[MiSTed] - Star Trek: The 5th Generation
mst...@ns.cencom.net
MiSTer's note: I know Frank's gone. But I wrote this MiSTing while he
was still there. So, for a moment, let's all escape to the magical days
of yesterday, when our beloved TV's Frank was still Dr. F's dim-witted
assistant. Also, this is my first MiSTing. Go easy on me. Think about
it, won't you? Thank you.
==========================================================================
[SOL. Mike is fiddling with a small brown contraption on Servo's head.
Crow looks on, eating a sandwich. Mike turns to Cambot.]
MIKE: Uh, hi, folks, welcome to the Satellite of Love...I'm Mike Nelson,
and this is my pal Tom Servo. About a week ago, I managed to fix Tom
so that he'd have about the I.Q. of Forrest Gump. Sort of as a joke,
right? I tried it on Crow, but it didn't seem to have any effect.
CROW: (munch) Nope.
MIKE: Huh. Well, it was fun for a while, but now I can't make it stop!
This is getting really *weird*!
CROW: I guess all we can do is make him comfortable. (holds sandwich out
to Tom) Sammich, buddy?
TOM : Yes, I know.
MIKE: (stares at Tom for a moment, then snaps out of it) Uh...
[The yellow light flashes.]
MIKE: We've got commercial sign.
TOM : Tell me about the rabbits, Mike...
<Just say NO.J.!>
[SOL.]
MIKE: (ripping the brown contraption off Tom) There!
TOM : Wow! What happened?
CROW: Well, you promised to give me that Butterfinger you've been hiding...
[The red light flashes.]
MIKE: Ah, that'll be Barney and Friends.
TOM : Really?
MIKE: Tom... (taps the button)
[Deep 13.]
DR. F: Hello, Guybrush. Do you want to rule the world?
FRANK: Sure, we all do!
DR. F: That's right! And now, global domination's never been easier
with...show the product, Frank.
FRANK: (stepping back to reveal a table with several books on it) It's
Dr. Clayton Stonewall Forrester's Do-It-Yourself Guides for World
Conquest!
DR. F: That's right! Subjugate humanity according to your own interests,
budget, and schedule! My Do-It-Yourself Guides for World Conquest
are guaranteed to get results in three weeks or less. Written in
close collaboration with the master of evil himself!
FRANK: Gallagher?
DR. F: No! Pat Robertson. Titles include...
FRANK: "So, you want to be a Dictator"!
DR. F: "Genocide for Fun and Profit"!
FRANK: "Fascism can be Fashionable"!
DR. F: "Totalitarianism from A to Z"!
FRANK: "Do it the Hitler Way"!
DR. F: "Dare to be Nazi"!
FRANK: And there's so much more.
DR. F: Only $19.95 each. Available this fall from Pocket Books. Frank
will be sending you complimentary copies via the Umbilicus.
[SOL.]
CROW: That's...that's...
TOM : Evil?
CROW: Well, yeah!
[Deep 13.]
DR. F: Fine. If you babies won't conquer the world, *I* will. Anyway,
your experiment today will be a series of throughly sickening shorts
from our pals at alt.startrek.creative. They're sort of like
"Revenge of the Romulans" without the exhilirating action sequences.
It *will* make you hurt. Read it and weep, pink boy!
[SOL.]
ALL : POST SIGN!!
[..6..5..4..3..2..1..]
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[Mike et al. enter the theater.]
>alt.startrek.creative #5341 (195 more)
>From: Mark or Randy Fay <r...@rmii.com>
CROW: (little whiny voice) OW! My BUTT!
MIKE: (laughing) Crow!
TOM : Guys, no more caning cracks.
>
TOM : You know...caning? Crack?
MIKE: We got it, Tom.
> [1] STAR TREK THE 5TH GENERATION
TOM : You know, this was Roddenberry's *true* dream.
>Date: Tue Feb 14 18:43:27 CST 1995
>Organization: Rocky Mountain Internet Inc.
>Lines: 23
>NNTP-Posting-Host: slip165.rmii.com
>
>IT WAS A HAPPY DAY ON EARTH.
MIKE: Benny Hill was dead.
> THE ENTERPRISE H WAS READY FOR LAUNCHING.
>TOMORO,2357 IT WOULD BE LAUNCHED.THE CAPTAIN,TELEGU WAS ESPECIALY EXCITED
TOM : Sure, who *wouldn't* be?
CROW: How can one not find *this* exciting?
>SHE WOULD BE THE CAPTAIN OF THE NEW FLAGSHIP.
MIKE: Lollipop.
> WHEN LAUNCHING TIME CAME
>THE CAPTAIN ALMOST THREW UP.
CROW: Starfleet had gone back to serving airline food.
> AFTER THE LAUNCH THE ENTERPRISE HEADED RIGHT
>FOR
>THE HUMAN COLONY ON GUSPLASH 3 AT WARP 13.
MIKE: Or was it Gusplash 13 at Warp 3? Oh, well.
CROW: No, it was Earth 2 at Warp 6.
TOM : Wasn't it Babylon 5 at Warp 9?
CROW: You mean Deep Space 9 at Warp 5.
TOM : Nonono. Planet 10 through the 8th Dimension!
MIKE: (placing a restraining hand on each of the Bots) Stop. NOW.
> THEY HAD EVACAUTE IT BEFORE THE
>ROMULANS DEYSTROYED IT.OVER THE YEARS THEY HAD GOTTEN LIKE THE BORG.
TOM : Whining. Sniveling. Couldn't stay out of a season finale.
>DEYSTROY EVERYTHING YOU CAN OR WE WONT RULE THE UNIVERSE.
MIKE: They hadn't discovered Dr. Clayton Stonewall Forrester's...
TOM : Mike...
MIKE: You're right. I'm sorry.
> OF COURSE ROMULANS
>NEV
>ER
CROW: Thursday nights, only on NBC!
>STOOD A CHANCE AGAINST ANY OF THE ENTERPRIZES AND THEY NEVER LEARNED ABOUT
>WARPS
>ABOVE 10.
MIKE: Fortunately, Starfleet had gone to DeVry.
> WHEN THE ENTERPRISE ARIVED AT GUSPLASH 3 THEY BEAMED ALL THE
>COLONISTS
>UP
>JUST BEFORE THE ROMULANS ARIVED.THERE WERE SO MANY THAT THE ENTERPRISE
>COULDNT KILL THEM OFF
TOM : CAPTAIN!THERE ARE SO MANY THAT WE CANT KILL THAM OFF!
> AND THEY COULDNT RUN AWAY BECAUSE THIER WARP DRIVE
>WAS
>BROKEN.
CROW: Damn foreign warp drives!
>THEY SENT OUT A SHUTTLECRAFT WITH LOTS OF FIREPOWER TO DISTRACT THE
>ROMULANS,
>WHILE THE ENTERPRISE SNUK UP AND GOT THEM FROM THE BACK WITH THE PHASERS.
MIKE: Heh. No, really. Just take our word on this one.
CROW: Fortunately for them, Romulans are unbelievably stupid.
>THE ROMULANS DIDNT PAY ATTENTION TO THE SHUTTLECRAFT NOW.IT SLIPPED IN
>BETWEEN R
>OMULAN SHIPS.
>THE CHIEF OF ENGINEERING MARK,
MIKE: Mark, the sensitive Chief of Engineering.
> WHO WAS IN THE SHUTTLE,SET AN AUTO DESTRUCT
>ON THE SHUTTLE AND THE ENTERPRISE LOWERED ITS SHIELDS FOR JUST ENOUGH
>TIME
>TO BEAM MARK ON BOARD,WHILE THE SHUTTLECRAFT EXPLODED.
CROW: Wow. That was riveting.
MIKE: Am I glad I paid $7.50 to see *this*.
> WHEN THE SHUTTLECRAFT
>EXP
>LODED
MIKE: ...Weapon 1, starring Emilio Estevez...
>IT SET FIRE TO ALL THE ROMULAN SHIPS,SO THEY COULDNT DEFEND THEMSELVES.IN
>5 MINUTES THEY WERE ALL DEYSTROYED.
CROW: Unfortunately, their personal finances were a mess!
> THE ENTERPRISES WARP DRIVE WAS FIXED
>SO THEY WENT TO THE NEAREST STARBASE.THE END
>
[Everyone stares for a moment.]
CROW: Hey, what the Heck Ramsey was *that* all about!?
TOM : That's IT?
MIKE: Well, I suppose we should be thankful. (picking up Tom to leave)
CROW: Cripes, Mentos commercials only *aspire* to be this sad.
>IF YOU WANT MORE STAR TREK THE 5TH GENERATION,THEM EMAIL ME AT
>R...@RMII.COM
ALL: NO!!
[..1..2..3..4..5..6..]
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[Mike and the Bots enter.]
TOM : Well, thank God *that's* over.
[The red light flashes.]
MIKE: Nancy and Jerry Jaax are calling. (taps the button)
[Deep 13.]
DR. F: Heh. Heh heh. Heh heh heh heh ha ha ha ha HA HA HA HA HA!!!
HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!! (collapses ROTFL)
FRANK: I think what the good doctor's trying to say is that there's another
short by Mark Fay. Or Randy Fay. Can't really tell.
[SOL. Everyone is staring at Cambot with dopey expressions on their faces.]
CROW: Oh, poopie...
[The lights flash.]
ALL: AAAAHHH!!! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
[..6..5..4..3..2..1..]
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[Everyone enters slowly.]
CROW: (whining) I don't wanna...
MIKE: Come on, Crow, we took Red Zone Cuba, we can take this...
>alt.startrek.creative #5516 (171 more)
>From: Mark or Randy Fay <r...@rmii.com>
MIKE: Depends on who's sober.
>[1] STAR TREK THE 5TH GENERATION EPISODE #2
TOM : The Quickening!
CROW: Oh, cripes, Tommy, do you know what you just started!?
TOM : (gasp) Uh, oh...
>Date: Sat Feb 18 11:31:56 CST 1995
>Organization:
MIKE: Cellular! Heh, heh...
CROW: With these guys? You sure?
> Rocky Mountain Internet Inc.
>Lines: 22
TOM : Used to be 26, before syndication.
>NNTP-Posting-Host: slip1663.rmii.com
>
>THE ENTERPRISE LEFT STARBASE 2 AT WARP 16.
MIKE: Or was that...
TOM : Mike, don't.
> THEY WENT ON FOR ABOUT AN HOUR
>BEFORE
CROW: ...he finally stopped to ask for directions.
>THEY FOUND TONS OF SHIP DEBRIS.THEY INSPECTED IT TO SEE WHAT IT USED TO BE.
MIKE: To see what condition its condition was in.
>UNFORTUNATLY IT WAS THE U.S.S DREAM ,
TOM : The ship responsible for the decent plots?
> ONE OF STARFLEETS MORE POWERFULL
>SHIPS.EITHER THEY DID SOMETHING WRONG OR SOMEBODY ATTAKED THE SHIP.
MIKE: Ha! Did something wrong?
TOM : Oh, you know, these wacky starships, always self-destructing on you...
> THEY LEFT
>AT WARP 5 SO THAT THEY MIGHT BE ABLE TO SEE THE CULPRIT IF THERE WAS ONE.
>WHEN THEY DIDNT SEE ANYONE FOR A DAY THEY WENT TO WARP 19,
CROW: So, it's warp 19, now?
TOM : Heh...
> TO MAKE UP FOR THE
>LOST TIME.
>SUDDENLY A BLAST CAME FROM BEHIND AND HIT THIER MAIN POWER SOURCE.
>FOR A MOMENT ALL THAT COULD BE HEARD WAS THE COMPUTERS VOICE SAYING
MIKE: "OH MY GOD!! WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!!"
>"PRIMARY POWER IS DOWN"
CROW: Primary plot is down!
TOM : Switch to subplot!
>BEHIND THE ENTER PRISE WAS NOTHING THEY COULD SEE
CROW: Oh, I...huh?
> ,AND THE SENSORS WERE DOWN.
>DOWN.
CROW: Down?
TOM : Down!
MIKE: Down.
> THEY TOOK A SHUTTLECRAFT OUT TO EXPLORE THE THING THAT WAS BEHIND THEM.
> *
> _______________________*
> | USS ENTERPRISE \ *
> | NCC 1701 H \
> | \
> |-------------------------\
> *
>
>* *
> *
CROW: Turns out it was a crappy ASCII graphic.
TOM : Oh, like you could do better.
MIKE: (picking up Tom) Wow, all this *and* the cutting edge of computer
imaging, too!
>(TO BE CONTINUED)
TOM : Mommy...
[..1..2..3..4..5..6..]
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[All enter.]
TOM : Mike, I want you to slit my wrists. Right now.
MIKE: No...
TOM : Please?
MIKE: No, Tom! Besides, they're just Slinkies.
CROW: They are?
TOM : What?
[Crow and Tom stare in horror at Tom's arms. Mike gives them a funny
look as the red light flashes.]
[Deep 13.]
DR. F: Well, boobies, ready to admit defeat yet? NO! Wait! Don't answer
that just yet. Sit through this last bit of keyboard excrement from
the Fays first. In your *face*, Nelson!
[SOL. Crow rushes on screen.]
MIKE: Did you find it?
CROW: Nope! No more Hinder-90 *anywhere*!
[The lights flash.]
ALL : WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!!!
[..6..5..4..3..2..1..]
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[All enter. Crow and Tom are whining.]
MIKE: Come on, guys, this is it! We can make it!
TOM : Okay...
>[1] startrek the 5th generation episode #2 part #2
TOM : I certainly hope they take steps to resolve the complex issues brought
up in part one.
>Date: Sat Feb 18 12:41:53 CST 1995
MIKE: A day that would live in infamy!
CROW: Truer words were never spoken, Mike...
>Organization: Rocky Mountain Internet Inc.
TOM : Lines: 1500!
CROW: Oh, God, Tommy, that's not funny!
MIKE: Don't *ever* do that during a Fay fanfic.
TOM : Sorry.
>Lines: 26
>NNTP-Posting-Host: slip152.rmii.com
>
>WHEN THE SHUTTLECRAFT HAD GONE 600 METERS IT RAN INTO SOMETHING.
CROW: IT WENT *THUNK*.
>THE SHUTTLES SENSORS WERENT DOWN SO MARK,WHO WAS IN THE SHUTTLE
>SCANED WHAT HE HAD RUN INTO.IT WAS THE BORG.
MIKE: Borg borg borg!
CROW: That's "bork", Mike.
> THEY HAD RECREATED THEMSELFS
>AFTER
>BIENG KILLED
TOM : Man, let's just repost the whole thing to alt.flame.spelling and get
it over with.
>BY THE ENTERPRISE D.(ENCOUNTERS WITH THE BORG JUST RUN IN THE FAMILY OF THE
>ENTERPRISES DONT THEY)
TOM : Well, sure, except for the original and Enterprises A, B, C, and E.
CROW: And sometimes Y.
>THE BORG HAD CREATED A CLOAKING DEVICE THAT YOU CAN FIRE UNDER AND IT CAN
>STAY
>CLOAKED FOR EVER.
CROW: So we're saying that if Elizabeth Tay...
[Crow is cut off in mid-sentence as we cut to commercial]
<CC ads returned to the pits of hell from whence they came>
> WHEN THE SHUTTLE HAD RUN INTO THE BORG VESSEL ITS
>SHIELDS WENT DOWN.ONE BLAST FROM THE BORG SHIP WOULD DEYSTROY THE
>SHUTTLE
>COMPLE
>TELY.
MIKE: GUTTER
CROW: BUMBER
TOM : CHUTE.
>CAPTAIN TELEGU BEAMED MARK OUT
TOM : ...and beamed Randy in.
CROW: Yeah!
> AND THE SNATCHED THE SHUTTLE OUT OF RANGE OF
>THE
>BORG WITH THE TRACTOR BEAM,THEN PUT IT IN SHUTTLE BAY.THEN WENT AWAY AT
>WARP 26.
>
> __________________________
> | |
> | |
> | |
MIKE: | THIS SPACE FOR RENT |
> | |
> | |
> | |
> |_________________________|
> /
> /
> /
> _____
> |____\
TOM : Heh! Good one, Mike.
CROW: Hey, wait, how'd you do that?
MIKE: Um...I don't know. (picking up Tom to leave)
[..1..2..3..4..5..6]
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[Mike and Tom enter. Crow is typing away at a computer.]
TOM : That one really, really hurt, Mike.
MIKE: Don't worry, Tom, it's over. Hey, Crow, whatcha doin'?
CROW: Oh, I figured I'd satisfy my primal thirst for revenge against Mark
or Randy Fay by flooding them with hate mail!
TOM : Well, have fun.
MIKE: Tom! Look, Crow, there must be some better way to feel better about
the fanfic. Here, why don't you write your own and post it on
alt.startrek.creative?
CROW: Yes, Mike, but...I have a life.
TOM : No, you don't.
CROW: Oh. Right.
MIKE: Guys, you don't have to be some pathetic idiot with no life to write
fanfics!
TOM : Though it certainly helps.
MIKE: Well...
CROW: Good idea, guys! Ha ha! Let's see now...(tap tap tap tap tap)
Enterprise vs. Soup! Perfect!
[The red light flashes. Mike looks at Cambot and smiles.]
MIKE: These two. What do you think, sirs?
[Deep 13. Dr. F has a look of utter astonishment on his face.]
Dr. F: What happened!? You weren't even supposed to be up and walking
around after these stink bombs! I couldn't make fanfics this lame
if I *tried*! These were wrose than Manos, worse than Racket Girls,
worse than Sistar Act 2, even worse than Squa...
[Pause.]
FRANK: (collapsing) SQUUUUUAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANNTOOOOOOOOOO!!!
[Whoosh!]
==========================================================================
Mystery Science Theater 3000 and its related characters and situations are
trademarks of and (c) 1995 by Best Brains, Inc. All rights reserved.
Use of copyrighted and trademarked material is for entertainment
purposes only; no infringement on the original copyrights or trademarks
held by Best Brains, Inc. is intended or should be inferred. Really.
Comments, flames, etc. welcome...in other words:
What do you think, sirs?
Greg ("No, a *different* Greg. My name doesn't rhyme with SPAMBurger")
--
Greg Pape, AKA Trumpy the Flying Lagomorph...MSTie #24910
<mst...@cencom.net> Formerly known as Crow to TSN\INN-ers...Hi, Bob!
Canter, Siegel, Green Card. ThE mAsTeR dOeS nOt ApPrOvE oF sUcH tHiNgS.
"Grog, please. Shaken, not stirred." -- Guybrush Threepwood