Book II, Chapter 3
Raven
Here's chapter 3 of Book II of the E-text: The Lords of the Ring.
I have emailed my text in HTML-format to Steuard and Sharp. That
format supports bold text and italics, but I will post only plain text
to the NG's. Since plaintext does not support those text formats, I
have used *bold* and ~italics~. The Tildes therefore do not mark
explicitly sexual material (to Prem's chagrin and Andúril's delight?),
but surround words and passages intended to be in italics.
If you lot enjoy reading this half as much as I did writing it, I
shall call myself a successful parody author.
Steuard, if you still have some slots free in Book IV, I would like
one.
=====================================================
Later that day, after a couple of dinners, the hobbits held a
meeting in Bilbo's room. Morrie and Pipsqueak were angry when they
heard that Sam, having been eavesdropping outside the Council, had
been chosen as Frodo's companion.
"It's so unfair," said Pipsqueak between two seed-cakes. "Instead
of cutting off his ears as a warning to the lower classes against
listening in on their betters, El Rond ~rewards~ him for his
presumption!" Morrie had explained to Pipsqueak about the
freely-growing Cannabis Sativa probably found in the South, and
Pipsqueak was as eager to go there as Morrie was.
"We should all go," said Bilbo. "Winter is coming on, and spending
it under a warm sun would do my old bones quite a favour.
~When the North Wind rules the land
and sleeting snows tear face like sand
when Sun is seen an hour a day
'tis best to be quite far away.~
Not that it is cold and drafty in El Rond's House; quite the contrary.
But the out-houses are just that - out-houses, and not heated."
The Hobbits spent several weeks at Rivendell, wondering why it took
so long to decide who were to go South with Frodo and Sam, and so long
to get started. But they didn't fret. For one thing, Frodo consented
to lending the Ring to his hobbit friends now and again, including to
Bilbo on one occasion. Since hobbits are so singularly capable of
sneaking, unseen and unheard, El Rond never found out about it. Nor
did Gandalf, which would have been disastrous: wizards are wed to
celibacy in a way far more fundamental than Frodo had been until
recently, and he would have been certain in his envy to direct El
Rond's attention towards the adventurous hobbits' adventures. Luckily
the deceptively perceptive wizard was busy in conference with El Rond
most of the time. Occasional nightly clinking of glass and sagging,
blood-shot eyes in the mornings indicated to the hobbits what the two
were sometimes conferring about. Strider was gone, officially in the
company of El Rond's two *sons*. Where Arwen was, nobody knew.
Officially.
Still, autumn was fading into winter. The nights outside became
crisp and cloudless, and ghoulishly cold upon the bare earth; and they
became long. When it was not Frodo's turn to have the Ring, he often
stood outside watching the stars. Particularly the constellation of
Cassiopeia intrigued him, having nearly the same name as someone he
had known (or tried to know). One of the elves told him that the
constellation was supposedly the ~throne~ of the beautiful princess
Cassiopeia, but the recently awakened Frodo quietly disagreed.
One day he asked Gandalf about the Ring. "Why is it that the Ring
confers invisibility only to some who wear it? I become invisible,
Bilbo became invisible, but I noticed that Sam did not on the occasion
when he lent it."
Gandalf shrugged. "It's just the way of the Ring," he said. "Some
become invisible, some do not." He refrained from offering his
opinion: since the Ring was a tool of seduction, it would confer
invisibility to those with faces like last week's manure with maggots
in it. Those with plain or even beautiful faces would not need their
features to be hidden from the eyes of the seductees.
"Are you coming too," asked Frodo.
"I believe I am, but I am not sure," replied the wizard.
Frodo, who was not altogether thrilled at the prospect, asked: "Why
should you go?"
"To keep an eye on the Ring, of course, and the Bearer." But
Gandalf did not reveal the secret reasons why both he, El Rond, and
Aragon were so eager to see the Ring destroyed:
To Gandalf, forced to remain celibate by his profession, the Ring
would be but a penis-ring, tormenting him with its very availability
while it existed, and the opportunities it offered. El Rond suspected
what was happening in his House by the power of the Ring. His wife
being long gone, he disliked the thought of other people getting what
was no longer available to him. And as for Aragon, he hated and
feared the thought that it might come between himself and Arwen.
The hobbits had spent the most pleasant two months of their lives
in the House of El Rond, when the scouts began to return. Travelling
undercover, they had searched diligently for the ~nazdaq~, but neither
they nor the G-men of Sauron had been found. Only those who had gone
West brought tidings of trouble, from The Forsaken Inn, from Bree and
from the Shire, where irate mobs were searching high and (most often)
low for Frodo and his companions. But since they were not heading
home, this did not trouble them much as yet.
El Rond summoned them to him. He looked searchingly at Frodo, who
returned an innocent look. "The time has come," he said. "It is high
time that the Ring leave this house. Not just you, but the Ring also.
We agreed, remember?"
"Yes," sighed Frodo. "I will go with Sam."
"Then I must appoint your companions," said El Rond.
"How about Sam, Margarita, and young Findu-lass", thought Frodo,
but he was wise enough not to think it aloud.
El Rond said: "Nine shall you be: Nine Walkers, to oppose the Nine
Nazdaq men, who are evil. With you, as your leader, shall Gandalf
go." Unspoken: "...to keep an eye on you, that you don't slip out of
our agreement." Spoken: "For the rest, I shall appoint members of the
other Free Peoples: Elves, Dwerrows, and Men."
"And Women," said Arwen, who was standing a little away. El Rond
ignored her routinely.
"With you shall go Lego-lass for the Elves and Giggly for the
Dwerrows. Two Men shall go: Aragon and Boromir. Boromir has fought
Sauron before, and knows the procedures of his police force."
Unspoken: "And I really need to get Aragon away from my daughter." El
Rond did not know how patently too late that was.
"That leaves two," said Frodo. "I know that Morrie and Pipsqueak
are willing." ~Oh yes, both willing and able~.
"And I am willing to send them," replied El Rond darkly. Morrie
snickered behind his face, with practiced skill.
The Sword of Elendil was reforged by Elvish smiths. Not only did
they put the two pieces together, which requires great skill if the
joint is to be as strong as if the blade were newly-forged, but with
the improvements in metallurgy which had been make during the
millennia, they shaved a pound and a half off its weight, yet leaving
the blade far stronger and less brittle than it had been before.
In Bilbo's room the old hobbit was busy giving Frodo advice. Frodo
was busy feigning attentiveness: Bilbo was now an old hobbit, and he
still had a bit of fortune.
"What about that sword of yours," Frodo said suddenly. "Mine broke
when I was cutting a slice of bread with it, and since you are not
coming, you won't need yours."
"Forget it, young rascal," answered Bilbo. "It's been with me for
a long time, and it's dear to me."
"And your mail-shirt?"
"Frodo, my lad! Why are you trying to get worldly things out of
me? Don't you know that advice is the best that a hobbit of my age
can give to you?" Then he continued lecturing Frodo on the merits of
stealth and burgling. With his mouth Frodo said: "I cannot even begin
to thank you for this store of wisdom that you give to me."
In reply, Bilbo sang:
~I lie upon my bed and miss
the things that I have done
with every lovely lass I've kissed
and more - with every one.
I walk upon the fragrant grass
recalling seasons gone
recalling everything that was
recalling actions done.
I look into the fire and see
myself when I was strong.
Whatever will become of me
at death? That won't be long.
I look into my room and there
are many things I stole.
But now I have a mounting fear:
a six feet, yawning hole~.
Thus singing, he suddenly nodded off. Frodo, taking some of
Bilbo's advice, helped himself to what Bilbo had refused to give him,
and tiptoed out of the room.
It was a cold evening in the cold end of December when the Company
set out. Only the four hobbits were (moderately) high-spirited: their
mood had been boosted by much that had been given them, without El
Rond's knowledge, although they of course regretted having to leave
those givers behind. Boromir had another way to improve his spirits.
He raised his horn. "Always before setting out on a journey I do
this," he said. He put his horn to his lips. Then, "glug glug glug."
He grinned. "You didn't seriously think that I use this horn to play
music or battle-blasts, did you," he said as he refilled it from El
Rond's farewell barrel of Margarita. Gandalf looked at him
appraisingly: wizards, too, like to have stores of liquor with them;
and the store in Gandalf's huge wizard's hat was enough to float a
boat, or in other words, almost his fill for one evening.
"You said that we were to be nine, Master El Rond," said Frodo.
"But here is Gates the ass with us, and that makes ten. We really
should leave him here. I'll go down to three silver pennies."
El Rond just looked at the animal in disgust. To Frodo: "You do
not have three silver pennies." Actually Frodo did have more than
that, recently aquired; but he was not going to let El Rond (or Bilbo)
know this. El Rond addressed the Company.
"The Ring-bearer is setting out on the Quest of Mount Viagra. Only
on him is any charge laid: neither to cast the Ring away, nor let any
outside the Company or myself handle it, nor sell it. The rest of the
Company may follow him as long as chance allows or their travelling
cheques last."
Now many cheerless days and weeks followed. They made camp during
the day, lighting no fire, hiding from spies and elil. During the
dark hours they walked as swiftly as they could, stopping only to pass
hraka now and again. The icy wind made that very uncomfortable. They
always buried their hraka, to leave as few traces as possible for elil
to follow. Without Gandalf's Margarita, which he grudgingly doled out
on rare occasions, the others would have found the journey unbearable.
Their first serious adventure after leaving Rivendell happened one
evening, when they saw a knight come thundering towards them from
behind a nearby rock. Another followed swiftly behind; he bore a
spear in his left hand, and his right one was missing. They were
riding rather fast horses, and couching his spear, the foremost one
aimed it at Lego-lass. "Ai, ai, Sir Breuse Sans Pité is come," she
cried. But Aragon leaped towards the approaching knight, beheading
his horse with his sword. Sir Breuse tumbled to the ground. The
other knight couched his spear with some left-handed difficulty and
aimed it at Aragon, but Boromir leaped forward, cutting of his
remaining hand. "As Sir Blyaunte cut off Sir Bartelot's right hand,
so I have cut off his left one," said Boromir.
Morrie, true to his character, leaped forwards and aimed a savage
kick at the stunned and prostrate man's voonerables. Immediately the
tittering of the other hobbits and the pain in his toes made him
realize that, when kicking a man's voonerables, waiting until that man
has had his bloody plate armour removed is a good idea. Especially
when you are a barefooted hobbit, and not a heavily-booted little man
of the Night Watch. He shot a venomous glance at Pipsqueak. "Eat
hraka, *Pipkin*!" Pipsqueak stopped laughing immediately, clenching
his fists and baring his front teeth.
In the meantime, Aragon had unlaced the fallen man's helmet and
beheaded him. And some miles behind them, a female figure looked at
her fiancé with surprised appraise. "So there is some spunk in that
clod after all," she thought to herself.
"Who was that man," asked Pipsqueak.
"That was Sir Breuse Sans Pité," replied Boromir. "The worst
coward and murderer who ever put a 'Sir' before his name. He
especially enjoyed killing ladies. Aragon must have avenged a whole
schoolful of them with that stroke."
"What does 'Breuse Sans Pité' mean?"
"It means 'the pitiless bruce'," said Frodo, "unless my Australian
is off the mark."
As the Company settled under their blankets after that night's
march, Morrie heard Sam singing, a single line:
~...for he knew his toes could feel it...~
An almost inaudible snickering told him that Frodo and Pipsqueak
had also heard that.
Some days later they saw the Misty Mountains marching almost
straight across their path. Nearly due south three mountains arose
above the main ridge. Giggly began to smile warmly.
"There they stand, the three mountains of Moira," he giggled. "Oh,
Khazad-Mum, the Dwerrow-wench, who is called the Golden Pit. Above
her house stand the three peaks erect: Barazinbar the Hardhorn,
Zirak-Zigil the Silverthrust, and Bundushathûr the Risinghead. Long
has she been absent from her house, we know not where though we know
why."
"Why," asked Pipsqueak.
"She was the undying wife of the Dwerrowen kingdom under the three
mountains," replied Giggly. "But then, many lives of ordinary
Dwerrows ago, a terrible menace was awoken as the Dwerrows were
digging in the mines beneath the house. The people were scattered,
and Moira lost."
"The ~wife~ of the Dwerrowen ~kingdom~?" whispered Sam to Frodo.
"Yes, the Dwerrows do tell strange tales concerning their lives and
fates in this world," replied Frodo. "It is nothing compared to the
religious practices of certain pagan peoples of Men."
"It is for the Dim Rill dale between the three mountains that we
are making," said Gandalf. "There is a great ski resort there,on the
west side, where we may rest, and rent skis for the journey across the
pass of the Hardhorn Gate."
"For whose money?" muttered Frodo. "I have none left - that the
others know about, at least. But many have IOU's with my names on
them, both Underhill and Baggins."
The Company started climbing the pass. But soon they noticed that
something was wrong. In the far distance they could see the hotel,
and ski lifts leading upslope from it. There should have been smoke
coming out of the chimneys, and the ski lifts should have been teeming
with activity, as should the snowy slopes. But all was still.
Huffing and puffing with the exertion (especially Gandalf, the heavy
smoker), they reached the front door of the hotel. There was a sign
on it. "Temporarily closed by the health authorities." The sign was
written both in Westron and in the Black Speech of Mordor, and so they
could guess what the real cause and motive were. Steel bars behind
the windows prevented them from burgling their way in. Only Frodo
breathed a sigh of relief, as they plodded on.
Snow began to fall, and so did the temperature. This, however, did
not bother the Company much, except when they had to bare their
backsides to pass hraka in some nook among the cliffs, wiping with
snow that was happily newly-fallen and soft, not composed of hard
sharp grains. Nor were they troubled much by the rising wind, which
made the snow swirl. El Rond had provided them with amply warm
clothes, made of double reindeer skins with the inner layer having the
hairs inwards: a trick learned from the Lossoth. Even the hobbits had
put on soft boots of that make, except Morrie, who wore steel-capped
boots like Strider. Worst was the loss of visibility, but both Aragon
and Gandalf had been that way before, and did not need to see their
road much ahead to follow it. But other perils did the cruel pass
have in store for them.
The wind wailed among the stones. Rocks came crashing down from
the unseen heights above. Gates the ass shivered and gibbered, and
only with threats and continual booting did they get the animal to
move forward. "This is a weather for penguins, not asses," muttered
Sam.
Eerie noises began wailing, shrieking and laughing maniacally.
Exclamation marks came in fives from the darkness around them. The
hobbits grew uneasy. "Is it the ~stallo~ we hear?" asked Pipsqueak.
"Or a sort of ~draug~ of the mountain?" But he was not answered.
Suddenly a gigantic dark figure loomed in the path just before
them. They stopped dead, and two other figures appeared beside the
first one. The dark figures strode forwards, appearing to shrink in
size but becoming sharper as they came closer, until before them stood
three customs officials with leering grins. "I feared this,"
whispered Gandalf. "These roving bands of customs officials and
immigration authorities often haunt this pass. It is difficult to
pass them by." ~Unless you leave them all your liquor and tobacco,
and don't belong to some minority. But who will lose his liquor and
tobacco to these creatures? Certainly not I~.
"So," sneered the foremost figure. "Anything to declare?"
At once the Company began shouting abuse at the obnoxious men in
uniforms.
"Abusing government officials, eh?"
Suddenly Aragon, Boromir and Gandalf leaped forward, Giggly and
Lego-lass following. There was a short, sharp affray, and soon the
customs officials lay bound and gagged beside the path. Morrie, with
his inherited and ferocious animosity towards such creatures, hoped
that their thick greatcoats would not keep them from freezing to death
in the blizzard. He made sure to kick them in the voonerables, hard
and cruelly, this time with boots on, and his victims without plate
armour. Sam was little less hateful towards them, representatives of
an oppressive bourgeois State as he perceived them to be. The same
went for Frodo: he saw them as representatives of Communist oppression
and control of free citizens. The Company helped themselves from the
pockets of the customs officials, and moved on. But the respite was
short. Other such bands lay in wait further up.
"Anything to declare?"
~Sock bam bonk~
~Rummage~
Plod plod plod
"Anything to declare?"
~Sock slam grind ouch~
~Rummage~
Plod plod
"What's in your packs then?"
~Bonk bang oof ding you big oaf~
Soon it became obvious that they could not continue that way.
There were too many such bands, and they increased in size as the
Company ascended towards the crown of the pass that marked the border
between Eregion and Wilderland. Soon, if they continued, they would
be overcome, thrown in the slammer, and have all their contraband
seized. The last few bands of customs officials had looked with scorn
and contempt at the hobbits: "Well what have we here? ~Minorities~?
Look rather ~minor~ to ~me~." ~Sock sock aargh boink bang sod you
chtong - rummage~
They stopped beneath a half-shelf that offered some shelter from
prying eyes. There they spent the remainder of the night, cold but
not altogether cheerless. At least this good had come of their
encounters with the roving bands of customs officials: they had some
loot to examine and divide. It wasn't much. The wandering tribes of
customs officials of the Misty Mountains, while seizing anything in
the possession of anything with a pulse, a flask and a purse, were
equally wont to spending it again swiftly.
It was Morrie who discovered the most valuable treasure. As he,
his back towards the rest of the Company, was rummaging through some
of the take, he found a little plastic bag with some dust in it.
Great was his pleasure when he discovered it to be a teaspoonful of
Vala dust, a very powerful narcotic. Great was his chagrin when, as
he was gloating over his prize, Pipsqueak, peering over his shoulder,
gleefully announced his find to the others in that loud, high-pitched
voice of his. Morrie was forced to share. It was something which he
had never understood the point in - when it was his belongings being
shared.
Gandalf forbade the Company to use any of the precious dope at that
time and place. "We are high enough up as it is," he said.
"I wasn't going to use it myself," Morrie sulked. "*Some* of us
know how dangerous that stuff is."
Morning came, revealing black specks further up the path. Aragon,
experienced smuggler as he was, knew them for more customs officials.
"We cannot go that way," he said. But turning back down, the Company
encountered the largest and fiercest band of customs officials that
they had yet met. Standing a furlong down the path, they grinned
expectantly as the Company approached. Their leader strode forwards.
In his hands were visa waivers, green and menacing, slips of stiff
paper almost like cardboard. "Halt," he said. "You must first fill
in these, if you want to pass."
They took the visa waivers, and wearily they started filling them
out, none too truthfully. The leader of the customs officials watched
them writing, closely. Then he collected the waivers and examined
them.
"Hold!" he shouted. "These are filled out in the wrong colours!
It has to be with yellow ink, signatures in red! You have written the
whole lot in black or blue. At it again!"
Boromir looked at Aragon. Aragon looked at Boromir.
~Crash bang ouch splotch bang slam crack~
~Pant pant~
~Grind kick hate snarl biff sock pant bite sock~
~Pant~
~Rummage~
Finally the road was clear. Green visa waivers, many of them torn
to confetti, lay scattered upon the path or fluttered in the light
wind that came down from the pass.
The Company began descending the path again. The customs officials
of Charadhras had defeated them. This time.
A slender figure slid quietly into hiding between two boulders,
watching them pass by. In her pockets were a few items which the
Company had missed in the dark when rummaging through the belongings
of the customs officials further down
Craban.
Carl Blondin
Raven wrote:
>
>
>
> The Hobbits spent several weeks at Rivendell,
What delayed the eagles during all that time?
wondering why it took
> so long to decide who were to go South with Frodo and Sam, and so long
> to get started. But they didn't fret. For one thing, Frodo consented
> to lending the Ring to his hobbit friends now and again, including to
> Bilbo on one occasion. Since hobbits are so singularly capable of
> sneaking, unseen and unheard, El Rond never found out about it. Nor
> did Gandalf, which would have been disastrous: wizards are wed to
> celibacy in a way far more fundamental than Frodo had been until
> recently, and he would have been certain in his envy to direct El
> Rond's attention towards the adventurous hobbits' adventures.
LOL
>
> "There they stand, the three mountains of Moira," he giggled. "Oh,
> Khazad-Mum, the Dwerrow-wench, who is called the Golden Pit. Above
> her house stand the three peaks erect: Barazinbar the Hardhorn,
> Zirak-Zigil the Silverthrust, and Bundushathûr the Risinghead. Long
> has she been absent from her house, we know not where though we know
> why."
> "Why," asked Pipsqueak.
> "She was the undying wife of the Dwerrowen kingdom under the three
> mountains," replied Giggly. "But then, many lives of ordinary
> Dwerrows ago, a terrible menace was awoken as the Dwerrows were
> digging in the mines beneath the house. The people were scattered,
> and Moira lost."
I really like that part.
> Boromir looked at Aragon. Aragon looked at Boromir.
Just a little spelling notice here, his name is Boromir(tm). It really
important with all those copyright things going on... ;-p
Carl
Steuard Jensen
> Here's chapter 3 of Book II of the E-text: The Lords of the Ring.
Wonderful! :) You've set some good things in motion here, I think, and
I'll look forward to following up on them (hopefully in as timely a
fashion as you did). One question, though: would you mind if O. Sharp
and I added (TM)'s to Boromir's name when it occurs in your chapter?
That seems to have been Carl's intent, anyway, and may or may not be
a useful tidbit for other authors down the road. :) Let us
know... but again, very well done.
Steuard Jensen
P.S. I'm saving the plain text version that you've posted here for my
"text file" links; I'll let O. Sharp post the HTML-friendly version on
his site.
noothan
Raven wrote:
[snip]
Is there any place where I can get the other chapters? They're great
Nathan Danylczuk
Raven
news:AVx15.215$v3.2589@uchinews...
> One question, though: would you mind if O. Sharp
> and I added (TM)'s to Boromir's name when it occurs in your chapter?
No. Though I notice that a Dr. Faramir has been used in one of the
first chapters without the trademark onnit.
Gavran.
Raven
news:AVx15.215$v3.2589@uchinews...
> Wonderful! :) You've set some good things in motion here, I think,
> and I'll look forward to following up on them (hopefully in as
> timely a fashion as you did).
Yes, I have a plan for letting Arwen pursue the Company secretly.
What precisely that plan *is*, I'll let the next writers work out.
Does she covet the Ring herself? Perhaps she knows that her
leather-and-lash outfit with all the metal bits, while turning some
men on, will also turn some others off (I probably would be, but I
have never encountered such a one). Will she take over the role, not
of Éowyn (that rumour in connection with the PJ film was killed soon
enough), but of Gollum/Gullible? Or part of it? Or is she there only
to watch over Aragon, protecting him from harm and/or keeping him from
becoming too friendly with other ladies? Or perhaps she is pulling an
Éowyn - railroading the silly conventions of her time and peer group
that women must stay home and wield the needle, while the men are far
away wielding heavier metal implements, or heavier and thicker
implements in general, anyway?
BTW, will you let the attack of the Wargs be transmogrified into
the attack of Big Fido's wolf wannabe's? Lego-lass' last arrow
plunging burning into the heart of an irate poodle, and later, when
all the dog corpses have disappeared, the shaftless point is found
next to a collar with the name 'Fido' on it? :-) Probably won't, if
you are as impervious to remote control as I fancy myself to be ---
I may have taken away the virginity of Frodo for writers to laugh
about, establishing him as a bisexual (after Prembone established him
as partial to males); I don't really find such ridicule a laughing
matter. But then again I have served poor Gandalf on a silver platter
to the virginity lampoonists...
Hey Prembone, if you get the chance, perhaps you could let someone
do for Gandalf what Tenar did for Ged in number four of the Earthsea
Quartet. A time will (probably) come when Gandalf's labours are done,
you know, as happened for Sparrowhawk. As a woman, don't you have a
little dream of teaching some kind and loveable, but untouched
gentleman this thing so far outside his experience? ~~~~~ :-) Though
of course, Gandalf is not so loveable in our E-text project...
As for 'timely fashion', I got home last Sunday after having been
away since the preceding Tuesday, and downloading most of a week's
posting on the NG's I discovered that all the chapters before mine
were done! Heyup, that was fast! Time for me to get moving! :-)
Ramn.
Jim
mention of Morries motives for going down south :)
I think your chapter linked well with past chapters and gives lots of good
new leads for the next.
The comic violence cracked me up, Aragon chopping horses heads off, and
takeing peoples helmets off to behead them was too funny.
Jim D
Jim
noothan wrote in message <3946D4A2...@home.com>...
>
>Is there any place where I can get the other chapters? They're great
>
Aren't they just.
Belgarad
anymore... but if i can remember, that's not how the story went. But i'm
assuming that's the point. Is someone keeping the whole collection of all
the chapters or something? because i'd like a copy when it's done. And even
if there is a real version i wouldn't mind that one either. Btw... is there
some sort of theme that you guys are following to re-write this? or is it
just however you want it to be? i haven't read much of it so i didn't have
much time to notice any themes. This would all help, and if someone could
put me on the list (if there is one) for a copy of the book when it's
completed that would be awesome.
Belgarad
i found what i was looking for...
Aris Katsaris
Steuard Jensen <sbje...@midway.uchicago.edu> wrote in message
news:AVx15.215$v3.2589@uchinews...
> Quoth "Raven" <jonlenn...@get2net.dk>:
> > Here's chapter 3 of Book II of the E-text: The Lords of the Ring.
>
> I'll look forward to following up on them (hopefully in as timely a
> and I added (TM)'s to Boromir's name when it occurs in your chapter?
> a useful tidbit for other authors down the road. :)
"Do you remember aught of special mark that the Lord Boromir bore with
him?"
"I remember that Boromir had a trademark sign."
"You remember well, and as one who has in truth seen him."
<grin> That would be an interesting chapter for me to write, but if anyone
else gets it, he's obviously free to use the above idea...
Aris Katsaris
Öjevind Lång
[snip]
>
>"Do you remember aught of special mark that the Lord Boromir bore with
>him?"
>"I remember that Boromir had a trademark sign."
>"You remember well, and as one who has in truth seen him."
>
><grin> That would be an interesting chapter for me to write, but if anyone
>else gets it, he's obviously free to use the above idea...
That is a gloriouiddiea. I hope whoever writes that chapter does use it. :-)
Öjevind
Öjevind Lång
> Heyall!
> Here's chapter 3 of Book II of the E-text: The Lords of the Ring.
[snip]
This was a great chapter. Bilbo's poetry, the mention of the improvements in
metallurgy over the millennia, the sendup of "WatershIp Down", the terrible
bands of roving custom officials... I could go on. And lost Moira as the
pinnacle of madness! :-)
Öjevind
Carl Blondin
Raven wrote:
>
> Steuard Jensen <sbje...@midway.uchicago.edu> skrev i en
> news:AVx15.215$v3.2589@uchinews...
>
> > One question, though: would you mind if O. Sharp
> > and I added (TM)'s to Boromir's name when it occurs in your chapter?
> No. Though I notice that a Dr. Faramir has been used in one of the
> first chapters without the trademark onnit.
In which one was it? I totally missed it... :-(
Carl
Steuard Jensen
> "Do you remember aught of special mark that the Lord Boromir bore with
> him?"
> "I remember that Boromir had a trademark sign."
> "You remember well, and as one who has in truth seen him."
That is _beautiful_! I hope that it gets used, whoever gets the
chapter in question. (Perhaps only the actual ruler or heir of
Gondor(TM) needs the sign?)
Steuard Jensen
Carl Blondin
The familly of stewards for it is by this sign that one can recognize
them. As long as they may make a claim to the stewardship of Gondor(tm)
they retain this sign. (otherwise we'll have to add one to Aragon.)
Carl
PaulB
<jonlenn...@get2net.dk> writes:
>Heyall!
> Here's chapter 3 of Book II of the E-text: The Lords of the Ring.
> I have emailed my text in HTML-format to Steuard and Sharp. That
>format supports bold text and italics, but I will post only plain text
>to the NG's. Since plaintext does not support those text formats, I
>have used *bold* and ~italics~. The Tildes therefore do not mark
>explicitly sexual material (to Prem's chagrin and Andúril's delight?),
>but surround words and passages intended to be in italics.
> If you lot enjoy reading this half as much as I did writing it, I
>shall call myself a successful parody author.
>
>
Congratulations then, you are a more than successful parody author!!!
I thought it was great from start to finish, especially the use of customs
officials in place of the wolves.
Breathe
Peace
PaulB
"[The Elves] position, ..., was one of exiles driven forward (against their
will) who were in mind or actual posture ever looking backward." JRRT
"History is an angel being blown backward into the future" — Laurie Anderson
Aris Katsaris
Carl Blondin <cbl...@po-box.mcgill.ca> wrote in message
news:3947C872...@po-box.mcgill.ca...
Dr. Faramir had been referred to without the sign in an early chapter.
There's a discontinuity here - we can either delete the sign after Faramir
from here, or add it back in Book I, Chapter 2... We have to choose one
of the two. I suggest the former (deleting it from The Council of El Rond)
since it's the later chapter...
Aris Katsaris
Öjevind Lång
>
>Raven wrote:
>>
>> Steuard Jensen skrev...
>>
>> > One question, though: would you mind if O. Sharp
>> > and I added (TM)'s to Boromir's name when it occurs in your chapter?
>> No. Though I notice that a Dr. Faramir has been used in one of the
>> first chapters without the trademark onnit.
>
>In which one was it? I totally missed it... :-(
In Book One, Chapter II, written by yours truly. The operative passage goes:
"But yesterday you told me that Sauron thought the ring had been
destroyed."
"I did. He thought it had been thrown into the Cracks of Doom, as should
have happened. Now, however, he knows that it isn't so"
"But how can he have thought any such thing? If the ring had been
destroyed he wouldn't have been around; so he should have realized that the
ring had not been destroyed."
"As I told you, he is a dimwit. He really is incredibly stupid.All the
same, there was a scholarly article in *The Minas Tirith Review* about the
Ring yesterday, written by the learned Dr Faramir. Sauron must have read
that article; he subscribes to an excellent newscutting agency. His
emissaries may be on their way to the Shire at this very moment."
Cheers
Öjevind
"I was excused as a juryman again, for the same old reason, that all the
parties involved are my cousins."
(From "The Diary of a Redneck Jedi")
Öjevind Lång
>
>Carl Blondin wrote in message...
I have another suggestion. Only the Ruling Steward and his heir (Boromir™)
wear that sign after their names. Dr Faramir, as a younger son, does not
wear it.
Öjevind
Carl Blondin
"Öjevind Lång" wrote:
>
> Carl Blondin hath written:
> >
> >Raven wrote:
> >>
> >> Steuard Jensen skrev...
> >>
> >> > One question, though: would you mind if O. Sharp
> >> > and I added (TM)'s to Boromir's name when it occurs in your chapter?
> >> No. Though I notice that a Dr. Faramir has been used in one of the
> >> first chapters without the trademark onnit.
> >
> >In which one was it? I totally missed it... :-(
>
> In Book One, Chapter II, written by yours truly. The operative passage goes:
<snipped passage>
Now I remember. Thanks. I hope my mention of Faramir(tm) doesn't upset
you. If it does I'll ask Steward and O. to change it to Dr. Faramir.
Carl
Carl Blondin
Alright, you wrote the earlier chapter, so youe idea takes precedence
over mine. I'll make sure to let Steward and O. know about it, and I'll
get the Dr. reinstated.
Carl
Raven
news:8i6r08$548$1...@newsg4.svr.pol.co.uk...
> Great chapter Raven, I loved it all, and I was pleased to see you
> slip in a mention of Morries motives for going down south :)
Now let's hope that he doesn't get too disappointed. If the
maryjane grows everywhere, who will buy it from him there? :-)
> The comic violence cracked me up, Aragon chopping horses heads off,
> and takeing peoples helmets off to behead them was too funny.
That was stolen from Malory's "Le Morte d'Arthur", where Sir Breuse
is a recurring character, though rarely deep in the plots. Good to
see that massacrer of women destroyed, though. :-) Glad I
accomplished (let Aragon accomplish) that ---
Harabanar.
Raven
news:oqJ15.2645$rH5....@nntpserver.swip.net...
> This was a great chapter. Bilbo's poetry, the mention of the
> improvements in metallurgy over the millennia, the sendup
> of "WatershIp Down", the terrible bands of roving custom
> officials... I could go on. And lost Moira as the pinnacle of
> madness! :-)
The last band of customs officials, at least, is an exaggeration of
a personal experience of mine. As for Moira, that suggested itself
when the previous writer transmogrified 'Moria' to the woman's name
'Moira'.
Korpen.
China Blue Board
/ a personal experience of mine. As for Moira, that suggested itself
/ when the previous writer transmogrified 'Moria' to the woman's name
/ 'Moira'.
Moira is the Gaelic form of Mary, thy blasphemer.
--
CACS: Collective Against Consensual Sanity v0.123
Now a text site map! http://www.angelfire.com/ca3/cacs/
pretty? http://www.geocities.com/SoHo/Studios/5079/
:)-free zone. Cthulu in '00: .../cacs/politics.html
Aris Katsaris
Raven <jonlenn...@get2net.dk> wrote in message
news:UYR15.569$D_.1...@news.get2net.dk...
I admit that since I have not read "Le Morte d'Arthur" all those
scenes rather confused me.... But other than that it was great...
Aris Katsaris
Aris Katsaris
Öjevind Lång <ojevin...@swipnet.se> wrote in message
news:uuR15.2864$rH5....@nntpserver.swip.net...
> Aris Katsaris hath written:
> >
> >Dr. Faramir had been referred to without the sign in an early chapter.
> >There's a discontinuity here - we can either delete the sign after
Faramir
> >from here, or add it back in Book I, Chapter 2... We have to choose one
> >of the two. I suggest the former (deleting it from The Council of El
Rond)
> >since it's the later chapter...
>
> I have another suggestion. Only the Ruling Steward and his heir (Boromir™)
> wear that sign after their names. Dr Faramir, as a younger son, does not
> wear it.
That's pretty much what I meant with my suggestion: to remove the sign from
Faramir...
Aris Katsaris
Raven
news:20000614142322...@nso-ce.aol.com...
> I thought it was great from start to finish, especially the use
> of customs officials in place of the wolves.
Well, the wolves come in the next chapter. Perhaps you have
noticed that I have tried lobbying Steuard into using Big Fido and his
pack of wolf-wannabe's instead of wolves. Any who have read Pterry's
"Men At Arms" should get a kick out of it. Any who have not should...
Corb.
Carl Blondin
Raven wrote:
>
> Öjevind Lång <ojevin...@swipnet.se> skrev i en
> news:oqJ15.2645$rH5....@nntpserver.swip.net...
>
> > This was a great chapter. Bilbo's poetry, the mention of the
> > improvements in metallurgy over the millennia, the sendup
> > of "WatershIp Down", the terrible bands of roving custom
> > officials... I could go on. And lost Moira as the pinnacle of
> > madness! :-)
> The last band of customs officials, at least, is an exaggeration of
> a personal experience of mine. As for Moira, that suggested itself
> when the previous writer transmogrified 'Moria' to the woman's name
> 'Moira'.
I tried my best to open as many doors as I could, glad you were able to
use one.
Carl
Steuard Jensen
> BTW, will you let the attack of the Wargs be transmogrified into
> the attack of Big Fido's wolf wannabe's? Lego-lass' last arrow
> plunging burning into the heart of an irate poodle, and later, when
> all the dog corpses have disappeared, the shaftless point is found
> next to a collar with the name 'Fido' on it? :-) Probably won't, if
> you are as impervious to remote control as I fancy myself to be ---
I'm not impervious to remote control, but for better or worse I've
already got a plan for the scene. I _think_ that it should be pretty
funny to folks on these groups. :) (As for "Men at Arms", which I
think you said was the source of this idea, I'm planning to read it
eventually, but I've not been able to find the book in a reasonably
inexpensive edition yet, or at a nearby library. Some day...)
Anyway, Chapter IV is coming soon! :)
Steuard Jensen
Öjevind Lång
[snip]
>Now I remember. Thanks. I hope my mention of Faramir(tm) doesn't upset
>you. If it does I'll ask Steward and O. to change it to Dr. Faramir.
No, that's all right; though I would like future contributors dealing with
Faramir to remember that he is the learned Dr Faramir.
Öjevind
Raven
news:mlindanne-140...@c185.ppp.tsoft.com...
> / The last band of customs officials, at least, is an
> / exaggeration of a personal experience of mine. As for
> / Moira, that suggested itself when the previous writer
> / transmogrified 'Moria' to the woman's name 'Moira'.
> Moira is the Gaelic form of Mary, thy blasphemer.
So Moira remains a woman's name. BTW, what do you mean by 'my
blasphemer'? Is Moira a blasphemer, and somehow in my possession?
Holló.
the softrat
<jonlenn...@get2net.dk> wrote:
> So Moira remains a woman's name. BTW, what do you mean by 'my
>blasphemer'? Is Moira a blasphemer, and somehow in my possession?
>
>Holló.
'moira' is also a Greek word meaning somethingorother. (fate? portion?
lot?)
the softrat
mailto:sof...@pobox.com
--
What you have to do is take the bull by the teeth.
China Blue Board
/ blasphemer'? Is Moira a blasphemer, and somehow in my possession?
What's a thread without accusing someone of blasphemy?
Dan loves you.
China Blue Bird of Happiness
/ Who?
The mother of the Tuatha de Danaan.
Raven
> / So Moira remains a woman's name. BTW, what do you mean by 'my
> / blasphemer'? Is Moira a blasphemer, and somehow in my possession?
> What's a thread without accusing someone of blasphemy?
OK, but why are you accusing Christ's Mum of blasphemy?? And
implying that she belongs to me? Next you will be calling the Saviour
an infidel. Flame will be *so* disappointed in you, if he follows
this thread...
> Dan loves you.
Who?
Kirina.
O. Sharp
fond of Bilbo's refusing to give Frodo anything but advice for the trip,
and Frodo's ignoring it all until it served to circumvent Bilbo's
refusal. :)
One question, by the way:
: Now many cheerless days and weeks followed. They made camp during
: the day, lighting no fire, hiding from spies and elil. During the
^^^^
: [...] buried their hraka, to leave as few traces as possible for elil
^^^^
Uhm, "elil"? Is this a persistent typo for "evil", or am I simply missing
a joke? :)
...Oh, and note to everyone: No need to e-mail HTML copies my way. I
routinely code and proof everything myself anyway, to keep the typography
uniform across chapters. But I _do_ appreciate the kind effort.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
o...@netcom.com Not that the typography for
~Crash bang ouch splotch bang slam crack~
comes up very often...
Öjevind Lång
[snip]
>One question, by the way:
>: Now many cheerless days and weeks followed. They made camp during
>: the day, lighting no fire, hiding from spies and elil. During the
> ^^^^
>: [...] buried their hraka, to leave as few traces as possible for elil
> ^^^^
>Uhm, "elil"? Is this a persistent typo for "evil", or am I simply missing
>a joke? :)
In Richard Adams' "Watership Down", the Lapine word for "droppings" is
"hraka", and "elil", "the Thousand", are all the beings that kill and eat
rabbits: men, badgers, foxes, cats, weasels, stoats, hawks and so on. To
ethe elil also belomg the "hrududu", "cars", which rabbits according to
Adams believe are some kind of really vicous and crazy animal.
Öjevind
O. Sharp
question, thusly:
:>Uhm, "elil"? Is this a persistent typo for "evil", or am I simply missing
:>a joke? :)
:
: In Richard Adams' "Watership Down", the Lapine word for "droppings" is
: "hraka", and "elil", "the Thousand", are all the beings that kill and eat
: rabbits: men, badgers, foxes, cats, weasels, stoats, hawks and so on. To
: ethe elil also belomg the "hrududu", "cars", which rabbits according to
: Adams believe are some kind of really vicous and crazy animal.
Thank you! "Hraka" I got from context, but "elil" was a little obtuse -
at least for those of us who don't have the book at hand, or indeed knew
before today that any book at all had _been_ referenced. :)
...I like the idea of cars being some sort of vicious, crazy animal. It
would certainly explain the behaviour of many cars in my own lovely city,
which behave quite calmly and rationally until beset by the horrible
rabies of a driver. :/
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
o...@netcom.com I, myself, am very proud to be a full-time pedestrian. :)
Öjevind Lång
[snip]
>
>...I like the idea of cars being some sort of vicious, crazy animal. It
>would certainly explain the behaviour of many cars in my own lovely city,
>which behave quite calmly and rationally until beset by the horrible
>rabies of a driver. :/
There is a lovely definition of an American attributed to a Chinese child.
If the story is true, he said that an American was "a man with two arms and
four wheels".
Öjevind
Juho P. Pahajoki
> I have emailed my text in HTML-format to Steuard and Sharp. That
>format supports bold text and italics, but I will post only plain text
>to the NG's. Since plaintext does not support those text formats, I
>have used *bold* and ~italics~.
Ok, I loved the chapter (so what else is new?), but would you (all the
people involved in storing these chapters) be willing to change the
~italics~ marks to /italics/ marks? It conveys the slantedness - and
my newsreader shows such words with a different color =). IMHO it
would be better - and I believe a more traditional way to mark the
italics. In it self I think that such marking is good, and urge other
writers to furthen the enjoyment with *bold* and /italic/ words.
> If you lot enjoy reading this half as much as I did writing it, I
>shall call myself a successful parody author.
I hereby grant you permission to call yourself a succesful parody
author.
--
"In my experience, this is the ultimate problem with Open Source
development: not enough formal engaged testing. Developers want to write
code, they don't want to solve all the niggling little problems that users
come up with." -- Andrew Shuman
Raven
news:slrn8knd9...@ilmatar.kalevala.local...
> Ok, I loved the chapter (so what else is new?), but would you (all
> the people involved in storing these chapters) be willing to change
> the ~italics~ marks to /italics/ marks? It conveys the slantedness
> - and my newsreader shows such words with a different color =).
> IMHO it would be better - and I believe a more traditional way to
> mark the italics. In it self I think that such marking is good, and
> urge other writers to furthen the enjoyment with *bold* and
> /italic/ words.
Ok, if the rest agree that the slash is a better italics marker
than the tilde.
> > If you lot enjoy reading this half as much as I did writing it,
> > I shall call myself a successful parody author.
> I hereby grant you permission to call yourself a succesful parody
> author.
Thank you. BTW, 'Stallo' is an old Samish bogeyman. Since the
Sami languages are somewhat influenced by Finnish, I wondered if the
Stallo is known also to Finns.
Since I shall go away for a couple of weeks probably tomorrow
(Tuesday), would you mind copying your reply, if there is one, to
email?
Korppi.
Raven
news:8icogt$6en$1...@nntp9.atl.mindspring.net...
> Raven, your chapter is quite demented and likable.
So am I, on occasion.
> I was particularly fond of Bilbo's refusing to give Frodo
> anything but advice for the trip, and Frodo's ignoring it all
> until it served to circumvent Bilbo's refusal. :)
Now that you bring that up, I recall some similar descriptions in
Pterry's Discworld books, such as the dead old father on Wyrmberg who
is pleased that his daughter killed him, thereby showing herself as a
true chip off the block.
> One question, by the way:
> : Now many cheerless days and weeks followed. They made camp
> : during the day, lighting no fire, hiding from spies and elil.
> : During the
> ^^^^
> : [...] buried their hraka, to leave as few traces as possible for
> : elil
> ^^^^
> Uhm, "elil"? Is this a persistent typo for "evil", or am I simply
> missing a joke? :)
That question has been answered in full by others. I am thinking
that if some American writers make allusions to things specifically
American, we furriners having to have these things explained to us,
then I can make references to anything I want! Therefore the Stallo
and Draug passage...
> ...Oh, and note to everyone: No need to e-mail HTML copies my way. I
> routinely code and proof everything myself anyway, to keep the
> typography uniform across chapters. But I _do_ appreciate the
> kind effort.
Ok. But plaintext does not support bold and italics, and I use
especially the latter a lot.
> --------------------------------------------------------------------
-
> o...@netcom.com Not that the typography for
> ~Crash bang ouch splotch bang slam
> crack~
> comes up very often...
It should. When I reread my own stuff, these written comic book
passages are what I like the best...
Harabanar.
Juho P. Pahajoki
>Sami languages are somewhat influenced by Finnish, I wondered if the
>Stallo is known also to Finns.
I at least have not heard of Stallo. I don't think that the name is in
general knowledge either.
Maybe someone from the north would know of him, I could ask my father
or uncle who are from Lapland.
> Since I shall go away for a couple of weeks probably tomorrow
>(Tuesday), would you mind copying your reply, if there is one, to
>email?
I shall try. To my great dismay I didn't find a followup+reply option
from my newsreader, so I shall have to do this by hand.
Now, since you brought up Stallo, maybe you could tell us something
about him (if you haven't gone already, that is).
--
If you buy her flowers, you're after something.
If you don't, you're not thoughtful.
Raven
> Now, since you brought up Stallo, maybe you could tell us something
> about him (if you haven't gone already, that is).
Preciously little. There was a tale of a man who was pursued by a
stallo. He shot at it with his bow, chest high, but it leaped over
the arrow. He shot again, and again it leaped over, coming closer.
The third time he deliberately shot high, and the stallo leaped right
into the path of the arrow and was slain. Yet a fourth arrow did the
man have to let fly, for the stallo's dog was approaching its slain
master to lick his blood, and that would have revived the monster.
I don't think this story is accurate in all details.
Korppi.
Steuard Jensen
> Ok, I loved the chapter (so what else is new?), but would you (all
> the people involved in storing these chapters) be willing to change
> the ~italics~ marks to /italics/ marks?
Interesting. In fact, when I _underline_ text in ordinary type, I
generally end up converting said text to italics when I change it to
HTML or some other form with detailed formatting. (More precisely, I
change the text to "emphasized" if that is available, and that is
generally interpreted as italics as it ought to be.) As I understand
it (which isn't all that well), underlining started out as a
typographer's symbol for "italicize this" (for example, book titles
are "really" supposed to be italicized rather than underlined). On an
odd note, I generally chance underlined _words_ (like _lembas_)
directly to italics rather than "emphasized"... don't ask me why I
think of them differently.
I'm not saying that everyone should use my own conventions, but simply
explaining them for future reference. :) Anyone who thinks I'm
completely misinterpreting what underlining is supposed to mean is
hereby invited to correct me. :)
Steuard Jensen
Tamfiiris
cited author.]
on Mon, 19 Jun 2000 02:55:50 +0200, Raven posted his instead of saving
the world:
> That question has been answered in full by others. I am thinking
> that if some American writers make allusions to things specifically
> American, we furriners having to have these things explained to us,
> then I can make references to anything I want! Therefore the Stallo
> and Draug passage...
lol, i loved the mentions of those, and the references to rabbits. almost
excactly the thing Tolkien would do, innit, referring to a greater
mythology that most of the readers don't know, i mean. great chapter,
chap!
> > o...@netcom.com Not that the typography for
> > ~Crash bang ouch splotch bang slam
> > crack~ comes up very often...
> It should. When I reread my own stuff, these written comic book
> passages are what I like the best...
i agree. they're very touching.
ps: japanese for raven is 'karasu'.
--
// ========== Tamf, on a short break from her travels. ============ \\
\\ apathy makes the world go round! //
Prembone
> I may have taken away the virginity of Frodo for writers to
>laugh about
Actually, if you want to get technical about it, Frodo had
already lost his virginity to the Barrow-wight. And his
virginity wasn't so much meant for *us* to "laugh about" (just
for Morrie, who has already been established as a nasty sort of
fellow) as to use as a plot device. But I assume by "losing his
virginity" you mean with regard to women.
> establishing him as a bisexual (after Prembone
> established him as partial to males)
Well, we shall see what has and hasn't been established. ;-)
This thing twists and turns with every new chapter being
written.
> Hey Prembone, if you get the chance, perhaps you could let
> someone do for Gandalf what Tenar did for Ged in number four of
> the Earthsea Quartet.
"Let someone"? I didn't know I had such power. ;-) But whoever
writes chapters involving Gandalf may find your suggestion
useful.
Prembone
--
God was my co-pilot, but our plane crashed in the mountains
and I had to eat him.
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