[1/2] MiSTed: Tails' Lover

[Mongoose]

[ Allow yourself to either visualize the opening sequence or simply skip
it.... it's all your choice here. ]

[ 1... 2... 3... 4... 5... 6... ]

[ Interior of the Satellite of Love. Crow is holding what appears to
be a clipboard. Mike and Tom are side by side, across from Crow. ]

CROW: OK, next one is "Have you ever stolen something valuable from a
major government faction?"
MIKE: No, of course not.
TOM: Define 'major.'
CROW: [puts marks on clipboard] OK, how about "Do you like to torment
small animals for personal pleasure?"
MIKE: CROW! What kind of questions *are* these, anyway?
CROW: Is that a 'yes' or a 'no,' Nelson?
MIKE: Crow, can we just stop this, please? [turns and look toward
Cambot] Oh, hello everyone. Crow here managed to *somehow* get
his hands on some copy of "The Test to Measure Moral
Wholesomeness."
TOM: Yeah, Crow. Put me down for 'no' on that last one.
MIKE: Crow, I fail to see the relevance of any of these questions.
These can't possibly apply to anyone with any shred of decency
to even be measured!
CROW: Wait-wait-wait! I like this next one. "Have you ever been
responsible for the destruction of an entire planet?"
TOM: Can't say that I have!
MIKE: It does NOT say that!
CROW: See for yourself. [Mike takes clipboard from Crow.]
MIKE: [dumbfounded] Well I'll be... [shakes head back and forth
several times] I'm not answering any more of these questions.

[ The Mads' Sign flashes; Mike sighs and taps it. ]

MIKE: [unenthusiastically] I wasn't abusing small animals. Honest.

[ Castle Forrester. Only Pearl is on-screen; things seem unusually
quiet. ]

PEARL: Wow. You seem about as perky as *I* am.

[ SoL. Crow and Tom are gathered around Mike. ]

MIKE: It's been a long day, that's all.
CROW: He's a bit touchy, today, Mrs. F.

[ CF ]

PEARL: That'll help things. [sighs]

[ SoL ]

MIKE: You sound kinda down, Pearl. What's wrong?

[ CF ]

PEARL: I'm bored as Hell, that's what! Brain Guy and Bobo mentioned
something about their 'inner selves' and took off. Said it was
one of those 'just the guys' things.

[ SoL ]

MIKE: So, basically, you've had no one to push around?

[ CF ]

PEARL: Right. Figured I'd pass on my misery, though. I'm glad to hear
that you're in a bad mood. Gets my hopes up.

[ SoL ]

MIKE: I take it that means...

[ CF ]

PEARL: Yep. You know the drill. I'd build it up for you, but I just
don't feel like thinking too much right now.

[ SoL ]

MIKE: Not even a little hint?

[ CF ]

PEARL: [sighs] Well, since you asked so nicely, I'll give you just a
bit of fair warning. It stars a familiar group of animals from
a familiar Sega game series...

[ SoL ]

ALL: [aghast] Sonic fic!

[ CF ]

PEARL: ...featuring everyone's favorite dejected sidekick in a bit
of... 'romantic tension,' so-to-speak. I don't want to ruin
any more surprises. Have fun.

[ SoL. Movie Sign alarms go off. ]

MIKE: [under his breath] At least the quiz is over...

[ 6... 5... 4... 3... 2... 1... ]
[ Everyone files into seats. ]

TOM: What are we thinking, guys? "Tails-Gets-a-Girlfriend" fic?
CROW: Maybe it's another "Tails-Deals-with-Puberty" fic.
MIKE: Pearl wasn't gloating all that much. Maybe it's actually
kinda tame.
TOM: I dunno. She seemed to perk up a bit towards the end.
MIKE: Here it comes, guys.

>Here you go Doujinshika.. hope your happy! :P

CROW: Yeah. I hope you're happy, too.
MIKE: We're sure not.

>Your know the rules:

TOM: You do NOT talk about Fight Club!

> I DON'T OWN THEM!!!!

CROW: [whispering] Gotta catch 'em all...

> they belong to someone
>else not me!!!

MIKE: [motherly] Now now, kids- what did I tell you about playing
with things that don't belong to you?

> oh one more thing SHOUEN AI!!!

ALL: AAAUUGH!!!
TOM: [screaming] Why, God? Why?
CROW: [catching breath] Hold on... we might be okay!
TOM: [trying to calm down] What makes you say that?
CROW: It's not a shounen-ai fanfic at all! It's just "shouen ai!"
TOM: Well what's THAT mean?
CROW: I dunno... I probably know about as much Japanese as the author
of this thing...
MIKE: Namely, none.

> (I remembered!!)

CROW: Does that mean that we can forget?
TOM: Yeah, please?
MIKE: Guys, the fic hasn't even started yet.
BOTS: [sigh]

> You
>know about it and like it?

TOM: Well, I don't object to it in principle... but once you start
using anthropomorphic animal video game characters...
CROW: Do people really want to read things like this?
MIKE: Well, considering how many of this type of fic are out there,
I think that answer is a depressing 'yes.'

> Then continue on my friend,

MIKE: Awww... see, we're friends already!
CROW: No. No, we are most definitely not.
MIKE: Hey, c'mon Crow. Don't be like that. [pats Crow's head]
CROW: But... but... aw, OK.

> if
>not.....shoo! Go away!!

TOM: [Ruby Rhod] Bzzz! BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ!!!
MIKE: See, and after all that talk the author made about being
friends. Now I AM disappointed...

>
>Megablackstar

MIKE: That's not a very festive-sounding handle.
TOM: It's certainly not fitting with that of most shounen-ai
authors.
CROW: At least not without stretching my imagination beyond what
Nelson will probably allow...
MIKE: Good. Keep it that way.

>
>
>Tails' Lover

ALL: [long pause]
TOM: [whimpering] Ohnononononono...
CROW: Please, please, PLEASE say that this isn't an homage to
"Artemis' Lover!"
MIKE: [somewhat stunned] Could Pearl possibly be so cruel?
CROW: Mike... I'm not sure we're going to make it through this.
MIKE: Buck up, guys! Maybe this is just here to crush our spirits
early on. The fic still hasn't even started yet.
TOM: OK, Mike. If I had teeth to grit, I would do so.

>
>
>"Could you say that again?"

TOM: [Regis Philbin] I said, 'Is that your final answer?'
CROW: You're not helping my mood any, Regis.

>
>"Sonic, Tails can't go."
>

MIKE: [Sally] Not until he cleans his room, eats his broccoli, and
washes behind his ears.

>I sighed, another argument between Aunt Sally and Sonic.

CROW: [Sonic] No, you TOTALLY said that I could have the guys over
tonight to watch the game and play poker!
TOM: [Sally] Sonic, you KNOW my book club meets here every third
Sunday! Why can't you just watch the game at Rotor's?
CROW: [Sonic] Hey, would YOU want to hang out watching a game at
a walrus' house?

> *Why can't
>I go?!!!!!*

MIKE: [Sally] I already told you, young man! Now, either stop
pouting or go to your room!

> My mind screamed.

CROW: [Fujin] RAGE.

> It just wasn't fair.... I mean Antoine
>gets to go and he doesn't even want to!!!

TOM: Which is funny, because nobody ever wants to be around Antoine.
MIKE: Yeah. When you have to read a typed, stereotypical French
accent for too long, you tend to go crazy pretty fast.
TOM: That explains us, then.

> I sighed again, I really
>wanted to see Knuckles again.. next to Sonic he the coolest!

CROW: Yeah! He so cool!

>
>"Maybe next time.... "
>

TOM: [Dr. Claw] Next time, Gadget! NEXT TIME!

>
>*Maybe next time.* My mind mocked.

MIKE: See Tails. See Tails mock. Mock, Tails, mock!

> I'm sick and tired of being
>treated like a little kid!!!

CROW: Hey, Fanboy. How old is Tails again?
TOM: Tails? He's 10 years ol...-HEY!
CROW: Thank you.

> Its not fair!!

MIKE: [Sally] What did I tell you about pouting, young man?
CROW: [Tails] Bite me, Your Highness!

> Shaking my head, I turn
>and walked away.

CROW: Shaking my head, I attempt to sort out the tense of that
sentence.

> *I'm going, whether Aunt Sally likes it or not!!!

TOM: Oooh.... feisty!
MIKE: Could you please not use that word in reference to a 10-year-
old?

>I'm not her kid!!!* I froze at that thought.

MIKE: "Tails' Lover!" It'll chill you to the very bone!
TOM: Or send you to an early grave...

>
>"I'm not her kid..." I whispered, eyes widen then I chuckle, twisted
>my tails and started flying.
>

TOM: [starts shaking] Ow! Make the tense-shifting stop!

>
>~later
>

CROW: Ladies and gentleman! The Scene Change!
MIKE: Aren't there better ways to indicate the passage of time in
writing?
TOM: You mean like '-------------------------------------------'?
MIKE: Er... not exactly. Let's move on.

>
>"Wow..." I gasped. The floating island was indeed a sight to see.

TOM: Indeed! To behold its magnificence was nary an experience
on which to pass!
MIKE: OK, now YOUR grammar is hurting my head.

>Looking down I saw the echidna I came to meet.

MIKE: [Knuckles; waving hand] I'm not the echidna you're looking
for....

>
>"Knuckles!!" I waved to the Guardian, who was sitting on a large
>rock in middle of the river.
>

CROW: Hey, I think that's the most description of setting we've
had the entire fic!
TOM: And not one mention of anyone wearing "tennis!"
MIKE: See! There's hope yet!

>
>~~~Knuckles
>

MIKE: OK, guys. Guesses on what this is?
CROW: Tails introspectively thinking about Knuckles?
TOM: Another scene change?

>
>"Huh?" I looked up to see.. TAILS?!

TOM: Oh no... I think we just switched perspectives.
MIKE: This has the potential to become very confusing...
CROW: I REALLY hope this doesn't turn lemony...
MIKE, TOM: AAAGH!
MIKE: Please! Don't jinx it!
TOM: Mike... hold me.
MIKE: Sorry, but I'd like to avoid physical contact for a while.

> What on Mobius is he doing here?

TOM: It's a Plot Device! Knuckles, run for your life!

>
>"Tails!" I exclaimed, as the cub landed next to me.

CROW: Oh, so now Tails is a young bear. I've heard about being
written out of character, but this has to take SOME sort of
award.
TOM: What are young foxes called? Puppies?
MIKE: I think they're kits.
TOM: You sure?
MIKE: Yeah, I think so.

>
>"Yea! You were expecting...

CROW: [Church Lady] ...SATAN?

> Sonic maybe?"
>
>"Nope, not really.."

MIKE: [Knuckles] Then again, you're not much better.

> I chuckle. "Say Tails what are you doing here
>anyways?"

TOM: [Tails] Oh, y'know... just haven't, um, stopped by in a while.
By the way, is true what Sonic said about you having a
Playstation 2?

>
>"I wanted to see you again.. and... and."

CROW: Uh-oh... I'm detecting the 'Crush on Knuckles' plot twist!
MIKE: I don't think the plot has progressed enough for a 'twist'
to take place.
CROW: Fine. It's a plot... contrivance.
MIKE: Good job.

>
>I felt flatter Tails wanted to see me but I have a feeling something
>up.

ALL: Ummm...
MIKE: [stares blankly at sentence]
TOM: Mike... is something dirty going on in that sentence?
MIKE: [still staring] I'm trying to figure that out.

>
>"Tails? Hey man what's wrong?" I asked,

MIKE: [Tails] Knuckles. Buddy. Pal. Spare 10 bucks for a fox
who's down on his luck?

> placing a glove hand on the
>cub's shoulder.

TOM: Mike... I don't know how much longer this fic can hold out
before degenerating into smut.
MIKE: The two of you, stop it! We've had no indications at all that
this fic is going to turn into a lemon. You'll feel a lot
better if you just stop trying to think about that.
CROW: Fine. But if it DOES happen, don't say we didn't warn you.

>
>Before I had a chance to blink, Tail grabbed me into a hug and
>started crying.

TOM: [Tails] PLEEEEASE can I use your Playstation 2? Just for 10
minutes, then I promise I'll go home!

>
>"Tails? Tails!!? What is going on?"

MIKE: [Tails; sobbing] Someone's writing fanfics about me again...

> I asked worriedly, as I rub the
>kit on the head.

CROW: Wow, look! The author finally starting using the right
animal terminology!
MIKE: Things are looking up!

>
>"Aunt Sally said I couldn't come to.. to... see you.."

CROW: Yep. It's Knuckles. Definitely Knuckles.
MIKE: What is?
CROW: "Tails' Lover." The signs are all in place. Now to just wait
it out.

>
>Ah so that's it! Sal didn't want Tails to come and visit yours
>truly. I wonder why?

TOM: She said that 10-year-olds should probably avoid starring in
slash fanfics.

>
>"Its ok Tails, I'll

CROW: [Knuckles] ...let you use my PS2! Just stop whining already!

> talk to Sally and see what's going on."

MIKE: [Sally; waving hand] I'm not the, er... squirrel you're looking
for...
CROW: That joke only works once, Nelson.
TOM: Yeah, if you needed a 'Star Wars' joke, you could have at least
done something with the fact that she's a princess.
MIKE: Hey, I didn't see either of you try and do any better.

>
>"You mean you won't take me back?"

TOM: I REALLY hope that doesn't mean what I'm interpreting it as.
CROW: Don't think about it, Servo. Don't think about it.
MIKE: I'm so glad that you guys are following my advice.

>
>"Of course not!

MIKE: Whoa, Knuckles... you heartbreaker!

> I mean you here aren't ya?"

CROW: False alarm! Just poor phrasing and bad writing. Move along.

>
>He nodded with a smile, as the tears fell.
>
>"Now how about stopping your crying ok?"

CROW: [Tails] I'll stop crying when this fanfic is over. Deal?

>
>"Okay.." He said, wiping his eyes.
>
>"Ready to go exploring?"

TOM: Shouldn't it stand to reason that Knuckles wouldn't have much
need of exploring his own island?
CROW: Maybe Knuckles just wants to do some male bonding with Tails.
[notices glare from Mike] I mean that in the most innocent
way possible, of course.

>
>"YEA!!!" He cheered, hugging me tighter.

MIKE: Have you hugged YOUR echidna today?

>
>"Then lets go!" I laughed, getting to my feet.
>
>"Walk, fly or...ride?" I asked slyly.

TOM: Knuckles, you sly devil... just what are you up to, eh?

>
>He's eyes sparkle, then he spoke,

CROW: Then changes the tense, and then answered,

> "RIDE!!!"

ALL: [begin humming 'Magic Carpet Ride']

>
>"Hop on kid!" I motion to my back,

TOM: G'AAAH! It's happening!
MIKE: No it's not, Tom! Just keep reading!

> as he hopped on I started running
>across the water.

MIKE: See? Now what did I tell you about getting presumptuous?
You're doing more hurt yourself than the fanfic is.
TOM: [calming down] Sorry about that... I'll be good.

>
>"This is great Knuckles!!" He laughed, clinging to me tighter.

MIKE: Tails seems to be treating Knuckles like a giant plushie.
CROW: You mean that echidnas don't instantly strike you as being
extremely cuddly?
MIKE: Not instantly, no.

>
>I smiled, hearing the laughter of the cub ringing threw my ears.

TOM: Shouldn't that read, "hearing the laughter of the cub ringing
caused my ears to be thrown?"
CROW: Only if that wasn't, in fact, a spelling error.
MIKE: Wow, we're getting some obscure grammar remarks today...

>
>
>~~~
>
>Sonic

MIKE: Hold on to your seats, guys! We've hit another dizzying
mind-swap, if I'm not mistaken.

>
>
>"TAILS!!!!" Oh man where is he?

TOM: [Sonic] He NEVER misses Prince spaghetti night!

> If anything happen to Tails.. I.. I
>don't know what I'll do.

CROW: [Sonic] I paid him ten bucks to do my research paper for
me...
>
>"HEY BIG GUY!!!! WHERE ARE YOU!?!?!?"

MIKE: He might be easier to find if you could see past all the
punctuation.

> I yelled, as I ran around
>Knothole. Tails... Li'bro where are you? Waitaminute! There's Amy!

MIKE: Hey, Sonic's thought process creates about as much of a blur
as when he runs.

>
>"Amy!" I called to the pink hedgehog, stopping short, in front of
>her.
>
>"Huh? SONIC!!" She cheered.

ALL: [cheerleading] Sonic, Sonic, he's our man...!

>
>I didn't want to waste anytime so I spoke, "Amy have you seen
>Tails?"

CROW: [Sonic] Or, if you haven't, do you know anything about
research papers?

>
>"Well... yes as I matter fact I did!" She smiled brightly.

TOM: [Amy] But, it'll cost ya... [cackles wickedly]
MIKE: Tom? Feeling OK?
TOM: [continues cackling]

>
>"Where is he?" I asked impatiently.

TOM: [as Amy, still cackling] I'll never tell you! Never, I say!
MIKE: [lightly smacks Tom's dome; Tom stops cackling] Stop that. It's
freaking me out.

>
>"Is he going to be in trouble?" She asked worriedly.

CROW: [Amy] Because if he is, I wanna watch!

>
>"No." *But you will if you don't tell me!!* I thought.

TOM: Ooh... feisty!
MIKE: That instance wasn't much better, Tom.

>
>"I saw him fly to Angel IsLand..."
>
>I revved up, and left before she could finish.

CROW: [Amy] Heh heh... sucker...!

>
>*Hold on Li'bro, I'm coming!*

ALL: [hum 'Speed Racer' theme]

>
>
>~~~Tails
>
>
>Oh man!

TOM: [Tails] We're in MY mind again! Crud!

> Knuckles is sooo cool! He's the best!

MIKE: I think the author is trying to establish that Tails looks up
to Knuckles just a LITTLE bit...
CROW: [dryly] Gee, Mike. What gave you that idea?

>
>"Um...Knuckles?" I asked, we were both sitting on a branch, munching
>a piece of fruit.

CROW: [singing] Tails and Knuckles, sittin' in a tree...

>
>"Yea Tails?"
>
>"Do you think I'm a little kid?"

TOM: I'll give you a hint, Knuckles: say yes. The fic will end on
grounds of wrongness.

>
>"Well you looked like one,.."
>
>I frowned.

MIKE: Aww, you made Tails sad! You meanie!
CROW: Bad Knuckles! No biscuit!

>
>"but we both know your not." He wink at me, and smiled.

MIKE: [Knuckles] Here's lookin' at you, kit...
BOTS: [groan]
TOM: I thought you were supposed to be supportive, Mike...
MIKE: What? Was it THAT bad?

>
>"Thanks Knuckles!" I laughed, chopping the last of my fruit.

TOM: When you're up in a tree, make sure you slice your fruit into
suitably small pieces, such that you don't inadvertently fall
while eating.

>
>"TAILS!!!"
>
>"huh?" We both looked at each other for a second.

TOM: Aww, it's a Kodak moment...
ALL: Aww....

>
>"That's Sonic!" Knuckles exclaimed.

CROW: [Knuckles] Time to turn off all the lights, lock the door, and
pretend that I'm not home.

>
>"TAILS!!! SWEETHEART WHERE ARE YOU?!!!"

TOM: That had better not still be Sonic...

>
>"THAT'S Sally...."

TOM: THAT'S good.
CROW: Just remember what you're reading here.
TOM: Fine. Ruin my brief moment of hope.
MIKE: Hey, we can still hope that the author never finished the fic.

> I murmur, with a frowned.

MIKE: C'mon, Tails. It takes more muscles to frown than it does to
smile.

>
>"Don't worry man." Knuckles smiled, as he slap my back.

TOM: [Tails] Which made me fall off the branch and land on the ground
below, breaking both of my legs and causing a severe
concussion.

>
>Then without breaking his stride, he jumped down, with a twist.

MIKE: Shaken, not stirred.
CROW: Is *that* how this fic is destined to leave us?

>
>"Awesome!"

MIKE: Rad!
CROW: Tubular!
TOM: Bodacious!

> I exclaimed, hovering at his side.
>
>"Thanks!" He smirked then we headed over to the voices of my
>doom--er Friends.

TOM: Run for you lives! It's Jennifer Aniston!

>
>"Knuckles?"
>
>"Yea Tails?"

CROW: [Tails] Have I mentioned how cool and awesome and wonderful
you are lately?

>
>"If things go ugly, could I stay with you?" I stop hovering and turn
>to face him.

MIKE: On that note, a break is in order.
CROW: Very much so.

[ Everyone exits the theater. ]

[ Take a break. Make up some commercials. ]