me.
Sooz
Thank-you.
> Rick
>
> "House of the Eveningland"
>
> The house is very old, much older by far than the style and
> material of its construction would suggest. To say it is
> abandoned would be wrong, because that presupposes there was
> a resident at some point and I can't be sure that is the
> case. It sits on a shadowed plain, somewhere in Europe.
Lovely, it feels evocative of a dreamy misty sort of place.
>
> The door is open, and creaks in the breeze that comes down
> cool from the indifferent mountain near by. A table sits
> in one corner, near a shuttered window that is
> yellow-stained. A rough chair is there, as if there
Too 'there'' too close together, the first one s prety redundant. "A
chair is placed under the sill" or something.
was
> once a thought of someone sitting, possibly to eat a meal.
> It is quite large, but on the closest examination I could
> give, the chair had no signs of wear, and no scuff marks on
> the wooden floor. Across the room, under a half-shuttered
> window, is a smaller table.
>
> This table supports an old phonograph that must have been
> wound by some hand now dead for centuries. It plays still,
> but very slowly. The music that it softly sends over that
> plain has always been melancholy, but it is now melancholy
> and warped. So warped,
I love this.
in fact, that its style is a
> mystery. It will likely die soon in any case, leaving both
> the house and its empty surroundings in silence.
>
> One wall has a painting, and I suspect that this painting
> changes as the door creaks
And this
its notice of fading time through
> the years. For some time the painting has been something
> that looks very much like Picasso's Guernica. It is set
> oddly on its hook however, leaving it crooked and skewed.
>
> This house is one that I stumble across in my dreams on
> occasion. I see it from a distance and am drawn towards it,
> soon finding myself in its forgotten walls. The house
> itself is somehow more real than the dream that contains it
Beautiful sentence
> though. I know this because I have tried to wind the
> phonograph and set the picture straight, but I am less real
> than they and can't disturb them. Please forgive me.
Not keen on the last three words. Other than that, this is beautiful
the description is vivid and colourful. I could see the house and
Austria springs to mind, and yet the house seemed much more Edwardian
British, that Austrian tilted timber.
Loved it.
Sooz
Fedallah
Sooz wrote:
>
> Hello Rick ... Er ..May I?
>
> Thank-you.
*Grinz* of course... I always like reading your critiques.
>
> > though. I know this because I have tried to wind the
> > phonograph and set the picture straight, but I am less real
> > than they and can't disturb them. Please forgive me.
>
> Not keen on the last three words. Other than that, this is beautiful
> the description is vivid and colourful. I could see the house and
> Austria springs to mind, and yet the house seemed much more Edwardian
> British, that Austrian tilted timber.
> Loved it.
> Sooz
Very cool... I've been trying to effectively evoke certain
moods and especially a dream-like feel to things so that I
can go back to a long-neglected project and do it somewhat
decently. Glad it worked here, and your nits were spot-on.
I added those last three words when I posted it, and have no
idea why LOL I'm not too attached to them.
Rick
Fedallah
macjack wrote:
>
> Ah, Mr. Fedallah.. a prolific one, aren't you? Let's take a look at your
> latest...
*chuckles* Just trying to get into the writing habit again.
> > The house is very old, much older by far than the style and
> > material of its construction would suggest.
>
> But that makes it sound _new_ to me. Because if it's older than its style
> would suggest, well, that means it must have had a style that was ahead of
> it's time. So now I'm thinking of it as being sort of modernistic, but
> outdated. Do you know what I mean?
Yep, know exactly what you mean. I should have made it
clearer, but it would have thrown the reader off from the
beginning. The house is supposed to be old enough that it
shouldn't have a phonograph etc. at all.
>
> > To say it is
> > abandoned would be wrong, because that presupposes there was
> > a resident at some point and I can't be sure that is the
> > case. It sits on a shadowed plain, somewhere in Europe.
>
> I'd suggest exchanging the order of these two sentences. The first one
> suggests that I'm about to hear something detailed about it, and then
> instead I get something quite general ("somewhere in Europe"). But this
> is just a minor point, and I almost didn't mention it.
Actually I like the suggestion... moving from general to
specific generally works better.
> > The door is open, and creaks in the breeze that comes down
> > cool from the indifferent mountain near by.
>
> I don't like the word indifferent there, actually. Indifferent to what?
> I know what you're trying to express, but it just doesn't work for me,
> personally. I'm at a loss for something else to suggest, though;
> "impassive mountain" maybe?
I understand why it may not work... if I were going to make
something of this bit I think I'd keep it though. It's sort
of meant to hint at the indifference of the universe to man
and his creations.
>
> Man, I'm really picking this apart, huh? See? That "Phobia" thing raised
> my standards of you so high that now you just can't compete with
> yourself. haha.. Kidding. Maybe I'll tone it down a little...
*g* No worries... I always enjoy a thorough critique, and
especially on little sort of practice pieces like this that
I'm not too attached to. It lets me look at the mechanics
and such more clearly, so thanks.
>
> > It is quite large, but on the closest examination I could
> > give, the chair had no signs of wear, and no scuff marks on
> > the wooden floor.
>
> "The chair is large, but it's not worn." Doesn't make a whole lot of sense.
Umm.. you're right. LOL
> > One wall has a painting, and I suspect that this painting
> > changes as the door creaks its notice of fading time through
> > the years.
>
> I think you lost me with "the door creaks its notice of fading time". I
> just don't see how the door creaking is a notice of... oh wait.. "fading
> time". Okay. Maybe I got it. How long the painting has had to fade, is
> that what you mean?
Was just written confusingly on my part, and could do with
some re-working. The image was meant to be one of the
painting actually gradually changing into something else
through the years/centuries, and that the only notice beyond
that indicating the passing of time is the continual
creaking of the door. Theres alot of private symbolism
(i.e. stuff connected in odd ways in my own head) that
explains why time itself is described as "fading" in the
sentence.
> ***
>
> Well. I've read character-driven fiction. I've read plot-driven
> fiction. But I honestly didn't think anyone would ever write
> setting-driven fiction. And now you've gone and done it.
>
> Not bad.
Thanks for the critique and taking the time to read. It was
mostly an experiment or writing excercise, and I'm glad some
enjoyment was gotten out of it.
Rick
Alaric P. McDermott
>
> "House of the Eveningland"
There is a house in New Orleans, they call...
Oh. Sorry.
Hi, Rick.
> > The house is very old, much older by far than the style and
> material of its construction would suggest. To say it is
> abandoned would be wrong, because that presupposes there was
> a resident at some point and I can't be sure that is the
> case. It sits on a shadowed plain, somewhere in Europe.
You've still got that there hook goin' on, man. Good first paragraph,
but I'm not sure about the last sentence. I'd say either skip it (do
we need to know?) or be precise (so we do know.)
>
> The door is open, and creaks in the breeze that comes down
> cool from the indifferent mountain near by. A table sits
> in one corner, near a shuttered window that is
> yellow-stained. A rough chair is there, as if there was
> once a thought of someone sitting, possibly to eat a meal.
It's furnished, then. So that does suggest a former resident.
> It is quite large, but on the closest examination I could
> give, the chair had no signs of wear, and no scuff marks on
> the wooden floor. Across the room, under a half-shuttered
> window, is a smaller table.
>
> This table supports an old phonograph that must have been
> wound by some hand now dead for centuries.
Centuries? Are we in the future? Note to self - check phonograph
invention date. If thought correct, make big issue in ng to embarrass
Rick. If wrong, keep quiet.
It plays still,
> but very slowly. The music that it softly sends over that
> plain has always been melancholy, but it is now melancholy
> and warped. So warped, in fact, that its style is a
> mystery. It will likely die soon in any case, leaving both
> the house and its empty surroundings in silence.
Why does it play continuously?
>
> One wall has a painting, and I suspect that this painting
> changes as the door creaks its notice of fading time through
> the years. For some time the painting has been something
> that looks very much like Picasso's Guernica.
Very much like? Odd concept. Okay, I suppose, in a dream.
It is set
> oddly on its hook however, leaving it crooked and skewed.
>
> This house is one that I stumble across in my dreams on
> occasion. I see it from a distance and am drawn towards it,
> soon finding myself in its forgotten walls. The house
> itself is somehow more real than the dream that contains it
> though. I know this because I have tried to wind the
> phonograph
Surely you don't need to wind it if it's playing?
and set the picture straight, but I am less real
> than they and can't disturb them. Please forgive me.
Don't see the meaning or value of the last line.
Interesting, Rick. Don't know if there's intended to be more. What
there is - usual high standard. But I don't get a vibe or a purpose
from so little.
Fedallah
"Alaric P. McDermott" wrote:
>
> Fedallah <reha...@earthlink.net> wrote in message news:<3B87CE41...@earthlink.net>...
> >
> > "House of the Eveningland"
>
> There is a house in New Orleans, they call...
>
> Oh. Sorry.
Great, now "The Animals" tunes are going to be running
through my head all day ;)
>
>
> Interesting, Rick. Don't know if there's intended to be more. What
> there is - usual high standard. But I don't get a vibe or a purpose
> from so little.
Thanks for taking the time to read and comment. It was
mostly a throw-away piece practicing setting, I guess. On
another level, there's alot of pretentious symbolism, but
symbolism that I wasn't expecting anyone else to see, as
it's meanings are founded on odd conceptual relationships in
my head and just developed as I was writing it. Kinda like
"oh, that's what that's doing there." I'll spell it out
just for the sake of clarification because it may answer
some of the questions you asked. But I agree that there's
not enough here and that the piece doesn't work in a few
fundamental ways. As an excercise, it was just meant to
evoke a mood, which it failed to do.
Rick
"Eveningland"-- a word for "the West" based on the German
formulation Das Abendland (can't spell english too well,
never mind german.)
House-- built for someone large, but never used by that
person, next to an indifferent mountain. God never showed
up.
Phonograph-- a symbol for the fading of culture in the West
as it approaches its end. It's winding down but not
stopped, thus the effort to wind it again.
Painting-- Picasso's Guernica always struck me as a perfect
comment on the barbarity and absurdity of this century and
its wars.
Guess it's about the failure of western culture and its
dreams, sorta facing the emptiness of so much of it after we
allowed something like Aushwitz to take place. Phonographs
for some reason always remind me of Old-World Europe in the
first part of this century.
day for night
still do. Anyway, they probably nitted your story to pieces. Keep the last
three words, I think they're just swell. Great descriptions too.
Michael
"Fedallah" <reha...@earthlink.net> wrote in message
news:3B87CE41...@earthlink.net...
Fedallah
day for night wrote:
>
> I didn't reply to this right away because I hated the title. Yep. Definately
> still do. Anyway, they probably nitted your story to pieces. Keep the last
> three words, I think they're just swell. Great descriptions too.
>
> Michael
*chuckles* All my titles are after-thoughts... not too
attached to this one. Glad you liked the descriptions, and
that the last line worked for you. I still haven't decided
whether I like it or not. Thanks for taking the time to
read and comment.
Rick