Top Ten 1990 Pt2

[mark lee]

Top 10 Reasons Mills College Girls Don't Want Men Attending - May 18, 1990

10. No more going to the library topless.
9. Annual production of Chekov's "Three Sisters" replaced by 3-day
Stooge-a-Thon.
8. Football team has perfect 0-452 record.
7. Guys often whoop and holler when words like "breast" appear in
sensitive poetry.
6. There's going to be some loser named Ned that keeps asking everyone
out.
5. They might try to free the men we use in our science experiments.
4. We're shy.
3. Afraid cafeteria walls will be covered with "Dukes of Hazzard" posters.
2. Less beer for the rest of us.
1. They tend to spit a lot.

Top 10 Ways Gorbachev Will Spend His Raise - May 22, 1990

10. Buy Hallmark's nicest "Let's be friends" card for Lithuania.
9. Go nuts at the Gap.
8. Get matching tattoo on other side of forehead.
7. Stop cheating clock on Domino's delivery guy.
6. Go on a date with Marla Maples.
5. He's going to Disney World!
4. Switch from Slim-Fast to the more expensive Ultra Slim-Fast.
3. Underwear.
2. Can finally say he would like fries with that.
1. Make it May Day every day!

Top 10 Perks of Winning the Indianapolis 500 - May 24, 1990

10. Getting showered with 10W-40 in victory lane celebration.
9. Honorary New York City taxi license.
8. Right to represent Earth in Pan-Galactic Monster Truck Rally.
7. Invitation to start Mr. Gotti's car for him.
6. Good chance of meeting Kamaar the Magician backstage at Letterman show.
5. Don't have to shut off lights and lock up speedway like guy who
finishes last.
4. Get to throw one free punch at Mr. Goodwrench.
3. Offers of employment from Domino's Pizza.
2. Trophy, bouquet of roses, and a big, wet kiss from Jim Nabors.
1. All the Valvoline a guy can drink.

Top 10 Business Tips from the President's Son - May 24, 1990

10. Demand two pieces of I.D. before loaning a guy $100 million.
9. Business cards should include name, address, and phrase "My Dad's the
President."
8. Read my lips: cheat on taxes.
7. Have old man call tactical nuclear strike on new bank across the
street.
6. Ask Quayle if he has two 10's for a 5. Repeat until you are rich.
5. Suck up to Trump.
4. Slugs usually work in White House condom machines.
3. Remind reporters that unlike Ron Reagan, Jr., you never wore leotards
in your life.
2. Big Gulp is best value at 7-Eleven.
1. If accused of bank fraud, best defense is a simple and elegant "Oops!"

Top 10 Signs School Is Out in New York City - May 25, 1990

10. Metal detectors freed up for use at public pools.
9. East River barge traffic unimpeded by floating truant officers.
8. Impossible to get tickets for big Monet retrospective.
7. Powdered mashed potato wholesaler goes on vacation.
6. Afternoon show at "Strip World" now filled with shop teachers.
5. Movie theater matinees are less crowded.
4. Extra long lines to rob Good Humor man.
3. The libraries are filled with conscientious young people keeping up
with their studies. (Sign school is out in Japan.)
2. Lots of alarms are going off.
1. Teachers beginning to heal up.

Top 10 Things in the Refrigerator of Dave's Mother - June 5, 1990

10. Milk
9. Iced tea
8. Orange juice
7. Perrier
6. Margarine
5. Lettuce
4. Watermelon
3. Cheese
2. Bacon
1. Mushrooms.

Top 10 Signs that Trump Is in Trouble - June 6, 1990

10. Had the cable company disconnect Cinemax.
9. Trump Shuttle now used to haul lumber.
8. Attracting a lower class of bimbo.
7. Recently asked advisors how they thought a "Battling Billionaire"
character would go over on the pro wrestling circuit.
6. Has been sucking up to Merv.
5. This morning, he had himself evicted.
4. Last week in 7-Eleven was heard saying, "I'm really thirsty" and yet
suspiciously did not order a Big Gulp.
3. Now does tacky embarrassing things on a much smaller scale.
2. Just got a paper route.
1. He now takes my calls.

Top 10 Jobs with More Security than Yankee Manager - June 7, 1990

10. Official car starter for Mr. Gotti.
9. Cleveland Indians World Series victory parade organizer.
8. Colombian judge.
7. Co-host on the Today Show.
6. Salesclerk, incredibly delicate porcelain vase shop, Beirut.
5. Curator of the George Plimpton Museum in Harlem.
4. Member of the New Monkees.
3. Handyman who puts new nameplate on Yankee manager's door.
2. Director of security at my house.
1. Guy who deflects things being thrown at Dan Quayle's head.

Top 10 Rejected Titles for Reagan's Memoirs - June 8, 1990

10. Still Hazy after All These Years
9. Fall Asleep Anywhere, Anytime
8. How To Make Love to a Shrewish Domineering First Lady
7. Those Parties at Mayor Barry's
6. Hey -- At Least I Didn't Pick Quayle!
5. Nancy Reagan's Autobiography of Ronald Reagan
4. 1001 Sam Donaldson Jokes
3. Uh
2. What? I'm Not Still President?
1. Hey Hinckley -- Pardon This!

Dick Tracy's Top 10 Pet Peeves - June 13, 1990

10. Two-way wrist radio keeps picking up Larry King.
9. Waiting for "Mumbles" to order in a French restaurant.
8. Wise guys who holler, "Hey! Where's the Batmobile?"
7. When McGruff the Crime Dog borrows trenchcoat and sheds in it.
6. Still haven't figured out ending of "Twin Peaks."
5. Jack Lord always bragging about weather in Hawaii.
4. People who tell off-color stories about J. Edgar Hoover.
3. When Pruneface kids you about "Ishtar."
2. When fellow cops refer to wrist radio as "bracelet."
1. Talk show hosts who pick on your sister.

Top 10 Summer Fun Tips from General Electric - June 14, 1990

10. Tie together thousands of lightbulbs; raft down the Colorado River.
9. Warm up chilly water by having kids point lots of blow dryers at the
pool.
8. Put on softball mitts; try to catch defective G.E. jet engine parts as
they drop from the sky.
7. Fire someone.
6. Try a zesty salad made from arugula and plenty of G.E. 100-watt bulbs!
5. Kids love to play "bury an expensive American-made VCR" at the beach.
4. Install an air conditioner in your oven for food so cool it's hot!
3. Liven up meetings with Defense Department auditors with dozens of
bikini-clad hookers.
2. Use your 3-speed fan to make monster daiquiris!
1. Get a G.E. toaster tan!

Top 10 Other Inventions by the Suicide Machine Doctor - June 15, 1990

10. The Craftmatic Adjustable Groin-Puller
9. The mesh parachute
8. Clorox coladas
7. The rickety ladder
6. The recipe for New Coke
5. The steel bristle retina brush
4. The Pet Rock
3. The tub toaster
2. The Denny's all-you-can-eat seafood special
1. The Popeil Pocket Suicide Machine

Top 10 Ways New York Is Getting Ready for Mandela - June 19, 1990

10. New York Harbor given a new coat of oil.
9. Paying Donald Trump $50 to pick Mandela up at airport.
8. Giant pine tree-shaped air freshener hung from Triborough Bridge.
7. NBC employees ripping up scripts of "Baywatch" to use in ticker tape
parade.
6. Finally threw a little sawdust on that big puddle of vomit in Times
Square.
5. Hot dog vendors required to wear shirts for duration of visit.
4. Set up 3-card Monte table at airport to take him for every cent he's
worth the minute he steps off plane.
3. As personal tribute, Howie Mandel adding "A" to his name for the day.
2. Steinbrenner to give Mandela honorary right to fire Stump Merrill.
1. Arrange meeting with Leona Helmsley to tell her what 28 years of prison
life will be like.

Top 10 Freak Accidents on the Today Show Set - June 20, 1990

10. Tour group mauled after teasing Willard during feeding time.
9. Makeup artist scratches arm on Deborah Norville's hair.
8. High-powered floor waxer runs wild; kills a guy.
7. Gene Shalit electrocuted by frayed mike cord; decides to leave his hair
that way.
6. Meteor plunges into Bryant's coffee cup; splashes guest George Will.
5. A series of suspicious toupee fires.
4. Unwrapping of forgotten Jane Pauley tuna sandwich knocks out several
staffers.
3. Willard attacked by rabid duck at one of those state fairs or wherever
the hell it is he goes.
2. Guest on Donahue's "homicidal pyromaniacs" segment wanders into wrong
studio.
1. Glare from Joe Garagiola's head blinds boom operator.

George Bush's Top 10 Stress Busters - June 21, 1990

10. Menthol rubdowns from Sununu.
9. Calls Mike Dukakis; asks if "Lou Zer" is there.
8. Makes Secret Service agents ride bicycles into White House pool; tapes
it for "America's Funniest Home Videos."
7. Two words: malt liquor.
6. Takes off pants; sits on picture of Dan Rather.
5. Picks up hitchhikers on the Beltway; tells them about his
grandchildren.
4. Gives First Lady the "Ol' Presidential Pardon," if you know what I
mean.
3. Relaxes with Mayor Barry.
2. Tosses horseshoes at Quayle's head.
1. Has Barbara tell him again and again how he's overcome the wimp factor.

Top 10 Things that Keep Donald Trump Awake at Night - June 22, 1990

10. Might have to borrow money from Merv.
9. Fear that if he sells Taj Mahal, new owner will turn it into a tacky
ostentatious eyesore.
8. Which Lotto number this week?
7. That chili dog he ate at Don King's.
6. Should have had clever comeback for Ted Koppel; not just, "Screw you,
melonhead!"
5. Other guys in the shelter snore.
4. Drunk houseboy Ernesto blasting car stereo while lifting weights in
garage at 2 a.m.
3. Wondering where he can get his hands on one of those suicide machines.
2. Knowing that in just a few short hours it will once again be time to
make the donuts.
1. Marla Mapels.

Top 10 Good Things about Being a Really, Really Dumb Guy - June 26, 1990

10. Never have to sit through long boring Nobel Prize banquet.
9. Pleasant sense of relief when Road Runner gets away from Coyote.
8. G.E. executive dining room has great clam chowder.
7. Seldom interrupted by annoying request to "put that in layman's terms."
6. Get to have own talk show with Canadian bandleader.
5. Stallone might play you in the movie.
4. Can feel superior to really, really, _really_ dumb guys.
3. Maybe get to be Vice-President.
2. Already know the answer when people ask, "What are you, and idiot?"
1. Fun bumper sticker: I'd rather be drooling.

Top 10 Other Campaign Promises Bush Has Broken - June 27, 1990

10. Birthday joyride on stealth bomber for every U. S. citizen.
9. Go 10 rounds with Dukakis at Trump Plaza.
8. To eat his own weight in birdseed twice a day.
7. Add mechanical shark attraction to White House tour.
6. A pony for Quayle.
5. Add Golden Girls to Mt. Rushmore.
4. To introduce a Brazilian dance craze with real staying power.
3. Provide big name guests and fresh new comedy every night. (Actually,
one of Dave's broken promises.)
2. That NBC's "Baywatch" would stay on the air forever.
1. Nude Elvis postage stamp.

Top 10 Bio-Engineering Projects in Development - June 28, 1990

10. Prairie dogs who change tires.
9. Skunk that gives off lemon-fresh scent after being flattened by a semi.
8. Sea otters who wear their fur like Pat Riley.
7. Squids that wait for the cable guy.
6. Super-intelligent dogs that really can play poker so you could just
photograph them instead of buying one of those fancy novelty paintings.
5. Dolphin who can pass the bar exam for JFK, Jr.
4. Coco Puffs bird with a calm, stable outlook on life.
3. Angry, growling, hissing marigold.
2. Mexican marital-counseling beans.
1. A grinch who steals car radios.

Top 10 Reasons the British Lost the Colonies - June 29, 1990

10. Hard to shoot straight with sissified powdered wigs falling in your
eyes.
9. Wanted to just lose New Jersey, but got carried away.
8. Colonists on steroids.
7. Spent too much time guessing who's gay in royal family.
6. Their diet: tea and crumpets. Our diet: raw squirrel meat and whiskey.
5. Serious problems with snuff abuse.
4. Lots of painful poking accidents trying to put on those pointy hats of
theirs.
3. We had Batman.
2. Wanted to get first draft choice.
1. Uninspiring battle cry: "Let's win this for our swishy inbred monarch!"

Top 10 Complaints of Dennis Thatcher - July 10, 1990

10. Secret Service guys keep roughing him up and asking who the hell he is.
9. Mrs. Mitterrand is all hands.
8. Has to keep eye on World Cup Trophy whenever Helmut Kohl goes to take a
leak.
7. He gave Margaret a list of his ideas and she just put it in her pocket
without even reading it.
6. He and Barbara Bush have same neck size.
5. Every minute Margaret is at the conference table is a minute they can't
be back at the hotel entwined in burning passion.
4. Drove all the way to Dallas for 2 Live Crew concert and they cancel the
show.
3. The way George Bush and Margaret exchange knowing looks every time
"foreign withdrawal" is mentioned.
2. Dan Quayle's lousy coffee.
1. Worried about spending so much time away from whatever the hell he does
for a living.

Top 10 Slogans for the 1992 Democratic Convention - July 11, 1990

10. OK, we're serious this time.
9. Guys stay free in Barney Frank's hotel room.
8. Get your picture taken in the Batmobile.
7. Watch the fun as Gerald Ford shows up by mistake.
6. One of our presidents dated Marilyn Monroe.
5. We're digging up Lyndon Johnson and running him again.
4. The JKF Jr. kissing booth will be there.
3. We're the party without Quayle.
2. We may date dippy blonds, drink excessively, and harbor at home male
prostitution rings, but we'd never lie about taxes, which by the way, we
plan to raise.
1. Just wait 'til '96!

Top 10 Least Popular Summer Camps - July 12, 1990

10. Camp Tick in Beautiful Lyme, Connecticut
9. Camp Geraldo
8. Backyards-of-People-Who-Don't-Seem-To-Be-Home Tenting Holidays
7. Amish Computer Camp
6. Dr. Kevorkian's Build-Your-Own-Suicide-Machine and Tennis Camp
5. Mr. & Mrs. Johnson's Camp for Kids Whose Parents Don't Love Them, Don't
Want Them Around, and Won't Even Pay for a Halfway Decent Camp
4. Gerry Cooney's Camp for Big Clumsy White Kids
3. Incontinent Palomino Western Trail Ranch
2. Camp Sissy-Boy
1. Mickey Rooney's All-Nude Outward Bound

Top 10 Punchlines to Dirty Jokes Astronauts Tell - July 13, 1990

10. "You call that Mission Control?"
9. "The Titan 2, the Saturn 5, and Cher's waterbed."
8. "Heat shields? I thought you said Brooke Shields!"
7. "30 seconds and holding -- and please keep holding!"
6. "Hey! Blame gravity!"
5. "I said Venus! Venus!"
4. "Who do I look like? Buzz Aldrin?"
3. "10, 9, 8, 7 -- oops!"
2. "It wasn't G-forces that killed that monkey."
1. "Gee, it tasted like Tang!"

Top 10 Attractions and Exhibits at the New Nixon Library - July 17, 1990

10. G. Gordon Liddy kissing booth.
9. Bust of Spiro Agnew made of Karamel Korn.
8. Petition to get Nixon's name in that Billy Joel song.
7. Sonny, Red -- give Mr. Fulton this brand new Cadillac.
6. Pant leg where Chinese pandas had a little accident.
5. Gerald Ford backyard stunt show.
4. Five o'clock shadow petting zoo.
3. Julie and Tricia petting zoo.
2. "At least I wasn't Quayle" T-shirts.
1. Ride the Tricky Dick -- tallest roller coaster west of the Rockies!

Top 10 Ways France Is Preparing for the German Reunification - July 18,
1990

10. Dialing 911.
9. Installing speed bumps to slow down Panzers.
8. Cutting bedsheets into convenient easy-to-wave white rectangles.
7. Watching twice as many Jerry Lewis movies just to keep their spirits
up.
6. Stockpiling Blistex so they can kiss plenty of German butt.
5. Printing up T-shirts that say, "Don't shoot! I'm a collaborator!"
4. Going a really, really long time without bathing.
3. Suddenly acting all chummy with Chuck Norris.
2. Practicing running backwards and blowing kisses.
1. Developing top secret stealth cheese.

Top 10 Things With the Same Statistical Probability as the Minnesota Twins
Turning Two Triple Plays in the Same Game - July 19, 1990

10. First ball of the season hurled by President actually reaches catcher
without bouncing.
9. Falling meteor crushes Ebert, spares Siskel.
8. No one within two miles wearing a Simpsons T-shirt.
7. Farrakhan named B'nai Brith Man of the Year.
6. A really, really dumb guy becomes Vice-President.
5. The Zodiac Killer turns out to be Joan Lunden.
4. Watching VH-1 for a half hour and not seeing a Phil Collins video.
3. Watching VH-1 for a half hour.
2. President Tyson.
1. The Yankees making one double play.

Pete Rose's Top 10 Prison Activities - July 20, 1990

10. Making thousands of "FAY SUX" license plates.
9. Trying to keep cellmate from getting to first base.
8. Practicing opening and closing cell door to prepare for future as
casino greeter.
7. Playing Tevye in the all-tax evader version of "Fiddler on the Roof."
6. Executing his famous head-first slide over and over until he burrows
his way to freedom.
5. Discussing George Will's baseball book with members of the Manson
family.
4. Starting the wave during prison riots.
3. Getting a cell ready for Steinbrenner.
2. Leading a seminar in scratching yourself.
1. During softball game in exercise yard, arguing with umpire, getting
thrown out of prison.

Top 10 Things George Bush Likes about David Souter - July 24, 1990

10. Wears the same size robe as Brennan.
9. Can pronounce "Sununu" without giggling.
8. Only federal judge who hasn't hit on Barbara.
7. Probably isn't the Zodiac Killer.
6. The colorful clothes he wears and the way the sunlight plays upon his
hair.
5. Helped Dan Quayle beat the rap after he killed a guy at the dog track.
4. Heard he did magic tricks like the judge on "Night Court."
3. Can do this thing where he stops an electric car window with his head.
2. He has the figure for bicycle pants.
1. Once beat the crap out of Jacoby and Meyers.

Top 10 Ways McDonald's Is More Health Conscious - July 26, 1990

10. Ronald McDonald no longer sleeping in salad bar.
9. Happy Meals no longer include a pack of Luckies.
8. When out of Shamrock Shakes, will no longer substitute mop water.
7. Decorative bowls of mercury removed from tables.
6. Counter person now asks, "Would you like the name of a heart specialist
with that?"
5. Discontinuing "Find a Rusty Nail in Your Big Mac" game.
4. New combination: salad dressing/sunblock.
3. Employees must wash hands after patting down choking victims for wallet
and jewelry.
2. Mayor McCheese excused from duty at fry machine due to wet hacking
cough.
1. Decided to drop Porksicles.

Top 10 Reasons to Fly Eastern - July 26, 1990

10. Likelihood of getting killed by Eastern plane is same whether you're in
it or not.
9. Endorsed by the Suicide Doctor.
8. No delays because of lengthy pre-flight safety checklists.
7. Pilots point out interesting landmarks when they're not yelling,
"Mayday!"
6. If you don't, Marty Shugrue will make more of those stupid commercials.
5. Eastern aircraft always get emergency landing priority.
4. Emotional greetings from loved ones even after the most routine flight.
3. Statistically safer than marrying Jerry Lee Lewis.
2. Passengers encouraged to tinker.
1. Because you're feeling lucky.

Top 10 Questions about David Souter - July 27, 1990

10. Can he lift a gavel?
9. He's not managed by Don King, is he?
8. What's with the parrot?
7. Will he do everything in his power to change America's terribly
restrictive speed limits thus allowing our most beloved television
personality to drive as fast as he wants?
6. Will he pet on a second date?
5. Where does he stand on the tastes great/less filling controversy?
4. What's his sign? (Zodiac Killer only)
3. Why are he and Batman never in the same room at the same time?
2. Does he know Wapner?
1. Who died and made him judge?

Top 10 Good Things about George Steinbrenner - July 31, 1990

10. His pink slips have smiley faces on them.
9. Never considered hiring a guy in a chicken suit.
8. Exhales carbon dioxide, which is needed by plants.
7. Except for maybe six or seven times, never fired a manager on
Christmas.
6. Every day for the past 17 1/2 years, he has left flowers on the grave
of Babe Ruth's favorite hooker.
5. Always accepts charges on phone calls if you have damaging information
on a million dollar player.
4. Will eventually die and go to hell.
3. Isn't some foreigner from Canada who comes to this country, makes tons
of money every year as a TV bandleader, and then doesn't pay one cent in
taxes.
2. He personally blew up those inflatable bat souvenirs before each home
game.
1. His stepping out of the limelight and giving his son Hank a chance to
suck.

Saddam Hussein's Top 10 Reasons for Attacking Kuwait - August 2, 1990

10. To see a nice-looking color map of Iraq on CNN.
9. Tired of the Goodwill Games hogging all the headlines.
8. Pretty sure somebody near the Persian Gulf gave him the finger.
7. Heard they were manufacturing bootleg Simpsons T-shirts.
6. To impress Jodie Foster.
5. Chemical weapons were nearing expiration date.
4. Heard rumor Jessica McClure trapped in well in Kuwait.
3. Didn't have enough fuel and supplies to attack the Moon.
2. Yeah. Like a Middle-East madman needs an excuse to invade somebody.
1. Because the sand is always grainier on the other side of the border.

Top 10 Least Exciting Superpowers - August 3, 1990

10. Super spelling
9. Lightning-fast mood swings
8. Really bendy thumb
7. Can breathe soup
6. Ability to calm jittery squirrels
5. Power to shake exactly two aspirin out of a bottle
4. Ability to get tickets to Goodwill Games
3. Power to score with other superheroes' wives
2. Ability to communicate with corn
1. Magnetic colon

Saddam Hussein's Top 10 Helpful Invasion Tips - August 7, 1990

10. Don't phone ahead.
9. Start with something easy -- like France.
8. Make sure everybody uses the restroom before your armored columns
rumble across international borders.
7. Don't feed raccoons at KOA campsites.
6. Nerve gas: don't leave home without it.
5. If Nightline calls, make sure Ted Koppel's doing show, not Forrest
Sawyer.
4. Take along a gift for the host -- for example, a puppet regime.
3. Point out that people liked the British Invasion of the '60's.
2. Bring plenty of change for the tollbooths.
1. Don't just race through a country. Take some time to smell the goats.

Top 10 Thoughts of Motorists - August 9, 1990 [A video Top 10]

10. "What are you looking at?"
9. "Greyhound thinks I have a license."
8. "You guys aren't from America's Most Wanted, are you?"
7. "I'm an excellent driver."
6. "When you're a Northwest pilot, life is a nonstop party!"
5. "I'm cleaning my oven."
4. "Are those Bugle Boy jeans?"
3. "Hey! That's my car!"
2. "That's right, pal -- its a Cadillac."
1. "One day, you're the Emir of Kuwait, the next, you're delivering
pizza."

Top 10 Categories on Iraqi Jeopardy - August 10, 1990

10. Things that won't set off airport security
9. Nicknames for sand
8. Famous Mohammeds
7. At home with Hitler
6. Games played with a human head
5. Ways to lose a hand
4. 23 letter words
3. Ayatollahs who have fallen out of their coffins
2. Sounds like "Shi'ite"
1. Broadway show tunes

Top 10 Marion Barry Campaign Slogans - August 14, 1990

10. I'm addicted -- to public service!
9. America's Funniest Home Video.
8. Just Say Yes.
7. ** Sorry, VCR glitch. **
6.
5. Let's put a little Colombia into the District of Columbia.
4. Hey -- Here's your Justice Department, pal!
3. He'll get the hookers off the streets -- and into the hotel rooms.
2. Imagine the victory party!
1. I'm Barry Barry sorry.

Top 10 Ways Khadafy Can Regain Title of World's Most Insane Leader - August
15, 1990

10. Eat his own foot in front of Newsweek reporter.
9. Hijackings every hour on the hour.
8. Put inflated surgical glove on head at press conference.
7. Buy stock in Eastern Airlines.
6. Go on cross-country car trip with Joe Piscopo; ask, "Do you do
impressions?"
5. Continually ask himself, "What would Curly do?"
4. Appoint Quayle Vice-President.
3. Open a retail electronics store and sell stuff at prices so low he's
practically giving it away!
2. Marry Cher.
1. Try the McRibs.

Top 10 Words Used Least Frequently in CIA Reports on Saddam Hussein -
August 16, 1990

10. Huggable
9. Busty
8. John Tesh-obsessed
7. Amish
6. Stoogeophile
5. Fahrvergnugen
4. Bitchin'
3. Yankee fan
2. Sane
1. Drop-dead gorgeous

Top 10 Ways the Emir of Kuwait Passes Time - August 17, 1990

10. Calling 911 to report his country stolen.
9. Sitting alone in Hilton lounge arranging maraschino cherry stems to
spell, "Iraq sucks."
8. Waiting on tables; going to auditions.
7. Writing a novel about an exiled Arab ruler who falls in love with a
rich American chick.
6. Enjoying free pizza after free pizza from Dominos.
5. Memorizing all the lyrics to "American Pie."
4. Listening to wife say for millionth time, "I told you we should have
had an army!"
3. Flogging the camel -- if you know what I mean.
2. Lots of long luxurious bubble baths.
1. Night manager at Riyadh Burger King.


Two weeks missing due to vacation (and roommate who screwed up the VCR
programming)


Top 10 Reasons New York City Would've Been a Good Site for the Olympics -
September 18, 1990

10. No shortage of starter pistols.
9. Already have cute mascot -- Lou the Giant Rat.
8. New York Yankees set tone for amateur athletics.
7. Eternal flame ceremony enhanced by mile-long parade of arsonists.
6. Would give city's cab drivers chance to root in person for their home
countries.
5. Exciting new exhibition sport: turnstile jumping.
4. Extra traffic easily handled by city's clean and efficient monorail
system.
3. Room for out-of-town visitors at Letterman's place.
2. Fun for Olympians to compare neck burns where gold medals used to be.
1. Hudson River practically made for synchronized swimming.

Top 10 Rejected NFL Team Names - September 19, 1990

10. The Opticians
9. The Groinpullers
8. The Fragile Porcelain Mice
7. The Fightin' Amish
6. The Blood-Swollen Ticks
5. The Velveteen Rabbits
4. The Referee Killers
3. The Soft Angora Sweater-Wearing Debutantes
2. The Greasy Ferrets
1. The Highly Paid Dumb Guys

Top 10 Changes in the Mustang Ranch Now that It's Owned by the Government -
September 20, 1990

10. Airbags installed in headboards of all beds.
9. Popular "whipped cream treatment" now uses government surplus cheese.
8. A simple half and half now involves hours of paperwork.
7. Chipped beef on toast.
6. Marion Barry once again interested in government work.
5. Easygoing low-pressure atmosphere maintained by experts from Postal
Service.
4. Etching of naked women replaced by clown paintings by Gerald Ford.
3. Name changed to Fort Dix.
2. Main gate marked by billboard of pantless Uncle Sam.
1. T-shirts in gift shop say: "I got screwed by the government."

Mrs. Hussein's Top 10 Tips for Keeping Your Husband Happy - September 21,
1990

10. Assure him he's just as maniacal as the day you met.
9. Leave little notes in his holster.
8. A little Woolite gets poison gas from most of your fine washables.
7. Tell him you look like Michelle Pfeiffer. Never take your veil off.
6. Double date with the Khadafys.
5. Freshly pressed slacks make a nice impression on forcibly detained
civilians.
4. Always offer to go first through a minefield.
3. When bowling keep telling him, "Boy, those pins really fly when you hit
them!"
2. Lull in your love life? Blow up a car.
1. Goat casserole -- and plenty of it!

Top 10 Surprises in the Kruschev Tapes - September 25, 1990

10. Rosenbergs also gave KGB formula for McDonalds' secret sauce.
9. Started Cuban missile crisis to impress Kim Novak.
8. Instigated long-term Soviet plan to destabilize New York Yankees
management.
7. First documented use of phrase, "It's Hammertime."
6. Castro? Gay.
5. Duet with Kenny Rogers.
4. Had names for each of his facial warts.
3. Bonus 30 minutes of his proven "Stop Smoking Now" technique.
2. Dreamed of ground-breaking primetime show featuring cops that sing.
1. Most frightening moment in his life: seeing Brezhnev naked.

Top 10 Things Overheard at the Cincinnati Maplethorpe Obscenity Trial -
September 26, 1990

10. Ewww! Gross!
9. May I once again request that the District Attorney refrain from
giggling?
8. What the hell is Al Sharpton doing here?
7. Why, Rusty the bailiff -- he's trembling!
6. Thanks for taking a personal interest in this case, Congressman Frank.
5. Didn't he get burned stirring his coffee that way?
4. And these were taken by the Hubble telescope?
3. Hey, how about these Bengals?
2. Wait a minute -- that's Neil Bush!
1. No, no -- I said subpoena!