[MSTing] "The Jane's Crisis Tetralogy", Pt 1/2
pinkboy
The Jane's Crisis Tetralogy
["Jane's Crisis", "Are You That Guy?", "What She Deserved? (Part 1)",
and "Forgive Me Please"]
=== MSTing by Brendan Herlihy ===
Original Works by The Unknown
WARNING!
The following stories contain adult language, skateboarding, and
explicit
sexual content. It is therefore not recommended for children under
the
age of 18, Galapagos tortoises under the age of 20, or seeing eye dogs
under the age of one. If your child under the age of 18 dresses as a
seeing eye dog over the age of one in order read this story, what can
I say. I can't recommend that either. Though I'd get out a bag of
Beggin' Strips and see how far they were willing to push it.
DISCLAIMER
Mystery Science Theater 3000, its characters and situations
are copyright Best Brains, Inc. "Jane's Crisis", "Are You That
Guy", "What She Deserved (Part One)", and "Forgive Me Please"
copyright The Unknown. "Daria", its characters and situations
copyright MTV. Fire bad, true pretty. Copyright 2002 Brendan
Herlihy.
--------------------------------------------------------------
[OPEN ON SOL Bridge. A small stand microphone, set up for the bots,
is
on the desk. Tom and Crow are off the side of the desk. Gypsy is in
front of the desk, facing the mike, as the audience. Mike enters,
acting "hep", dressed in a black jumpsuit, wearing sunglasses and a
new age pendant. Gypsy cheers.]
Gypsy: Yaaay!
Mike: Thank you, brothers and sisters, and you are welcomed to the
Satellite of Love's Eternity of Oneness Poetry Slam! I invite you
to lay back and absorb the straight talk and shattering imagery
of our first combatant, Tom "Rainstorm In Summer" Magnolia!
[Tom steps up to the microphone, and clears his throat.]
Tom: This is my microphone, through which I share my inner
torment. You will this applaud.
Gypsy: Yaaaay!
Tom: [nasty] I have to read the poem first! [resumes] I call
this, "Wednesday, In Orbit Over Solitude"
[Tom clears his throat, then performs.]
Tom: a colloquy
the warm bath of fear
coats me as thick as any cheap
dime store
red model car paint #5
there's a slot for pennies in my neck
I hide it behind some masking tape
oh, maker with the sleepy eyes
hear the roar of panic
build like vomit in my craw!
whose purpose has this bot imbued?
in whose image was I glued?
from whence came my thoughts construed?
you wore clothes, yet made me *nude?!*
why wont my arms work?!
WHY WONT MY ARMS WORK, DAMMIT?!
I scream until my head
falls off again.
Thank you.
Gypsy: Yaaaay!
[Mike applauds, and leads Tom away from the mike (not the Mike).]
Mike: That was beautiful, man.
Tom: Yes. I thought so.
Mike: Now, the challenger, the gold and bold but never cold, Crow T.
Amadeus Starlight Express!
[Crow steps to the Mi- no, the mike.]
Crow: Uh, thanks. OK. Um, I call this, "Tom Is A Great Big Stupid
Baby, And He Smells Like Poo".
Tom: What!?
Gypsy: Shhhh!
[Crow clears his throat, and begins performing.]
Crow: [mocking] Ooooooo!
A warm bath of fear
coats me like cheap paint!
I have a slot in my neck!
I cry a lot!
My diaper needs changing!
[Tom begins to sputter in rage as Crow continues.]
Crow: Oooo, Joel left and I'm scared!
What do I do? Whose do I kiss?
Who's gonna dress me in frilly pink clothes
and tell me how cute I am?
Tom: [furious] All right, stop it! Stop it!
Crow: [taunting] o/~ Your arms are bro-ken! Your arms
are bro-ken!/~
[Tom jumps on stage and attacks Crow.]
Tom: You're literary history, hack! Quoth the raven, your ass is
grass!
Crow: Oh yeah? Well, "One fish, two fish, red fish, blue fish," pal!
[Mike steps in and separates the two.]
Mike: Culture! It's what's for dinner! We'll be, like, so back, man!
Tom: [at Crow] I'm not done with you! I've eaten the
best minds of my generation for breakfast!
Crow: Aw, no one, not even the rain, has such a big butt!
Tom: Come get some!
[CUT TO spinning planet logo, commercials.]
[OPEN ON SOL Bridge. Tom and Crow stand wobbly, both tattered and
dirtied from a prolonged fight. Mike is between them, holding an
envelope.]
Mike: OK, gentlemen, after two pinfalls and a haiku, the scores are
tied.
We go to the overtime. Are you ready?
Tom: My creator endowed me with readiness.
[Crow moves his beak to speak with difficulty. Only a breathy gasp
comes out.]
Mike: [opening envelope] OK, your tiebreak to determine who is most
imbued with the muse of serious learned poetry is... [reads
contents]
compose a Hallmark Valentine's Day card!
Tom: WHAT?!
Mike: Mr. Servo... go!
Tom: Whoa, whoa, whoa! Whoa! I ain't composin' no hackneyed greeting
card! The very notion runs counter to everything serious poetry
stands for!
Mike: [after a pause] So that's your entry?
Tom: Um... wait. [clears throat]
i aint composin
no hackneyed greeting card
the very notion
runs counter
to!
everything serious poetry
stands for.
Mike: [pause] And?
Tom: [reluctantly] Annnnnd... be my wuvvy-duvvy pookie cat?
Mike: Good! OK, Mr. Crow!
[Crow moves his beak to speak with difficulty. Only a breathy gasp
comes out.]
Mike: What the-?
[Mike open's Crow's beak. He reaches in and pulls out a piece of
paper.
Crow coughs his voice clear.]
Mike: Mr. Servo, you crammed your poetic license down his throat!
You're disqualified!
Tom: Damn!
Crow: All right, I win!
Mike: No, you're disqualified too, for failure to submit a sample for
drug testing.
Crow: [evenly] Mike? I'm a robot. What was I supposed to fill the
cup with?
[Light flashes.]
Mike: Oh! Oh look! Paula Nancy Millstone Jennings is calling.
Crow: [getting worked up] Because if you know what it is I'm supposed
to fill the cup with, I REALLY WANT TO KNOW!!
[CUT to Castle Forrester. Pearl is presented very simply, sitting
down
in front of a PC.]
Pearl: I don't like you enough to acknowledge you. So, things. What
do you think I found in my e-mail today?
[CUT to SOL.]
Mike: Gosh. Hm, what did you find in your e-mail...
[The trio huddles up, whisper in consultation, then break.]
Mike: OK, we've talked it over, and we're gonna go with... e-mail?
[CUT to Castle.]
Pearl: Nnnno! I got this e-mail! And listen to this! "Dear Brendan.
I really, really love your MSTings, but would really like to see
you do
a normal one! Why do you always write about someone other than
Mike
riffing the movie? And why do you always blow up the satellite?!
I
hate that! Please please do one normal? Sincerely,..." and then
the rest
is, frankly, kind of stupid. Well what do you think about that?
[Cut to SOL.]
Tom: Hm. Well, since the mail was addressed to "Brendan"...
Crow: And her name's gotta be... what? Paula, Gertrude, Abiligail?
Mike: Different. Pearl, don't worry. You just- [stops, looks at
Crow]
Abiligail?
Crow: Sure. See, there's this award called the Balsa Waffle? And the
list of nominees-
Mike: Never mind. Pearl, you just got a misaddressed e-mail. Don't
worry, you don't have to do anything about it.
[Cut to Castle]
Pearl: That's all well and good, Mike, except *what are we gonna do
about it?*
[Cut to SOL]
Tom: See, in order to do something about the way you write about
making
fun of reading crummy stories... you'd have to, what? Read
crummy
stories?
Mike: Make fun of them.
Tom: And then write about it.
Crow: Speaking from my limited experience in reading crummy stories,
I advise you to limit your experience in reading crummy
stories.
Mike: And heck, writing about reading the crummy story is like reading
the
crummy story all over again!
Tom: Not to mention proofreading your writing about reading the crummy
story.
Crow: Ick! Proofreading your writing about reading the crummy story
is
means you have to think about how others will be reading your
writing
about reading the crummy story, which is like reading the crummy
story all over again, all over again!
Mike: And as far as blowing up the satellite goes... we hardly ever do
that.
Tom: Granted, other people have blown it up from time to time.
Crow: That green frog puppet for example.
Tom: [to camera] And you!
Mike: Yeah, Pearl, you did blow up the satellite when Evil Mike
trapped
you up here.
[Gypsy pops onto screen.]
Gypsy: No. That was a simulation I used to get her and Magic Voice to
stop fighting.
[Gypsy pops back off.]
Tom: Oh. Soooo... it happens even less, then!
Mike: So in summary, Pearl, I guess the consensus here about what to
do
about this e-mail which wasn't addressed to you, and doesn't
apply to
your situation, is-
Crow: Oh! Mike? May I?
Mike: Certainly.
Crow: Pearl, what I would do if I were you is... overreact!
[Mike and Tom double take.]
[Castle.]
Pearl: Hm. Yes, Art, that was my thinking too. Mike, since this
e-mail
wants us to be normal, I have to stop you from being...
[grimacing] you.
So I hereby forbid you and your little erector sets from making
anything happen. That means, when you get out of that theater, I
want no shenanigans, no hi-jinks, and NO monkeyshines!
[As Pearl continues, Bobo pedals through the shot in back, pedaling a
Razor scooter while wearing a silver-sequined jacket and waving a
flashlight.]
Pearl: Especially monkeyshines! I cannot overstate the lack of
monkeyshines I expect from you!
Bobo: Wheeeee! Heh-heh! I'm shiny!
[Pearl shoots Bobo a vicious look as he wheels out of shot. Observer
moseys in behind her, holding a file labeled "Jane's Crisis"]
Pearl: In the meantime, give you this day your daily crap. Today
you'll be dining on four full courses of torture, courtesy of our
guest author, [Pearl gestures quotes] "The Unknown". Oooooo!
How
mysterious!
Observer: Set in the "Daria" universe, it takes that series and
masterfully fails to reproduce its soul, wit, or Daria.
Pearl: Our first stop! "Jane's Crisis"! And remember!
[Pearl and Observer push their faces in the camera, scowling.]
Pearl: Don't, do, anything!
Observer: [smiles evilly] Or we'll get you, my pretty- AND YOUR LITTLE
TOYS, TOO! MWAH-HAH-HAH!
[Thunder crashes, lightning flashes. Linger for a bit, as Pearl's
gloating visage is gradually replaced by moral discomfort.]
Pearl: [awkward] Did... you just say Mike was pretty?
[Observer purses his face in indignant denial.]
[CUT TO: The SOL. Mike and Tom look resentfully at Crow.]
Mike: [petulant] Good going, Crow! I hope you're satisfied!
Crow: [smug] Well, maybe next time when I ask you what I should fill
the
cup with, you'll tell me.
Tom and Mike: OIL!
Crow: [after a pause] Oh right!
[Buzzers sound, lights flash.]
ALL: OOOOH, WE'VE GOT STORY SIIIIGN!!
(%)...=6=... [5]... /4\... !3!... <2>... (*)...
[Our heroes file into the theater.]
Tom: Man, now we can't do anything. That sucks.
Mike: Oh, don't sweat it, Tom. I'm sure it'll be fine.
> Jane's Crisis
Crow: The Tarzan version of "Meet the Parents".
> By The Unknown (scre...@gurlmail.com)
Mike: Pseudonyms! The literary side of cowardice!
> ================================================================
> Summary: When Jane is attacked, the cast must deal with feelings of sadness
> and hatred.
Tom: Since these emotions are totally alien to teenage girls.
> A new character is introduced that helps Jane through the ordeal.
Mike: I don't know if you can really call Sara Lee a "new character".
> Note: This fanfic also appears on Poor Pathetic Daria Page, but this one is
> slightly unedited.
[All chuckle.]
Mike: "Slightly unedited". This, friends, is going to blow.
Tom: Wait, let me "faintly regurgitate" my bagel here. BLAUGH!
> ================================================================
> Scene 1: Show Daria, and Jane walking down the hall.
Crow: No. I don't wanna.
> ================================================================
> Jane: So, Daria, are you going to the Zen tonight?
Mike: [Daria] Nah, I can't get past the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance.
> Daria: Wish I could, but my family is having "Family night".
> Jane: Well, guess who asked me out? And who I rejected?
Tom: Hm, I'd say nobody, aaaand... the telemarketer who offered you
home delivery of the Newark Star Ledger.
> Daria: Would that be Upchuck?
Crow: Not yet, but I'm sure it's coming.
> Jane: Nah! It was Evan.
> Daria: The Jerk?
Mike: Steve Martin?
> Jane: Oh yeah. When I told him "No", he muttered something like "Lesbo
> freak".
Crow: Obviously a reference to my love of Lesbo, the amazing Las Vegas
hypnotist with short hair and good muscle tone!
> Daria: And to think you two used to..(Jane clamps Daria's mouth shut.)
> Jane: Shut up!
Tom: Wow, being someone's "Secret Santa" can be a real sore spot.
> (The two quiet down for a moment and hear something.)
Mike: The new Alanis single! Shush shush shush I wanna hear!
> Girl: (Kicking her locker.) Oh, this piece of shit. That's it.
Crow: No more excrement-based storage systems!
> Hey would you
> mind moving... umm? (1)
Tom: [Jane] Hey, it's not our umm? (1). Move it yourself.
> Daria: Daria.
> Jane: Jane.
Mike: Boutros Boutros.
Tom: Mahi Mahi.
Crow: Oingo Boingo.
> Girl: My names Joanna; now, stand back.
> Jane: Umm, sure, O.K.
> (They get out of the way
Tom: By slowly backing away, they were able to make it to the bus
stop,
and start their lives over!
> as Joanna backs up on a skateboard, skates toward her
> locker, jumps up in midair, and kicks it with her board hard.
Crow: Wow, that's X-Treme!......ly lame substitute for character
development.
> The locker door
> falls down.)
Mike: Revealing a smaller locker inside!
Tom: D'OH!
> Joanna: Damn, do you have to do this to your locker all the time?
> Daria: Umm, no, but look here comes..
> Jane: Ms Li!
Crow: Miss her? How could you miss that ugly fat-assed ornery b- oh
HI,
Ms. Li! Heh-heh, boy those are some quiet shoes you got there.
> Ms Li: (obviously pissed.) What is the meaning of this? Who did this?
> Joanna: Me.
Tom: Bill Keane's puckishly cute "Not Me" ghost storms out to call his
union.
> Ms Li: Did you know that vandalizing school property is a serious offense?
Crow: [Joanna] Well so's selling Ecstasy, but I don't see you
kvetching
when I- wait, I didn't say that.
> Joanna: Umm, no; the thought never crossed my mind.
> Ms Li: I'm calling your parents now.
> Joanna: Good Luck.
Mike: [Li] Hey, thanks! Words of encouragement are so rare in this
job.
> (Ms Li dials her number but gets the busy signal.)
> Ms Li: Damn! Well I guess you'll have to pay for the damage.
Tom: Yeah, calling back in five minutes is for wimps! Teach her
the hidden value of call waiting!
> Jane: Plus shipping and handling!
Mike: Aw, a cute little baby hand. C'mere, cutie!
> Joanna: How much?
> Ms Li: Exactly $250.
> Joanna: Sure here you go.
> (She hands Ms Li $250 )
Crow: [Li] Oh, did I say $250? I meant $400. More like five with the
tax.
> Ms Li: Now, go away.
[All snicker.]
Tom: Begone! The wizard will not see you today!
> Daria: Where did you get the money?
> Joanna: Oh I'm the lead singer for some band. We were pretty popular in New
> Mexico.
Crow: [in awe] Woooow, New Mexico?!
Tom: [same] That's like, Mexico! But new!
> Made $200 a gig.(2)
> Jane: Damn. My brother only makes $100 a gig.
Mike: Still, that's probably better than Whitesnake could do right
now.
> Joanna: Whose your brother?
> Daria: His name's Trent.
> Joanna: Cool.
Crow: [Jo] Now that I know his name, meeting him seems almost
superfluous.
> Jane: So, who wants pizza?
Tom: Nah, let's have that tasteless Dominoes' crap instead.
> Both: Sure.
> (The three walk out of the building. Cut to Evan who has been watching them
> the whole time.)
> Evan: Time to put my plan into action.
Mike: [sinister] My plan of... insinuating future plot lines!
> ================================================================
> Scene 2: Show Daria, Jane, and Joanna eating pizza.
Tom: As the other patrons at the opera coldly, coldly stare at them.
> Creed's "Only in America"
> plays in the background.
Crow: The kids try to switch it off, but some record company hack
guards
the jukebox, and snarls at them.
> ================================================================
> Jane: So, Joanna, do you have a boyfriend?
> Joanna: Of course.
Mike: [Jo] Only a complete loser wouldn't have a boyfriend!
> His names Steven. He's the bassist.
Crow: The basest, most vile human being I've met!
> Daria: So what's the name of your band?
> Joanna: FLIP.
> Jane: Sounds like a pop group.
Tom: We prefer to call it "house music".
> Joanna: Actually it stands for F.reaking L.ittle. I.solated P.iss.
[All groan.]
Mike: The "Nuprin" commercial goes junior high school.
Crow: Well, if Butthole Surfers can break through...
> Daria: My, what appropriate language.
Tom: Yes, English IS the appropriate language! We should work to ban
the others!
> Jane: Yeah, my brother has a band called Mystik Spiral.
> Joanna: Sounds like a Doors cover band.
Crow: Nah, not nearly that good.
> Daria: Exactly what I said.
> Jane: I need to get some fresh air you guys.
> Daria: Don't get high on it.
Mike: [Daria] And don't say "goodbye" or anything. Jeez Lane. Did
someone skip the "Miss Manners" column today?
> ===========================================================================
> Scene 3: Show Jane outside leaning against a brick wall.
Tom: So. Dark sarcasm in the classroom?
Crow: Hey. Servo. Leave them kids alone.
> She has her arms
> crossed.
Mike: [Jane] I am going to exude my cool post-feminist detachment
until
this alley begs for mercy!
> She then pulls out a bottle of birth control pills, and pops one in
> her mouth.(3)
Crow: Mm, the ultimate high- not havin' babies!
Tom: Later, Jane would sneak into an Allegra den, and free-base a
Zantac.
> ================================================================
> Jane: How long do I have to keep this up?
Mike: Maybeeee... until you want to get pregnant?
> (She feels a couple of hands on her hips, and she yells.)
> Evan: Keep what up?
Crow: Appearances.
Mike: Your chin.
Tom: With the Joneses.
> Jane: Oh, geez, Evan, you're not still mad at me are you?
> Evan: Eh.
> (He throws Jane in the ally. She lands on her side hard.)
Mike: [Jane, wincing] I'll put that down as a "maybe". Arrrrgh!
> Jane: OW!
> (She gets up and tries to runaway, but Evan pushes her down.)
Tom: If Chumbawumba saw the glass as half empty!
Mike: She gets back up, but she goes down again.
Crow: She ain't never gonna stay back up.
> Evan: (Pulls out knife.) I don't think we'll be going anywhere.
Mike: [Evan] Thought we could stay in tonight, get some takeout.
> Jane: What the hell are you going to do to me, you sick bastard?
Crow: [Evan, evilly] I'm going to braid these gardenias right into
your
hair!
> Evan: (Whispering in her ear.) I'm going to do you good you bitch.
[All groan. Crow shakes his head in despair.]
Tom: [moaning] Please don't use the word "good" here. It'll devalue
it
in other applications.
> Oh, yeah
> I'm going to fuck you up.
Mike: Well wouldn't it be easier to praise her in general while
belittling her every action?
> Jane: (She lays paralyzed in fear.) Oh God, please, no.
> Evan: Oh, yes.
Tom: [weakly] Oh... klahoma, where the wind comes sweeping down the
plain. Heh. [groans] Our souls are gonna die in this theater,
aren't they?
Mike: Let's just ride it out. We can do this.
> (He rips off her black under shirt.
Crow: Without removing her blouse first? Good trick.
> He then drags down her shorts and
> underwear. He lays on top of her, kicking off his jeans ,and boxers.
[All wince and groan.]
Tom: [warily] Hey Mike. You remember how in ST:TNG, the Enterprise
could jettison its saucer portion when confronted with
hopeless, insurmountable danger?
Mike: Yeah, so?
[With a grunt, Servo launches his head off. It pops the length of the
theater and off screen left.]
Crow: Wooow! Cool!
Mike: [rising to collect it] Servo! Get back here!
[Mike exits left.]
> He points
> the knife towards her neck.) Scream and you die, bitch.
> Jane: Please, why are you doing this?
Crow: My guess? An immature sense of how to create conflict.
[Servo's headless body aimlessly bumps into Crow.]
Crow: Ow! Hey, watch it.
> Evan: Oh, just shut up! ( He punches her in the face hard. She lets out a
> small yell.
Crow: [cringing] Uck. God.
> He then jams the knife harder against her throat.) What did I
> just say?
Crow: [uneasily] What, you weren't listening either? Heh. [moans]
Ooooh,
I can't do this!
[We here a crash from off screen.]
Crow: [looks left] Mike?!
Mike: [o.s.] Darn! He wedged himself behind the speaker. I need the
broom.
Crow: Well hurry up! Bein' alone with this perv fanfic and Tom's
headless body is givin' me the creeps! It's like a pre-Giuliani
42nd Street!
[Tom's body bangs into him again.]
Crow: Quit it! MIIIIKE!
> Jane: Fine, whatever.
> (She closes her eyes and winces in pain as he enters himself into her
> abruptly, and painfully.
[Crow whimpers and shudders.]
Crow: [at Tom's body] Oooh, when that head gets reattached to your
body
I am gonna slap it right back off, mister!
[Tom's body shrinks in shame.]
> Once inside he moves his mouth to the side of her
> neck, and starts sucking on it.
Crow: [moaning and wallowing] So he sucked. And sucked. And
sucked...
[Mike returns carrying Servo's head. The head jerks his arms trying
to escape.]
Tom: Unhand me, pink monkey! I! Am responsible! For the lives!
Of four hundred thirty crewmen!
Mike: You are not! Calm down.
[Tom's body uses the distraction to duck beneath the seats.]
> Jane whimpers a little as he starts rocking
> back and forth on her. She kept praying that something would happen to stop
> him, but nothing.
Crow: [moaning] Ooooh... this story is just whacking me on the head
for
its own amusement.
[Mike sits down, and puts the head on its seat. He looks around.]
Mike: D'oh, now where'd his body go? [leans over the seat to look
behind] Ah, there you- AUGH!
[Mike gets pulled over and dragged beneath the seat. A struggle
commences.]
Tom's Head: [triumphant] Ha ha! YES! Get him, my body!
> Finally after what seemed to be hours, Evan had reached his
> orgasm.
Crow: [softly weeping in agony] Whack. Whack. I'm a piñata. Whack.
[As Tom's head gloats at the struggle beneath the seats, Mike's hand
pops up and grabs it.]
Tom's Head: Ulp! H-h-hi ya Mike!
[Mike pulls the head down beneath the seat. The struggle continues.]
> He got up , and pulled his pants up. He then kicked her in the side.)
> Jane: OW!
Crow: [still weeping] Owwwwwww. Piñata say, "Owwwwwww."
Tom: [o.s.] No! You can't make me, you can't make me!
Mike: [o.s., struggling] Be still! It! Won't! Hurt! If! You! Keep!
Still!
[We hear sound FX of a head being snugly squeezed back into place.]
> (Evan leaves Jane in a heap.)
{Mike pops up with a fully reassembled Servo and manhandles him back
into his
seat.]
Mike: There! Now don't make me do that again, you hear!
Tom: [weeping] OK.
Mike: [pleasant] Crow! Sorry to leave you, buddy. Did we miss
anything?
Crow: [in tears, lashing out] SHUT UP!!
Mike: [cringing] Sorry. Sorry.
Crow: [resentful] Better be.
> ================================================================
> Scene 4: Show Daria, and Joanna exiting the building.
> ================================================================
Tom: [Daria] So then I told Eichler, double my base or I walk! Like
what, you're gonna pull the show?
> Daria: I can't believe you poured a whole bottle of Tabasco sauce on
> your pizza, and ate it.
Mike: The Tacobellation of America.
> Joanna: That Tabasco sauce was bland. Do they dilute it?
> Daria: Probably. Hmm, I wonder where Jane ran off to?
Crow: Maybe you should've acted interested when she abruptly left
without
explanation.
> Joanna: Who knows maybe she...OH, MY GOD!
> Daria: What is it?
Mike: [Joanna] I just thought of ANOTHER way to show how super cool
I am! I'll do a handstand while drawing anime characters on my
backpack!
> Joanna: (Pointing to Jane.) That's either Jane or a clothes pile doing a
> poor impression of her, and I don't want to risk it.
Tom: Should the rape victim really be the butt of Coolie McCool's
jokes
here?
> Daria: (Walks up closer.) Oh, my God, it is Jane. Jane can you hear me?
> Jane: (Quietly) Go to Hell, Evan.
> Joanna: Umm, no; it's Daria, and Joanna.
Crow: [Joanna] The cool girl you just met who's way more important
than
you?
> Daria: We need to call 911. Do you have a cell phone?
> Joanna: Not on me. Hey there's four girls walking towards us.
Mike: [Joanna] Maybe THEY'LL pay attention to me.
> Daria: (Races to where Joanna is.) Oh, goody, the Fashion Club.
Tom: [Daria] Oh, goody. A chance to get help for my bleeding friend.
> Sandi: (To the others) And so like anyway ,this boy who was like so
> hot asked me out.
Tom: [Sandi] His core temperature was, like, pushing 400 degrees.
Crow: [Stacy] Oh wow! Kelvin?
Tom: [Sandi] No, I believe his name was Derrick.
> Joanna: Hey do you... WHAT THE HELL?
Mike: [Sandi] Only when taken by surprise.
> (She has noticed something quite strange, she looks exactly like Sandi
> Griffin, except with blonde hair, and the clothes.)
Crow: And the anti-social face tattoos.
> Sandi: Like, oh shit. You look like me.
Tom: Sounds like the first verse of a Black Monks song.
> Joanna: That's nice. NOW GIVE ME A CELL PHONE!
Mike: AND NONE OF THAT CRAP ABOUT ROAMING FEES!
> Stacy: Why?
> Daria: Jane's been hurt.
> All: EEEWW!
Crow: All? Even Daria and Joanna?
Mike: Well, other folk's pain is pretty icky.
> Sandi: Umm, like, why?
Tom: Sandi's introspective nature led her to ask such probing,
philosophical questions.
> Joanna: Come on, do the right thing.
Crow: Marry her and adopt the baby.
> Sandi: Umm, like no. If she like got herself into this mess then she can
> like get herself out.
Mike: I foresee a great future for Sandi in the health insurance
industry.
> Come on, let's go.
> Stacy: No!
> Sandi: Like, what did you say?
Crow: It was like "yes", but shorter and different.
> Stacy: I said no! She's been hurt, and needs help.
Tom: By the time they finish arguing, they could've gone back in the
pizza parlor and used the pay phone.
> Daria: Yeah, and we can just hope that if you get hurt your friends won't
> ditch you.
Mike: Gezundheit.
> Tiffany: Yeah ,but we we're never your friends.
Tom: I'm I didn't consider that! You you've got a point.
> Stacy: DAMMIT, SANDI, GIVE ME THE FUCKING PHONE!!!
Mike: [Stacy] Oh wait, it's in my purse. Sorry.
> Sandi: Like, whoa. Here. Good bye!
> (She tosses the phone to Stacy, who calls 911.)
Tom: Meanwhile, twenty feet away...
Crow: [Jane] Why didn't anyone stay to comfort me? Is my breath that
bad?
> Stacy: Hello? (pant pant.) Our friend was injured (she starts
> hyperventilating.)
> Dispatcher: O.K. how was she injured?
Tom: Were lobsters involved?
> Stacy: Wheeze, wheeze.
[All snicker.]
Mike: Calling for George Jefferson's wife won't solve anything!
> (Joanna smacks her upside the head, and grabs the cell phone.)
Crow: [Joanna] I'm running this story now! Daria! Get me a Krispy
Kreme!
> Joanna: Hello? Sorry about that. It looks like she was attacked.
> Dispatcher: O.K. we'll send an ambulance.
Mike: It's against hospital policy to ask your address, so if you
could
just wave when he passes.
> Is there any bleeding?
> Daria: Joanna there's some bleeding through her vagina.
> Joanna: Bleeding through her vagina.
Tom: So, bleeding though her vagina, then.
Crow: Pretty much.
Mike: How did Daria hear him? And when did she look at her-?
Crow: [interrupting] Don't go there, man. It ain't healthy.
> Dispatcher: O.K. don't touch it.
Tom: Really, if you have to be told...
> If she was raped we don't want your DNA with
> it.
> Joanna: Umm, yeah, O.K.
> (The ambulance arrives.)
Mike: OK, if the ambulance got there THAT fast, that can only mean Jo
and the girls are standing in front of a great big sign saying
"Hospital".
> Joanna: The ambulance is here; bye.
[All cackle. Mike slaps his forehead in disbelief.]
Crow: [Jo] Your trauma bores me. Later!
Mike: Couldn't they get a more sympathetic heroine? Was the winner of
the Paula Jones/Tanya Harding fight not available?
> Paramedic 1: O.K. where is she?
> Daria: Over there (She points to Jane.)
Tom: [Daria] Beneath the crying heap of humanity, Eagle Eye.
> Jane: Please, help.
> Stacy: Help's here, Jane.
> Paramedic 2: Is anything broken...umm?
Mike: Are you... whatzit called, dying or something?
> Jane: Jane. And no.
> Paramedic 3: O.K. we're going to left you up on this stretcher. O.K.?
Crow: Okay okay? O.K.!
> Jane: Yeah, fine, O.K.
Mike: Old Kinderhook achieves market saturation.
> (They put her on the stretcher, and put her in the ambulance with Daria,
> Stacy, and Joanna riding in back.)
Tom: Hm, stretch ambulances.
Mike: They must be taking her to the country club hospital.
Crow: Didn't Joanna leave?
> Daria: So, what happened?
> Jane: I don't want to talk about it.
> Stacy: Jane, we're your friends.
Tom: No, Daria is her friend. You're the third and fifth wheels,
respectively.
> Joanna: Yeah, come on.
> Jane: (quietly) I was raped.
> Joanna: Umm, what was that it sounded like you said "I was rared"?
Crow: Augh!
All: BOOO!
Tom: Look, if you don't have a clue, don't do the crossword, OK?!
> Jane: (Giving in.) I was raped.
> Daria: Oh, my God! Who did this to you?
Mike: And the word "Kennedy" better not leave your lips.
> Jane: I don't want to talk about it now.
> Stacy: Jane, sooner or later, you will have to tell the authorities.
> Jane: I know. I'm just shaken up.
Tom: Not stirred.
> Daria: Umm, Jane, was it Evan?
> (Jane looks at her, and starts crying.)
Crow: [Daria, pouty] Fine! DON'T answer my question! Jeez!
Mike: The cast of "Daria" performs an episode of "Saved by the
Bell" written by Danielle Steele.
> ================================================================
> Scene 5: It's the next day at school.
Tom: As the reactions of Trent, Jane's parents, Jake and Helen are
completely irrelevant!
> Jane is still in the hospital. Show
> Daria and Joanna in Mr. O'Neill's class.(4)
Crow: [Jo] Am I cooler now than I was five minutes ago?
Mike: [Daria, sighing] Yes, Joanna.
> ================================================================
> Mr. O'Neill: And, as we can see in Ayn Rand's "Anthem",
Tom: Or in Ann Raynd's "Aynthem".
> she really creates a
> depth of plot in regard to humanity's future.
Crow: She creates a death of plot?
Mike: Yeah, Rand's works make me feel that way too.
> What is the message that Rand is
> trying to convey in this story?
Tom: "God is dead, let's spit on the grave."
> ...hmm, lets see, Jan? (Meaning Joanna.)
Crow: Thank you! (Meaning, who asked?)
> Joanna: That in the future, all people will be robot-like people with
> numbers for names.
Tom: Oh, gee, what a great joke, ZERO.
> Hey I wanna be Skater 696969.
Mike: Sorry, the French judge has awarded that placement to Salet and
Pelletier.
> Mr. O'Neill: Umm, no, I'm sorry. Daria?
> Daria: That once again true love triumphs overall.
> Mr. O'Neill: Exactly, Daria.
Crow: Very good! You get a cookie.
> (The intercom comes on.)
> Ms. Li: Attention students I have a saad announcement.
Tom: A Saab announcement. Will the owner of the metallic blue Saab
please get it the hell off my parking spot!
> One of our students, Jane
> Lane, was seriously injured yesterday.
Crow: [Li] Jane Lane, who refused my very reasonable offer of
protection.
Students who don't want to end up like Jane Lane should meet me
behind
the school at 4. Bring cash.
> (Murmurs are whispered between the
> students.)
Mike: [murmur] Everyone already knows!
Tom: [murmur] I know, she's so clueless!
> Mr. O'Neill: I'm so sorry, Daria, and Joann.
Crow: [O'Neill] I'm so sorry, Jane's best friend, and new kid whose
spirit
burns so bright it outshines the sun.
> Joanna: Hey, you're getting closer.
[All growl.]
Tom: Joanna, as one wiseass to another, there's a time and a place
dammit!
> Mr. O'Neill: Is there anything I can do to help?
> Daria: Sit down, and teach.
> Mr. O'Neill: Umm O.K. fine.
Mike: [Daria] Now bark like a dog.
Crow: [O'Neill] Arf?
Mike: [Daria] A BIG dog.
> ================================================================
> Scene 6: Show Jane in the hospital.
> ================================================================
> Jane: When will the results come in?
> Doctor: Well, they should get here in about a couple of days.
> Jane: Oh, goody.
Crow: What's with all the "goody"? Is a production of "The Crucible"
breaking out here?
> (Daria, Joanna, Jesse and Trent walk in.)
> Jane: Hey, what are you guys doing here?
Tom: They were drawn by the hip, mod sound of old people wailing for
their pills. WHAT DO YOU THINK THEY'RE DOING HERE?!
> Trent: We heard about you and came to the hospital.
> Doctor: Will that's nice.
Crow: Will's such a good boy.
> Jane, when we were going through your clothes, we
> found these. (He holds out a bottle of birth control pills.)
Mike: Doctor Shame. Airing your dirty laundry in public since 1953!
> Daria: Umm, why do you have those?
> Jane: Because two months ago Jesse, and me started having sex,
> and I decided to take them.(5)
Tom: Because, let's be honest. That is not a face you want on your
baby.
> Jesse: Jane, were you going out with another guy?
> Jane: No, I wasn't.
Crow: Shouldn't Jane... oh, what's the word... CARE about any of this?
Mike: Vulcan Rape Victim Theater will be back, after this, from the
good
folks at Pepperidge Farms.
> Trent: Because this Evan guy who you claimed raped you had the hots for you.
Tom: "Claimed"? Way to support your sister in a time of crisis,
Trent.
> Jane: That jerk? He just wanted power.
Crow: Apparently her nether regions double as an electrical outlet.
> The only reason why he did it is because
> I refused to go out with him.
Mike: [Jane] If I'd said yes, I'm sure he'd have been a perfect
gentleman.
> Joanna: Hmm. So, when do you get released from the hospital?
> Jane: Tomorrow.
> Daria: I need to get going.
[All snicker.]
Crow: Gee, I'm glad you could spare 25 seconds from your day to see
your
raped friend, Daria.
Tom: The author seems to equate rape with... I don't know, mono, or an
ingrown
toenail, or something.
> Trent, can you give me a ride?
> Trent: Sure. See ya, Janey.
> Jane: See ya.
> Joanna: I guess I'll be off too.
> Jane: Sure, bye
Mike: [Jane] And don't worry about abandoning me in my time of need.
I can always lay here and count the little holes in the ceiling
tile.
Again.
> Jesse: I'll stay here.
> Jane: O.K. Jesse?
> Jesse: Yeah?
Tom: [Jane] Did you know that in some countries it's customary to
bring
your hospitalized girlfriend chocolate, or flowers, or a magazine
or something?
> Jane: I'm scared. I mean I want Evan to pay,
Crow: Or play.
> but then that means there'll
> probably be a trial, and then I'll have to face the cameras and shit I don't
> want.
Tom: Maybe the hospital's crisis counselors picked a bad day
for their field trip to Atlantic City.
Mike: Bad timing.
> Jesse: Jane, shh. It'll be O.K. Try to get some rest.
> Jane: O.K. (She drifts off to sleep as Jesse strokes her hair.
Mike: Yes, nothing comforts a rape victim like the gentle caress of
a man.
> When she is well
> asleep he leaves.)
Mike: Well, nothing except letting her wake up alone.
> ================================================================
> Scene 7: It is a couple of days later. We see the four, Daria, Joanna, Jane,
> and Stacy in Ms Barch's Take back the Night Self-Defense Class.(6)
Crow: They really should've thought to trademark that.
Tom: Yeah, the "Take Back the Night" pre-mixed Kalhua drinks are just
a
little too much for me.
> ================================================================
> Jane: You guys, I don't want to do this.
> Joanna: Jane, you have running. Now learn to fight!
Mike: [Jane] But my hairline fractures-
Tom: [Jo] Who ya gonna listen to, me or some lame-o orthopedic
surgeon?
> Jane: It won't help.
> Ms Barch: Hmm, you four trying out for the self-defense club?
Tom: "Trying out" seems to defeat the purpose of the class.
> Daria: Umm, Jane and Joanna are.
> Ms Barch: Excellent! Well, just take a seat over there (she points toward a
> mat.)
Mike: Near a dumpster outside the building.
> (To all the students.) Ladies, welcome to the self-defense class. Here
> we learn how to beat the shit out of men.
Crow: But doesn't it get expelled naturally as part of the
digestive process?
> Now, we're going to pretend this
> punching bag is a filthy, slimy man.
Tom: Al Sharpton, for example.
> Do I have any volunteers? (Joanna raises
> her hand.)
> Ms Barch: Very Good!
Mike: [Barch] Your hand-raising skills amaze me! You must be that
cool
girl our lives now revolve around.
> Now, kick this punching bag any way you like.
Crow: I'd like to do it in this stunning ensemble from the Vera Wang
collection.
> (With that, Joanna runs at full speed toward the bag, jumps in the air as if
> though she were jumping on a skateboard,
Tom: The sad thing is, this is also how she takes communion.
> kicks the bag with first her right
> foot, then the left.
Mike: While she's occupied, all the Daria characters desperately
tiptoe
their way to the exits.
> She falls to the ground, but puts her arms out in front of
> her, and does a backward handspring kicking the punching bag so hard it
> rips.
Crow: Buffy, the Duffel Bag Slayer!
> She is then done. People have stunned looks on their faces then cheer.)
Tom: That bag was part of a band of hooligan canvas totes terrorizing
the
neighborhood.
> Ms Barch: Whoa! Pretty good! Class is over since this man has been killed!
[All titter and guffaw. Mike hangs his head.]
Crow: Great class. I feel safer now that I know how to watch other
people fight.
> Daria: Where did you learn that move?
> Joanna: I'm a street/skate fighter*
Mike: I go wherever plazas or Rollerblades strike fear in the hearts
of men!
> Jane: That was one hell of a move.
> Stacy: I'll say!
> Daria: Come on, we need to talk to Ms Barch.
Tom: We need to tell her how great that move was!
> Jane: Why? she'll just make me a lesbo.
[All growl and groan.]
Crow: Let's see, how can we get more unappealing... homophobia! Yeah,
that'll work!
> Joanna: It's worth a shot. Yo, Ms. Barch!
> Ms Barch: Yes, ladies?
> Stacy: Jane wants to talk to you.
Mike: The word "harridan" is on her vocab list, and she's looking for
a
context to use it in.
> Ms Barch: Jane, you got an A+ on your test.
> Jane: Umm, no, that's not what I wanted to talk to you about.
Tom: [Barch] Oh, wiseguy, ay?! D minus! Back to summer school!
> Ms Barch: Well, then, tell me.
> Joanna: Ms Barch, a week ago or so, Jane was raped.
> Ms Barch: Oh, those filthy men. Always wanting power dammit!
Tom: "Are you alright?"
Mike: "I'm so sorry!"
Crow: "Is there anything I can do?"
Mike: [considering] See, "Men suck" seems kinda lacking when compared
to
those other responses.
> Is this jerk in
> jail yet?
Crow: Just visiting, actually.
> Jane: No. I haven't told the police yet. Besides Evan's more popular, and
> they'll believe his excuse better.
> Ms Barch: What is it?
Tom: [Jane] That he's more popular. Weren't you listening?
> Jane: He'll say I'm a lesbian.
Crow: Huh? Why would it be legal to rape lesbians?
Mike: [shrugging] Got me.
> Which I am not.
> Ms Barch: What do you mean?
Mike: [sighs] Oh dear.
Tom: Ms. Barch, let me introduce you to this wonderful book called
"Our
Bodies, Ourselves"! If you'll turn to page 463...
> Joanna: She has a boyfriend.
> Ms Barch: WHAT?! Haven't you learned anything about men, Jane?
Mike: [Jane] I've learned to keep lots of burritos on hand, and not
ask
their opinions on figure skating.
> Jane: (She runs off crying, and screaming at Ms Barch.) DAMMIT, YES I HAVE,
[All cringe.]
Tom: Jeez.
> AND I AM SO DAMN FUCKING SORRY I'M NOT A LESBIAN LIKE YOU, DAMMIT!!
[All cringe further. Mike holds his hands up to shield his eyes.]
Mike: Ms. Barch was never homosexual!
Crow: Yes, but she's strong-willed, which is very LIKE being
homosexual.
> (She runs to the bathroom, and hides in a stall.)
Tom: Uhhh... I vote we leave her there.
Crow: Me too.
Mike: Anybody got a padlock?
> Joanna: Nice going. Quite frankly, if it weren't for a man you wouldn't be
> here.
Crow: [Barch] You leave my bus driver out of this!
> In fact, none of us would be here. Ms Barch, God created Adam and Eve,
> not Eve and Eve.
Tom: Ah, so the "hep cat" skateboarding street fighter sidebars as a
spin doctor for the Christian Coalition!
Crow: Later she'll tell her friends she did a "gay twist varial
disaster
revert".
> (She walks off to the bathroom looking for Jane.)
Mike: This character's about as believable as an Enron balance sheet.
Crow: Let us bow our heads in a moment of silence for Ms. Barch, who
died of shame the instant Joanna spoke.
> ================================================================
> Scene 8: Show Evan with Bobby Bighead,
Tom: o/~ Who's that guy with the big big head? o/~
Crow: Bighead!
Mike: Bighead?
Tom and Crow: BIGHEAD!
> and the guy that was hitting on Daria in
> "The Invitation", who I decided to name Cameron.
Crow: [weakly] Well thank you for being CANDID, Cameron! Heh! Heh.
[moans] Oh, I hate myself.
Mike: [patting his shoulder] It's OK. You tried.
> ================================================================
> Cameron: Woo! Way to go! How was she?
> Evan: Tightest fucking cunt ever.
Tom: You know, the comic book guy from "The Simpsons" really needs to
be more selective with his roles.
> Bobby: Hey, look who's coming. (He points to Jane.)
> (Jane walks by them, keeping her head down.)
> Evan: Hey, slut, have you told the authorities yet?
Crow: [Jane] Hey moron, did you know hospitals do rape kits and DNA
matches on all assault victims?
> Better not have, or I'll
> give you another unwanted fucking.
Tom: [Evan] Hey, what are you doing with that tape record- aw crap.
Mike: He makes it sound vaguely unpleasant.
> Jane: Go to Hell, you jerk ass!
> Evan: Bobby, Cameron, get her.
Crow: -a pick-me-up bouquet! She needs a boost right now!
> (Jane runs off at top speed with Evan, Bobby, and Cameron close behind.
Tom: Britney Spears Movie closing fast! Full Bladder barely holding
on!
And trailing the pack is Beeeeetlebaum.
> Finally she goes into the girls' bathroom an hides in one of the stalls.)
> Evan: Dammit!!
Crow: [Evan] I can't rape her in the girl's room! I'll get cooties!
Mike: [Evan, tempting] Hmmm, I guess we'll just have to eat these
nummy
Drake's Funny Bones all by ourselves! Sure is a shame Jane isn't
here to share a rich, chocolately, peanut buttery Funny Bone!
> ================================================================
> Scene 9: Show Jane in the bathroom stall leaning her head against the wall
> crying. Cut to the next stall where we see Stacy buttoning her shorts.
Tom: [resentful] See, now if it hadn't been for that rape scene, I
could be really enjoying this!
Mike: [comforting] I know honey. And I'd've disassembled you. But
it's all right.
> ================================================================
> Stacy: Umm are you O.K.?
> Jane: No.
> Stacy: Oh, my God, Jane! Is that you?
Crow: [Stacy] In the corner?
> Jane: Yes it is.
> Stacy: What's wrong?
Mike: Hair band nostalgia. That's very, very wrong.
> Jane: Nothing. Go away.
> Stacy: O.K. umm anything you say.
> (She leaves the bathroom. Five minutes later Jane walks out.)
[All rise from their seats and give a rousing, standing ovation.]
Mike: AUTHOR! AUTHOR!
Tom: Oh I am so glad I stayed for that!
Crow: Wow! I can't believe Stacy actually asked Jane if it was her!
Tom: I can't believe Jane said it was!
> ================================================================
> Scene 10: It's the next night ,and we see a red Mustang convertible. In the
> front we see Stacy with EVAN?(7)
Crow: Well hey, if YOU don't know...
> ================================================================
> Evan: I had a really great time.
> Stacy: Yeah, me too.
Mike: Those Hooters waitresses are very sweet once you give them a
chance!
> Evan: Your hair looks really pretty like that.
Tom: [Evan] The way it's falling off in garish clumps all over my car.
> (For once Stacy's hair isn't in pigtails, but is long and wavy.)
> Stacy: Thanks.
> Evan: So, what do you want to do now?
Crow: Do you still have that jigsaw puzzle in the trunk?
> Stacy: I don't know. (They look at each others eyes.
Tom: [Stacy] Your potatoes look great!
Mike: [Evan] Thanks! Your needle collection's pretty cool too.
> They lean forward and
> kiss. After awhile Evan's hand starts to slide up her shirt.
Crow: She must have a theramin up her blouse or somethin'.
> She slaps it
> away.)
Mike: [hockey announcer] SAVE by Niblett! Good stick work there!
> No!
> Evan: What's wrong? I just wanna have a little fun.
Crow: And you're a girl. According to Cyndi Lauper, we should be in
synch here.
> Stacy: I don't want to.
> Evan: (He grabs Stacy.) Aw, come on, you want it.
Tom: Here it is. Come and get. But you better hurry, 'cuz it may not
last.
> (Stacy punches him in the face, and jumps out of the convertible.
Crow: [calmly] Stacy's arms are pipe cleaners with skin. I do not,
accept, your premise.
> Dumbfounded
> Evan jumps out of the car and goes after Stacy.
Mike: You know, if you think of Stacy as Linda Hamilton... and Evan as
Arnold Schwarzenegger... it's like a really bad fanfic with Linda
Hamilton and Arnold Schwarzenegger.
> He catches up with her, and
> drags her back to the car. He throws her in the back seat and climbs on top
> of her.
Tom: [Evan] I'll make base camp at your ribcage here, and try to make
the epiglottis by nightfall.
> He then rips off her shirt. Stacy punches him in the face,
Crow: Try lower! Maybe his head will pop off like Rock'em Sock'em
Robots!
> which as a
> result he hits her. With all her force she kicks him out of the car. She
> jumps out, and runs away.)
Mike: [sighing] He chases her... drags her back to the car... and so
on
into the night.
> ================================================================
> Scene 10: It is two months later. Nothing much has happened except for the
> fact that Jane hasn't heard anything from Evan. She and Jesse are watching
> TV. Joanna is in the room hanging upside down from a rail.
[All snigger.]
Tom: [Jo] And to think you two were going to spend the evening alone!
Crow: Hope that rail's the one they run her out of town on.
> Something on TV
> catches Jane's attention.
Mike: [TV] Escaped mental patient still at large! If you see this
skateboard, do not attempt to apprehend her. RUUUUUUN!
> ================================================================
> Announcer: We interrupt this program to bring you a special report. Evan
> Niederland* has been arrested for charges of sexual assault, and rape by
> Stacy Nibblett*. He will serve 20 years in the Lawndale prison. (8)
Tom: Wow, justice is a lot swifter when they skip the trial!
> Jane: Oh, my God, he raped Stacy, too?
> Joanna: Not actually. She told me that he tried to, but she kicked him away.
Crow: [Jane] And you DIDN'T SAY ANYTHING?!
Mike: [Jo] Please! Was it about me? BOOOO-RING!
> Jane: Then, how did the rape charges get on him?
> Joanna: Well, you see, after the incident she went to me. I told her that ee
> raped you.
All: [giggling] What?!
Crow: Oh I just don't think so.
Tom: So, they just said he raped Stacy? He got collared for the rape
there's no evidence for?
Mike: Sounds like a bad "Law and Order" episode.
Crow: Known this season as a "Law and Order" episode.
> Jane: I'm so glad that's over with.
> Jesse: Yeah!
> ================================================================
> The End.
[All sputter with uncontainable hysterics.]
Mike: [shaking his head] Oh. Oh me.
Tom: Remember folks! Writing is easy, when you just don't give a
damn!
Crow: At least the sudden stop threw us clear of the story.
> ================================================================
> Author's notes:
Crow: Oh. Not quite.
> As said earlier, this is the graphic version of "Jane's
> Crisis" which a lot of things have changed.
Tom: Note she didn't say "improved".
> 1) In the other version Joanna hits her locker with her board.
Mike: "Bored" pretty much applies to this version too.
> 2) Joanna doesn't reveal she's in a band until the pizza scene.
Crow: Three! The salt shaker is slightly to the LEFT of the pepper;
before it was to the RIGHT.
> 3) In the original, Jane isn't taking the pills.
Tom: -so much as making a smoothie with them.
> 4) This wasn't in the original.
Mike: Five. Yes it was.
Crow: Six. Stop arguing with me!
> 5) They don't actually get together until "Love and Music" another story
> written by me.
Tom: Well... another story TYPED by her, anyway.
Mike: Footnotes supplied by guest author Samuel Coleridge.
> 6)This part also wasn't in the original.
Mike: After a nasty call from Disney, I removed the scene where Evan
rapes The Little Mermaid.
> 7) Even though Stacy knew she was raped she didn't know by who.
Crow: 7a) OK, yeah, Stacy was in the ambulance when Jane said it was
Evan. But she got distracted by this hunky paramedic with sharp
latino features!
> 8) In the original, Jane takes him to court where Tiffany testifies.
Mike: His knowledge of decorative lamp design proves the straw that
breaks the rapist's back!
> Some more notes:
> Street skate fighting is the art of teaching yourself to fight, and using a
> skate board as a weapon.
Tom: Real popular, until the Street/Pet Rock Fighters came along and
made
them cry for mommy.
> Sandi and Joanna's look-alike appearance will b explored in a very bizarre
> fanfic called "Our Alter Egos."
Crow: The scary thing is, she thinks THIS story was normal.
> Evan's last name isn't that.
Tom: Because "Evan That" sounds even dumber than Bobby Bighead.
> He has no last name on the show.
> Stacy's last name was revealed in "Who Shot Principal Li?" by Danny
> Bronstein (Please forgive me if I am wrong).
>
[All rise to leave.]
Mike: [grumbling] Oh, you're WRONG all right, sister.
Crow: C'mon, Mike. Stay positive.
Tom: Say it with us.
Mike: [sighs] Ok.
All: [together] I'm so glad that's over with.
Tom: Yeah!
[All exit.]
(*)... <2>... !3!... /4\... [5]... =6=... (%)
[CUT TO: SOL Bridge. Mike, and Crow stand there in bright colored
t-shirts, Dickies pants, and skateboarding helmets. Tom's wearing a
shell necklace and has a red bandana tied around his forehead.]
Mike: Aw, man, that Joanna is one ragin' dude, dude!
Crow: No fear, dude! She's such a dude, dude!
Tom: Actually I found her exaggerated embrace of youth culture a
little cloying.
[Mike and Crow look at him.]
Tom: Dude?
Mike: Dude!
Crow: Duuuuuude!
[As Crow speaks, we hear the FX of gas hissing through a hose.]
Mike: [dropping out of character] Um... you guys hear something?
Crow: Like what?
Mike: [thinks about it, decides it's just him] Nothing.
Tom: Aw, man, this is the life! Trapped in space, breathing
recirculated
oxygen, knowing you're the best there is at using your board!
Crow: Whoa, Tommy S! You're not intimating your skills on a
board are superior to my skills on a board?
Mike: Myself, I'm reserved about my skills on a board. While better
on a board than either of you on a board, I prefer to let the
board do the speaking, rather than act as an unsalaried spokesman
for the board. Which can only end in bad feelings between the
board
and its burgeoning press corp.
Tom: [challenged] That's it! Everyone! Grab your BOOOOARDS!
ALL: BOOOOOARDS! WHOOOO!
[Tom and Crow dash off screen. Mike tries, but he goes swimmy, and
collapses right on the desk. Tom comes back carrying a chalkboard,
and Crow comes in carrying an emery board. The FX of the gas
continue.]
Tom: OK! We've got our boards! I'm gonna use my blackboard to
demonstrate how the Bernoulli principle allows an airplane's
wing to create pressure differentials, resulting in lift!
Crow: And me? I'm the king of nail filing, as you can see from my
custom-built emery board! The flip side has custom art by Boris
Valliparo!
Tom: [waits a beat, then looks at Mike] Mike, what are you doing?
Crow: [whining] The joke doesn't work unless you bring in your ironing
board, and brag about your multiple temperature settings and
upright
steam spray abilities!
[They wait for Mike to respond. He does not move. He's out cold.]
Tom: Mike, come on! We did the "Mike's dead" skit back in "Projected
Man"! Season Nine!
Crow: Yeah, what, we can't have one skit where you're not the center
of attention? Well that's just great!
Tom: I am SO not talking to you right now!
Crow: Me neither!
Tom: There is no communicating with you when you're like this!
Crow: I'm done even trying!
Tom: It's like we can't even get a word in!
Crow: Oh, we might TRY to make a cogent observation.
Tom: Explain how small you're making us feel!
Crow: But it's pointless! Because you won't listen!
[They wait for Mike to respond. He continues to lay there, and the
gas sounds keeps hissing along.]
Crow: And stop making that stupid gas leak noise!
Tom: It wasn't funny when you started thirty seconds ago!
Crow: It certainly wasn't funny when you asked us if we heard it, and
we
lied and said we didn't!
Tom: And if anything, it's gotten even less funny now that you're
unconscious!
[CUT TO: Castle Forrester. Pearl cackles, as she shuts off the valve
on a
huge canister labeled "CARBON MONOXIDE". ]
Pearl: Apparently you little canaries didn't take my warning
seriously!
Now get back in that theater. And STOP, DOING THINGS!
[Cut to SOL. Lights flash, buzzer sounds.]
Tom and Crow: NOOO, WE GOT STORY SIIIIIGN!
[Tom and Crow leave. Mike does not move, but we go through the door
sequence anyway.]
(%)...=6=... [5]... /4\... !3!... <2>... (*)...
[Tom and Crow are already seated. Rubbing his head, Mike stumbles in
and takes a seat.]
Mike: Wow. How long was I out?
Tom: Ten hours.
Mike: Really?
Crow: Yeah, Tom and I played "Zobmondo" to kill time.
Mike: Boy. That's a disturbing amount of "Zobmondo".
> Are You That Guy?
Mike: No. I'm sorry. You lost yourself.
Tom: I think she thought you were someone else.
Crow: Eh. No biggie. Some rain, huh?
> By The Unknown
Tom: The Unklown! The sober, introspective clown who can't spell.
Mike: It's an "n" and you know it.
Crow: Or maybe, gro...@skateloser.com?
> Summary: Five months after the rape. Joanna throws a huge ass party.
Mike: Al Roker and Raymond Burr tie one on!
> Will Jane
> come, and will she click with a certain guy?
Crow: Oh, a fight over the remote! That's always good fanfic fodder.
> (and it isn't Jesse)
Tom: Lately something's changed that ain't hard to define. Jesse
doesn't have a girl, and I wanna make her... stop.
Crow: You know, now that we've read the summary, I say we skip the
story and grab us a Choco Taco.
[Crow rises to leave, Mike grabs him.]
Mike: Sit down.
Crow: Nuts.
> Scene 1: Show Daria, Jane, and Joanna walking down the hall.
Crow: I said, I don't wanna!
> Daria is in her
> usual attire. Joanna is wearing wide legs, and shirt that says "Hail Me!"
[All laugh weakly.]
Mike: Jane and Daria have shirts saying "We've Never Met This Woman
Before In Our Lives" on backorder.
> While
> Jane is wearing her black under shirt, and wide legged jeans. It has been
> exactly five months since the rape. (1)
Tom: So we should buy her a cake?
> Joanna: So you guys coming to my huge ass party?
> Daria: Sure why not.
Mike: [Daria] I've always been a sucker for ass-related festivities.
> Jane: I dunno. I mean aren't parties the main place for rape?
Tom: No, you're thinking of Mike Tyson's bedroom. That's miles away.
> Joanna: Jane. Evan is locked up (2)
Crow: [Jo] Those two guys he got to chase you aren't, but it's not
like
he can get on the phone and tell'em to wreak bloody carnage on
you or anything.
> Jane: Sigh, you're right. I'm going to walk home.
Mike: [Jane] And think about what my life was like before the
yammering
skateboard junkie.
> Daria: O.K see ya later.
> Joanna: Natch check it.
> Jane: Huh?
> Joanna: Nothing.
Crow: [Jo] Just me, being too cool for the room.
Tom: Joanna must be the girl "you're standing on my neck" was directed
towards.
> Scene 2: Show Jane walking home. She hears footsteps behind her.
Mike: Which was weird, since this rapist was in a wheelchair.
> She Quickens
> her pace.
Tom: "Highlander 2: The Quickening"!
Crow: "Jane's Crisis 2: The Sickening".
> Trent: Whoa! Slow Down Janey!
> Jane: Trent don't do that!
Tom: Don't... what? Caution you? Walk on the sidewalk? Respirate?
Beep if I get close.
> Trent: Sorry. So you going to Joanna's party?
> Jane: sigh, I don't know.
Mike: [Jane] If I need to be suffocated by a bore, I can always do
"One on One with John McLaughlin".
> Trent: Will think about it o.k?
Crow: [Jane] But my name's not Will.
> Jane: O.K.
> Trent: Jesse, and I are gonna rehearse.
Mike: Gonna do a scene from "The Fantastiks". You'll love it.
> You wanna hear us?
> Jane: No not really. Besides Jesse probably wouldn't be to thrilled to
> see me.
Tom: Well, try rubbing some Hardee's behind your ear.
> Trent: Alright.
> Jane: I'm going to my room.
> Trent: O.K. see ya.
Crow: You will believe a man can say good-bye to his sister.
> Scene 3: Show Jane in her room asleep close in on her hair then zoom out so
> we see Jane running through a forest.
Tom: "Prefontaine 3: This Time He's a Girl".
> Behind her is Evan. He tackles her to the
> ground.
Mike: Co-ed rugby. A co-production of ESPN and the Spice Channel.
> Jane: Get off of me NO GO AWAY! (We see an elipse of Jane
Tom: She's being a bit oval-dramatic.
[Mike and Crow groan.]
> tossing in her sleep.
> Suddenly she wakes up with a jolt.)
Crow: [Jane] AAAAUGH GET THE HAIR DRYER OFF MY WATERBED!
> It was a dream. Only a dream.
Mike: A luscious, velvety, buttery dream.
> (She reaches
> under the bed, and pulls out a stuffed tiger, that looks very similar to
> Hobbes from Calvin and Hobbes only darker.)
Crow: Bill Watterson's "Pulp Fiction".
> Jane: sigh Snuffers it's pathetic.
Mike: [tiger] You're telling me? I could write better! And I lack a
central nervous system!
> (She hugs it, and resumes to sleep.)
Tom: [dreamily] Yes, it's once more off to the Wifty-Nifty Land of
Nod... [hellishly] WHERE THREE-HEADED DEVIL-PARROTS WILL PECK
YOUR
EYEBALLS OUT! BLAH!
Mike: [cringing, softly] Sheez.
Crow: [at Tom] You're a weirdo, you know that?
> Scene 4: Show Trent and Jesse practicing.
Mike: [Jesse] Dude, you're like a hackeysack machine!
> Trent: Man something's really up with Janey.
Crow: [Trent] Wonder if that brutal rape has anything to do with it.
> Jesse: I hope she's not still mad about the break up.
> Trent: Give it time Jess. Just give it time.
Mike: For only with time can she understand why you discarded her
like some plaything you got bored with.
> Jesse: Yeah guess you're right.
> Trent: So are we still going to Joanna's party?
> Jesse: Isn't that a high school party?
Tom: Well, Joanna's in high school, soooo... no. No it's not.
> Trent: Aww come on Jess.
> Jesse: Alright.
> Trent: Knew I could count on you.
Crow: [Trent] My little abacus. C'mere and I'll rattle your beads!
> Scene 5: Show Jane in her bed. Crying.
Mike: Most people didn't take Mariah's performance in "Glitter" this
personally.
> Jane: It's not fair. Why does this shit always happen to me?
Tom: [Jane] I wish I were never drawn!
> First Evan rapes
> me. Then Jesse breaks up with me.
Crow: Then the Olympics preempted "West Wing"! OK, that one was
kinda minor. But it still hurt!
> Now everyone expects me to be cheery. It's so
> unfair.
All: ["Malcolm"] o/~ Life is unfa-a-air! o/~
> (cut to a flashback of her and Jesse.)
> Jesse: Jane I really think we should break up.
Tom: [furious Jane] I CAUGHT YOU IN BED WITH MRS. MORGENDORFFER!!
Mike: [Jesse] Jane, please. Let's not make this about blame.
> Jane: But why?
> Jesse: Well it's just that you were raped a short time ago.
Crow: [Jesse] And you gave the police my description. I'm calling
from
a holding cell.
> Jane: Oh so you consider me damaged goods?
> Jesse: That's not what I said!
Mike: I said you were factory refurbished! There's a big difference!
> Jane: Yeah I can see Evan was right about one thing. (Tears start to
> form in her eyes.)
Tom: [Jane, crying] Third party movements create only the illusion of
empowerment due to their counterproductive effect on the issues
they're formed to further!
> Nobody loves me.
Crow: [Jane, crying] Everybody hates me! I'm gonna eat some worms!
> (cut back to the present. Jane is crying again.)
Tom: o/~ Whoa, whoa, whoa! Janey's crying! o/~
> Jane: (Shaking) Yeah he was right. No one loves me.
Mike: [knock knock knock] Janey, it's Trent. Just wanted to make sure
you didn't think I loved you or anything.
> Scene 6: Show Joanna in her living room talking to Quinn on the phone, and
> making a check list.
Crow: [Quinn] OK, so far for not loving Janey we have Andrea, Kevin,
Brittney, Mack, you...
Tom: [Jo] Don't forget yourself.
Crow: [Quinn] Whoa, good catch!
> Quinn: So like what kinda music are you going to have?
> Joanna: Oh a little of each flavor.
Mike: Hammerstein, Lowe, Webber. Want to get a good spectrum across
the classic eras of Broadway.
> Plus two bands are performing!
> Quinn: Oh I hope it's the BSB! and N Sync!
> Joanna: No. It's my band, and Mystik Spiral.
Crow: They'll be juggling for food, but it's still performing in a
way!
> Quinn: Oh. So what should I wear?
> Joanna: Come screaming like a maniac naked.
Crow: Oh. It's one of THOSE parties.
> I don't know!
> Quinn: Ummm O.K guess I could wear that cute fuzzy sweater.
Mike: [Quinn] Or that cute Fuzzy Zoeller. Golf pros are sooo where
it's at!
> Joanna: Call the Fashion Club. See if they're still coming.
Tom: She needs to know how many bear traps to set out.
> Quinn: O.K bye.
> Joanna: Of course. Hmm let's see. Ah me call Jane!
[All snicker.]
Mike: Johnny Weissmueller throws a party.
> (She picks up the phone and
> dials. Cut to a split screen of her and Jane who looks normal now.)
> Jane: Yo!
> Joanna: Hey sup?
Crow: [Jane] No thanks, I already ate.
> Jane: Nothing.
> Joanna: So you coming or not?
Tom: [Jo] I got you this cute nametag! "My Name is Blank and I've
Been Raped".
> Jane: Fine I'll go. Beats being alone.
> Joanna: Great cuz I have a guy who really wants to meet you
> Jane: Yeah a guy. Who can use me ,abuse me ,then dump me?
Crow: Well the order is strictly up to you.
> Joanna: No. His name's Brandon. Tall, dark, cute too.
> Jane: I thought the same about Evan.
Mike: Jane, Evan was a five-foot-four walking pimple with hair!
> Joanna: Oh come on. He's really sweet, caring, sensitive.
Tom: [puzzled] Then why would he hang out with Joanna?
> Jane: I wish.
> Joanna: Do you turn out like Miss Bitch?
All: [resentful] HEEEYY!
Mike: Now that's just uncalled for!
Crow: Since when are anti-heroes this much anti and this little hero?
> Jane: Miss Barch. No. Fine I'll go.
> Joanna: Great see ya tomorrow. By.
Tom: [Jo] And remember, be at my party or you're a harlot and a tramp!
> Scene 7: Show The Lawndale Prison. Inside one of the cells is Evan and a
> Couple of guys named Knife and Brad.
Mike: [Prisoner 1] Hi, I'm Knife and Brad, and this is my friend,
Knife and Brad.
Crow: [Prisoner 2] No relation.
> Brad: (To Evan) So whatcha in fer kid? Kinda young ta be murdurin somone.
Tom: [Brandon] Thanks! I was a National Merit Scholar in third-degree
felonies.
> Evan: Oh nothing.
> Knife: Oh come on tell us kid. I'm in here for armed robbery, and Brad's in
> here for vehicular homicide.
Crow: He killed a car?! Neat!
> Evan: Alrite I raped some girl.
> Brad: Whoa kid ya know we don't tolerate yer type.
All: Huh? What?
> Knife: yeh raping some girl is just low kid.(3)
Tom: Moses... Francis of Assisi... Knife.
Mike: The giants of ethical morality.
> Evan: But you guys stole or killed someone.
> Brad: Yeh kid, but ya stole some girl's virginity, and killed her dignity.
Crow: I fail to see the dignity in ramming someone with your Ford
Esplanade!
Mike: And killing Jane's dignity was the author's crime.
> Come
> on Knife let's beat this little shit. (They beat the shit out of Evan)
Tom: Was it not Thomas Aquinas who said, "Verilee, let us open a can
of
whupass 'pon this pinhead geek!"
Mike: Yes. It was not.
> Scene 8: Show Joanna preparing the party.
Crow: [Jo] Got to get the seating right. Boy-bitch, boy-bitch.
> Joanna: O.K food over there. T.V in there. Skating in there.
[All snicker.]
Tom: In where, the linen closet or the butler's pantry?
> Dancing, and
> chilling here, pool outside.
Mike: [Jo] Altar where the unworthy masses can worship my flyness,
here.
> Got it. Need to rehearse. (She pick up a guitar,
> and starts singing.)
Crow: [Jo] o/~ Mi mi mi! o/~ I mean, o/~ Me me me! o/~
> Since when was the last time I looked in the mirror?
Mike: I'm guessin' ten, thirty seconds tops.
> Saw
> something queer couldn't quite tell it.
Tom: Hey, she's latent! This means her homophobia's nothing but a
shield of denial.
Mike: Tom? Drop that line of thought, and let it roll under the
couch. OK?
> When walking down the street I stopped
> short.
Crow: [Jo] Martin Short! I gave him my autograph.
> Walking by was my look alike.
Mike: Her evil twi-! Wait, no. Her humble, empathetic twin!
> and they said we could pass as twins, yet
> we share no common interests no hope for a common future.
Crow: This is a song?
Mike: It... has an ability to be spoken while music plays. I guess.
> I guess I have this to
> say.
Tom: [Jo] Everyone not at my party will have their clique status
devalued.
> Your my alter ego the side I've never shown before. A side I keep locked
> away in a storage place deep inside.
Mike: o/~ In Locker 423 in the bus depot of my so-o-o-oul. o/~
> That's all I gotta say for now.
> (She puts down the guitar. A short applause is heard.)
Crow: That's more politeness than she deserves, really.
> Brandon: Nice song Joanna.
Tom: Except for the words. And melody. And you should learn some
chords instead of just flailing at the strings like that.
> (He has spiky brown with bleached blonde streaks,baby
> blue eyes, has a muscular built, is 6'0, and has a goatee.)
Mike: I think it's George Gray from "The Weakest Link".
Crow: Good. Now I can be repulsed AND annoyed.
> Joanna: What are you doing here?
> Brandon: I was bored.
Tom: [Brandon] You got anything that like, explodes or something?
> Joanna: So you wanna meet a girl tonight?
> Brandon: I don't know.
> Joanna: Come on. Her name's Jane. Tall, black hair, pale skin,
Mike: [Brandon] Pale skin?! Va-va-va-VOOM!
> energetic, and
> sensitive.
Tom: And I emphasize "sensitive" before I mention her prehensile tail.
Crow: What about "smart"? "Talented"? "FUNNY", for cryin' out loud!
Mike: Take away "tall", and she's describing Michael Jackson.
> Brandon: Will O.k.
Crow: Yes, Will IS okay, isn't he?
> Joanna: Great. Will party will be starting in an hour.
Mike: Boy, this Will guy pulls a lot weight in this town.
Tom: The fact he got a non-speaking role says volumes.
> Scene 9: Show Joanna's house filled with people. We see the Fashion Club
> Looking at the food,
Tom: Cold McDonald's cheeseburgers, cut into quarters and served on a
toothpick.
Crow: The kind with the curly colored cellophane on the end? Ritzy.
> the three J's oggling Quinn, Brittany, and Kevin making out.
All: WHOA-HO!!
Crow: Quinn, Britt, and Kevin making out! It really IS one of those
parties!
Mike: [hanging his head in his hands] Stop. Stop. Stop. Stop.
Tom: Um... are you talking to us or the story?
Mike: I've lost track and I don't care.
> Daria,
> and Trent talking in the corner,
Tom: [Trent] Hey Daria. How's that whole social outcast thing going
for you?
> Brandon walking around, F.L.I.P. performing,
> and Jane on the couch with a soda talking to Jesse.
> Jane: Look Jesse I know I've been acting like a baby,
Crow: Nonsense! Now shut up and drink your Similac.
> but this ordeal has Been
> very painful. Ummm could we just be friends? I mean it seemed like all we
> did was have sex. (4)
Mike: [Jane] Sweaty, forbidden passion surging though our loins... we
certainly don't need any more of that!
> Jesse: Yeah I guess we could. Well gotta go check on Max, and Nick. (He
> walks off.)
Tom: Off to see Max God-she's-boring and Nick
Get-me-the-hell-outta-here.
> Jane: God I'm tired. (She looks up and sees Brandon.)
> Brandon: Umm hi. Are you Jane?
> Jane: Yeah and you?
> Brandon: Brandon Sumanhon
[All titter and guffaw.]
Tom: Oh, you can NOT be serious.
Crow: Brandon Sumanhon!?
Mike: Can we call you BS for short?
Tom: Just when I'm getting over Armond Harmon...
> Jane: Jane Lane. So what brings you to this party?
> Brandon: I'm one of Joanna's friends.
Crow: [Brandon] When she isn't shoving my Pokemon cards in the spokes
of her dirt bike.
> (Sits next to her.) So you wanna slow
> dance?
Mike: Rico! Suave.
Crow: BS is as smooth as a porcupine salsa.
> Jane: Next slow song. Yeah.
> Brandon: So what do you like to do?
> Jane: Art. Running.
Tom: Art running? What is that, racing Picassos?
> Brandon: Cool, I skateboard, and do art too.
> Jane: So who's your favorite artist?
Crow: [Brandon] Shakira! And her independent hips!
> Brandon: Oh I kinda like the works of M.C Escher. (5)
Tom: Can't paint this. o/~ Doo, doo doo doo. Doo doo. Doo doo. o/~
> Jane: Hmm I don't really have one.
Crow: Jane's getting very blonde all of a sudden.
> So what kind of stuff do you paint?
> Brandon: Oh I draw skater symbols, and naked people.
[All snicker.]
Tom: Nnnnnnekkid pipple.
Mike: Brandon's got all the brooding intensity of a first-season
Beavis.
> Jane: I see. I prefer blood, and lots of it.
Tom: Goth golly gee.
> Brandon: Cool. (F.L.I.P. starts to play a slow song.)
Crow: Trouble is, it's "We Didn't Start The Fire".
> Jane: Want to? (They step out onto the dance floor. Jane's wraps her arms
> around his neck, and his hands around her waist.)
All: Awwwwww...
Mike: [tender] Thank you, Hollywood, for depicting rampant teenage
hormones as love, again.
> Brandon: So do you like this?
Tom: [Jane] Still trying to get past that "Sumanhon" thing.
> Jane: Like what this song? Hmm... yeah I guess.
Mike: Never heard a rock band with a klezmer before.
> Brandon: So after the party do you want me to take you home?
> Jane: (Stops. Hands fall at her sides, and she runs outside crying.) GO
> AWAY! LEAVE ME ALONE!!
[All chuckle. Crow sighs, and shakes his head.]
Tom: Yes, the steady, confident, detached Jane Lane we've come to know
and love.
Crow: So... why is this show called "Daria", exactly?
Mike: It's complicated.
> Brandon: JANE! WAIT!
Crow: [Brandon] I really need an answer on whether I'm taking you home
or not!
> (The party goers stare at him as he runs out to find Jane. Who happens to be
> in the yard, kneeling down, sobbing.)
Mike: "Are You That Guy?" was made possible by a grant from The
Bipolar
Foundation.
Tom: TBF! Because we care about WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU LOOKING AT?!
> Jane: Just go away.
Crow: Renee.
> Brandon: Jane what's wrong?
> Jane: Like you would care.
Tom: Since when has that ever stopped a girl from talking?
> Brandon: Jane you can tell me.
Mike: [Brandon] We've grown really, really close in these last...
um...
damn, wish my watch had a second hand.
> Jane: O.K if you have to know, (softly) I was raped.
> Brandon: Oh no.
> Jane: I'm sorry I yelled at you like that it's just.
Crow: -my way of teaching you your place.
> Brandon: (interrupting her.) You thought I would assault you?
> Jane: Yeah.
> Brandon: I would never do that.
Mike: [Brandon] Certainly not now that you've... I mean, no! I
would never do that. Really.
> Jane: I guess you're right, but I still want to walk home with my friends.
> Brandon: O.K I understand. Hey call me tonight.
> (He writes down his number, and something else.)
Tom: His favorite passage from "Chicken Soup for Tony Hawke's Soul".
> Jane: O.K. (she slips the paper in her pocket.)
> Brandon: ummm are you going to leave now?
> Jane: Hold on. (she grabs his arms, and pulls him close.
Crow: [Brandon] So you're going to leave now? Now? What about now?
> They lean forward,
> And kiss each other gently, but in passion for about 3 minutes.
Tom: Ugh.
Mike: Jeez. BS, buddy. Think about this.
Crow: Yeah, this girl's about as stable as a three-legged pool table.
> They are then
> interrupted by...)
Tom: Check it out. We're caught between the Scylla and ellipsis.
[Mike and Crow groan.]
Mike: You're, um... unusually busy with the puns today, Tom.
Tom: Yeah. I figure no pun I make can be as bad as what we're
reading.
Mike: Well... don't be so sure.
> Joanna: O.K homies I think we're going to have a little heat tonight so get
> them coolers.
Crow: Bartles and James! The thinkin' girl's sod-y pop!
> Jane: What are you doing?
> Joanna: I was ready to leave.
Tom: But it's your house.
> Are you?
> Jane: Yeah, what about Daria?
> Joanna: Oh she's making out with Trent.
> Jane: I knew it.
Mike: [Jane] I win the pool! Can't believe Jesse thought they'd be
"arguing the nature of being".
> Brandon: Well guess I'll see you later.
> Jane: Yeah (He kisses her softly one more time.) By.
> Brandon: By.
Tom: Chair and co-chair of the Silent E Sucks Council.
> (Joanna, and Jane walk home together.)
Tom: But they were AT JOANNA'S HOUSE!
Crow: And not for nothing, but Jane was supposed to walk home with a
friend.
> Scene 10: Show Daria, and Trent driving in the car.
> Daria: I wonder if Jane's home now?
Mike: [Daria] Perhaps I should plant a lowjack in her spine.
> Trent: Yeah she should be. (They pull up to the Lane house. On the porch
> They see Jane who is reading the note.)
Crow: [resentful] The Lanes don't have a porch.
Tom: Even the houses are out of character.
> Trent: Hey Janey.
> Jane: Oh hey.
> Daria: What are you reading?
Mike: [Jane] "Celestine Prophecy".
> Jane: This note Brandon gave me.
> Daria: Oh.
> Jane: Will time to hit the sack.
Tom: But Will's not tired!
> (she walks in the house, and reads the note one
> more time it says.)
Crow: [Brandon] "Dear Abby. Your advice about repressing my out-of-
control date rape fantasies is working great!"
> Jane call me tonight my number is 435-0953 I really had a nice time, and
> remember you're special.
Mike: Not every girl can emit gibbon-like shrieks on command.
> One saying I have in mind.
Tom: [Brandon] "Dollars for donuts". What does that mean, exactly?
> You are like the unique
> flower that grows upon the others.
Crow: Sucking them dry like a parasite!
> Some may be in bunches fighting to be the
> prettiest, and some are like weeds who steal anything the chance they can
> get.
Mike: Some are like lichen growing on the north side of trees. It's
amazing how far you can take this comparison.
> You however are the one unique flower that stands out.
Tom: [Brandon] I'm going to pluck you for hybridized breeding
purposes!
Mike: I tell ya, "BS" is sure earning his monogram here.
> Some may think you
> strange, but I don't.
> Love Brandon.
Crow: P.S. As a naked people artist, I'm constantly looking for new
talent. If you're not busy Sunday...
> Jane: (A tear rolls down her cheek.) Evan was wrong. Someone loves me.
Mike: [Jane] Someone whose mangled allegories have just given my life
new meaning!
> The End
All: YAAAAAY!!!
> Song: Are You That Guy? by F.L.I.P
All: BOOOOOOO!!!
Tom: Somebody yank the plug from their amps, quick!
> Last time I saw a man it was a painful ordeal.
Crow: It was Kevin Costner in "Dragonfly".
> Didn't think I could ever trust
> anyone again. Till my eyes met yours from across the room.
Mike: Now I've given up on men, and started dating eyes!
> Couldn't stop staring
> at the face I had seen. So I walked across the room, as you did the same.
Tom: We passed each other and accomplished nothing. It was really
embarrassing!
> We
> introduced ourselves. Then we slow danced.
Mike: So are we to assume this a song?
Tom: Absent music, rhyme, meter, imagery, metaphor, or any other
poetic
devices, yeah.
> With one thought running through my mind.
Crow: Why not serve hot pepper sauce on vanilla ice cream?
> Are you that guy I can trust? The one
> who loves me for me, and not some lust.
Mike: Who'll fix my jalopy and scrape off the rust?
Tom: Who'll make me a home out of stale pizza crust?
Crow: Who'll defend my mail bombings as righteous and just?
> I hope you are. Yes I hope you are.
Tom: For YOUR sake.
> The
> man that I can trust.
Mike: TRUST Lee Myles, for all your transmission and teenage romance
needs.
> Authors notes:
> O.K., the story after "Jane's Crisis".
Crow: -sucked, but you've figured that out by now.
> As we can see in this one Jane does find
> another man, now to explain a few things
Mike: Here's how Hillary was able to kill Vince Foster and make it
look like a suicide...
> 1) Jane was raped in Jane's Crisis.
Crow: [shuddering] Like I'm ever gonna forget THAT. Perv.
> 2) She was raped by Evan.
Tom: A reminder, from the Church Of Latter Day Misanthropes.
> 3)It has been said that rapers are held the lowest down,
Crow: Lower than cutlasses or broadswords?
Mike: I'm guessing you read that as "rapiers".
Crow: Are you now. Well bully for you.
> and tend to be beaten,
> and shunned. I am going to explore this matter more in "Forgive Me Please".
Tom: She's the Ponce de Leone of prisons, she is.
> 4)In "Jane's Crisis" Jane and Jesse started having sex.
Crow: Not that I care, but no they didn't. Not that I care or
anything.
Mike: Perish the thought.
> 5) He was best know for his unusual tessellation.
Mike: His tessellation thought "Mad About You" was better than
"Seinfeld".
Tom: Wow. That's a pretty unusual tessellation.
> Will that's all I have now.
Crow: [Will] That's OK, honey. You tried.
> Cut to a shot of a girl sitting on a large arm chair. She is wearing a red
> robe, snow cap, and shades. This is Coolsy from the Wackies.
Mike: Yes, that's right... THE Coolsy from the Wackies!
> Coolsy: (Flatly) The story you have seen is true.
Crow: Except for that bit about me being Coolsy from the Wackies.
> All of these events Have
> happened. Should I also note that no more strange bizarre stuff will happen.
Tom: [Coolsy] I've spoken to God, and he's on board with me on this
one.
> (As
> if on cue a jar with a girl inside hops past.)
Crow: Huh?
Mike: Must be a friend of Jan in the Pan.
> Jar Girl: I want beer give me beer!
Tom: An endearing, alcoholic version of Sonny the Cocoa Puff Bird.
Crow: She's bonzo for Bass Ale!
> Coolsy: Oh God. (Two girls run past laughing like maniacs, holding a sign
> that says "This Has Been a Shumeup Production".
Mike: Oh, it's been some kind of "up" production, all right.
> Then a boy that looks gothic
Crow: He has a cathedral ceiling?
> lights
> the place on fire.)
> Boy: Alright! (The screen burns to a crisp, as we hear maniac laughing in
> the back ground.)
Tom: Ladies and gentlemen... Arson Wells.
[Mike and Crow glare at Tom threateningly.]
Tom: Oh, what, like it wasn't?
Mike: You are so lucky it's time to go.
[Mike picks up Servo, Crow rises, they begin to exit.]
> Another note: O.K that was a little bizarre, but that will be my closing
> from now on. So get used to it.
>
Mike: Never ever ever in a million zillion years!
Crow: I'm so glad that's over with. Again.
Tom: Yeah!
[All exit.]
(*)... <2>... !3!... /4\... [5]... =6=... (%)
[OPEN ON: SOL Bridge. Mike is sitting, awkwardly, fidgeting. Tom and
Crow
flank him, bored.]
Crow: Boy. Hanging on the bridge not doing anything was a whole lot
more fun
when we could do stuff.
Mike: Yeah. [stops, considers what was just said] I mean... yeah.
Tom: Still, there is a certain comfort in having the decision of what
to do
resolved for us.
Crow: Like in today's fanfic.
Mike: Huh?
Crow: Well, think about it. When Jane gets raped, do any of the good
folks in Lawndale stress over difficult decisions like how to
comfort
her, how to talk about it-
Tom: How it makes THEM feel-
Crow: Or whether to confront the rapist about his destructive
behavior?
Mike: No... [he gets it] because Unknown has already decided how
they should feel for them!
Crow: Every act, no matter how heinous, is immediately accepted with a
blasé, wiseass attitude!
Tom: These people know not to beat a dead horse, but rather stand next
to it,
and go, "Look. A dead horse."
Mike: They are a proud, and simple people!
Crow: Well, simple, anyways.
Tom: And what is it that gives their lives such structure?
All: INDIFFERENCE!
[Intro music to "Tradition" plays.]
Mike: [spoken] Yes, my friends, without indifference, our lives would
be as shaky as a Fiddler on the Half-Pipe!
Mike: o/~ How can you stand your co-worker's derision? o/~
Crow: o/~ Even your own mother
Tells you you're a failure. o/~
Tom: o/~ How can you stand there, watching your fiancé
Tonsil-box the garbage man? o/~
All: o/~ IN-DIF-FEREEEENCE, INDIFFERENCE! o/~
[Suddenly the music stops, and the SOL bridge goes completely dark.]
All: [startled] In-diff-YAH!
[Now the sprinkler systems bursts to life. Mike and the bots
cringe as they get soaked.]
All: AAAUGH! JEEZ!
Mike: What the hell?!
Tom: You know guys, I think Pearl may have noticed.
Mike: [mad at himself] Aw man! That whole "not doing things" thing!
[hits himself in head] Stupid! G'ah!
Crow: Wow. And we were just talking about it too! I gotta admit,
I feel shamefully dumb right now.
Tom: Tell me about it! After what happened the first time?
Mike: We've gotta just have no ability to retain information, or
learn from experience whatsoever!
Crow: Shyah!
[The three stand there, cold and dripping wet in the dark, annoyed at
their own idiocy. The sprinklers keeps pouring.]
Tom: So... should we do the second verse?
Mike: Don't see why not.
Crow: [pleasantly] I think we'd be fools NOT to!
Mike: OK then! o/~ What do you call it, when-
[We hear the FX of a heavy weight being released from a rope. Mike
looks up
and screams as a large fluorescent statue of an unpleasant looking
man in
glasses and a three-piece suit lands on Mike's shin, pinning him. He
screams in agony.]
Mike: AAAAUGH!
Crow: Woooow! Pearl dropped us a life-sized glow-in-the dark statue
of
Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld!
[Mike desperately clambers up the desk, pounding the table in pain.]
Mike: My foot! It's on my foot!
Tom: [still in awe of statue] It's amazing! It features are so cold,
so harsh!
Crow: Bordering on grotesque!
Mike: [pounding] Someone get it off my foot!
Tom: Yet suddenly I feel so much more secure about our ability to
defend
ourselves from foreign interests!
[Mike looks at his leg in horror.]
Mike: [near tears] Oh my god, my leg's bent like Gumby!
Tom: Oh, buck up Mike. At least you don't have to worry about that
carbon monox-
[FX as the seeping gas pours in again. Mike double takes, and throws
Servo a look before slowly blacking out and slumping beneath the
desk.]
Tom: Heh heh! Sorry Mike! Don't worry, the nanites'll reconstruct
your shinbone, Gyps'll get you some oxygen and a towel, and we'll
have
you back in the theater watching deviant rape fantasies in no
time!
Crow: What a trooper. Let's move the statue to his half-bath!
Tom: [to audience] We'll be right back.
Crow: Hey, Tommy, check this button out!
[Crow presses a button on the statue. Suddenly it frowns horribly.]
Tom: WOOOOW! An articulated scowl!
Crow: Cool!
[CUT to logo, commercials.]
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