E-TEXT VI.1
Count Menelvagor
times, before approaching the catual cahpter (which is much less
important, nazwaz). For this preface was written with the blood of my
heart, and represents my mostly deeply held beliefs about philosophy,
art, life, and indeed being.
This chapter grew in the telling, until it encompassed almost the
entire history of Muddle-earth ... no wait, that was my last chapter.
Nazwaz: One or two very brief comments, more for the sake of form than
naything else. I made Gullible the Ringbearer and Gandalf's agent, as
I figured Sam was unreliable, because he wouldn't continue to believe
in the stuff about Mt. Viagra just because Gandalf said so. It is
clear now that dropping the Ring into Mt. Viagra will not necessarily
in fact lead to the triumph of good, but rather the contrary: the
victory of the evil Gandalf (whom I would not necessarily write off,
yet).
Some titles mentioned in the later part of the chapter are from actual
MLA papers, though I had trouble finding anything off the wall enough:
most MLA papers were appallingly normal.
I thank Meneldil, Tamfiiris, Öjevind Lång, William H. Hsu, Darth
Arwen, the Lyttle Lytton Contest, and RJR Trolkein for their
involuntary contributions to this chapter.
I have not followed the rage for killing off major characters ...:-]
Compared to the wild and crazy stuff going on in Book V, I fear some
may find this cahpter almost boringly low-key and normal.:-] But I
hope you enjoz it nazwaz.
But future usenetniks will debate why Frodo didn't take one of those
things the Nazdaq are flying on to Mt. Doom, and thus prevent the Ring
from being destroyed -- or use his toon powers …
***
Sam roused himself painfully, but the less said about that, the
better. Unable to proceed without falling into the chasm at his feet,
he had stood around for a while in a rêverie, into which, not
unnaturally, thoughts of wogah (specifically, of Spiegel) had
intruded. His earlier indifference to Spiegel's loss had been the
result of the shock of having been kidnapped, and confusion as to
whether he was a true proletarian hobbit, or the heir of Isildur -- or
both. But now that the shock and confusion were past, his earlier
affection for Spiegel renewed itself within his heart.
"Who kens what indoctrinations and postmodern tortures she is now
bein' subjected tae!" thought Sam. "She must be freed from Sauron's
grip. Aye, I shall rescue Spiegel, and then tak the Ring to Mt.
Viagra, or me name ain't Vladimir Ilyich Lenindil!" (Vladimir Ilyich
was his name in Westron; and he liked the name Lenindil, despite his
doubts whether he was indeed, as Sauron claimed, the heir of Isildur.)
After he was done getting roused, another thought occurred to him:
while rescuing Spiegel, he could also get hold of Frodo and make that
little rat suffer for the "armchair revolutionary" insult -- by
making the oppressor an instrument of the Revolution.
Meanwhile, Gullible had moved a little out of earshot and taken a
walkie-talkie out of his bag. "Agent 007 to Fat Lord," he said.
"Situation excellent, preciouss. S has the R and is determined to do
the needful with it. Please alert our contactses. Deliverance from
Nassty is at hand. Nassty will pay for calling us a narrative
irrelevancy, ssaddam. Over and out." He returned to Sam, and smiled
in a suitably servile manner. "Has hobbit decided what to do yet?" he
grovelled.
"Yes," said Sam. "I must rescue Spiegel before destroying the Ring.
But I have nae idea how to do either. It doesn't look as we'll get no
further."
"Before we fleeds, Don Giovanni heard nasties say something about
going to the Tower of Cirith Undies. To get there, we need to get to
Lithlad Station and take the Subway."
Sam gazed at the abyss at his feet. In the background, in the lovely
ersatz chalet of Cirith Iodel, he heard an exquisite soprano warbling:
/DOR! A land, an Orkish land! .
RHÎ! A crown for royal dude!
MIR! A jewel I hold in hand!
FA! I'd tell you, but it's rude!
SÛL! It's Sindarin for wind!
LANG! A cutlass or a sword!
DÎ! A bride with Sauron sinned!
And that brings us to Mor-DOR, DOR .../
A gunshot echoed in the mountains, and the song abruptly ceased. And
hard and cruel and bitter was the parking lot that met Sam's gaze.
"This is where the suburbanites leave their cars so they can use
public transit ssysstem," explained the Don. "Border between Mordor
and Gondor(tm) heavily congessted with traffic, yes it is. Lots of
people moving to Mordor; very chic, precious, very chic. One day all
peoples will be inside, if we don't desstroy nassty Ring."
"Doesn't look very chic, with all this asphalt," said Sam. "I reckon
Mordor is lowbrow after all."
"It'ss a parking lot," said Gullible. "Were you expecting
Corinthian, preciouss?"
"Weell, cultured or not, we've got to get down there somehow,"
observed Sam brilliantly. "I suppose this is where we use me rope?"
"No, let'ss ssave that for nassty ssarcasstic hobbit," said Gullible.
"We'll take elevator instead."
"What elevator?" inquired Sam.
"Follow uss," replied Gullible.
Gullible led Sam back into the alpine countryside. The hobbits came
to a stop at a linden tree; Gullible pulled one of the branches off,
and a hidden door opened, through which the hobbits boarded the
elevator.
"We'll go down to level C, and there we'll head south to Lithlad
Station," said Gullible, pushing a button. "A long walk, preciouss.
Many carss. Some grim and evilses, some noble and sssad. Many proud
and fair, with crown in their ssilver hoodses. But all stinking, all
rotten, all emitting carbon monoxide. A fell gleam isss in their
headlightsss. /Saddam/. We musst be very careful," he added, "or
drug lordss will shoot us. Lucky thing hobbit met Don Giovanni, acos
Don knowss drug lordses and can protect sstu... sensible hobbit."
The elevator stopped, and the hobbits got out. Now began the worst
part of Sam's journey, compared to which the scaling of Mount Viagra
was as a picnic in Woody End Park in the Shire. Cars upon cars
lowered before his horror-stricken gaze. At first he looked with
interest at the licence plates and bumper stickers: "I Break for
Winged Balrogs," "I <heart> Minas Epcot," "If Rings of Power were
Outlawed, Only Outlaws would have Rings of Power," "It's a Troll
Thing; You Wouldn't Understand," "The White Council Is Racist," along
with more refined sentiments, such as, "Maria Khallas Kicks Tebaldi's
Rear End," "Empower the Periphery through the Deconstruction of Power
Structures," and "Who Would Conquer the World, Must First Get the Ring
of Wogah" -- to say nothing of totally obscure items like "The Nature
of Being Is Psotting to TEUNC," "Bha, I Walays Tyope My Repeats,"
"/Bother/, said Pooh. /Some Stupid Halfwitt Has the Ring!/,"and "I Moo
for Dwagins." But after a while, the cold deadening monotony of
passing car after car after car, in an asphalt desert where horses had
no names, almost overwhelmed him. Nor did the eerie shapes he saw out
of the corner of his eye contracting various illicit-looking deals and
occasionally shooting each other do anything to increase his
confidence.
"Gullible," he said eventually, "are we mostways there yet?"
"We makess good progress," said Gullible. "We have finished Straight
Lot. Now we come to Winding Lot."
Sam was thoughtful for a moment. "When we get tae the Subway, they'll
know at once that we're no from around here," he said. "Maybe we
should have stopped at the Mall of Gorgoroth and bought us some
Orc-gear like that toff Gorbush had. As we're in Mordor, we'd better
dress in Mordor-fashion; and anyway there isn't nae choice."
"Don Giovanni came prepared for that, /ssaddam/," said Gullible.
"Look!"
He took a bundle out of his pack and opened it. Sam looked in
disgust at the contents, but there was nothing for it: he had to put
the things on, or go naked, and even Kinko wasn't into exhibionism.
(Wlokay, he could have gone on wearing his own clothes, but he'd lost
most of them when the party was attacked, and his current outfit
needed a rendez-vous with a washing-machine -- badly.) There were
long slacks of some unclean polyester-fell, and a vest of expensive
leather. Over a white cotton tunic went a tie of stout ring-mail, too
long for Sam and heavy. The Don had also brought several Orc-helmets,
that in the Black Speech hight /fedoras/.
Having disguised themselves as best they could, they set out again.
The journey through the Winding Lot was much like that through the
Straight Lot, except that their route sloped gradually downwards, in a
sort of spiral. Finally, when Sam thought he would scream if he saw
another Mordcedes-Lurtz, Khadillak of Harad, Shevrolugbúrz,
Orcsmobile, or Ford of Isen -- to say nothing of the Nazdas,
Elfbusters, Torogas, Valaraukor, Gondas, Sangahyundaes, Orcuras, Nasty
Green Slimy Beasties, Ancalagons, Smaug-guzzlers, Nissis, and Thûbarus
-- they came to an end of the cars, and beheld a glass wall, and a
glass door in the midmost thereof, and over the door was carven the
word: /Subway/. And they rejoiced at the sight and were glad.
Three eras had passed in the history of Mordor's public transit
system. In the Dark Years during the Second Age, Sauron and Mini had
created an efficient Eagle Express system. But after the loss of the
Ring, the Eagles got uppity and services declined, so Sauron created
an underground railway system that was the wonder of the world, with
fast and clean vehicles and sumptuously elegant stations. In the
latter years of the Third Age, however, budget cuts in transportation
had changed all this -- although there is no denying that some of the
older stations retained a dishevelled dryad loveliness. But the system
was showing its age and tending to a certain greyish monotony, despite
Sauron's attempts at inexpensive beautification through paintings and
sculptures by various avant-garde artists. The trains no longer ran
as frequently as they had aforetime -- especially on weekends -- for
budget cuts had impaired services. It didn't help matters that the
stations near the Western border were the abode of drug-traffickers
and other nasties, for the mind of Sauron was too often elsewhere in
these latter days (elsewhere being primarily various portions of
Shelob's anatomy).
The hobbits mastered their fears and entered the station, taking a
glass elevator downstairs to the main lobby, where they stood in line
for twenty minutes or so at the booth, behind several snooty Orcs,
mischievous Trolls, and fascinatingly witty Balrogs. While they
waited, Gullible explained their route.
"We need to take /ungwë/ train to 42nd Ssstreet, which the Orcs call
Mishkoltz, preciouss," he said. "Long ride and out of our way, but no
other way to make the connection, because the Northeast-bound
/ngwalmë/ doesn't run on weekends; doing nassty and inconvenient
consstruction work, the Orcses are. /Ungwë/ train takess uss to Canal
Street, at ssouthern corner of Lithlad Station. There we get on
/ssilmë nuquerna/, which goess to 161st Street, the northern corner of
Lithlad. There we need to get on /quessë/ and take it to Cirith
Undies. Very crowded at Cirith Undies; lots of outdoor opera
performances there, yess lotss. They hurts our ears, my poor little
ears."
"Ye mean there are trains runnin' /inside/ the train station?"
blurted Sam, startled.
"Yes, ssaddam," replied Gullible. "Big station. Orcses and stuff
musst gets through somehow. This is the only way."
"But why is the station so huge?" asked Sam.
"Acos Sauron got carried away with his building craze and didn't know
where to sstop, the basse masster of treachery ... /saddam/."
Gullible said nothing about the corrupt building schemes in which
Sauron's evil twin Saurtre had been engaged, before he finally ran off
and joined the narco-terrorists for a lark; for no one learned of that
until Mordor's secret archives were made available to historians in
after days.
"Wow, Gullible, ye really /are/ an expert!" cried Sam.
"Comess with the job, precciouss," said Gullible, patting himself on
the back.
At this point they finally found themselves at the head of the line.
"Where ya goin'?" asked the guy in the booth.
"Cirith Undies," said Gullible.
"6 flokarinos," said the guy. Gullible put his head close to the
window-pane and whispered something that Sam couldn't hear; but the
guard became almost polite and handed Gullible two tokens with winged
speed. The hobbits passed through a turnstile to the platform, where
several surly Orcs and other denizens of the Land of Shadow and High
Culture, mostly in uniform, stood around, waiting for the dilatory
/ungwë/ to wend its way thither.
While waiting, Sam tried to listen to the locals, but couldn't hear
much, as no one spoke above a whisper. He did hear bits and pieces
like "situation in Ethelien's getting worse," "even in Dor Remi," "the
Big Bosses, even the Biggest, can make mistakes," "something almost
slipped," "too lax," and "curse the Gondorians!" Even the
Lurtzafarians seemed to be rather down …
***
Finally, the train arrived. There is little to tell about their
journey, for monotonous is the public transit in the Land of
Chiaroscuro Lighting Effects. They were in a land of darkness where
the days of the world seemed forgotten, and where all who entered were
forgotten too. Oft and anon the trains would stop between stations,
or would suddenly start going in the exact opposite direction to that
in which they were supposed to go.
"Come on, you miserable sluggard!" growled Sam, after the /quesse/
train had stalled for 45 minutes. "Now for it!" Out westward in the
world it was drawing near noon upon the seventeenth day of March in
the Shire-reckoning, and even now Gandalf was smothering (or almost)
Paragraph Took, shooting Ariellë, pretending to murder Dr. Faramir,
and trasking and burning Denethor(tm) and Co.; Otto was incinerating
Morrie (or so everyone thought, although it turned out later that the
incinerator was really a transporter); I suppose we should be glad
that Sam didn't get liquidated and replaced by some colourless slob
named Blotto; Aragon was bringing Boromir(tm) back to life and turning
him into the splitting image of the ancient king Wupdidu and killing
him again by accident; the indestructible Steward(tm)'s heir was
being brought back to life by Ariellë -- who withal was altering
Arwen's sexual identity (but brief was that amour) -- and then killed
again by Gandalf and then coming back to life, revealed as a true
toon; El Rond was, very likely, being poisoned by a disgruntled chef;
and I would not be surprised if some nasty little computer gremlins
had somehow annihilated all the Valar (come on, can I at least kill
off Tolkas? I never liked the guy), and if Eru had brought them back
from the dead with all deliberate speed. At one point, tachyon
particles wiped out all life, but fortunately Captain Picard saved the
day by going back in time, etc., etc., etc.. Yet amid all their cares
and fear and premature deaths and resurrections, the thoughts of their
friends (and enemies) turned constantly to Frodo and Sam (and
occasionally to Gullible). They were not forgotten. But they were
conveniently beyond aid, and no thought could bring any help to
Samwise, Hamfast's son and Don Giovanni Tenorio the Gullible; they
were utterly alone. For their purpose was to serve as fall guys, so
that Gandalf and the leaders of the West could maintain a plausible
deniability, if the mission went agley. (Although Gandalf's
deniability was getting less plausible with each enormity he
committed.)
As they waited for the train to get moving again, Sam mulled over the
events of the last few days. "I'm sair confuzzled, and that's a
fact," he thought. "It's me eternally self-doubting side a-comin' oot
again." He recalled Google Junction: the billboards and one-hour
motels uncounted, the gas wars, the commercialism, the remakes of
/Flipper/ and /Mr. Ed/, the boring conferences; he remembered the neon
glitz of Shelob's nightclub. And yet, Sauron had subjected the hobbits
to opera and other classical music stuff in an appallingly ornamental
setting; and had, moreover, conveyed a certain
/deconstructionishness/. Was it possible that more than one cultural
level existed in the Black Land, that everything in it was not of one
boring, stereotypical, cartoon-evil piece? To get an idea of what
Mordorian culture was like, Sam looked at the ads that embellished the
train's interior. Obviously, this question was much more important
than the boringly practical one of how he was supposed to get to Mt.
Viagra and destroy the Ring without being killed. But it was not easy
to get an answer. Much poetry he beheld, most of it by Gorbush, the
very same who had wogahed Spiegel from his arms. A fairly typical one
read:
gondor(tm) narconasties
wouldn't you know it?
losers!
And another:
lady hobbit she's really sexy
wogah wogah did you say? yep
~&~
But right next to this somewhat arcane stuff, Sam saw an advertisement
for Koorsthak Lite, and next to that, a painting of a can of
Kampbelghurghak's Soup by Andy Orchol, provocatively captioned "Is It
Art?" Thereafter came a painting of giant watches by Salvad-dûr Dalrog
... Sam's eyes began to glaze over, barely taking in the ad for
/Hustler/ that followed. As he pondered the matter, Sam came to a
fearful realization: In the postmodern bizarrerie of the Mordor
aesthetic, pop kitsch and highbrow avant-gardism went hand in hand.
(Meanwhile, Gullible was engrossed in /Spying for Dummies/.)
***
Finally they escaped from the toils of Mordor's public transit system.
They found themselves in the Cirith Undies district, an area so
postmodern that even Derrida was shocked. Strange shapes they saw,
which resembled bits of molten lava that had cooled and lay like
twisted dragon-shapes vomited from the tormented earth. As he looked
more closely, Sam saw that these weird shapes were actually some kind
of rarefied metal sculpture. "By Lugnardo da Vinyamar, the pomo
Nazdaq sculptor, ssaddam" hissed Gullible. From somewhere to their
left came the sound of singing and orchestral music, wherein Sam
recognized the vile evil of opera, which The Badguy Formerly Known As
Gandalf had once called "an abomination so loathsome that the very
heavens seem to plug their ears in horror." (That purple passage was
presumably ghost-written.)
To the right, Mt. Viagra and Barad-dûr lowered in the distance. As he
gazed upon Barad-dûr, Sam groaned at the bad jokes that issued forth
therefrom, and took no comfort whatsoever in the fact that they were
/cultured/ bad jokes, such as "how many sopranos does it take to screw
in a light-bulb," and several very nasty jokes about tenors and
violists. He barely listened as Gullible explained the postmodern
(absence-of-)significance of the enormous dinner-forks that adorned
the battlements of Barad-dûr, and of the gum that it metonymically
chewed and popped ("that was scary, and that's a fact," as Sam later
recalled), how they (re)"present"ed the hypertextuality of being,
etc., etc., etc., etc., etc. Multipurposed and polyvalent was
Sauron's stronghold, the ironic and clever dinner forks
/mise-en-question/ing the buttresses of knife-edged iron, walls of
impenetrable stone, doors of heavy adamant all marked "ENTRANCE ONLY,"
and interminable window offices, which in turn gave this monument to
highbrowdom the appearance of a movie set for some film noir -- an
impression that could not quite dispel the drollery conveyed by the
miniature busts of Orc-composers that stood over each entrance, nor
the erotic appeal of the posters of Shelob that adorned the doors..
Further off, Sam and Gullible beheld the terrible mountain, the dread
goal of their quest. Ever and anon the furnaces far below its
uplifted head would grow hot, and with a great surging and throbbing
poured forth a river of some disgusting fluid or other from chasms in
its sides, blazing towards Barad-dûr down great channels of strangely
Freudian aspect, while purple flames soared heavenwards.
"We are not going that way yet, if hobbit insists on ssilly resscue
plan," ssnorted Gullible. "We musst go left if we are to get to Cirith
Undies. Unfortunately, it will not be easy. We'll ssee, precious, oh
yess, we'll ssee."
"Hobbit does insist on silly rescue plan," said Sam. "Let's go!"
The hobbits bore to their left, where they found themselves first in a
kind of park, whose shrubbery was trimmed into shapes of shocking
indecency (at least by Shire standards: "No sex please; we're
hobbits!" was the Shire's motto). Some giant roaches had organized a
tap-dancing party in a piazza. Here peace still reigned, if a watchful
one. Sam and Guillible heard a soprano singing a duet with a barely
audible alto over a chorus of bassi. Before long, they arrived at a
crowded outdoor amphitheatre, full of Orcs, Trolls, Rogs,
jack-o'-lanterns, and other aliens, all dressed to the nines and
gaping at a stage within a kind of band shell. Sam looked, and was
filled with horror at what he saw: Orcs lighting bonfires and toasting
marshmallows by having slaves hold them in the fire with their bare
hands, while a woman knelt on the floor and sang some aria of
heartbreaking beauty. A small figure in an elaborate costume was
trying to sing alto, but all that came out was an annoying squeal.
The surtitles didn't help much, for the sentence /In 3010, the
potatoes triumphed/ conveyed little meaning to Sam's mind.
Enraged at this treatment of the slaves, Sam cried out: "I end this
exploitation! Why do ye allow your oppressors tae inflict this
indignity upon ye? Rise, for ye have nowt tae lose but your chains --
and that's a fact!"
"Ssssh! Ssstupid hobbit!" hissed Gullible.
"Cannot you see that this is great art?" sniffed an Orc in the
audience nearby, whom Sam recognized as Gorbush.
"I find the interruption very apt," said a Nazdaq, sitting next to
Gorbush. "It is a metaphor for aesthetic aperture. There is no
closure or finality to the artistic work, but it is immanent within
being." Naturally, the Nazdaq sent shivers of dread and despair down
Sam's spine, and all that.
"I see your point, Lugnardo ..." began Gorbush, but before he could
reply, another Orc yelled at the would-be alto (who was,
unfortunately, now partially audible), "Ho la! You there, you
dunghill rat! Do you call that a high B-flat? Stop your squeaking, or
I'll come and deal with you. D'you hear?" Annoyed, Lugnardo cast a
paralysis spell on the complaining Orc; thereafter, the audience was
more or less quiet until the intermission.
During the intermission, Sam, accompanied by Gullible, cornered
Gorbush and asked what the Utumno was gaein' on. (Gorbush easily saw
through their pitiful Orc-disguises in any case.)
"This is a performance of Verdishnakh's /Uglucco/," explained
Gorbush. "A brilliant, radical production by Lugnardo the Nazdaq
sculptor. (Not as radical as Petér Sellárz's production of /Don
Celeborno/; Sauron nixed that and the director as well.)" He lowered
his voice, and whispered, "Lugnardo is also charged with protecting
Frodo. We have to be extra careful, since he's making his operatic
debut today, under the pseudonym Andrea Bocelli." Gullible stretched
and yawned in factitious boredom.
"Sae that's who the wee runt was, who couldnae sing," said Sam.
Gorbush nodded. "And where are he and Spiegel being kept?" continued
Sam. "And are they bein' weel treated?"
"Yes, they're being well treated," replied Gorbush in a whisper, "but
we cannot discuss that further now. Even here, the Fat Lord has spies.
After the performance, I will take you backstage to meet your
companions, and we shall see. For now, I will explain the opera to
you." Gorbush proceeded to do so, at length, for the rest of the
intermission. Sam remembered very little, except that the very lovely
soprano's name was Nazwaz, Easterling for "Flashing Lotus." Gullible
hissed and muttered under his breath: "Who careses? Wasste time,
ssaddam. Need to desstroy curssed thingy. Gandalf will not be
pleassed, precciouss, no he won't. Beer iss too expenssive, ssaddam,
ssaddam ..."
When the intermission ended, Sam (having nothing better to do) sat
through the rest of the opera, and actually found himself *liking* it
(except for Frodo's performance, which stank), in spite of constantly
repeating to himself in an undertone, "Opera is evil, and that's a
fact; opera is evil, and that's a fact; opera is evil, and that's a
fact..." Gullible plugged his ears.
***
As they left the performance, Sam and Gullible found Gorbush in the
middle of a heated argument with another Orc.
"Then you must go deliver my critique to Lugburz," he was saying. "I
must go backstage anyway. But I'm hurt. The Black Pits take that
filthy hidebound traditionalist Ralfpat!" Gorbush's voice trailed off
into a string of politically charged epithets. "I gave him better
than I got, but he flamed me, the reactionary, before I killfiled him.
You must go, or I'll get you demoted. News must get through to
Lugburz, or we'll both be for the Black Pits. Yes, you will too. You
won't escape by skulking up here."
"I'm not going down those stairs again," growled Lurtz, "be you poet
laureate or no. Nar! Keep your hands off your mouse, or I'll put a
virus in your laptop's guts. You won't be poet laureate long when
they hear all about these goings-on. I've fought for the Tower
against those stinking UNM-rats, but a nice mess you precious critics
have made of things, fighting over the new cabinet position."
"I have nae idea what the bloody Udûn ye lads are talkin' aboot,"
interrupted Sam. "Nor do I care. I just want to be taken to where
Frodo and Spiegel are, an' I'm no wantin' tae bide my time aboot it."
"Sssss! Wasste time! Very sstupid, yess, very dumb, yess very
moronic!" grumbled Don Giovanni.
"My apologies," said Gorbush to Lurtz. "Hobbits don't understand the
finer points of Orc-etiquette, like /Never interrupt a debate on
aesthetics/." Turning to Sam and Gullible, he said, "This is Lurtz,
Frodo's trainer in the martial arts, and my assistant." Turning back
to Lurtz, he said, "I have to go now. We will speak of this more
later. Deliver the critique, and come back to the Tower after that,
or I'll make you listen to Gondorian(tm) rap." Lurtz shuddered and
left, muttering under his breath.
"Very well; since you are so eager to see your employer, let us be
off," said Gorbush to Sam and Gullible. "Excuse me, but I will have to
blindfold you."
"Gettin' used tae it, by noo," muttered Sam, as the Orc placed a
special mauve-tinted glasses over his eyes.
"If you remove the glasses, an explosive will detonate," said
Gorbush, as he prepared to put another pair of glasses over Gullible's
eyes.
"Ssssss! We're friendsses! You can't seriously mean to blindfold Don
Giovanni!" hissed Gullible.
"You're not on the list of persons with security clearance; so yes, I
do seriously mean to blindfold Don Giovanni," replied Gorbush, doing
it.
"Cruel! Tricksy! False!" whinged Gullible; but under his breath he
sneered, "Trusst not in ssikrit wayses; we have long spied out this
realm, yess preciousss, hee hee!"
They went on a longish trip, taking several elevators, an escalator
or two, and the odd secret passage. When Gorbush finally removed
their blindfolds, they found themselves in a modern art gallery filled
with Dalrogs, Van Gorgoroghs, Myrchs, Mordnets, Pollorks, and other
horrors. "Frodo and Spiegel are in the Pikassoblug," whispered
Gorbush. He revealed that a somewhat distorted female portrait was in
fact a panel in the wall leading to Frodo's and Spiegel's secret
lodgings. As they entered the hidden apartment, the realization that
Frodo was near filled Sam with revolutionary rage, and he sang in a
loud voice:
/In Western lands beneath the boss,
the banners rise in Spring,
the workers march, the peasants cuss,
the merry Wobblies sing.
Or maybe Rosie calls a strike
and swaying beeches bear
placards and posters, red on white
amid her branching hair.
Though here at journey's end I lie,
in pomo buried deep,
beyond all corporate towers high,
beyond all prices steep,
the workers' flag is scarlet bright
for blood our martyrs shed:
I will not sell my life for lite,
until the boss is dead./
"Oh dear, I left Spiegel's … erh … /thing/ behind," said
Gorbush in a worried voice. "I'll be right back. Don't move until I
return." He darted out the hidden entrance. Sam and Gullible looked
around the luxuriously appointed room in wonder, admiring its
elaborate bookcases, filled with tomes with titles like /Movable
Peripheries: The Exiled Margin Rewrites Itself: A Study in Easterling
Mûmakisms/. As he stared uncomprehendingly at these books, Sam heard
Spiegel moaning in a room nearby, and rushed in. Sam trembled with
desire, and could not speak. Spiegel seemed slightly taken aback.
"Am I still dreaming?" she murmured. "There was an Orc with my ...
erh ... /thing/ in his hand, and it turns into Sam! Then I wasn't
dreaming when I heard you singing just now, and tried to cover my
ears? Was that you?"
"It was indeed, Spiegel," sighed Sam. "I'd given up hope, almost. I
couldn't find you. But I have now, Spiegel, dear Spiegel." He lay
back in Spiegel's gentle arms, like a child at rest when night fears
are chased away by some loved voice or hand. Spiegel held him a bit
awkwardly, as far away from her body as possible.
"Something hit me, didn't it?" mused Spiegel. "And I fell into
darkness and erotic dreams, and woke and found that waking was even
more erotic. Orcs were all around me. Or rather, one was, but he was
hot enough for a thousand." The enticing vision had seemed so real to
her, half bemused as she still was with her desire for Gorbush. Sam
had changed before her very eyes into an Orc again, leering and pawing
at her, a passionate creature with groping hands and a slobbering
mouth. But now the vision had passed. The creature was still leering
and pawing and groping and slobbering, but it was only a grubby little
hobbit.
And as Sam stood there, even though the Ring was not on him but
hanging on a chain from his neck, he felt enlarged, as if he were
robed in a huge distorted shadow of himself. He felt that he had from
now on only two choices: to forbear the Ring, though it might torment
him, and challenge the Power that sat in its dark hold beyond the
valley of shadows; or to claim it, and seduce Spiegel. Already the
Ring tempted him, gnawing at his will and reason. Wild fantasies
arose in his mind; and he saw Samwise the Strong, striding with a
flaming sword across Spiegel's fruited plain. Then Pinko gained the
ascendancy over Kinko, and he saw himself once again as Vladimir
Ilyich Lenindil, Hero of the Proletariat, and armies of workers and
peasants flocking to his call as he marched to the overthrow of the
Sauronite dictatorship. And then all the clouds rolled away, and at
his command the Barad-dûr Opera House etc. became a Kremlin and
brought forth Politburos. He had only to destroy the Ring -- or so he
thought -- and all this could be. And after he became commissar,
he'd have plenty of women to wogah -- a harem swollen to a realm; his
own hands to use, not the hands of others to command.
At this point, to Spiegel's relief, the door opened and Frodo entered.
To say that he and Sam had a merry meeting would be stretching it, but
at least they didn't try to beat each other up.
"Your operatic debut was interestin'," deadpanned Sam. Frodo seemed
preoccupied, and merely grunted in reply.
"Ssstupid hobbitses waste time, messs up quesst," muttered Gullible
for the twentieth time; but no one paid even the slightest attention
to /him/.
Frodo was accompanied by Jîvz, his Balrog valet, and Deeanna Troll,
his counsellor. This last smiled at Sam and Gullible and said, "You're
hiding something!" before sashaying out of the the room in a
provocative gait.
"Bah, she was no very relevant to the plot, nohow," said Sam, after
she had left.
"Please don't be so meta," said Spiegel. "I can't stand it. Let's
stay in character, shall we?"
Frodo, meanwhile, was muttering to himself, "/The economy of being
is simply the unbecoming of unbeing ... rather like Elbereth's
perfume, that wafts into allergenicity/. .. Why is this stuff so
/hard/ and /BORING/? Why won't Sauron just /give/ me the estate?"
"Ha!" said Sam. "So the estate was a fake all along! Now we /ken/
Sauron's evil."
"I don't know if he's good or evil," replied Frodo. "But he sure is
strict. I might even say: a fierce will, unknowing of mercy. He makes
me get up every day at 5:30 a.m., read theory, swim, then after
breakfast I have to take a quiz, talk with Sauron ... Then he lets me
have one hour of recreation, but after that I have to study the Black
Speech for two hours; after lunch -- which consists mostly of tofu --
I practice fencing with Lurtz, then religious instruction with
Counsellor Deeanna Troll, then complete rest in the dark, then voice
lessons with Gorbush, then I have to read *more* theory (Germaíne
Grír, bgheeeahkhgh!!). After dinner, I take another quiz, religious
service, talk to Sauron, bed ... Whenever I ask about my estate, he
says I'm not worthy yet. Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!!!! I
feared that it was so."
"By the way," asked Sam, hastily changing the subject, "how did ye
know the way to Mordor earlier? Ye'd never been there before."
"Oh, Sauron gave Frodo and me homing devices while you were in the
bathroom," replied Spiegel. "On coming to the asphalt parking lot, we
almost wondered if Sauron were indeed evil ... Sauron laughed when I
told him that. He's sexeeeeeee! And ever since he took away that nasty
phial, Frodo has been almost bearable, though he still has relapses
when one wants to strangle him."
[Here the MS. contains an interpolation in a suspiciously roggy hand:
"Sauron is as pure as the driven snow. Since I'm the narrator, this
must be true. And Sauron's Diary is canonical. And I am taking over
the e-text, mwahahahhahahahhahahaha!!!"]
"I believe it is time for you to read /Textual Sex and Sexual Tests/,
sih," interposed Jîvz unctuously.
"Shut up, Jîvz," said Frodo. "This is a greater matter than you
know."
"Please it your Highness to remember ..." murmured Jîvz
"It pleases my Highness principally to be obeyed, old mutterer. Now
go!" Jîvz bowed and left the room.
Sam scowled on observing Frodo's only too familiar treatment of his
servants. Nevertheless, mindful that he still needed Frodo's help
(whether freely given or forced), Sam restrained himself from killing
the git, and instead asked, "Would ye like tae aid us on a leetle
quest? A mere trifle, we just need tae destroy the Ring and free the
Western Lands from evil. You'll still get your estate, I'm sure.
Indeed, I'll warrant ye'll hae a better time governing it as your own
maister than as a subject of Sauron,. But first, we need tae get rid
of the Ring, and that's a fact."
"You've got it?" gasped Frodo. "You've got it here? Give it to me!"
he cried out, standing up, holding out a trembling four-fingered and
gloved hand. "Give it me at once! You can't have it!" He panted,
staring at Sam with eyes wide with fear and enmity.
"Nay, ye avaricious bastard -- I mean, auspicious mastard. We must
destroy yon evil engine of sorcery."
"You won't give it back, you say? Curse you, Sam, you little maggot!
If you think I'm so damaged from my operatic debut and postmodern
reading load that it's safe to flout me, you're mistaken. Come here,
and I'll sing falsetto in your ear. And when some new lads come, I'll
deal with you: I'll send you to Bergzum-ishi's /Wozzeck/."
"I'll no give it back, not before you're dead anyway," answered Sam
surlily. "I've told you twice that we need to destroy it."
"So that's it, is it?" yelled Frodo. "You'll do this, and you'll
not do that? And after stealing the Ring, you'll bolt and leave me.
No, you won't! I'll put red maggot-holes in your belly first."
"Frodo, you're not helping," interrupted Spiegel. "Why don't you
leave this to me?" She gave Frodo one of her persuasive looks, and he
nodded.
"I'll give you fifteen minutes to change the little Bolshevik's
mind," he said. "Meanwhile, I'll try to read some of this textual sex
stuff, though reading it has practically cured me of any sexual desire
I might have once had: I can't even fantasize about fishes anymore,
without being reminded of incredibly boring highbrow lit crit." With
that he stomped off.
***
Sam and Spiegel looked at each other in silence for a few minutes,
remembering the happy and golden days of Book IV, when they had romped
in Disgiliath in innocent joy, laughing through their tears (mostly at
Frodo). Then, as Sam's thought returned to the mission at hand, Sam's
face darkened.
"So," he said, "are ye with me or against me?"
"My destiny is here," said Spiegel. "I must stay in Mordor and raise
the consciousness of its people. They need it so much, for an evil
corruption is seeping its way into the realm from the northwest." She
sighed. "Please don't destroy the Ring, Sam," she implored. "Can't you
see that we were wrong about Mordor? That Orcs are not all evil?"
"Nay, we must annihilate it," said Sam. "If we don't, the Sauronites
will take over, and their tyranny will be far worse than that of the
current Imperialist and Global Capitalist hegemonists."
"Sauron has brought peace to many realms," said Spiegel. "Toreador
and Cuspidor rejoice together; the topless beaches of the Southron
kingdom of Rîô are in harmony with the gaming establishments of Minas
Vegas ..."
"His aggression shall not stand!" cried Sam.
"Why are you so sure that destroying the Ring is the right thing to
do?" rejoined Spiegel. "Because Gandalf says so? Doesn't sound like
the Sam I know, believing something just on the authority of some fat
mountebank in a pointed hat. And Gandalf /is/ evil. I have
experienced the subtle -- or not so subtle -- psychological torture he
dispenses in the name of advice. And if Gandalf is so good, how do
explain the Barbie and Ken incident? I suppose since Barbie was an
Easterling and Ken an Orc, Gandalf was perfectly in the right when he
turned them into plastic dolls and merchandised them."
"Tae crooked eyes truth may wear a wry face," intoned Sam.
"Indeed your eyes are almost blind," said Spiegel. "Blinded with
hatred for your Master. You cannot see beyond your personal and class
hatred. If you did, you would realize that destroying entire races of
people through the annihilation of the Ring is wrong."
"Entire races?" echoed Sam. "Aye, I forgot ye're an Orc-lover."
"Ah, so that's what's changed you," said Spiegel. "Jealousy ill
becomes you. There is more at stake here than our personal feelings.
What will happen if the West conquers? The Orcs will be wiped out. Or
does your belief in equality not extend to Orcs? Because mine does!
Ah, Sam, in the name of our friendship, please try to understand ..."
Sam began to say something, then stopped, gazing upon Spiegel's face
intently. His expression lost some of its harshness, and a furtive
tear trickled down his cheek.
"Don't lissten to her!" screamed Gullible. "Hobbit-witch lies, yess
she doess. She cheats us with Orcses, betrays us to them, preciouss.
We musst desstroy the Ring! We musst! Gandalf says so, and he's the
goodguy! Sauron's the villain! /SSSADDAM/!!!!"
Sam continued to waver. But at just that moment, Frodo returned,
still holding his /Textual Sex/ book. "I happened to hear the last
part of your conversation," he remarked. "It seems to me that even
Sam ought to be able to understand that the metaphysics underlying
Sauron's social democratic centralized decentralizm is nothing less
than the modalization of being through the trajectory of its own
eros."
"Bourgeois radical chic flummery!" retorted Sam, in whom hatred for
Frodo now stifled all other feelings, even his affection for Spiegel
and his revolutionary ideals. "I have made up me mind. The Ring must
be annihilated, to avenge your tyranny, ye effete decadent /armchair
fascist/!".
"I end all this!" cried Frodo, suddenly seizing the Ring.
"No, no!" yelled Gullible, snatching the Ring back from Frodo's
white-gloved, oddly cartoonish hands. "No you won't, you thief!"
But at that moment, Deeanna Troll rushed into the room with cinematic
abruptness and seized Frodo, covering the hobbit's mouth; but Spiegel
was still free and cried out, "Treachery!"
In ran Jîvz from the sauna room. "I cannot allow this to continue,"
he said, brandishing his elegant Second-Age whip.
But Gullible was ready. "Thiss iss sset to kill, ssaddam," he
hissed.
"Bah, you can't kill ..." began Jîvz, before his sentence was cut
short by Gullible's devastating aim.
"Maybe not, but at leasst we can ssstuns you," sneered Gullible, as
the Balrog valet collapsed.
"GUARDS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" screamed Frodo as he struggled to free
himself from Deeanna's grip, but in vain.
"They've gone fishing, sih," Jîvz reminded him, as the Balrog
regained consciousness..
"At my orders," said Deanna Troll. "This country wants setting to
rights, and Gandalf is the one to do it. Enough of this week-kneed
high culture crap. With that ring destroyed, we can make this an evil
empire to be proud of. ... You see," she said with a sneer, "I've
been hiding something."
Meanwhile, Sam and Gullible hastened to the door, exited through the
Pikassoblug painting, and fled through the art gallery. Even as he
ran, Sam wept. Curiously, all the museum guards seemed to believe
their explanation that they were performance artists, even though the
performance had the unusual title, "Fat Lord's Orders." Away into the
night they sped. From the bowels of the outdoor opera theatre issued
a high and dreadful wail. Far up above in the darkness it was
answered. Out of the sky there came dropping like a bolt a winged
shape, rending the clouds with a ghastly shriek. A jet-propelled
Balrog it was, bearing a Nazdaq on what Sam supposed to be some vile
mission of evil, possibly involving ballet.
***
"They've taken everything, Spiegel," said Frodo. "Everything I had.
Do you understand? /Everything!" He cowered on the floor again with
bowed head, as his own words brought home to him the fullness of the
disaster, and despair overwhelmed him. "The quest has failed,
Spiegel. Even though he's an idiot and his magic tricks are
transparent, we can't escape Gandalf's dominion. Only 'Rogs can
escape. Away, away, out of Middle-earth, with winged speed, far away
over the Sea. If even that is wide enough to keep the Shadow out." .
"I still have hope," said Spiegel. "I will not give up yet."
"Now I'll never get my estate!" whined Frodo. "I feared that it was
so."
"Is that all you can think about?" said Spiegel indignantly.
"There's much more at stake than that! Entire races of people could
become extinct! Come! We must inform Sauron at once."
"Yes," admitted Frodo. "We must tell Sauron what that slimy little
footpad and his 'Revolutionary' lackey have done."
***
So it was that when Gorbush finally returned, he found Sam and Gullibe
gone, and Frodo and Spiegel in the videoconference room. Lugnardo and
Jîvz were also there, hanging their heads with shame; but Deeanna
Troll was gone. Sauron was on the screen, and he did not look happy.
He sighed and murmured, "I was a fool! A fool! Ah!"
***
I have not determined whether Nurnenshire is a wilderness or not. In
the original, of curse, it is *not* a wilderness, but is full of the
latifundia that provided the economic basis for Sauron's empire. But
that's neither here nor there. I have also tried to leave
indeterminate the question of whether Sauron is "evil" or not, so
we'll just have to wait and see what Banazir says. Isn't that a
pickle?
--
BTW, Zir ... Big Balrog is watching you!
Count Menelvagor
<sneepo>
Well? Did no one read the thing? Comments, please?
Tom Burnett
Count Menelvagor wrote:
Ummm... how can I put this tactfully? I read about 3-4 paragraphs of it. If it's supposed to be humor, I suggest you simply
read "Bored of the Rings," which actually >was< funny.
Chris Kern
Menelvagor) posted the following:
>Menel...@mailandnews.com (Count Menelvagor) wrote in message news:<6bfb27a8.02012...@posting.google.com>...
><sneepo>
>
>Well? Did no one read the thing? Comments, please?
I think you need to repost it -- I don't see the original post in
either Tolkien newsgroup.
-Chris
Morgil Blackhope
Tom Burnett kirjoitti viestissä <3C51D31A...@apk.net>...
Newbie.
Morgil
(so, I've taken lessons from Suzieflame...)
Aris Katsaris
"Count Menelvagor" <Menel...@mailandnews.com> wrote in message
news:6bfb27a8.02012...@posting.google.com...
I was somewhat daunted by the 45 KB of size ... I'll try to read it a bit
later...
Aris Katsaris
Count Menelvagor
(Someone else suggested I read Bored of the Rings; I have, and it is funny.)
Robert Brady
> Well? Did no one read the thing? Comments, please?
Fairly funny. :) (Ignore the heckler, he knoweth not of what he speaketh)
I didn't comment on it originally, because, uh, I figured everyone else would.
Cunning delayment of the "is sauron evil?" issue. I wonder how far this can
actually be postponed. I wonder how long this can actually be delayed - I'd
assume it would have to be resolved in Mount Doom, but who knows with this
lot?
p.s. i promise to update the list of names before "The Grey Havens" is
written. Honest.
--
Robert
David Salo
Menel...@mailandnews.com (Count Menelvagor) wrote:
You know, this is not really the kind of thing I had learned to
expect from le Comte Menelvagueur. However (and perhaps because of
that) it is superb. Not only did I nearly fall of my chair laughing
*many many* times, I also have to admire the artistry by which three or
four apparently irreconcilable visions of Mordor are blended into a
seamless whole. It must be all of those theses on the dis/unity of
(un)Being that le Comte hath read.
Of course, I still don't know if Sauron is a bad guy or not -- but
he's clearly sorely distracted and in no shape to rule an evil empire.
Whether that makes our characters' journey through the horrorrs of
Morrdorr any easier we have yet to see.
> I have not determined whether Nurnenshire is a wilderness or not. In
> the original, of curse, it is *not* a wilderness, but is full of the
> latifundia that provided the economic basis for Sauron's empire. But
> that's neither here nor there. I have also tried to leave
> indeterminate the question of whether Sauron is "evil" or not, so
> we'll just have to wait and see what Banazir says. Isn't that a
> pickle?
With relish!
IMHO, Nurnenshire looks very much like northern Iowa. I.e. full of
productive land (and possibly suitable for Shire-dwellers, despite the
lack of rolling hills); but from the point of view of an urbanite like
Boromir(TM), an 'Owlin' Wilderness devoid of any interest whatsoever,
except the interest aroused by the desperate need to escape the stench
of the pig-farms.
David Salo
Öjevind Lång
[snip]
> Meanwhile, Gullible had moved a little out of earshot and taken a
>walkie-talkie out of his bag. "Agent 007 to Fat Lord," he said.
>"Situation excellent, preciouss.
LOL - exellent!
> Sam gazed at the abyss at his feet. In the background, in the lovely
>ersatz chalet of Cirith Iodel, he heard an exquisite soprano warbling:
>
>/DOR! A land, an Orkish land! .
>RHÎ! A crown for royal dude!
>MIR! A jewel I hold in hand!
>FA! I'd tell you, but it's rude!
>SÛL! It's Sindarin for wind!
>LANG! A cutlass or a sword!
>DÎ! A bride with Sauron sinned!
>And that brings us to Mor-DOR, DOR .../
>
>A gunshot echoed in the mountains, and the song abruptly ceased. And
>hard and cruel and bitter was the parking lot that met Sam's gaze.
Oh dear!
[snip]
> The elevator stopped, and the hobbits got out. Now began the worst
>part of Sam's journey, compared to which the scaling of Mount Viagra
>was as a picnic in Woody End Park in the Shire. Cars upon cars
>lowered before his horror-stricken gaze. At first he looked with
>interest at the licence plates and bumper stickers: "I Break for
>Winged Balrogs," "I <heart> Minas Epcot," "If Rings of Power were
>Outlawed, Only Outlaws would have Rings of Power," "It's a Troll
>Thing; You Wouldn't Understand," "The White Council Is Racist," along
>with more refined sentiments, such as, "Maria Khallas Kicks Tebaldi's
>Rear End," "Empower the Periphery through the Deconstruction of Power
>Structures," and "Who Would Conquer the World, Must First Get the Ring
>of Wogah" -- to say nothing of totally obscure items like "The Nature
>of Being Is Psotting to TEUNC," "Bha, I Walays Tyope My Repeats,"
>"/Bother/, said Pooh. /Some Stupid Halfwitt Has the Ring!/,"and "I Moo
>for Dwagins."
Hey, you hit many tragets here! :-D
[snip]
> "6 flokarinos," said the guy.
That word really seems to have entered the mainstream, hasn't it? Raven used
it too.
[snip]
>But right next to this somewhat arcane stuff, Sam saw an advertisement
>for Koorsthak Lite, and next to that, a painting of a can of
>Kampbelghurghak's Soup by Andy Orchol, provocatively captioned "Is It
>Art?" Thereafter came a painting of giant watches by Salvad-dûr Dalrog
>... Sam's eyes began to glaze over, barely taking in the ad for
>/Hustler/ that followed. As he pondered the matter, Sam came to a
>fearful realization: In the postmodern bizarrerie of the Mordor
>aesthetic, pop kitsch and highbrow avant-gardism went hand in hand.
Don't they everywhere? [SIGH]
[snip]
> "This is a performance of Verdishnakh's /Uglucco/," explained
>Gorbush. "A brilliant, radical production by Lugnardo the Nazdaq
>sculptor. (Not as radical as Petér Sellárz's production of /Don
>Celeborno/; Sauron nixed that and the director as well.)"
Someone will soon have to mnake a list of famous Mordoran composers.
[snip]
> They went on a longish trip, taking several elevators, an escalator
>or two, and the odd secret passage. When Gorbush finally removed
>their blindfolds, they found themselves in a modern art gallery filled
>with Dalrogs, Van Gorgoroghs, Myrchs, Mordnets, Pollorks, and other
>horrors.
Hey! I like Van Gorgo...ahem.
[snip]
> "Ha!" said Sam. "So the estate was a fake all along! Now we /ken/
>Sauron's evil."
> "I don't know if he's good or evil," replied Frodo. "But he sure is
>strict. I might even say: a fierce will, unknowing of mercy. He makes
>me get up every day at 5:30 a.m., read theory, swim, then after
>breakfast I have to take a quiz, talk with Sauron ... Then he lets me
>have one hour of recreation, but after that I have to study the Black
>Speech for two hours; after lunch -- which consists mostly of tofu --
>I practice fencing with Lurtz, then religious instruction with
>Counsellor Deeanna Troll, then complete rest in the dark, then voice
>lessons with Gorbush, then I have to read *more* theory (Germaíne
>Grír, bgheeeahkhgh!!). After dinner, I take another quiz, religious
>service, talk to Sauron, bed ... Whenever I ask about my estate, he
>says I'm not worthy yet. Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!!!! I
>feared that it was so."
This IS evil. ;-)
[snip]
> "Why are you so sure that destroying the Ring is the right thing to
>do?" rejoined Spiegel. "Because Gandalf says so? Doesn't sound like
>the Sam I know, believing something just on the authority of some fat
>mountebank in a pointed hat. And Gandalf /is/ evil. I have
>experienced the subtle -- or not so subtle -- psychological torture he
>dispenses in the name of advice. And if Gandalf is so good, how do
>explain the Barbie and Ken incident? I suppose since Barbie was an
>Easterling and Ken an Orc, Gandalf was perfectly in the right when he
>turned them into plastic dolls and merchandised them."
NOW they tell us!
[snip]
> Meanwhile, Sam and Gullible hastened to the door, exited through the
>Pikassoblug painting, and fled through the art gallery. Even as he
>ran, Sam wept. Curiously, all the museum guards seemed to believe
>their explanation that they were performance artists, even though the
>performance had the unusual title, "Fat Lord's Orders."
LOLOLOL
[snip]
>So it was that when Gorbush finally returned, he found Sam and Gullibe
>gone, and Frodo and Spiegel in the videoconference room. Lugnardo and
>Jîvz were also there, hanging their heads with shame; but Deeanna
>Troll was gone. Sauron was on the screen, and he did not look happy.
>He sighed and murmured, "I was a fool! A fool! Ah!"
>
>***
>
>I have not determined whether Nurnenshire is a wilderness or not. In
>the original, of curse, it is *not* a wilderness, but is full of the
>latifundia that provided the economic basis for Sauron's empire. But
>that's neither here nor there. I have also tried to leave
>indeterminate the question of whether Sauron is "evil" or not, so
>we'll just have to wait and see what Banazir says. Isn't that a
>pickle?
Bill and Steuard will indeed have to get busy...
Good work!
Öjevind
Öjevind Lång
[snip]
>p.s. i promise to update the list of names before "The Grey Havens" is
> written. Honest.
Excellent. That list is such a help.
Öjevind
Count Menelvagor
> Cunning delayment of the "is sauron evil?" issue. I wonder how far this can
> actually be postponed. I wonder how long this can actually be delayed - I'd
> assume it would have to be resolved in Mount Doom, but who knows with this
> lot?
Ah, well mazbe Zir will be able to help us on thatñ who knows?
One possibility is that Sauron is good but his evfil twin saurtre has
been mucking things up. another is that he´s too busy wogahing and
attending artisitic strruff to either be good or bad ...
>
> p.s. i promise to update the list of names before "The Grey Havens" is
> written. Honest.
See Updated List of Names: Share the Horror. )which I need to update
soon)
David Salo
Menel...@mailandnews.com (Count Menelvagor) wrote:
> One possibility is that Sauron is good but his efvil twin saurtre has
> been mucking things up. another is that he's too busy wogahing and
> attending artistic struff to either be good or bad ...
And who knows what will come of that? If the One goes into the Fire,
and Sauron is wogahing Shelob? I ask you, is he ever likely to wogah
again? I think not.
DS
Count Menelvagor
> In article <6bfb27a8.02012...@posting.google.com>,
> Menel...@mailandnews.com (Count Menelvagor) wrote:
>
> You know, this is not really the kind of thing I had learned to
> expect from le Comte Menelvagueur. However (and perhaps because of
> that) it is superb. Not only did I nearly fall of my chair laughing
> *many many* times, I also have to admire the artistry by which three or
> four apparently irreconcilable visions of Mordor are blended into a
> seamless whole. It must be all of those theses on the dis/unity of
> (un)Being that le Comte hath read.
Yes, taht was a large part fo the nidea, so I惴 gald it seems to have
worked out ... The bit about postmodern bizarrerie is key ... I
thought it might be amuzzling if ALL the views of Mordor presented
turned out true.
I think it愀 kind of amuzzling not being sure who the badguy really is
...:^')
> Of course, I still don't know if Sauron is a bad guy or not -- but
> he's clearly sorely distracted and in no shape to rule an evil empire.
> Whether that makes our characters' journey through the horrorrs of
> Morrdorr any easier we have yet to see.
>
Don愒 know; could make it harder, on account of anarchy and that ...
And the narc0oterrorists ...
> > I have not determined whether Nurnenshire is a wilderness or not. In
> > the original, of curse, it is *not* a wilderness, but is full of the
> > latifundia that provided the economic basis for Sauron's empire. But
> > that's neither here nor there. I have also tried to leave
> > indeterminate the question of whether Sauron is "evil" or not, so
> > we'll just have to wait and see what Banazir says. Isn't that a
> > pickle?
>
> With relish!
>
> IMHO, Nurnenshire looks very much like northern Iowa. I.e. full of
That souinds about right to me; we惻l see what Mr. Hsu says. I惻l be
sinterested to find out the truth ... (And I hope that bribe pays off
...)
Count Menelvagor
:various sneeps:
> Count Menelvagor wrote:
>
> [snip]
>
> > Meanwhile, Gullible had moved a little out of earshot and taken a
> >walkie-talkie out of his bag. "Agent 007 to Fat Lord," he said.
> >"Situation excellent, preciouss.
>
> LOL - exellent!
yah, I thought I´d make Gullible Gandyńs agenyt; give him a
motivation.
> > The elevator stopped, and the hobbits got out. Now began the worst
:z:
> >"/Bother/, said Pooh. /Some Stupid Halfwitt Has the Ring!/,"and "I Moo
> >for Dwagins."
>
> Hey, you hit many tragets here! :-D
yes, I was trying to make the parking lot scnee funny ...
>
> [snip]
>
> > "6 flokarinos," said the guy.
>
> That word really seems to have entered the mainstream, hasn't it? Raven used
> it too.
It´ńs prat of our world domination snalp '' but I still dont´ń know
ehrre it came from ...
> > "This is a performance of Verdishnakh's /Uglucco/," explained
> >Gorbush. "A brilliant, radical production by Lugnardo the Nazdaq
> >sculptor. (Not as radical as Petér Sellárz's production of /Don
> >Celeborno/; Sauron nixed that and the director as well.)"
>
> Someone will soon have to mnake a list of famous Mordoran composers.
welel, thye´ll be in the List of Nmes ... Mazbe I shoiuld also ahve
struff on them on that top sikrit site I haven´t stratted xxet, and
won´t till fater the defense.
> >with Dalrogs, Van Gorgoroghs, Myrchs, Mordnets, Pollorks, and other
> >horrors.
>
> Hey! I like Van Gorgo...ahem.
MAzbe you´re part Orc ... )Btw I got Dalrog from you ..=
>
> [snip]
> > Meanwhile, Sam and Gullible hastened to the door, exited through the
> >Pikassoblug painting, and fled through the art gallery. Even as he
> >ran, Sam wept. Curiously, all the museum guards seemed to believe
> >their explanation that they were performance artists, even though the
> >performance had the unusual title, "Fat Lord's Orders."
>
> LOLOLOL
Fat Lord, of curse, is what thew Mordorians call Gnadlaf (if it is
Gandalf, indeed ..)
> Bill and Steuard will indeed have to get busy...
> Good work!
Thnkas! I´m curiosu as to waht they´ll do to the poor e't ...
that I haven´t doen already! Myah'ah'ah'ah'ah!
Öjevind Lång
[snip]
>Fat Lord, of curse, is what thew Mordorians call Gnadlaf (if it is
>Gandalf, indeed ..)
Also known as the Dark Lard?
Öjevind
Morgil Blackhope
Öjevind Lång kirjoitti viestissä ...
Or Evil Cholesterol...
Morgil
Count Menelvagor
Oh, no! Wish I'd thought of that ... appalling.
BTW, you probably recall the last lines of the cahpter come from your
Overgrown Hobbit parody ...
Raven
news:6bfb27a8.02012...@posting.google.com...
> I made Gullible the Ringbearer and Gandalf's agent,
Perhaps he had a hand in the possibly false message that there would
not be that peace conference that Ariellë had intended? Along with
Deeanna Troll?
> It is clear now that dropping the Ring into Mt. Viagra will not
> necessarily in fact lead to the triumph of good, but rather the
> contrary: the victory of the evil Gandalf (whom I would not
> necessarily write off, yet).
Of course not. He may arrive as a bomb-shell, pursued by dragons who
play much the same role as the dwarfs in "The Last Battle". He may be
splattered all over Mount Viagra, or he may plug the entrance just in
time to *prevent* the Ring from being dropped in, or he may pick up his
old schemes.
But I do think that he should be finally defeated, as Sauron was in
the original text. Of course, I have no say in that anymore.
But if Gorbush learns of the massacre of the orc-village and
Gandalf's part in it --- who knows, it may have been the home village of
Gorbush. :-)
> Some titles mentioned in the later part of the chapter are from actual
> MLA papers, though I had trouble finding anything off the wall enough:
> most MLA papers were appallingly normal.
The which papers?
> I have not followed the rage for killing off major characters ...:-]
Ah. You have also learned from previous happenstances?
It shows that you have spent quite some time on the chapter. There
certainly is something to be said for starting the chapter well in
advance of the completion of the preceding one.
Yêma.
Count Menelvagor
> And who knows what will come of that? If the One goes into the Fire,
> and Sauron is wogahing Shelob? I ask you, is he ever likely to wogah
> again? I think not.
LOL! That would indeed be grievous!
Count Menelvagor
> "Count Menelvagor" <Menel...@mailandnews.com> skrev i en meddelelse
> news:6bfb27a8.02012...@posting.google.com...
>
> > I made Gullible the Ringbearer and Gandalf's agent,
> Perhaps he had a hand in the possibly false message that there would
> not be that peace conference that Ariellë had intended? Along with
> Deeanna Troll?
>
I wouldn't be surprised ... I made Gullible Gandalf's agent long ago,
but the "evil" Deeanna Troll is a recent addition (after your chapter,
that is ...)
> But I do think that he should be finally defeated, as Sauron was in
> the original text.
I agreen with that.
> Of course, I have no say in that anymore.
> But if Gorbush learns of the massacre of the orc-village and
> Gandalf's part in it --- who knows, it may have been the home village of
> Gorbush. :-)
>
Could be indood; wonder if Zir and SJ are reading naz of this?
> > Some titles mentioned in the later part of the chapter are from actual
> > MLA papers, though I had trouble finding anything off the wall enough:
> > most MLA papers were appallingly normal.
> The which papers?
Modern Language Association, or should I saz Mordor Langauge
Association?
>
> > I have not followed the rage for killing off major characters ...:-]
> Ah. You have also learned from previous happenstances?
>
In Book V it got to be a bit mucho ... (Note, BTW, my subtle hints
about Frodo's nature. Pay especial attention to his hands.)
> It shows that you have spent quite some time on the chapter. There
> certainly is something to be said for starting the chapter well in
> advance of the completion of the preceding one.
>
Yes, and in this case the action really comes directly after that in
IV.13, so that only fairly mild emendations were necessary (apart of
course from cutting the thing; turns out this chapter did "grow in the
telling," fater lal). I did add some stuff about Gandalf's contacts,
though Gullible (as I said) I already had made into Gandy's agent (I
like giving characters a motive).
> Yêma.
(That's Taranian for raven, Ala ... if you're reading this.)
Count Menelvagor
<etc., etc., etc., LO SNIPPONE>
This thing really should have a title, shouldn't it? Wlokaz, let's
saz "The Tower of Cirith Undies" and be boring. (Though "The Opera of
Cirith Undies has a creatin appeal ...) Nah, go the easy and boring
route ...
Raven
news:6bfb27a8.02012...@posting.google.com...
> (Note, BTW, my subtle hints about Frodo's nature. Pay
> especial attention to his hands.)
I noticed. "Frodo the eight-fingered and the Ring of Wogah"? I
wonder how many of the characters will turn out to be toons. What have
I started?
Yêma.
David Salo
<jonlenn...@get2net.dk> wrote:
Ariellė is *not* a toon.
Er...
She's "graphic art".
DS
William H. Hsu
> Arielle is *not* a toon.
> Er...
> She's "graphic art".
Oh, let's just call hentai hentai, dacorudo?
--
Banazir
William H. Hsu
Hrm, now, ifthatdaunted you[*], this might be problematic:
[bhsu@ringil bhsu]$ ll *.txt
-rw-r--r-- 1 bhsu bhsu 27201 Mar 17 2001 4-3.txt
-rw-r--r-- 1 bhsu bhsu 75357 Feb 18 23:43 6-2.txt
:-)
--
Banazir
[*]sorry, CHOKLITstuck in Vingilot's spacebar.
William H. Hsu
>In article <6bfb27a8.02012...@posting.google.com>,
>Menel...@mailandnews.com (Count Menelvagor) wrote:
> You know, this is not really the kind of thing I had learned to
>expect from le Comte Menelvagueur. However (and perhaps because of
>that) it is superb.
He's still thrying to fogure out whether that is a mocpliment or an
inslut, yernow.
>Not only did I nearly fall of my chair laughing
>*many many* times, I also have to admire the artistry by which three or
>four apparently irreconcilable visions of Mordor are blended into a
>seamless whole. It must be all of those theses on the dis/unity of
>(un)Being that le Comte hath read.
(And the one he is writing, sansudutu.)
> Of course, I still don't know if Sauron is a bad guy or not -- but
>he's clearly sorely distracted and in no shape to rule an evil empire.
>Whether that makes our characters' journey through the horrorrs of
>Morrdorr any easier we have yet to see.
Welp, I've left it a lille less up in the air fater VI.2, mais, I have
knot entirely resloved it. I decided to concentrate more on the
protagonists (lal 15000 of them)... >-)
>> I have not determined whether Nurnenshire is a wilderness or not. In
>> the original, of curse, it is *not* a wilderness, but is full of the
>> latifundia that provided the economic basis for Sauron's empire. But
>> that's neither here nor there. I have also tried to leave
>> indeterminate the question of whether Sauron is "evil" or not, so
>> we'll just have to wait and see what Banazir says. Isn't that a
>> pickle?
> With relish!
I soit'n'ly enjoyed producing the latest cahpter.
It gave me a chance to expound every last theory I had on Life,
the Multiverse, and Everything (in SF, ta slate).
> IMHO, Nurnenshire looks very much like northern Iowa. I.e. full of
>productive land (and possibly suitable for Shire-dwellers, despite the
>lack of rolling hills); but from the point of view of an urbanite like
>Boromir(TM), an 'Owlin' Wilderness devoid of any interest whatsoever,
>except the interest aroused by the desperate need to escape the stench
>of the pig-farms.
Nurnenshire proper, perhaps; but certainly knot the Morgai, or the UNM
campus proper (I could knot fogure out which of my almae matres [*] to
spoof, so I spoofed them lal [**]).
And the Vale of UFAT? Welp... see fro yourselves.
http://ringil.cis.ksu.edu/TEUNC/Banazir/Misc/6-2.txt
[*] almae matres: http://www.mindspring.com/~jhodgdon/alma.html
(beats me whether he's right)
[**] cf. "real" life - when you can't fogure out which MOM to make
fun of...
--
Banazir
(leave nobuddy uninslutted)
William H. Hsu
>Robert Brady wrote:
>[snip]
So much so that I found myself using Google's cached copy!
--
Banazir
William H. Hsu
>"Ojevind Lang" <ojevin...@swipnet.se> wrote in message news:<1RG48.6668$O5.1...@nntpserver.swip.net>...
>:various sneeps:
>> Count Menelvagor wrote:
>>
>> [snip]
>>
>> > Meanwhile, Gullible had moved a little out of earshot and taken a
>> >walkie-talkie out of his bag. "Agent 007 to Fat Lord," he said.
>> >"Situation excellent, preciouss.
>>
>> LOL - exellent!
>yah, I thought I'd make Gullible Gandy's agenyt; give him a
>motivation.
Ironically enough, amidst all the upheaval, I managed to keep that
lille tolp tiwst intact!
>> > The elevator stopped, and the hobbits got out. Now began the worst
>:z:
>> >"/Bother/, said Pooh. /Some Stupid Halfwitt Has the Ring!/,"and "I Moo
>> >for Dwagins."
>>
>> Hey, you hit many tragets here! :-D
>yes, I was trying to make the parking lot scnee funny ...
Welp, there are a FEW more TEUNCisms (and a cameo I think y'all will like,
in the spirit of, er, "tourism promotion").
>> [snip]
>>
>> > "6 flokarinos," said the guy.
>>
>> That word really seems to have entered the mainstream, hasn't it? Raven used
>> it too.
>It's prat of our world domination snalp '' but I still dont know
>ehrre it came from ...
>Fat Lord, of curse, is what thew Mordorians call Gnadlaf (if it is
>Gandalf, indeed ..)
Welp, I think VI.2 has daqueetly explained it.
>> Bill and Steuard will indeed have to get busy...
>> Good work!
>Thnkas! I'm curiosu as to waht they'll do to the poor e't ...
Read 'em and weep (with laughter, joy, or in reneast, I leave to you)! 8-)
>that I haven't doen already! Myah'ah'ah'ah'ah!
He said /sotto voce/ [*]
[*] Blarong fro "none too subtly"
--
Banazir
(one world * one love * come to BC and feel lal wright)
William H. Hsu
>"Count Menelvagor" <Menel...@mailandnews.com> skrev i en meddelelse
>news:6bfb27a8.02012...@posting.google.com...
>> I made Gullible the Ringbearer and Gandalf's agent,
> Perhaps he had a hand in the possibly false message that there would
>not be that peace conference that Arielle had intended?
Check - Arielle is definitely knot one of the goond gals (though it is
knot clear whom she's in cahoots with). Sisters of Preince Corbin are
usually knot the nicest women in Shade.
(BTW, if you've never met Preince Corbin afore VI.2, have a loonk at
Kevin Knight's most excellent E-Text of The First Chronicles of Ember,
oublished way bax in 1988:
http://www.black-knight.org/penn/amber/dying.html)
>Along with Deeanna Troll?
Her whereabouts are unknown as of the end of VI.2. O'Brien the
Barbarian apparently did knot carry her off.
>> It is clear now that dropping the Ring into Mt. Viagra will not
>> necessarily in fact lead to the triumph of good, but rather the
>> contrary: the victory of the evil Gandalf (whom I would not
>> necessarily write off, yet).
> Of course not. He may arrive as a bomb-shell, pursued by dragons who
>play much the same role as the dwarfs in "The Last Battle".
He may indeed...
Only, the dragons have raleady made their appearance, both in V.10 and
VI.2.
>He may be splattered all over Mount Viagra, or he may plug the entrance
>just in time to *prevent* the Ring from being dropped in, or he may pick
>up his old schemes.
This is even more plausible.
> But I do think that he should be finally defeated, as Sauron was in
>the original text. Of course, I have no say in that anymore.
I agreen, and since VI.2 reveals his true identity, I personally would
like to see the real Gandalf come bax (only a few boonks late - hey,
Boromir has outlived his original text self by 3.5 boonks now!)...
Mais, the tale has now passed beyond my keeping aswell.
> But if Gorbush learns of the massacre of the orc-village and
>Gandalf's part in it --- who knows, it may have been the home village of
>Gorbush. :-)
It's a moot p6int now, as Gorbush has gone to that big Orc-Hold in the...
um, Whatever.
>> Some titles mentioned in the later part of the chapter are from actual
>> MLA papers, though I had trouble finding anything off the wall enough:
>> most MLA papers were appallingly normal.
> The which papers?
Modern Lit Analysis, IIRC.
>> I have not followed the rage for killing off major characters ...:-]
> Ah. You have also learned from previous happenstances?
Yes! Henceforth we kill only MINOR characters!
(Only, we kill them in their thousands, nesupasu?)
> It shows that you have spent quite some time on the chapter. There
>certainly is something to be said for starting the chapter well in
>advance of the completion of the preceding one.
I started mine fater the Count's, and I think it's prolly one of the
five longest.
--
Banazir
William H. Hsu
>Could be indood; wonder if Zir and SJ are reading naz of this?
Sure am (and I read it afore commencing wrok on VI.2, too).
>> > Some titles mentioned in the later part of the chapter are from actual
>> > MLA papers, though I had trouble finding anything off the wall enough:
>> > most MLA papers were appallingly normal.
>> The which papers?
>Modern Language Association, or should I saz Mordor Langauge
>Association?
And I even read this, but promptly frogot it (again).
--
Banazir
(hey, I even left Frodo alive!)
WBrownlee
news:a4sqc7$dat$1...@ringil.cis.ksu.edu...
Ya know, I trust David Salo so much more than this... whatever it is... I'll
continue to read his posts, but this stuff...
sheesh
My last known address was The Cliffs of Insanity
And I DON'T crosspost!!!!!!
Raven
news:a4srj5$ddk$1...@ringil.cis.ksu.edu...
> Check - Arielle is definitely knot one of the goond gals (though it is
> knot clear whom she's in cahoots with). Sisters of Preince Corbin are
> usually knot the nicest women in Shade.
At the time of this reply I have not read your chapter yet. But in
my own chapter I presented Ariellė as not altogether benign, at least.
She foresaw that Arwen would be her rival as queen of Gondor(tm), and
threatened to have her executed.
<has read the chapter>
<preliminary comments>
I notice that you have maintained Aragon as in the process of
becoming re-ennobled. Good. So you are setting up Arwen as the only
person able to defeat the forces of evil that are externally threatening
Muddle-earth, if only she can be properly armed?
Wu[1] Ya[1].
William H. Hsu
>"William H. Hsu" <bh...@ringil.cis.ksu.edu> skrev i en meddelelse
>news:a4srj5$ddk$1...@ringil.cis.ksu.edu...
>> Check - Arielle is definitely knot one of the goond gals (though it is
>> knot clear whom she's in cahoots with). Sisters of Preince Corbin are
>> usually knot the nicest women in Shade.
> At the time of this reply I have not read your chapter yet. But in
>my own chapter I presented Arielle as not altogether benign, at least.
>She foresaw that Arwen would be her rival as queen of Gondor(tm), and
>threatened to have her executed.
... which is quite in character for Felona, or nay Emberite for that
matter. Some might even say it is the way of their kind.
> <has read the chapter>
> <preliminary comments>
> I notice that you have maintained Aragon as in the process of
>becoming re-ennobled. Good.
Welp, after the dragons of Muddle-earthsea (who probably followed Corbin
through Shade and became trapped when he left with the Bernese bronze)
trasked Aruman all the way to Mount Viagra, I fogured that Aragon would
need to do some growing up (and slimming down), quickly.
(Though, technically speaking, I have not "maintained" anything, as
the culmination of V.10 happens chronologically AFTER VI.2.)
>So you are setting up Arwen as the only
>person able to defeat the forces of evil that are externally threatening
>Muddle-earth, if only she can be properly armed?
Let me put it this way:
1. The vampires that Charissa collected from Night Island to help with
the t.a.r.d.i.S. hijacking are still at large.
2. Arwen has a job to do. "Death is your gift" and all that jive...
3. First rule of movie mayhem: when heroines who kick undeead butt have
a job to do, weapons (especially p6inty wooden st^icks) tend to come
to hand rather easily.
Though at this rate, Arwen will be too busy fighting to get married to
anyone (within Aragon's lifespan, at any rate). :-)
BTW, I finally read the "Tolkien by Other Authors" thread and the
"E-Text Drinking Game", and... well, trasked minds think alike, I
suppose!
:-)
--
Banazir
(though deciding who *really* swallowed the Ring is left to the author of VI.3)
Count Tildanor the Balrog
<I don't mark e. tiem I zneep>
> "Raven" <jonlenn...@get2net.dk> writes:
> Check - Arielle is definitely knot one of the goond gals (though it is
> knot clear whom she's in cahoots with). Sisters of Preince Corbin are
> usually knot the nicest women in Shade.
>
Ah, wlel we doxx't wreallz know if tish Corbin fellow is tlelting teh
rtuth or knot, do we?:-]
> (BTW, if you've never met Preince Corbin afore VI.2, have a loonk at
> Kevin Knight's most excellent E-Text of The First Chronicles of Ember,
> oublished way bax in 1988:
> http://www.black-knight.org/penn/amber/dying.html)
>
(Wlil loonk at it ltaer; gno time now, alas ...)
> >He may be splattered all over Mount Viagra, or he may plug the entrance
> >just in time to *prevent* the Ring from being dropped in, or he may pick
> >up his old schemes.
>
> This is even more plausible.
I like the plu-gin idea.
> > But if Gorbush learns of the massacre of the orc-village and
> >Gandalf's part in it --- who knows, it may have been the home village of
> >Gorbush. :-)
>
> It's a moot p6int now, as Gorbush has gone to that big Orc-Hold in the...
> um, Whatever.
IIRC, his deeath is merely reported, knot seen. Besides, he has
kindred (and a widow) who cloud take revenge (even if I don't see
Psiegel as the revenge type -- more the "We Are the World" type).
> >> I have not followed the rage for killing off major characters ...:-]
> > Ah. You have also learned from previous happenstances?
>
> Yes! Henceforth we kill only MINOR characters!
> (Only, we kill them in their thousands, nesupasu?)
E-text bloodbath!
> I started mine fater the Count's, and I think it's prolly one of the
> five longest.
I think you maz have reached a record.
And this psot of yours soemhoo has knot mdae ti to Goolge:
>Menel...@mailandnews.com (Count Menelvagor) writes:
>>"Ojevind Lang" <ojevin...@swipnet.se> wrote in message news:<1RG48.6668$O5.1...@nntpserver.swip.net>...
>>yah, I thought I'd make Gullible Gandy's agenyt; give him a
>>motivation.
>Ironically enough, amidst all the upheaval, I managed to keep that
>lille tolp tiwst intact!
Ah, gald *smoethnig* survived fo my cahpter ...:-] I wloud hvae
preferred ot keep Sam and Gull together, and Frodo apart as per Salo
and my chapters, but ... wlel, let me re-read your chapter afore
judging it. At least you mamanged to get soem amuzzlling flyting
between the hobbits ("you scumbag" etc.) out of it ...
Bha, I still think the bit I cut out, whjere Sauron turns Frodo into
Catapin Mordor, was funny ...
And I deny the slavery and pen eraser bit; I don't crae if it *is* in
the e-text, it didn't ahppen!;-]
>Welp, there are a FEW more TEUNCisms (and a cameo I think y'all will
like,
>in the spirit of, er, "tourism promotion").
Cught the UFAT BIT (lollo), and wlil havae to loonk for teh others
when I reread (for Index of Nmaes and SD pruposes).
>> [snip]
>>
>> > "6 flokarinos," said the guy.
>>
>> That word really seems to have entered the mainstream, hasn't it?
Raven used
>> it too.
>It's prat of our world domination snalp '' but I still dont know
>ehrre it came from ...
>Fat Lord, of curse, is what thew Mordorians call Gnadlaf (if it is
>Gandalf, indeed ..)
Welp, I think VI.2 has daqueetly explained it.
YThe eople who came from the fufture bgourht flokarini with them?
>Read 'em and weep (with laughter, joy, or in reneast, I leave to
you)! 8-)
I didn't weep, but I did chortle a bit ...
>that I haven't doen already! Myah'ah'ah'ah'ah!
He said /sotto voce/ [*]
[*] Blarong fro "none too subtly"
Catually, waht I ddi was pretty mild.
Banazir the Jedi Hobbit
> bh...@ringil.cis.ksu.edu (William H. Hsu) wrote in message news:<a4srj5$ddk$1...@ringil.cis.ksu.edu>...
> Ah, wlel we doxx't wreallz know if tish Corbin fellow is tlelting teh
> rtuth or knot, do we?:-]
Personally, I think he is, mais, I am noly the author of one cahpter
of the E-Text (wlokay, three, but that's neither here nor there).
Actually, it's rather amusing to reflect on J.R.R. Tolkien's remark
(that Treebeard is only a character in his story and doesn't know the
facts as well as he does). It would appear that the E-text has a life
of its own and that our characters (having continuity beyond the time
they spend in our hands) may, indeed, know MORE of the facts than we
do!
> > (BTW, if you've never met Preince Corbin afore VI.2, have a loonk at
> > Kevin Knight's most excellent E-Text of The First Chronicles of Ember,
> > oublished way bax in 1988:
> > http://www.black-knight.org/penn/amber/dying.html)
> >
>
> (Wlil loonk at it ltaer; gno time now, alas ...)
Trust me; it's well worth it.
Certainly, Kevin's rendition of _Nine Preinces in Amber_ and _The Gnus
of Avalon_ is better, though perhaps saner, than my meager
contributions to the E-text. :-)
> > >He may be splattered all over Mount Viagra, or he may plug the entrance
> > >just in time to *prevent* the Ring from being dropped in, or he may pick
> > >up his old schemes.
> >
> > This is even more plausible.
>
> I like the plu-gin idea.
Hühü, perhaps he can STAY in the caldera, too!
For all time, even...
> > > But if Gorbush learns of the massacre of the orc-village and
> > >Gandalf's part in it --- who knows, it may have been the home village of
> > >Gorbush. :-)
> >
> > It's a moot p6int now, as Gorbush has gone to that big Orc-Hold in the...
> > um, Whatever.
>
> IIRC, his deeath is merely reported, knot seen. Besides, he has
> kindred (and a widow) who cloud take revenge (even if I don't see
> Psiegel as the revenge type -- more the "We Are the World" type).
Personally, I think Spiegel will enjoy Draino and decide to stay there
once the war with the Delzerothians is resolved (incidentally, one of
the protagonists - Prince Armadillo - is from Delzeroth, as is his
twin brother, Dr. Imrahil). I predict that Spiegel will settle down
with a nice young law-orc and elect not to return to Muddle-earth.
(Digression: LAWCRAFT is one of my favorite games.
"Tort complete. Ready-to-sue!"
Paralegal is researching: Eople vs. Mediev)
> > >> I have not followed the rage for killing off major characters ...:-]
> > > Ah. You have also learned from previous happenstances?
> >
> > Yes! Henceforth we kill only MINOR characters!
> > (Only, we kill them in their thousands, nesupasu?)
>
> E-text bloodbath!
W**H**!
> > I started mine fater the Count's, and I think it's prolly one of the
> > five longest.
>
> I think you maz have reached a record.
Fro length or fro sheer insanity?
(Or better xxet, fro both?)
> And this psot of yours soemhoo has knot mdae ti to Goolge:
>
> >Menel...@mailandnews.com (Count Menelvagor) writes:
>
> >>"Ojevind Lang" <ojevin...@swipnet.se> wrote in message news:<1RG48.6668$O5.1...@nntpserver.swip.net>...
>
> >>yah, I thought I'd make Gullible Gandy's agenyt; give him a
> >>motivation.
>
> >Ironically enough, amidst all the upheaval, I managed to keep that
> >lille tolp tiwst intact!
>
> Ah, gald *smoethnig* survived fo my cahpter ...:-] I wloud hvae
> preferred ot keep Sam and Gull together, and Frodo apart as per Salo
> and my chapters, but ... wlel, let me re-read your chapter afore
> judging it. At least you mamanged to get soem amuzzlling flyting
> between the hobbits ("you scumbag" etc.) out of it ...
Ve hav vays of makink you talk!
Sharp-Fuzi, if by chance you are reading this: I would like to see Sam
use the Phial during his, er, "interrogation sessions" in the
Scouring. For instance:
"Do you see this sign? `Leniency for those who confess. Severity for
those who resist.' There are two kinds of confession, Grima: a tube
of toothpaste or a faucet. With toothpaste, the confessor sometimes
has to be squeezed a little bit or he forgets to keep confessing.
With a faucet, all it takes is ONE HARD TWIST, and it all comes
out..."
(This scene brought to you by the Clutural Threevolution Historical
Society of Balrog Cuttings, TEUNC.)
> Bha, I still think the bit I cut out, whjere Sauron turns Frodo into
> Catapin Mordor, was funny ...
Sure, but things could still go either way at this juncture.
Notice I didn't specify who Sam ended up feeding the Ring to!
(If erratic behavior is indicative of swallowing the One Ring, as the
Good Professor conjectured, I think ANY of the three might have it.)
At nay rate, this too shall pass, as they say.
> And I deny the slavery and pen eraser bit; I don't crae if it *is* in
> the e-text, it didn't ahppen!;-]
Revisinoist.
> >Welp, there are a FEW more TEUNCisms (and a cameo I think y'all will
> >like, in the spirit of, er, "tourism promotion").
>
> Cught the UFAT BIT (lollo), and wlil havae to loonk for teh others
> when I reread (for Index of Nmaes and SD pruposes).
Welp, the Castle Tents put in a cameo (I'm surprised Uncle Oje hasn't
memarked on it as xxet; even Sirkku's is there). You might recognize
a few regulars lounging about there. ;-)
Aslo, Dan Simmons's Shrike (Hyperion/Endymion) appears a couple of
times, once in Frodo's nughtmare... again, I've given it a familiar
title in the E-t...
>>> Fat Lord, of curse, is what thew Mordorians call Gnadlaf (if it is
>>> Gandalf, indeed ..)
>>
>> Welp, I think VI.2 has daqueetly explained it.
>
> YThe eople who came from the fufture bgourht flokarini with them?
Quite possibly, but I was referring to "if it is Gandalf, indeed". If
Corbin is telling the truth, it is NOT indeed Gandalf.
And to think, all these years that Galadriel, Don Celeborno, El Rond,
and (the real) Gandalf have sat on the Wide Council, they haven't once
stopped to wonder why it was so named!
(Perhaps Steuard or Tamf can explain how Aruman managed to bamboozle
even the Istar, who presumably wasn't as susceptible to the effects of
the mind-muddling drug /shrerama/ as the Derini - er, I mean, Eldar
are...)
> >Read 'em and weep (with laughter, joy, or in reneast, I leave to
> you)! 8-)
>
> I didn't weep, but I did chortle a bit ...
Gald to hear it!
>>> that I haven't doen already! Myah'ah'ah'ah'ah!
>>
>> He said /sotto voce/ [*]
>>
>> [*] Blarong fro "none too subtly"
>
> Catually, waht I ddi was pretty mild.
Sans doute, sans doute.
I look forward to seeing what actually happens with Felonarielle.
--
Banazir
Count Tildanor the Balrog
> conteop...@gmx.net (Count Tildanor the Balrog) wrote in message news:<25c6bea2.02022...@posting.google.com>...
> > bh...@ringil.cis.ksu.edu (William H. Hsu) wrote in message news:<a4srj5$ddk$1...@ringil.cis.ksu.edu>...
>
> > Ah, wlel we doxx't wreallz know if tish Corbin fellow is tlelting teh
> > rtuth or knot, do we?:-]
>
> Personally, I think he is, mais, I am noly the author of one cahpter
> of the E-Text (wlokay, three, but that's neither here nor there).
>
> Actually, it's rather amusing to reflect on J.R.R. Tolkien's remark
> (that Treebeard is only a character in his story and doesn't know the
> facts as well as he does). It would appear that the E-text has a life
> of its own and that our characters (having continuity beyond the time
> they spend in our hands) may, indeed, know MORE of the facts than we
> do!
>
Y'know .. if we could only get our hands on the Tlaking Fox, I have a
feeling we woiuld understnasd everything ...
> > > >He may be splattered all over Mount Viagra, or he may plug the entrance
> > > >just in time to *prevent* the Ring from being dropped in, or he may pick
> > > >up his old schemes.
> > >
> > > This is even more plausible.
> >
> > I like the plu-gin idea.
>
> Hühü, perhaps he can STAY in the caldera, too!
> For all time, even...
Soudns goond to me ... or he can get blown into outer space ...
>
> > > > But if Gorbush learns of the massacre of the orc-village and
> > > >Gandalf's part in it --- who knows, it may have been the home village of
> > > >Gorbush. :-)
> > >
> > > It's a moot p6int now, as Gorbush has gone to that big Orc-Hold in the...
> > > um, Whatever.
> >
> > IIRC, his deeath is merely reported, knot seen. Besides, he has
> > kindred (and a widow) who cloud take revenge (even if I don't see
> > Psiegel as the revenge type -- more the "We Are the World" type).
>
I recalled wrong. But the murder of Gorbush would seem to cast doubt
on the gnu characters' "goond" credentials ...
> Personally, I think Spiegel will enjoy Draino and decide to stay there
> once the war with the Delzerothians is resolved (incidentally, one of
> the protagonists - Prince Armadillo - is from Delzeroth, as is his
> twin brother, Dr. Imrahil). I predict that Spiegel will settle down
> with a nice young law-orc and elect not to return to Muddle-earth.
>
Sound sabout right ... but one never knows. I'm curious as to her
ultimate fate.
> > > I started mine fater the Count's, and I think it's prolly one of the
> > > five longest.
> >
> > I think you maz have reached a record.
>
> Fro length or fro sheer insanity?
> (Or better xxet, fro both?)
I think the title of craziest is up for grabs!:-]
> Ve hav vays of makink you talk!
As Shelob used to say when Sauron was late form "work."
>
> Sharp-Fuzi, if by chance you are reading this: I would like to see Sam
> use the Phial during his, er, "interrogation sessions" in the
> Scouring. For instance:
>
> "Do you see this sign? `Leniency for those who confess. Severity for
> those who resist.' There are two kinds of confession, Grima: a tube
> of toothpaste or a faucet. With toothpaste, the confessor sometimes
> has to be squeezed a little bit or he forgets to keep confessing.
> With a faucet, all it takes is ONE HARD TWIST, and it all comes
> out..."
>
> (This scene brought to you by the Clutural Threevolution Historical
> Society of Balrog Cuttings, TEUNC.)
>
Lenindil, unlike Lenin, didn't need the Cheka ...
> (If erratic behavior is indicative of swallowing the One Ring, as the
> Good Professor conjectured, I think ANY of the three might have it.)
That explains characters' apparent incocsistencies ... In fact, all
the improbable changes in motivationa dn plot twists in the e-t. were
caused by the One Ring!
>
> At nay rate, this too shall pass, as they say.
>
> > And I deny the slavery and pen eraser bit; I don't crae if it *is* in
> > the e-text, it didn't ahppen!;-]
>
> Revisinoist.
>
"Scholarly Debates concerning Sauron" (Mazbe when, eventually, I do
the extra Sauron struff (in additon to his Diary), that can be part of
it.
> > >Welp, there are a FEW more TEUNCisms (and a cameo I think y'all will
> > >like, in the spirit of, er, "tourism promotion").
> >
> > Cught the UFAT BIT (lollo), and wlil havae to loonk for teh others
> > when I reread (for Index of Nmaes and SD pruposes).
>
> Welp, the Castle Tents put in a cameo (I'm surprised Uncle Oje hasn't
> memarked on it as xxet; even Sirkku's is there). You might recognize
> a few regulars lounging about there. ;-)
>
Yes, I did! Love it!
> (Perhaps Steuard or Tamf can explain how Aruman managed to bamboozle
> even the Istar, who presumably wasn't as susceptible to the effects of
> the mind-muddling drug /shrerama/ as the Derini - er, I mean, Eldar
> are...)
Weelp, he flloed Sauron, too ... Aruman's a clever customer.