It's tubular, yellow, and suspiciously *exactly* the same as
        you'd expect a submarine to look like.

        You can even see the brilliant blue eye of Captain Daniel
        Angerous as he scans the horizon for signs of the Evil
        Depth-Star. Little does he realise that the Depth-Star has
        already seen him, and a Photo torpedo is at this moment
        heading on a collision course with the innocent Yellow
        Submarine. Angerous spots the approaching attackers far to late
        to do anything about them, and for the minutes he has left, he
        regrets ever having heard of - let alone becoming a part of the
        Navy of - the Land of Submarines. Any second the Photo torpedos
        will hit.

        There is a flash.

        In the town where Dan was born lived a boy who hated the sea,
        and his friends all left the town for the land of Submarines.
        And he lived a life of ease, in a small cottage overlooking
        acres of farmland. Which, as far as the eye could see, belonged
        to people who weren't him.

        Jack - for this is the person who is doing the gazing - is a
        reasonably tall, unreasonably handsome, irritatingly visually
        perfect male person. And he is currently bewailing his lot in
        life.

        "Fah (He says, for this is what people in fiction do) I don't
        belive my mum. I mean, not giving me my pocket money! What sort
        of mother does she think she is, anyway? "We don't have any
        money" she says, like that's some kind of excuse. Any *real*
        mother would have sold her soul to make sure I'm happy. I *have*
        to have my pocket money, my Playstation II needs a new memory
        card, and Christmas is coming! If she can't afford to give me my
        pocket money, how's she going to buy me presents? I'm doomed! I
        had to go shopping the other day. I mean, *me*. *She*'s supposed
        to be the one who does the shopping and stuff, my job is to make
        sure the house is safe. I went into the fishmongers, and they
        only had fish that had built in harmonicas. I said, I told 'em
        straight, "I've had Tuna fish four nights running already". And
        it's not as if it's my *fault* we haven't any money, I had a job
        once. It wasn't my fault I had to leave because of illness.

        Well, the boss getting sick of me, anyway."

        At this moment, his mother, whose name, incidentally, is Melody,
        came back home.

        "That's it." Melody said "We're finished."

        "How?!"

        "Because I met a friendly policeman, who rapidly became an
        unfriendly policemen when he found out whose cow this was.
        Apparently you owe the government £800 in tickets for going up a
        one way street!"

        "I was only going one way!" pleaded Jack

        "Yes, and it was the wrong one. Didn't you see the arrows?"

        "I didn't even see the flaming Indians! And it wasn't a fair
        cop"

        "Why not?"

        "Well, he said 'Blow into this little bag', so I did, and I
        registered fine. Then he said 'Blow into this *other* bag', so I
        asked him 'Why?', and he said "Cos my chips are hot"

        "Well, whatever. We haven't any money left, I spent the last of
        the money that we had in the world getting you out of trouble.
        We have no food, no electricity, and no phone line. There is
        nothing left to sell apart from..."

        "From what?"

        "Hilda"

        "We can't sell the cow! How will we get to market?"

        "What will we buy things with if we could? The alternative is to
        start by selling your Playstation..."

        "I'll sell it right away" decided Jack, and drove the bovine to the
        nearest Used Cow Lot.

        [To Be Continued]

Yours in total sincerity
        Aquarion