THE 501 BLUES: GOING NOWHERE FAST (chapter 5)
SCAVENGER
CHAPTER 5
by SCAVENGER
Last issue, the universe was destroyed.
REBEL YELL, the lone survivor of part 4 woke to find himself in a
strange, fetureless void.
"Ugh, what happened? Oh, yeah, the world was destroyed. Let's see,
TYPO LAD got killed, and LURKING GIRL was ...
Some net.hero I turned out to be. Couldn't even save the world. More
to the point, I couldn't even save my friends."
Yell sat down, depressed. He waited. And waited....and waited....
Days, maybe years, or maybe only seconds later, He stood up.
"Luri would want me to keep going! I guess I should look around and
try to find out where I am."
Rebel Yell traveled throughout the barren landscape. There was nothing to
be found. He concidered that he might be dead and in Hell or something, but
there were no New Kids there. Plus he hadn't seen any young women wearing
ankhs.
Eventually he came across what appeared to be a walkway made of cancelled
posts. He searched them for clues, but all they said were, "Article 92(or
93) of al*.f~%.#$%id&-@q*^d not available"
The walkway led up to a giant disk drive. The drive's gate opened, and a
man with long brown hair, wearing jeans, a Tick t-shirt, hi-tops, and a
black overcoat stepped out.
"Hi, I'm SCAV. I've been expecting you."
"Uh, you're who?"
"I'm Scav."
"What's a 'Scav'? What's going on here? Furthermore where the hell is here?!"
"Woah, take a breath dude. TO answere your questions, 1) I'm a Scav, I created
you. 2) We're doing one of those character meets creator things. And 3)
you're in alt.fan.suicide-squid."
"My creator?....Are you....G-D?"
"Yes...No, I'm just kidding with you. I'm actually a college student. Last
year, I created you and then wrote stories about you and your friends. See,
you're only a character in a series of convoluted net posts."
"Ok, let me get this strait, You created the world. You're responsible
for everything that has happened! YOU WERE THE ONE THAT KILLED TYPO LAD
AND LURKING GIRL!!!"
With that, Rebel Yell leaped at Scav and ripped him in half. Bisely-esque
guts flew everywhere.
"How'd I do that?" said a once again puzzeled Rebel Yell. "I'm not super
strong."
"Well, "said Scav, walking from around the corner, "I thought it would be nice
to throw in action sequence to appeal to the Blood & Gore fans out there. See,
I'm not really, here, I'm in a computer lab in Colorado typing this into a
computer. So you can't hurt me. But enough of that, let's talk."
"Why did you destroy the world?"
"Well, I didn't. I actually don't know who did. Some computer god out
there I suppose."
"But, don't you controll things?"
"No, see you live in a world created by concensus. I write a story, someone
else writes a story, Dave VanD. writes a bunch of stories. No one is actually
in charge. For example, Drizzt wrote you while you were in Cry.Sig"
"I seemed to do a lot more in Cry.Sig."
"Well that's cause Drizzt had a better sence of where he wanted the story to
go. I had a bunch of ideas that never really went anywhere."
"Like E.R.N.I.E. ?"
"Yeah like E.R.N.I.E. I was gonna do something big with them, then I got this
meet the writer idea."
"My Life has seemed pretty unfocused lately. Tell me, who the hell is the
prodigal?"
"Beats me. See it was originally a play on the last member of the Endless
from _Sandman_, and you and Typo Lad looking for him was a "homage" to the
current storyline. I'm not sure if anyone got that or not. I later decided
it might be the Suicide Squid or David Goldfarb's Squid Boy (cause he was
being beligerent about us starting up LNH again :-) just kidding Dave). But
I never got around to talking to him. Since R.A.C. is gone now, it really
doesn't matter."
"That doesn't sound like you really had a plan for this story."
"Oh, shut up. It's not easy producing an epic and doing school work at
the same time. My next story will work better. Y'know, since I'm here,
I might as well take the time to answer some letters. First, it's been
suggested that Rebel Yell fight someone who is his complete idealogical
opposite, so without further ado, DAMN YANKEE come on down!"
"What?!?" said Rebel Yell.
A Man, dressed in garb signifying America's north (ok I have no idea, what
this would be), sundelly materialized and immediatly started throwing things
at Rebel Yell. Stuff like New England Lobster, Kidney Pie, and Clam Chowder.
Yell responded by throwing Crawfish, Pecan pie, and gumbo.
As the two characters continued to throw food and other memorabilia of
their respective regions at each other, Scav continued," Drizzt mentioned
that I should of made the Fan.dom the 'Dvan.dom of the alt.RA'. I didn't
think about this when I was writting it it might have been neat, but Dave
probably would have taken the story off to G-d knows where."
"I'd like to thank Peter Milligan, Grant Morrison, Neil Gaiman, and Andrew
Lloyd Webber for given me things to "homage" for my story. Also thanx to Brian
Bolland for those wonderful covers."
"Thanx go out to Dave VanD., Jef the KatE fan, and Glen for their support.
A special thanx to my fellow trouble makers Drizzt and wReam for keeping
up with the madness. And an X-tra speacial thanx to Tori, for letting
me use her in the stories, and I promise, my next story will clear up
all of the confusion I've put L.G. through."
"I've been asked what the deal with RATTLER HIDE was. See it was a joke
based on _Battle Tide: Death's Head vs. Kill Power_ . It like my Lobo
joke went completly uncomprehended. Oh well, Manga Man never answered the
challenge anyway."
From the midst of the background fight, which had devolved into one of
those rolling balls of fists like you see in Heathcliff, Rebel Yell shouted
"What about Beige Noon and the 2 1/2 month gap?"
"Oh yeah, that'll be explained in my next (currently unnamed) story, as
well."
Rebel Yell stood up, an unconciouss Damn Yankee at his feet. "I don't get
it, You just come around, muck about with our lives, then take your bows
and leave?"
"Well, yeah. Your whole purpose is to entertain."
"You're telling me that you killed off T-Lad and Luri for fun."
"Well, yes. That and to make the story seem more comic book like."
"That's sick."
"Yeah, I guess so... G-d is that what we've become. Is the whole point
of entertainment to cause pain in characters lives, to kill for story
points? Gosh.....Well, I guess so. Heh. Look, Reb, this hasn't turned out
the way I wanted. Originaly the 501 Blues was supposed to be a great battle,
but no one climbed on to that particular bandwagon. Hell, I'm gonna send
you home."
"But you, or someone, destroyed it!!!"
"Yeah, but we got the LNH a new home, over in alt.comics.lnh. Go home,
Rebel Yell. Forget we ever met. Go home and continue fighting the
war against boredom."
Rebel Yell began to vanish. "Wait, what about....."
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
(Homaged from Drizzt and wReam)
Rebel Yell awoke in the controll room of LNH HQ. Multi-tasking Man was at
the monitors.
Rebel Yell asked, "What happened?"
M-TM answered, "Well you failed in finding the prodigal, and R.A.C. got
destroyed, but I manged to get us an alt.group to work from. I found you in
alt.fan.suicide-squid and transmatted you back. What were you doing there? No
One goes there anymore"
"I don't know. Everything's a blur from after I jumped into that portal.
Ohmigod, LURI!"
The door opened, and Lurking Girl entered the room. "What are you screeming
about!?!"
"I thought you were dead."
"Nah, Multi-taking Lad zapped me out of there right before I died. He even
got Typo Lad, but not before he took some damage from the explosion. He's
down in the med-lab."
"So every things ok?"
"Sorta," Multi-tasking Man answered, "We still have to stabalize the new
group. And there is a big CRY.SIG on the horrizon."
Rebel Yel replied, "Hmm, a cry.sig? We'll come through it ok I think.
After all, WE'RE THE LEGION OF NET.HEROES!!!"
"I wish you wouldn't yell like that." said Lurking Girl.
"Sorry," whispered Rebel Yell.
The End...
--
KHAN: And I never forget a face. Mr. Chekov, | kog...@ucsu.colorado.edu
isn't it? | (Internet/Usenet)
CHEKOV: But, I wasn't in that episode!!! | No matter where you go, there
(from MST3K:The Wrath of Khan) | you are."-Buckaroo Banzai