Asking Guests Not to Bring Food
Anny Middon
answer I thought I'd ask it here:
Dear Miss Manners,
How does one politely get guests to not bring food to a party?
My husband and I give a Super Bowl Party every year which is attended by
perhaps thirty people. We provide plenty of food, including an array of cold
and hot appetizers, a buffet dinner, and desserts. I am generally
acknowledged to be a good cook.
But many (even most) guests insist on bringing food, even though I've asked
them not to. It started with a couple of people bringing an appetizer or
dessert, and then others saw them and felt bad that they hadn't brought
something and so brought something the next year, and it just mushroomed.
When I'm asked what food a guest should bring, I always say to please not
bring any food, but then I'm told that since others will bring food, of
course this guest wants to too.
Several years ago I included a statement on the invitations that read,
"Please do not bring food to the party. We are happy to provide plenty of
snacks and a buffet dinner." I knew etiquette said I shouldn't make the
statement but I didn't know what else to do. This mostly worked, except for
a couple of people who ignored my request, stating that they *had* to bring
something, that was how they were raised -- they couldn't come to a party
empty-handed. Then of course others saw that some had brought food and
brought food themselves the next year and back it grew.
I have heard that the proper way to handle this is to take the plate of
food, thank the giver, and then simply not serve it at the party. This has
proved impossible to do -- by the nature of the party everyone pretty much
arrives at the same time and while my husband and I are busy greeting new
arrivals and taking their coats and getting them drinks, some earlier
arrivals are digging the food they brought out of their carryalls and
helpfully placing it on the buffet table. It hardly seems polite to remove
food from the buffet table after it's been put there and some guests have
helped themselves to it, and I don't feel I can allow the food from some
guests to be served and not that brought by others.
My husband says I should go with the flow and just plan that guests will
bring food. I really don't want to do this -- planning and preparing the
menu for the party is something I enjoy very much.
Do I need to gracefully accept the food brought by others and just put up
with it or is there something I can do to put an end to this? I know this
makes me seem really ungrateful, but I do resent that I'm not allowed to
plan and execute the party the way I'd like it to be.
-------
As many of you no doubt know, the Super Bowl was yesterday. I went ahead
and put the note about not bringing food on the invitation. Three people
brought food anyway, which they did not give to me but uncovered and placed
on the dining room table.
Other than not inviting these people next year, is there anything I can
politely do?
Anny
Jennifer
Anny Middon wrote:
> Dear Miss Manners,
>
> How does one politely get guests to not bring food to a party?
> <snip details>
> Other than not inviting these people next year, is there anything I can
> politely do?
Oh, that drives me crazy, too. I was actually raised in a family where
everyone always brings food wherever one is invited. Then I grew up
and learned that it was tacky to do so unless the event was a pot luck.
Now I bring wine or self-contained flowers that do not require that
the host find a vase... usually wine unless I know that the hosts don't
drink. I know that people can also run out of room for or be allergic
to flowers, theoretically, but I've never actually encountered that
suituation, so I'll count myself lucky so far.
I believe the correct answer is that you have already handled this as
graciously as you possibly can and your guests are not getting the
hint, so you're supposed to grin and bear it or not invite them.
However, I would talk to known offenders individually before the party
and specifically ask them not to bring anything because you already
have the menu planned. If they continue to protest, ask them to bring
beverages or ice... wine, beer, soda, whatever. At least that won't
ruin your menu or take up room on already-laden tables.
But you know they'll show up with beer, ice, AND a dish... there's only
so much you can do.
Better too generous than too stingy? Or something? :/
Well written, by the way.
--
Jennifer
N Jill Marsh
<AnnyM...@hotNOSPAMmail.com>wrote:
>As many of you no doubt know, the Super Bowl was yesterday. I went ahead
>and put the note about not bringing food on the invitation. Three people
>brought food anyway, which they did not give to me but uncovered and placed
>on the dining room table.
>
>Other than not inviting these people next year, is there anything I can
>politely do?
Get a pair of sharp, high quality scissors and snip their heads off.
Other than my standard advice, I wonder if a slight change to the
wording of your invitiation might help. Scratch "buffet" and just
state that dinner will be served. Heck, it's a Superbowl party,
people are not going to assume that they are going to be sitting down
to a formal meal, and I wonder if there is a problem with some people
reading buffett=potluck, or at least assuming that because it's a
buffet their insistence on bringing unasked for food will be tolerated
and possibly even appreciated.
You could also engage the assistance of a friend/relative to run
kitchen/door interference with your husband, so that you have two
greeters as before but it would allow you to be able to take
food/gifts and deal with them as needed.
I don't think you should just give up on it unless you decide to just
go ahead and pot luck. You like to put on the food, most of your
guests respect that, and I think you have been as verbally/written as
firm as you can be without becoming kind of strident. The best you
can do at this point is to be very clear on the invitation and arrange
things so that the food doesn't end up where it shouldn't be.
I'd go with the scissors, though.
nj"will graciously let Anny feed me anytime"m
--
"I'm trying to enjoy my reading; you insist upon adding context."
Ericka Kammerer
> As many of you no doubt know, the Super Bowl was yesterday. I went ahead
> and put the note about not bringing food on the invitation. Three people
> brought food anyway, which they did not give to me but uncovered and placed
> on the dining room table.
>
> Other than not inviting these people next year, is there anything I can
> politely do?
You could just give in. Sometimes surrender is
worth it. If you wanted to make a statement, though,
you could not do the party next year. When everyone
asks why, you could just say that you were so disappointed
feeling like too few liked your food enough to feel
comfortable coming without backup food, so you
decided it would be best to take a break from hosting
the party.
Alternately, you could do the party, but not
issue invitations in advance. Make the thing more
low key and just call folks at the last minute as
it if was a spur of the moment thing so that they
don't have time to prepare anything.
Best wishes,
Ericka
Briar Rose
>Anny Middon wrote:
>> Dear Miss Manners,
>> How does one politely get guests to not bring food to a party?
>> <snip details>
>> Other than not inviting these people next year, is there anything I can
>> politely do?
>Oh, that drives me crazy, too.
Me, too. One time I threw a cocktail party. Made it clear
it was a cocktail party, that there would be fiddly appetizers,
and so forth.
One guy showed up with a CROCKPOT OF CLAM CHOWDER.
Leaving aside that I absolutely loathe clam chowder,
how is one at all supposed to graciously integrate
that into the theme of the evening?
I put it in the kitchen, and didn't leave any bowls
near it. The bringer "helpfully" offered to move it
out to the drinks table. I said "no, I don't have
any extension cords handy for it, sorry, or bowls."
My best friend stood across the room and laughed her
head off at me. :)
> However, I would talk to known offenders individually before the party
> and specifically ask them not to bring anything because you already
> have the menu planned. If they continue to protest, ask them to bring
> beverages or ice... wine, beer, soda, whatever. At least that won't
> ruin your menu or take up room on already-laden tables.
This is how I solve the problem. Luckily, my friends
have all figured out "Hey, CL puts on a good spread"
so I mostly only have to worry about donation beverages,
which I usually just squirrel away or put out as appropriate.
As for family, who are much harder to get through to on
the whole "NO DO NOT BRING FOOD" aspect, it appears that
the Thanksgiving Where Everyone Brought Pie cured most
folks from that habit...
:) Connie-Lynne
--
"If _I_ was re-writing the constitution, I'd make a rule that
there could be no dumbass laws... 'I'm sorry, but your
proposed referendum is butt-stupid.'"
---Adam Villani
mand_...@email.com
> food, thank the giver, and then simply not serve it at the party. This has
> proved impossible to do -- by the nature of the party everyone pretty much
> arrives at the same time and while my husband and I are busy greeting new
> arrivals and taking their coats and getting them drinks, some earlier
> arrivals are digging the food they brought out of their carryalls and
> helpfully placing it on the buffet table. It hardly seems polite to remove
> food from the buffet table after it's been put there and some guests have
> helped themselves to it, and I don't feel I can allow the food from some
> guests to be served and not that brought by others.
If you want to go to some extra effort to avoid the guests' food being
served, you could not lay out the buffet until after all the guests
have arrived. That would mean you're fiddling around with dishes
instead of socializing with your guests, but it would also mean that
when your guests arrive you could put their food away in the kitchen,
then lay out whatever you want on the buffet. However, I doubt this
would have any sort of long-term disuasive effect. I suppose another
option would be to set up a really really crowded buffet table with no
room for even one more dish, but I don't know how functional that would
be.
As for dissuasion, one thing that might work (depending on your social
circle) is to simply slip it into conversation that you find it's a
hassle when guests bring food, any time you can bring up the subject
without making it sound like a critique of them personally. Something
like (off the top of my head) "My sister keeps pestering me to bring my
lemon squares to this party we're going to, but I just hate
inconveniencing the host like that after she's gone to all the trouble
to plan a meal!" Or, if you have an advice-asking relationship with an
offender or someone close to them, ask them for advice on how to
prevent it for some other party that they wouldn't be involved in, like
a family reunion or a work do. Make like you're asking them because
they give such insightful advice, not because they always bring
unwanted food.
bab...@aol.com
I confess I used to be guilty of this in one circumstance. A co-workers
wife sometimes entertained and would always request that no one bring
food, but she was perhaps the worst cook in the world and I always
"played dumb" and bought something just so I wouldn't go hungry.
She didn't like me anyway but I always ended up feeling kind of bad
because everyone would single out my contribution for compliments.
I have been tempted on other occasions when the host was being health
or calorie conscious and I wanted more substantial food. So if you are
serving veggies with lo-cal dip and hummus on pita at your Superbowl
party and the guests are bringing wings and pizza, maybe you should
look at your menus.
But assuming you are a good cook and the guests like your food, here is
a suggestion. When they ask if they can bring anything, say "you don't
have to, but if you must please bring" -- 2 cases of Sam Adams Light
Winter beer" or 4 bottles of a nice dry white wine with a floral
bouquet or 2 cases of diet cherry-vanilla Coke. Make it a request to
bring a beverage in a specified quantity, make it specific and if you
really don't even want them to bring drinks make it not cheap or easy
to find.
Hopefully they will decide to bring nothing, but this way they won't
dare show up with food unless they bring the requested items, and
hopefully the requested items are expensive and/or shopping intensive
enough that they won't be inclined to bring more.
And beverages do make a good contribution for guests, they keep a long
time so they don't go to waste if there is too much and they don't
interfere too much with the menus.
Or when they ask if they can bring anything, say ...."we may have some
vegetarians attending, so you could whip up some sort of vegan
gluten-free appetizer if you really feel like making something, but
make sure it is peanut free because we have guests that are allergic."
This should nip their desire to bring stuff right in the bud.
Manipulative, yes and maybe a bit unmannerly as a tactic, but it works.
Barbara
ZedBanty
bab...@aol.com says...
>
>>How does one politely get guests to not >bring food to a party?
>
>I confess I used to be guilty of this in one circumstance. A co-workers
>wife sometimes entertained and would always request that no one bring
>food, but she was perhaps the worst cook in the world and I always
>"played dumb" and bought something just so I wouldn't go hungry.
Goodness. You really had *no* opportunity to eat something beforehand? Or,
your tastes are indeed so narrow that you couldnt' alternatively or perhaps in
addition partake enough to stave off hunger? There *are* other alternatives to
"playing dumb".
>
>She didn't like me anyway but I always ended up feeling kind of bad
>because everyone would single out my contribution for compliments.
>
>I have been tempted on other occasions when the host was being health
>or calorie conscious and I wanted more substantial food. So if you are
>serving veggies with lo-cal dip and hummus on pita at your Superbowl
>party and the guests are bringing wings and pizza, maybe you should
>look at your menus.
Or perhaps the *point* of the gathering is to enjoy the event and each others'
company. If you truly cannot stand hummus, just push it around on your plate.
If you're very concerned that nothing will do but what you have in mind, stock
up on your particular subset of food desires and have some before you leave for
the party.
If it's the free food you have come for, perhaps you should look up your local
soup kitchen.
Although - concerning the food that guests *do* bring, wouldn't the same rules
apply as for gifts? Which would be, if this party isn't a gift-centered event
like a baby shower, the host should gratefully accept the gift and then put it
away to be indulged in later so that no guest feels bad about not having brought
something themselves. But then, for you, that wouldn't serve as your
brought-to-order menu...
Cheers,
ZedBanty
Anny Middon
news:1139266205....@g47g2000cwa.googlegroups.com...
>
> Anny Middon wrote:
>
>> Dear Miss Manners,
>>
>> How does one politely get guests to not bring food to a party?
>> <snip details>
>> Other than not inviting these people next year, is there anything I can
>> politely do?
>
> Oh, that drives me crazy, too. I was actually raised in a family where
> everyone always brings food wherever one is invited. Then I grew up
> and learned that it was tacky to do so unless the event was a pot luck.
> Now I bring wine or self-contained flowers that do not require that
> the host find a vase... usually wine unless I know that the hosts don't
> drink. I know that people can also run out of room for or be allergic
> to flowers, theoretically, but I've never actually encountered that
> suituation, so I'll count myself lucky so far.
I'm so glad to have you agree with me on this. I've been told that I'm
wrong for considering this to be a big deal.
>
> I believe the correct answer is that you have already handled this as
> graciously as you possibly can and your guests are not getting the
> hint, so you're supposed to grin and bear it or not invite them.
I'm afraid you're right with that. I think that next year I'll include a
light, humorous list of what to bring to the party, with entries like "team
spirit (if you have any)" and "sense of humor (for the commercials)". And
then a one-item list of What Not to Bring to the Party. I'm thinking of
saying outright that any food brought by guests will not be served.
OK, I know this isn't very gracious. But if I feel if I'm not firm on this
the situation will degenerate to what it was last year, where almost
everyone brought food even though I told them orally not to. And if
everyone brings food when I've asked them in writing not to, I'll have no
recourse but to grin and bear it or stop having the party.
>
> However, I would talk to known offenders individually before the party
> and specifically ask them not to bring anything because you already
> have the menu planned. If they continue to protest, ask them to bring
> beverages or ice... wine, beer, soda, whatever. At least that won't
> ruin your menu or take up room on already-laden tables.
>
> But you know they'll show up with beer, ice, AND a dish... there's only
> so much you can do.
>
> Better too generous than too stingy? Or something? :/
I guess. And maybe it's because I'm still irritated about how they brought
food after I asked them not to, but I'm wondering if bringing food is
actually intended to be a generous gesture.
>
> Well written, by the way.
Thanks.
Anny
Anny Middon
news:dsedpk$3f8$1...@naig.caltech.edu...
> Jennifer <msj...@gmail.com> wrote:
>>Anny Middon wrote:
>>> Dear Miss Manners,
>>> How does one politely get guests to not bring food to a party?
>>> <snip details>
>>> Other than not inviting these people next year, is there anything I can
>>> politely do?
>>Oh, that drives me crazy, too.
>
> Me, too. One time I threw a cocktail party. Made it clear
> it was a cocktail party, that there would be fiddly appetizers,
> and so forth.
>
> One guy showed up with a CROCKPOT OF CLAM CHOWDER.
>
> Leaving aside that I absolutely loathe clam chowder,
> how is one at all supposed to graciously integrate
> that into the theme of the evening?
>
> I put it in the kitchen, and didn't leave any bowls
> near it. The bringer "helpfully" offered to move it
> out to the drinks table. I said "no, I don't have
> any extension cords handy for it, sorry, or bowls."
>
> My best friend stood across the room and laughed her
> head off at me. :)
I think you handled it beautifully. I can't imagine how he thought bringing
a crockpot of soup was the thing to do.
>
>> However, I would talk to known offenders individually before the party
>> and specifically ask them not to bring anything because you already
>> have the menu planned. If they continue to protest, ask them to bring
>> beverages or ice... wine, beer, soda, whatever. At least that won't
>> ruin your menu or take up room on already-laden tables.
>
> This is how I solve the problem. Luckily, my friends
> have all figured out "Hey, CL puts on a good spread"
> so I mostly only have to worry about donation beverages,
> which I usually just squirrel away or put out as appropriate.
Plenty of people bring beverages and this doesn't bother me. Next year I'll
make a point of asking all known offenders to please not bring anything.
> As for family, who are much harder to get through to on
> the whole "NO DO NOT BRING FOOD" aspect, it appears that
> the Thanksgiving Where Everyone Brought Pie cured most
> folks from that habit...
I have found that in family gatherings where bringing food is the thing to
do, people are assigned dishes to bring. For instance, I was asked to bring
appetizers last Christmas. Since I'll host it next year, I'll assign
courses to guests. I'd prefer to do it myself, but these are in-laws, and
sometimes it's wisest not to rock the boat with in-law family traditions.
When my brother's family comes to our house a few days after Christmas, I
ask them not to bring food and they happily comply.
Anny
Anny Middon
news:3dlfu1dgk36kqnvdt...@4ax.com...
> On Mon, 06 Feb 2006 22:10:28 GMT, "Anny Middon"
> <AnnyM...@hotNOSPAMmail.com>wrote:
>
>>As many of you no doubt know, the Super Bowl was yesterday. I went ahead
>>and put the note about not bringing food on the invitation. Three people
>>brought food anyway, which they did not give to me but uncovered and
>>placed
>>on the dining room table.
>>
>>Other than not inviting these people next year, is there anything I can
>>politely do?
>
> Get a pair of sharp, high quality scissors and snip their heads off.
>
> Other than my standard advice, I wonder if a slight change to the
> wording of your invitiation might help. Scratch "buffet" and just
> state that dinner will be served. Heck, it's a Superbowl party,
> people are not going to assume that they are going to be sitting down
> to a formal meal, and I wonder if there is a problem with some people
> reading buffett=potluck, or at least assuming that because it's a
> buffet their insistence on bringing unasked for food will be tolerated
> and possibly even appreciated.
Excellent idea. It hadn't occurred to me that people reading buffet means
potluck. I'll leave that wording off future invitations.
>
> You could also engage the assistance of a friend/relative to run
> kitchen/door interference with your husband, so that you have two
> greeters as before but it would allow you to be able to take
> food/gifts and deal with them as needed.
I wish my brother still lived close, because my sister-in-law would be
perfect at this. She's the sort of woman who would look at a covered plate
and bark out, "That's not food to be served at the party, is it?"
>
> I don't think you should just give up on it unless you decide to just
> go ahead and pot luck. You like to put on the food, most of your
> guests respect that, and I think you have been as verbally/written as
> firm as you can be without becoming kind of strident. The best you
> can do at this point is to be very clear on the invitation and arrange
> things so that the food doesn't end up where it shouldn't be.
>
> I'd go with the scissors, though.
Gee, Jill, will you be available to come to the party next year? I'd like
to put you at the door with my husband to greet people and help waylay the
food contributions.
Anny
> nj"will graciously let Anny feed me anytime"m
Seriously -- come to Chicago next February 4 and join the party. People
seem to have a good time, and since so many come every year to a party we've
held for more than 20 years, I'd say it probably is a good time.
Anny Middon
news:aZ-dnYuBaoQ...@comcast.com...
> Anny Middon wrote:
>
>> As many of you no doubt know, the Super Bowl was yesterday. I went ahead
>> and put the note about not bringing food on the invitation. Three people
>> brought food anyway, which they did not give to me but uncovered and
>> placed
>> on the dining room table.
>>
>> Other than not inviting these people next year, is there anything I can
>> politely do?
>
> You could just give in. Sometimes surrender is
> worth it. If you wanted to make a statement, though,
> you could not do the party next year. When everyone
> asks why, you could just say that you were so disappointed
> feeling like too few liked your food enough to feel
> comfortable coming without backup food, so you
> decided it would be best to take a break from hosting
> the party.
I've thought about not having the party, but my husband really enjoys it and
has said that he doesn't want to give up having it.
> Alternately, you could do the party, but not
> issue invitations in advance. Make the thing more
> low key and just call folks at the last minute as
> it if was a spur of the moment thing so that they
> don't have time to prepare anything.
I wonder if that would work. We've been holding this party for more than 20
years now, and people tell us during the year that they're looking forward
to next year's party. I've also been told semi-seriously that if we ever
decide not to have the party, we'd have to send out notices saying so,
otherwise people will just assume their invite got lost in the mail and show
up anyway.
In 2005 so many people brought food despite my asking them orally not to do
so, that I put the request in writing on the 2006 invitation. Some of the
people in 2005 brought food they didn't prepare -- bakery cookies, or
packaged chips and bottled salsa, and the like. I'm afraid making the party
more impromptu won't mean that folks don't bring food.
Anny
Anny Middon
news:1139462498.8...@g44g2000cwa.googlegroups.com...
Excellent suggestion. Thanks!
N Jill Marsh
<AnnyM...@hotNOSPAMmail.com>wrote:
>"N Jill Marsh" <njm...@storm.ca> wrote in message
>news:3dlfu1dgk36kqnvdt...@4ax.com...
>
>> I'd go with the scissors, though.
>
>Gee, Jill, will you be available to come to the party next year? I'd like
>to put you at the door with my husband to greet people and help waylay the
>food contributions.
>
>Anny
>
>> nj"will graciously let Anny feed me anytime"m
>
>Seriously -- come to Chicago next February 4 and join the party. People
>seem to have a good time, and since so many come every year to a party we've
>held for more than 20 years, I'd say it probably is a good time.
That's a lovely offer, and I am theoretically within driving distance
(a mere 12-14 hours); but I'd annoy everyone by saying things like
"How does the icing rule apply to this game, anyway?" "Why aren't
they using sticks?" and "Where's my scissors!?"
I might stop in some time on the way to St. Louis, though.
nj"one of these decades"m
--
Poco, a menudo.
Lesmond
>
>I guess. And maybe it's because I'm still irritated about how they brought
>food after I asked them not to, but I'm wondering if bringing food is
>actually intended to be a generous gesture.
Of course it is.
So, about the folks who brought the food...did your other guests eat it and
enjoy it?
--
I got a feeling something went wrong and now I own a blind camel.
JoAnne Schmitz
<AnnyM...@hotNOSPAMmail.com> wrote:
>"Briar Rose" <cly...@ugcs.caltech.edu> wrote in message
>news:dsedpk$3f8$1...@naig.caltech.edu...
>> Me, too. One time I threw a cocktail party. Made it clear
>> it was a cocktail party, that there would be fiddly appetizers,
>> and so forth.
>>
>> One guy showed up with a CROCKPOT OF CLAM CHOWDER.
>>
>> Leaving aside that I absolutely loathe clam chowder,
>> how is one at all supposed to graciously integrate
>> that into the theme of the evening?
>>
>> I put it in the kitchen, and didn't leave any bowls
>> near it. The bringer "helpfully" offered to move it
>> out to the drinks table. I said "no, I don't have
>> any extension cords handy for it, sorry, or bowls."
>>
>> My best friend stood across the room and laughed her
>> head off at me. :)
>
>I think you handled it beautifully. I can't imagine how he thought bringing
>a crockpot of soup was the thing to do.
Perhaps Briar should have served it in martini glasses.
-JoAnne
JBug
"Anny Middon" <AnnyM...@hotNOSPAMmail.com> wrote:
> I guess. And maybe it's because I'm still irritated about how they brought
> food after I asked them not to, but I'm wondering if bringing food is
> actually intended to be a generous gesture.
It is but there's something underhanded going on when you have
specifically told or requested people to not bring anything and they
disregard your request. They are not, I believe, being Good Guests and
I believe you have cause to be annoyed.
--
Cordially,
June
Anny Middon
news:News-7847F8.2...@individual.net...
Thanks, June. I'm quite frankly amazed at the number of people (I asked
this question on another newsgroup, too) who seem to think that I'm wrong in
being annoyed.
Anny
Ericka Kammerer
> Thanks, June. I'm quite frankly amazed at the number of people (I asked
> this question on another newsgroup, too) who seem to think that I'm wrong in
> being annoyed.
Actually, come to think of it, another tactic might
be to pull aside some well-connected folks who *didn't* bring
food (i.e., folks who are good friends with the folks who
*did* bring food) and say something like, "I'm really unsure
about having my annual party next year. I though I was doing
a good job with it, but there are so many people who insist
on bringing food even when I ask them not to. Is my food
really that bad that so many people feel like they have to
bring food? Plus, I just don't know what to do with it all.
Between feeling like my food isn't good enough and not knowing
how to plan the menu well, I'm getting so anxious about the
whole thing I just don't know if it's worth doing." Then,
maybe those folks will start spreading the word. It might
help.
Best wishes,
Ericka
ZedBanty
says...
Isn't food-bringing to be considered as any other kind of gift-bringing? The
discussion here seems to imply not, but, if not, what exactly distinguishes the
two situations?
I recall reading about the rules concerning guests and gifts, and feeling badly
about a couple of earlier occasions when I was miffed that I had been brought,
and left with, a cornucopia of unwanted food. One situation was similar; the
other had probably important distinguishing differences, but nonetheless I feel
better now, but slightly confused.
Cheers,
ZedBanty
Ericka Kammerer
> Isn't food-bringing to be considered as any other kind of gift-bringing? The
> discussion here seems to imply not, but, if not, what exactly distinguishes the
> two situations?
>
> I recall reading about the rules concerning guests and gifts, and feeling badly
> about a couple of earlier occasions when I was miffed that I had been brought,
> and left with, a cornucopia of unwanted food. One situation was similar; the
> other had probably important distinguishing differences, but nonetheless I feel
> better now, but slightly confused.
I think there *is* a difference. If, say, someone brings you
a bottle of wine, that can be a gift. You can put it away for later
or serve it now, at your pleasure. If someone brings a crockpot full
of soup or something like that, it's not a gift. It's not intended
just for you. You can't just put it away for later. You have to
reject it or somehow accommodate it in your menu, whether you like
it or not. People are not supposed to place that sort of burden
on the host. They can certainly ask the host if she wants them to
bring something, but when she says "No, thank you" they need to
take that answer at face value and not bring anything that isn't
a gift that can be put away for later if the hosts wish.
Best wishes,
Ericka
JBug
"Anny Middon" <AnnyM...@hotNOSPAMmail.com> wrote:
> "JBug" <Ne...@Eleven.com> wrote in message
> news:News-7847F8.2...@individual.net...
> > In article <PTrJf.57647$PL5....@newssvr11.news.prodigy.com>,
> > "Anny Middon" <AnnyM...@hotNOSPAMmail.com> wrote:
> >
> >> I guess. And maybe it's because I'm still irritated about how
> >> they brought food after I asked them not to, but I'm wondering if
> >> bringing food is actually intended to be a generous gesture.
> > It is but there's something underhanded going on when you have
> > specifically told or requested people to not bring anything and they
> > disregard your request. They are not, I believe, being Good Guests and
> > I believe you have cause to be annoyed.
> Thanks, June. I'm quite frankly amazed at the number of people (I asked
> this question on another newsgroup, too) who seem to think that I'm wrong in
> being annoyed.
>
> Anny
I have a suspicious nature.
--
Cordially,
June
Boron Elgar
I don't think anyone in the other groups in which I have seen this
discussion think you are out of line to be annoyed, that is your
prerogative - just out of line in thinking that your guests were very
deliberately insulting you by bringing food.
There is a lot that can go wrong when one entertains. Roll with it and
the party is more fun and you have great strobes to tell all over
Usenet later on.
Boron
Lesmond
Strobes!?! Your parties are way better than mine, Boron.
Boron Elgar
wrote:
>>There is a lot that can go wrong when one entertains. Roll with it and
>>the party is more fun and you have great strobes to tell all over
>>Usenet later on.
>
>Strobes!?! Your parties are way better than mine, Boron.
You know me and my speelchukker.
In the Days of Yore, I used to date a guy who put on light shows at
parties. He lit up more than one of mine, but of course, my
invitations never said anything like "No light shows, please. " so it
was cool.
Boron
Briar Rose
> If someone brings a crockpot full
> of soup or something like that, it's not a gift. It's not intended
> just for you. You can't just put it away for later. You have to
> reject it or somehow accommodate it in your menu, whether you like
> it or not.
OMG, can you imagine the reaction if, say, someone did
that and you poured it all into a tupperware and put
it in the fridge, all the while graciously thanking them
for their gift?