The news you may have missed

[Jessica Billings]

BEYOND THE BELTWAY 1997
And You Thought Things Were Strange Here . . .

By Ken Ringle
Washington Post Staff Writer
Friday, December 26, 1997; Page D01

You say you've got a handle on the Asian
economic crisis and
the 1998 congressional races but remain
consumed by a feeling
of emptiness? And you learned more than you
wanted to this
year about the Mir space station and Princess
Diana but less
than you need to about the rest of the world?
Fear not. Here,
boiled down from wire dispatches, was the real
news of 1997.

Performance Art

OSLO -- A Norwegian court ruled that
beer-spitting members
of a faux-hillbilly band were engaging in
legitimate artistic
expression.

Hooray for Shrinks

APPLETON, Wis. -- A woman sued her former
psychiatrist
for malpractice, claiming he convinced her she
had 120
personalities -- and then charged her insurance
company for
group therapy.

Kosher Crocs

JERUSALEM -- The Supreme Court of Israel
declared
crocodile wrestling immoral.

Economic Squeeze

HANOI -- A drop in the price of python meat
caused
economic difficulties in Vietnam's southern
province of Ca
Mau.

Up the Regiment

NICOSIA, Cyprus -- British Royal Marines were
barred from
training on Cyprus after police found three of
them sitting
naked outside a pub singing "God Save the
Queen."

Death Breath

PERTH, Australia -- A man was convicted of
assault for
breathing on a police officer after chewing
garlic.

Short Shrift

LOS ANGELES -- The family of a deceased man
sued a
funeral home after discovering morticians had
shoehorned his
6-foot-9 body into a 6-foot-6 casket by burying
him with his
legs crossed.

Victoria's Secret

TOKYO -- A Japanese lingerie maker unveiled a
new line of
women's underwear made from recycled plastic
bottles.

Victor's Secret

HONG KONG -- A man was arrested for stealing
policewomen's underwear.

Animal Rites

TORONTO -- A man sought by police for holding a
Canada
goose hostage during a robbery was arrested on
charges of
threatening a raccoon.

Not the Same

ST. JOHN'S, Newfoundland -- Newfoundland's
fisheries
minister has called on Canadian author Farley
Mowat to
apologize to Jews for comparing the province's
seal hunt to the
Holocaust.

Pharaoh's Milkmaid

CAIRO -- French archaeologists excavating near
Cairo
discovered the tomb of Tutankhamen's wet nurse.

Floor Fight

PEORIA, Ill. -- A woman was charged with
attempted murder
for greasing her kitchen floor in an effort to
send her
one-legged boyfriend tumbling to his death.

Night Rave

LONDON -- A health conference cautioned
nightclubbers to
beware of "PVC bottom" -- severe chafing to the
skin caused
by tight plastic clothing worn without
underwear -- and
"clubber's nipple" -- caused by jumping up and
down for eight
hours in a nylon or string undershirt.

Bitter Rice

DURHAM, N.C. -- Walter Kempner, known as the
Rice Diet
doctor, admitted in depositions before his
death that he
whipped patients who strayed from his famous
diet.

Welcome to Florida

MIAMI -- Strangers burst into a funeral chapel
before dawn,
ejected the mourners and then started a
gunfight among
themselves.

Night Baseball?

MIAMI -- A survey showed Americans think sex
beats riding
the space shuttle or being president for a day,
but half the
population would rather go shopping.

Unconcealed Weapon

STOCKHOLM -- A man walked into two stores in
the
southern Swedish town of Kristianstad wearing a
large snake
around his neck and helped himself to goods
while the terrified
staff fled.

A Divine Evening

PHOENIX -- What's Tanya Tucker's dream night
out? "If I
could go to any concert, it would be Elvis!"
the country singer
told the Arizona Republic newspaper. "And I
would love to
spend an evening with Jesus."

Wedding Guest

CANBERRA, Australia -- A jilted woman took
revenge by
pouring cow manure over her former fiance's new
bride.

Enriched Learning (1)

DALLAS -- A book of African tales assigned to
promote
cultural diversity was removed from city
classrooms after irate
parents drew attention to a story called "The
Four Champions,"
in which four characters named for bodily
functions and male
genitals "set off on a journey together."

Say, Honey . . .

LONDON -- Doctors at the West London
Neurosciences
Center announced that something called
transient global
amnesia can make people forget their partner's
name during
sex.

Arts of the Times

LONDON -- An aristocratic
butcher-turned-sculptor with
connections to Britain's royal family was
charged with stealing
human body parts and using them in his art.

Humility Lives

LONDON -- A woman convinced that feminism has
gone too
far carried a cross from one end of Britain to
another in an
effort to encourage wives to be more
submissive.

Hollow Leg

NORTH CHARLESTON, S.C. -- A tenant being
evicted
stabbed his landlord and robbed him of $400
hidden in the
victim's prosthetic legs.

Live for Life

COLUMBIA, S.C. -- Callers to a toll-free
suicide prevention
line got a woman's voice promising "the
naughtiest girls
around."

One Splitting Headache

DETROIT -- An American Airlines flight made an
unscheduled
landing after a passenger said she needed an
aspirin so badly
she could kill someone.

Enriched Learning (2)

RIVERSIDE, Calif. -- A schoolteacher gave
students a math
test that required computing the street value
of cocaine as well
as a hit man's salary.

Mouse Hunting

ISSAQUAH, Wash. -- A man having problems with
his
personal computer was arrested after firing
four bullets into the
hard drive and one into the monitor.

Priorities of the '90s

TITUSVILLE, Fla. -- A mother was convicted of
child neglect
after leaving her toddler in a sweltering car
while she went
inside to watch "Beavis and Butt-head Do
America."

Big Winner

ATLANTIC CITY, N.J. -- A man posing as a doctor
rushed
to the aid of a gambler having a heart attack
and stole $30,000
in chips from his pockets.

In-the-Pink Flamingo

CHICAGO -- Doctors at the Lincoln Park Zoo
succeeded in
fitting what was believed to be the first
prosthetic leg ever
placed on a flamingo.

Greenhouse Effect

WELLINGTON, New Zealand -- Scientists launched
a study
to determine whether flatulent sheep are a
major contributor to
global warming.

Message From Heaven (1)

LONDON -- British Muslims hailed what was
described as a
"miracle message" from God written in Arabic
inside a tomato.

Message From Heaven (2)

GAUHATI, India -- Ten thousand pilgrims flocked
to a home
in northeast India where the words "Allah" and
"Muhammad"
miraculously appeared on a sliced potato.

Crash Test

PRATO, Italy -- An Italian woman won the job of
gravedigger
at a cemetery near Florence after all the male
candidates for
the post fainted while exhuming a corpse.

Thanks, Pam

ALBUQUERQUE -- Six inmates escaped from jail
after
creating a distraction by turning the cellblock
television set to
"Baywatch" while they cut through a metal wall.

Missing Member?

ACCRA, Ghana -- Mobs in Ghana's capital beat to
death two
men accused of snatching penises by witchcraft
in order to
extort cash in return for a cure.

Fast Food

TAMPA -- A man sued a restaurant chain,
claiming he had
found a condom in his sweet potato pie.

The Internet

CINCINNATI -- A woman described by police as an
Internet
addict was placed on two years' probation for
neglecting her
three children in favor of her home computer.

The Internet (2)

TOKYO -- A Buddhist temple in Hiroshima
announced plans
to open a "virtual graveyard" on the Internet.

Family Values

LOS ANGELES -- A 2-year-old was officially
declared an
orphan after the man who hired the surrogate
mother who
donated the egg that led to the child's birth
by artificial
insemination divorced his wife.

Courage of Crime

HADDON TOWNSHIP, N.J. -- A man accused of
robbing
two little girls' lemonade stand was arrested
and put behind
bars after he tried to snatch the purse of an
82-year-old
woman.

Crime Sucks

BRANFORD, Conn. -- A man was busted for trying
to hold
up a store with a Dustbuster.

Parts Is Parts

FORT LAUDERDALE, Fla. -- A woman was arrested
after
allegedly pelting her boyfriend with frozen
chicken legs, a
telephone and a circular saw.

Frogways

FROSTBURG, Md. -- A Frostburg State University
biologist
is rethinking golf course designs as part of a
U.S. Golf
Association research project designed to make
fairways more
friendly to frogs.

Legal Pursuits

MEMPHIS -- A lawyer sued his former partner,
accusing the
man of trying to run him out of the office by
oinking like a pig,
braying like a mule and yelling like a hyena.

Road Rage

WARSAW -- A cyclist angered by an overtaking
city bus
climbed aboard at the next stop and bit the
driver's genitals.

Buff Biker

STOCKHOLM -- Police arrested a naked
motorcyclist who
told them he was en route to a rival gang's
clubhouse and
wanted to make sure no one thought he had a
gun.

Strung Out

PHNOM PENH, Cambodia -- The world's longest
wash line
was constructed: a 3.7-mile line hung with
7,000 T-shirts
clipped by 22,000 clothespins.

Fund Cutoff

KUALA LUMPUR, Malaysia -- Malaysia's minister
of
culture, arts and tourism suggested mass
circumcision
ceremonies be promoted to attract tourists.

Bingo!

MILWAUKEE -- A 73-year-old woman sued a church
for
$90,000 after an electronic bingo scoreboard
fell on her head,
causing her, she said, to become attracted to
other women and
have spontaneous orgasms.

Too Much to Bear

BANGKOK -- Animal-loving masseuses in a massage
parlor
ponied up 20,000 baht ($444) to save a pet bear
named
Harem from the hot pot at a Korean restaurant,
where his
owner had sold him for food.

Semper Bi

ATLANTA -- The FBI was hunting a woman who had
four
husbands at the same time and who deserted from
the Marine
Corps nearly 30 years ago while still a man.

Crude Crullers

NASHUA, N.H. -- A woman who brought breakfast
to some
co-workers is suing a doughnut shop, claiming
her box of
baked goods contained a dozen shaped to look
like male
genitalia.

© Copyright 1997 The Washington Post
Company