Shaking Hands
psych...@my-deja.com
me. Doesn't Mike shake hands with one of the reporters he talks to?
Maybe he was just younger then and didn't realize the dangers of hand
to hand contact... But seriously... that is a rather funny thing to see
on tape after hearing about how he feels about someone grabbing onto
one of his body parts and shaking it. But I digress...
Peace love and Doughnuts
Cynthia
http://homepages.msn.com'TwentiesCir/psychoktty/index.html
doesn't have a thing to do with the Wizard or anything else, I just
made it and I like to show it off, seeing as how Im a tad
computer illiterate
Sent via Deja.com http://www.deja.com/
Before you buy.
suz
Yup, I'll back her on that one, I SEEN it. But Mike's shorts comp was made
ages ago (MMMCCCVVVII, or thereabouts), long before he wised up about
germs, which seems to have happened in the '90's. True to my being the
lone member of the above Department, here's another transcript in Mike's
own words from his infamous NetWit files, which were once housed on the
Subgenius site. <http://www.subgenius.com/index.html> I shoulda been a
librarian.
And speaking of disgressing... ;)
----
Newsgroup: alt.fan.mike-jittlov
Subject: Mister Wizard affronts Miss Manners
From: Mike Jittlov (who else?)
Date: July, 1994
Keywords: Jittlov, Wizard, touchy touchy touchy
Summary: Touche' ^/
mpsa...@jove.acs.unt.edu (Matthew Peter Sayler) politely asks:
>is there an explanation as to why Mike will not shake anyone's hand?
>Is it merely a feature of the movie, or is this his policy?
w...@rastaban.usc.edu (Win Bent) taunts a response, with an article
from another Internet newsgroup:
>DEAR MISS MANNERS -- At a gathering I hosted, my friend Susan
>reached out her hand and said, "Hello, my name is Susan," to another
>guest, who pulled back her own hand as she said, "Hi, I'm Kathy."
>After a moment of silence, Kathy bluntly said that she did not shake
>hands, because she did not want to pick up any germs. My friend was
>embarrassed, and I was aghast. To make matters worse, at this same
>gathering, Kathy hugged many people she knew.
[The Wizard pauses in his extremely important
and vital work which could well Save the World,
to answer this question before it mutates into
yet another bizarre and unmanageable rumor...]
My reading of this article is that "Susan" was too dense to realize
the problem was actually with _her_ -- that Kathy _almost_ shook hands
before drawing back, and then didn't mind touching other people with
whom she felt more comfortable -- and that Susan's horribly festering
illness was now invading her brain, causing it to compensate by
badly swelling her already fragile ego.
As for my personal avoidance of this disturbingly-beloved Western
custom -- that full explanation would fill a chapter in my memoirs
(wherein I may finally see income from these hard-won discoveries).
Enough to state, that if people take offense at a gracious but firm
reluctance to engage in their misguided, thoughtless rituals, well...
Shucky darns. I am Famous, I don't need their ear-bending, drunken,
touchy-feely networking parties. I have 1,247 email messages to
answer, and I have MY OWN INTERNET FAN GROUP. So there ;p
Further, ever since I was ~throwing-up-sick~ for three days after
the first-meeting-handshake with my ex-business partner (who also
acted as the slimy, embezzling, sociopathic producer in my movie),
I've avoided the ritual whenever possible. IMO, most people just
do it because everyone else does it, and are too embarrassed or
insecure to decline. Or they are trying to score Points.
Miss Manners seriously recommends saying:
>"Oh dear, I'm afraid I can't shake your hand, please forgive me."
(WOW, didn't know you can get the same ~queasiness~ from ONE SENTENCE!)
True, MM's response is quite polite & PC -- but even _more_ effective
if you cover your mouth with a handkerchief, sprinkle water at the
person's feet and throw salt over his/her shoulder, then quickly back
away while staring and repeatedly crossing yourself. Try it and see.
Miss Manners continues:
>you might just murmur, "It's a question of germs," leaving it
>unclear as to whether you are protecting her or quarantining her.
(Oh terrific -- spread that paranoia!) Begging to differ, such a
response may be considered too alarming and inadequate for the
timidly enquiring. People who have heard my sagacious rants at
media conventions know I answer all questions completely, so that
they need never be posed again. For "handshaking", I prefer to use
the following prepared statement (which can be printed out and
presented to the Eager Glad-Hander, assuming the person can read):
~ ~ ~ ~
"Thanks, but I don't shake hands, ever since I paid $75 to have six
warts burned off after the last time I performed this weird post-pagan
ritual. Well, actually, this right hand had the handshaking warts,
here around the thumb, and the left hand got the row across the palm
from rental car steering wheels -- it's pretty common, really. Would
you block that light? Hold it -- there, look at your hand! See all
those translucent spots? You have little warts all over your hands,
those are about six months old, and sometimes transfer to other skin,
like on your face -- there and there... Fairly benign, it's just a
nuisance when they grow deep roots and you have to use the chemicals
and then pull them out."
"But those are just the wart viruses -- nothing compared to all the
ones for colds and flu, or the possible viral triggers for some forms
of diabetes and arthritis and who knows what else. Like maybe that
skin-eating staph disease that just hit Santa Barbera, California!
Wasn't that a surprise -- all the West Coasters always think they're
sterile gods! The Truth is, we're all living beings, and each of us
is walking host to a thousand different lifeforms, like those tiny
microscopic worms in your eyelash hairs -- NO, don't touch, you'll
squish them and the segments will just grow new bodies."
"But what's _really_ interesting is where handshaking got started!
Everybody thinks it means `I don't have weapons'. No, no, the other
guy could _see_ that. What you did was to grip his fighting hand,
usually the right, to keep him from easily going for his weapon. It
was a ritual of fear and mistrust. The original handshake between
_friends_ was done using both hands, right-to-left and left-to-right,
completing a circuit -- they were very New Age back then."
"And there's a second origin, based on early Middle East customs for
sealing pacts and agreements -- it's a mostly male thing so pardon if
I offend -- but this was where one guy put his hand on or around the
other man's family jewels, who if he reneged on his sacred oath this
would bring him punishment from his unborn generations. That's
supposedly the root of the words `testament' and `testimonial'.
The things they don't tell you in school! And did you know _lots_
of very famous people never shook hands, like George Washington,
Nikola Tesla, and -- wait, don't leave, it gets better, let me tell
you about doorknobs and telephones and the silverware you're using/"
~ ~ ~ ~
Word does get around, and pushy people soon stay out of your space.
BTW, I do shake hands when the event is so public (as, a presidential
inauguration or TV talkshow) that the other person risks ostracism
and embarrassment if we don't (and provided there is a wash basin
nearby and I have a bottle of hydrogen peroxide). I will also hug
attractive women (if invited to do so), since the need for finding
my Lifemate more often outweighs any threat of illness -- provided
that we have several layers of clothing between us. Should that
one-in-a-million chance of matching auras occur, a backrub may
follow. Maybe more...touching is most welcome, then. Especially
with someone like the above-mentioned Kathy...a person of such rare
strength of character, independence, and good sense -- and who so
profoundly shocks the prim Princess-Guide of Social Lemmings.
-- the Unshakeable Wizard ;)
___________________________________________ __ ._`.*.'_._ ____ ____
Mike Jittlov - Wizard, etc . . + * .o o.* `.`. +.
902 North Maltman Avenue ' * . ' ' |\^/| `. * . * `
Hollywood, CA 90026-2714 (: May All Your \V/ Good Dreams
<& alt.fan.mike-jittlov> and Fine Wishes /_\ Come True:)
================================================ _/ \_ ============
"The reasonable man adapts himself to the world: the unreasonable
one persists in trying to adapt the world to himself. Therefore
all progress depends on the unreasonable man." -- G.B. Shaw
"If someone's word is no good, what difference does a handshake
make? ...And if their word IS good, what need is there to shake
hands?" -- Gharlane of Eddor
"Miss Belair -- if you feel compelled to grab part of my body and
shake it before you can even be friendly, then _you've_ got more
problems than you think _I_ have." -- MJJ in WoSaT
alt.fan.mike-jittlov #6351 (0 + 36 more) [1]
From: fles...@titan.ucs.umass.edu (WHATS OPERA DOC)
[1] Rumors about Mike
Date: Sun Dec 11 20:17:07 PST 1994
Organization: University of Massachusetts, Amherst
Lines: 52
X-Newsreader: TIN [version 1.2 PL2]
I thought I'd mention that I have only
met about five or six people who have
heard of WOSAT or Mike Jittlov, but I
have heard several interesting and amusing
rumors about Mike. I don't think any
of them are true, but I thought Mike
and the rest might get a laugh out of
them. The first rumor concerned the
reason that Mike doesn't shake hands.
The rumor was that Mike believed that
if he touched someone, everything in
their brain would travel into Mike's
brain, and explode his head. The
second one said that Mike was going
out with a woman for a year and he never
touched her. The third rumor offered
an explanation to why WOSAT did not
make much money in theaters. Supposedly
the unions in Hollywood were so offended
by the way Mike made fun of them that
they got most of the theaters in the U.S.
to blacklist the movie, so nobody had
a chance to see it. I heard these from
friends at UMASS who were in the Science
Fiction Society and tried to bring Mike
to UMASS a long time ago.
On a related topic, I bought WOSAT on
a laserdisc about three years ago and
one of the first things I did was to
freeze frames and try to read the subliminals.
What I can't remember is what made me
do this. I don't remember if someone told
me to do this or it just entered my mind
somehow. Also, someone said that there
are lots of famous people in the crowd
scene at the end where everyone is
escorting Mike out of the theater after
his movie ends. I have tried examining
that scene also, and I haven't been
able to see anyone famous.
I am also hoping that the rumored CD of WOSAT music
comes out soon, because I would like to buy it.
Bye, Jittlovers!
Chris Flescher
fles...@titan.ucs.umass.edu
Amherst, MA
(Soon to be Thousand Oaks, CA)
alt.fan.mike-jittlov #6396 (0 + 9 more)
From: jit...@erehwon.caltech.edu. (Mike Jittlov)
Newsgroups: alt.fan.mike-jittlov,alt.cult-movies,rec.arts.movies.production
[1] Sex, Lies, & Video Distributors [long]
Followup-To: alt.fan.mike-jittlov
Date: 17 Dec 1994 13:34:10 GMT
Organization: California Institute of Technology, Pasadena
Lines: 225
Summary: Rumor Control
Keywords: Jittlov
Xref: nntp-server.caltech.edu alt.fan.mike-jittlov:6396 alt.cult-movies:69126
+ rec.arts.movies.production:2628
fles...@titan.ucs.umass.edu (WHATS OPERA DOC) whispers:
>I thought I'd mention that I have only met about five or six
>people who have heard of WOSAT or Mike Jittlov, but I have
>heard several interesting and amusing rumors about Mike.
(reading...) Hey, they're even better than the ones _I_ invent!
>The first rumor concerned the reason that Mike doesn't shake
>hands. The rumor was that Mike believed that if he touched
>someone, everything in their brain would travel into Mike's
>brain, and explode his head.
That's not a "rumor", that's a FACT. My head has already exploded
TWENTY TIMES this month! But, this is _Los Angeles_, so that kind of
thing is considered the norm. Some folks actually help me gather up
the pieces, and reassembly is always the cause of much hilarity.
Still, that's nothing, compared to how this phenomena works in reverse!
(Here: watch your monitor, tap your spacebar - and _stand back_...)
^L
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\///\\\///\\\///\\\///\\\///\\\///\\\///\\\///\\\///\\\///\\\///\\\//Wiz
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(...D*rn thing was stuck in Sub-G. Oh well. Next:)
>The second one said that Mike was going out with a woman for a year
>and he never touched her.
True rumor. She was a very famous screenwriter, singer and Motown
executive, who had gone through several decades of hell as a pioneer
in the record industry. It was not an ideal environment for a willowy,
beautiful, hyper-sensitive, 6-foot-tall, barefoot blonde. (She's on
one of her record albums, running "skyclad" with a lion.) Worse, she
was being "protected" by a world-class manipulator-manager. Her long
-awaited, first and only marriage lasted just a year and a half before
cancer took her truelove, and she went through a probate war when his
greedy relatives reportedly tried to take everything - his, and hers.
Really rough. Her mind was still brilliant, but her self-confidence
and trust were shot, and her speech was often difficult for people to
understand (sometimes skipping 3-4 words, in chaotic fast-forward),
you had to watch her expressive hands for the balance of thought.
We met through sci-fi writer Brian Daley, who sensed kindred spirits.
Though we knew we weren't marriage-mates, there was definitely a
friendship attraction. Which was fine by me - no tensions, problems
or expectations (and I was still too overworked and dense for romance
anyway). She was extremely private, stayed seven feet away from most
people, her cat was the only living thing I ever saw her touch. True,
trusting, non-user and zero-conflict friendship is rare in Hollywood
- so I was happy, I respected her boundaries, and I never tested her
psychic minefields. Except once, after a year...
I found out that she was over 40, and had never been to Disneyland;
she just couldn't take the crowds. I waited until a SuperBowl Sunday,
when the park was nearly deserted, and got her to finally come along.
She was a kid in candyland. Her eyes lit up as we rode Lucas' Star
Tours, and floated through the caverns of jolly pillaging Pirates,
whirled on the Teacup Ride (I taught her the secret of not throwing
up), and then tried Big Thunder Mountain (I think that's the name).
She wanted to sit behind, in the double bobsled seat. As we plunged
down the last waterfall chute, I felt her fingers sneak around my
waist, clasp into a warm hug, and her chin nuzzle my shoulder.
Breakthrough. She soon started going to meetings, talking to people
in clear cohesive sentences, and writing stories and scripts again.
She also moved far away from her Paramount Studios neighborhood.
But not before she graced our movie with her voice. On our slated
song-recording day, I discovered that my e.b.p. (who also played
the slimey, embezzling producer in our movie) had helped himself to
our modest music budget. We couldn't afford professional singers,
for all the songs which the movie was already edited to. I called
every friend I knew whom I'd heard sing. But it was Tuesday morning,
most everyone was working at real paying jobs. Paige couldn't make
it, she was locked into her new accounting job.
But Deven could, and brought his wife-to-be, Bree. My brother Greg
took a two-hour lunchbreak from auto repair. Ex-girlfriends Joyce
and Zoe showed up (and finally met, sharing rumors of their common
former amour). Several members of the Riot Act comedy group entered
with singer/voice-over genius Will Ryan. And then a certain tall,
shy blonde sidled in - and we had our choir. No rehearsals, most
had never met before that hour, we just got together, and we sang.
For a feature film score. (And my e.b.p. was really stewing.) I
gave each a token $40 from my savings, but nobody cashed the checks.
Last I heard, Chris was living outside Novato, California. And
hopefully she's writing up a storm.
>The third rumor offered an explanation to why WOSAT did not make
>much money in theaters. Supposedly the unions in Hollywood were
>so offended by the way Mike made fun of them that they got most
>of the theaters in the U.S. to blacklist the movie, so nobody had
>a chance to see it.
No, the unions are not that organized. And most of the union guys
who saw our movie either laughed heartily, or nodded in agreement.
The reason that WoSat showed in so few theaters was:
a) SGE made only three prints of my movie, for all North American
Distribution. (Not a little odd, since they made 1300 of their
previous effort.) And SGE forgot about one print for at least a
year. (I got a call from the Florida theater manager, who found
my phone number and asked where I wanted the print sent.) ( ;)
SGE's distribution performance was either gross incompetence, or
it was engineered - possibly as a business tax-loss, or because:
b) Universal/MCA (aka "Mafia Corporation of America" - 60 Minutes)
was coincidentally distributing a feature called "The Wizard",
starring Fred Savage (whaich was also a major ad for the Universal
Studios Tour and for Nintendo). MCA had a _lot_ of money riding
on this, and was reportedly telling at least one theater that if
it wanted "Back to the Future II" (a surefire winner), it _had_
to show "The Wizard" first (this is called "blockbooking", it is
extremely illegal, but who's going to fight the Black Tower?).
Scuttlebutt was "The Wizard" was as much a flop, as our little
"Wizard of Speed and Time" was a runaway hit. Universal/MCA was
_very_ good friends with SGE (who was illegally distributing our
film). You may guess why our movie was pulled from its one SRO,
lines-around-the-block Boston theater, despite outstanding media
reviews and a *phenomenal* $11,169 per-screen average.
>I heard these from friends at UMASS who were in the Science
>Fiction Society and tried to bring Mike to UMASS a long time ago.
^^^^^^^ ^^^^^^^
Need I say more? ;)
I also have to decline speaking invitations when:
a) I can't afford the honor (every appearance takes at least a week
out of my life, in preparation, travel, presentation, meetings,
travel, getting back to normal, getting over the colds/flu);
b) I can't afford the time (had to bow out of one Florida convention,
when my prior-commitment work on "Ghost" ran overtime);
c) I don't want to go there (it's freezing cold, it's heatstroke-hot,
there are crazed fans who think I'm their lover, and/or I have no
psychic vision/hope that my future Wife will find me there);
d) I can't afford the ego-loss (when the airlines/hotels/con-halls
each get often far more than the talent they bring/house/show);
e) I am too ornery and depressed and busy feeling sorry for myself.
Despite being a world-famous (well, at least _six_ people have heard
of me) film director/producer/actor/animator and Internet Newsgroup
*Celebrity*, I am at the other end of the economic bell-curve from
Spielberg and Eisner. I live on about $3000/year. Which also means
I can say those potentially litiginous things about ebps and SGEs,
because they'd have to finally pay me my money in order to sue for
anything. Poverty has its blessings. Experience has its rewards.
And I share what I can before I'm gone, as I hitchhike along on
the Infobahn. (...heyyy, maybe I should crosspost to rec.filksong)
>On a related topic, I bought WOSAT on a laserdisc about three
>years ago and one of the first things I did was to freeze
>frames and try to read the subliminals. What I can't remember
>is what made me do this. I don't remember if someone told
>me to do this or it just entered my mind somehow.
Psst - if you freeze the laserdisc at frame #80648, and jog-flicker
that with #80649... (And They say subliminals don't work - Hah!)
>Also, someone said that there are lots of famous people in the
>crowd scene at the end where everyone is escorting Mike out of
>the theater after his movie ends. I have tried examining that
>scene also, and I haven't been able to see anyone famous.
Well, you'll easily see a LOT MORE, as soon as I get my movie back
from the distribution crooks (and do a little *digitizing*... ;).
>I am also hoping that the rumored CD of WOSAT music comes out
>soon, because I would like to buy it.
Me too.
o===============================o:; ,::::,*.:::::.*.::::::::::::
| Mike Jittlov - Wizard, etc |';* ';;'..`::::' `:*`:;::::::
| still there at |;.;+, '* ```:'o o `, `::;::
| 902 North Maltman Avenue |,',.::.. .' .' |\^/|:. `*:.. `*
| Hollywood, CA 90026-2714 |...May All Your \Y/ Good Dreams
| <& alt.fan.mike-jittlov> |and Fine Wishes /_\ Come True:)
o===============================o===============_/ \_===========
psych...@my-deja.com
I guess, I can relate, I'll shake hands, but I don't touch strangers,
and I won't go to the doctor unless I have a painful ear infection and
need antibiotics, or I'm bleeding and have to be stitched up, and even
then... I've caught more illnesses in doctors offices. I'm far from
being a neat freak though :)
Cynthia
(living in Wisconsin, getting a little suspicious that the snow isn't
coming this year. Did it have a prior commitment in Canada or
something?)