[FSC] So You Want To Be An SS: Part 4: The Violence Inherent In The System

[Lunette339]

- [FSC] So You Want To Be A Sailor Scout -
- Part Four -
- The Violence Inherent in the System -
- by Rachel Herndon (Lunet...@aol.com) -

REVISED THEME SONG: "She Is The One Called Freddy-Chan"
(A loud, crashing, electrical guitar strikes a familiar eight notes...)

Fighting evil by moonlight,
Changing gender like the Starlights,
Happens to think that being female bites -
S/he is the one named Sailor Cameo!

Freddy (spoken): I never wanted to do this job in the first place!
I... I wanted to be... a LUMBERJACK!

Freddy won't turn his back on a friend,
But he'll grumble and whine till the end,
Yes, he's the one on whom you can de-pend-
To grumble and whine aaaaaaat...

Sailor Newbie! <"First at last!">
Sailor Callisto! <"Hey! I'm the SATURN-template!">
Sailor Ganymede! <"Yeah! And I'm the Jupiter-template!">
Sailor Io! <"Continuity error!!">

Sailor Bunny! <"No more bunnies! Ever!!">
Sailor Aquarius! <"But they're so cute...">
Sailor Honey! <"Still watching TV! Er, Christine!">
Sailor Saturn! <"Still sleeping...">

...This is just an extra verse, don't pay attention
It's 'cause of all the Scouts I have to mention
'Specially the ones with goofy henshin*-
They are the ones named Sailorrrrrrr...

Sailor Cameo! <"Leaping from tree to tree...">
Sailor Jessica Rabbit! <"The aspen!">
Sailor Annoyance! <"The mighty oak!">
Protoculture Knight! <"The giant redwood tree!">

Yes, she'll do the best job that she can,
Though you should know, she's really a man,
'Cos when Freddy transforms, he becomes Freddy-chan -

She is the one named Sailor Cameo!
She is the one... Sailor Cameo! (ameo, ameo...)

[*henshin = transformation. Pronounce to fit rhyme.]
[Author's Note: In Part 3 I referred to Wendy as being a Jupiter-template.
Wrong. She's a Saturn-template with semi-Jupitery hair. Sarah is the
Jupiter-template. Sorry!]

Last time on 'So You Want To Be A Sailor Scout' -

At the temple, Wendy took another nap... Christine still hadn't woken up
yet.
In the park, Mimet found a bunny created by Lady Kantel. Then Chronos
was afraid Mimet was mad at him, so he told her he knew about the squeaky
doll's message.
At the Nega-Perk, *Sailors Cameo and Jessica Rabbit made the scene!*
Along with Bunny, Aquarius, and Zor, the Scouts collectively did not
notice the *other* bunny created by Lady Kantel entering the Nega-Perk...

* *

The bunny hops innocently into the Nega-Perk.
"Aha! You here at last..." says Adamantium Hedgehog reaches down to pick
it up. Holding it at a level with her head, she looks into its tiny pink
eyes. "Be destroying Sailor Scouts!" she tells it. It blinks at her
innocently. "Well? Go on!" Its whiskers twitch. Cutely.
Sighing, she sets it down on the counter, and picks up the phone.

"What do you MEAN the Terminal doesn't work?" Mistress 9X yelps into the
phone. "This isn't a help line... Look, did you try reading the manual?"
she asks suspiciously. There is a long pause. "What do you mean it's a
BUNNY?" Lady Kantel flinches as Mistress 9X slams down the phone and
rounds on her. "All right, Kantel- how is a helpless bunny going to help
me grasp the power of the Styling Wand??"

Lady Kantel sighs, looking a lot like Wendy. "It's a cunning plan,
Mistress." she explains. "My first pre-Terminal got sidetracked, so I
created another one from the original phone card template."

"You can do that?" Mistress 9X asks.

Lady Kantel shrugs. "Well, yeah. My phone cards fly to Earth, which
takes a while, but they can land anywhere. Then, we fire the TANG gun from
orbit, flooding net.Tokyo with the activation pulse. After that, I can
cause them to produce very useful, cute or attractive objects, or
sometimes small animals... The next bit is sort of shaky. It depends on
what sort of energy the object is subjected to. A burst of Nega-Energy
will cause it to transform into a hideous Terminal, perhaps also riffing
on a popular comedy phenomenon, causing great fear and distress among the
humans. Then the Terminal collects the fear energy, and soon we'll have
enough to harness the power of the Styling Wand."

Three out of four Annoying Sisters and Mistress 9X listen,
disbelievingly to this incredibly complicated, impractical, energy-wasting
and basically silly plan, multiple sweat drops clouding the air around
their heads.

"What?!" Belle snaps. "Who in the Negaverse gave you such a stupid,
convoluted way to make Terminals?!"
"Lord Yunetell did..." Lady Kantel says innocently. Belle, Esperinte,
Eighteen-T and Mistress 9X look at each other cynically.
"Management..." sighs Mistress 9X.
"Anyway." says Esperinte. "So all Adamantium Hedgehog to do is give the
bunny a burst of Nega-Energy?"
"Something like that..." Lady Kantel says... desperately hoping no one
will think to ask her what happens if her pre-terminal objects are
subjected to *positive* energy...
"Okay then!" Mistress 9X snipes, picking up the phone. "That's all I
wanted to know."
"So much for the great and powerful ally." Eighteen-T whispers snippily
to Belle. Lady Kantel hears her, and frowns.

In the park: "Mimet, I heard what my squeaky doll said. What you
programmed it to say." Chronos had just blurted out.
Mimet stops in her tracks. The world around her fades away into a
pastel dream. "So, um..." she says, looking down. "What do you think?"
Chronos turns away, his ears burning. Glowing bubbles begin to float by
the pastel background. "Uh... well..." he scuffs his shoes and kicks at an
interesting-looking rock. "You... do you really..."
"Well..." Mimet blushes furiously. "I... you... we both... uhm..."

To complete the quasi-romantic atmosphere, two gigantic, economy-size
sweat drops appear behind Chronos and Mimet, and hover expectantly. This
is going to be a long job for them both.

Chronos thinks about the possibility of making eye contact, in the hopes
that it might further the conversation, but decides that it may be too
risky. "Maybe.. uh... ahem..." he says. "Er... we should really..."
"Stop using all these ellipses. I completely agree." Mimet says,
changing the subject quickly, to both hers' and Chronos' immense relief.
The pastel background and the bubbles fade away, but they know they'll be
needed again. "And, um, go test the bunny." Mimet says, striding ahead.
"I still think it's evil." says Chronos, trying to regain his composure
as he bats his huge sweat drop away.
Mimet turns around to protest. "Aww, Doc, it is not! You never let me
have any fun!" Unfortunately for the both of them, she accidentally makes
eye contact, and they are reduced to stammering, blushing idiots once
more.
The two giant sweat drops hover over them, amused.

On Earth, Sailor Adamantium Hedgehog listens to her instructions, then
hangs up the phone. "Okay, bunny." she says, picking it up and putting it
on a table. She leans over and stares into its eyes, focusing all her
negative thoughts on the tiny, innocent animal. "Be activating phase one!"
Sailor Adamatium Hedgehog snarls, inwardly sighing. She can tell that Lady
Kantel's Terminals are going to be a lot of work... Then, the bunny's eyes
begin to glow a faint red, and its nose twitches... The table begins to
shake. Sailor Adamantium Hedgehog backs away, clinging to a countertop as
the floor begins to rumble beneath her.
Tiny fangs glisten as the bunny grins.

"Whoa! What's THAT!" Sailor Cameo points at the Nega-Perk, which is
undergoing an incredible transformation, due to the bunny's
transformation. What was once a perfectly innocent, healthy, mainstream
coffee shop is now shimmering, as if in its own private heat wave... and
changing. It stretches, odd angles appearing as it twisting and rises,
becoming different, odd, almost perceptively evil. Blocks of stone erupt
from the ground to reinforce the Nega-Perk's armor, and spikes emerge from
extremely inconvenient places until the Nega-Perk resembles a demon's
fortress, and an incredibly bizarre one, at that.
The Sailor Scouts stare up at the Nega-Perk fortress.
"Wow." says Sailor Aquarius.
"Now what?" asks Sailor Ganymede.

"Uhhh... Mimet!" says the Professor, snapping out of his trance. "Mimet,
I think- we shouldn't go home, we should head for the Nega-perk!"
"But why?" Mimet asks.
"Well... if your bunny is from the Negaphone, then there might be more
of them!" the Professor mutters abstractedly. "They could be secret
weapons! No one would notice a bunny, after all-"
"We have to get there and warn them!" Mimet gasps.

And then, an armor-clad face appears over the edge of the Nega-Perk's
roof, and speaks in an outrageous Chinese accent. "Nihao! Who there?"
"It is I, Prince Zor!" Zor steps forward. "Aka, the Protoculture Knight!
Um." He pauses. "Can we, er, come in and have a look at your coffee shop?"
"Of course no!" says Sailor Adamantium Hedgehog. "You is Sailor Scout
types."
"Well, what are you then?" Zor asks, confused.
"Me? I Chinese!" Sailor Adamantium Hedgehog yells indignantly. "Why you
think I talking this out-rrrageous accent, you silly Protoculture
Kuh-nigget?!"
"But if you're Chinese, then what are you doing in net.Tokyo?" asks
Bunny.
"Mind own business!" Hedgehog replies.
"Then we shall take this cafe by force!" Zor yells, stepping forward.
"You no frightening me, Sailor Scout pig-dogs!" Sailor Adamantium
Hedgehog cries. "Go and boil bottoms, son of silly person! I blowing nose
at you, so-called Sailor Scouts, and you silly Protoculture Kuh-nigget!"
The evil Sailor proceeds to bang on her helmet with her hands and stick
out her tongue at the Scouts, making strange noises.

"On second thought, let's not go to the Nega-Perk..." Chronos changes
his mind for some reason... "It's a silly place."
"Right, right..." agrees Mimet, and the two move on down the street.

Zor's temper is getting shorter. "Now look here, my good wo-"
"I no want talking to you no more, empty-headed animal food-trough
wiper!" Hedgehog continues. "I farting in you general direction! You
mother was hamster, and you father smelt of elderberries!"
Looking at Zor, Bunny raises her hand. "Is there someone else up there
we can talk to?"
"No!!" shouts Sailor Adamantium Hedgehog. "Now go way, or I is taunting
you second time!"
The Scouts pause.
"All right, now this is your last chance!" Zor yells. "I've been more
than reasonable..."

Up on the ramparts, Hedgehog turns away for a moment. Sailor Jessica
Rabbit and Sailor Bunny each tip their heads to the side, and listen...
With their enhanced hearing (as befits bunnies) they think they can hear
faint mooing noises from the other side of the wall...

Zor continues. "...If you do not agree to my commands, than I shall-"
There is a loud "Boing!" and a cow goes flying through the air over the
rampart, and landed, amid great mooing, on Sailor Aquarius. "Have some
MILK with your coffee, Sailor Scouts!" Adamantium Hedgehog taunts.
"Right!" Zor draws his sword. "CHARGE!"
"CHAAAARGE!" cry Sailors Bunny, Aquarius, Jessica and Cameo. As they run
towards the Nega-Perk, they are met by a huge onslaught of live animals of
all sizes that come plummeting down from the ramparts. Amid screams, they
all turn back before even reaching the castle walls, except Bob, who
reaches the stone wall in time to punch it... "Ow!" ...before retreating.

Hedgehog laughs, throwing down a goose. "Hey! This one is for you
mother!" she yells as she tosses a duck at the Scouts. "And this one for
you gran!" Quickly, Zor's party retreats, amidst cries of "Run away! RUN
AWAY!"
Sailor Aquarius is mad. As the Scouts hunker down behind a grassy
knoll out of flying-animal's reach of the castle, he growls, "Fiends, I'll
tear them apart!"
"No no, no!!" Zor says. Then, Sailor Jessica Rabbit speaks up for the
first time. "Zor... I have a plan."

- There follows a long scene where Sailor Adamantium Hedgehog, stationed
atop the rampart, surveys the surrounding countryside and sees nothing,
but hears various sounds of construction- hammering, the felling of trees,
chain saws being operated- from the woods. Eventually, amid a great
squeaking of wooden wheels, a giant wooden rabbit is wheeled out of the
forest by Zor's group. They wheel it right up to the front gates of the
Nega-Perk and leave it there, returning to the concealed spot behind the
grassy knoll to watch. A minute later, the castle gate opens, and a dark
shape peeks out. Then, the shape disappears, and a strange voice could be
heard speaking with Sailor Adamantium Hedgehog. "C'est un usagi, un usagi
de kawaii."

"What's that?" Sailor Jessica whispers fearfully.
"A Terminal... " Sailor Ganymede whispers back.

Soon, Sailor Adamantium Hedgehog and the
Terminal-that-used-to-be-a-bunny's head appear around the edge of a door,
then disappear again. "Qua?"
"Un usagi!"
"What?"
"A rabbit!"
"Ah, Usagi-kun!"
"Kawaii, allons-y! Er, it's cute! Let's get it quick, Mistress!"
"Plan good!" The two minions of the Negaphone creep out and wheel the
rabbit into the cafe, closing the gate behind them.

Behind the knoll, Zor turns to Jessica. "What happens now?"
Jessica smiles. "Well, now, Bob, Sarah, Bunny, Freddy-chan and I wait
until nightfall, and then leap out of the rabbit, taking the Negaphone by
surprise."
Zor sighs, a sweat drop sliding down the back of his head. "Who leaps
out?"
Jessica points to each Scout. "Uh... Bob, Sarah, Bunny, Freddy-chan and
I... uh, leap out of the rabbit, uh..." Bob groans. Jessica pauses. "Oh...
um, look, if we built this large wooden badger... eek!" she yelps as the
giant wooden rabbit comes soaring over the fortress wall. Panicking, the
Scouts disband with great shouts of "Run away, run away!" but the rabbit
lands on Bob.
"Ow!" Bob groans. "Why me?"
"I have a bad feeling about this..." Sailor Cameo mutters. "We need to
change our tactics, Zor."
"I agree with Freddy-chan." Jessica holds up a small portable computer
in a red case that Professor Chronos gave her. "Look." she points to the
readout. "According to these readings, all this strange behaviour is being
caused by that Terminal. It has intense strength, stamina, and
intelligence. But I think that if we could get it outside the Nega-Perk,
then we could have a chance of destroying it."
Zor nods. "Good. I have a plan..." he says, striding forward.
"Zor, what are you doing?!" Sailor Aquarius yells.
"Come back!" Sailor Ganymede cries.
Zor looks up at the newly remodeled Nega-Perk. "Hey! Hedgehog! Where's
that weakling Terminal you're hiding?"
Sailor Adamantium Hedgehog looks at Zor and laughs. "So-called weakling
could beat you any day, foolish Kuh-nigget!"
"Shall we see about that?" Zor draws his sword. "I propose a single
combat! Me and the Terminal!"
"Zor! NO!" Bunny yells. "Don't do it!"

"Too late!" snarls a heavily accented English voice. "TERMINAL PYTHONITE
IS HERE!" Terminal Pythonite is a dark shape, that looks kind of like an
English knight in armor, except it is also fuzzy, like a bunny, and short.
It is armed with a sword, which it swings menacingly.

"Ah... now we see the violence inherent in the system..." remarks Sailor
Cameo.

A short battle ensues, where Zor, relatively unencumbered by armor,
easily dodges the slow and heavy strikes by the Terminal Pythonite.
Finally, Zor dodges a mighty swing, steps aside, and cuts the monster's
left arm off with his sword. Blood spurts from the Terminal's open
shoulder. Zor steps back. "Now stand aside, worthy adversary."
Terminal Pythonite frowns. "'Tis but a scratch."
"A SCRATCH? Your arm's off!!" Zor yelps.
"No it isn't!"
"Well what's that then?" Zor points to the arm lying on the ground.
Terminal Pythonite frowns. "I've had worse. Come on, you pansy!"
Reluctantly, Zor sallies forth again, and easily cuts off the Terminal's
right arm, causing it and its sword to drop to the ground. Blood spatters
freely from the stump.
"Victory is mine!" Zor turns to the Scouts, grinning. Suddenly, he is
kicked onto his side by Terminal Pythonite.
"Come on, then!" Terminal Pythonite kicks Zor again.
"What?!?"
Terminal Pythonite kicks Zor some more. "Have at you!"
Zor gets up angrily. "You are indeed brave, Terminal, but the fight is
mine!"
"Ohhh, had enough, eh?" teases Terminal Pythonite.
"Look, you stupid bastard, you've got no arms left!"
"Yes I have! It's just a flesh wound!" The Terminal kicks Zor again.
"Look, STOP that!" Zor yells.
Terminal Pythonite laughs. "Chicken!! Chicken!!!!"
"Look, I'll have your leg!" Zor threatens. Terminal Pythonite continues
his kicking. "RIGHT!" Zor, chops off the Terminal's leg with his sword.
Terminal Pythonite hops closer, now on one leg. "Right! I'll do you for
that!"
"You'll *WHAT*?" Zor says incredulously. "What're you going to do, bleed
on me? You're loony!"
"Terminal Pythonite ALWAYS TRIUMPHS! Have at you!!" Terminal Pythonite
hops around, trying to kick Zor with his one remaining leg.

"Don't worry, Zor, I'll take care of this!" says a cheerful voice from
nowhere.
The rest of the Scouts look around curiously, then say The Line That
Must Be Said In This Situation...

"Who's there?!"

"It is I!" giggles a strange voice. The Sailors and Zor look across the
street to see a mysterious figure, standing on top of a mailbox. "Have no
fear, Sailor Scouts!"
"Are you thinking what I'm thinking?" Sailor Aquarius asks Zor quietly.
"Is that..." Sailor Ganymede leans forward, squinting.
"Could it be?" Sailor Bunny wonders.
"Yes! It's me, Sailor Newbie!" cries the figure, assuming a heroic pose.
"Huh- wha... aaaaugh!" she cries, flailing her arms in a vain attempt to
keep her balance, but inevitably falling off the mailbox and landing
clumsily on the sidewalk.
"That's Sailor Newb all right..." Ganymede and Aquarius say to each
other, and run over to help her up.
"Waaaaaaahhh! Why can't I ever make a GOOD entrance!" Sailor Newb cries.
"Oh well. Look, Zor, if that Terminal is bugging you, just let me deal
with it!" She steps forward, with a smile...

"NEWBIE... SPAMMING... ACTIVATION!"

"Eaargh!" cries the Terminal as thousands of 'make $10,000,000 in just
five weeks!' notices, trolls, and advertisments for luxury yatches fly
towards it, suffocating it in a haze of impenetrable annoyance.
"Spam, spam, spam, spam ..." the Sailor Scouts chant.
"Wait a minute... isn't it spelled 'yacht?'" Bob questions.
"Shh!" Sailor Ganymede elbows him.
"Lovely... spaaam!" Terminal Pythonite cries as its final appendage
disappears. It is now just a torso and helmeted head.
Sailor Newbie grins.
"I guess it's true. You would chew your own leg off to avoid Internet
spam." Sailor Aquarius remarks to Sailor Ganymede.
Blinking, Sailor Cameo approaches Sailor Newbie shyly. "Wow... you
know, you kind of remind me of... You're very... I mean, okay, so you're
not a..." Sailor Cameo stops and thinks for a moment. "Actually, you don't
remind me of my old girlfriend at all. Never mind." she turns away.

Medium size sweat drops appear around everyone's head. The really giant
ones are currently busy across town with Chronos and Mimet, whose hands
accidentally touched as they walked down the stairs into the
Negabasement...

Sailor Newbie blinks. "Uh, okay... Oh, I get it! This is one of your
lesbian friends, isn't it?" she whispers to Sailor Ganymede.
"What? No!! I AM NOT A- oh, not again..." moans Sailor Ganymede. "Uh...
Jen, what are you DOING here, anyway??"
"Well, my contract states that I have to do *something* at least once
every five episodes. But now- I have to go!" said Sailor Newbie. "Due to
the fact that the author knows nothing about my personality or powers!
Byeeeee!" She disappears into the shadows, which is a nice trick because
it was still only about five o'clock in the afternoon.
"Well, I don't know, I thought the author did a very good job,
actually-"
"Oh, stop sucking up, Zor, you've had your big scene already..." Sailor
Ganymede sighs.
Zor sighs as well, looking at the limbless Terminal. "Well, guess that's
that..." he mutters, and they head for the gate of the Nega-Perk.
"Ooh! Had enough, eh?" Terminal Pythonite calls after them. "Come back
here and take what's coming to you! I'll bite your legs off!"
"Aaaugh!" Zor flinches. "Look... how about you new girls take this one?
...In honor of Sailor Newbie."

"Okay!" says Jessica, assuming a heroic pose. "Invited by a new author,
I am Sailor Jessica! Created by the forces of technology, I fight for
love, justice and gender equality!"
"And invited by Belldandy, I am Sailor Cameo!" Freddy-chan cries in a
light alto. "In the name of momentary crossovers and guest appearances- I
will punish you!"

"And now for something completely different!" said Jessica.
"NUCLEAR CHRONOTOON..." she began.
"COSMIC COMET..." Freddy-chan added.
"...STRIKE!!"
"...DESTROY!!"

Sparkling and spitting bouts of flame, the two attacks merge in mid-air,
hurtling towards the unfortunate Terminal.
K A - B O O M!!!
"Aww, you're no fun anymore..." wails the Terminal, collapsing into
itself, leaving only a blackened phone card and a fading dial tone
behind...
"Dusted!" Jessica and Freddy-chan hi-five happily.

"Look! The Nega-Perk! It's going back to normal!" Sailor Bunny points.
And it is. With the energy of the Pythonite bunny Terminal no longer
powering it, the twisted facade of the Nega-Perk fortress was disappearing
like a bad dream, revealing the cheerful neighborhood coffee shop beneath.
Suddenly, the door slams open. "You NO get away with this!" Sailor
Adamantium yelps. "I be back, and crush you like tiny, tiny bugs beneath
Doc Marten boot!!" She crosses her arms, nods her head, and disappears in
a rush of dark flame.

Zor blinks, and turns to Sailor Jessica. "Did you say Chronotoon?" he
asks. "As in Professor Chronos?"
"Yeah... where have you been all my life?" asks Sailor Aquarius. "Uh.. I
mean... where did you come from?"
"Sorry, guys, I can't tell you that just yet." Sailor Jessica leaps
away. "We'll meet again, though!"

Zor looks at the disappearing Jessica, then at Bob. "Do you think she
works for Chronos?"
Bob shrugs. "Why worry about it? She helped, didn't she?"
"Oh... I'm just worried." Zor mutters.
"About *Chronos??*" Bob wonders.
"Well, yeah. I mean, sure, he brainwashed me and made me think I was a
servant of the Negaverse... but he's Wendy's dad, and she really misses
him, you know?" Zor shrugs.
"Wendy's dad brainwashed you? What??" asks Sailor Cameo. "I mean, I
don't want to be nosy or anything, but-"
"No, it's okay." shrugs Zor. "Basically... well, it's a long story, but
he was kind of an evil supervillain. And even though he's good now, he
feels like if he lives with his daughters, the Negaphone and/or the Dark
Kingdom will target them. So he's been missing for a while."
"Oh..." said Sailor Cameo. "But Wendy's a Sailor Scout, right? Can't she
protect herself?"
"I guess he just doesn't want to take that chance." Zor said, walking
away. "Look, I'll catch you guys later." _I have to find Mimet..._
"Yeah, see ya." mumble the other Scouts.

Sighing, Freddy-chan gestures to himself, looking at the remaining
Scouts pleadingly. "Okay, now... how the HELL do I de-transform!?"

[to be continued...]

[Koban TNK]

I'm glad I wasn't in there, 'cause I would have beaten Freddy-Chan up
before they finished the opening credits!

PS. Never fear, Koban the Ninja Kat is here!
LEELA: Shut up, or I will cut out your heart.
DOCTOR: I think you'd better listen to her, Cranleigh.
-Doctor Who, the Horror of fang rock

[Lunette339]

Koban the Ninja Kat wrote:

>I'm glad I wasn't in there, 'cause I would have beaten >Freddy-Chan up
>before they finished the opening credits!

Wow. Didn't I just get through saying, "Now we see the violence inherent
in the system?" I guess I was right.

But why would you want to beat up Freddy-chan? She's a girrrrlll for
pete's sake and we all know girls are defenseless and... er... never
mind...

- Sailor Jessica Rabbit
"RABBIT.... FLAME... BAITTTT!!!"