flying circus sketch's #4
zas...@sask.usask.ca
I decided that I would combine them all together and post them as four
messages instead of all seperate messages... much easier for me to post.
The following is a list of the sketch's in this part:
Penguin
Petshop
Phrasebrk
Pirranha
Sheep
Spam
Tour
and Wood
Enjoy,
============================================================================
Larry Zasitko | Amiga........ //
University of Saskatchewan | By Commodore //
Saskatoon, Saskatchewan | \\ //
Canada | Zas...@sask.usask.ca \X/
============================================================================
€€**** The Penguin on top of the Tellyvision set an
d The Death of Mary ****
**** Queen of Scots from Monty Pythons Flying Circus ****
**** Transcribed from memor
y by ****
**** Malcolm Dickinson ( CLAR...@YALEVM.BITNET ) 3/28/86, ****
****
and revised to 99 94/100% accuracy by R. "GUMBY" Preston ****
(voice over) Number ninety-seven: a radio.
Radio Announc
er: And now the BBC is proud to present a brand new radio
series, "The Death of Mary, Queen of Scots."
Part One: The Beginning.
(music)
Man's voice: Yoo arrr Mary, Queen of Scots?
Woman's voice: I am! (sound o
f violent blows being dealt, things being
smashed, awful crunching noises, bones being broken, and
other bodily harm being inflicted. All of this accompanied
by screaming from the woman.)
(music fades up and o
ut)
Announcer: Stay tuned for part two of the Radio Four Production of "The
Death of Mary, Queen of Scots", coming
up...almost immediately.
(music)
(sound of saw cutting, and other violent sounds as before, with the woman
screaming. Suddenl
y it is silent.)
Man's voice: I think she's dead.
Woman's voice: No I'm not!
(sounds of physical harm and screaming start aga
in.)
(music fades up and out)
Announcer: that was episode two of "The Death of Mary, Queen of Scots",
specially ad
apted for radio by Gracie Fields and Joe Frazier.
And now, Radio Four will explode.
(music)
The radio explodes.
Tw
o old women are sitting on the couch listening to the radio when it
explodes. One looks at the other:
1: We'll have to watch t
he Telly-vision!
2: Aaaaw. (sound of agreement)
(they turn the couch so it's facing the television. One turns the
on, and they sit down. There is a small penguin sitting on top
1 & 2: (singing, mumbled) hhmhmhmhmh.
.. mhmmhmh mhmhm hhmhmmhm mhmhmmhmhmhÜf(pause)
2: (matter-of-factly) Look
s like a penguin.
(pause)
2: It's been a long time there, now, has it?
1: What's it doin' there?
2: Standin'!
1: I can see that!
(pause)
1: If it laid an egg, it would roll down the back of the telly-vision set.
2: Ummmm. I hadn't thought of that.
1: Unle
ss it's a male.
2: Yes. It looks fairly butch.
(pause)
1: Per'aps it's from next door.
2: (yelling) NEXT DOOR?!? Penguins don't
come from NEXT DOOR! They come
from the Antarctic!
1: (yet louder) BURMA!!!
(they both stop short, looking around)
2: Why'd'j
say that?
1: I panicked.
2: Oh.
1: Per'aps it's from the zoo.
2: Which zoo?
1: (angrily) 'ow should I know which zoo it's from?
!? I'm not Doctor bloody
2: 'Oo's Doctor bloody Bernofsky?
1: He knows everything.
2: Oooh, I wouldn't like that,
that'd take all the mystery out of life.
(pause)
2: Besides, if it were from the zoo, it'd have "property of the zoo"
stampe
d on it.
1: They don't stamp animals "property of the zoo"!! You can't stamp a
huge lion "property of the zoo"!!
2: (confiden
tly) They stamp them when they're small.
1: (snapping back) What happens when they moult?
2: Lions don't moult.
1: No, but pengu
ins do. THERE! I've run rings around you logically.
2: (looks at the camera) OOOOH! INTERCOURSE THE PENGUIN!!!
(The televisi
on warms up: a man is sitting behind a news desk)
Man: Hello! Well, it's just after eight o'clock, and time for the
peng
uin on top of your television set to explode.
(the penguin explodes)
1: 'Ow did 'e know that was going to happen?!
Man: It w
as an educated guess. And now:
Voice over: Number ninety-eight: the nape of the neck.
€€**** The Hungarian Phrasebook sket
ch ****
**** from Monty Python's Flying Circus ****
**** transcr
ibed 1/16/88 by Betty McLaughlin ( IO6...@MAINE.BITNET )****
Set: A tobacconist's shop.
Text on screen: In 1970, the British Empire lay in ruins, and foreign
nationalists frequented th
e streets - many of them
Hungarians (not the streets - the foreign nationals).
Anyway, many of
these Hungarians went into tobacconist's
shops to buy cigarettes....
A Hungar
ian tourist (John Cleese) approaches the clerk (Terry Jones). The
Hungarian: I will not buy this record, it is scratched.
Clerk: Sorry?
Hungarian: I will not buy this record,
it is scratched.
Clerk: Uh, no, no, no. This is a tobacconist's.
Hungarian: Ah! I will not buy this *tobacconist's*, it is scra
tched.
Clerk: No, no, no, no. Tobacco...um...cigarettes (holds up a pack).
Hungarian: Ya! See-gar-ets! Ya! Uh...My hovercraf
t is full of eels.
Clerk: Sorry?
Hungarian: My hovercraft (pantomimes puffing a cigarette)...is full of eels
(pretend
s to strike a match).
Clerk: Ahh, matches!
Hungarian: Ya! Ya! Ya! Ya! Do you waaaaant...do you waaaaaant...to come
ba
ck to my place, bouncy bouncy?
Clerk: Here, I don't think you're using that thing right.
Hungarian: You great poof.
Clerk: That'
ll be six and six, please.
Hungarian: If I said you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against
me? I...I am no l
onger infected.
Clerk: Uh, may I, uh...(takes phrase book, flips through it)...Costs six
and six...ah, here we are. (spe
aks weird Hungarian-sounding words)
Hungarian punches the clerk.
Meanwhile, a policeman (Graham Chapman) on a quiet street cups
his ear as
if hearing a cry of distress. He sprints for many blocks and finally
Cop: What's going on here then?
Hungarian: Ah. You have beautiful thighs.
Cop: (looks down at hi
mself) WHAT?!?
Clerk: He hit me!
Hungarian: Drop your panties, Sir William; I cannot wait 'til lunchtime.
(points a
t clerk)
Cop: RIGHT!!! (drags Hungarian away by the arm)
Hungarian: (indignantly) My nipples explode with delight!
(scene switc
hes to a courtroom. Characters are all in powdered wigs and
judicial robes, except publisher and cop. Characters:ÜfJudge: Terry Jones
Bailiff: Eric Idle
Lawyer: John Cleese
Cop: Graham (still)
Publisher: Michael Palin )
Bailiff:
Call Alexander Yalt!
(voices sing out the name several times)
Judge: Oh, shut up!
Bailiff: (to publisher) You are Alexand
er Yalt?
Publisher: (in a sing-songy voice) Oh, I am.
Bailiff: Skip the impersonations. You are Alexander Yalt?
Publisher: I a
m.
Bailiff: You are hereby charged that on the 28th day of May, 1970, you
did willfully, unlawfully, and with malic
e of forethought,
publish an alleged English-Hungarian phrase book with intent to
cause a breach of the pe
ace. How do you plead?
Publisher: Not guilty.
Bailiff: You live at 46 Horton Terrace?
Publisher: I do live at 46 Horton terra
ce.
Bailiff: You are the director of a publishing company?
Publisher: I am the director of a publishing company.
Bailiff: Yo
ur company publishes phrase books?
Publisher: My company does publish phrase books.
Bailiff: You did say 46 Horton Terrace, di
d you?
Publisher: Yes.
Bailiff: (strikes a gong) Ah! Got him!
(lawyer and cop applaud, laugh)
Judge: Get on with
it, get on with it.
Bailiff: That's fine. On the 28th of May, you published this phrase
book.
Publisher: I did.
Ba
iliff: I quote on example. The Hungarian phrase meaning "Can you
direct me to the station?" is translated by the En
glish
phrase, "Please fondle my bum."
Publisher: I wish to plead incompetence.
Cop: (stands) Please may I ask f
or an adjournment, m'lord?
Judge: An adjournment? Certainly not!
(the cop sits down again, emitting perhaps the longest and
loudest release
Judge: Why on earth didn't you say WHY you wanted an adjournme
nt?
Cop: I didn't know an acceptable legal phrase, m'lord.
(cut to ancient footage of old women applauding)
Judge: (banging
+ swinging gavel) If there's any more stock film of women
applauding, I'll clear the court.
**** end of file PHRASEBK P
YTHON 1/20/88 ****
€€**** The tale of the Piranha Brothers ****
**** From episode 1 of series
2 of Monty Python's Flying Circus ****
**** (similar to the one on "Another Monty Python Record") ****
**** Trans
cribed from Monty Python's Big Red Book (the new hardback ****
**** edition)
****
**** by Jonathan Partington ( JR...@PHX.CAM.AC.UK ) 3/21/88 ****
Last Tuesday a reign of terror was ended wh
en the notorious Piranha
brothers, Doug and Dinsdale, after one of the most extraordinary trials
in British legal history, were
sentenced to 400 years imprisonment for
crimes of violence.
We examined the rise to power of the Piranhas, the methods they use
d
to subjugate rival gangs and their subsequent tracking down and capture
by the brilliant Superintendent Harry 'Snapper' Organs
of Q Division.
Doug and Dinsdale Piranha were born, on probation, in a small house in
Kipling Road, Southwark, the eldest sons
in a family of sixteen. Their
father Arthur Piranha, a scrap metal dealer and TV quizmaster, was well
known to the police,and a
devout Catholic. In 1928 he had married
Kitty Malone, an up-and-coming East End boxer.
Doug was born in February 1929 and Din
sdale two weeks later; and again
a week after that.
Someone who remembers them well was their nextdoor neighbour, Mrs April
Sim
nel. "Oh yes Kipling Road was a typical East End Street, people were
in and out ofeach other's houses with each other's property
all day.
They were a cheery lot. Cheerful and violent. Doug was keen on boxing,
but when he learned to walk he took up puttin
g the boot in the groin.
He was very interested in that. His mother had a terrible job getting
him to come in for tea. Putting
his little boot in he'd be, bless him.
All the kids were like that then, they didn't have their heads stuffed
with all this Cart
esian dualism."
At the age of fifteen Doug and Dinsdale started attending the Ernest
Pythagoras Primary School in Clerkenwell.
When the Piranhas left school
they were called up but were found by an Army Board to be too unstable
even for National Service.
Denied the opportunity to use their talents
in the service of their country, they began to operate what they called
'The Opera
tion'... They would select a victim and then threaten to
beat him up if he paid the so-called protection money. Four months la
ter
they started another operation which they called 'The Other Operation'.
In this racket they selected another victim and thre
atened not to beat
him up if he didn't pay them. One month later they hit upon 'The Other
Other Operation'. In this the victim
was threatened that if he didn't
pay them, they would beat him up. This for the Piranha brothers was the
turning point. Doug a
nd Dinsdale Piranha now formed a gang, which they
called 'The Gang' and used terror to take over night clubs, billiard
halls, ga
ming casinos and racetracks.
When they tried to take over the MCC they were for the only time in
their lives, slit up a treat.
As their empire spread however, Q
Division were keeping tabs on their every move by reading the colour
supplements. One small-t
ime operator who fell foul of Dinsdale Piranha
was Vince Snetterton-Lewis. "Well one day I was at home threatening
the kids when
I looks out through the hole in the wall and sees this
tank pull up and out gets one of Dinsdale's boys, so he comes in nice
an
d friendly and says Dinsdale wants to have a word with me, so he
chains me to the back of the tank and takes me for a scrape rou
nd to Üjand Charles Paisley, the baby crusher, a
nd two film producers and a man
they called 'Kierkegaard', who just sat there biting the heads of
whippets and Dinsdale says 'I
hear you've been a naughty boy Clement' and
he splits menostrils open and saws me leg off and pulls me liver out and
I tell him
my name's not Clement and then... he loses his temper and
nails me head to the floor." Another man who had his head nailed to t
he
floor was Stig O' Tracy.
Rogers: I've been told Dinsdale Piranha nailed your head to the floor.
Stig: No. Never. He wa
s a smashing bloke. He used to buy his
mother flowers and that. He was like a brother to me.
Rogers: But the police
have film of Dinsdale actually nailing your head
to the floor.
Stig: (pause) Oh yeah, he did that.
Rogers: Why?
St
ig: Well he had to, didn't he? I mean there was nothing else he
could do, be fair. I had transgressed the unwritten
law.
Rogers: What had you done?
Stig: Er... well he didn't tell me that, but he gave me his word
that it was the
case, and that's good enough for me with old
Dinsy. I mean, he didn't *want* to nail my head to the floor.
I
had to insist. He wanted to let me off. He'd do anything for
you, Dinsdale would.
Rogers: And you don't bear him a gr
udge?
Stig: A grudge! Old Dinsy. He was a real darling.
Rogers: I understand he also nailed your wife's head to a coffee t
able.
Isn't that true Mrs O' Tracy?
Mrs O' Tracy: No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Stig: Well he did do that
, yeah. He was a hard man. Vicious but fair.
Vince Snetterton-Lewis agreed with this judgement. Yes,
definit
ely he was fair. After he nailed me head to the table,
I used to go round every Sunday lunchtime to his flat and
apologise, and then we'd shakehands and he'd nail me head to
the floor. He was very reasonable. Once, one Sunday
I told
him my parents were coming round to tea and would he mind very
much not nailing my head that week and h
e agreed and just
screwed my pelvis toa cake stand.
Clearly Dinsdale inspired tremendous fear among his business asso
ciates.
But what was he really like? Gloria Pules knew him intimately.
"I walked out with Dinsdale on many occasions and found
him a charming
and erudite companion. He was wont to introduce one to eminent
celebrities, celebrated American singers, members
of the aristocracy and
other gang leaders, who he had met through his work for charities. He t
ook a warm interest in Boys' Cl
ubs, Sailors' Homes, Choristers'
Associations and the Grenadier Guards. "Mind you there was nothing unusual
about him. I should
say not. Except, that Dinsdale was convinced that
he was being watched by a giant hedgehog whom he referred to as 'Spiny
Norman
'.
Normally Spiny Norman was wont to be about twelve feet from snout to
tail, but when Dinsdale was depressed Norman could be a
nything up to
eight hundred yards long. When Norman was about Dinsdale would go very
quiet and start wobbling and his nose woul
d swell up and his teeth would ÜjBaldwin."
Roger
s: "Did it worry you that he, for example, stitched people's legs
Gloria: "Well it's better than bottlin
g it up isn't it. He was a
gentleman, Dinsdale, and what's more he knew how to treat a
female impersonator.
"
But what do the criminologists think?
We asked The Amazing Kargol and Janet: "It is easy for us to judge
Dinsdale Piranha t
oo harshly. After all he only did what many of us
simply dream of doing... I'm sorry. After all we should remember that
a murd
erer is only an extroverted suicide. Dinsdale was a looney, but
he was a happy looney.
Lucky bugger.
Most of the strange tale
s concern Dinsdale, but what about Doug? One
man who met him was Luigi Vercotti. "I had been running a successful
escort agency
-- high class, no really, highclass girls -- we didn't have
any of *that* -- that was right out. So I decided to open a high c
lass
night club for the gentry at Biggleswade with International cuisine and
cooking and top line acts, and not a cheap clip joi
nt for picking up
tarts -- that was right out, I deny that completely --, and one evening
in walks Dinsdale with a couple of big
lads, one of whom was carrying a
tactical nuclear missile. They said I had bought one of their fruit
machines and would I pay
for it?
They wanted three quarters of a million pounds. I thought about it and
decided not to go to the Police as I had notice
d that the lad with the
thermonuclear device was the chief constable for the area. So a week
later they called again and told m
e the cheque had bounced and said...
I had to see... Doug.
Well, I was terrified. Everyone was terrified of Doug. I've seen
grown men pull their own heads off rather than see Doug. Even Dinsdale
was frightened of Doug. He used... sarcasm. He knew a
ll the tricks,
dramatic irony, metaphor, bathos, puns, parody, litotes and... satire.
"He was vicious."
In this way, by a comb
ination of violence and sarcasm, the Piranha
brothers by February 1966 controlled London and the Southeast of England.
It was in
February, though, that Dinsdale made a big mistake. Latterly
Dinsdale had become increasingly worried about Spiny Norman. He h
ad
come to the conclusion that Norman slept in an aeroplane hangar at Luton
Airport.
And so on Feb 22nd 1966, Dinsdale blew up
Luton. Even the police began
to sit up and take notice. The Piranhas realised they had gone too far
and that the hunt was on.
They went into hiding. But it was too late.
Harry 'Snapper' Organs was on the trail. "I decided on a subtle approach,
viz. som
e form of disguise, as the old helmet and boots are a bit of a
giveaway. Luckily my years with Bristol Rep. stood mein good ste
ad, as
I assumed a bewildering variety of disguises. I tracked them to Cardiff,
posing as the Reverend Smiler Egret. Hearing t
hey'd gone back to London,
I assumed the identity of a pork butcher, Brian Stoats. On my arrival in
London, I discovered they h
ad returned to Cardiff, I followed as Gloucester
from _King Lear_. Acting on a hunch I spent several months in Buenos ÜjŚAires as Blind Pew, returning through the Panama Canal as Ratty, in _Toad
of Toad Hall_. Back in Cardiff, I relived my triumph
as Sancho Panza
in _Man of la Mancha_which the "Bristol Evening Post" described as 'a
glittering performance of rare perception'
, although the "Bath Chronicle"
was less than enthusiastic. In fact it gave me a right panning.
I quote: 'as for the performa
nce ofSuperintendent Harry "Snapper" Organs
as Sancho Panza, the audience were bemused by his high-pitched Welsh
accent and inti
midated by his abusive ad-libs.' The "Western Daily News"
said: 'Sancho Panza (Mr Organs) spoilt anotherwise impeccably choreogr
aphed
rape scene by his unscheduled appearance and persistent cries of "What's
all this then?"'" Against this kind of opposition
for the Pirahna brothers
the end was inevidable.
€€**** The Ovine Aviation sketch ***
*
**** From the first Monty Python's Flying Circus episode ever!!! ****
**** Transcribed 4/12/86 by (guess who?)
****
**** Bret "Yup, again" Shefter ( SHE...@YALEVM.BITNET ) ****
**** Text first received
from Leon Marr, whose userid is so secret that **
**** even his mother knows it! ****
Ovine Aviation (A tourist approaches a shepherd. The sounds of sheep and
Tourist: Good afternoon.
Sheph
rd: Eh, 'tis that.
Tourist: You here on holiday?
Shephrd: Nope, I live 'ere.
Tourist: Oh, good for you. Uh...those ARE sheep ar
en't they?
Shephrd: Yeh.
Tourist: Hmm, thought they were. Only, what are they doing up in the trees?
Shephrd: A fair question, a
nd one that in recent weeks 'as been much on my
mind. It's my considered opinion that they're nestin'.
Tourist: Nestin
g?
Shephrd: Aye.
Tourist: Like birds?
Shephrd: Exactly. It's my belief that these sheep are laborin' under the
misappr
e'ension that they're birds. Observe their be'avior.
Take for a start the sheeps' tendency to 'op about the field on
their 'ind legs. Now witness their attempts to fly from tree to
tree. Notice that they do not so much fly as.
..plummet.
<Baaa baaa...flap flap flap...whoosh...Thud.>
Tourist: Yes, but why do they think they're birds?
Shephrd: An
other fair question. One thing is for sure, the sheep is not a
creature of the air. They have enormous difficulty in
the
comparatively simple act of perchin'.<Baaa baaa...flap flap
flap...whoosh...thud.> Trouble is, sheep are v
ery dim. Once
they get an idea in their 'eads, there's no shiftin' it.
Tourist: But where did they get the idea?
Sheph
rd: From Harold. He's that most dangerous of creatures, a clever
sheep. 'E's realized that a sheep's life consists of
standin'
around for a few months and then bein' eaten. And that's a
depressing prospect for an ambitious shee
p.
Tourist: Well why don't just remove Harold?
Shephrd: Because of the enormous commercial possibilities if 'e succeeds.
€€***
* The Spanish Inquisition Sketch ****
for Something ****
artington ****
dited by Malcolm Dickinson ( CLAR...@YALEVM.BITNET ) 9/18/87 ****
Graham Chapman: Trouble at mill.
Carol Cleveland: Oh no -
what kind of trouble?
Chapman: One on't cross beams gone owt askew on treddle.
Cleveland: Pardon?
Chapman: One on't cross b
eams gone owt askew on treddle.
Cleveland: I don't understand what you're saying.
Chapman: (slightly irritatedly and with exag
geratedly clear accent)
One of the cross beams has gone out askew on the treddle.
Cleveland: Well what on earth does
that mean?
Chapman: *I* don't know - Mr Wentworth just told me to come in here and
say that there was trouble at th
e mill, that's all - I didn't
expect a kind of Spanish Inquisition.
(JARRING CHORD)
(The door flies open and Cardina
l Ximinez of Spain (Palin) enters, flanked
ad. Cardinal Fang (Gilliam) is just Cardinal Fang)
Ximinez: NOBODY expects the Spanish Inquisition! Our chief weapon is
suprise...surprise and fear...fear and surprise.... Our two
weapons are fear and surprise...and ruthless efficienc
y.... Our
*three* weapons are fear, surprise, and ruthless efficiency...and
an almost fanatical devotion to t
he Pope.... Our *four*...no...
*Amongst* our weapons.... Amongst our weaponry...are such
elements as fear, s
urprise.... I'll come in again.
(Exit and exeunt)
Chapman: I didn't expect a kind of Spanish Inquisition.
(JARRING C
HORD)
(The cardinals burst in)
Ximinez: NOBODY expects the Spanish Inquisition! Amongst our weaponry are
such diverse
elements as: fear, surprise, ruthless efficiency,
an almost fanatical devotion to the Pope, and nice red uniforms -
Oh damn! (To Cardinal Biggles) I can't say it - you'll have to
say it.
Biggles: What?
Ximinez: You'll have to s
ay the bit about 'Our chief weapons are ...'
Biggles: (rather horrified): I couldn't do that...
(Ximinez bundles the cardinals o
utside again)
Chapman: I didn't expect a kind of Spanish Inquisition.
(JARRING CHORD)
(The cardinals enter) Üf Er.... Nobody...um....
Ximinez: Expects...
Biggles: Expects... Nobody expects the...um...the Spanish...um...
Ximinez: Inquisiti
on.
Biggles: I know, I know! Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition. In fact,
Ximinez: Our chie
f weapons are...
Biggles: Our chief weapons are...um...er...
Ximinez: Surprise...
Biggles: Surprise and --
Ximinez: Okay, stop.
Stop. Stop there - stop there. Stop. Phew! Ah!
...our chief weapons are surprise...blah blah blah. Cardinal,
read the charges.
Fang: You are hereby charged that you did on diverse dates commit heresy
ch. 'My old man said follow the--'
Biggles: That's enough. (To Cleveland) Now, how do you plead?
Cleveland: We're innocent.
X
iminez: Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!
(Superimposed caption: 'DIABOLICAL LAUGHTER')
Biggles: We'll soon change your mind about tha
t!
(Superimposed caption: 'DIABOLICAL ACTING')
Ximinez: Fear, surprise, and a most ruthless-- (controls himself with a
supreme effort) Ooooh! Now, Cardinal -- the rack!
(Biggles produces a plastic-coated dish-drying rack. Ximinez looks at it
Ximinez: You....Right! Tie her
down.
(Fang and Biggles make a pathetic attempt to tie her on to the drying rack)
Ximinez: Right! How do you plead?
Clevela
nd: Innocent.
Ximinez: Ha! Right! Cardinal, give the rack (oh dear) give the rack a
turn.
(Biggles stands their
awkwardly and shrugs his shoulders)
Biggles: I....
Ximinez: (gritting his teeth) I *know*, I know you can't. I didn't want
to say anything. I just wanted to try and ignore your crass
mistake.
Biggles: I...
Ximinez: It makes it all seem
so stupid.
Biggles: Shall I...?
Ximinez: No, just pretend for God's sake. Ha! Ha! Ha! Üf(Biggles turns an imaginary h
andle on the side of the dish-rack)
(Cut to them torturing a dear old lady, Marjorie Wilde).
Ximinez: Now, old woman -- you ar
e accused of heresy on three counts --
heresy by thought, heresy by word, heresy by deed, and heresy
by action
-- *four* counts. Do you confess?
Wilde: I don't understand what I'm accused of.
Ximinez: Ha! Then we'll make you understan
d! Biggles! Fetch...THE
CUSHIONS!
(JARRING CHORD)
(Biggles holds out two ordinary modern household cushions)
Biggle
s: Here they are, lord.
Ximinez: Now, old lady -- you have one last chance. Confess the heinous
sin of heresy, reject
the works of the ungodly -- *two* last
chances. And you shall be free -- *three* last chances. You
have thre
e last chances, the nature of which I have divulged in
my previous utterance.
Wilde: I don't know what you're talking
about.
Ximinez: Right! If that's the way you want it -- Cardinal! Poke her with
the soft cushions!
(Biggles carries
out this rather pathetic torture)
Ximinez: Confess! Confess! Confess!
Biggles: It doesn't seem to be hurting her, lord.
Ximine
z: Have you got all the stuffing up one end?
Biggles: Yes, lord.
Ximinez (angrily hurling away the cushions): Hm! She is made
of harder
stuff! Cardinal Fang! Fetch...THE COMFY CHAIR!
(JARRING CHORD)
(Zoom into Fang's horrified face)
Fang (t
errified): The...Comfy Chair?
(Biggles pushes in a comfy chair -- a really plush one)
Ximinez: So you think you are strong bec
ause you can survive the soft
cushions. Well, we shall see. Biggles! Put her in the Comfy
Chair!
(They rou
ghly push her into the Comfy Chair)
Ximinez (with a cruel leer): Now -- you will stay in the Comfy Chair until
lunch time, with only a cup of coffee at
eleven.
(aside,
to Biggles) Is that really all it is?
ÜfXiminez: I see. I suppose we make it worse by shouting a lo
t, do we?
Confess, woman. Confess! Confess! Confess! Confess!
Biggles: I confess!
Ximinez: Not you!
**** end of fi
le SPANISH PYTHON 9/18/87 ****
€€**** The Spam Sketch ****
**** From the sec
ond series of "Monty Python's Flying Circus" ****
**** Transcribed 9/17/87 from "Monty Python's Previous Record" by *
***
**** Jonathan Partington ( JR...@PHX.CAM.AC.UK ) ****
(Spam = Spiced Pork And Ham, a sort of cheap lun
cheon meat)
Scene: A cafe. One table is occupied by a group of Vikings with horned
helmets on. A man and his wife ent
er.
Man (Eric Idle): You sit here, dear.
Wife (Graham Chapman in drag): All right.
Man (to Waitress): Morning!
Waitress (Terry J
ones, in drag as a bit of a rat-bag): Morning!
Man: Well, what've you got?
Waitress: Well, there's egg and bacon; egg sausa
ge and bacon; egg and spam;
egg bacon and spam; egg bacon sausage and spam; spam bacon
sausage and spam; spa
m egg spam spam bacon and spam; spam
sausage spam spam bacon spam tomato and spam;
Vikings (starting to chant): Spam
spam spam spam...
Waitress: ...spam spam spam egg and spam; spam spam spam spam spam spam
baked beans spam spam spam..
.
Vikings (singing): Spam! Lovely spam! Lovely spam!
Waitress: ...or Lobster Thermidor a Crevette with a mornay sauce served
in a Provencale manner with shallots and aubergines garnished
with truffle pate, brandy and with a fried eg
g on top and spam.
Waitress: Well, there's spam egg sausage and spam, that's not g
ot much spam
in it.
Wife: I don't want ANY spam!
Man: Why can't she have egg bacon spam and sausage?
Wife:
THAT'S got spam in it!
Man: Hasn't got as much spam in it as spam egg sausage and spam, has
it?
Vikings: Spam
spam spam spam (crescendo through next few lines)
Wife: Could you do the egg bacon spam and sausage without the spam
then?
Waitress: Urgghh!
Wife: What do you mean 'Urgghh'? I don't like spam!
Vikings: Lovely spam! Wonderful spam!)
Waitr
ess: Shut up!
Vikings: Lovely spam! Wonderful spam!
Waitress: Shut up! (Vikings stop) Bloody Vikings! You can't have egg bacon
spam and sausage without the spam.
Wife (shrieks): I don't like spam!
Man: Sshh, dear, don't cause a fuss. I'll
have your spam. I love it.
I'm having spam spam spam spam spam spam spam beaked beans spam
spam spam and spa
m!
Vikings (singing): Spam spam spam spam. Lovely spam! Wonderful spam!
Man: We
ll could I have her spam instead of the baked beans then?
e and
the Vikings drown her words)
Vikings (singing elaborately): Spam spam spam spam. Lovely spam! Üf Wonderful spam! Spam spa-a-a-a-a-am spam spa-a-a-a-a-am spam.
Lovely spam! Lovely spam! Lovely spam! Lovely sp
am! Lovely
spam! Spam spam spam spam!
**** end of file SPAM PYTHON 9/18/87 ****
€€**** The Package Tour Compl
aint: TOUR PYTHON ****
Transcribed 3/28/88 by Jonathan Mestel ( AJ...@PHX.CAM.AC.UK ) ****
ok" ****
What's the point of going abroad if you're just another tourist carted
aty mindless oafs from Kettering and
ay Mirrors, complaining about the tea - "Oh they don't make it
can bodegas
g Timothy White's suncream all over
erded into endless Hotel Miramars and Bellvueses and
Red Barrel and swimming pools full of fat German businessmen pretending
ildren and barging
oup, the first item on the menu of
aturing a tiny emaciated dago with nine-inch hips and
ting Flamenco for Foreigners. And adenoidal typists from Birmingham
y bandy-legged
lted ice cream and bleeding Watney's
atmosphere and you sit next to a party from Rhyl who keep
singing "Torremolinos, torremolinos" and complaining about the food -
"It's
oll sandals and last
on and on about how Mr. Smith should
many languages Enoch Powell can speak and
on't realise they haven't even visited to "All at number 22,
y but
and onion crisps and the
airport on a five-day package tour with nothing
Red Barrel because you're still in England and the bloody
bar
the kids
gh your plane is still in
orning and you sit on the tarmac till six because
l in Paris - and nobody can go to the lavatory until you take off at
g "enterovioform"
ruin called the Hotel del Sol by paying half your holiday money to
pool, there's
ooms are double booked and you
otel next door - and you're plagues by appalling
kbrokers' wives busily buying identical holiday villas in suburban
ent gets in
ho can keep it up long enough when
cholera epidemic is merely a case of mild Spanish tummy,
London
nd shooting anyone under
And then on the last day in the airport
sunburns, drinking Nasty Spumante, buying
panish National costume and awful straw donkeys and bullfight
Norwich"
r you never will although there you
**** end of f
ile TOUR PYTHON 3/28/88 ****
€€**** The Woody Sketch ****
**** From Monty Py
thon's Flying Circus ****
**** Transcribed 1/1/88 by Jonathan Partington ( JR...@PHX.CAM.AC.UK )**
**
**** continued from BANTER PYTHON ****
Scene: a 1920s-style drawing room
Chapman: I sa
y!
Cleveland: Yes, Daddy?
Chapman: Croquet hoops look dam' pretty this afternoon.
Cleveland: Frightfully damn pretty.Idle (as
her mother): They're coming
along *awfully* well this year.
Chapman: Yes, better than your Aunt Lavinia's croquet
hoops.
Cleveland: Ugh! Dreadful tin things.
Idle: I did tell her to stick to wood.
Chapman: Yes, you can't beat wood. Go
rn.
Idle: What's gone, dear?
Chapman: Nothing, nothing -- just like the word, it gives me confidence.
Gorn. G
orn -- it's got a sort of *woody* quality about it.
Gorn. Go-o-orn. Much better than 'newspaper' or 'litter bin'.
Cl
eveland: Ugh! Frightful words!
Idle: Perfectly dreadful!
Chapman: 'Newspaper' -- 'litter bin' -- 'litter bin' -- dreadful
*tinny*
sort of word.
(Cleveland screams)
Chapman: Tin, tin, tin.
Idle: Oh, don't say 'tin' to Rebecca, you k
now how it upsets her.
Chapman: Sorry, old horse.
Idle: 'Sausage.'
Chapman: 'Sausage'! There's a good woody sort of wor
d, 'sausage'. 'Gorn.'
Cleveland: 'Antelope!'
Chapman: Where? On the lawn?
Cleveland: No, no, Daddy. Just the word.
Chapman:
Don't want antelope nibbling the hoops.
Cleveland: No, no -- 'ant-e-lope'. Sort of nice and woody type of thing.
Idle: Don
't think so, Becky old chap.Chapman: No, no -- 'antelope'
- 'antelope', *tinny* sort of word.
(Cleveland screams)
C
hapman: Oh, sorry old man.
Idle: Really, Mansfield.
Chapman: Well, she's got to come to terms with these things. 'Seeml
y.'
'Prodding.' 'Vac-u-um.' 'Leap.'Cleveland: Oh -- hate 'leap'.
Idle: Perfectly dreadful.
Cleveland: Sort of PV
C sort of word, don't you know.
Idle: Lower middle.
Chapman: 'Bound!'
Idle: Now you're talking!
Chapman: 'Bound.'
'Vole!' 'Recidivist!'
Idle: Bit *tinny*...
(Cleveland screams and rushes out sobbing)
Idle: Oh, sorry, Becky old beast.
Chapman: Oh dear, I suppose she'll be gorn for a few days now.
Idle: Caribou.ÜfIdle: No, d
ear, nibbling the hoops.
(Chapman fires a shotgun)
Chapman (with satisfaction): Caribou -- gorn... 'Intercourse.'
Idle: Late
r, dear.
Chapman: No, no -- the word, 'intercourse'. Good and woody.
'Inter-course.' 'Pert,' 'pert,' 'thighs,' 'botty,
' 'botty,'
'botty' (getting excited), 'erogenous zo-o-one'. Ha ha ha ha
-- oh, 'concubine', 'erogenous zo-o-o
ne', 'loose woman',
'erogenous zone'...
(Idle calmly empties a bucket of water over Chapman)
Chapman: Oh, thank you, de
ar. There's a funny thing, dear -- all the
naughty words sound woody.
Idle: Really, dear -- how about 'tit'?
Chapma
n: Oh dear, I hadn't thought about that. 'Tit.' 'Tit.' Oh, that's
very tinny, isn't it? 'Tit.' 'Tit.' Tinny, tinny.
(
Cleveland, who has just come in, screams and rushes out again)
Chapman: Oh dear. 'Ocelot.' 'Was-p.' 'Yowling.' Oh dear, I'm bor
ed.
Better go and have a bath, I suppose.
Idle: Oh really, must you, dear -- you've had nine today.
Chapman: All rig
ht -- I'll sack one of the servants. Simpkins! Nasty
tinny sort of name. SIMPKINS!
(Enter Palin, in RAF uniform)
Pal
in: I say, mater, cabbage crates coming over the briny.
Idle: Sorry dear, don't understand.
Palin: Er -- cow-catchers creeping
up on the conning towers?
Idle: No, sorry old sport.
Palin: Um -- caribou nibbling at the croquet hoops.
Idle: Yes, Mansfield
shot one in the antlers.
**** end of file WOOD PYTHON 1/20/88 ****