STAR WARS LOG from Mad Magazine circa 1981
Twink
Most everyone’s who’s seen “Star Wars” and “The Empire Strikes Back” is
wondering what George Lucas is planning for his next sequel! We’ve heard he
’s planning a total of nine films, or is it eight, or twelve? There are
reports the first two films aren’t really the first chronologically, that
they fall somewhere in the middle! And what about Luke Skywalker? Is he
the son of Darth Vader? Will he marry Princess Leia? What’s ahead for Han
Solo and Artoo-Detoo? Well, we at MAD figure someone’s got to have a master
plan of the whole mess, right? Right! And what does that carefully guarded
master plan look like? Heh heh…
THE “STAR WARS” LOG
THE MASTER PLAN FOR FUTURE SPACE FILMS
*** TOP SECRET ***
PROPERTY OF GEORGE LUCAS PRODUCTIONS
=======================================
FROM THE DESK OF GEORGE LUCAS
TO: ALL STAFF MEMBERS
THE PLOTS AND CHARACTERS OF OUR SPACE FILMS ARE GETTING SO CONFUSING THAT
SOMETIMES EVEN I CAN’T TRACK OF WHAT’S GOING ON.
SO I’VE PUT TOGETHER THIS BOOKLET TO MAKE EVERYTHING CLEAR, AFTER YOU READ
IT, YOU’LL SEE WHERE WE’RE HEADING—GL
P.S. DON’T LET THIS BOOKLET OUT OF THE STUDIO, IF AUDIENCES KNEW IN ADVANCE
WHAT WE’RE PLANNING, IT COULD RUIN US.
======================================
Altogether, there will be 12 films in our epic space saga, but they will not
be made in chronological order. “STAR WARS” and “THE EMPIRE STRIKES BACK,”
our first two films, are actually No. 5 and No. 6 in the series.
Our third picture (really No. 2 in the series) will be “SEND IN THE CLONES,”
in which we find out that both Darth Vadr and Obi-Wan Kenobi were cloned by
the same donor, who happens to be a long-lost grandfather of Chewbacca’s.
This sets up a conflict between the Wookies and the Empire, which becomes
the plot for our fourth film (No. 3 in the series), “MAKIN’ WOOKIE.”
Meanwhile, in our sixth film, “HIYA LEIA” (No. 10 in the series), Princess
Leia discovers that her grandfather and Han Solo’s grandmother were
next-door neighbors on Alderaan, before it was blown up by Darth Vader (in
“STAR WARS”). In a wild, galactic battle, Luke fights Boba Fett, and we are
left with the impression that Boba may be Luke’s father.
After seeing “THE EMPIRE STRIKES BACK,” some people got the idea that Darth
Vader is Luke Skywalker’s real father. Although “MAKIN’ WOOKIE” doesn’t
clear this up, it does reveal how an ancestor of Princess Leia befriends
Yoda, who organizes the Jedi Knights, comprised of Darth Vader (then a young
idealist in love with Lando Calrissian’s great-aunt) and Obi-Wan Kenobi, who
defend the Wookies when their home, the planet Kazhyyk, is overrun by droids
(film No. 11, “CUT AND DROID”).
This ties in neatly with our fifth film (No. 1 in the series), “A MATTER OF
LIFE AND DARTH,” in which Luke, who has unraveled the secrets of time travel
(in “MAKIN’ WOOKIE”), learns that Darth Vader is a half-droid and may be the
father of both Han Solo and See-Threepio. Luke gets this informatin from
Yoda, who reveals that Darth Vader, being part droid, distrusts humans and
plans to organize all the droids in the hope of destroying the Rebel
Alliance.
This brings us to our seventh film, “CUT AND DROID” (No. 11 in the series),
which recounts the Great Droid War, in which See-Threepio apparently dies,
after a valiant battle against rust. This should not be confused with the
plot of our eighth film, “LOOK MA, NO HAN” (No. 9 in the series), in which
HAN Solo is forced to become an undercover agent for Darth Vader, and is
lost in hyper-space after Artoo-Detoo reveals that Princess Leia may be the
daughter of Obi-Wan Kenobia from his first marriage to a sister of Boba
Fett’s great-grandmother.
Both Boba Fett and Jabba the Hut (who are introduced in “THE EMPIRE STRIKES
BACK”) were once comrades of Darth Vader, and this is brought out in our
ninth film, “YESSIR, THAT’S MY BOBA” (No. 4 in the series). We find out
that Luke Skywalker’s lightsaber was once recharged by Boba Fett’s father,
who we suspect may be Chewbacca. This ties in with the romance between
See-Threepio (who learns he is part-human) and Chewbacca’s half-hairy
sister, Varga (introduced in “CUT AND DROID”).
Here we learn from Artoo-Detoo (who holds the entire history of the Galaxy
in his memory banks) how the Jedi Knights were disbanded, and also observe
See-Threepio’s nervous breakdown, when he finds out that mixed marriages
sometimes don’t work.
We learn more about Luke’s ancestry in our eleventh film, “SPACE ‘N VADER”
(No. 7 in the series) as the Jedi Knights split into three factions—one
loyal to Princess Leia, another loyal to Darth Vader, and a third having no
opinion. Luke returns from a space voyage to the planet Kazhyyk where he
discovers the true identity of his father while rescuing Chewbacca from
midget aliens. Luke, as it turns out, lives as a young boy with the
Wookies, who snatched him froma drone spaceship just outside the Mandalore
System, the home of Boba Fett and other Super Commandos. The Wookies gave
Luke the name of “Skywalker,” which, in the Wookie tongue, means “Hairless
Warrior Who Destroys Evil with Beam of Light.” Now Luke learns from
Artoo-Detoo that neither Darth Vader, Obi-Wan Kenobi, nor Boba Fett is his
father.
However, we always come back to the question of who is Luke’s father, and in
our tenth film, “LANDO PLENTY” (No. 8 in the series), we discover that Lando
Calrissian’s great-aunt (whom we met in “MAKIN’ WOOKIE”) may have been the
wife of Obi-Too Kenobi (Obi-Wan’s younger brother) in Cloud City, when Lando
’s father joined forces with a cousin of Han Solo’s to put down the First
Droid Uprising, which leads to the Great Droid War (seen in “CUT AND
DROID”).
In our twelfth film, “ONCE A KNIGHT IS ENOUGH” (No. 12 in the series), the
identity of Luke’s father is finally revealed. It is none other than the
Force, which as we learned in “SEND IN THE CLONES,” was once capable of
taking on human form before it dissolved into the Sixth Dimension. Luke is
reunited with Princess Leia (who has left Darth Vader after being forced to
marry him in “HIYA, LEIA”) and they move to another galaxy.
This last film serves as the climax to the “STAR WARS SAGA—PART I.”
Immediately after it is completed (we figure that to be sometime around the
year 2014), we will begin work on the 24 films that make up the “STAR WARS
SAGA—PART II.”
--
Twink
************************************************************
In Italy for thirty years under the Borgias they had
warfare, terror, murder and bloodshed but they produced
Michelangelo, Leonardo da Vinci and the Renaissance. In
Switzerland, they had brotherly love; they had five hundred
years of democracy and peace and what did that produce?
The cuckoo clock. -- Orson Welles (The Third Man)
************************************************************
Stephen. G. Bramley
<nom...@nomail.nomail> writes
>A SEQUEL OPPORTUNITY EMPLOYER DEPT.
>
>Most everyone’s who’s seen “Star Wars” and “The Empire Strikes Back” is
>wondering what George Lucas is planning for his next sequel! We’ve heard he
>’s planning a total of nine films, or is it eight, or twelve? There are
>reports the first two films aren’t really the first chronologically, that
>they fall somewhere in the middle! And what about Luke Skywalker? Is he
>the son of Darth Vader? Will he marry Princess Leia? What’s ahead for Han
>Solo and Artoo-Detoo? Well, we at MAD figure someone’s got to have a master
>plan of the whole mess, right? Right! And what does that carefully guarded
>master plan look like? Heh heh…
>
>THE “STAR WARS” LOG
>THE MASTER PLAN FOR FUTURE SPACE FILMS
>
>*** TOP SECRET ***
>
>PROPERTY OF GEORGE LUCAS PRODUCTIONS
Oh, HE`S Back !
--
The Emperor of the Galactic Empire
Stephen. G. Bramley