(short story) Undercoating and Pinstriping
Jdl1139
active in this ng and defintiely reviewing others' work more often. Thanks so
much for your advice and suggestions, can't wait to hear 'em.
Undercoating and Pinstriping
by Justin La Mar
On his way to work Monday morning Jack stopped at Stan's Coffee Cup for
his usual mocha and copy of the USA Today. He pulled his silver '85 Corolla
with 351,000 miles on it into the parking lot of Redwood Chevrolet and parked
in the back where all the employees parked. Looking at the miserable looking
heaps that he and his fellow car salesman drove, Jack thought it very ironic
that people who sell cars for a living can't afford to own a newer car! But it
could be he thought that we simply spend our money on other stuff, and there
WERE a few almost new cars in the employee parking lot, not many though.
Jack walked by a group of smoking salesman just outside the main entrance.
He said hi, and they nodded, too cool to actually answer him. Jack walked in
and sat his coffee, paper, and jacket down in a cubicle. Car salesman at
Redwood Chevrolet long ago were deprived of the privilege of having their own
offices or desks. Now, they just occupy a cubicle for the day, any cubicle.
Dave, the sales manager, walked over to him, looking somber but
determined. "Jack, we got to talk, can you follow me?", he said. Jack followed
him out of the cubicle and to the back of the sales floor where Dave's office
was. Jack walked in, and Dave closed the door.
Dave had his own office, his own territory that he had pissed on and
claimed years ago. A painting of a lighthouse hung on the wall along with
several framed sales awards from General Motors, a plaque with the Chevy logo,
and Dave's diploma from California State Sacramento -- B.S. in Business, 1973.
On a shelf in back of his desk, Dave had a nice and rather expensive collection
of Franklin Mint models of classic Chevrolet models. They ranged from a 1915
Delivery Truck to a 1955 Bel Air to a 2003 Corvette and everything in between.
Jack really liked the '55 Bel Air replica.
"Jack, I'm real sorry to have to do this to to you." Jack's blood rushed
to his extremities. Tingling muscles. Shocked, he knew what was going down.
Slow motion. Flight or flight syndrome.
Dave wore a perfectly starched and pressed white dress shirt with a royal
blue necktie and matching kerchief in his pocket along with dark blue trousers.
Jack, and the rest of his fellow salesman, only had to wear blue polo shirts
with the Redwood Chevrolet logo on them. Guess Dave prefers the formal look.
Dave's hair was real short and what of it that was left was slicked back to the
point of almost defying the laws of physics. Jack had heard that Dave got
haircuts every 3 days and Jack almost could believe it.
"Jack, you just aren't performing to the standards that we discussed when
we hired you." More tingling. Fear. Rent's due in 2 weeks. How can I pay
for it? Insurance, food, child support!
Dave's desk was in perfect order as usual. Most people's desks were
cluttered messes, but Dave imposed a strict order on his personal space. The
desk itself only had 3 things on it: a PC monitor with 3 post-it notes stuck to
it, a Chevrolet desk calendar, and a huge porcelain mug with the Chevrolet logo
on it that served as a holder for his pens, pencils, and scissors.
"Dave, what? I've only been here 3 months. My sales are picking up.
Come on, you can't do this to me. I need this job. I have child support for
my daughter."
Dave was a big guy and had played center for the Cal State -- Sacramento
football team. He was 6'6" and 250 pounds, no fat whatsoever. Jack had been
bored to tears with various Dave sports stories over the past 3 months. Sports
just weren't important to a guy like Jack. Jack had his jazz albums and CD's,
his small original abstract art collection, and his passion for gourmet
cooking. Jack thought himself superior to a lunkhead like Dave, albeit a
successful lunkhead.
Dave pulled a manilla file folder from his filing cabinet and began
looking at some printouts. "Jack, you aren't selling many units. Last month,
you only sold 4 units. 2 Cavaliers and 1 Tracker for less than retail. The
margin on those is razor thin as it is, and you sold them for less than retail,
so we made nothing on those units. Then you sold a used 1995 Buick Regal for
only $1,200 more than what we had in it. So last month you didn't even sell
enough to cover your $1,500 salary."
"Dave, come on, I need another chance. Can I have another chance? I'll
observe Gary and see what he's doing that I'm not." More tingling, slight
tightness in his chest, not too bad though. The shock was wearing away and the
truth was setting in.
"Jack, also you don't sell any undercoating. You haven't sold one
undercoating package in 3 months. You've never sold an undercoating package,
period, as a matter of fact. And you've only sold 2 pinstriping packages and 1
radio upgrade."
Dave sat down, took his glasses off, and pretended to rub sleepy out of
his eyes. "We make next to nothing on new car sales. We have to push the
upgrades to make money."
"Jack, we do have a severance package for you. I had the office manager
cut a check for you, and it should be ready by now. It's the $375 we owe you
for last week and an extra $1,000 severance. Your medical and dental benefits
for you and your daughter last until the end of the month."
Dave stood up. "I'm going to the office to get your check, Jack, I'll be
right back." Jack looked to see if anyone was looking. He quickly got up and
walked over to the replica car collection. He quickly picked up and pocketed
the replica of the '55 Bel Air. He sat back down. Dave won't notice that 1
out of his 100 or so cars is missing for awhile, and when he does, I'll be just
a memory, Jack thought. Dave'll probably assume a big eyed kid nabbed it.
Dave came back into the office. Jack stood. "Good luck my friend, you'll
find a more suitable occupation. Hell maybe you can't sell this undercoating
and pinstriping crap 'cause your ethics get in the way! No one actually needs
pinstriping or undercoating! Except us!"
Dave offered Jack a handshake. Jack's hand disappeared in Dave's
Herculean hand crush. Dave's handshakes hurt slightly but reminded one of who
they were in company with, a true titan of retail car sales.
Michael
> I haven't posted a story for a while, so here goes! I plan on getting more
> active in this ng and defintiely reviewing others' work more often. Thanks so
> much for your advice and suggestions, can't wait to hear 'em.
>
Well, howdy yourself.
>
> Undercoating and Pinstriping
> by Justin La Mar
>
> On his way to work Monday morning Jack stopped at Stan's Coffee Cup for
> his usual mocha and copy of the USA Today. He pulled his silver '85 Corolla
> with 351,000 miles on it into the parking lot of Redwood Chevrolet and parked
> in the back where all the employees parked.
There sure is a lot of parking/parked going on.Couldn't it be (forgive
me);
"He pulled his silver '85 Corolla with 351,000 miles on it into the
employees' parking lot at the back." Or something. It could be
tightened, or like the guy's Corolla, tuned up a little.
> Jack walked by a group of smoking salesman just outside the main entrance.
> He said hi, and they nodded, too cool to actually answer him. Jack walked in
> and sat his coffee, paper, and jacket down in a cubicle. Car salesman at
> Redwood Chevrolet long ago were deprived of the privilege of having their own
> offices or desks. Now, they just occupy a cubicle for the day, any cubicle.
The 'long ago' needs to be moved - I can see what you're trying to say
but it isn't quite right. Try "Car salesman at Redwood Chevrolet were
deprived long ago of the privilege of having their own offices or
desks." Just one possible example.
Again, this could be tighter. Try dropping the "having their own", for
example. It still reads OK to me.
>
> Dave, the sales manager, walked over to him, looking somber but
> determined. "Jack, we got to talk, can you follow me?", he said. Jack followed
> him out of the cubicle and to the back of the sales floor where Dave's office
> was. Jack walked in, and Dave closed the door.
>
I think this is general "show, don't tell" territory - if Dave asks
Jack to talk and they walk into Dave's office, we can summise Dave is
a manager. You don't need to tell us that fact in the first sentence -
you take any suspense from the introduction of the new character.
> Dave had his own office, his own territory that he had pissed on and
> claimed years ago. A painting of a lighthouse hung on the wall along with
> several framed sales awards from General Motors, a plaque with the Chevy logo,
> and Dave's diploma from California State Sacramento -- B.S. in Business, 1973.
> On a shelf in back of his desk, Dave had a nice and rather expensive collection
> of Franklin Mint models of classic Chevrolet models. They ranged from a 1915
> Delivery Truck to a 1955 Bel Air to a 2003 Corvette and everything in between.
> Jack really liked the '55 Bel Air replica.
We know you mean the 1955 Bel Air replica. You could just say he
really liked the Bel Air.
>
> "Jack, I'm real sorry to have to do this to to you." Jack's blood rushed
> to his extremities. Tingling muscles. Shocked, he knew what was going down.
> Slow motion. Flight or flight syndrome.
>
> Dave wore a perfectly starched and pressed white dress shirt with a royal
> blue necktie and matching kerchief in his pocket along with dark blue trousers.
> Jack, and the rest of his fellow salesman, only had to wear blue polo shirts
> with the Redwood Chevrolet logo on them. Guess Dave prefers the formal look.
> Dave's hair was real short and what of it that was left was slicked back to the
> point of almost defying the laws of physics. Jack had heard that Dave got
> haircuts every 3 days and Jack almost could believe it.
Woah there... I very much doubt if Jack's about to be landed with a
bombshell, he'd be noting Dave's sense of dress. I'd think about
shuffling the paragraphs about.
>
> "Jack, you just aren't performing to the standards that we discussed when
> we hired you." More tingling. Fear. Rent's due in 2 weeks. How can I pay
> for it? Insurance, food, child support!
>
> Dave's desk was in perfect order as usual. Most people's desks were
> cluttered messes, but Dave imposed a strict order on his personal space. The
> desk itself only had 3 things on it: a PC monitor with 3 post-it notes stuck to
> it, a Chevrolet desk calendar, and a huge porcelain mug with the Chevrolet logo
> on it that served as a holder for his pens, pencils, and scissors.
Again. He won't care about Dave's desk when his immediate concern is
his livelihood. Put yourself in your hero's position. Would you react
to Dave's comments by describing the desk in your head? Nah.
...and so on.
Here's a positive. I like the way you play with words, and the
descriptiveness of your prose is good. But I have two problems with
your style.
First, it's flabby - you use too many words to paint your pictures,
and sometimes less is more. Don't stress it. I was the same when I
started here, and I don't know how much progress I've made since, but
there's less fat on the stories now due to some encouraging but hard
critiques from the others here. They're a good crowd. Stick around.
Secondly, I think you should consider the order of the paragraphs, and
the dialectic of action v description. As stated, I would be very
surprised if in the throes of being fired, your protagonist would care
about the state of his bosses' office, or his bosses' suit, or his
bosses' physical description. Describe his boss when he greets Jack,
not when you're already in his office.
Hope this isn't harsh. Get stuck in to it, be ruthless, repost it.
I'll happily give it another look.
Michael
> active in this ng and defintiely reviewing others' work more often. Thanks so
> much for your advice and suggestions, can't wait to hear 'em.
>
Well, howdy yourself.
>
> Undercoating and Pinstriping
> by Justin La Mar
>
> On his way to work Monday morning Jack stopped at Stan's Coffee Cup for
> his usual mocha and copy of the USA Today. He pulled his silver '85 Corolla
> with 351,000 miles on it into the parking lot of Redwood Chevrolet and parked
> in the back where all the employees parked.
There sure is a lot of parking/parked going on.Couldn't it be (forgive
me);
"He pulled his silver '85 Corolla with 351,000 miles on it into the
employees' parking lot at the back." Or something. It could be
tightened, or like the guy's Corolla, tuned up a little.
> Jack walked by a group of smoking salesman just outside the main entrance.
> He said hi, and they nodded, too cool to actually answer him. Jack walked in
> and sat his coffee, paper, and jacket down in a cubicle. Car salesman at
> Redwood Chevrolet long ago were deprived of the privilege of having their own
> offices or desks. Now, they just occupy a cubicle for the day, any cubicle.
The 'long ago' needs to be moved - I can see what you're trying to say
but it isn't quite right. Try "Car salesman at Redwood Chevrolet were
deprived long ago of the privilege of having their own offices or
desks." Just one possible example.
Again, this could be tighter. Try dropping the "having their own", for
example. It still reads OK to me.
>
> Dave, the sales manager, walked over to him, looking somber but
> determined. "Jack, we got to talk, can you follow me?", he said. Jack followed
> him out of the cubicle and to the back of the sales floor where Dave's office
> was. Jack walked in, and Dave closed the door.
>
I think this is general "show, don't tell" territory - if Dave asks
Jack to talk and they walk into Dave's office, we can summise Dave is
a manager. You don't need to tell us that fact in the first sentence -
you take any suspense from the introduction of the new character.
> Dave had his own office, his own territory that he had pissed on and
> claimed years ago. A painting of a lighthouse hung on the wall along with
> several framed sales awards from General Motors, a plaque with the Chevy logo,
> and Dave's diploma from California State Sacramento -- B.S. in Business, 1973.
> On a shelf in back of his desk, Dave had a nice and rather expensive collection
> of Franklin Mint models of classic Chevrolet models. They ranged from a 1915
> Delivery Truck to a 1955 Bel Air to a 2003 Corvette and everything in between.
> Jack really liked the '55 Bel Air replica.
We know you mean the 1955 Bel Air replica. You could just say he
really liked the Bel Air.
>
> "Jack, I'm real sorry to have to do this to to you." Jack's blood rushed
> to his extremities. Tingling muscles. Shocked, he knew what was going down.
> Slow motion. Flight or flight syndrome.
>
> Dave wore a perfectly starched and pressed white dress shirt with a royal
> blue necktie and matching kerchief in his pocket along with dark blue trousers.
> Jack, and the rest of his fellow salesman, only had to wear blue polo shirts
> with the Redwood Chevrolet logo on them. Guess Dave prefers the formal look.
> Dave's hair was real short and what of it that was left was slicked back to the
> point of almost defying the laws of physics. Jack had heard that Dave got
> haircuts every 3 days and Jack almost could believe it.
Woah there... I very much doubt if Jack's about to be landed with a
bombshell, he'd be noting Dave's sense of dress. I'd think about
shuffling the paragraphs about.
>
> "Jack, you just aren't performing to the standards that we discussed when
> we hired you." More tingling. Fear. Rent's due in 2 weeks. How can I pay
> for it? Insurance, food, child support!
>
> Dave's desk was in perfect order as usual. Most people's desks were
> cluttered messes, but Dave imposed a strict order on his personal space. The
> desk itself only had 3 things on it: a PC monitor with 3 post-it notes stuck to
> it, a Chevrolet desk calendar, and a huge porcelain mug with the Chevrolet logo
> on it that served as a holder for his pens, pencils, and scissors.
Again. He won't care about Dave's desk when his immediate concern is
Rick
> I haven't posted a story for a while, so here goes! I plan on getting
more
> active in this ng and defintiely reviewing others' work more often.
Thanks so
> much for your advice and suggestions, can't wait to hear 'em.
Nice little slice, Justin. Lots of irony.
Not quite as smooth as I feel it could be. But, otherwise, an interesting
read.
More comments below. Thanks for posting.
Rick
> Undercoating and Pinstriping
> by Justin La Mar
>
> On his way to work Monday morning Jack stopped at Stan's Coffee Cup
for
> his usual mocha and copy of the USA Today. He pulled his silver '85
Corolla
> with 351,000 miles on it into the parking lot of Redwood Chevrolet and
parked
> in the back where all the employees parked. Looking at the miserable
looking
> heaps that he and his fellow car salesman drove, Jack thought it very
ironic
> that people who sell cars for a living can't afford to own a newer car!
But it
> could be he thought that we simply spend our money on other stuff, and
there
> WERE a few almost new cars in the employee parking lot, not many though.
Last sentence is awkward.
>
> Jack walked by a group of smoking salesman just outside the main
entrance.
> He said hi, and they nodded, too cool to actually answer him.
Maybe, "looking like they were too cool to actually answer him."
> Jack walked in and sat his coffee, paper, and jacket down in a cubicle.
Maybe, "Jack walked into a cubicle and set down his coffee, paper, and
jacket."
Car salesman at
> Redwood Chevrolet long ago were deprived of the privilege of having their
own
> offices or desks. Now, they just occupy a cubicle for the day, any
cubicle.
>
> Dave, the sales manager, walked over to him, looking somber but
> determined.
Sales Manager should be in caps.
"Jack, we got to talk, can you follow me?", he said.
Full stop after talk. This line should be a separate paragraph for correct
POV.
> Jack followed
> him out of the cubicle and to the back of the sales floor where Dave's
office was. Jack walked in, and Dave closed the door.
Maybe, "and Dave followed, closing the door."
>
> Dave had his own office, his own territory that he had pissed on and
> claimed years ago.
A note: Your narrator's voice seems inconsistent throughout the work. Maybe
make him a neutral observer.
> A painting of a lighthouse hung on the wall along with
> several framed sales awards from General Motors, a plaque with the Chevy
logo,
> and Dave's diploma from California State Sacramento -- B.S. in Business,
1973.
Think it's just BS, err, BB (bachelor of business).
> On a shelf in back of his desk, Dave had a nice and rather expensive
collection
> of Franklin Mint models of classic Chevrolet models.
Snip a model.
> They ranged from a 1915
> Delivery Truck to a 1955 Bel Air to a 2003 Corvette and everything in
between.
> Jack really liked the '55 Bel Air replica.
Snip the first 1955 Bel Air.
> "Jack, I'm real sorry to have to do this to to you."
New paragraph.
> Jack's blood rushed
> to his extremities. Tingling muscles. Shocked, he knew what was going
down.
> Slow motion. Flight or flight syndrome.
You could probably meld this into one sentence. It's Fight or Flight
Syndrome.
> Dave wore a perfectly starched and pressed white dress shirt with a
royal
> blue necktie and matching kerchief in his pocket along with dark blue
trousers.
Dark blue trousers in his pocket?
> Jack, and the rest of his fellow salesman, only had to wear blue polo
shirts
> with the Redwood Chevrolet logo on them. Guess Dave prefers the formal
look.
> Dave's hair was real short and what of it that was left was slicked back
to the
> point of almost defying the laws of physics. Jack had heard that Dave got
> haircuts every 3 days and Jack almost could believe it.
>
> "Jack, you just aren't performing to the standards that we discussed
when
> we hired you."
New paragraph.
Snip a was.
>
> "Jack, also you don't sell any undercoating. You haven't sold one
> undercoating package in 3 months. You've never sold an undercoating
package,
> period, as a matter of fact. And you've only sold 2 pinstriping packages
and 1
> radio upgrade."
>
> Dave sat down, took his glasses off, and pretended to rub sleepy out
of
> his eyes.
What's sleepy?
"We make next to nothing on new car sales. We have to push the
> upgrades to make money."
>
> "Jack, we do have a severance package for you. I had the office
manager
> cut a check for you, and it should be ready by now. It's the $375 we owe
you
> for last week and an extra $1,000 severance. Your medical and dental
benefits
> for you and your daughter last until the end of the month."
>
> Dave stood up. "I'm going to the office to get your check, Jack,
I'll be
> right back."
New paragraph. I thought the banter between them was excellent.
Jack looked to see if anyone was looking. He quickly got up
and
> walked over to the replica car collection. He quickly picked up and
pocketed
> the replica of the '55 Bel Air.
Snip a quickly.
> He sat back down. Dave won't notice that 1
> out of his 100 or so cars is missing for awhile, and when he does, I'll be
just
> a memory, Jack thought. Dave'll probably assume a big eyed kid nabbed it.
>
> Dave came back into the office. Jack stood.
New paragraph. It's tricky to decipher who's speaking.
> "Good luck my friend, you'll
> find a more suitable occupation.
Full stop in the middle.
> Hell maybe you can't sell this undercoating
> and pinstriping crap 'cause your ethics get in the way! No one actually
needs
> pinstriping or undercoating! Except us!"
>
> Dave offered Jack a handshake. Jack's hand disappeared in Dave's
> Herculean hand crush. Dave's handshakes hurt slightly but reminded one of
who
> they were in company with, a true titan of retail car sales.
Last paragraph is a bit clumsy.
Alaric
Nice story of a small vengeance. Good title too. Sad and affecting, and
simultaneously just ordinary life. Some tense work needed, but generally
smooth prose.
"Jdl1139" <jdl...@aol.com> wrote in message
news:20030119000224...@mb-bg.aol.com...
Jdl1139
suggestions people have offered.
nativelaw
you.
"Jdl1139" <jdl...@aol.com> wrote in message
news:20030119000224...@mb-bg.aol.com...
> I haven't posted a story for a while, so here goes! I plan on getting
more
> active in this ng and defintiely reviewing others' work more often.
Thanks so
> much for your advice and suggestions, can't wait to hear 'em.
>
>
> Undercoating and Pinstriping
> by Justin La Mar
>
> On his way to work Monday morning Jack stopped at Stan's Coffee Cup
for
> his usual mocha and copy of the USA Today.
just, 'copy of "USA Today"' I think
He pulled his silver '85 Corolla
> with 351,000 miles on it into the parking lot of Redwood Chevrolet and
parked
> in the back where all the employees parked. Looking at the miserable
looking
you can just say miserable, without the repetition of looking
> heaps that he and his fellow car salesman drove, Jack thought it very
ironic
> that people who sell cars for a living can't afford to own a newer car!
I would lose the ! here since it's a thought and he probably didn't exclaim
it to himself
But it
> could be he thought that we simply spend our money on other stuff, and
there
> WERE a few almost new cars in the employee parking lot, not many though.
You might want to trim the last line
>
> Jack walked by a group of smoking salesman just outside the main
entrance.
> He said hi, and they nodded, too cool to actually answer him.
you might consider saying this differently... is "too cool" their thoughts,
or his? not a reflection of temperature I presume. Also might want to just
lose it altogether it doesn't add much (kind of makes Justin sound younger
than yuo might want).
Jack walked in
> and sat his coffee, paper, and jacket down in a cubicle.
maybe "put' instead of "sat"?
Car salesman at
> Redwood Chevrolet long ago were deprived of the privilege of having their
own
> offices or desks. Now, they just occupy a cubicle for the day, any
cubicle.
The last line is implied by the two above it.
>
> Dave, the sales manager, walked over to him, looking somber but
> determined.
Is this Jack's POV into Dave's head? Pulls me out a little. Somber I have
less trouble with than determined, for some reason.
"Jack, we got to talk, can you follow me?", he said. Jack followed
> him out of the cubicle and to the back of the sales floor where Dave's
office
> was. Jack walked in, and Dave closed the door.
>
> Dave had his own office, his own territory that he had pissed on and
> claimed years ago.
I know you don't mean that he pissed all over his desk, but the image didn't
work for me personally without advance development into Dave's character and
the territorial goings-on at the dealership.
A painting of a lighthouse hung on the wall along with
> several framed sales awards from General Motors, a plaque with the Chevy
logo,
> and Dave's diploma from California State Sacramento -- B.S. in Business,
1973.
> On a shelf in back of his desk, Dave had a nice and rather expensive
collection
> of Franklin Mint models of classic Chevrolet models. They ranged from a
1915
> Delivery Truck to a 1955 Bel Air to a 2003 Corvette and everything in
between.
> Jack really liked the '55 Bel Air replica.
These are observations but I'm not sure what they add to the story...to show
Dave is a longterm, serious employee? If you want him to be unsympathetic
and differentiated from Jack I think you need to portray Dave a little more
strongly, especially since Jack likes one of the replicas too.
<Okay, I'm back after reading the whole story and I see why you included
this, but I still think you might want to put it in earlier, like in a
description of Dave's office that comes earlier int he piece.>
>
> "Jack, I'm real sorry to have to do this to to you." Jack's blood
rushed
> to his extremities. Tingling muscles. Shocked, he knew what was going
down.
> Slow motion. Flight or flight syndrome.
Forgive me if I'm wrong, but I got the sense here that you weren't quite
sure how to describe his feelings on discerning he's about to be canned, so
you've thrown a bunch of phrases against the wall, hoping that something
would stick <g>. I think you can do it better. And the last one, "flight
or flight syndrome" (you probably mean "fight or flight") seems a little
strong-- this is an adrenalin kind of response, a fight or wartime or trauma
reaction, to me. Is that really his intended response? To either run away
or fight? (Could make an interesting story though..... "You're fired."
"Good, 'cause I've always wanted to do THIS (Conk)." <g>)
>
> Dave wore a perfectly starched and pressed white dress shirt with a
royal
> blue necktie and matching kerchief in his pocket along with dark blue
trousers.
> Jack, and the rest of his fellow salesman, only had to wear blue polo
shirts
> with the Redwood Chevrolet logo on them. Guess Dave prefers the formal
look.
> Dave's hair was real short and what of it that was left was slicked back
to the
> point of almost defying the laws of physics. Jack had heard that Dave got
> haircuts every 3 days and Jack almost could believe it.
This physical description of their clothes was to me out of place and
something you might better weave into the story. It's sort of anticlimactic
especially after "fight or flight". Plus, you mix internal thoughts by Jack
with description in an way that could be confusing, and you are also
slipping into present tense from past "Guesss Dave prefers...").
>
> "Jack, you just aren't performing to the standards that we discussed
when
> we hired you." More tingling. Fear. Rent's due in 2 weeks. How can I
pay
> for it? Insurance, food, child support!
You are again sort of listing his thoughts in a way that I think you can do
better...hold our hand more... He felts and he thoughts might help.
>
> Dave's desk was in perfect order as usual. Most people's desks were
> cluttered messes, but Dave imposed a strict order on his personal space.
The
> desk itself only had 3 things on it: a PC monitor with 3 post-it notes
stuck to
> it, a Chevrolet desk calendar, and a huge porcelain mug with the Chevrolet
logo
> on it that served as a holder for his pens, pencils, and scissors.
>
> "Dave, what? I've only been here 3 months. My sales are picking up.
> Come on, you can't do this to me. I need this job. I have child support
for
> my daughter."
>
> Dave was a big guy and had played center for the Cal State --
Sacramento
> football team. He was 6'6" and 250 pounds, no fat whatsoever. Jack had
been
> bored to tears with various Dave sports stories over the past 3 months.
Sports
> just weren't important to a guy like Jack. Jack had his jazz albums and
CD's,
> his small original abstract art collection, and his passion for gourmet
> cooking. Jack thought himself superior to a lunkhead like Dave, albeit a
> successful lunkhead.
His thoughts here seem to come a little late in the game and while they let
us get to know Jack and Dave a little more, I'm still saying to myself,
where are we headed? Perhaps you could weave them in earlier.
>
> Dave pulled a manilla file folder from his filing cabinet and began
> looking at some printouts. "Jack, you aren't selling many units. Last
month,
> you only sold 4 units. 2 Cavaliers and 1 Tracker for less than retail.
The
> margin on those is razor thin as it is, and you sold them for less than
retail,
> so we made nothing on those units. Then you sold a used 1995 Buick Regal
for
> only $1,200 more than what we had in it. So last month you didn't even
sell
> enough to cover your $1,500 salary."
>
> "Dave, come on, I need another chance. Can I have another chance?
I'll
> observe Gary and see what he's doing that I'm not." More tingling, slight
> tightness in his chest, not too bad though. The shock was wearing away
and the
> truth was setting in.
What truth?
Well, I'm baffled by the ending, my friend. There is certainly irony in the
reference to Dave thinking Jack is more ethical, when Jack has just stolen
from him, but if that is your theme it's subtle because other clues told me
I'm supposed to like Jack and not like Dave. But Dave is saying some things
that make sense, like maybe the job is just not suitable for Jack, and he's
offering him severance which after three months I think is pretty generous
(I live in "at will" employment state where you can be fired from a job for
any legal reason, without notice, without necessity of severance, unless
there is a contractual obligation for it) -- so while I can understand
Jack's emotional state I also find him rather unsympathetic at the end.
Also I like the concept of undercoating and pinstriping being thigns that
don't matter but make money for the dealers -- but is that true?
Undercoating would seem to offer some value to the carbuyer, no?
Pinstriping I know is just vanity. But as "extras" you could have a concept
here that I'm just not getting because maybe I'm dense, or maybe you need to
make it less subtle.
In any case, I hope you won't take my comments harshly, please, because I
enjoyed reading this and my comments are offered only in the thought that
they might help; but if I've misunderstood your story idea I am sure I am
missing things here that would make me enjoy it even more.
Andrea
Egad
wondering what motivated you to write the story. I just don't 'get' the
story. Sorry.
Thanks for posting
Egad
"Jdl1139" <jdl...@aol.com> wrote in message
news:20030119000224...@mb-bg.aol.com...
Justin LaMar
No need to apologize. The story quite simply is just about a guy who
receives some bad news at work on a Monday morning. I wrote the story
because I find car dealerships interesting. I used to work in one. The
salesman are slick and cool on the outside but vulnerable inside and very
much pressured by the sales manager to produce and sell, sell. The story is
just a small slice of the life of a guy (the main character) who isn't a
highly paid professional, just a salesman. Some people simply don't find
things like this interesting.
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