MSTied: "Euphoria"
Kielle
EUPHORIA
A tentative little MSTie by Kelly Newcomb (kie...@aol.com)
It's been said before but I'll say it again, because it's the
first time I'VE said it: this is my first shot at the SOL, please
be kind...no, no, on second thought, if I can dish it out I should
be perfectly prepared to take my medicine right in the kisser.
Let's face it: I'm a sad strange MSTie fangirl who heartily enjoys
being mean and vindictive under the guise of "good wholesome
fun." Just wait until I sink my fangs into a fanfic! So go right
ahead and say whatcha really think. Unless you're Euphoris
or a close personal friend thereof, in which case I'm in biiiig
trouble. Well, Kielle, ya knew the job was dangerous when
ya took it...
Euphoria isn't mine -- ye gods and goddesses, if it WAS mine
I'd deny it, too. As always, Mike & the 'bots & the SOL &
the general concept all belong to ze Best Brains. Bite me hard,
Comedy Central -- you'll never know what you destroyed.
Have fun playing endless "Dr. Katz" marathons as you sink
unmourned into oblivion...bwah hah hah!
> Subject: The EUPHORIA Tape... now a Best Seller !!
CROW: By L. Ron Hubbard.
MIKE: PLEASE say this isn't a promotional stunt for
Tangerine Dream.
TOM: Or Enigma.
CROW: Or Clannad.
MIKE: Or Meat Loaf.
ALL: Amen.
> From: Euph...@BlitzMail2.net
> To: USNet...@FreeWorld.org
> Date: 96-05-05 09:04:45 EDT
MIKE: Quick-fire!
CROW: Evil Demon Turkeys!
TOM: Equally Deluded Tunisians!
ALL: Euphoria -- Don't Try!
> I.C. Products, Postal Box 418, Oldsmar, Florida 34677
> The EUPHORIA Tape
CROW: <drunken old lady voice> "This is Laundry Assistant
First-Class Maggie McApron. We've taken over! The ship is
ours! We're setting out for the planet EU-PHORIA! We're
gonna get off this blasted ship and have some fun! Yee-haw!
EU-phoria!"
TOM: Crow Tiberius Robot -- irrepairably warped in his
formative years by Doctor Demento.
> Do The Euphoria Tape alone the first time, and then
> with a lover.
TOM: <drooling pervert tones> And then, then, when they
fall asleep, you can do it alone again and again, ooo, yesssss...
CROW: Sure, like any loser ordering this tape can get within
three feet of a member of the opposite sex.
> It's a phenomenon you will feel within
> the first 3 minutes of use -- what you feel the rest of
> the time is unbelievable.
MIKE: Unbelievable agony, that is, as "45 Minutes Of
Mariah Carey's Best High Notes" kicks into gear three
minutes into the tape.
> The Euphoria Tape.
CROW: Huh? Oh yeah, almost forgot what we were talking
about for a moment there. I don't know how to thank you,
Euphoris.
TOM: <muttering> I don't know WHY to thank you, Euphoris.
> It was first whispered about on college campuses, and
> only experimented with in seclusion, or among close
> friends in private settings,
MIKE: <brightly, a la an embarrassed Yakko Warner>
Gooooooodnight everybody!
CROW: I KNEW there was a reason I wanted to further
my education!
> but it has now become a cult rush
TOM: <bursts into a particularly screechy verse of
"Tom Sawyer">
> and is considered the next passion of our
> Cyber lifestyles.
CROW: What? And give up surfing outre newsgroups in
search of kinky farm-animal .gifs? Never!
MIKE: That's it -- I'm passwording the screensaver.
> The Euphoria Tape.
ALL: <monotone> We hear and obey.
> Not a drug, not a chemical, but
MIKE: Almost as good a way to waste your money.
> an audio stimulation of
> brain centers controlling pleasure. And agony. And ecstacy.
CROW: And that funny little nameless feeling you get when
you realize a second too late that you've just bitten into a
sandwich covered with ants.
> The buzz. An audio mesmer signal strokes the base of the
> mind, choking out pain sensations and producing the violent
> flow of...
ALL <squirm about uncomfortably with various cries of
"Eww!" "No!" "Don't say it!">
> euphoria.
ALL: Oh. Uh...huh?
CROW: Rats. And for a moment there I thought it was going
to become a snuff post.
> The Euphoria Tape.
TOM: Kinda like The Turin Shroud, only much tackier and has
never been on the cover of National Geographic.
> Copies have changed hands from friends to friends to other
> friends.
TOM: Now THAT sounds distinctly unhygenic.
MIKE: I would make a biting social comment at this point, except
for the fact that I HAVE a life and can't remember the name of a
single member of the "Friends" cast.
GYPSY: <from offscreen> Richard Basehart?
<Tom does a rimshot>
CROW: Um, I've seen the name "Jennifer Aniston" come up
in TV Guide a lot.
MIKE: Who's she?
CROW: Some kind of fright-wigged succubus, I think.
> It is not regulated, there are no laws yet restricting
> use of The Euphoria Tape.
MIKE: By the same token, of course, there are no laws
mandating common sense in average Americans.
> The Euphoria Tape is rushing the masses.
> *************************************************
CROW: <craning his neck> Miiiike, I can't see past the "fence"
to get at that last line!
MIKE: Ah, let it go...I'm sure it was incoherent anyway.
> Stereo audio cassette.
TOM: For orgasms in BOTH ears.
MIKE: Eargasms?
<Crow giggles>
> Shipped immediately upon receipt of $10.88
> personal check or money order.
CROW: Oh! Oh! Check it! It's one of Chris "X-Files" Carter's
magic numbers!
TOM: Nope. You're thinking of 10-13.
CROW: But 8 plus 8 is...no...ohhh, forget it. <sulks>
> Absolute satisfaction guaranteed (and
> experienced) or full purchase price refunded.
> Offered only to adults 18 years or older.
TOM: As opposed to 13-year-old adults.
MIKE: Online, you'd be surprised.
> *******************
> I. C. Products
MIKE: ...I.C. France, I.C. Euphie's underp...ah forget it.
CROW: <curt and crotchety, a la Robert Picardo> No, I
DON'T see any products.
> Postal Box 418
> Oldsmar, FL 34677
> *******************
CROW: Hey, should we rip on the address this time around?
TOM: No -- I'm just not in the mood to think up any new
Florida jokes.
> Tape Duplication prohibited and prosecuted.
> Add $2.00 for Scientific Treatment.
ALL: Huh?
CROW: I think they make Stephen Hawking buff the tapes all nice
and shiny with a chamois made from Madame Curie's tanned hide.
TOM: You're disgusting.
CROW: <casual shrug> It's a living.
> Get extra tapes as gifts: add $7.00 for each add'l tape.
TOM: <announcer> Alienate your friends! Vaguely disturb your
enemies! Perfect for that nameless great-aunt with the weird hat
who gives you a sloppy kiss and a box of white knee-high socks
every single Christmas!
> Canadian funds please add $3.00.
MIKE: They have to smuggle these tapes over the border
inside mooses, you know.
CROW: Really?
MIKE: <a la the IRS guy in the Doritoes commercial> _No_,
not REALLY.
> Copyright 1995-96 I.C. Products, All Rights Reserved.
TOM: All Lefts Belong To The WORLD!
> Sorry, replies to this message cannot be answered. You
> will NOT receive another opportunity to experience The Euphoria
> Tape.
MIKE: <fervently> Oh, if ONLY that were true.
> National distribution inquiries invited.
> -------------------------------------------------------
MIKE: Hmmm...
TOM: No, Mike! Don't encourage him!
MIKE: I was thinking more in terms of nationally distributing
_Euphoris_. Y'know, in bloody-yet-expertly-prepared bite-size
pieces?
CROW: Mike! That's sick...! <admiringly> You're learning!
MIKE: <modestly> Aw shucks. <evilly aside, a la Elmer Fudd>
He don't know me very well, do he? Heh heh heh.
<Mike gets up and wanders out, taking Tom with him as usual.
Crow remains behind, obviously doing something insulting the
direction of the screen. A moment later Mike sticks his head
back into the theater>
MIKE: Crow?
CROW: Just a min', Mike, I'm not done spitting on the post.
<pah!> <pah!> <pah!>
MIKE: Yes, you are.
CROW: But I've still got some saliva left...!
<Mike casually grabs Crow by the "grille" and hauls him out of the
theater spluttering and protesting.>
This is to test the waters. Future efforts will hopefully include host
segments, beginning sketches, "push the button," etc. You can find
lots more (and better!) MSTies at the following FTP sites:
ftp.ee.pdx.edu:/pub/mst3k/misties
ftp.cleaf.com:/pub/mst3k/MSTings
ftp://ftp.best.com/pub/owls/XMST (X-Files episodes!)
Feedback is appreciated. Reposting the above is cool as long
as my address and disclaimers stay on it -- I love e-mail and
hate being sued! And if this should prompt you to write your
own MSTie, send me a copy please please -- I collect 'em!
--
> The buzz. An audio mesmer signal strokes the base of the
> mind, choking out pain sensations and producing the violent
> flow of... euphoria.