[MSTing] "The Jane's Crisis Tetralogy", Pt 2/2

[pinkboy]

========================================================================

[OPEN on theater. Mike files in, carrying Tom and rubbing his head.
Crow follows, and they take their seats.]

Mike: This ban on doing things is giving me a headache.
Tom: Is the gas having any effect on your short term memory?
Mike: [after a pause] Gas?
Tom: Never mind.

> What She Deserved? Part 1/2

Crow: Darn, I was never good with fractions. Is that the ruminator,
or
the reanimator?

> by The Unknown
> (scre...@gurlmail.com)
>

Tom: Once it's edgy. Twice it's anti-social. Now, it's just sad.

> Scene 1: The locker areas. We see Daria grabbing her books.

Mike: Her books slap her. Daria learns a lesson about boundaries.

> She feels a tap on
> her shoulders;

Crow: Her performance was so wooden, she got mistaken for a sugar
maple.

> startled she jumps. She turns around to see Jane.
>
> Daria: Could you stop doing that?
>

Tom: [Jane] Well technically I did when you turned around.

> Jane: What? Oh sorry.
>
> Daria:So where's Joanna?
>

Mike: Pounding out another Britcom with Saunders. Called
"Glitterball".
Seems lame.

> Jane: Who knows maybey she's attempting to skate off the roof. (A)
>

Crow: Nah. We can't be THAT lucky.

> Daria: O.K where's Brandon?
>
> Jane: Over there. (Points towards Jamie)
>

Crow: [Jane] I think he ate him.

> Daria: Jamie White? With out the other two J's?
>

Mike: Yeah, Wheel of Fortune needed them when they made "Jumping Jack
Flash" a bonus puzzle.

> Cut to Brandon, and Jamie.
>
> Jamie: So like how do I tell Quinn I like her?
>

Crow: ["Speech" short] You must be pleasing. Use plenty of lip and
tongue action.

> Brandon: Will you could just flat out ask her.
>

Tom: Hey, Will's tired of fighting your battles!

> Jane, and Daria walk up.
>
> Jane: Or you could write a mushy poem.
>

Mike: Inscribe it on a bowl of Wheateena.

> Joanna walks up to them. Board in hand.
>

Crow: Hacksaw Jim Duggan!

> Joanna: Jamie. Write a song. Music speaks.
>

Tom: She writes the songs that make the whole world invest in
Earplugco.

> Jamie: Thanks Sandi. I didn't know you were a musician.
>

Mike: Oh, he's seen her band.

> Joanna: (Glaring) My name's Joanna.(B)
>

Crow: Joanna B? What is that, her street name?
Mike: I don't know. Ask Ja Daria over there.

> Jamie walks away from them whistling.
>
> Jane: (To Joanna) Why don't you chop your hair?
>

Crow: [Jane] With an axe? While it's draped around your neck?

> Daria: And risk the fact that she won't look like Sandi.
>

Mike: Dry wit! Now in new wit-free!

> Brandon: Or risk the fact that people will think the actual Sandi went
> insane?
>
> Joanna: I'm not cutting my hair.
>
> (They walk to class)
>

Crow: OK forget the hair, how about cutting your screen time so we can
get some DARIA in our Daria story!

> Scene 2
> We see the Fashion Club.
>

Tom: Through the crosshairs of a telescopic sight.

> Quinn: So like who should I go with?
>
> Tiffany:Oh Joey definately.

Mike: You know, Johnny Dangerously's cousin?

>
> Stacy: Yeah!
>
> Quinn: What about you Sandi?
>

Crow: [Sandi] Me? Go with Quinn? She's not even the prettiest latent
in the room.

> Sandi:(Deadpan)Umm like go with Jamie.
>
> Quinn: Umm o.k. Whatever.
> Pause

Tom: "Speed 3: Girl Talk!"
Crow: [Reeves] If the conversation starts, it will explode.

> (The three are waiting for Sandi to reply "Maybey you should be
> president.")
>

Mike: Wow, the new edition of "$25,000 Pyramid" is hard!

> Sandi: Yeah whatever.
>
> Stacy: Sandi. What's wrong?
>
> Sandi: What do you mean?
>
> Tiffany: Like usually you act like a conceited snob.
>

Tom: [Sandi] Ok. Um... Go with Jaimie, you bitch.
Mike: [Quinn] Much better!

> Quinn: No offense.
>
> Sandi: Look nothings wrong. (She storms off to the bathroom.)
>
> Quinn: Sheesh what crawled up her ass and died?
>

Crow: My desire for a Richard Gere joke here shames even me.
Mike: As well it should.

> Scene 3: Show Sandi at the sink crying.
>

Tom: Life in Lawndale is so much easier since they switched to a
binary emotion system.

> Sandi: Why did this have to happen to me? Now I know how Jane felt when she
> was raped.

Mike: [Sandi] Suddenly I feel like following that skateboard chick
around,
and becoming the wall she bounces her character against!

> God; this is my fault. I've always acted like a bitch. Now I got
> what I deserved. (Cut to flashback) We see Sandi with some guy.

Crow: [Sandi] Why did I say that? It sounds like the scene set-up or
whatever.

>
> Sandi: Like this car sucks. So did that dinner.
>

Mike: [Sandi] So did the air quality. And you call that a cirrus
cloud formation?

> Guy (Neil): (Gritting) Look bitch; I've tried pleasing you for I don't know
> how long.

Tom: [Neil] My inability to tell time is really starting to catch up
with me!

> Yet all you can do is act like a cold hearted bitch.

Crow: [Sandi] Wow, your rude, misogynist words must belie some inner
beauty. Boink me.

> Will I guess there's
> only one thing that'll make you happy.
>
> Sandi: Umm what?
>

Mike: The complete "Sex In The City" collection on cassettes or DVD!

> (Neil is in his driveway now. He gets out. Sandi follows him. He opens the
> door to his house.)
>

Crow: [panicked] The stage directions are coming from inside the
house!

> Sandi: Like I should go home. (She starts to walk off)
>
> Neil: (Grabs her) I don't think so bitch.

Crow: Uh-oooh...
Tom: Mike, I'm getting some deja spew here.
Mike: Be strong, Tom. Be strong.

> (Before she can reply he drags her
> to his room, then shoves her on the bed.)

Tom: [sinister] We're gonna play trampoline whether you like it or
not!

> Do exacly what I say. If you don't
> I will fucking kill you. You understand you little bitch?
>

Crow: [Sandi, indignant] I am perfectly average height for a bitch my
age.

> Sandi: Y-yeah
>
> Neil: Good; now do you know what I'm going to do?
>

Tom: [sick] All too well.
Crow: Mike, this isn't fair! A second rape scene?
Tom: What did we ever do to the Unknown, other than humiliate her in a
public forum?

> Sandi: Umm uh uh uh. You wouldn't.
>
> Neil: Oh I could,

Mike: [Sandi] I said wouldn't, not couldn't!

> and I will.

Crow: [Sandi] You willn't! I mean- aw, scrap it. Just do your perv
thing and get on with the story.

>
> At this he rips open her shirt. Then with a knife he slices off her bra.
>

[All whimper.]
Tom: I can't look. I can't look.

> Back to present.
>

Crow: Huh?
[All breathe a sigh of relief.]
Crow: OK! God exists! Cool!
Mike: Then why'd he let the first rape scene happen?
Crow: I said he exists, I didn't praise his attention span.

> Sandi: Oh God. (She starts crying again. She then runs out the bathroom)
>

Tom: [weepy] I loved that bra so much!

> Scene 4: Show Joanna in Ms Barcs class.
>

Mike: Barcs has bite!
Crow: She does, too.

> Ms Barc: Now for our final announcement. Study for the test tommorow.

Tom: Look both ways before you cross the street. And don't inhale
spray
paint and drive.

> Of course
> to all you conniving males; don't bother.
>
> Kevin: All right! Did you hear that Mack Daddy?
>
> Mack: Don't call me that!
>

Crow: Call me Maurice!
Tom: o/~ WHAP, woooow! o/~

> Ms Barc: Shut up both of you!!
>
> Joanna: Ah the sweet sound of Miss Bitch.(C)
>

Mike: o/~ The hills are alive! o/~

> Ms Barc: What was that Sandi?
>
> Joanna: My name is Joanna.

Tom: [Barch] When you learn my name, Lucky the Leprechaun, maybe I'll
learn yours.

> The bell rings releasing the students. Joanna walks out to greet Daria, and
> Jane.
>
> Jane: Yo.
>

Crow: Adrian.

> Joanna: Hey.
>

Mike: Pleased to beat you.

> Daria: Hi.
> (Pause)
>

Tom: [after a long, deep inhale] AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUGH!
Crow: [wailing] DO something! For the love of God!
Mike: Guys, come on.

> Jane: Some conversation.

Tom: Even the characters can't stand it.

> They see Sandi walking by with her head down.
>

Mike: Wow, she's good at walking on her hands.

> Joanna: What's with her?
>
> Daria: Hmm you're right. She's acting more umm..
>
> Jane: Normal?
>

Crow: Dariaworld! Where despair isn't just normal... it's a badge of
honor!

> Daria: Not as snobbish.
>
> At this time the FC walks up to them.
>

Mike: The Fish Cakes?
Tom: The Forbin Colossus?
Crow: The Fine-young Cannibals?

> Tiffany: Umm Daria's couisin, or whatever?
>
> Daria: Yeah?
>
> Tiffany: Like what's wrong with Sandi?
>

Tom: Let me rephrase. What's DIFFERENT about Sandi?

> Quinn: Yeah she's acting weird.
>
> Stacy: Oh yeah.
>
> Jane: She's probaly mad about some shirt.
>

Crow: Some brownshirt. The Hitler Youth opposes her stand on casual
wear.

> Joanna: Oh yeah.
>
> Tiffany: I guess.
> They walk off.
>

Tom: The Lawndale debate team, ladies and gentlemen. Give it up.

> Joanna: Guess well have to crack this case.
>

Mike: [baying] Rooby rooby rooooo!
Crow: Eh, at least Will got some time off. Hope he's relaxing.
Tom: Yeah. He works too hard.

> Scene 4: We see the Griffins at the dinner table.

Crow: Tearing apart an elk carcass.

> Linda, and Tom are eating; Sam
> and Chris are flinging food at each other; Sandi just pics at her food.
>

Tom: The prophet Elijah impatiently waits for his wine.

> Linda: Sandi how was your day?
>
> Sandi: (Deadpan) Great.
>

Mike: [Sandi] Collared a perp for stretch pants abuse. Felt good.

> Linda: What's wrong Sandi? Wait I know what'll cheer you up.

Tom: [Linda] I'll stick forks in my baked potatoes and make them
dance!

> That boy Neil
> called.
>
> Sandi: (Jolts) Neil?
>

Crow: You know, the one who's been a miner for a heart of gold?

> Linda: Yes Neil. You know he's a sweet young man.

Mike: [Linda] But I hope he'll remember, a southern man don't need him
around anyhow.

> You should go out with him
> tonite.
>
> Sandi: (Quivering) I d-don't want t-to.
>

Tom: Mel Tillis: The Teenage Girl Years.

> Linda: Why?
>
> Sandi gets up from the dinner table and runs to her room.
>
> Cut to Sandi's room. We see her face down on the pillow crying.

Mike: She just found out Seth Green wasn't on Teen People's "25
Hottest"
list.

> Five minutes
> later her mom walks in.
>
> Linda: Sandi what's wrong? Why are you crying?
>
> Sandi: (Muffled)Pheratmeph
>

[All snicker.]
Mike: Pheratmeph?
Tom: Pheratmeph, the only methamphetamine with pheromones.

> Linda: Sandi get up from that pillow!
>
> Sandi: He-he-he
>

Crow: [Sandi] Your attempts at mothering are hilarious!

> Linda: (Exasperated) What??
>
> Sandi: (Giving in) He raped me.
>
> Linda: Oh is that it? Well just get over.
>

All: Wha?
Tom: Huh, look. Andrea Yates's competition for "Worst Mother of the
Year".
Crow: There's only so much a man can boo until the boo has no meaning.

> Sandi: (Yelling) How could you?? I've just been violated, and I'm supposed
> to act like it's o.k?
>

Mike: [Linda] No, you're also supposed to score me a pack of Camels.
And none of that menthol crap!

> She runs out of the house crying.
>
> End act 1
>

Tom: End my act of feigning interest. Fine!

> Begin commercial break.
>
> #1. A commercial.
>

Mike: Wow, of all the numbers to have advertising budgets!
Crow: At least, I hope it's the number, and not-
Mike: Don't even say it.

> Begin act 2
>

Tom: Begin act of pretending my respect for the literary form of short
fiction is still intact.

> Scene 1.
>
> We see Joanna in some work out room.

Crow: Concern yourself not with scene details, dear reader! All you
need to know is, our plucky little Joanna has returned!

> She's puncing on a punching bag. She hears
> the doorbell ring.

Mike: She wonders who put the doorbell button on her punching bag.

> We see her answer it.
>
> Joanna: Oh hey Sandi.
>
> Sandi: Umm like hi. Can I like stay over here?
>

Tom: In some workout room? That's sad.
Mike: You can sleep on the leg press. If you need a pillow, just
grab
a 20-pound hex from the dumbbell rack.

> Joanna: Why what's wrong?
>
> Sandi: I ran away from home.
>
> Joanna: Why?
>

Crow: [Sandi] Prince spaghetti night. I HATE Prince spaghetti night!

> Sandi: I'll tell you, but you have to promise not to say "I told you so"
>
> Joanna: What?
>

Mike: It's a rhetorical statement signifying precognition. But that's
not important right now.

> Sandi: I was raped.
>
> Joanna: (TVO)

Crow: Oh good, we can fast forward through this part.
Tom: That's Tivo. It's a different thing.

> Geez 2nd one. Wonder how many more I have to put up with.

Mike: Oh, has her personal pain inconvenienced you? I'm so sorry.
Tom: Rape victims never consider how their whining affects the people
around them.

> (Speaking) Geez I mean you can be a conceited snob at some points,but
> somebody doing that? That's low.
>

Crow: [Jo] You come CLOSE to the point of deserving to be raped, but
not quite.

> Sandi: Oh geez thanks alot.
>
> Joanna: Did you go to the hospital?
>

Mike: [Sandi] Enter a white building after Labor Day?

> Sandi: No.
>
> Joanna: What about unplanned parent hood?
>

Tom: Well, it's a poor pun based on misunderstanding the Planned
Parenthood mission.

> Sandi: No. Why?
>
> Joanna: To see if you're pregnant, or have STD's
>

Crow: Stone Temple Doctors?

> Sandi: I don't want any one to know.
>
> Joanna: (slightly rolling her eyes) No one else will know.
>

Tom: [Yosemite Sam] Rape victims is so stupid!

> Sandi: Fine I'll go there tomorrow; but could you come with me?
>
> Joanna:(TVO) Be thankful you two look alike, or else people will assume
> you're gay.

Mike: Yeah, I'm sure it has nothing to do with your nose ring, biker
tattoos and boxing abilities.

> (S) Umm sure. Anyways make your self at home.

Crow: Leave tiny colonies of toenail clippings on my coffee table.

> I'll show you your room in a
> bit. Do you want anything to eat?
>
> Sandi: Do you have any lowfat salad?
>

Tom: [Jo] I have lard and butter slaw with tallow vinaigrette.

> Joanna: Dear Sandi you're not fat.
>
> Sandi: Will do you?
>

Mike: [Will, chuckling] Why yes I do, Sandi! And I brought enough for
everybody!

> Joanna: Will I was fixing some chicken cheese enchiladas.

Mike: [Will] Can't we have both?

> That is if you can
> handle the heat.
>
> Sandi: Umm like o.k. Do you have a T.V?
>

Tom: No, she's an Amish skateboard fighter. WHAT DO YOU THINK,
EINSTEIN?!

> Joanna: Yeah in the den. To get to elaborate NC-17 movies type in 3RT5T.
>

Crow: To access simpler porn, type "HOT-N-HORNY".

> Sandi: Will your parents know?
>
> Joanna: Sandi between you, and me. I have no parents.(D)
>

Tom: Oh.
Crow: Hm.
Mike: So! With that nonsensical revelation, let's have no reaction
and
faaaaade to black.

> Scene 2: Show The Helen sittin on the couch

Crow: "The" Helen?
Tom: Yeah, she successfully sued the others for trademark
infringement.

> doing some paper work. The phone
> rings. She picks it up.
>

Mike: David Mamet writes a paragraph. It doesn't help.

> Helen: Helloo!
>
> Linda: Hello Helen?
>

Crow: [Helen] That's THE Helen to you, fishface!

> Helen: What?
>
> Linda: Is Sandi there?
>
> Helen: No why?
>

Tom: [Linda] Some new Sprint promotion. I get five cents a minute
every time a call a place Sandi isn't.

> Linda: Will she ran out of the house crying, and I thought maybey she was
> with Quinn.
>
> Helen: No she isn't did you try the other girls?
>

Mike: Yes, they were delicious!

> Linda: Yes, yes I did. She's not there. This is all my fault.
>
> Helen: Wait. Why is this your fault?
>
> Linda: Like you would care. *click*
>

[All snicker.]
Crow: Boy, this story's "Huh?" to "Ew!" ratio is bouncing around like
a flea!

> Helen: (Looks at phone. Mutters.) Bitch.
>

Mike: [Jake] Yes dear?
Tom: [Helen] Not YOU, Jake. Honestly!

> Scene 3: We see Daria in Jane's room.
>

Crow: Spreading gasoline on her bed. Jane will soon learn not to
stick
her nose in Tony Soprano's business.

> Daria: I can't believe there's something up with everyone favorate bitch.
>

Mike: Stephanie McMahon?

> Jane:(Painting) I know. She's usually really conceited.
>

Tom: The cruelty of teenage girls, now in a jagged little pill!

> Daria: Do you think maybey something bad happened to her?
>

Crow: No, her complete mental breakdown was caused by ice cream. WAKE
UP!!!

> Jane: Will we could call Joanna.
>
> Daria: Fine.
>

Tom: There's no real reason Jane should think Joanna has a clue about
this, right?
Mike: None I can see.
Tom: Soooo... why isn't Jane using her psychic powers to win the
lottery?

> Jane moves away from the painting; which by the way is a picture of an
> exotic dancing Sandi surrounded by skeletons watching her.
>

Crow: Wow, she really captured how much The Grateful Dead enjoy "I
Dream
of Jeanie".

> Daria: (Flatly) Nice painting.
>

Mike: [Daria] You should try it with your head outside your butt
sometime.

> Jane: (Picks up phone. Dials) Hello is Joanna there? Oh hey!
>
> Joanna: What can I do for ya.
>

Tom: BURN IN THE FIRES OF HELL FOR ALL ETERNITY!
Mike: Tom, please.
Tom: Oh, eat me, Nelson. I'm sick of her.

> Jane: Did you find out what's wrong with Sandi?
>
> Joanna: Yeah. You're not going to like what you hear.
>

Crow: Well, since you're speaking, that's kind of a given.

> Jane: What?
>
> Joanna: She was raped.
>
> Jane: By who?
>
> Joanna: Some guy. Name's Neil.

Mike: He's got a kinder, gentler machine gun hand.

> What's really upsetting her is that when she told
> her mom; she said to get over it. Like she didn't give a damn.
>

Tom: [Jo] We're alike in so many ways.

> Jane: Oh man. Listen I gotta go.
>
> Joanna: "Kay bye. *click*
>

Crow: [Jane] But my name's not Kay! What is it with these people and
my name?

> Daria: So?
>
> Jane: She was raped. What's even more sad is that her mom doesn't give a
> flying fuck.

Tom: She, the great winged prostitute of lore!

> Daria do you think Sandi gets her bitchy attitude from her mother?
>

Mike: Odd context for a genetics dissertation.

> Daria: (Monotone) Will they look alike if that's any indication.
>

Crow: The true message of Daria. You CAN judge a book by its cover!

> Jane: I kind of feel bad for her. I mean she did try to take Brandon away,
> but she didn't deserve that dammit!(E)
>

Tom: Yet another character contrasts their goodness to that of the
bitchy, conniving rape victim!

> Daria: So do I. Even though Stacy called saying she had a dream where Sandi
> was chasing her with a bloody chainsaw.(F)
>

Mike: True, it was turned off and packed in its case, but still...

> Jane: That poor little girl needs some guts.
>

Crow: Let's make her a mess of mama's down-home chitlins in gravy!
Mm!

> Scene 4: we see Sandi, and Joanna in Sandi's temporary room.
>

Tom: [Jo, the psychiatrist] Now Sandi. Tell me about when you first
realized I was cooler than you.

> Sandi: (Blurting out.) I wish I was never born.
>
> Joanna: Shocked) Why?
>

Crow: [Sandi] Sorry, thought I could lure a guardian angel down here
so
I wouldn't have to talk to you. Guess not.

> Sandi: (Crying) Because I know damn well I take after my mother. She was a
> bitch.

[All groan. Crow shakes his head.]

> She is a bitch, and she always will be a bitch.

Mike: See, these pie charts R&D banged out show an SBC- a Solid
"Bitch" Circle.

> Maybey if I killed
> myself everyone be happy.
>

Tom: YAAAAY- oh wait, Joanna wasn't speaking. Damn.

> Joanna: Sandi. Dammit snap out of it. Look Sandi you may have some traits
> of your mom which you can't help,

Crow: Like double jointedness, and sickle-cell anemia.

> but does that mean you have to be a clone of her?
>

Mike: Be the best damn bitch you can be!

> Sandi: Ph. Yeah maybey I can sit on a microwave.
>

All: Ummmm...
Crow: OK, that's inappropriate even for ME.

> Joanna: No you can't. They have't done that in the movies yet.(G)
>

[All stare at the screen.]
Mike: [throwing his hands up] OK! I give up. If Unknown isn't
reading
what she writes, I don't see why I should.
Tom: We've crossed fully into Dadaism.
Crow: Dadaism with ADD.
Tom: [murmuring] Well, you can't spell Dada without ADD.

> Sandi: Look I deserved what happened to me.
>
> Joanna: Why?
>

Crow: [shamed] I ate all the Frusen Gladje.

> Sandi: Because I complained about the date.
>
> Joanna: So you acted like a bitch.

Mike: So you're a clone of your hideous mother, genetically condemned
to
be a bad person no one could ever love. So what!

> Sandi that gave him no right to do that.
>
> Sandi: Yeah, will.
>

Mike: [sighing] Will again.
Tom: I visualize him as Eric McCormick playing Will Truman.
Crow: Mm, I prefer seeing Alyson Hanigan as Willow Rosenberg!
Tom: [chuckling sneer] You would.

> Joanna: Did you call the police?
>
> Sandi: Yes I did. (Cries again) They let him off, because they believed
> him.
>

Crow: [Sandi] It was a case of he said, bitch said!

> Joanna: Sandi get some sleep. I'll be back in an hour.
>

Tom: [Sandi] An hour?
Mike: [Jo] Yeah. Get some sleep so I can immediately disturb it.

> Sandi: But.
>
> Joanna: No buts.

Crow: [Sandi] But I like big buts, and I can not-
Mike: Stop.

> She exits. We see her walk to a room filled with many weapons.

Tom: I'm guessin' there's a big empty space where the "Rapier Wit"
should be.

> She glances at
> them then grabs a bo staff.

Crow: As endorsed by Bo Bridges!
Mike: No, Crow.
Tom: "Beau".
Crow: Oh.

> (It's a long stick [Eww!] Not that! [O.K])

[Mike sighs, stretches.]
Mike: Welp. Saves us the trouble.
Tom: Small favors, I guess.

> She
> twirls it around. Then puts it back up. She grabs a blow dart shooter
> (Whatever the hell they're called)

Crow: Great. A sinister conspiracy to make people say the word
"blowgun".

> She grabs her skateboard.)
>

Tom: She drops the blowgun. She bends to pick it up. She cracks her
head on the table.

> Joanna: It's payback time.
>

Mike: Joanna McCoolcool IS Jean Claude Stallone IN "Final Deathwish 3:
Sudden Vengeance 2!"

> Scene 5: We see Neil walking along Dega Street*
> *Why is it the people must walk on Dega Street?*

Crow: Oh! I know this! Becaaauuse... they were nailed to the
chicken!

> Cut to Joanna who has the blow dart gun positioned at her mouth. She
> inhales a breath of air

Tom: >THUP!<
[Mike makes choking noises and clutches throat.]

> then blows. We see the dart traveling in slow motion. It hits him
> in the neck.

Crow: It's her way of asking Neil to sing "The Needle and The Damage
Done".

> He gasps,

Mike: [Neil, gasping] Rock and roll will never die! Arrrrgh...

> then falls over.
>

Tom: Good shot David Crosby! Now Stills and Nash, go tie him up!

> Joanna:(As if talking to an audiance.)

Mike: [author] No, not you. Some different, cooler audience!

> don't worry folks. He'll be back.(Ske
> skates home.)
>

Crow: [happy] The poison wasn't deadly, it just impairs kidney
functions
and causes night blindness! For fun!
Tom: [grumbling] Christ. I've seen better heroes at Blimpie.

> Scene 6: We see Sandi in the room. She looks around, and sighs.
>

Mike: [Sandi] Who paints a bedroom gray? Those "Decorating Cents"
people must've been here.

> Sandi: Maybey I should call my mom. (She picks up the phone.)

Tom: She slams it down, cracking that stubborn walnut.

> Splitscreen. Sandi. Linda.
>
> Linda:Hello.
>
> Sandi: Mom?
>

Crow: [operator] I'm sorry! To access my love, it is now
necessary to dial "1" plus the area code.

> Linda: Sandi? Is that you?
>
> Sandi:(Little hope in her voice.) Yes.
>
> Linda: Sandi get off that attitute of everyone's out to get you.
>

Mike: [Linda] It's making it really hard to slip the arsenic in your
Vitamin Water!

> Sandi: (Crying) What attitude? I've been raped. What really hurts though is
> that you don't give a damn.

Tom: [Sandi] You're not even TRYING to kill my rapist with obsolete
tribal weaponry!

> Well don't worry mom. You'll never have to see me again.
> *click*
>

Crow: [Linda] Wow. That worked out better than I'd hoped.

> Linda: What'd she mean by that?
>

[All snicker.]
Mike: Half this story is phone conversations between people too stupid
to know which end to talk into!

> Scene 6: We see Sandi at the edge of a cliff.
> What's This Life For? by Creed plays.
>

Tom: Hey guys! Creed's up on the cliff with her!
All: JUMP! JUMP! JUMP! JUMP!
Crow: With head split open! Do it!

> Sandi: I guess this is where it ends. I wonder if anyone will care?

Mike: [raising hand] I do if it ends the story quicker.

> (Disolve to dream sequence. We see the FC sitting around drinking Martinis.

Tom: That's Zima with an olive in it!
Crow: Ick.

> We
> also see Daria,Jane, and A.V* Sitting around.
> (She was in Brassed Off.)
>

Mike: Nnnnno, I saw that movie. It wasn't animated.

> Quinn: Isn't it wonderful? Now that Sandi's dead I can be president!
>

Crow: See, the great thing about the Bush presidency is Cheney never
has to think like this!

> Stacy: Yeah!
>
> Tiffany: I... am...

Tom: [Tiffany] -in a... hurry.

> like... so...

Mike: [tersely] So.

> happy...

Mike: [same] Happy.

> she..

Mike: [getting angry] She!

> died.

Crow: WILL SOMEONE PLEASE GET THIS GIRL A JOLT COLA OR SOMETHING?!
Tom: Man. How can she stay so thin? Her metabolism's slower than a
tree sloth.

>
> Pan to the others.
>

Mike: No, frying pan to HER. In the FACE! Please!

> Daria: Ah yes finally after Sandi's death...
> (Dissolve again.)

Crow: WHAT?! What after Sandi's death?!
Tom: Damn it, you let sloth girl finish her sentence! Why can't
Daria have a complete thought?

> Sandi shakes her head. She looks down at the cliff. Below are some jagged
> rocks.
>

Mike: As well as some plush rocks and some downy rocks.
Crow: This whole cliff was giving her mixed messages!

> Sandi: Guess it's now or never. (Before she falls. A pair of hands grab
> her.)

Tom: Why... it's God! And teenage pop sensation Jewel!
Crow: What're you guys doing here?
Mike: [Jewel] I was opening for Creed on this cliff when I saw Sandi
try to kill herself!
Tom: [God] I also was opening for Creed. [muttering] Friggin' kids.

> Hey let go!
>
> Joanna: SH! Sandi what the hell are you doing?
>
> Sandi: What does it look like?
>
> Joanna: You're going bungee jumping without the rope?
>

Mike: You're trying to impress the Wile E. Coyote fan club?
Tom: You're reconstructing Galileo's Tower of Pisa experiment and
didn't have a heavy weight?
Crow: You took REM's "I Am Superman" a little too seriously?

> Sandi: (Crying) I just want to get out of this.
>
> Joanna: By killing yourself? Look you have a lot to live for.

Tom: The Gap could go bankrupt any day! Don't you want to be alive
for
that moment?

> Don't kill
> yourself.
>
> Sandi: Then how can I get help?

Crow: [puzzled] Help? Life's a pointless series of crushing
disappointments. There's no help.

>
> Joanna: They have a girls counseling group at school. I call it DDD.
> Drugs,Drinking, Deppression.

Mike: That's when Johnny Depp fans realize his career ain't comin'
back
this time.

>
> Sandi: But I don't drink, or do drugs.

Crow: {Sandi] And "Edward Scissorhands" was like SO overrated.

>
> Joanna: True, yet maybey deep down inside the popularity you have
> deppression.
>

Tom: [Jo] He was so good in "Ed Wood"! IT'S NOT FAIR, DAMMIT!

> Sandi: What if it doesn't work?
>
> Joanna: Will you can always pop pills *

Mike: [Will, resentful] Hey! Will gets high on being mentioned in
other people's lives!

> *As in taking medication*
>

[All snigger.]

> Sandi: I'm not convinced.
>

Crow: Neither am I. She meant recreational narcotics.

> Joanna: Sandi. Please don't. Look I didn't want to tell you this, but..
>
> Sandi: You're gay, and are in love with me?
>

Tom: [Jo] No. I'm gay, and I'm in love with you.

> Joanna: HELL NO! Look the reason why I look like you is...
>

Tom: [Jo] I'm gay, and I'm in love with you.

> Sandi: Is what? You're a clone?
>

Crow: No, a Mac.

> Joanna: No I'm you sorta.
>

Mike: Tommy Yousorta? The old Dodger manager?

> Sandi: Huh?
>
> Joanna: It's a loong story that I'll explain one of these days.

Tom: Aah, foreshadowing! Kill her.

> Let's just
> say I'm your alter ego.
>

Crow: Well... OK.
All: [in unison] I'm your alter ego.

> Sandi: Uh buh uh duh.
>

[All cackle.]
Tom: That's Hawaiian for, "Right. Sure. POLICE!"
Crow: Doesn't "uh buh uh duh" come before "said the monkey to the
chimp"?

> Joanna: (smirks)Just don't go blurting it out.
>
> Sandi: Fine. I'll get help.
>

Mike: [Sandi] 'Cuz there's no way I can get you in the straitjacket
alone.

> Joanna: You ready to go back to my place?
>

Crow: And spend the night alone with a total whackjob? Sure!

> Sandi: I guess.
>
> Joanna: First we need to talk to the FC.
>

Tom: [Sandi] To KFC?
Mike: [Jo] Yeah, I think I got Honey BBQ'ed severed human finger with
my Value Meal.

> Scene 7: We see Sandi at Tiffnay's house with the other members.
>
> Quinn: Sandi! What are you doing here?
>

Crow: [Sandi] I've like, broken into Tiffany's house to microwave this
pre-packaged macaroni and cheese?

> Sandi: I was wanting to talk to you guys about my behavior.
>
> Tiffany: O...

Crow: President Bartlett's a high school basketball coach!

> K
>

Mike: Oh, so at least this story's a good source of potassium.

> Sandi: The reason why I was acting strange is because I was umm...
>

Tom: ...out of Corn Pops.

> Stacy: Sandi tell us.
>
> Sandi: Raped.
>
> Stunned looks from all.
>
> Tiffany: Sandi...

Mike: o/~ Can't you see? I'm in misery! o/~

> I...

Crow: Robot.

> am...

Tom: Annoying.

> like...

Crow: [vicious] A cold sore on the inner lip of humanity!

> so...

Mike: A needle pulling thread.

> sorry.
>

Tom: [muttering] Ho, you're sorry, all right, sister.

> Quinn: What guy was it?
>
> Sandi: That's not important.

All: [apoplectic] PFT- WHAT?!

> What's important is that it was like a wake up
> call, and I can't always act like a bitch.

Mike and Tom: [over each other] D'oh, jeez! Fer crying out-!
Crow: Oh, that is IT!
[From god knows where, Crow brings a telephone to his ear, and starts
to dial.]
Mike: Crow, what are you-
Crow: Back off, Nelson. This doesn't concern you.

>
> Quinn: So do I get to be president?
>
> Sandi: (smirks) Not while I'm around.
>
> Joanna: Atta girl!
>

[Suddenly a phone rings on the screen.]

> Sandi: Wait is that the phone? Maybey I'll get it.
> (Sandi walks away from the FC to pick up the phone. She reaches the
> phone. She picks up the phone. She speaks into the receiver.)
> Sandi: Hello?

Crow: WHAT DO YOU MEAN IT'S NOT IMPORTANT WHAT GUY RAPED YOU?!
Tom and Mike: [startled] YAH!

> Sandi: Uh buh uh duh.

Crow: Do you have ANY idea how much PAIN AND MISERY that guy's caused?
Mike: [hushed] Crow, you're gonna get us in trouble!
Crow: [ignoring him] What about the girls he dates in the future?!
What
if one the FASHION CLUB dates him because YOU didn't tell them
who
the flip he was!?

> Joanna: Who is it Sandi?
> Sandi: Like you would care. (Sandi bursts into tears and leaves.)
> Joanna: (TVO) I am so sick of these whiny little rape babies. (picks up
> phone) OK, who do I have to track down and kill now? And you better not be
> gay.

Tom: Sh! Crow! Hang up!
Crow: Hey, I ain't afraid of Little Miss Can't-Be-Wrong. I DARE her to
kill me!

> Joanna: (pulls out a pad and pencil) Can do. What's your address?

Crow: It's 1313 Castle Forrester Lane.
Mike: CROW!

> Joanna: Got it. Thank you for flying Air Joanna. 'Kay bye. (Joanna
> hangs up.)

Mike: [panicked] ARE YOU INSANE?! Pearl's gonna KILL us!
Crow: Hey, how's she gonna find out? She's monitoring your mind, not
mine pal.
Mike: [in misery] Oooooh...
Tom: C'mon, Mike honey. It's done. Let's finish up here. It'll take
your mind off it.

[Suddenly CUT from theater to a tall, chestnut haired man, wearing
jeans
and a red flannel shirt, staining a patio deck in suburban New
Jersey.]

Brendan: [removing goggles] Hi folks. Brendan Herlihy here. Just
wanted-
Wife: [offscreen, angry] BRENDAN! SHE DID IT AGAIN!
Brendan: [after wincing] Just wanted to tell you none of what happened
after that phone rang was actually part of Unknown's story.
Wife: [os] SHE POOPED ON THE DINING ROOM RUG!

[Brendan looks to the house, grimaces, then looks back to camera.]

Brendan: I, er, made that all up. Wanted you to know, because
like Bravo, I respect the artist and their work. Except for
Joanna,
who's probably a self-insertion character. And we all know how
pathetic
you have to be to insert yourself into your own story.
Wife: I'M GONNA THROW THAT CAT IN THE DRYER WITH A SET OF STEAK
KNIVES!
Brendan: Er... carry on. [puts down stain, nervously heads to the
house]
I better... I don't want to have to buy new steak knives.

[CUT BACK to theater.]

Tom: Did you guys hear something?
Crow: Was it like a distant scream, as if a million readers threw
their
hands up in disgust at once, and were then silenced?
Mike: Probably the boiler acting up again.

> Scene 8: Jane is in her room with Brandon.
>
> Brandon: So then Sandi's mom didn't give a shit?
>

Tom: Wow. He is way too obsessed with her constipation.

> Jane: None at all.
>
> Brandon: I feel for her.
>

Mike: [Brandon] I've had some trouble "moving the merchandise" myself.

> Jane: Even though she tried to take you away?
>
> Brandon: Yeah. (Phone rings)
>
> Jane: Yo!
>

Tom: -mama is so fat!

> Joanna: Hey.
>

Crow: o/~ Big spender! o/~

> Jane: So what's the news?
>
> Joanna: Will she attempted to kill herself. Luckily I stopped her.

Mike: By snapping her neck like a fallen twig!

> She'll be
> going to DDD meetings.
>
> Jane: Umm O.K
>

Crow: Whew! Thank god Jane greenlighted her therapy.

> Joanna: Now she's going to have to face her greatest challenge. Her mom.
>

Mike: Yeah. That'll be MUCH tougher than learning to be emotionally
vulnerable with men again.

> Jane: Bummer. Will see ya.
>
> Joanna: Bye. *Click*
>

Tom: Their phone calls are efficient to the point of coldness.
Crow: Yeah, not even end-of-call pleasantries, like "Hope the
skate-fighting goes well", or "Don't kiss the blowgun unless
it buys you dinner first".

> Scene 9: We see Joanna, and Sandi at Sandi's front door.
>

Crow: [Sandi] So like, when I set the dog poop on fire and ring the
bell, shouldn't I run away?
Mike: [Jo] No, just stand there. I'll watch from the bushes.

> Sandi: Guess it's now or never. (Before she can open the door her mom
> walks out.

Tom: [Linda, distracted] So we write her out of the will and get
relieved of being legal guardia- oh hi!

> She gets a suprised look when she see's two Sandis.
>

Mike: [Linda] Oh, great, now you're gonna fight and I have to figure
out which one of you to shoot.

> Joanna: Hell with it maybey I should look like Daria...
>

Crow: Yeah, that would increase the number of characters who look like
Daria to one.

> To Be Continued...
>

[All rise to leave.]
Mike: [pleasantly] Our pain has many layers, which can't be confined
to the boundaries of these pages!
Crow: Thank god we can-

> Notes
>

[All grumble, and return to their seats.]
Crow: Oh right.

> A: This is a joke from from The Wackies.

Tom: Prepositional stuttering! Ask for it by-by name.

> In the comic strip X skates off the
> roof. (And winds up knocking Coolsy unconsiouse.)
>

Mike: Aw, man, I would give so much to be in Coolsy's shoes right now.
Crow: [resentful] Lucky Coolsy. God I hate her!

> B: She looks like Sandi.
>

Mike: Have I pounded that point 'til it's tattooed on your skull yet?

> C:She dubbed her that in AYTG?
>

Tom: Aytg, the red creature you sacrifice artifacts to.
Mike: Tom, you really need to sell some of your Magic cards, guy.
Tom: [aghast] What?! Never!

> D: (Spoilers for Our Alter Egos)

Crow: I believe they opened for Alien Ant Farm at The Bottom Line last
year.

> Being as Joanna is Sandi's alter ego it makes
> since that she wouldn't have any parents.
>

Mike: Well, it sure doesn't make any "sense", so making "since" might
be its only option.

> E: She tried to to take him away in "Brassed Off (Daria)
>

Crow: Someone's someone's spell checker had their double double
word check switched off.

> F: This was on the FC's official home page.
>
> G: A ripoff from the Simpsons.
>

Tom: "Family Guy"? How does that figure?
Crow: Don't ask me. Her switch from numbers to letters has me
completely disoriented.

> Authors View.
>

Crow: Um... isn't that what the STORY'S supposed to be?
Mike: You'd think.

> Oui.

Tom: [French] Dees eez fun! Ouiiiiiiiii!

> This is probaly one of the toughest stories I've written.

Mike: What a coincidence.

> Seeing as how
> alot of people hate Sandi Griffen. Folks what if there was a reason to her
> bitchy attitude?

Crow: There's also a reason preying mantises eat their mates, but it
doesn't make getting your head bit off any easier.

> Personally I do believe it comes from her mom.

Mike: Yes, embrace your deficiencies, for they are your parent's
gift to you!

> Look at both
> their looks, and personalities.
>

Tom: I'm getting uncomfortable at how Unknown wants us to draw
conclusions from people's looks.
Crow: Well, Joanna looks like Sandi. Why isn't she a-?
[Tom and Mike look at Crow]
Crow: Just forget I said anything.

> The following people I would like to thank.
>
> Peter W. Guerin:

Mike: What?
Tom: What?!
Crow: WHAT?!
All: WHY?!

> For being one of the authors who doesn't think Sandi should
> die.

Mike: [incredulous] Someone is actually THANKING Guerin.
Crow: You know what they say. If you live long enough... you'll sorta
wish you hadn't.

>
> Austin Covello:

Crow: International Goombah of Mystery!

> For his essay on Sandi that encouraged me to do the story.
>

Tom: Covello! You will see me after this story, head bowed and
trousers
down!
Mike: OK. That's just WRONG.

> Soundtrack.
>

Mike: Soundtrack?
Crow: Here's the music you didn't hear while reading. I hope you
enjoyed it!

> 1: Open Road Song -Eve6

Mike: Twice as good as Three Dog Night.
Tom: I'd go with 10,000 Maniacs, because it's cheaper to buy in bulk!

> 2: The One- Backstreet Boys.

Crow: No, actually there's a fair number of them performing under
different names.

> 3: Pretty- Korn

Crow: o/~ Pretty Crack Korn, and I don't care! o/~

> 4: Tommorow- Silver Chair

Mike: That's their cover of Mr. Rogers' goodbye music.

> 5: Normal Like You- Ever Clear
>

Tom: But what if the "you" were David Lynch?

> All I can think of.
>

Mike: -is a hot bath and a bowl of no-bean chili!

> Till part 2.
>

[All rise to leave.]
Crow: Next week, we'll be back with more bands struggling for
relevance
in the post-Nirvana morass we call contemporary rock. Until
then,
this is Don Kirschner saying, "Until then, this is Don Kirschner
saying."
Tom: Glad that's over with again, again.
Mike: [shaking head] Thanking Guerin. Sheesh!
[All exit.]

(*)... <2>... !3!... /4\... [5]... =6=... (%)

[OPEN ON Sol Bridge. Crow and Tom are warily regarding a steel
shoe-box sized contraption is on the desk, featuring two bullhorns
attached to the top, and a siren light. Mike enters, and sees the
new
addition.]

Mike: Now what?
Tom: Don't know, but there's a note attached.
Crow: Maybe it's from Pearl?

[Mike removes the note and opens it.]

Mike: Hm. "Mike. Note I didn't use the word 'Dear'."
Tom: It's from Pearl.
Mike: "The attached Activity Detector has been programmed to go off
whenever you or your pathetic metal simulacrums try to do
anything,
like read this note."

[Immediately piercing sirens and buzzers goes off, the bridge goes
dark,
the siren lights up and spins. Mike and Crow cover their ears- it's
painfully loud. Tom just shrieks.]

Tom: AAAAAAAUGH! IT HURTS!
Crow: [shouting to be heard] TOMMY! COVER YOUR EARS!
Tom: [same] WITH WHAT, PING-PONG BALL BRAIN?!
Mike: [same, to Cambot] PEARL!! COME ON! ENOUGH IS ENOUGH!

[CUT TO Castle Forrester. Pearl and Brain lounge, quietly enjoying
some
yogurt together. We hear the piercing sirens from the SOL in the
distance.
Pearl absently fishes in her pocket, takes out her keys, and points
them
at the screen. She pushes a button, and the sirens give that
distinctive
CHIRRUP! of a car alarm before going silent.]

Pearl: [phony empathy] I know it's hard, Nelson. It's hard for me
too,
getting this much pleasure from watching you suffer.
Observer: [offering a fresh container] More Strawberry Banana, Pearl?
Pearl: [leaning back in contentment] This is good.
Observer: This is really good.
Pearl: This is taking candy from a baby good.
Observer: This is setting up a shell company, inflating its value
through
anonymous Internet posts, then selling before the ceiling
collapses
good.

[The doorbell rings.]

Pearl: Bobo! Door!
Bobo: [o.s.] Coming!

[Bobo crosses the background right to left, to answer the off-screen
door, as the scene continues.]

Pearl: This is spraying a flesh-eating virus onto Martha Stewart's
wedding cake good.
Observer: This is rigging the Oscars so a hit-and-run driver gets
hailed as a heroine good!

[We hear FX of a door opening.]

Bobo: [o.s.] Yes, who is it? Oh!

[We hear the FX of a blowgun being fired, and the THUNK! of a dart
hitting
fur.]

Pearl: This is "Celebrity Boxing" good!
Observer: This... [considers] aw hell. It IS "Celebrity Boxing" good!
Pearl: It is, isn't it?

[Bobo enters, slowly, with a dart sticking out of his eye.]

Bobo: Lawgiver? Do we know a Thunk? I asked who was at the door, and
they
said "Thunk", but I couldn't remember if we knew any Thunk.
Pearl: Tell them I'm very busy and I wish they were dead.
Bobo: OK.

[Bobo returns to the door. Pearl and Observer continue to revel in
their
yogurt.]

Bobo: [o.s.] I'm sorry, if you'd like to leave a business card... Oh!
Oh my!

[Bobo's exclamations are each preceded by another blowgun shot and
THUNK!
Bobo returns, now with three darts in the same eye.]

Bobo: Er... they said they'd wait.
Pearl: Oh for the love of-
Joanna: [o.s.] BANZAI!

[Suddenly a gang of skateboarding ne'er-do-wells charge into the
scene,
cracking Bobo over the head with a board, throwing Observer out of
his
chair and dumping yogurt on him, breaking the coffee table to
smithereens with a hoot.]

Pearl: Oh my word! A band of ruffian guttersnipes!
Joanna: Heeeey! That sounded gay. You know, Missus Lady, God created
Adam and Eve. He didn't create Eve and Eve. Unless he named one
of the little bunny rabbits or butterflies he made Eve. Which
would
mean he created Eve and Adam and Eve, Eve Eve and Adam,
and/or Adam and Eve and Eve!
Pearl: [scared] What do you want?
Joanna: Gonna destroy your home and turn it into a bitchin' skate park
for my homies! Wooooooo!
Joanna's friends: Woooooo!
Pearl: [to the camera] Mike! DO SOMETHING!

[Cut to SOL. Crow, Mike and Tom sit, staring straight ahead,
emotionless and motionless. Hold for a few seconds to establish
that,
just as Pearl demanded, they are doing nothing.]

[CUT back to Castle. Joanna and her friends are wrecking the joint.
They pose like kung fu masters before breaking furniture and knocking
lab equipment over. A small fire has started in the back. Pearl is
stage front, pouting.]

Pearl: Oh sure. Take advantage of poor old Civil War widow in her
time
of need. Fine. I hereby, forthwith, rescind my previous blah
blah,
just go ahead you lousy stinkheads, you can do stuff now. But
you
owe me!

[CUT TO SOL. Mike and the bots chuckle and revel in their little
victory.]

Crow: All right! Yeah!
Tom: So how are we gonna stop these little grandkids of Douglas
Copeland?
Mike: Good question. Hey Pearl, you still got that device that
amplifies the truth of any statement?

[Cut to Castle. Destruction continues.]

Pearl: Now, what kind of mad scientist would I be if I didn't have my
device that amplified the truth of any statement? It's tied to
the
SOL communications system, for when I tell you guys how wretched
and unfunny you are.

[CUT to SOL.]

Mike: Good! [He thinks about that, his face falls a little.] Good.
Turn it on and put us on speaker.
Tom: What are you doing?
Mike: Watch. [to camera] Hey dudes. Saw you all leaping around like
little ninjas down there, and... you DO know that that whole
martial
arts thing is over, right?

[CUT to Castle. The gang stops momentarily, and warily approaches the
camera.]

Dude 1: [timidly] Um... what?

[CUT to SOL.]

Mike: I mean, that whole "Crouching Jet Li, Hidden Yeoh" thing. That
was never actually cool.
Crow: [catching on] Yeah, that whole genre of fighters flitting about
on wires? Looked like Peter Pan throwing a hissy fit!

[CUT to Castle. The skateboarders begin to look insecure and scared.]

Dude 2: What... what's he saying, Jo?
Joanna: Shut up! He's bluffing.

[CUT to SOL.]

Tom: And you're not really drinking Mountain Dew, are you? I mean,
any
idiot can see it's nothing but Hi-C with bubbles in it. And only
little BABIES drink Hi-C, right?

[CUT to Castle. The dudes are looking warily at the bottles of Dew
now
in their hands.]

Dude 1: [pathetic] But... it's the Dew!
Dude 2: [weakly] Yeah. Do the Deeeew! [to Jo] I'm still hip, right?
[desperately grabbing Jo] FOR THE LOVE OF GOD TELL ME I'M STILL
HIP!
Joanna: [beginning to break] Don't listen! We're all still cool!

[CUT to SOL.]

Mike: Skateboard all you want, but none of you are ever getting a
video
game named after you.
Tom: Already the world is openly mocking folks who laughed at Tom
Green.
Crow: Or listen to Sum41, Sugar Ray or Slipknot!
Mike: And take the manufactured fantasy of consensual statutory rape
away from Britney Spears, and what do you get?

[CUT to Castle. The gang is cowering, whimpering.]
Joanna: [panicking, covering her ears] Don't you say it! Don't you
say it!

[CUT to SOL.]
All: [in unison] TIFFANY!

[CUT to Castle. The whole gang screams in horror, and abandons Joanna
as they scurry away. Pearl advances on Joanna, now alone.]

Joanna: [nervously giggling] 'Kay bye!

[She tries to run, but Brain Guy and Bobo are behind her, and grab
her.]

Pearl: [threatening] YOU, are without a doubt, the most annoying,
self-
aggrandizing, morally BANKRUPT little vandal I have ever laid my
eyes on. [suddenly pleasant] Have you ever considered an
internship
with a mad scientist?
Joanna: [after a double take] Well... I'm not that good in science.
Pearl: [putting arm around Jo, leading her away] Believe me, there's a
reason the word "mad" comes before the word "science". [throws
camera a dirty look] What are YOU lookin' at?! Get back in that
theater and lick your bowl of pain clean!

[CUT to SOL. Buzzers buzz, lights flash.]
All: OOOH, WE'VE GOT STORY SIGN!!

(%)...=6=... [5]... /4\... !3!... <2>... (*)...

[The threesome enters the theater and sits.]
Mike: Well that had "pyrrhic victory" graffitied all over it.
Tom: Tell me about it.

> Forgive Me, Please.

Crow: I know not what I write.

> by The Unknown

Tom: Huh, great. The one thing I fear writes a fanfic.

> (scre...@gurlmail.com)

Mike: And people say computer geeks are anti-social.

> ================================================================
> Summary:

Crow: Yes, it is unseasonably warm.
Mike: Summary, Crow. Not summery.
Crow: Oh.

> Three years after the rape Jane and Brandon have sex. Evan is
> released from prison with one thing on his mind.

Tom: [Evan, intense] Must... kill... Eva... Savalot!

> ================================================================
> WARNING!!: This has some sexual content in it

Mike: 'Cuz if the content weren't in it, where would it be?

> so if you're squeemish about
> this stuff don't read it! Also note that the characters are in their 20's.
>

Crow: WARNING! These people are in their 20's!
Tom: Prolonged exposure may result in a deluded sense of entitlement.

> ================================================================
> Scene 1: Show the Lawndale prison cafeteria.

Crow: No! I don't wanna!
Mike: [chuckling] Ha. That's still funny.
Crow: [puzzled] Funny? What're you talking about?

> We see Evan walking to a
> table carrying a tray with crap on it.

All: EWWWWW!
Mike: He's in stewardess training!
Tom: [Evan] Yeah, well, have you tasted the alternative? Shepherd's
pie my ass.

> He is about to reach the table at
> the corner when he trips. Food splatters everywhere.

Crow: Nickelodeon's "Oz".

> It also splatters on
> Knife, and Brad.(1)

Mike: "Knife and Brad!" The Odd Couple for our generation!
Tom: Tuesdays, after "Dharma", this fall!

> Knife: Hey, you little shit, watch where you're going.
> Evan: Sorry.
> Brad: Sorry ain't gonna cut it, kid.

Tom: [Brad] Knife's gonna cut it! Ain'tcha, knife?
Crow: [knife] Right-o, Bradley!

>(He rubs his head on the floor hard.)
>

Tom: Evan Buffrag, Human Floor Waxer!
Mike: Shouldn't they put a Swiffer on his head first?

> Evan: Ow!
> Brad: Yeah, ya better be sorry, little boy.
> Evan: Oh, man.

Crow: Walt Disney's "Scared Straight".

> ================================================================
> Scene 2: We see Evan in his cell writing in a diary.
> ================================================================
> Dear Diary April 5, 2002.
> Well, it's been 3 years in prison for the rape.

All: o/~ Happy an-ni-ver-sar-y! Happy an-ni-ver-sar-y! o/~

> I feel well kinda bad for
> raping that girl Jane Lane.

Mike: And people question the rehabilitation value of prisons!
Tom: [Evan] Gosh oh willickers, how this vague remorse lingers like a
tiny potato chip stain on my soul.

> I don't know what got into me. It was like a
> force deep within in me that did this.

Crow: A force about six inches below my navel.

> I tried to stop after that but I
> sexually assaulted some girl Stacy Nibblett on a date.

Crow: [Evan] Then that whole Boston Strangler-inspired killing spree.
But after that, nothing!

> Prison life is pure
> hell. Each day I am subjected to beatings by two guys. I feel really bad
> diary. If only she would forgive me.

Mike: This story really allows us to explore the "sex predator as
victim" question. Does our moral repulsion exceed the physical?

> ================================================================
> Scene 3: Show Joanna, Steven, Medow, and Eric of F.L.I.P rehearsing.
> ================================================================

[All snicker.]
Crow: "F-Lip", ladies and gentlemen. "F-Lip".
Tom: Middle-class teens in a band. Your signpost for suck!

> Joanna: O.K, let's see here. we're going to practice "My Alter Ego".

Mike: Because it's that time of the month again.

> Eric: Man, that's all we ever practice.
> Steven: Don't you have any other songs?

Tom: Well yeah, but they involve more than one chord, playing in key
and stopping at the same time.

> Joanna: Well, no.
> Medow: Ha! I know that look.
> Joanna: What look?

Crow: Heroin chic?

> Eric: You got something, don't you?
> Joanna: Yeah it's called "The Crappy Song".

[All laugh weakly.]

> Wanna hear it?

Mike: Not particularly.

> O.K. (picks up
> guitar. Starts to play.)

Crow: o/~ E-lec-tric youth! o/~

> Crap!crap!crap!CRAP!CRAP!CRAP!

[All snigger. Mike sighs, and punches himself on the side of
the head a couple of times.]
Mike: Ah! Ah! That's better.
Tom: Producers for the band Matchbox20 vent their frustrations!
Crow: Still... they sound better than Nickelback.

> Medow: O.K, we get the point
> Joanna: Good. Look let's just skip today.

Mike: [Joanna] Don't wanna wear ourselves out for our big gig at- oh
wait, we're F-Lip. We have no gigs. Sorry.

> I'll call you back when
> something inspires me.

Tom: So they're safe 'til she picks up the next "Sweet Valley High".

> Eric: O.K.
> Medow:Come on, let's go.
> (The two walk out together. Eric with blonde slicked back hair, blue eyes,
> a baby face. Medow with blonde hair, blue eyes, and pretty short. 5'1" to
> be exact.)

Crow: Ah, so we only know what people look like when they leave the
scene!
Mike: [bitter] I hope we know what they all look like VERY soon!

> Steven: So, can't get inspired, can you?

Tom: [Joanna] Nah, I just wanted to know who the hell those people
were. It was hard to tell while they were in the room.

> Joanna: Not yet.
> Steven: All well that's O.K. (he kisses her on the lips)

Mike: This was the inspiration for her big hit, "Don't Ever Touch Me
Again You Creepy Slug-lipped Man"

> ================================================================
> Scene 4: Show Jane and Brandon at the Lane residence.
> ================================================================
> Brandon: So, you ready for our all day date?

Crow: [Jane] For the last time! I'm your sitter! Now pipe down and
watch
your quasi-religious talking vegetable cartoons.

> Jane: Yeah. What are we doing anyway?
> Brandon: Oh I was thinking first the movie, then a picnic, then the
> carnival, then we could go to a hotel.

Mike: Then a blacksmith, a crack den and a haberdashery.
Crow: The "picnic and carnival" phase of this relationship should've
ended years ago.
Tom: Yeah, the "regrets and recriminations" phase should kick in any
minute.

> Jane: Sounds good.
> Brandon: Really?
> Jane: Yeah.
> Brandon: You sure?

Tom: No.
Mike: Oh?
Crow: Yeah.
Tom: Great.
Mike: Wow.

> Jane: Shut up before I change my mind.

Crow: [Jane] And after I change my mind, too, if you could.

> Brandon: O.K Well, let's go.

Tom: And so, with the complex scheduling of the day sorted out, the
young couple was free to admit that they should indeed begin to
leave.

> (In the car.)

Mike: o/~ Here in the car.
We can read about things.
As they go on their date.
It'll bore you all to tears.
In ca-ars. o/~

> Jane: So, what are we going to see?
> Brandon: Hmm. Haven't decided.

Crow: [Brandon] Dead body sound good? Got one in the trunk.

> Up to you.
> Jane: I don't care.

Tom: Never in history has an author so fully embraced such raw, naked
ambivalence.

> Umm, uh, I guess that remake of "Titanic". I hear both
> Jack and Rose die.
> Brandon: Cool!

Mike: [Brandon] Carnage RULES! We gotta do a "Faces of Death"
marathon!

> (At the ticket counter.)
> Brandon: Two for "Titanic", please.
> Ticket Seller: Agh here's ya tickets.

[All titter.]
Tom: "Agh here's ya tickets"?! What the-?!
Crow: Long John Silver's got himself a McJob.

> Enjoy the flick.

Mike: [pirate] Or I'll KEELHAUL yer scurvy hides! Arrrrgh!

> Jane: O.K do you want me to save us a seat, and you can get the snacks?
> Brandon: Nah. How 'bout you?
> Jane: O.K you want a large coke, and Milk Duds?
> Brandon: Yeah.

Tom: I bet Brandon hears the words "you" and "dud" a lot.
Mike: Brought to you by the Haitian Sugar Cartel. Evil never
tasted so sweet!

> Jane: O.K see you in there. I'll wave.

Crow: [Jane] From my real boyfriend's Corvette pealing away from
the parking lot.

> (Brandon goes in the theater, and see's no one there.)
> Brandon: Alright!
> Jane: Alright what? Oh! (Notices the empty theater.) Woo Hoo!

Mike: [exhaling] So!
Tom: [sighing] Yup.
Mike: Going to the movies.
Crow: Maybe. I don't think the author's really established that yet.
Mike: Agh.

> Brandon: Front, or back?

Crow: Which set of his teeth would you rather pull out with
rusty pliers?

> Jane: Middle.
> Brandon: As you wish.

Tom: [Princess Bride] Wesley!

> (Three hours later.)

Mike: Certainly feels like it.

> Jane: So Rose falls down, and gets chopped up by the propellers?

Crow: Oh why, oh why couldn't it have been Celene Dion?

> And Jack
> also falls trying to save her.

Tom: Then Superman reverses the rotation of the earth, and finds out
Rosebud's a sled.

> That was way shorter than the original.

Mike: So's a colonoscopy.

> (Sorry all you Leo fans. I couldn't resist.)

Crow: So we get an apology here, but not for the explicit rape scenes.
What should I infer from this?
Mike: That the author's more scared of Leonardo Di Caprio fans than
of the general public.
Crow: [pause] Huh. Well when you put it THAT way...

> Brandon: Most of my attention was on you.
> (They've been making out the whole three hours.)

Tom: Immediately contradicting the movie was "way shorter" than
"Titanic".

> Jane: So, now the picnic?
> Brandon: Of course, Madam Lane.
> Jane: Oh shut up with the country accent.

Crow: Cletus, the slack-jawed Backstreet Boy.

> Brandon: Ready?
> Jane: Yeah.

Tom: [Rain Man] Yeah. Definitely ready to go on our picnic with
Charley
Babbit. Yeah.
Crow: Jane Man?
Tom: [after a pause] Shut up.

> ================================================================
> Scene 5: Show Evan in his cell. With Knife, and Brad.

Mike: Knife and Brad must be newlyweds. Can't bear to be apart.

> ================================================================
> Brad: Hey.
> Evan: Look, just leave me alone.

Crow: [Brad] Hey, don't blame us the author keeps comin' back here.

> Knife: Ya know we've been hearing rumors that you might get off for
> parole.
> Evan: Yeah, right.
> Brad: Nah they said possibly. Tommorow.
> Evan: Mmmm hmm. Sure sure.

Mike: Evan has learned how well bullies respond to patronizing
condescension!

> Knife: And that means we get to have one more day of fun.

Tom: [Knife] Thinkin' first a movie, a picnic, the carnival, then
maybe a hotel.

> Brad: Come on, little boy.
> Evan: Hey, leave me alone!
> Knife: Nope sorry. (He picks up Evan, and throws him against the wall.)

Mike: [Knife] We want to play handball with you. LITERALLY!

> Evan: OW!
> Brad: Hmm. I believe the last thing you did was kick that girl.

Crow: Marlo Thomas?

> (Starts
> kicking him) How do you like it? HUH!?

Mike: [Evan] Eh. Compared to that Johnny Cash concert they made us
sit
through...
Tom: Who are criminals to judge other people's sex crimes? These
guys'd
probably dry hump endangered sea turtles.

> Evan: Ow! Stop it, please. (Starts to cry.)
> Knife: Oh the little boys crying.

Crow: [Orbison] o/~ O-ver you! CRY-Y-Y-Y-ING! o/~
Mike: Truly this is a beating three years in the making!

> (Drags him to the toilet, and dunks his
> head in.) Wash yer face, cry baby.

Tom: [Evan] Could you pass my Neutrogena?

> Evan: Oh, please, somebody HELP!
> Guard: Hey, YOU TWO ,CUT IT OUT!!

Mike: [guard] You Arthur Anderson accountants are just totally out of
control!

> Knife: Why, he deserves it.
> Guard: STOP! OR I WELL TAKE DRASTIC MEASURES!!
> Brad: Oh, fine!

[All cackle in hysterics. Crow shakes his head.]

> Evan: Thanks.

Tom: See kids? The system does work, when guards, bitches and their
pimps learn to live together in mutual respect!
Mike: This is the goofiest day care center I've ever seen.

> (Midnight. Evan squints to write in his diary.)
> Dear Diary April 6, 2002
> Well diary. Rumor has it I'll be free tommorow. On parole that is.

Crow: Foghorn Leghorn!
Mike: [Brandon] Kinda weird, seein' how I never met the parole board,
or
accepted responsibility for my crime.

> I
> suffered, a bad beating by those two guys. I really want to talk to Jane,
> say I'm sorry, but I know that's not enough.

Tom: He may have to buy her a pair of those edible panties.

> I took something from her. I
> was like--well you know--the little boy that wants a toy, but can't have
> it, so he steals it.

Crow: [Brandon] This was like that, but with violent sex and facial
scarring.

> Kinda like me. I wanted to go out with her. She said
> "No" and I raped her.

Mike: So in a way, it was kinda her fault, when you think about it.

> But also call me crazy, but it seemed something
> enetered me after she rejected me. It was like a force controlling me to
> do this. Yeah I know it sounds crazy. I wonder what she's doing now?.....

Tom: This whole thing's like a bad TV movie based on that Mighty
Mighty
Bosstones song.
Crow: o/~ I NE-ver, had to, knock on wood! o/~

> ================================================================
> Scene 6: Show Brandon, and Jane at a hotel.
> ================================================================
> Jane: I'm tired.
> Brandon: That was fun.

Crow: [Brandon] The way the scene changed, and you said you were tired
and all.

> Jane: What the carnival, or the picnic?
> Brandon: Both.
> Jane: Hmm.

Mike: Hm.
Tom: Mm.
Crow: Um.
Mike: Agh.
Tom: Ergh.
Crow: Eep.
Mike: Op.
Tom: Ork.
Crow: Ah-ah.

> Brandon: Hey umm listen.

Tom: I can't pay for the room. Got any cash?

> We've been dating for three years. Do you think
> you're ready?

Mike: To see other people? Sure!

> Jane: To do it?

Crow: The Clam?
Mike: The Hustle?
Tom: The Cool Jerk?

> Brandon: Yes.
> Jane: Do you have protection?
> Brandon: Of course.

Tom: Even so, you can always use more life insurance, Brandon. I can
call you Brandon, can't I, Brandon?

> Jane: O.K
> Brandon: Let me go get ready.

Crow: Oh, yeah, no need to start the scene just yet, we can mosey
around for another 20 pages or so.

> Jane: Uh huh. Umm, Brandon?
> Brandon: Yeah?

Mike: [Jane] Who are you, exactly? Never really found out.

> Jane: I, uh, umm, er, uh..
> Brandon: Is anything wrong?

Tom: [Jane] It's just... ever since the store stopped carrying "Wavy
Gravy" I can't stop thinking I should've bought more "Wavy
Gravy"!

> Jane: I wasn't a virgin before the rape.

Crow: And the thought that anyone would care is making me very,
very ill.

> I know I should have told you
> some time ago.
> Brandon: That's O.K. At least you were honest.

Mike: [Brandon] Sure you're a slut, but you're an HONEST slut!

> Jane: Thanks.
> (Brandon goes into the bathroom to get ready.

Tom: ZZZZZZZP! [Brandon] Ready!

> Jane turns on the T.V)

Crow: [Jane] Wonder if I can watch "Blind Date" while he does his
wimpy
sex squirm thing.

> SSW Announcer: On the next "Sick Sad World", porn stars who do the Foo Foo
> Nasty. With animals.

Mike: [announcer] We run out of ideas, next! On Sick Sad World!

> Jane: (Turns off the T.V) I'm going to be sick.

Tom: Mm. Her Ren Hork impression needs a little work.

> Brandon: Huh? Why?
> Jane: Oh I found something repulsive on T.V.

Crow: Well Judge Judy isn't on every channel, sweetie. Try Game
Show Network!

> Brandon: O.K so you ready? (He's standing there wearing boxers only, Jane
> is still dressed.)

Mike: Hey, I was born ready while you stand there wearing boxers only
and
I'm still dressed!

> Jane: Yeah. (They stare at each other for a moment. Brandon leans foward
> to kiss her.

Crow: Uh-oh. I sense a "WB" moment in the making here.

> They kiss gently at first, but then in more passion. She
> removes her shirt,

Tom: Brandon is immediately shamed by her superior ab definition.

> revealing her black bra. Brandon leans her down on the
> bed, then moves slowly to her neck and sucks it gently.

Mike: Mmmm... art necks.

> Jane looks at him.
> His hair in cute little dyed plantinum blonde spikes, along with a few
> sets of brown spikes.

Tom: Bart Simpson, doin' the nasty!
Mike: [to Tom] STOP! OR I WELL TAKE DRASTIC MEASURES!!
Tom: [pouty] Oh, fine!

> His baby blue eyes, his cute face. Then he also has
> a well built body.

Crow: [appreciating] Mm, solid aluminum chassis.

> In fact Jane thinks, "More built than Jess."

Mike: He's added an extension to his garage, and put in a sunroom!
Crow: [shuddering] Ugh. Please don't say "extension".
Mike: Ew. Sorry.

> He worked
> his way down to her bra, and unhooked the clasp in the front. He slipped
> it off with his teeth,

Tom: Using his opposable bicuspids.

> and dropped it on the floor. He then licked her
> right breast.

Crow: How many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie
Roll
Tootsie Breast?
Mike: The world may never know.

> She gave out a small wimper. He then removes her pants, and
> underwear, and let his fingers explore her cunt.

Crow: Her what?
Tom: The female pudenda.
Crow: Oh!

> She gives out more
> whimpers of pleasure, and a few moans. He removes his boxers. Then he
> grabs his cock,

All: [alarmed chicken] Bug-GAWK!

> and inserts himself into her. Despite being a non-virgin
> Jane has to bite her lower lip to keep from screaming in pain.

Mike: [a la hypnotist] Repress! Repress!
Tom: [same] Your pain is irrelevant!
Crow: [same] Your needs do not matter!
Mike: [same] Repress!
> He looked
> at her; the kissed her forehead, nose, lips, and chin.

Tom: They each came off in turn, revealing Jane to be a humungous Mrs.
Potato Head!

> She whimpers;
> obviously aroused. He rocked back and forth on her, his cock going in and
> out each time.

Crow: Damn chicken! Make up your mind, in or out! You're worse than
the cat!
Mike: "All I Ever Really Needed To Know About Love I Learned From
Watching Pornography!"

> Jane dug her nails into his back, harder at each thrust.

Tom: [Jane] Every time I scratch my nails down someone else's back I
hope you feel it. Well can you? Feel it, that is?

> He
> smiles at her, and does it faster. She bites her lower lip harder,

Crow: [Jane, sighing] Might as well. I suppose. Yeah.

> but the
> tears come falling. Brandon looks at her then kisses her.)

Tom: Because when tried it without looking, he jammed his lips in a
wall
socket.

> Brandon: Jane. You alright?
> Jane: mmm,hmmm.
> Brandon: Do you want me to stop?

Mike: [Jane] You started? I mean, [stilted] oh god it's so enormous
and huge, oh oh.

> Jane: No. This feels too good.
> (He works to her neck, and starts sucking on it.

Crow: [Jane] He didn't catch the sarcasm! Damn!

> He rocks back and forth
> faster and faster.

Tom: He's like that Buccaneer ship ride at Great Adventure.
Mike: They both make me sick, but for different reasons.

> She gives out a few moans of pleasure. She finally
> reaches her orgasm.

Crow: She finally understood what that "Herbal Essence" woman was so
happy about.

> She claws at his back, and gives out a low moan. They
> collaspe in each others arms.)
> Brandon: How was it?
> Jane: Great.

Tom: [Jane] I guess. Feeling empty and used is a good thing, right?

> (They hear a knock at the door.)

Mike: [from door] Watchtower! Can we watch?

> Brandon: Oh geez. Just a minute! (Show outside the door; we see Daria and
> Trent.)

Tom: [Trent] Man, I hope they're here. This is the one millionth door
we've randomly knocked on.

> Daria: Sounds like Jane was listening to porno tape.
> Trent: Nah. Not her style.

Crow: Um, guys? Can you think of any other possible source of these
noises?
Mike: Considering you're at a hotel room where your friends are
capping
off a date?

> (The door opens. We see Brandon in just his
> boxers. His hair is mussed, and he has scratch marks all over his chest
> and back.

Crow: What, he did a runway twirl? Help me out here.

> Daria and Trent's eyes go wide.)

Tom: His boxers have little Power Puff Girls on them!

> Daria: Jesus Christ. Were you just mauled by an animal?

Mike: [Daria] And if so, can we sell the videotape to Fox?

> Jane: Oh, Shut up!
> Trent: Janey?
> Jane: Yes. What do you want?
> Daria: Here, we were told to give you this note.

Crow: It's from Chris Walken. Think he's still flying around the
lobby somewhere.

> Jane: You interrupted our fun for this?
> Trent: The question is. Were you doing it, or killing him?
> Jane: Ha ha! Trent.

Tom: [Jane] You know the plan was to wait for the wedding night.

> Gimme that! (She snatches away the note; then reads
> it.)

Mike: [Jane] It's the room next door. They want us to do it closer to
the near wall.

> Dear Jane,
> Meet me at the Lawndale cafe tommorow

Crow: Tom Morrow, Rob's table-bussing cousin.

> at 8 am. I can't tell you who I am
> just now.

Tom: But it rhymes with "wore baypist".

> I well be wearing a white T-shirt, and khakis, and sitting at
> table three. Bring somebody with you.

Mike: Preferably someone bland, and ineffectual.

> Jane: Umm, sure.

[All giggle.]
Crow: [Jane, at note] I said "Sure", you stupid note! Now get lost!

> Brandon: Well, are you going to?
> Jane: I suppose.

Tom: The fanfic that half-heartedly, sort of, agrees to kind of allow
there to be some nature of plottish-type thing going on.

> Trent: Well, see ya, Janey; don't forget to trim those nails.
> Jane: URUGH!! (She throws a pillow at Trent. It hits him upside the head.)
>

Tom: It's a feather pillow. Daria asks Trent, "Why so down in the
mouth?"
[Crow and Mike groan.]
Crow: You need help, Servo.

> Brandon: Should we get back to bed?
> Jane: Yeah.

Mike: Jane better get her agent on the phone. Her last four lines
have
been "Yeah", "I suppose", "URUGH!" and "Um, sure."

> (They crawl back in bed together. Jane snuggles close to Brandon, buries
> her face in his chest,

Crow: She's the Bizarro world version of an alien facehugger baby.
Tom: [Jane] I was knee-deep in BS and I loved it!

> and falls asleep. Brandon looks at her smiles,
> strokes her hair, and falls asleep.)

Tom: Man, the whole Jane-Brandon relationship is just too intense for
me.
Mike: Yeah, the scenes with the fey sexual predator really
suffer by comparison.

> ================================================================
> Scene 7: A dream sequence. Show Jane with Brandon.
> ================================================================
> Brandon: Jane, you're a fucking bitch.

Crow: Brandon wakes up. "Wow, I had the best dream last night!"

> Jane: What?
> Brandon: You heard me. You're a no good bitch

Tom: You're a lover, you're a child, Tina Yothers!

> with a fucking cunt

Crow: Is that like a "drinking hand"?
Mike: Hey. Don't make me say, "STOP! OR I WELL TAKE DRASTIC
MEASURES!!"
at you.
Crow: Oh. Fine.

> who
> wants damn prick in you!

Mike: Yes, everyone wants Dampric in them!
Tom: Dampric! The tiny purple pill that helps you sleep
like a cute little basket of puppies!
Crow: In a case study, 40% of patients turned into an actual basket
of puppies. If symptoms persist, see your doctor or vet.

> Jane: Hell, no!
> Brandon: (He turns into Evan)
> Evan: Come on, little girl, let's have some fun.

Mike: Let's try to guess which of the "Fear Factor" contestants have
silicone implants!

> (He grabs Jane, who kicks
> him away. She starts running as fast as she can. Evan is close behind.

Tom: It's Evan and Jane, Jane and Evan neck and neck, to the wire,
and the winner is!... Beetlebaum?!

> He
> tackles her to the ground, but some how she manages to escape. She runs
> into a chain link fence.)

Crow: See, the problem with text-based chase scenes is, there's no
appropriate chase music in the background.
Tom: Hm, how about... o/~ Crap!crap!crap! CRAP!CRAP!CRAP! o/~
Crow: There ya go!

> Jane: (Shaking, and clawing the fence.) SOMEBODY HELP! PLEASE! OH, GOD,
> SOMEBODY HELP! (Evan corners her. She drops down and cowers with fear, and
> starts to cry.)
> Evan: Jane, Jane, Jane...

Crow: The second verse of the "Crap Crap Crap" song!
Mike: [Evan] My new meditation mantra is very similar to your name,
isn't it?

> Brandon: Jane, JANE!

Tom: Jane LANE, loser.

> Jane: Ack!

Mike: [giggling] Was she channeling Bill the Cat? What?

> (Starts to cry.)
> Brandon: Jane, what's wrong?
> Jane: I had a bad dream.

Crow: [Jane] I forgot how to climb a chain link fence.

> Brandon: About Evan?
> Jane: Yeah. Only in this one it started out as you, and you turned into
> Evan.
> Brandon: Jane, I wouldn't hurt you.

Mike: That is SUCH BS, man.
Crow: [admiringly] I know. Isn't he considerate?

> Jane: I know. Umm, what time is it?
> Brandon: 7:30. Guess we better get ready.
> Jane: Yeah.

Tom: "What time is it?" and "Yeah." Boy, they're taxing the limits of
Wendy Hoopes's emotional range here.

> (Brandon puts on a shirt, and a pair of jeans. We see Jane putting on her
> bra, and panties under the covers.

Crow: So technically, we DON'T see her putting on her bra and panties.

> She then gets a black shirt, and jeans
> and puts those on. She then brushes her hair a little.)
> Brandon: Ready?
> Jane: Yeah.

Mike: Jane Lane can say more with one syllable than most folks say in
a novel.

> ================================================================
> Scene 8: Show Jane, and Brandon in the cafe. We see Evan at table 3. He
> has on a cap, and pair of shades on.

Tom: And a fluorescent orange jacket saying "Fulsom County Prison".

> ================================================================
> Jane: Well that's table 3. Might as well get this over with.

Mike: [sighing] Could we maybe get one character who at least
pretended
to be interested in the plot?
Crow: Man, what if Poe wrote like this? "It was like, I dunno. The
beating of the old man's heart? Whatever."

> (They walk over to the table)
> Jane: O.K Mister. . .

Tom: Radiohead's humanistic follow-up album.

> Evan: Jane, it's me. (He removes his cap, and sunglasses)
> Jane: Oh, my God!

Crow: [Jane] Jeff Probst!
Mike: [Evan] No.
Crow: [Jane] Koffi Anan?
Mike: [Evan] No! Think!
Crow: [Jane] Uhh... Mickey Dolenz from The Monkees? Help me out here.

> You're supposed to be locked up. What the hell are you
> doing here? Oh, wait, never mind; you are probaly here to rape me?

Tom: [Evan] Talk about rape? Did you see what they charge for waffles
in this place?
Mike: How many rapes take place during the breakfast rush?

> Evan: No Jane I'm not. I got out on parole. Jane I... how do I say this?

Crow: [Evan] Is it "jy-ro" or "hee-ro"?

> Look I realized I hurt you. I violated you, and I know you probaly have
> visions of killing me,

Tom: [Jane] Not visions. But I did write this epic poem I call
"Evanslash".

> but Jane, if you could, find the heart to forgive
> me, please?

Mike: [sighing, hanging his head] This is so wrong-headed it's a foot.

> Jane: (She looks stunned.) Evan I don't know what to say.

Crow: [Jane] So I'll just stab you in the thigh with this salad fork.

> I mean you
> treated me like I was an object you could just screw when ever you want.

Tom: [Brandon] What, you're not?
Mike: [Jane] Brandon, shut up and do the maze on the kid's menu.
Tom: [Brandon] Oh. OK.

> I
> don't know if I can. It's a big step.

Crow: So's writing a scene with three characters. You need to take
these
things slowly.

> (Cut to outside. For some reason we see Joanna running at top speed.

Mike: She's escaping a screaming horde of F-Lip groupies!
Crow: o/~ It's been a hard, day's, Flip! o/~

> She
> enters the building gasping for breath, muttering something)

Tom: [chuckling] Gasping and muttering?

> Jane: What the hell are you doing here?
> Joanna: Darkness, darkness..

Crow: -my old friend, I've come to gasp at you again.

> Brandon: Jane, she's scaring me.

Mike: Yeah, well, so do party clowns, so I'm not gonna lose any sleep
over it.

> Jane: What is it?
> Joanna: Come outside.
> (Cut to outside)
> Evan: What?

Crow: [Joanna] Does this sidewalk look uneven to you? That can't be
safe.

> Joanna: I just had a vision. My home is being destroyed.
> Jane: You came screaming, because your house is being destroyed?

Tom: What a wuss! You're worse than that Arthur Dent guy we bulldozed
last week!

> Joanna: No. I'm not from Earth I'm from the DarkWorld.
> (Stunned looks on all.

Crow: [sting] Dun dun dun huuuuh?
Mike: I don't see why they're stunned. Joanna probably does this
every
week.
Tom: Today she's from Darkworld, yesterday she was a Sailor Scout,
last
Tuesday she was part of the Sonic continuum...

>Fade to black where we see the words "To be
> continued in 'Our Alter Egos'".)

Mike: Well it's good to have another Eggo around in case someone
swipes
your first one.

> O.K you thought that was weird bizzare?

Crow: Well I thought it was boring and slow. That's very nearly
"weird bizarre".

> Will boys and girls you haven't
> seen nothing yet.

Tom: "Will boys and girls"- prepubescent estate lawyers.

> "Our Alter Egos" is going to be as bizzare as I can get.
> (And beleive me, I can get really bizzare.)

Mike: Like that time she used Spam as a furniture polish!

> The one reason why I did this story is because it sorta teaches the value
> of forgiveness.

Tom: Well, "teaching" in the sense of raising the subject without
exploring the pros and cons of it.

>Which as we see Jane doesn't forgive him off-hand.

Crow: [author] So I DO understand rape victims! So there!

> Well,
> seeing as this is a lead on to "Our Alter Egos", I'll stop now.

Mike: Liar.

> NOTES:

Tom: Big icky poopy liar.

> (1) Knife and Brad were introduced in "Are You That Guy?"

[Mike picks up Tom, the trio rises to leave.]
Crow: They were introduced By Evan! Who later gave Knife away at
their wedding!
Mike: Their wedding song?
Tom: o/~ Crap!Crap!Crap! o/~
All: o/~ CRAP!CRAP!CRAP! o/~
Crow: Over with glad again am I.

[All leave].

(*)... <2>... !3!... /4\... [5]... =6=... (%)

[CUT TO SOL Bridge. The gang is dressed as a teen rock band a la The
Archies. Tom is on bass, Mike is on keyboards, Crow is lead guitar,
and
Gypsy is a backup singer with big hair and earrings.]

Mike: [to Cambot] Yeah, there's no way to reaffirm our freedom to do
stuff
quite like holding a little band practice!
Crow: O.K, let's see here. We're going to practice "My Alter Ego: The
Pina Colada Song".
Tom: Man, that's all we ever practice.
Mike: Don't you have any other songs?
Crow: Well, no.
Gypsy: Ha! I know that look in your eye.
Crow: What look?
Mike: You got something, don't you?
Crow: Yeah it's called "The Crappy Song". Wanna hear it? O.K.
[starts
to play] o/~ Crap!crap!crap!CRAP!CRAP!CRAP! o/~
The Group: [in reverent awe] Wooooooow!
Tom: That is SOOOOOO out there, man!
Mike: It's taken me to a brand new place in my heart. A place of
quiet,
of longing. A place which I call, myself.
Crow: Ha! I know that look in your eye.
Gypsy: You got something, don't you?
Mike: Yeah, it's called "The Stapler-y Song". Wanna hear it O.K.?
O.K.
[bangs on his keyboard] o/~ Stapler!Stapler!Stapler!
STAPLER!STAPLER!STAPLER! o/~
Gypsy: Oo! It's like I'm hearing music for the first time, and
comparing
it to the other times I heard music for the first time? But
found
I hadn't heard music for the first time at all.
Tom: [anxious] I got something!
Mike: Wait- Crow, you see there? Our back-up singer Gypsy?
Tom: [desperate for attention] No, me!
Mike: She has that look in her eye.
Tom: I have an eye too!
Crow: You've got something, don't you?
Tom: Look at Tom's eyes!
Gypsy: Yes? It's called "The George Lazenbee-y Song"?
Tom: Just above his nose, maybe!
Gypsy: I haven't quite fleshed it out yet...
Tom: Look at me, dammit!
Gypsy: -but I'm thinking of tunelessly screaming his
name six times in a row.
Mike: Wooow... that could be our big finale!
Crow: Nah, something this big, we save for the encore!
Tom: [interrupting] Mike! Mike! Tell me you know that look!
Mike: [puzzled] What look?
Tom: The look that says I have something.
Mike: [considering] Nnnno... no, think I'd remember if I saw you with
a
look like that.
Tom: Well I DO have something, and it's called "The Haddock-y Song"!
Wanna hear it?

[The group stares at him in stone cold silence. Tom withers under
their glares.]

Gypsy: Why would we wanna hear something called "The Haddock-y Song"?
Mike: Sounds pretty dumb, Servo.
Crow: What do you think, our fans are idiots?

[Just as Tom is about to burst into tears, we hear a doorbell ring.]

Mike: Oap! Someone's at the hexfield.

[The hexfield irises open to reveal a greasy looking Euro-guy in
leather
jacket and dark glasses. He speaks in a bad Schwarzenegger-ese.]

Falco: Ah-llo. I ahm former Austrian recording stahr, Falco. I hear
your music. I hahv daht look in my eye.
Gypsy: [light dreading] Mike?
Falco: I got something, don't you.
Crow: [heavier dreading] MIIIKE?!
Falco: Jah, is called "Zee Amadeus-y Song". Wanna hear?
Tom: [in terror] OH, MY, GOD!
All: NOOOOOOOOO!

[The crew panics, running around the bridge like the prodigal barnyard
fowl
with their upper extremity severed away. A techno synth beat starts
to
play, as Falco snaps his fingers, sways and postures in time to the
music.
He actually doesn't sing, we just hear the recorded chorus.]

Chorus: o/~ Amadeus!Amadeus! Amadeus!Amadeus! Amadeus!Amadeus! o/~

[The SOL has knocked over all their instruments. Crow and Gypsy have
run into each other and conked themselves cold.]

Tom: [panic] Where's the airlock! WHERE THE HELL'S THE AIRLOCK?!
Crow: [popping back up] Only death by explosive decompression can
cleanse
this musical stain from my soul!
Mike: [ears covered, desperate] Pearl, send the siren back! For the
love
of god!

[CUT to Castle Forrester. Pearl, in her green Nehru jacket, is
clutching
the shoulders of Joanna, who is in a similar green Nehru jacket.]

Pearl: Ooh, well done, my apprentice!
Joanna: I just figured if they were gonna bash my music, only fair to
give them a taste of the solid gold 80's.
Pearl: Payback, poetic AND painful! I see a very bright future ahead
of
you!

[But Bobo saunters in behind them, happily bellowing:]

Bobo: o/~ Amadeus!Amadeus! o/~

[Both Joanna and Pearl wince and cringe, as Bobo puts his grubby paws
around both of them.]

Bobo: Heh heh! Boy, that's some catchy song, ay Lawgiver? Why, I
could
sing that song all day long! And through to the next morning
too!
Hm- wonder where I put my Little River Band CD's? [bellows
again]
o/~ Amadeus!Amadeus! o/~

[He continues to bellow the song out as he leaves the scene. Pearl
glares
at Joanna, who shrinks in terror.]

Pearl: [threatening] Point it.

[Joanna, scared, points her finger.]

Pearl: Wet it.

[Joanna sucks her finger quickly. Pearl produces a lamp, and removes
the
shade to offer Jo the empty light socket.]

Pearl: Stick it.
Joanna: [averting her eyes, dreading] Oooooooooooh...

[Without looking, Joanna twirls her finger around, then sticks it in
the light socket. Just before she does, CUT to black, and we hear
BRZZZZZT!... THUD!]

Pearl: [over black] Brain Guy! See what her tongue stud fetches on
e-Bay.

CREDITS
[over credits we hear the techno beat and Bobo tunelessly singing]
MYSTERY SCEINCE THEATER 3000
EPISODE NNN202

"THE JANE'S CRISIS TETRALOGY"

Bobo: [o.s.] o/~ Amadeus!Amadeus! o/~

a wholesome blend of:
"JANE'S CRISIS"
"ARE YOU THAT GUY?"
"WHAT SHE DESERVED? {PART ONE)"
"FORGIVE ME PLEASE"
(part of this nutritious breakfast)

Bobo: [o.s.] o/~ Reggie Theus!Reggie Theus! O/~

featuring
joanna
BEEZ MCKEEVER

dudes
MICHAEL J. NELSON
BRAD KEELY
WESLEY SNIPES
special guest TACO as falco

Bobo: [o.s.] o/~ On the dais!On the dais! O/~

writers
BRENDAN HERLIHY
(head writer)
STEVE WEINBERG
(contributing irritant)

Bobo: [o.s.] o/~ Fried potatoes!Fried potatoes! O/~

dibs list/ws9 maintained by
MIKE NEYLON

signs of the coming apocalypse
DORIS KEARNS GOODWIN THE PLAGIARIST
YOUR ATLANTIC DIVISION CHAMPION NEW JERSEY NETS
THAT SCOOBY DOO MOVIE
BRENDAN T. HERLIHY: FATHER

Bobo: o/~ In Barbados!In Barbados! o/~

names we will not give our new child
HIRAM HERLIHY
HILLARY HERLIHY
SHIRLEY HERLIHY

Bobo: o/~ I'm contagious!I'm contagious! O/~

This publication is for entertainment use only, and is not
meant as a personal attack on The Unknown, Glenn Eichler,
Creed, skateboard slacker queens, or Doris Kearns Goodwin; nor
is it meant to infringe on any copyrights held by Best Brains,
Sci Fi Channel, the Unknown, MTV, MTV2, VH26 or any other
network that owns the rights to "Daria" and doesn't air it. I
totally meant to attack that "Scooby Doo" movie, though. Eat it,
Scooby Doo movie.

Bobo: o/~ Alligators!Alligators! O/~

e-mail
PINKBO...@HOTMAIL.COM

visit the lifeless, never updated pink boy buffet
PINK_BOY.TRIPOD.COM

Bobo: [o.s.] o/~ On Uranus!On Uranus! o/~

special thanks to
BILL LIVINGSTON - the funniest man in the world
JOE NEBUS - the funniest man in the world
JEN WHITE - the funniest man in the world
and
MATT "MATTHEW" BLACKWELL - good speller

Bobo: [o.s.] o/~ Oh! Oh! Oh! Fried potatoes! o/~

executive producer
BRENDAN HERLIHY

Bobo: [o.s., rapped] Made some rockin' fried potatoes!

< < < B-R-R-R-ANG! > > >

------------------------------------------------------------
> Joanna: Wanna hear it? O.K. (picks up guitar.
> Starts to play.) Crap!crap!crap!CRAP!CRAP!CRAP!
------------------------------------------------------------
Copyright 2002 Brendan Herlihy