To say he was totally, completely, and utterly shagged out
        from the climb would be a major piece of misjudgement.
        Jack is, as you may have realised by now, not of the brightest
        of stock. He is sitting at the top of this beanstalk, on a cloud
        bewailing his lot, and wondering why in the name of anything he
        didn't bring with him some kind of food. He is hungry. He has
        been climbing the best part of the day.

        The brighter of our readers will remember that Jack was, in
        fact, climbing a /bean/stalk, and therefore had *a* method of
        sustanance at hand for most of the journey. This appears to
        have failed to occur to our hero. As previously aforementioned
        he is somewhat lacking in wit.

        It is for this reason also that he doesn't notice anything
        strange about the figure that has appeared before him.
        Infrequently do people encounter four foot tall beings, let
        alone ones in pin-striped suits and sporting large pairs of
        wings, and so his first question is nothing along the lines of
        "What the hell?" but more upon the general theme of...

        "Oi, mate, do you have any food I could have?"
        "Si." said the small person, handing Jack a slice of pizza.
        Jack ate the slice. It appeared to be Banana and Marmite flavour,
        but wasn't all that bad for all this.

        At this point we remind our readers that both Jack and Elfin - the
        person you are about to meet - are trained storyfolk, and on no
        account should you try this at home.

        Unless you are really, really stupid.

        "Who are you?"
        "I am a magical being blessed with many friends" said the small man.
        "Sorry?"
        "I am the Fairy Godfather" said the man with the wings and the pin-
        striped suit. "Who the hell did you think I was?"
        "Well? I wasn't supposed to know, was I?"
        "Many years ago, I did your father a favour, and the time has come to
        return it."
        "You knew my father?"
        "Yes. Many years ago. He was a kind and generous man, every week he
        would hold a party for the poor of the village, and make sure they
        remained fed. But one week, an Evil Giant moved into town with his
        wife, and had it passed around the village that he had lost all he
        owned in a fire some years ago, and was destitute.
        Your father, Jack, being a kind and generous soul, allowed the Giant
        and his wife a roof over their heads for as long as they needed, and
        the giant - with all the mock gratitude he could muster - accepted.
        Within two weeks, the giant had his plan calculated, and the next day
        he got the chance to put it into action. A cart had overturned down the
        road, and all hands were needed to rescue the contents before they
        soiled. Your father left the house - your mother was away staying with
        relatives with you at the time - and went to assist.
        Meanwhile the giant barricaded the doors and windows, and collected what
        he could of your father's remaining riches. When your father got back,
        the giant refused him entry. When your father continued to attack the
        door of the house, the giant killed him with a tremendous blow to the
        skull.
        When your mother returned, the house was burnt to the ground, all
        possessions looted. She had no choice but to come to me, who told her
        all that had happened. I negotiated a truce with the Giant, to say that
        he would not, as he desired, come and find - and kill - you, on the sole
        condition that you, Jack, were never to know your father's past.
        I have looked after your mother and you for many years, shielding you
        from the giant's evil desires. Now the time has come for you to return
        the favour"
        "Why are you telling me this?"
        "Because the giant has stolen something from the fairy kingdom, and you
        have been chosen to get it back"
        "Why me?"
        "You owe us a favour?"
        "What has been stolen?"
        "The hat that writes the golden books".