469 top ten lists.hqx (1/5)
Bob
and uuencoded if necessary) for the benefit of the mac-impaired?
Please?
==
Bob
Randolf Smith
> Could someone pull out the lists and repost them (compressed
> and uuencoded if necessary) for the benefit of the mac-impaired?
Here you go: the first 100 of 469 top ten lists. The long lines haven't
been split, because I don't know how to work those text formatters. Also,
I didn't use a mac to get to the text (just to uncompress the file), so there
was a lot of garbage around the text. The process I used to get rid of the
garbage was somewhat heavy-handed, so it may not be completely accurate. By
the way, the button on the hypercard stack that made the original poster's
drive spin endlessly was a sorter. (Badly done bubble sort, I suppose.)
I will post the other 369 (4400 lines!) tomorrow.
-Randy Smith (bi...@u.washington.edu)
-----------------------------------------------------
1-Top 10 20/20 Features Currently In Production
10. What Irving Berlin has been up to since he died.
9. A chat with a man on the subway who used to be president of the United States.
8. Billy, Hitler's talking dog who looks just like a person.
7. The New Jersey Nets visit the White House.
6. Where is he now? Former senator Dan Quayle.
5. The inventor of the telephone -- Norman Telephoneman.
4. A lady with two dinosaurs in her yard. No, wait -- did I say two? It's three at least!
3. Fact checkers: Never had `em, never will.
2. Shirley Maclaine says: I was Buckwheat!
1. A guy from Pluto.
2-Top 10 2nd Half Cheers of the Denver Broncos
10. Hold `em Under a Hundred!
9. More Magazines!
8. All We Need Is Twenty-five Field Goals!
7. Oh, for the Sweet Release of Death!
6. Drug Tests! Drug Tests!
5. Dig-ni-tee! Dig-ni-tee! Leave Us With Our Dig-ni-tee!
4. Hey, That Big San Francisco Guy Was Shoving!
3. Start the Bus! Start the Bus!
2. Two, Four, Six, Eight ... Aw Screw It!
1. Wait `til the Pro Bowl!
3-Top 10 Acts Not Good Enough For Circus Of The Stars
10. Jake shoots the Fat Man out of a cannon
9. Sean Young as Catwoman
8. Joanne Worley consumes a lit cigar
7. Richard Simmons sweatin' to the calliope
6. Mary Hart gives bearded lady a fit with her voice
5. Hugh Downs takes a nap
4. Guy from Milwaukee dismembers two dozen clowns and stuffs them into tiny little car
3. David Letterman's hair
2. Doug Henning gargling
1. Siskel puts head into Ebert's mouth
4-Top 10 Additional John Sununu Ethics Violations
10. Used nuclear sub to pick up carton of Luckies at 7-11.
9. Used CIA technology to be 10th caller and win party weekend with Tesla.
8. Altered driver's license to John Sunoco and tried to get free gas.
7. Borrowed Fonzie's jacket from Smithsonian for Halloween party.
6. Appeared on 20/20 claiming to be Buckwheat.
5. Had presidential helicopter fly low over yard to trim hedges.
4. Had Quayle wash his car.
3. Sneaking down to warehouse to get free government cheese.
2. Midnight lap parties at Lincoln Memorial.
1. Acting weasely in general.
5-Top 10 Adnan Khashoggi Money-Saving Tips
10. If you're careful, a yacht can be used more than once.
9. HBO or Cinemax -- not both.
8. Caviar Helper.
7. Have Leona Helmsley do all your shopping for you.
6. No more loans to Pete Rose.
5. For entertainment at next party, hire Frank Sinatra Jr.
4. Don't pay a lot for your muffler.
3. Live at Letterman's place for a while.
2. Two words: token sucking.
1. Quit trying to keep up with the Trumps.
6-Top 10 Al Sharpton Travel Tips
10. To avoid overweight charges for your luggage, wear as many of your medallions as possible.
9. Don't forget the electrical adapter for your blow dryer.
8. All foreign food is good if you bring your own gravy.
7. Before making reservations, make sure hotel has a Fat Guy Suite.
6. If hair pomade is not available in Far East, duck sauce will work.
5. March on Buckingham Palace to protest fact that there hasn't been a black king in years.
4. When in Venice, have them load up front end of gondola with sacks of peat moss to balance you out.
3. If the pope tries wearing some big medallion, go ahead and wear two.
2. Be careful: in some countries, being loud and obnoxious is considered rude.
1. Trust me: One jogging suit is all you'll need.
7-Top 10 Alaskan Tourist Slogans
10. Black is Beautiful
9. It's High-Octane Excitement!
8. What Spill?
7. Fill `er Up -- With Fun!
6. We'll Throw Another Tar-Covered Salmon on the Barbie!
5. Live the Adventure: Fly Eastern to Alaska
4. No Chattering Birds Waking You Up at Dawn
3. Welcome to Jiffy Lube!
2. No Smoking
1. 240,000 Barrels of Fun!
8-Top 10 Amish Pick-up Lines
10. Are thee at barn-raisings often?
9. If our religion didn't forbid the use of telephones, I would ask thee for thy number.
8. Can I buy thee a buttermilk colada?
7. You've really got the build for that plain bonnet and shapeless black dress.
6. Say, my favorite movie is Witness too!
5. Are thee a model?
4. There are so many phonies at these quilting bees. Let's go someplace quiet.
3. They buggy has a bitchin' lacquer job.
2. I got Sinatra tickets.
1. Are thee up for some plowing?
9-Top 10 Amish Spring Break Activities
10. Drink molasses `til you heave.
9. Wet bonnet contest.
8. Stuff as many guys as you can into a buggy.
7. Buttermilk kegger.
6. Blow past the Dairy Queen on a really bitchin' Clydesdale.
5. Get tattoo: Born to raise barns.
4. Cruise the streets of Ft. Lauderdale shouting insults at people with zippers.
3. Sleep in `til 6 a.m.
2. Drive over to Mennonite country and kick ass.
1. Churning butter naked.
10-Top 10 Barbara Bush Snappy Comebacks To Wellesley Hecklers
10. How'd you get in this school? Were you the 100th caller?
9. One word from me and my husband could bomb this dump.
8. How'd you like to kiss some government property?
7. I didn't pick him. My husband did!
6. Know what this finger means? Take a ride on Air Force One!
5. Settle down. Van Halen will be out in a minute.
4. Millie -- Kill!
3. Two words, honey -- depilatory cream.
2. You girls wouldn't know proper etiquette if it bit you on the ---.
1. Read my lips -- take a hike!
11-Top 10 Bernhard Goetz Pickup Lines
10. Excuse me, Miss. I was shooting at the gentleman next to you.
9. How'd you like to double date with the Sliwas?
8. Care to dance with an intense gun-toting loner?
7. You would have a very curvy chalk outline.
6. I hate these pistol ranges, they're just meat markets.
5. Sure, I know Gabe Pressman _personally_.
4. Give me a scotch and soda and see what the punk on the floor will have.
3. Which do you think is funnier - Deathwish II or Deathwish III?
2. The evening is young. Let's clean up this town.
1. That _is_ a gun in my pocket, and I _am_ glad to see you.
12-Top 10 Better Ways To Spend $166 Billion
10. Put aluminum siding on every house on the planet.
9. Buy Leona Helmsley breakfast.
8. Back-to-school clothes for all of Steve Garvey's kids.
7. Cab ride from JFK to Manhattan.
6. Marry Robin Givens.
5. Give it to Pete Rose. See if he can double it.
4. Hire Jack Nicholson to play Yosemite Sam on this show every night for a year.
3. Give fabulous gifts for the Late Night audience -- the best damn audience in the world.
2. Pay a real lot for your muffler.
1. Walk into every pet shop in the world and announce, Hey everybody! The dogs are on me!
13-Top 10 Bio-Engineering Projects In Development
10. Prairie dogs who change tires.
9. Skunk that gives off lemon-fresh scent after being flattened by semi.
8. Sea otters who wear their hair like Pat Riley.
7. Squids that wait for the cable guy.
6. Super-intelligent dogs that can really play poker so you could just photograph them instead of buying one of those novelty paintings.
5. Dolphin who can pass bar exam for JFK Jr.
4. Coco Puffs bird with a calm, stable outlook on life.
3. Angry, growling, hissing marigold.
2. Mexican marital-counseling beans.
1. A grinch who steals car radios.
14-Top 10 Boston Red Sox Team Rules
10. During team orgies, players must stick to batting order.
9. Do not bring mistress to ballpark on Camera Night.
8. Pine tar to be used on bats only.
7. Married men must prove they are traveling with more than one girlfriend to get extra game tickets.
6. All team members must wear protective equipment.
5. Players batting under .300 are forbidden to cheat on their wives.
4. When writing autobiography, do not blaspheme Allah.
3. Girlfriends must sign out catchers mask and shinguards.
2. All 5-time league batting champions should keep their mouths shut for awhile, Boggs.
1. Choke up on it.
15-Top 10 Campaign Promises George Bush Is Sorry He Made
10. To use Star Wars satellites to give everybody free HBO.
9. To bite head off rat at first press conference.
8. Bomb France back to the Stone Age.
7. To get to the bottom of this whole Bigfoot thing.
6. Appease tobacco lobby by always having picture taken with cigarette in mouth.
5. To deflower Brooke Shields on board the Space Shuttle Atlantis .
4. To dispose of radioactive waste through the home shopping Network.
3. At summit with Soviets, to try pull my finger trick on Gorbachev.
2. To bring more lightweight pretty-boys into the executive branch.
1. To reveal during inaugural address the whereabouts of Elvis.
16-Top 10 Carnival Pick-Up Lines
10. I couldn't help noticing you throw up on the tilt-a-whirl.
9. Is somebody frying dough or is that you?
8. But I have to put my hands there to guess your weight.
7. I get off at nine, Senator Tower.
6. After a nice candlelit dinner, I'll let you pound a nail into my head.
5. I'm sure I've got a tattoo of your name on me somewhere.
4. How'd you like to become Mrs. Human Torso?
3. ** Insert your own corndog joke here **
2. If you didn't have that hard squinty look so common to carnival trash, you could be a model.
1. Is that a ring toss game -- or are you just glad to see me?
17-Top 10 Cartoon Characters or Organized Crime Figures
10. Felix the Cat
9. Popeye the Sailor
8. Jimmy the Weasel
7. Matty the Horse
6. Rocky the Flying Squirrel
5. Dominic the After Dinner Mint
4. Scooby-Doo the Butcher
3. Grant the Chairman
2. Vito the Cartoon Chipmunk
1. Huey, Dewey, and Louie, Gli Anatroccoli Della Morte, the Ducklings of Death
18-Top 10 Cartoons Shows in Iran
10. Ayatollah Turtle
9. Scooby Abu Nidal
8. Dennis the Brainwashed Skyjacking Menace
7. Teenage Mutant Ninja Mullahs
6. George Bush, the Pork Rind-Eating Infidel Dog
5. Super-Sloppy Rushdie Hunt!
4. Carlos the Jackal
3. Popeye the Uncircumcised Sailor
2. The Moose in the Burnoose
1. Really Looney Tunes
19-Top 10 Categories On Iraqi `Jeopardy'
10. Things that won't set off airport security
9. Nicknames for sand
8. Famous Mohammeds
7. At home with Hitler
6. Games played with a human head
5. Ways to lose a hand
4. Twenty-three letter words
3. Ayatollahs who have fallen out of their coffins
2. Sounds like ``Shi'ite
1. Broadway show tunes
20-Top 10 CBS Slogans
10. Tonight Dan Rather might do something goofy.
9. We're cheaper than cable.
8. We're the #1 network alphabetically (except for ABC).
7. Our high-frequency audio signal keeps you home rodent-free.
6. The network of the 1964 Winter Olympics.
5. Andy Rooney's only on for a minute a week.
4. For a $10 pledge, we'll send you a tote bag.
3. When the other networks run a commercial, why not spend a minute with us?
2. Ain't too proud to beg.
1. C'mon, what difference does it make? We all show pretty much the same crap anyway.
21-Top 10 Changes In Mount Rushmore
10. Time and temperature display in Theodore Roosevelt's forehead.
9. Removed big earrings from Lincoln because they made him look cheap.
8. Add Morey Amsterdam.
7. Elegant new Washington's Nose Cafe.
6. Roosevelt and Jefferson now kissing.
5. Loud, untidy family of squatters evicted from Lincoln's ear.
4. Gag space that says: Reserved for Dan Quayle.
3. Giant mechanical hand added that slaps them across face like the Three Stooges.
2. Genuine sheepskin eyebrows.
1. The whole thing will be crawling with real live monkeys.
22-Top 10 Changes in the Czech Constitution
10. Shirt and shoes no longer necessary for service at 7-Eleven.
9. Parliament to be replaced by the O'Jays.
8. Meetings of the Hair Club for Men now held openly.
7. Country no longer responsible for dry cleaning left after 30 days.
6. In event of free elections, presidency may not be held by guy from Hey Vern commercials.
5. New national anthem to be Rikki Don't Lose that Number.
4. Official government news service to be replaced by Larry King's column.
3. No law enacted without expressed written consent of Major League Baseball.
2. Nation to be divided into Corn Czechoslovakia and Rice Czechoslovakia.
1. Right to party membership now just right to party!
23-Top 10 Changes in the Mustang Ranch Now That It's Owned by the Government
10. Airbags installed on headboards of all beds.
9. Popular whipped cream treatment now uses government-surplus cheese.
8. A simple half & half now involves hours of paperwork.
7. Chipped beef on toast.
6. Marion Barry once again interested in government work.
5. Easygoing, low-pressure atmosphere maintained by experts from Postal Service.
4. Etchings of naked women replaced by clown paintings by Gerald Ford.
3. Name changed to Fort Dix.
2. Main gate marked by giant billboard of pantsless Uncle Sam.
1. T-shirts in gift shop say, I got screwed by Uncle Sam.
24-Top 10 Chapter Titles in Nancy Reagan's Book
10. Destiny's Detour: My Brief Engagement to Soupy Sales
9. The Hee-Haw Years
8. My Son, the Ballerina Sissy-Boy
7. That Hinckley Person Spoils a Day of Shopping
6. A Scary Moment: Ron Thinks He's Invented the Baloney Sandwich
5. Patti Davis: Author, Actress, Beauty ... Oh Alright, Author
4. Raisa Gorbachev: The Jane Wyman of Russia
3. Leona: The Sister I Never Had
2. Skinny-Dipping at Camp David
1. Scared Straight: My Visit to K-Mart
25-Top 10 Chapter Titles in the Exxon Employees's Manual
10. F U CN RD THS -- You can captain a supertanker!
9. Giving Sea Otters the Pat Riley `Wet Look'
8. What We Can Learn From Perrier
7. Jack Daniels: Everybody's First Mate
6. Like You Never Took a Leak in a Pool
5. Did You See Those Giant Lobsters?!: Finding a Good Alibi
4. Viva Versus Bounty: Which is the Quicker Picker-Upper?
3. Polluting New Jersey: Like Who's Gonna Notice?
2. Tossing the Empties Overboard
1. Compass Shmompass!
26-Top 10 Chapter Titles in the Mike Tyson Biography
10. An Immigrant Named Tysonowicz
9. The Dark Before the Dawn: Flunking Out of Wilfred Beauty Academy
8. The Fine Line Between Boxing and Dating
7. 1001 Deviled Egg Ideas
6. Sometimes When We Touch: The Don King Nobody Knows
5. Mike's Cross-Country Drive with Sandra Day O'Conner
4. Turning Down the Vice Presidency
3. Michael Spinks: The One-Minute Workout
2. The Break with Bob Vila
1. Excuse Me, Sir. Is This Your Spleen?
27-Top 10 Chicago Cub Excuses for not Winning a World Series Since 1908
10. Can actually see World Series better watching it on TV.
9. Mistakenly thought low score wins -- like in golf.
8. Secure enough in our manhood to play gently.
7. Traded high draft picks for candy and pocket flashlights.
6. Too many guys from 1908 team still on roster.
5. Image of loveable losers gets us more tail than Sinatra.
4. Since we got police scanner in dugout, real-life crises make it hard to concentrate on meaningless sport.
3. Conferences on mound degenerate into reminiscing about that great team in 1908.
2. Hey -- have you ever tried hitting a major league curveball?
1. It's victory enough living in Chicago -- home of the best damn audiences in the world!
28-Top 10 Children's Books Not Recommended by the National Library Association
10. Curious George and the High-Voltagge Fence
9. The Boy Who Died from Eating all his Vegetables
8. Legends of Scab Football
7. Teddy: the Elf with a Detached Retina
6. Tommy Tune: Boy Choreographer
5. Joe Garagiola Re-tells Favorite Fairy Tails but Can't Remember the Endings to all of Them
4. Ed Beckley's Start a Real Estate Empire with Change from Mom's Pocket
3. Things Rich Kids Have That You Never Will
2. Let's Draw Betty and Veronica with Their Clothes Off
1. The Care Bears Maul Some Campers and are Shot Dead
29-Top 10 Chinese Student Slogansk
10. We want Coke machines in the forced labor camps!
9. Hey -- what's with Dan Rather?
8. No MSG!
7. Knicks in seven!
6. Them bats is smart -- they use radar!
5. Elvis, show yourself!
4. Forbidden City -- No! Twitty City -- Yes!
3. Steinbrenner sucks!
2. Democracy! Human rights! Microwave nachos!
1. There's more than a billion of us, let's turn this dump over!
30-Top 10 Chinese Tourist Slogans
10. We're cracking down -- on dull vacations
9. We'll throw another dissident on the barbie
8. There's an outside chance you'll see Dan Rather clubbed senseless
7. We'll steal your heart -- and confiscate your film
6. Remember how you used to like our cute pandas
5. Free interrogation & beating with valid student ID
4. Visit the Szechuan County Fair with guest star Mac Davis
3. Democracy: Never had it. Never will.
2. When it comes to fun, we beat everybody!
1. Ba-boom! Ba-ding! Beijing!
31-Top 10 Christmas Movies Playing in the Times Square Area
10. Hot Buttered Elves
9. Santa's Magic Lap
8. Babes in Boyland
7. Crisco Kringle
6. Yes, Yes, Oh God Yes, Virginia
5. Ninja Reindeer Killfest `88
4. Not-So-Tiny Tim
3. Santa Goes Round-the-World
2. The Nutcracker Swede
1. I'm Not Rudolph; That's Not My Nose
32-Top 10 Christmas Tips From General Electric
10. If one light bulb in your house goes out, replace them all.
9. Fluorescent tubes make great Star Wars swords for the kids.
8. Blow-dryers can be used to keep food warm.
7. Big corporations shouldn't commercialize this blessed season by handing out bonuses.
6. Keeping several TVs and radios on all the time creates a feeling of warmth and intimacy.
5. We heard that Sylvania bulbs give off some kind of poison gas.
4. Same deal with Westinghouse.
3. Electric toothbrushes should be left on all day to keep them loose.
2. A GE industrial turbine makes a one-of-a-kind stocking stuffer.
1. Warranties, like greeting cards, should be thrown out.
33-Top 10 Circus Family Holiday Traditions
10. Grandpa Geek leads family in prayer -- then bites head off live turkey.
9. Put star on top of pinhead.
8. Get elephant to sit on Fotomat booth.
7. Count off 12 days of Christmas -- 1 day per finger.
6. Graft red rubber ball onto goat's nose: charge saps 5 bucks to see Rudolph.
5. Carols sung in harmony by two-headed boy.
4. Extend turkey stuffing with sawdust.
3. Let Monkey Boy wear festive green diaper.
2. Sit-down dinner of corn dogs, cotton candy, and pink lemonade.
1. Get liquored up, go to town, scare decent folk.
34-Top 10 Cleveland Indian Player's Excuses
10. Lost it in the lights.
9. Thought ball would go foul.
8. Ball took a wicked hop.
7. Thought you had it.
6. Feelings hurt by jeers of so-called fans.
5. Fumes from artificial turf made me woozy.
4. Had one of my spells.
3. Just couldn't get Michelob Light jingle out of my head.
2. Had bad clams for lunch.
1. Distracted by high-pitched sounds only I can hear.
35-Top 10 Columbian Tourist Slogans
10. You can't put a street value on fun.
9. Where the hits just keep on comin'!
8. Bored with Beirut?
7. Where every jungle clearing is an international airport.
6. Not affiliated with the Columbia School of Broadcasting.
5. Meet Juan Valdez and tour his coffee plantation.
4. 10,000 money-laundering Swiss bankers can't be wrong.
3. A one-ounce souvenir can pay for your entire vacation.
2. Tourists? We don't need no stinking tourists!
1. It's like Club Med with car bombs!
36-Top 10 Commercial Casket Models
10. The Dirt Master
9. Tupper-Tomb
8. Krazy-Kasket from Whammo
7. The Slim Reaper
6. The 19th Hole
5. McCoffin Styrofoam Casket
4. The Comfort-King Velvetliner (endorsed by Paul Anka)
3. Cap'n Crypt
2. The Cardboard Warrior
1. The La-Z-Boy Eterna-Lounger
37-Top 10 Complaints about the Inauguration
10. It wasn't in 3-D
9. Bush's over-commercial reference to 1,000 points of Bud Light
8. Al Sharpton poor choice to deliver benediction
7. It preempted my stories
6. Ghost of George Washington overseeing ceremony smelled like really old cheese
5. Bush's address loaded with boastful anecdotes about getting lucky in high school
4. Quayle showed up
3. Should have waited until speech was over to tap the keg
2. 72% less warmth than average Cosby episode
1. Too much talk; not enough rock
38-Top 10 Complaints of Jane Pauley
10. Deborah Norville points to nameplate on door and asks Will that come off easily?
9. Network garage doesn't have discount rate for dirt bikes.
8. Replaced on news updates by cartoon goose.
7. Commissary's mandatory shirt and shoes rule.
6. Token-sucking not as easy as it looks.
5. 3:00 a.m. calls from liquored-up Linda Ellerbee begging her to try Maxwell House coffee.
4. Barroom bouncers who say I'll call you -- but never do.
3. Having to drive Letterman to and from work.
2. Your name has to be Bill Cosby before NBC will kiss your butt.
1. Them screamin' brats of hers.
39-Top 10 Complaints Of New York City Cops
10. Police-band radio: too much talk, not enough rock.
9. Shoulder holster can only hold three doughnuts.
8. Out-of-towners undertip.
7. Jackie Onassis always kicks out windows in back of cruisers.
6. Winter uniforms too dowdy.
5. Not allowed to sell Amway products on beat.
4. Forced to look the other way when mayor greets Merv Griffin.
3. Dumb ads too much like small-town news.
2. Only nice girls we meet are criminals.
1. Commissioner too quick to call in Batman.
40-Top 10 Complaints of Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Models
10. Skimpy outfits reveal biker tattoos.
9. Ever since Paulina Porizkova started dating Ric Ocasek, goofy-looking guys actually think they have a shot with us.
8. Knowing your photo is being used as currency in prison.
7. Exxon tankers.
6. Going on sleazy late-night talk shows where the band leader makes a clumsy pass at you.
5. The 1987 Arctic Circle shoot.
4. Having to pay cash before pumping your own gas.
3. People who mistake your sun protection factor for your I.Q.
2. Creepy feeling that somewhere Jimmy Swaggart is sitting alone looking at a picture of you.
1. That damn sand gets in everything.
41-Top 10 Complaints Of Thatcher's Husband At The Economic Summit
10. Secret Service guys keep roughing him up and asking who the hell he is.
9. Mrs. Mitterrand is all hands.
8. Has to keep an eye on World Cup trophy whenever West German Chancellor Helmut Kohl goes to the bathroom.
7. He gave Margaret a list of his ideas for economic policies and she put it in her pocket without even reading it.
6. He and Barbara Bush have same neck size.
5. Every minute Margaret is at the conference is a minute they can't be back at the hotel entwined in burning passion.
4. Drove all the way to Dallas for 2 Live Crew concert and they cancel show.
3. The way George Bush and Magaret exchange knowing looks every time foreign withdrawal is mentioned.
2. Dan Quayle's lousy coffee.
1. Worried about spending so much time away from whatever the hell he does for a living.
42-Top 10 Cool Things About Boris Yeltsin
10. Once won air guitar contest at Moscow Houlihan's.
9. Brews his own potato beer in a bucket in the attic.
8. Knows where Gorbachev is really ticklish.
7. Speaks some funny moon-man language.
6. Cracks up Politburo by putting on leather jacket and doing his Boris Dice Yeltsin routine.
5. On a bet, once ate 10,000 M&Ms.
4. Yeltsin is Russian for retsin.
3. Moonlights in Mayor McCheese costume in Red Square MacDonald's.
2. The rocket-powered Yeltsinmobile.
1. Can drink Ted Kennedy under the table.
43-Top 10 Courses Taken By Basketball Players At UNLV
10. Investing your illegal recruiting money wisely.
9. NBA team mascots: Are they really big animals?
8. Naming the presidents since Kennedy
7. The hydraulic principles of the keg.
6. Your ass from a hole in the ground: a comparative study.
5. The college classroom: a simulation
4. Nudie paintings from the olden days
3. Copying off the exam of the Asian guy in front of you
2. How to spell Tarkanian
1. How to choose the best free car
44-Top 10 Current Goals of the New York Mets
10. Keep uniforms as clean as possible for the remainder of the season
9. Trace genealogy of name Mookie
8. Finally learn words to The Star-Spangled Banner
7. Think up rude new nickname for Whitey Herzog
6. Make whiny late-night calls to commissioner Ueberroth claiming Cardinals are cheaters
5. Get to know -- get to _really_ know -- stadium organist
4. Get green card renewed (Rafael Santana)
3. Sleep in (Darryl Strawberry)
2. Play last game of season buck naked
1. Sign up for area NFL teams
45-Top 10 Dan Quayle Campaign Ideas.
10. Dad gives every registered voter fifty bucks.
9. Silence critics by promising to start another war in Vietnam and fight in that one.
8. Switch from Sugar Pops to more mature bran cereal.
7. Kegger!
6. Baffle Lloyd Bentsen by legally changing name to Jack Kennedy.
5. Allow college to release records of guy who took exams for me.
4. Let Don King handle everything.
3. ** Insert your own Indiana National Guard joke here **
2. Cough a lot so people think Bush with outlive me.
1. Point out that many of the great men of history were lightweight zeros.
46-Top 10 Dan Quayle Complaints About France
10. Virtually impossible to find a box of Captain Crunch.
9. Long lines at Jerry Lewis movies.
8. French people speak some kind of weird moon-man language.
7. Water fountain in bathroom must be designed for midgets.
6. Snobby French won't elect their government officials unless they have qualifications of some kind.
5. Dubbed version of Ernest Goes to Camp makes Ernest sound like a sissy.
4. Doesn't know how many hours ahead to set Mickey's hands.
3. The Happy Meals taste different.
2. Can't understand a thing. (That's also one of his complaints about being vice president.)
1. Everyone keeps referring to him as Le Bonehead.
47-Top 10 Dan Quayle National Guard Duties
10. Make sure armory's vending machines never run out of pretzel sticks.
9. Look through catalogs for cute gifts for officers' wives.
8. Enforce No Horseplay rule at public pools.
7. Play hula girl on skit night.
6. Make sure hot side stays hot; cool side cool.
5. Make cool explosions sounds when platoon trains with dummy grenades.
4. Beat local scout troops to best lakeside campsites.
3. Keep guys without shirts from entering 7-Elevens.
2. Write to Nancy Sinatra; urge her to visit base.
1. Round-the-clock blob watch.
48-Top 10 Dan Quayle Pick-up Lines
10. Didn't we almost flunk out of school together?
9. How about a drink with a historical footnote?
8. I sure would have gone to Vietnam if the Cong looked like you.
7. Can my father buy you a drink?
6. You could close your eyes and pretend I'm Jack Kemp.
5. I think I saw Elvis last week at the Stuckey's on the interstate.
4. Look! I've got a bunch of balloons with my name on them!
3. A girl like you could help a guy forget the irreparable damage he's done to the Republican party.
2. I'll be vice president after we beat Dukakis and Lloyd Bridges.
1. Why yes, I'm Pat Sajak.
49-Top 10 Dan Quayle Questions While at the White House
10. OK if I leave my clubs here?
9. Who are all the old farts in the paintings?
8. Can I have a Kermit phone?
7. Do we get the day after Thanksgiving off?
6. Would you tell me about the rabbits, George?
5. Are all the Playmates down at the sauna or are they shooting bumper pool?
4. Which button am I supposed to never touch?
3. Won't it be great if George and I win the big election?
2. Where did Prescilla sleep?
1. Mrs. Reagan, can I call you Mommy?
50-Top 10 Daniel Ortega Excuses
10. Intenionally threw election to make millions on rematch.
9. Didn't want to do I'm going to Disney World commercial.
8. Many voters thought Sandinistas were Pepperidge Farm cookies.
7. Picked young, empty-headed senator as running mate.
6. Too little campaigning, too much Marla Maples.
5. Voters always pick the bustier candidate.
4. Couldn't deliver on promise to get arena football team for Managua.
3. She used steroids.
2. Screw it. Germany's going to rule the world anyway.
1. Let's face it -- communism sucks.
51-Top 10 Dave Letterman Driving Tips
10. Firemen like it when you race alongside them.
9. If pursued by highway patrol always pull over immediately, then try to flee on foot.
8. Keep freezer bags in glove compartment in case you hit a steer.
7. With the right tools, any rental car can be a convertible.
6. When transporting a monkey don't let him take the wheel no matter how much he screeches.
5. To let other drivers know you're there, start blowing your horn as you leave the driveway and don't stop until you reach your destination.
4. Only use Bat Chutes in a real emergency.
3. An engineer's cap and bandana add an element of fantasy and fun.
2. There are no finer men and women than the officers of the New Canaan Connecticut Police Department. They are the unsung heros of the 20th century.
1. When cutting through yards at night, look out for kids in tents.
52-Top 10 Dave Letterman New Year's Resolutions
10. Wear ascot every day -- not just for Sunday walks
9. Plump up my lips with silicone
8. Break it off with Mrs. Robert C. Wright
7. Make sure the car trunk is _really_ soundproof
6. To never again try to pet a monkey while its urinating
5. To be more understanding of arrogant redheaded celebrities who claim to have led previous lives
4. Finally remove the asbestos from the rec room
3. Stop saying G.E. sucks
2. Start saying G.E. really sucks
1. Slowly convince my mother that her name is Steve
53-Top 10 Dear Abby Letter Signatures
10. Bewildered in Baltimore
9. Can't Sit Down in San Pedro
8. Female, Bearded and Happy
7. Bitter-Soon-to-be-Divorced-Former-Swedish-Rock-Star
6. In Prison and Loving It
5. Naked in James Garner's Garage
4. A Cleveland Baseball Team
3. Bryant Gumbel
2. Mr. Pelican Pants
1. `Whipped in the White House
54-Top 10 Defense Arguments of Noriega's Lawyers
10. He was loopy on Stridex fumes.
9. Desperate crush on Ted Koppel made him try anything to get on Nightline.
8. Typographical error; thought he was selling rugs.
7. Just following advice in book: Stay in power the Ceausescu Way.
6. You think it's easy supporting a wife, two kids , a mistress and hookers on a measly president's salary?
5. Traumatized in childhood by death of his parents -- whom he killed.
4. Was doing it all to impress Jodie Foster.
3. If his last name was Letterman he'd just get his driver's license suspended.
2. P.M.S.
1. If a dictator can't run drugs, launder money and torture opponents, what kind of world are we living in?
55-Top 10 Demands of the Striking Telephone Workers
10. Sick of getting paid in quarters.
9. Make it illegal for people to answer the phone: Yel-lo!
8. Full protective clothing and breathing apparatus for guys who clean mouthpieces of New York City payphones.
7. Can refuse to repair phones shaped like cartoon cats.
6. Right to listen in on Rob Lowe's phone conversations.
5. Operators no longer have to make busy-signal sound with their mouths.
4. Power to send National Guard troops to level homes of people with funny answering machine messages.
3. Authorization to say, Look it up yourself, you lazy sack of crud.
2. The right to call everyone Larry -- as in: Thank you for using AT&T, Larry.
1. Stop all the damn ringing! Ringing! Ringing!
56-Top 10 Disadvantages of Winning a Nobel Prize
10. You have to get kissed by herring-breathed King Olaf
9. Automatically disqualifies you from being a contestant on Jeopardy
8. Dangling medallion could get caught in open blender
7. More junk mail from fly-by-night award-polishing services
6. Distant relatives pestering you for free advice on particle physics
5. Have to get in embarassing kickline at end of ceremony with other winners
4. Friends always borrowing medal for 10% discount at participating Red Lobsters
3. Run-ins with gangs of Pulitzer prize-winners usually end up in a brawl
2. Sarcasm of postman when he says, Here's your copy of Big Juggs magazine, Mr. Nobel Laureate.
1. Don't see a dime from the Mattel Nobel Prize action figures
57-Top 10 Dog Excuses For Losing The Dog Show
10. Mistaken assumption there would be chance to show off talent for drinking from toilet.
9. Thought I saw that little chuckwagon.
8. Bad idea going into Don King's barber.
7. Caught in a lie claiming to be Cycle Two dog when I'm really Cycle Three.
6. Shouldn't have picked Quayle as running mate.
5. My lifelong losing battle wth problem drool.
4. Spelled ubiquitous with two B's.
3. Didn't know that was the judge's leg.
2. Money goes to trainer anyway. So let him stand naked in Madison Square Garden and get touched by a stranger in a bad suit.
1. Like me, the whole thing was fixed.
58-Top 10 Dog Pick-Up Lines
10. Come to this chain-link fence often?
9. My friend and I have a bet. I say you're part Airedale.
8. I know a nice place where we can drink out of the toilet.
7. Didn't we meet at Lorne Greene's funeral?
6. I've been trained to sniff out explosives and I can tell you're dynamite!
5. This kennel is so full of phonies!
4. Your coat looks lovely with all those fresh lawn trimmings in it.
3. Even a garden hose wouldn't stop me from loving you.
2. Hey! Who smells like decomposing squirrels?
1. Aw c'mon -- I'm getting neutered tomorrow!
59-Top 10 Dog Science Fair Projects
10. Water Dish vs. Toilet Bowl: A Taste Test
9. Canine Hallucinations and that Tiny Little Chuckwagon
8. The Aerodynamics of Sticking Your Head Out a Car Window
7. Using a Particle Accelerator To Separate Kibbles from Bits
6. Because We Can: Why Dogs Lick Themselves
5. Symptoms of Cirrhosis in Spuds MacKenzie's Liver
4. The Visible Dissected Cat
3. Black Labradors: Genetically Better Fetchers?
2. Radar Bitch Finder
1. Your Master's Leg: A Study in Friction
60-Top 10 Don King Titles for the Pope/waldheim Meeting
10. The Meet at St. Pete
9. The Grapple Near the Sistine Chapel
8. The Thrilla in the Basilica
7. Vati-Krieg
6. The Nazi Meanie vs. the Guy in the Beanie
5. His Grace Meets the Master Race
4. Fun with the Hun
3. Woodstock II
2. Pops `n' Schnapps
1. A Couple of _Really_ White Guys Sitting Around Talking
61-Top 10 Donahue Holiday Topics
10. Women elves love; women elves leave.
9. Department store Santas who hang out in the lingerie section.
8. Gingerbread men who become gingerbread women.
7. Santa's connection to the Gambino family.
6. The naughty list: Is it McCarthyism?
5. Real-life Jack Frosts: Guys who nip at your nose.
4. People who like fruitcake.
3. Safe sex using Christmas stockings.
2. Prancer and Dancer: Should they adopt?
1. People who rub up against you in the gift wrap line.
62-Top 10 Donahue Topics If the Program Were Produced by Dogs
10. Worm pill addict
9. Dogs who use cat doors
8. Post-neutering depression
7. Lady mud wrestlers
6. Korea: the evil empire
5. Those romantic Pocono tick baths
4. Falling in love with your vet
3. Owners who eat _your_ leftovers
2. Why Quayle?
1. When to stop licking yourself
63-Top 10 Donald Trump Pickup Lines
10. How'd you like to be a New York Post headline?
9. Haven't I evicted you somewhere before?
8. You don't know Marvin Mitchelson, do you?
7. Care to take a ride on the Trump Shuttle?
6. I'd like to do to you what I did to Merv.
5. I can introduce you to Don King.
4. Hello, I'm Donald Trump.
3. Tired of always running to the automated cash machine?
2. I'm good friends with Dave Letterman.
1. Yes, that's a roll of hundreds in my pocket -- AND I'm glad to see you.
64-Top 10 Dukakis Excuses
10. Forgot to wear lucky shorts.
9. Thought election was first Tuesday in December.
8. It's just a big popularity contest.
7. Used Wendell to warm-up campaign crowds.
6. Couldn't believe anyone in a million, jillion years would vote for George Bush.
5. Extensive campaigning in Belgium was waste of time.
4. Fell for Bush's old you-vote-for-me-and-I'll-vote-for-you trick.
3. ** insert your own eyebrow joke here **
2. Ill-advised pledge to tax you bastards back to the Stone Age.
1. Didn't care about presidency; just wanted to win $20 bet that I could do better than Mondale.
65-Top 10 Duties Of Queen Elizabeth
10. Gets to throw the first punch in British soccer riots.
9. Appears on TV ads for London radio shack.
8. Put on big furry hillbilly bear costume and greets visitors at Buckingham Palace.
7. Feed the Royal Monkeys.
6. Play local disc jockeys in Donkey Basketball game for charity.
5. Represent U.K. among the Gorgeous Ladies of Wrestling.
4. Make Prince Andrew stop wearing T-Shirt that says Wanna see the Royal Jewels.
3. Must chase, kill and consume barn rats.
2. Kick the Queen of Sweden's butt in croquet.
1. Tip like a big shot.
66-Top 10 Duties of the New Japanese Emperor
10. Validate parking for world leaders who stayed more than 2 hours at funeral.
9. Impress U.N. General Assembly by slicing tin can with Ginsu knife.
8. Call Dan Quayle at 3 a.m. and scream Banzai! into phone.
7. Record your lights are on for use in all talking Toyotas.
6. Befriend Pat Morita; find out who's gay in Hollywood.
5. Organize title fight between Mike Tyson & Mothra.
4. Find friends for John Tower when he's in town.
3. See that Yoko Ono's U.S. citizenship is kept up-to-date.
2. Defend crown every 6 months as required by World Wrestling Federation by-laws.
1. Make sure America isn't late with the rent check.
67-Top 10 East German Government Explanations for the Mass Defections
10. Moved everyone out for a few days so we could paint the place.
9. We wanted to lighten load of our overworked census takers.
8. Tempted by all those letters from Ed McMahon.
7. They're just going to refill steroid prescriptions.
6. Wanted to scare the French.
5. We couldn't get the Chinese tanks here in time.
4. Auditions for open slot on the Today Show.
3. They heard there was plenty of room at Letterman's place.
2. They're going to Disney World!
1. Who are we kidding? Communism sucks!
68-Top 10 Ed Koch Excuses
10. Leona Helmsley endorsement less help than expected.
9. Shouldn't have boasted about having the deepest pot holes in the whole wide world.
8. Graduates of city schools couldn't read name on ballot.
7. Failed to deliver on pledge to go underground and personally capture the big hairy guy from Beauty & The Beast.
6. Should have listened when people answered How'm I doin'? by saying You suck.
5. Mistake declaring crumbling bridges and tunnels thrill rides.
4. Wasted money buying unseen ads during Letterman show.
3. Should have shook hands and kissed babies -- not vice versa.
2. Became laughing stock when Batman never answered signal outside City Hall.
1. Most Koch supporters lost right to vote when convicted.
69-Top 10 Effects Of The Solar Flare
10. Brokaw does Nightly News with Italian accent.
9. Grocery bag boys suffer incontinence.
8. Plate in my head starts getting warm.
7. New York City cab drivers speak perfect English.
6. Really bad NBC TV movie: Solar Flare 2000
5. Audis shift into reverse without warning.
4. Top Ten lists no longer seem funny.
3. Don King's hair: No effect.
2. Representatives from other TV networks start phoning.
1. General Electric lightbulbs burning out faster than usual.
70-Top 10 Election Tips from Dave Letterman
10. Practice voting by flicking light switch on and off.
9. Always find out how a candidate stands on Sunday beer sales.
8. If you repeat the name Dukakis 100 times out loud, it starts to sound real funny.
7. We want a president who stands up to Iran or Iraq or whoever has the bearded guy.
6. As a gag, close curtain in booth and shout Hey who used all the hot water?
5. Voting is important, but nobody would blame you if you stayed home to watch Hardbodies on cable again.
4. If a station preempts wrestling -- call and complain.
3. Introduce yourself in bars as Albert Gore. Who would know?
2. President Stallone: it won't happen unless we make it happen.
1. Remember: your vote counts as much as people who know who the candidates are.
71-Top 10 Elf Fears
10. Contracting Lyme disease from showering with reindeer.
9. The end of somebody's tiny little hammer will fly off and crack a skull open.
8. Massive layoffs from impending Santa-Keebler merger.
7. Getting stranded after dark in a pixie neighborhood.
6. They'll die and go to hell.
5. First elf president will probably not come in their lifetime.
4. Low blood pressure will make it difficult to maintain curled toes.
3. Something happens to Bush.
2. Santa will replace them with really smart Oriental kids.
1. Bell rash.
72-Top 10 Elf Occupational Hazards
10. Severe chafing from testing new bicycle seats.
9. Tinsel lung.
8. Mistakenly drinking paint.
7. Jingle bell lodged in trachea.
6. Getting sprinkled by tall reindeer.
5. Stepping on a little red wagon and sliding into a giant gas turbine.
4. Ringworm.
3. Two words: lawn darts.
2. Fired when General Electric takes over the company.
1. Hammer fights.
73-Top 10 Elf Pickup Lines
10. I'm down here.
9. Just because I've got bells on my shoes doesn't mean I'm a sissy.
8. I was once a lawn ornament for John Bon Jovi.
7. I can get you off the naughty list.
6. I have certain needs that can't be satisfied by working on toys.
5. I'm a magical being. Take off your bra.
4. No, no. I don't bake cookies. You're thinking of those dorks over at Keebler.
3. I get a thimbleful of tequila in me and I turn into a wild man.
2. You'd look great in a Raggedy Ann wig.
1. I can eat my weight in cocktail wieners.
74-Top 10 Elvis Presley Household Hints
10. A little club soda will get food stains out of satin capes.
9. Bargain metal polishes may discolor solid gold piano.
8. Use blowdryer to speed up defrosting time on TV dinners.
7. A wad of gum will keep medallion from sliding around your chest.
6. Stubborn stain on auto upholstery? Buy a new car.
5. Jewel-encrusted belts make good emergency snow treads.
4. Put Las Vegas souvenirs on mantle for museum effect.
3. Out of hairspray? Try Pam.
2. For a classy dessert, remove sticks from Eskimo Pies before serving.
1. A small handgun makes any TV remote control.
75-Top 10 Entrees at Mickey's Kitchen (not including the Minnie-plate)
10. Mouse in the Box
9. Dwarf shrimp
8. Three Little Pigs in a Blanket
7. Wicked Stepmother Apple Turnover
6. Dalmation Dawg
5. Cream of Dumbo Gumbo
4. Huey, Duey and Luey Suey
3. Bambi Burger
2. Cruella de Veal
1. Donald Duck a l'Orange
76-Top 10 Excuses by the Denver Broncos
10. Pregame shoe mix-up with rockettes
9. Depressing halftime pep-talk by Larry Holmes
8. Wanted to keep uniforms clean for postgame photo
7. Weak with laughter from humorous banners in stands
6. Show-off John Elway called plays in French
5. Secure enough in our manhood to play gently
4. Worried sick about this George Bush/Dan Rather tiff
3. Entire team giddy with anticipation of Late Night's 6th Anniversary Special on NBC, Thursday, Feb. 4, 9:30 Eastern, 8:30 Central
2. Wanted to beat the traffic
1. Coach's ill-chosen battle cry of Let's win one for the late Roy Cohn!
77-Top 10 Excuses by the U.S. Basketball Team for Their Loss to Brazil at the Pan American Games
10. Had really heavy lunches
9. Upset about Valerie Harper leaving Valerie show
8. U.S. team often played as many as 2 white guys at once
7. Overcome by mysterious sleepiness after barrage of blowdarts from Brazilian bleachers
6. Disturbed by pregame discovery of Brent Musburger's shrunken head in locker room
5. Unnerved by hundreds of Hitler clones doing wave in stands
4. Constantly threw ball out-of-bounds to stop shrieking of spider monkeys
3. That big liar Fred MacMurray didn't come through with the promised Flubber
2. Tired out from night before's mixer with gymnastic sluts
1. Team motto Go for the silver not very inspiring
78-Top 10 Excuses of the Exxon Tanker Captain.
10. Trying to scrape ice off reef for margarita.
9. Thought harbor was filled with soft fluffy kind of rocks.
8. Felt flourishing salmon population was getting a little cocky lately.
7. Wanted to impress Jodie Foster.
6. Kept drinking beer to wash away taste of cheap scotch.
5. First mate and I were having tastes great/less filling argument.
4. Swerving to avoid oncoming Eastern Airlines jet.
3. You really need a good nap after downing a pitcher of frozen daiquiris.
2. Hoping to dislodge any whales that might be trapped in ice.
1. Man, was I `faced!
79-Top 10 Expressions that Sound Dirty but Really Aren't
10. Frosting the pastry
9. Shooting hoops
8. Jumping the turnstile
7. Checking your oil
6. Tethering the blimp
5. Sending out for sushi
4. Picnic on the grass
3. Quarter-pounder at the Golden Arches
2. Shaking hands with Abraham Lincoln
1. Windsurfing on Mount Baldy
80-Top 10 Fast Food Franchises In Iraq
10. Kentucky Gassed Chicken
9. Sand-in-the-Box
8. Saddam's Big Boy
7. Goats `N' Stuff
6. Veil-less Babes Donut Shop
5. Donkey Hut
4. Glorious Martyred Chicken Parts
3. Tony Roma's (they're everywhere)
2. Taco Tent
1. Stuff Your Hump
81-Top 10 Fears of McDonald's Managers
10. Under torture I might reveal ingredients of secret sauce.
9. Customers will figure out that the fish sandwich and apple pie are exact same item.
8. Mayor McCheese's naked body found in cheap hotel room somewhere down south.
7. Might someday accidentally eat a McNugget.
6. After sex with wife, might mistakenly say, Do you want fries with that?
5. One of the trainees wants to man the shake machine and dammit - he's not ready!
4. Something will happen to Bush.
3. Even after selling a billion Big Macs, I'll still feel kind of empty inside.
2. Someday a race of supercows will make paper-thin burgers out of me.
1. That might not be mayonnaise.
82-Top 10 Fears of Snuggles the Fabric Softener Bear
10. Might someday have to chew own leg off to escape from lint trap.
9. Sleeping in laundry basket exposes him to attack by housecats.
8. He may wind up in a washer with Al Sharpton's undershirts.
7. People will find out about that mauled camper back in `78.
6. Excess softener will leave him unable to perform as a male.
5. First wife Joey Heatherton will write book claiming he beat her regularly.
4. Winnie-the-Pooh will get drunk at family gathering and start loudly suggesting that he should be the fabric softener bear.
3. Something might happen to George Bush.
2. Company doctors will perform some kind of surgery to insure he remains snuggly forever.
1. The Pillsbury Doughboy will ask him to poke lower.
83-Top 10 Features Of Saddam Hussein's Bunker
10. Goat-sized microwave.
9. State-of-the-art moustache grooming facilities.
8. A Gideon Koran.
7. Button to launch Scuds hooked up to a Clapper.
6. Security camera to catch woman who keeps breaking into bunker claiming to be Mrs. Hussein.
5. Cheesy-looking clock that was gift from PLO that he has to pull out every time Arafat visits.
4. Babe-o-matic periscope.
3. Always calling his son a meathead (Oops, that's Archie Bunker).
2. Shower (never used).
1. Hitler's old La-Z-Boy recliner.
84-Top 10 Features of the Stealth Bomber
10. Has 2-inch ball hitch on back so it can pull Stealth trailer
9. Makes square and crescent-shaped ice cubes
8. Plenty of room on wing for Trump logo
7. Computer tabulator shows pilot up-to-the-minute frequent-flyer mileage
6. Easiest plane ever for pouring Pepsi upside down
5. Sirens sound if monster appears on wing like in Twilight Zone
4. Nose cone opens to release spring-loaded boxing glove
3. Enormous speakers can be heard playing We Will Rock You across a continent
2. Advanced bombsight allows crew to deliver payload right down Gadhafi's shorts
1. Kids fly free
85-Top 10 Fireworks or Al Sharpton Nicknames
10. Screechin' Preacher
9. Mousse Missile
8. Flaming Media Hog
7. Atomic Tax Cheat
6. Sparkling Whopper-Eater
5. The Self-Destructing Ball of Gas
4. Pinwheeling Porkball
3. Buffalo-in-a-Bouffant
2. Indicted Dud
1. Out-of-Control Fat Guy
86-Top 10 Folk Dances Or Mild Nervous Disorders
10. The Tarantella
9. The Reel
8. The Jitters
7. The Clog-Dance
6. The Screamin' Meemies
5. The Fling
4. The Hula
3. The Willies
2. Just Plain Edgy
1. The Shakes/The Hokey Pokey (tie)
87-Top 10 Freak Accidents On The Today Show Set
10. Tour group mauled after teasing Willard during feeding time.
9. Makeup artist scratches arm on Deborah Norville's hair.
8. High-powered floor waxer runs amok, kills a guy.
7. Gene Shalit electrocuted by frayed mike cord; decides to leave his hair that way.
6. Meteor plunges into Bryant's coffee cup; splashes guest George Will.
5. A series of suspicious toupee fires.
4. Unwrapping of forgotten Jane Pauley tuna sandwich knocks out several staffers.
3. Willard attacked by rabid duck at one of those state fairs or wherever the hell it is he goes.
2. Guest on Donahue's Homicidal Pyromaniacs segment wanders into wrong studio.
1. Glare from Joe Garagiola's head blinds boom operator.
88-Top 10 Fun Things About Being Mikhail Gorbachev
10. Using KGB surveillance equipment to get free HBO.
9. Can jump turnstile to Moscow subway and nobody says a word.
8. Staging fake battle scenes in Afghanistan and then selling the footage to American TV networks.
7. On opening day of Soviet auto show, got to be the first one to sit in the Batmobile.
6. Constitutionally empowered to strip search any citizen.
5. The Whammo Co. is always sending free stuff.
4. Counter guys at Moscow McDonald's usually slip in a couple extra McNuggets.
3. Lucrative Jockey underwear endorsement deal.
2. Gets to play Santa at end of May Day parades.
1. Raisa after two glasses of wine.
89-Top 10 Gary Hart Christmas Wishes
10. Newspapers latch onto photos of Michael Dukakis and bearded lady.
9. Jesse Jackson suddenly loses his ability to rhyme.
8. People start referring to sleazy womanizing as Kennedyesque.
7. George Bush gets irresistible urge to fondle Jean Kirkpatrick at press conference.
6. Complete set of yearbooks from the Barbizon School of Modeling.
5. To be played by Lorenzo Lamas in Donna Rice's made-for-TV movie.
4. Miss September consents to be his running mate.
3. Snow for a white Christmas.
2. So much snow that his secretary can't get her car out of the driveway and has to spend the night.
1. The Landers sisters and a case of malt liquor.
90-Top 10 General Electric Earthquake Tips
10. To communicate with neighbors, flip porch light on and off
9. Shore up sagging foundations with newly purchased electric stove
8. Destroy Westinghouse products; replace them with G.E. products
7. Use blender to make pitcher of nerve-soothing daiquiris
6. Discourage looting by surrounding house with hundreds of open waffle irons turned on high
5. Switch on yard and pool lights before evacuation
4. Prepare kid for tremors with educational rides in the washing machine
3. Boost morale by stringing up all your Xmas lights and turning them on
2. Entertain family by making crank calls to Sylvania headquarters
1. Use the dream of a 4-way light bulb of the future as incentive to stay alive
91-Top 10 General Electric Products in Development
10. Artificial appendix
9. Electric dreadlock de-tangler
8. TV audio system that automatically adds an Italian accent
7. 3-speed back shaver
6. Secret beam that causes brains of Sylvania executives to balloon up until they burst
5. Telephone voice modulator that makes you sound like Alex Trebek
4. TV screen that makes every Cosby Kid look black
3. New patio for Robert C. Wright's house
2. Zombie monkeys who operate waffle iron
1. The vibrating pocket-buddy
92-Top 10 General Electric St. Patrick's Day Traditions
10. Sell lightbulbs in six-packs.
9. Pink slips replaced with festive green slips.
8. Executives start drinking heavily at 9 a.m. instead of usual 11 a.m.
7. Machinery emitting noxious brown fumes changed to emit noxious green fumes.
6. Drunken middle managers parade around office displaying their small appliances.
5. Willard sports a green toupee.
4. Bet employee pension fund on tonight's Celtics game.
3. Commissary serves green meat loaf.
2. Brokaw downs a pitcher of Guinness before reading each news item.
1. We all drive over to PBS and kick the crap out of Alistair Cooke.
93-Top 10 George Bush Stress Busters
10. Menthol rubdowns from Sununu.
9. Calls Mike Dukakis and asks if Lou Zer is there.
8. Makes Secret Service agents ride bicycles into White House pool and tapes it for America's Funniest Home Videos.
7. Two words: Malt Liquor.
6. Takes off pants and sits on picture of Dan Rather.
5. Picks up hitchhikers on the Beltway and tells them about his grandchildren.
4. Gives the First Lady the Ol' Presidential Pardon, if you know what I mean.
3. Relaxes with Mayor Barry.
2. Tosses horseshoes at Quayle's head.
1. Has Barbara tell him again and again how he's overcome the Wimp Factor.
94-Top 10 Good Things About Being A Really Dumb Guy
10. Never have to sit through long, boring Nobel Prize banquet.
9. Pleasant sense of relief when Road Runner gets away from coyote.
8. General Electric executive dining room has great clam chowder.
7. Get to have own talk show with Canadian bandleader.
6. Seldom interrupted by annoying request to put that in layman's terms.
5. Stallone might play you in the movie.
4. Can feel superior to really really dumb guys.
3. Maybe get to be vice president.
2. Already know the answer when people ask, What are you -- an idiot?
1. Fun bumper sticker: I'd rather be drooling.
95-Top 10 Good Things About Being In Iraq Right Nown
10. No lines at Baghdad Aqua-Park and Super Slide.
9. Get to be on CNN a lot.
8. If you have a goofball name like Saddam or Tariq, no one makes fun of you.
7. Guys filling sandbags down at the barracks know all the latest Quayle jokes.
6. Blasts from bombs might cause the veils on hot babes to fly off.
5. At least everyone has stopped talking about Twin Peaks.
4. If you're one of those people who like gigantic posters of Saddam Hussein -- the place is like Disneyland.
3. Good chance whole country could be in next What Ever Happened To? book.
2. Can party like it's 1999.
1. Still safer than New York City.
96-Top 10 Good Things about General Noriega
10. Always says Please pass the kneecap drill.
9. Generous frequent-flyer program on all drug-smuggling flights.
8. Offers comfort and reassurance to guilt-ridden riflemen in firing squads.
7. Sometimes gets misty listening to Julio Iglesias records.
6. His homemade Rice Krispie squares are the hit of every brutal interrogation session.
5. Thrifty habits have allowed him to put away several billion on modest soldier's salary.
4. Muffles screams of torture victims after 11 p.m.
3. Has world's largest collection of porcelain mice.
2. Never schedules public executions during Cosby show.
1. Gives young people who aspire to be blood-drunk lunatics someone to look up to.
97-Top 10 Good Things About John Tower
10. Looks really good in a Cub Scout uniform.
9. His name nowhere near as silly as Caspar Weinberger.
8. Uses less oxygen than normal-sized human.
7. His pledge not to drink will lessen U.S. dependence on foreign tequila.
6. Doesn't mind dancing with Barbara.
5. His several ex-wives spend their alimony on American products.
4. Can wear hand-me-downs from Bush grandchildren.
3. He uses protection.
2. The millions he's already taken from Pentagon contractors make him too rich to bribe in the future.
1. He'd put the secretary back in Secretary of State.
98-Top 10 Good Things About Leona Helmsley
10. Doesn't overburden IRS with large unwieldy tax payments.
9. Knows the first name of the hundreds of employees she's arbitrarilyfired.
8. Has remained married for years to same man she stole a fortune from.
7. She wept when the Ayatollah passed away.
6. Probably gives out better gifts than Brandon Tartikoff.
5. Once slapped an employee so hard it improved his vision.
4. At least there's no damn Leona perfume.
3. Has delighted millions with hit TV series like The Jeffersons and Amen. (Not Leona Helmsley, but Sherman Helmsley)
2. Provides inspiring role model for young tax cheats.
1. She just happens to be the woman I love.
99-Top 10 Good Things About New York
10. Can get car windows clean at every street corner.
9. New rule: Autopsy results in less than half an hour -- or it's free.
8. Annual Abandoned Auto Show.
7. Four words: Regis and Kathie Lee.
6. Commotion during mob hits at steakhouse allow you to skip out on check.
5. The Japanese keep their buildings looking nice.
4. My cabaret show -- La Cage Aux Dave.
3. 911 is a toll-free call.
2. The best-looking hookers in the world!
1. The sickening filth, deafening noise and terrifying danger offset by $3 cup of coffee.
100-Top 10 Good Things About Steroids
There are only 9 to help NBC save money because they only made a measly $80 million on the Summer Olympics.
9. They don't leave your breath all mediciney.
8. Prevent Dan Rather's voice from drifting into soprano range.
7. Keeps me from having that I-don't-fit-in feeling with my Bulgarian weightlifting pals.
6. We'll all need them to bulk up when the giant ants arrive.
5. Gives me the build I need for today's revealing fashions.
4. Great for community theater groups putting on Ibsen's The Incredible Hulk.
3. They're scrumpdillyumptious!
2. Lets me replace lame Dan Quayle jokes with lame steroid jokes for a few nights.
1. Explains Bea Arthur.