E-text book V chapter 6
Carl Blondin
day I was supposed to catch up on chapters, and I have no idea how to
download ng messages without a mouse... As for the chapter, all I can
say is that I did my best with all the plot twists that occured lately,
and if someone doesn't like it, well... sucks to be them, I like what I
did. If you have any criticism, feel free to say it, and if you like it
the same applies. By the way I know I'm not great at writting, but
Ihope you at least like the ideas and that O's editing will improve the
text before it goes on the web page.
Carl
The Battle of the Cowboy's Field
As the alarm sounded, the Lord of the Nasdaq looked at his watch,
profered an innapropriate expletive for a kid's amusement park and ran
out the gate again, muttering something about being late for his lecture
on the arts in war. Seeing this, Gandalf went back to "cheering" the
defenders with his peddler's trick. His real purpose was of course to
steal their purse while their concentration was elsewhere since he
absolutely
hates to pick money off a dead corpse, he always tries to do it before
they die.
Going back in time a bit, lets look at what really happened before
HeyHoDen sounded his horns. As HeyHoDen was galloping towards Minas
Tirith(tm), his army of seven acrobatic dwarves insisted on making a
small detour by their house which was close by. When they got there,
they
went in and left a message that reads as follow: "Snow white, we have
gone to help HeyHoDen defend Minas Tirith(tm), as soon as you come back
home with your Prince Charming, could you send him along with his army
to give us a hand, thank you." After this small interlude, they
continued their dash towards the battle field, to find it all aflame,
and they figured that no one had heard their horns since none stopped
to great them. At this, HeyHoDen felt that his special greeting for
Aragon was defenitly deserved. His whole plan rested on Gondor(tm)
beleiving him to come as an ally and letting him trough the ticket
booth. Once inside, he could safely prepare a greeting for Aragon that
he would remember for the rest of his days, since his days would
scarcely exceed his entrance into Minas Tirith(tm).
As he was riding hard for the gate, HeyHoDen came by all nine Nasdaq.
They were intently listening to he who appeared to be their leader by
his girth, he was rambling on about something but the words art and war
kept coming up pretty often. While he talked he kept on pointing at
different parts of the battle field and the fortifications. When
HeyHoden was level with them he clearly heard him say "break time" and
next
thing he knew, they were all signing and clapping rythmically while
one of their number danced jerkilly, which brought them all, including
HeyHoden, into fits of laughter, and a weird state of phisical
attraction for them. Sadly for him, HeyHoden learnt that one should not
laugh histerically or look to the side for too long while riding as he
topled and his
mount fell on him. His wounds were so extensive that he had but a few
minutes of life left. Close behind him, Dirthead tried to reach him
while he was still alive, but the chief Nasdaq was in her way. When he
saw her he yelled" You may not pass, we are on a class field trip and
have priority, you have to let us pass!" This led to a long winded
bickering match on who would pass first. The hissy fight was settled in
the following fashion: "No man as small as you may force me to go
against the rules of courtesy!", Dirthead removed his helmet and
answered "but I am no man, I am Eowynifred" and she nibly dodged around
the huge girth of the Nasdaq to attack him with her secret weapon. When
she reached the back of him,
she grabed onto his underwear, yanked them up and shouted
"WEDGIIIIIII!". At the same time, Otto ,who had fallen off the Harley,
was picking up a sword to inefectively defend himself, but the great
girht of the Nasdaq had caused the wedgi to have more effect and he
stumbled forwards and unto the blade which Otto was holding up. It
stabed him straight in the heart and he died instantly. Try as he might
afterwards, Otto could never find his blade again amist all the folds on
the Nasdaq's stomach. Seeing their teacher fall in such a way, the rest
of the Nasdaq fled in despair. Arguing over who had killed the the
Nasdaq (they both had good arguments, one being the bearer of the
weapon, and the other having gotten the Nasdaq to fall), Otto and
Eowynifred decided to settle the matter with a fist fight. To their
future
despair, they both managed to knock the other unconscious, so to this
day this feud hasn't been settled.
As all of this happened, Eonard realized he had been left alone on
the battle field, and tried to find his "army". He did
find them, but HeyHoDen was almost dead and the other two were already
unconscious. He went to see his father whom made him swear to kill
Aragon at the first occasion he could find to make it passs as an
accident. Eonard swore and asked his dying father whether he could do
anything to ease
his last moments at which he replied: "The only thing which would make
me happy is if you found a way to make this death fake, or resurect me
(which is quite plausible in this story) so that I may retired at an
old folks complex, much like the one we passed on our way here...." and
then he died. As he saw the seven dwarves weep for the late king,
Eonard
told then not to weep for now Rohan had a strong king, and he would not
have left those pigs desert them, he would have chained them and drag
them behind Harleys to get them to respect his might. "But no more
fretting, he said, let us join this fray once more to find Aragon" So
he
left, too happy to be king to care for his safety, and did not see Otto
wake up. He woke up and groggily brought Eowynifred to the city ticket
booth, paid the exhorbitant entrance fee, and draged her to the
infirmary; he really wanted to know how to ride like her. If he was
going to take over
Morrie's drug cartel, he had to have an awe inspiring skill like this
one.
As the men of Gondor(tm), who by then were totally demoralized by
Gandalf's lame tricks, saw Eonard fight, they were inspired to perform
deeds of glory. They aranged a sortie with the cowboys of the Pelennor,
and started circling the students of Mordor. To their dismay, they
found out that the graduates and men with black feet and white hands had
been kept as reserves by the late rector of Mordor university. His vice
rector seeing the turn of events decided to send them in, so that they
in
turn started circling the cowboys, but they were obviously going in
the opposite direction as the cowboys were. From far off on the Anduin,
Aragon's party was rowing up the the river on a barge, their number was
the same as when they entered the Paths of the Living plus one goofy
looking character. However, the currnet being as it was, and they having
only two paddles, they had a hard time getting there. But Aragon was
rejoicing, he had
read all of Goscinny's books, and he knew how to win the fight
considering the
twist it had taken. He only hoped that Jolly Jumper (his mumakil) would
be up to the task. After approximatly 1 hours of rowing, or circling
depending on who you consider, the fight was ended, the cowboys
misteriously turned out victorious, the Mordor students were fleeing,
many of
whom were planned on complaining to the Student Society of Mordor
University (SSMU) for the low quality of their frosh week, and Aragon's
barge reached the shore. Seeing a group of five students who seemingly
wanted to steal their raft, Aragon directed his meager force into a
defensive position, and coordanated the defense from a safe distance
behind his men. As the last orc died, he rushed towards it and made
sure to be splatered with blood, that way he could pretend to have been
in the heat of the battle. At the same time as the barge reached shore,
Eonard directed his stead at full speed towards the barge, hoping to
reach it on time to pretend a fumble at the same time as he killed
Aragon. Sadly, he reached the shore 30 seconds after the last orc died
and his plan fell to shambles, his only option was to pretend to be
happy to see Aragon again. And Aragon was only to happy to explain to
how he had played a crucial part in the fight, and he had a briuse
(which he got the last time Jolly Jumper toppled under his weight), and
blood all over him (which he poured himself).
Öjevind Lång
>Sorry if it's been late in the coming, but I had a mouse mishap on the
>day I was supposed to catch up on chapters, and I have no idea how to
>download ng messages without a mouse... As for the chapter, all I can
>say is that I did my best with all the plot twists that occured lately,
>and if someone doesn't like it, well... sucks to be them, I like what I
>did. If you have any criticism, feel free to say it, and if you like it
>the same applies. By the way I know I'm not great at writting, but
>I hope you at least like the ideas and that O's editing will improve the
>text before it goes on the web page.
Why, thanks for the confidence! Apart from minor linguistic corrections, all
I really feel a need to do is find an explanation for why Sitting Bull did
not turn up with the rest of HeyHoDen's army. Did he leave in disgust when
he saw the cowboys from the Pelennor Fields? (I could add a passage to that
effect.)
[snip]
>As the men of Gondor(tm), who by then were totally demoralized by
>Gandalf's lame tricks, saw Eonard fight, they were inspired to perform
>deeds of glory. They aranged a sortie with the cowboys of the Pelennor,
>and started circling the students of Mordor. To their dismay, they
>found out that the graduates and men with black feet and white hands had
>been kept as reserves by the late rector of Mordor university.
Who are the man with black feet and white hands? Some particularly nasty
kind of academic?
>His vice rector seeing the turn of events decided to send them in, so that
they
>in turn started circling the cowboys, but they were obviously going in
>the opposite direction as the cowboys were.
LOL - that is the true Lucky Luke touch!
> From far off on the Anduin,
>Aragon's party was rowing up the the river on a barge, their number was
>the same as when they entered the Paths of the Living plus one goofy
>looking character. However, the currnet being as it was, and they having
>only two paddles, they had a hard time getting there.
I see that the trend started by Steuard to let the battles be fought with a
minimum of personnel (apart from the hordes of Mordor, of course) is still
in effect. Though perhaps Prince Charming will turn up with his army in a
later chapter?
> But Aragon was
>rejoicing, he had
>read all of Goscinny's books, and he knew how to win the fight
>considering the
>twist it had taken. He only hoped that Jolly Jumper (his mumakil) would
>be up to the task.
At first, I thought you intended for Aragon to fight in the style of Obelix:
hitting his opponents with his big stomach so they bounce off in all
directions. However, considering that you have changed the mūmak's name from
Babar to Jolly Jumper, perhaps you mean that the mūmak simply eliminates
enemies by jumping up and down on them? That thought gave me a very vivid
vision of a Monty Python animation.
>After approximatly 1 hours of rowing, or circling
>depending on who you consider, the fight was ended, the cowboys
>misteriously turned out victorious, the Mordor students were fleeing,
>many of
>whom were planned on complaining to the Student Society of Mordor
>University (SSMU) for the low quality of their frosh week,
"Not much fun in Tirithgrad..."
[snip]
Thank you for a funny chapter! :-) The plot thickens, and so does Aragon.
Öjevind
J. Makela
Okay, this is now officially driving me nuts.
The URL I have for the E-text stops at book V, chapter 1.
(flyingmoose.org/tolksarc/book/book.htm)
Has the *most current* E-text moved somewhere else, or are books 2-6 yet to
be uploaded to this particular website?
Thanks!
Jason
--
Email replies may be directed to: mistrowl at yahoo dot com
Carl Blondin
"Öjevind Lång" wrote:
>
> Carl Blondin wrote:
>
> >Sorry if it's been late in the coming, but I had a mouse mishap on the
> >day I was supposed to catch up on chapters, and I have no idea how to
> >download ng messages without a mouse... As for the chapter, all I can
> >say is that I did my best with all the plot twists that occured lately,
> >and if someone doesn't like it, well... sucks to be them, I like what I
> >did. If you have any criticism, feel free to say it, and if you like it
> >the same applies. By the way I know I'm not great at writting, but
> >I hope you at least like the ideas and that O's editing will improve the
> >text before it goes on the web page.
>
> Why, thanks for the confidence! Apart from minor linguistic corrections, all
> I really feel a need to do is find an explanation for why Sitting Bull did
> not turn up with the rest of HeyHoDen's army. Did he leave in disgust when
> he saw the cowboys from the Pelennor Fields? (I could add a passage to that
> effect.)
Isn't that the fun of this project though?
>
> [snip]
>
> >As the men of Gondor(tm), who by then were totally demoralized by
> >Gandalf's lame tricks, saw Eonard fight, they were inspired to perform
> >deeds of glory. They aranged a sortie with the cowboys of the Pelennor,
> >and started circling the students of Mordor. To their dismay, they
> >found out that the graduates and men with black feet and white hands had
> >been kept as reserves by the late rector of Mordor university.
>
> Who are the man with black feet and white hands? Some particularly nasty
> kind of academic?
That is for someone else to elucidate, I had to put ina reference to
Tolkien's extensive description of the foes of Gondor in somewhere.
>
> >His vice rector seeing the turn of events decided to send them in, so that
> they
> >in turn started circling the cowboys, but they were obviously going in
> >the opposite direction as the cowboys were.
>
> LOL - that is the true Lucky Luke touch!
>
> > From far off on the Anduin,
> >Aragon's party was rowing up the the river on a barge, their number was
> >the same as when they entered the Paths of the Living plus one goofy
> >looking character. However, the currnet being as it was, and they having
> >only two paddles, they had a hard time getting there.
>
> I see that the trend started by Steuard to let the battles be fought with a
> minimum of personnel (apart from the hordes of Mordor, of course) is still
> in effect. Though perhaps Prince Charming will turn up with his army in a
> later chapter?
I have no control over this, but I figured he'd take up the part of the
cavalry.
>
> > But Aragon was
> >rejoicing, he had
> >read all of Goscinny's books, and he knew how to win the fight
> >considering the
> >twist it had taken. He only hoped that Jolly Jumper (his mumakil) would
> >be up to the task.
>
> At first, I thought you intended for Aragon to fight in the style of Obelix:
> hitting his opponents with his big stomach so they bounce off in all
> directions. However, considering that you have changed the mûmak's name from
> Babar to Jolly Jumper, perhaps you mean that the mûmak simply eliminates
> enemies by jumping up and down on them? That thought gave me a very vivid
> vision of a Monty Python animation.
Well, I forgot about the earlier name, but it doesn't say if he renamed
it or not during his passage through the paths of the living, maybe he
didn't like Babar? But I gave the name Jolly Jumper considering
Aragon's favorite scifi author (I hope I have the name right, I couldn't
get my hands on a book and I honestly forgot to check the net... oups)
>
> [snip]
>
> Thank you for a funny chapter! :-) The plot thickens, and so does Aragon.
You are very welcomed!
Carl
Steuard Jensen
<B7EA20AC.1C40D%spam...@alltimes.com>:
>
> The URL I have for the E-text stops at book V, chapter 1.
> (flyingmoose.org/tolksarc/book/book.htm)
>
> Has the *most current* E-text moved somewhere else, or are books 2-6
> yet to be uploaded to this particular website?
Our noble O. Sharp has, I think, been quite busy with Real Life for
some time, and it looks like he hasn't had a chance to update the
site. The address you have _is_ the "official" E-text site, but you
may want to take a look at my "administrative" pages instead. In
addition to, well, administrative stuff, I've got the original text
files as posted to Usenet, and that list _is_ up to date. The address
is
http://tolkien.slimy.com/etext/
and specifically,
http://tolkien.slimy.com/etext/EtextChps.html
You'll want to follow the "text file" links given after each chapter.
Steuard Jensen
J. Makela
sbje...@midway.uchicago.edu wrote on 10/10/01 9:54 PM:
[total snippage]
Thanks much for the info Steuard, I appreciate the effort all of you have
put into this... I just hate to miss any of it. Kudos!
Have a good'n
Jabba
nice chapter, and as much a mess compared to the original as I did
ever see.The plots seem hard to link together now at the end,
though.I'll have to re-read the whole crap(including mine) when it's
ready, to get a final impression.
By the way, can you see the day when we will have our own devoted fans
and our own devoted newsgroup, something like alt.fan.alt.tolkien or
even an rec.arts.books.lordofwhatever...and the scholars will wonder
and ask and debate things like
"why Sitting Bull did
not turn up with the rest of HeyHoDen's army. Did he leave in disgust
when
he saw the cowboys from the Pelennor Fields? "
"What is the symbolism of Frodo being killed so many times?"
"What was the origin of the students of Mordor?"
"How fat was Aragon after all?"
"Who is your favorite character (beside Arwen)?"
"Was the Nasdaq really that easy to put down?"
and an alt.Steuard.Jensen will direct them to a meticulously
constructed FAQ while alt.Softrat and alt.Bingo Bracegirdle will play
cruel jokes on them.
'Cause I don't see that day any closer ...:-)
Jabba
Carl Blondin <carl.b...@sympatico.ca> wrote in message news:<3BC4D5DD...@sympatico.ca>...
Carl Blondin
Jabba wrote:
>
> Heh,
> nice chapter, and as much a mess compared to the original as I did
> ever see.The plots seem hard to link together now at the end,
> though.I'll have to re-read the whole crap(including mine) when it's
> ready, to get a final impression.
>
I personnally think that none of us can really forsee the end of it
all...
>
> By the way, can you see the day when we will have our own devoted fans
> and our own devoted newsgroup, something like alt.fan.alt.tolkien or
> even an rec.arts.books.lordofwhatever...and the scholars will wonder
> and ask and debate things like
This is a scary yet appealing thought...
Carl
Count Menelvagor
> http://tolkien.slimy.com/etext/
>
> and specifically,
>
> http://tolkien.slimy.com/etext/EtextChps.html
BTW, I think the chapters in Book VI haven't been updated yet? (Not
that there's any rush, particualrly ...)
Count Menelvagor
money of off a corpse (maybe he's not so evil after all), and
Théoden's (HeyHoden's, sory) death speech (lol), also the Leechking's
lecture in which the words art and war came up a lot.
I thought at first that the guys with white hands might be soem weird
Disney thing (gloves and all that), but I guess that doesn't make
sense, unless soem Gondorians(tm) are in the employ of Mordor or
soemthing ...
I am a little puzzled that eople seem to be so respectful of the
Otto-conception, when the author who cam eup with that hadn't even
read most of the e-text ... but that's the way it is ...
William H. Hsu
>Heh,
> nice chapter, and as much a mess compared to the original as I did
>ever see.The plots seem hard to link together now at the end,
>though.I'll have to re-read the whole crap(including mine) when it's
>ready, to get a final impression.
>
>By the way, can you see the day when we will have our own devoted fans
>and our own devoted newsgroup, something like alt.fan.alt.tolkien or
>even an rec.arts.books.lordofwhatever...and the scholars will wonder
>and ask and debate things like
>"why Sitting Bull did not turn up with the rest of HeyHoDen's army.
> Did he leave in disgust when he saw the cowboys from the Pelennor Fields?"
>"What is the symbolism of Frodo being killed so many times?"
>"What was the origin of the students of Mordor?"
>"How fat was Aragon after all?"
>"Who is your favorite character (beside Arwen)?"
>"Was the Nasdaq really that easy to put down?"
Don't forget
- Boromir (tm) as a sacred figure with all his resurrections
- evocative experiences in the lives of O. Sharp, Ojevind Lang,
Menelvagor, etc. that led to the creation of Lustianne,
Shelob, Spiegel, Miniwethil (oh, wait, um. nermine)...
- Gandalf and the nature of charismatic evil
- Aruman and the themes of sacrifice and rebirth
- the backstory of the First Age
(we ARE going to go on to the Slipcastilian, nesupasu?)
> and an alt.Steuard.Jensen will direct them to a meticulously
>constructed FAQ while alt.Softrat and alt.Bingo Bracegirdle will play
>cruel jokes on them.
That's rec.arts.etexts.tolkien and alt.fan.steuard-jensen.
Come to think of it, we can start alt.teunc.choklit wright now, if
you like.
> 'Cause I don't see that day any closer ...:-)
>Jabba
I would like to see Aragon go on a crash diet in preparation
for his wedding. Wreally. One of those "Lose 20 stone by 22 Jun 3019"
Internet diets, even!
--
Banazir
one does knot simply wobble into Mordor