To say that jack was tired when he reached the top of the mile high beanstalk would be kinda an understatement.
To say he was totally, completely, and utterly shagged out from the climb would be a major piece of misjudgement. Jack is, as you may have realised by now, not of the brightest of stock. He is sitting at the top of this beanstalk, on a cloud bewailing his lot, and wondering why in the name of anything he didn't bring with him some kind of food. He is hungry. He has been climbing the best part of the day.
The brighter of our readers will remember that Jack was, in fact, climbing a /bean/stalk, and therefore had *a* method of sustanance at hand for most of the journey. This appears to have failed to occur to our hero. As previously aforementioned he is somewhat lacking in wit.
It is for this reason also that he doesn't notice anything strange about the figure that has appeared before him. Infrequently do people encounter four foot tall beings, let alone ones in pin-striped suits and sporting large pairs of wings, and so his first question is nothing along the lines of "What the hell?" but more upon the general theme of...
"Oi, mate, do you have any food I could have?" "Si." said the small person, handing Jack a slice of pizza. Jack ate the slice. It appeared to be Banana and Marmite flavour, but wasn't all that bad for all this.
At this point we remind our readers that both Jack and Elfin - the person you are about to meet - are trained storyfolk, and on no account should you try this at home.
Unless you are really, really stupid.
"Who are you?" "I am a magical being blessed with many friends" said the small man. "Sorry?" "I am the Fairy Godfather" said the man with the wings and the pin- striped suit. "Who the hell did you think I was?" "Well? I wasn't supposed to know, was I?" "Many years ago, I did your father a favour, and the time has come to return it." "You knew my father?" "Yes. Many years ago. He was a kind and generous man, every week he would hold a party for the poor of the village, and make sure they remained fed. But one week, an Evil Giant moved into town with his wife, and had it passed around the village that he had lost all he owned in a fire some years ago, and was destitute. Your father, Jack, being a kind and generous soul, allowed the Giant and his wife a roof over their heads for as long as they needed, and the giant - with all the mock gratitude he could muster - accepted. Within two weeks, the giant had his plan calculated, and the next day he got the chance to put it into action. A cart had overturned down the road, and all hands were needed to rescue the contents before they soiled. Your father left the house - your mother was away staying with relatives with you at the time - and went to assist. Meanwhile the giant barricaded the doors and windows, and collected what he could of your father's remaining riches. When your father got back, the giant refused him entry. When your father continued to attack the door of the house, the giant killed him with a tremendous blow to the skull. When your mother returned, the house was burnt to the ground, all possessions looted. She had no choice but to come to me, who told her all that had happened. I negotiated a truce with the Giant, to say that he would not, as he desired, come and find - and kill - you, on the sole condition that you, Jack, were never to know your father's past. I have looked after your mother and you for many years, shielding you from the giant's evil desires. Now the time has come for you to return the favour" "Why are you telling me this?" "Because the giant has stolen something from the fairy kingdom, and you have been chosen to get it back" "Why me?" "You owe us a favour?" "What has been stolen?" "The hat that writes the golden books".
> Not sure that anybody is going to care in the slightest, > but there will be no pantomime today.
> I might even get as far as plotting the rest of the story :)
> Yours in total sincerity > Aquarion. > Pantomimes die when the audience isn't listening.
Oh no they don't!
"When the moon is in the seventh house, And Jupiter aligns with Mars, A man will write a pantomime, In which an Afper stars. This is the dawning of the Age of Aquarion, The age of Aquarion, A-quar-i-onnn...."
But watch out for the scorpion pit. It's behind you.
Paul Speaker-to-Customers
-- "Bother!" said Pooh. "Living under the name of Sanders has its disadvantages when I want to cash my Giro cheque." (after Dragon Prince)
In article <slrna104cc.qrr.use...@sacrifice.bedlam.bogus>, Aquarion <use...@aquarionics.com> writes
> Pantomimes die when the audience isn't listening.
Oh no they don't! -- Julia Jones Redemption 03, 21-23 February 2003, Ashford, Kent Celebrating 25 years of Blake's 7 and 10 years of Babylon 5 http://www.smof.com/redemption
On Fri, 7 Dec 2001 00:47:08 +0000, Aquarion <use...@aquarionics.com> wrote:
> Not sure that anybody is going to care in the slightest, > but there will be no pantomime today.
I care!
> I might even get as far as plotting the rest of the story :)
Ah! Good oh, carry on.
>Yours in total sincerity > Aquarion. > Pantomimes die when the audience isn't listening.
Sorry, what you are taking as a deafening silence is actually rapt attention.
All the best John Leith -- nos...@birdy.dircon.co.uk - That is really my e-mail address. AFP Code 1.1a AC$ d+ s:+ a UP++ R+ F++ h+ P5+ OS--: C++++ M- pp--- L+ c B+ Cn PT++ Pu40- 5++ !X MT+ eV+>+++ r++++ y+++ http://www.appiehouse.co.uk
On Fri, 7 Dec 2001, Aquarion wrote: > On Thu, 06 Dec 2001, Aquarion <Aquarion> put forth: > > To say that jack was tired when he reached the top of the > > mile high beanstalk would be kinda an understatement.
> Not sure that anybody is going to care in the slightest, > but there will be no pantomime today.
> I might even get as far as plotting the rest of the story :)
> Yours in total sincerity > Aquarion. > Pantomimes die when the audience isn't listening.
Who isn't listening?
I've been following it. My news feed was down so I was using your web page.
BTW, I'm gonerrea, an ogre and Jack the Ripper in comparison to your Mr Rabies, Knight and Charles Manson. I'll try some of the others, too.
-- Andrew <agi...@ecs.soton.ac.uk, a_ir...@yahoo.com>
> On Fri, 7 Dec 2001 00:47:08 +0000, Aquarion <use...@aquarionics.com> > wrote:
>> Not sure that anybody is going to care in the slightest, >> but there will be no pantomime today.
> I care!
Aha, Good. Someone does :)
>> I might even get as far as plotting the rest of the story :)
> Ah! Good oh, carry on.
*Might* involves tuits...
>>Yours in total sincerity >> Aquarion. >> Pantomimes die when the audience isn't listening.
> Sorry, what you are taking as a deafening silence is actually rapt > attention.
The problem with Usenet is that it is *impossible* to tell
Yours in total sincerity Aquarion -- In the last month(ish), AFP has had 22 FAQs, 277 Cascades,953 Meta- Messages, 4123 Messages Irrelevant to Terry and 933 that aren't. 35 about Games, and 162 Annotations. Oh, and 193 Fandom messages. That's 7143 total messages, (426 Messages untagged)
> > Phew, someone else is gonorrhea too! I'm so glad, I > thought I was the only > > one.
> Nope ...me too :) oh ..and Mr White , Imelda Marcos , Birth > of Venus > and Auric Goldfinger . I guess you just cannot win them all > :)
ebola, a scragg, Legolas, Imeldo Marcos, Jaws, Mr. Pink, stuck on level 23 of that damn laser game... and dreading what he's have me doing whan its my turn in the panto...
>> > Phew, someone else is gonorrhea too! I'm so glad, I >> thought I was the only >> > one.
>> Nope ...me too :) oh ..and Mr White , Imelda Marcos , Birth >> of Venus >> and Auric Goldfinger . I guess you just cannot win them all >> :)
> ebola, a scragg, Legolas, Imeldo Marcos, Jaws, Mr. Pink, stuck on level > 23 of that damn laser game... and dreading what he's have me doing whan > its my turn in the panto...
Aquarion Usenet Industries, Doing Bad Things To Good People since 1996
On Fri, 7 Dec 2001 10:46:59 +0000, Aquarion <use...@aquarionics.com> wrote: <snip>
>>> Pantomimes die when the audience isn't listening.
>> Sorry, what you are taking as a deafening silence is actually rapt >> attention.
>The problem with Usenet is that it is *impossible* to tell
No it's not - rapt silence is when you can't see yourself hearing, whilst deafening attention is when everyone is clamouring to hear you. You just look out for the opposite signs when you are looking for the other things.
MP (who is now very confused, but suggests a scene where Jack's mum and a random other silly person sit down on a bench and end up scaring off a terrifying monster after much wandering around asking the audience where it is. This should take place whilst Jack needs a big costume change, or whilst a major scene change is going on, eg, when we need to go inside the giant's castle)
> Not sure that anybody is going to care in the slightest, > but there will be no pantomime today.
Oh yes they will! As for the next part......It's behind you!
> I might even get as far as plotting the rest of the story :)
Shhh! Stop posting and get plotting. I'm not about to start speaking for anyone else, nor even contemplate what any other afpers are thinking at this precise moment. <g> However, speaking for all of me, I can certainly say I'm looking forward to the next chapters.
> On Fri, 7 Dec 2001 10:46:59 +0000, Aquarion <use...@aquarionics.com> > wrote: ><snip> >>>> Pantomimes die when the audience isn't listening.
>>> Sorry, what you are taking as a deafening silence is actually rapt >>> attention.
>>The problem with Usenet is that it is *impossible* to tell
> No it's not - rapt silence is when you can't see yourself hearing, > whilst deafening attention is when everyone is clamouring to hear you. > You just look out for the opposite signs when you are looking for the > other things.
> MP (who is now very confused, but suggests a scene where Jack's mum > and a random other silly person sit down on a bench and end up scaring > off a terrifying monster after much wandering around asking the > audience where it is. This should take place whilst Jack needs a big > costume change, or whilst a major scene change is going on, eg, when > we need to go inside the giant's castle)
I'd really, *really* be so much happier if you hadn't said that.
Melody S-K wrote: >> Phew, someone else is gonorrhea too! I'm so glad, I thought I was the only >> one.
> Nope ...me too :) oh ..and Mr White , Imelda Marcos , Birth of Venus > and Auric Goldfinger . I guess you just cannot win them all > :)
Have I missed something? -- Stevie D \\\\\ ///// Bringing dating agencies to the \\\\\\\__X__/////// common hedgehog since 2001 - "HedgeHugs" ___\\\\\\\'/ \'///////_____________________________________________
> "Speaker-to-Customers wrote ... > > "Bother!" said Pooh. "Living under the name of Sanders has its > > disadvantages when I want to cash my Giro cheque." > > (after Dragon Prince)
> So I just borrowed them of Skipweasel on URS so sue me.
So should I credit Skipweasel or you?
Paul Speaker-to-Customers
-- "Bother!" said Pooh. "We've drawn Argentina, Sweden and Nigeria in the first round." (after Dragon Prince, or possibly Skipweasel)
> On Fri, 07 Dec 2001, John Leith <John> put forth: > > On Fri, 7 Dec 2001 00:47:08 +0000, Aquarion <use...@aquarionics.com> > > wrote:
> >> Not sure that anybody is going to care in the slightest, > >> but there will be no pantomime today.
> > I care!
> Aha, Good. Someone does :)
> >> I might even get as far as plotting the rest of the story :)
> > Ah! Good oh, carry on.
> *Might* involves tuits...
> >>Yours in total sincerity > >> Aquarion. > >> Pantomimes die when the audience isn't listening.
> > Sorry, what you are taking as a deafening silence is actually rapt > > attention.
> The problem with Usenet is that it is *impossible* to tell
> Yours in total sincerity > Aquarion > -- > In the last month(ish), AFP has had 22 FAQs, 277 Cascades,953 Meta- > Messages, 4123 Messages Irrelevant to Terry and 933 that aren't. > 35 about Games, and 162 Annotations. Oh, and 193 Fandom messages. > That's 7143 total messages, (426 Messages untagged)
Speaker-to-Customers <octa...@mcb.net> wrote: > "When the moon is in the seventh house, > And Jupiter aligns with Mars, > A man will write a pantomime, > In which an Afper stars. > This is the dawning of the Age of Aquarion, > The age of Aquarion, > A-quar-i-onnn...."
I've been wanting to do some Aquarion-spoof of Aquarious, such as this, for a long time now. I've never got any good ideas. Thank you for this.
-- Marco Villalta
Danish graffiti from 1984: "Fighting for peace is like fucking to become a virgin again!" Collected by Torben Olsen
