REPOST OF PART FIVE of 7th Fleet (cleaned version)
Tv's Weretorgo
CROW: [as Greer, nervously] Except of course for that lieutenant commander
you ordered killed, and that captain whose ship you fired upon- not that those
are bad things, oh Great One!
> Captain Sinclair yielded command to you. We have no need or want to
> gainsay his opinion.
JOEL: [as Greer] Plus, if we do, we'll be killed off SO fast.
> You got us out of trouble and on our way back to our
> lines. The least we can do is to continue to follow you."
> The other Captains, now seated at the table, responded with a chorus of
ALL: [as captains] ARE YOU NUTS?
> "Here, Here."
SERVO: [as Captains] More beer over here!
> "In that case, I'd like a status report on each ship," Marrissa said.
> "Captain Greer."
> "I'm afraid the Nimitz is going to have to be abandoned," Greer began.
> "We've got massive coolant contamination problem.
CROW: [as Greer] I can't for the life of me figure out how all that strawberry juice got in
there.
> We've stabilized all
> systems, but the ship itself is fast becoming uninhabitable. If this
> weren't a war situation, we could be towed to a Starbase and be
> decontaminated in a week. Since we are at war, we are going to have to
> abandon her."
SERVO: [as Greer] I'll end my report by repeating the opening line. "I'm afraid the Nimitz is
going to have to be abandoned."
> "Lieutenant Williams, what's the status of the Virginia?" Marrissa said.
> "We've lost our bridge, along with most of our command crew," Williams
> said. "Other than that, we are in good repair.
CROW: [as Williams] We didn't need that part of the hull anyway.
> I'm a little short in the
> security department, and I'm all out of photon torpedoes."
JOEL: [as Williams, moronically] Speaking metaphorically, of course.
> "Would you object to Captain Greer taking command of your vessel?"
> Marrissa asked.
> "No sir, I would not," Williams said. "I can command in a pinch, but I
> prefer not to."
SERVO: [as Williams] Because, as stated earlier, I have security issues to work out.
> "Captain Greer, after we're done, any person needing additional crew will
> stay here," Marrissa said. "I'll assign a couple wings of fighters to
> escort your departing crew. Take the torpedoes as well. I'm sure your new
> command can use them. Leave your ship on minimum power. Hopefully, after
> the war, we'll be able to come back and get her.
CROW: [as Marrissa] In the meantime, I'm sure our adversaries will appreciate us leaving a
mostly-functioning ship lying around!
> Anyone else have problems?"
JOEL: [as a captain] I...uh...can't openly express my love for my wife.
> After a moment's silence, she continued, "Then I can expect all of your
> ships to be up to specs."
> "Commander, if the Virginia isn't above specs by the time you order us
> out, you can have my commission," Lieutenant Williams said.
SERVO: [as Williams] Plus 15% of the gross, *plus* a share of syndication.
> "Okay, then at 0900 hours tomorrow morning, we'll depart," Marrissa said.
> "Taking a course towards Risa at warp 8 should bring us into contact with
> our lines around 1300. Until then, keep the chatter to a minimum. We
> probably can't evacuate the Nimitz without some noise, but the less we make
> the better. My Fighter Commander has already informed me that Red Wing has
> killed one Jem'Hadar scout."
>
JOEL: [as Marrissa] So on that note let's wrap this scene.
[commercials]
> Chapter Four
>
> The Enterprise was under attack. Four Jem'Hadar battleships were
> attacking her in concert.
JOEL: And you thought *Kiss* was a show!
> Her only help was a trio of Excelsior Class
> ships, who were held up by a half dozen Jem'Hadar scouts themselves.
SERVO: [newscaster voice] Three Excelsior class starships were held up by a band of Jem
Hadar scouts today. The scouts made off with four kegs of Romulan ale, six gallons of
Saurian brandy, six liters of anti-matter, two cartons of tribbles and three cases of
Tranya.
CROW: *And* a Pan-Galactic Gargle Blaster.
JOEL: [softly, an aside] And two hard boiled eggs.
> Rear Admiral Jean-Luc Picard sat in his chair. His expression was
> determined, no one was getting his ship. Captain Riker was at the helm,
> taking the place of an injured ensign. Data sat at Operations, unreadable
> as always.
SERVO: [as Data, monotone] Drive not ready. Abort, retry, fail?
> The Bridge was standing up well to the fight. So far, no
> panels had blown.
CROW: And no ensigns with odd names were killed yet.
> Still, the dark red lit bridge of battle gave a sense of
> urgency. It was deserved. The Enterprise was shaking under fire.
> "Shields at 42 percent, Admiral," the tactical officer said.
> "Number One, hard to port," Picard ordered. "Mr Data, any word on
> reinforcements?"
SERVO: [as Data] Yes, but the word is "unxious," so you won't get to use it a whole
lot.
> "No sir," Data replied. After a moment, he spoke up again. "I'm
> detecting multiple warp signatures coming from Cardassian Occupied Space.
> At least a dozen."
JOEL: [as Picard] Is that a regular dozen, or a baker's dozen?
> "We really could use those reinforcements now," Riker commented, as the
> Enterprise made a close pass over one of the Jem'Hadar battleships.
CROW: Why can't they just retreat? They don't seem to be guarding anything
important.
> "Incoming call from the approaching ships," Data announced. "Identified
> as the Seventh Fleet, lead by the Stargazer, Commander Marrissa Picard
> commanding."
> "Put her on," Admiral Picard ordered. Marrissa appeared in the
> holographic display beside the viewscreen.
JOEL: Hey! They stole our HexField Viewscreen!
> "Need a hand, Dad?" Marrissa asked.
CROW: [as Picard, screaming/sobbing] GIVE ME BACK MY HAND!
> "If you don't mind, Marrissa," Jean-Luc Picard said. "It does look bad
> when the Federation Flagship is not winning the battle."
JOEL: [as Marrissa] Like I'll ever have that problem.
> "It does?" Marrissa said. "I'll remember that.
CROW: [as Marrissa] Now, get bent, old timer!
> Jay launch all fighters.
> Let me show you what my ship and the Seventh Fleet can do.
JOEL: Uh... next to nothing?
> Stargazer out."
> On the Enterprise's main screen, the Stargazer decelerated from warp.
> Seven wings of Seven fighters
CROW: As I was on my way to St. Ives
I met a fleet with seven ships.
Each ship had seven bays.
Each bay had seven fighters.
Each fighter had seven torpedoes.
Torpedoes, fighters, bays, ships,
How many blow up at St. Ives?
> left her bays, their wings tipped red, blue,
> green, yellow, orange, purple, and black.
SERVO: Always color-code your files, receipts, floppy disks and fighter shuttles.
> All but the Black wing took up
> chase of Jem'Hadar scouts. Black moved in to guard the Enterprise. From
> behind the Stargazer, eleven more ships had come out of warp.
CROW: And they had *how many* ships before the fanfic started? 120?
JOEL: Sad, really.
> The Ambassador Class starship Kentucky lead the Excelsior Class starships
> Hikura, Hermes and Churchill after one battleship.
SERVO: Now *THERE'S* an effective usage of ship power.
> Anther battleship faced
> the wrath of Captain Greer on the Virginia. He lead the Sullivans, the
> Majestic, and the Pike in a rush designed to make sure he didn't have to
> abandon another ship.
JOEL: This time, he was going out in a blaze of glory.
> The Rabin,
SERVO: Edgar Allen Poe with a--
JOEL: Stop. Now.
> the Paris, and the Devin joined the
> Stargazer in an attack on the third battleship. The Enterprise's Escorts,
> whose attackers now had other things to worry about, now took on the fourth
> battle ship.
SERVO: [perky female voice] All right, girls, let's escort the heck out of this
one!
> "Commander Riker, move in on the ship that the Lee, the Perry, and the
> Patton are targeting," Admiral Picard ordered.
CROW: I wonder what'll happen when Ratliff runs out of famous American
generals' names to use.
SERVO: The USS Huey, the USS Louie, and the USS Dewey, that's what'll happen.
> "Captain, the fighter wing is shooting down all incoming torpedoes," the
> tactical officer reported. "Shields are beginning to regain power."
>
> A Jem'Hadar scout cut in front of the Enterprise,
SERVO: [as Picard] Hey, use your damn signal!
> the seven fighters of
> purple wing on it's tail.
JOEL: [patronizingly] Today's crappy fanfic is brought to you by the number "seven."
CROW: --As in, the "seven" circles of HELL.
> The Enterprise fired on it. One scout down.
> The wing turned toward the scout blue wing was chasing. As they passed, it
> left seven lines of burning Jem'Hadar hull behind it.
JOEL: Spelling out "I was buzzed by a bunch of kids."
> Not all Federation
> weaponry was on the same settings. Suddenly all over the battle field, the
> Federation fire got a lot more deadly.
SERVO: Someone *finally* took the weapons out of "please don't hurt me" mode and
kicked them up to "mega-death." Now if Data can just figure out the game cheats...
CROW: How can Data type IDKFA without a keyboard?
> First it was the Virginia's target,
> then the Kentucky's, the one two explosions rocked the Enterprise back and
> forth. One by one, the Jem'Hadar scouts died under fire of the fighters of
> the Stargazer.
JOEL: After preparing for battle by watching countless martial arts movies, the
Jem'Hadar came at the Stargazer in the tried and true "one at a time" fashion.
> The Enterprise, the Lee, the Perry, and the Patton destroyed their designated > battleship.
> That left the Stargazer's target. The Stargazer lead a run down it's
> kneel, stern to bow. Just as the Stargazer cleared the bow, a torpedo
> impacted right were the port lower warp nacelle was attached. The nacelle
> spun off and exploded. The Stargazer limped off at impluse,
JOEL: As Marrissa makes a note to herself, "Turns out snuggling up to the enemy battle
cruiser is a *bad* idea".
> but it's
> attacker wasn't so lucky.
SERVO: It made the mistake of pausing for a half-second trying to figure out
what the hell "impluse" meant.
> A score of torpedoes from the Rabin and the
> Devin, impacted on the battleship's rear. The explosion engulfed the
> Jem'Hadar battleship's rear, expanding along it's length, consuming the
> ship in an orange and yellow fireball.
CROW: Ohh, shouldn't have gone to that bean festival...
>
> "All Jem'Hadar ships destroyed, sir," Data reported. "Incoming call from
> the Stargazer."
> "On screen, Mister Data," Rear Admiral Jean-Luc Picard ordered. "Let's
> see how my daughter faired."
> The bridge of the Stargazer appeared on the Enterprise's viewscreen. To
> say that it didn't look it's best was an understatement.
JOEL: Ah, the subtle understatement we’ve come to expect in the work of Ratliff.
> The center helm
> console was in shambles. A thin haze of smoke hovered near the ceiling.
> Marrissa sat in the center seat.
SERVO: ...hastily stubbing out a blunt.
> Her hair was a mess and she had a small
> cut on her left cheek. Behind her, the tactical officer had somehow
> managed to rip his left sleeve partially off.
CROW: Wow! Intense, sleeve-ripping action!
> Jay Gordon was intensely
> working at his console, ignoring the developing bruise on his head.
JOEL: After all, it didn't cause much *damage!*
SERVO: I knew that having his brain up his butt would prove advantageous sooner or later!
> "Enterprise, this is the Stargazer," Marrissa said. "I think we are going
> to need a tow."
> "I'd be happy to provide on, Marrissa," Jean-Luc Picard said. "I'll tell
> Starbase 367 to expect us. Is there anything else you need?"
> "No sir," Marrissa replied. "I think we have everything pretty much in
> hand.
CROW: [as Marrissa] Got some bruises over here, torn uniforms there, we ripped off a fender and
dropped the tranny on that last run, we're burning oil and leaking anti-matter like you
wouldn't believe, and of course most of the fleet's toast - yep, everything's under
control.
> Just let me recover my fighters and we'll be ready to depart."
> "Signal when you are ready, Marrissa," Jean-Luc Picard said. "And have
> someone look at that cut, and Mr. Gordon, don't forget your bruise.
SERVO: [as Gordon/John Cleese] Yes, Captain, I'm doing it Captain.
> Enterprise out."