Book 2 chap 2
Carl Blondin
friggin book.
This chapter is dedicated to all the beer bellies in Quebec.
-----------------------------
The Council of El Rond
As they entered the room, Frodo though he noticed that all present
rather felt the same as he did, what with all the deformed faces the
greeted him and all the spinning going about. Most of those present
Frodo knew already. The others were: Giggly the dwarf, Gloin's son (he
had earned his name since he couldn't stop giggling whenever he is
excited for what ever reason), an elf clad all
in flashy green was called Lego-lass. She was a messenger from her
father Thranduil, and had a slightly plastic shine to her skin and
rather squarish edges to her features. Further along, there was a man
that El Rond introduced as Boromir(tm). He was dressed as for riding,
and was sporting a helm of ancient design, simple and black, surmounted
with two round protusions. He also carried a small pocket sized silver
tipped horn on his belt. It seemed as if it had been bigger at one
point, but had been cloven down to this size. As if a weird
coincidence, Boromir(tm) was the only one sporting a red shirt, all the
others being dressed in yellow. Besides that, there were many from El
Rond's house hold and representatives of other elven lords. And in a
corner Frodo saw Arwen. As soon as he saw her he said: "What are you
doing here? Get out of here you have no role, and stop trying to get
more for the upcoming movie!" At this Arwen replied: "Daaaaad, can I
stay please say I can, I really do want a bigger role in that movie. I
promise I'll be nice girl and I won't touch any weapons for the next
month
if you let me stay." 'Out you go' said El Rond, 'Frodo is right you have
nothing to do in this scene.' She went out and bashed in a stool that
was
in her way without thinking much about it. After she slammed the door,
all heard a carnage going on outside, and El Rond knew he would have to
redecorate once again.
***
We will not delve into the the details of what was told at this council,
for if we did, it would not only be those who were present who would be
sleeping on it.
At the start, Gloin rambled on and on about how the dwarves wanted to
regain Moira, and that the dwarves who left to find Moira probably lost
their way since they were never heard from again. He also talked about
a horseman with a most charming voice who came by to pay them a visit at
the Lonely Mountain. He was asking about a ring, and was so desperate
of getting it back that he offered his special services for it. The
dwarves not looking the horse in the mouth (had they, they would've
found him with an extremely bad breath and would've refused the offer)
accepted, but never told him they didn't have the particular ring.
However, the stranger not being able to differentiate between the male
and female dwarves left in utter dismay, without having provided
services to anyone.
Afterwards, El Rond recounted the story of the finger cutting, where
Sauron was mad at Gil-Gallamine for not faling under the seductive power
of the Ring. 'Gil-Gallamine not liking to be given the finger, cut off
Sauron's finger and thus started the battle of the Gladden Fields. As
this was happening, Elendil, being peace loving as he was, tried to
prevent Gil-Gallamine from cutting Sauron's finger, but he tripped on
his sword Narsil and broke it at the same time. After this war there
has
always been some petty unorganised squabbles going on, since Sauron had
been flushed down the etheral drain. Eventually, Gil-Gallamine
disapeared with his ring, he never came back from a barn where a gal was
waiting for him. He did not suspect that it was an orcish gal, when he
found
out, he tried running away, but he fell in the river Sirion and never
came back up, he should've learnt how to swim. Only myself, Othar, and
Cirdan know this story, for we alone saw him drown, we tried to find his
body and the ring, but we never did.'
'Wait a minute' said Frodo, 'I thought your name was El Rond not Othar,
what's
going on here?'.
'Yes well, both are my name. Othar is my original name, but after the
Battle of the Gladden fields, I stopped excercising and gave heed to
prowesses of the mind only. After a while, I grew soft, then flabby,
and I eventually developped a Dorwinion Wine belly. At this point, our
dear friend Gandalf started calling me round in whatever language he
could, and let me tell you he knows a lot. The name that finally stuck
to me was actully "The Circle" in a half forgotten language called
Québécois French. It sounds just like "eehhh L ron", but it's writtten
El Rond. But I digress, Boromir(tm) can you tell us what is going on in
Gondor(tm)?'
'I came looking for help, the armies out of Mordor are getting stronger,
but it's not the number that are defeating us. Some times dark riders
will come with the armies. These dark riders have been known to start
tapping their feet to a rythm, dance a weird dance and then start
laughing at one of theirs. The one being laughed at is the only one who
doesn't dance, and he looks rather sheepish when the others do. When
they aren't doing their dance thing, those dark riders will get
everybody feeling at least somewhat romantic, and noone wants to fight
anymore, except for the orcs which seem to have rather violent mating
practices. There was also a poem that me and my brother Faramir(tm)
heard in our dreams. We talked about it to our father Denethor(tm) and
he told us to go and talk to the lore master El Rond about it. Here's
how the poem goes:
'Seek for the sword that tripped it's master
One from the household of the round one will take note
Shares there they shall muster
Stronger than the nazdaq-quote
There shall be shown a token
That doom is near at hand
For Isildur's shame shall waken
And the midgets low shall stand'
At these words, Frodo and Bilbo felt an urge to stand up, which they
did, but they sat right back down before anyone could see them under the
ledge of the table.
'I now understand part of it' said Boromir(tm), 'but there is still much
left unexplained.'
'You shall learn more', Aragorn said weakly, 'Here is the sword that
tripped it's master and broke in the process and it shall be reforged.
Hopefully it will bring more luck to it's current master: me.'
To properly present him El Rond said:'This is Aragorn, son of dim-witted
Arathorn, head-honcho of the Rangers of the North and direct descendant
of Isildur.'
'Yes and the ring belongs to me, not to you Frodo, I'd like to have it
back.'
'It doesn't belong to either of you' replied Gandalf, 'but just by the
fact that you want the ring, it is safer for it, for Arwen, and for all
womenfolk if it remains with Frodo.'
Then Gandalf stopped talking, roused most of the council
members and asked both Bilbo and Frodo to tell their stories as fast as
possible so that none would have time fall asleep before he got to say
his most important part of the story. This they did, and Frodo skipped
the whole of the Casiopea Took episode, not wishing to be embarassed by
to much questioning.
When both Hobbits were done, Gandalf started rambling on about how he
had entered the Necromancer's dongeons, and how he found out it was
actually Sauron and there were no undeads in the fortress. Then he
spoke of Aruman's opposition to kick Sauron out and how he finally
managed to convince him, so with a little help from the White Council,
he managed to kick Sauron out. The he said how he found out that
Bilbo's ring was the all seducing Ring. He was also pretty proud of
time when he threw Bilbo's ring into melted chocolate, and when he took
it out there was written in a fine script on it: "Eat me to be tall"
(Frodo being asleep at this time of Gandalf's self centered narative did
not hear that important peice of advice) He also mentioned that some of
the information he knew came from a little creature called Gulible,
since he believed anything said to him. The only frustrating part with
getting information out of Gulible was that he kept interrupting his
speech to lament on his lost power of seduction, but aside from that he
was quite a character. An other point which Gandalf did not understand
in
Gulible's speech was his constant reference to his lost precious, he
surmised it must have been his make up or something.
After this, Gandalf recounted how he had found out that Aruman was a
traitor. He had met Radagast who told him that dark skinned horsemen
were in the Shire and Aruman knew they were somehow tied to Sauron, so
he asked Galdalf to come to compare notes on them. So Gandalf said that
he went to talk to Aruman and willingly let himself be captured by
Aruman, who actually wanted to get the Ring for his own sinister
purposes. However, Gabdalf said he had arranged for Gwaihir Lord of the
Eagles to rescue him and leave him in Edoras, land of the horse lords.
Once there, Gandalf wanted to see the King to get the permission to
borrow a horse, but the King was not there,so Gandalf started singning:
Lundi matin Gandalf, son baton et son p'tit aigle
Sont venu chez moi pour m'emprunter un ch'val
Mais comme j'étais pas là
Le petit aigle a dit
Puisque c'est comme ça nous reviendrons mardi.
Most of the Rohirrims around looked at him and though him kind of
senile, so Gandalf stopped singing and actually left with a horse and
left the King a message. It said that Gandalf had borrowed his fastest
horse, since he was in great need of speed, and that he would return
Cable Connection eventually. After a little detour looking for Frodo,
Gandalf came back to Rivendell, and that was the end of his story.
Bilbo, the only one still awake, nudged El Rond, who cleared his throat
and woke the others by the same occasion. 'Yes, then' he said 'it is
clear we have no choice but to destroy the Ring to get rid of Sauron'.
'But why shouldn't we use the Ring ourselves' objected Boromir(tm) 'We
could seduce the orcs and get them to fight on our side! We could get
Gondor(tm) to prevail!' 'Haven't you listened to anything that was
said?' asked Gandalf 'Even you informed us that the orcs were fairly
violent when your men feel romantic, this is simply because the standard
practice among orcs is to be fairly violent and eat human flesh in their
mating ritual. There is noway any of us would be powerful enough to
prevent them from doing this.'
'We thus return to the destruction of the Ring' said Nestor, chief
butler of the household of El Rond, 'Who has the strenght to take the
Ring to the Fire which made it?'
'The eagles!' shouted Gloin, 'The eagles could do it by air within a few
days!'
As he shouted, Bilbo ducked to cover under the table, covering his head
with his hands and looking alarmingly towards the ceiling. Seeing all
the quizical glances turned towards him, Bilbo explained that it was a
habit he had developped near the end of his first adventure, but would
not give any details. In the ensuing confusion, everyone forgot about
Gloin's suggestion.
While everybody was deep in thoughts about who should go, Gloin repeated
his suggestion, with the expected results, but this time Lego-lass
answered him:'I saw the eagles on my way here, they said that they would
be delayed because of turbulent air masses. They also said that they
knew how urgent it was for whoever wsa to leave with the ring to leave,
so they would try and find him in the wild to bear him with all due
speed to his goal.' So everybody fell back in deep thoughts.
At this moment, Fordo woke up and exclaimed:'I need a deferment!!!'
'A yes, I remember your linsignificant friend Pipsqueak mentioning this'
replied El Rond. 'I will give you your deferement in exchange for a
little service...' Then El Rond went into a complex story that
completely confused Frodo so he agreed to sign the paper eventhough it
instatly transfered all of his assets to El Rond as soon as he claimed
his new estate. El Rond also composed an other letter giving Frodo 10
years to claim his estate (he wanted to be on the safe side, you never
know with absent minded hobbits...). But all this El Rond did on one
condition, that Frodo would bring his Ring to the fire where ot had been
made and that he would cast it into it. All of the conditions were
accepted by Frodo, so he was given a few tips and pointers for his
journey, hte main one being to fear and be extremely careful around the
fire, for it was in a mountain called Mount Viagra.
'But you can't let him go alone' cried Sam who had been eavesdropping
while doing a bit of gardening outside the window.
'No we can't, and you at least will go with him' said El Rond.
'A nice pickle we've landed ourselves in' said Sam, 'A nice pickle, and
that's a fact.'
------------------------
Hope you all enjoyed it.
Carl
O. Sharp
Very very condensed! I feel like I've just been through the Evelyn Wood
speed-reading course. :)
"Lego-lass"... <smirk> ...squarish features, indeed! And round
protruberances too, I suppose...
--------------------------------------------------------------------
o...@netcom.com I take it she's unattached?
Prembone
<cbl...@po-box.mcgill.ca> wrote:
>
>
>"Öjevind Lång" wrote:
>> LOL! I for some reason was very amused by Gandalf singing a
ditty in French.
>
>That was a list minute inspiration that I'm pretty happy about.
I'd be even happier if you'd translate for those of us who don't
speak French, except in the "pardon my French" sense. ;-)
Nice bit with "L Rond." All you need is Old Mother Hubbard (but
she sailed, didn't she?) and it would be complete.
I can hardly wait to see what happens on Mount Viagra... "Oh,
the pain, the pain..." -- Dr. Smith, I presume? Or should that
be, "Oh, the puns, the puns..."? Same difference, in this case.
Prembone
--
God was my co-pilot, but our plane crashed in the mountains
and I had to eat him.
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Carl Blondin
Prembone wrote:
>
> In article <3942A0C5...@po-box.mcgill.ca>, Carl Blondin
> <cbl...@po-box.mcgill.ca> wrote:
> >
> >
> >"Öjevind Lång" wrote:
> >> LOL! I for some reason was very amused by Gandalf singing a
> ditty in French.
> >
> >That was a list minute inspiration that I'm pretty happy about.
>
> I'd be even happier if you'd translate for those of us who don't
> speak French, except in the "pardon my French" sense. ;-)
As Ojevind said, it's a ditty, so it won't be the same, but I'll
translate the meaning:
Monday morning, Gandalf his staff and his little eagle
Came by my place to borrow a horse
But since I wasn't there, the little eagle said
Since it's this way we'll just come back Tuesday.
The original dity goes like this:
Monday morning, the king, his wife and little prince
came by my place to shake hands
But since I wasn't there, the little prince said
Since it is this way we'll just come back Tuesday.
It doesn't make musch sense, but it doesn't really mater, it served it's
purpose.
>
> Nice bit with "L Rond." All you need is Old Mother Hubbard (but
> she sailed, didn't she?) and it would be complete.
>
> I can hardly wait to see what happens on Mount Viagra... "Oh,
> the pain, the pain..." -- Dr. Smith, I presume? Or should that
> be, "Oh, the puns, the puns..."? Same difference, in this case.
Glad you liked that part.
Carl
>
China Blue Board
/ speak French, except in the "pardon my French" sense. ;-)
I understand Quebequois has drifted a little of the mother tongue, but
shouldn't be "Le Rond"? "El" is spanish.
--
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Carl Blondin
China Blue Board wrote:
>
> / I'd be even happier if you'd translate for those of us who don't
> / speak French, except in the "pardon my French" sense. ;-)
>
> I understand Quebequois has drifted a little of the mother tongue, but
> shouldn't be "Le Rond"? "El" is spanish.
In higher class yes. If you know your IPA, this is pronounced as eol
(the eo bieng stuck togother). This is an instance of a word that
probably appeared in joual (montreal slang) and it moved all the way up
to everyday use for most settings and speakers. Yes, LE would be the
correct form, but EL has an elision in the rponunciation.
I hope you understood that.
Carl