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[patrick_darcy]

MIND GAMES, IN THE KEY OF C CHAPTER ONE
AUTHOR: PATRICK DARCY AN ACT OF KINDNESS

February 13, 1996. Today I begin the book. First draft begins. Fire for
effect.

LOVE IS ALL YOU NEED
LOVE IS ALL YOU NEED
LOVE IS ALL YOU NEED
LOVE IS..... Beatles

It began about twelve years ago. I was living in a duplex and over the years
it seemed I had somehow outgrown the place. The thought of moving almost
made
me cringe. But I knew that if I was to continue to grow that I had to do
just
that. I then contacted several of my customers to see what they had
available
in a three bedroom unit. I looked around in Austin and found this pretty
decent house for lease. I had been working for this particular company for
several years, and they were one of my largest clients. They had always
been
trying to get me to move into one of their homes. And I thought why not.
Always in the past I had never rented from one of my customers. I thought
that if the business for whatever reason went bad then I would be stuck
living in a home that was rented to me by someone that I used to work for.
Anyway I decided to check to see what they had. After several different
stops
I found this old house. As I walked through the place I acquired a feeling
of
calm. This was an older place and it just seemed to fit. It wasn't quite as
nice as where I was living already but I liked it just the same. Maybe
more.
There were all these trees and with three bedrooms I could have the
darkroom
and the weight room I had always wanted. I decided that this was it. I
returned to the management company and told them that I wanted to take it.
After filling out what seemed like reams of papers I was now set. I paid
the
money and started to move in. I hired a homeless man to help me move. What
a
chore this was. A house full of stuff and three cars. I just hate moving.
Better settle in for a while. Once this was done and everything was put
up and my house was ready I sat down. Everything was in its place. There
was
a sense of being alone. Too much organization. To me to be too organized is
not what I have strived for. I think a little mess here and there is much
better than perfection. There was a sense, a feeling that something was
missing. After awhile I realized what was wrong. I needed some company.
While feeling alone and wondering what to do about it I thought, well, a
women would be nice, but that would take too long and besides, I might make
a
bad pick. No, I needed something less expensive and something that was
easier
to train. How about a dog. Yea, a great big dog. The next day I drove on
down
to the local humane society to find one. As I pulled up to the place a
feeling of sadness came over me. There were people there that were actually
dropping off their dogs. I just couldn't believe it. I would never give up
my
dog if I had one. Never. I looked around and saw where I needed to go and
went. With all the people in the place , and with all the dogs barking I
soon
realized that to get a dog you first had to find the one you wanted. I went
up and down the aisles with cages on both sides looking for a dog just for
me. I found so many of them that I just felt like I wanted to take them all
home with me, or at least set them free from this prison, give them a
chance
, give them a chance to live. They only had three days to find homes. Three
days and death. Because I felt bad about them going to die, I didn't know
which one I wanted to save. That is before I walked down an aisle and there
was this puppy. He was sort of sad looking and as I walked by his cage
almost
missing him altogether he started to howl. I stopped and looked in, there
he
was, this big white puppy about ten to fifteen pounds. He just looked at me
with those big brown eyes. I couldn't look any further. I looked around and
there weren't any people around so I just opened his cage and got inside
with
him. He just loved that. He started to jump around and he wanted to play.
He
even wanted to shake hands. This was great. A big white dog, just a puppy
and
he was practically trained already. I remember the people walking by and
feeling sort of silly for being in the cage with the dog. It seemed that
when
people would walk by and see us they would look at me kind of funny and
walk
on. I told the dog that I would be right back and not to worry, soon he
would
have a home to go to. I exited the cage and wrote down it's number. I got
the
number and waited in line to have my turn. When I finally had my turn I
was
told that the dog had already been spoken for. What a blow. After all this
trouble and the dog I picked had already been picked by someone else. The
lady at the counter told me that I could come by the next day at ten
o`clock
and if the other people that wanted him didn't come back then I could have
em. The next day I was there way before ten a.m . As soon as they opened I
had to wait for a while and then finally they let me in. I immediately went
to his cage and guess what? He was gone. I looked in the other cages around
his, just in case I had made a mistake and still I couldn't find him. I
thought that maybe someone had moved him. I started to look in the cages on
one side of the place and looked in every single cage there was and still
no
dog. I then went to the other building and looked in all of the cages that
were there. And again still no dog. I went back to the office and waited in
line. When my time finally came again I explained that the dog I wanted
wasn't where he was suppose to be. The lady in the office did some checking
but nobody knew where he was. Oh no! He was lost. The search began. I went
looking in all the cages to locate the dog again, and while I was doing
this
the people in the office began to search elsewhere. It turned out that one
of
the men that worked there decided that he needed a bath. He was found. He
wasn't completely dry yet, but at least we knew where he was. I paid my
money
and promised to do all the good dog things that they make you do at these
places. They gave me a leash and we started to leave. My new dog didn't
seem
to want to mind me too well. I thought, this little guy just tricked me. In
his cage he was perfect, outside he was awful. I managed to get his leash
on
and out the door we went. After a little struggle that I won we managed to
get into the car. Presto, as soon as we were in the car the dog jumped
right into the front seat just like he owned the place. He kept pushing up
besides me and positioned himself to look out the back window. Because he
had
been in the dryer for a while but not for long enough to be completely dry,
he sort of smelled kind of funny, so I opened up the windows to let in some
fresh air. He immediately jumped on to the door and stuck his head out the
window. He would always do this when we would go someplace. We had a fun
drive home, especially with the people passing us up and looking at my dog
with his head out the window. As I pulled up in the drive, my dog
decided to jump out the window and then started running around in the yard.
I
had a little talk with him and he learned he just couldn't do that. He
seemed
to learn rather quickly. We both seemed to be rather pleased with each
other.
We got along just great and he seemed to be told certain things just once
and
would learn. That was true about nearly everything, but not about staying
out
of the trash. He would always wait till I was not looking or out of the
room
and then he would sneak and get in the trash. I didn't seem to ever break
him
of this bad habit. Luckily he didn't have very many of them. When he wanted
attention or anything else he would make a strange noise. Sort of like
this.
Argghhh. When he did this he would usually get what he wanted. I was being
very well trained. Oh well, it was fun. We did a lot of things together and
life was great. One of the funny things about him was that he grew up to be
about seventy five pounds. He just seemed to keep growing and growing. We
used to get in the car and sometimes we would go to the area lakes and
parks.
Sometimes in the summer when it was really hot I would take him to bull
creek. When we would pull up and I would park the car he would sit and have
a
fit till I said Okay, and then he would jump out of the car and check out
the
place. Even though he was so big and furry, you see he was a Samayed, he
never liked the water much. I threw him into the river a few times here and
there and he always just swam right back out. He did like to lay in the
water
if it was six inches or so deep but any more deep then this and he just
wouldn't get in. I used to splash him with water to cool him down, but no
matter what he just never became a swimmer. The best thing he did when we
were out was drawn attention to us. Every time a women would see him and he
her he would go over and sit down and want to shake hands. They just loved
him for that. I had met many people because of him. We were just about
perfect for each other. We had so many wonderful times together. Me and my
dog. About eleven years later it came time to move. The owner of my house
wanted to remodel it and put it on the market, so we began to search for a
new place to live. George, who lived across the street said he could use a
roommate. He said he wasn't a big dog fan but that he could deal with us. I
had a few discussions about us becoming roommates and even though I knew
better than to move in across the street, I did it anyway. One of the
things that told me not to move in was a few days before I was to do it I
brought my dog over to get used to being there more and more. In the past
when I visited, my dog would just go home whenever he felt like it. He
would
dig holes under the fence or if the gate was open he would just leave and
go
home and wait for me at the door. I knew that I had to make him want to
stay
there. I then informed George that I needed to do some dog training over at
his place. He said OK. When it was late that night I had my dog on the
outside of the sliding glass door and I was sitting on the inside. I
decided
to lay on the carpet for awhile so he could see me and hopefully not want
to
leave. I then told myself that I was NOT going to fall asleep. It then grew
later and I got a little tired. I grabbed a pillow from off the couch so I
could be a little more comfortable. I then decided to rest my eyes, just
for
a minute. The next morning I awoke and couldn't believe what I had done. I
looked out and there he was. My dog didn't even run away. He seemed to know
this was his new home. Also before I moved in I was painting the house (the
interior). When George came in from work that afternoon he sat down and
sort
of looked at me kind of funny. I just kept on painting. George kept looking
at me kind of funny and then finally I thought , well come on and say it,
you've definitely have something to say. I was informed that being that my
rent didn't start for three or four more days that he decided that I owed
him
six dollars and twenty five cents , the rent for sleeping on the floor. I
was
furious. I informed him that if I was to pay the money that he would need
to
pay me for painting the place and for cleaning the carpet. Good grief. What
a
fool. I knew this was a mistake but I was committed. The only clue was the
look on his face when he was distressed. I did it anyway. Sometimes in
your
life, for no apparent reason you know that a decision you are making is
wrong. You don't know why a simple decision of where to live seems to be so
ominous. You do it anyway. When this happens you get what we will call a
puzzle. There had been other things that told me not to move in. I did it
anyway. I knew George had problems getting along with others, but I did it
anyway. George and I had had so many disagreements in the past and still I
did it anyway. I didn't have much in common with George and yet I was drawn
in. I was aware from the start this was not for me and still I did it
anyway.
Have you ever met someone who you really didn't want to be around, for all
their negativity and yet you did it anyway. What a puzzle. And soon I was
to
find out. For months before he died it seemed I could feel his presence
wane.
Some days he was strong and some days he was weak. In the warmth of summer
we
would play and sometimes while playing he would lose his strength, and
stumble, and fall. But always he would get back up and go again. The
moments
we had in the last few months of his life were the best. When you know your
are going to lose something you love you learn to appreciate it the more. I
would sit with him sometimes and think of all the good times. I could see
occasionally the loss of brightness in his eyes and sometimes could feel
the
dimming of his mind. Occasionally I could speak to him and he seemed to not
know who I was. He seemed to lose his awareness, but only for short periods
of time. This was something I would learn to live with, never to enjoy, but
would accept as inevitable. When around others I would always act as if
nothing was ever wrong and life was beautiful. For it really was. On a few
occasions while others were around he would lose his strength and it was at
these times I felt my worst, not wanting to burden others with what was on
my
mind and not knowing how to tell anyone of how I felt or even the purpose
of
telling anyone. What was the point. He was going to die anyway. He was my
glorious, big, white dog, my companion when I brought him along and my
friend
, and always ready to listen. His name was Zeiss, and now my story begins.
It
was warm that day in Austin, The summer days always seem to be so warm. I
got
up from bed, took my shower and checked on Zeiss. He seemed to be fine. He
was playful and funny and when I let him back in the house he immediately
waited for me to leave for a minute and got in the trash and made a mess
all
over the place. I didn't get upset with him but told him not to do it
again.
Just like all the other times. I put Zeiss outside and gathered my stuff
for
work. I do several kinds of work. I clean carpets for a living and I am
also
a photographer. In my photography I most of the time mix things together to
get a glorious picture. My work looks like it is really there, but the
reality of it is that most of my photography is fantasy. Sort of almost
surreal, I had five or six carpets to clean and had a pretty good day. My
customers seemed to be in rather good spirits and I worked and sweated and
worked some more. I felt great. When I came home things seemed to be so
right. Zeiss hadn't had a bad day in a while and I had put his dying out of
my mind. After I came home and did some every day chores my roommate and
some
other friends were there. We were all having a good time and then it
happened. Zeiss went down. This time he was not to get up again. As he lay
on
the floor I tried talking to him and tried to comfort him. In the past when
this would happen I could always talk him back to me, but this time it was
not meant to be. When you know and wish against it, but there seems nothing
you can do, hang together, never waiver, for when someone or something
gives
you years of love, there could come a time to repay. By giving fully and
holding back nothing for yourself you will learn. You will learn that the
more you give the more you will always get back. You will learn that all
painful things come to pass. When you give your all and ask for nothing,
when
you do as you must, when you feel the pain and you push forward you will
have
what we will call "An Act Of Love". Our friends left and as the night
wore
on , us alone, talking and laughing and remembering the good times, the
time
came to take care of my responsibility. Zeiss was making a small
noise, "Wuf
Wuf " as if to say I understand what you must do and I love you in a dog
sort
of way. Whatever he was saying, I wouldn't have missed it for the world.
This
was the time to do what was painful and sad, but do it I must. Life is not
always laughter and fun. Sometimes there are serious things that must be
done. Anyway I put Zeiss in the car and started to drive to the vet. As
soon
as he was in the car and we were leaving he stopped making that noise. He
struggled to get up in the seat and put his head out the window but just
couldn't do it. He lay there and I kept on driving. When I pulled into the
emergency room that night there were others there with their pets. Some of
them were crying, because they had to put their animals to sleep. If you
don't want to see a sad bunch of people don't go to the animal emergency
room
at two or three o'clock in the morning. I went outside to sit with Zeiss
and
smoke a cigarette, trying to find a way out of this situation. I looked at
Zeiss and knew there was no way out and I said a few words to him. These
words I will keep to myself. I caught my breath and took him inside. There
were too many people in there so I laid him on the floor and waited for
someone to come to the front desk. None of the people in the place had much
to say. It seemed sort of strange to me that so many people could be in
such
need of being talked to and yet no one spoke . In a few minutes someone
came
to the desk and I told them that I had called earlier and that I was there
to
put my dog to sleep. They told me to wait for a little while. I did and
then
a vet came over to see Zeiss and when he bent down to check him Zeiss
barked
and bit him. This was the first time Zeiss had ever bitten anyone in his
life. Good for him. We picked him up and took him into this room and
everyone
left. They left so we could have some time together. I was feeling terrible
about now. I got this feeling of being very much alone. Loneliness is not a
feeling I hardly ever get but I sure had it now. The door opened and three
people came in. They weighed Zeiss so that they would know how much drug to
give him. I just went along with what they were doing. I asked them if they
were sure that he wouldn't feel any pain and they assured me he would not.
They tied his leg and gave him an injection. Almost instantly he was dead.
Zeiss just slumped in my arms and it was over. My glorious dog was no more.
I
paid to have him taken care of because I didn't have a place to bury him.
Once this was over I looked at him and actually felt good. I knew his time
had come and I had done what was necessary. While he was laying there I
looked at him very carefully. He seemed to be at peace. No more pain, no
more
loss of memory, no more falling down. I burned this picture in my mind,
never
to forget. I drove home it seemed as if in a daze. I really couldn't hear
the
radio playing and what traffic there was seemed almost not to exist. I
realized at this point just how attached to my dog I had become. This was a
scary feeling because for years I felt that I would never become attached
to
anyone or anything again. Just goes to show that you can be wrong. When I
got
home I put on some music and smoked a joint. I sat there and remembered the
good times we had had. I remembered the years of giving he had for me. I
felt
sad and good at the same time. I had loved my dog and would always remember
him well. Soon I was asleep. The next morning I awoke and the whole house
was
full of dog fur. I guess when an animal is about to die they can sometimes
lose their fur. I vacuumed up all the hair and got ready for work. The
house
seemed different this morning. There was a sense of emptiness. One that I
have never ever enjoyed. I was out the door and into my work. As my good
fortune would have it, I was extra busy working this day. It seemed the
more
I worked the better I felt and the better I felt the more I wanted to work.
My customers seemed to be in good spirits and the day went quite well. When
my work day was over I drove home and pulled up to the curb. There were
some
cars there of some of our friends. I sat in the car for a little while and
then I sort of broke down. I just couldn't go inside. My room mate George
was
there and he had a way of saying the wrong thing at the right time. I
didn't
want to take the chance in front of other people that he would say
something
rude. I drove to the store and bought a soda and came home. I took the
chance
and hoped for the best. True to what I had learned to expect George asked
me
in front of our guests where Zeiss was at. I responded by saying that he
could probably guess, being that I was there and he wasn't. We had a few
words and I then remembered the night before. I remembered with a smile on
his face how he told me I could borrow his gun and shoot Zeiss in the head.
I
remembered how he told me his brains would go all over the yard. And when
he
mentioned with a laugh and that smile on his face to be sure and put a
pillow
in front of the gun, so that the brains would not splash all over me, my
energy just seemed to almost vanish. He had told me that this had always
worked for him.. He told me how this just couldn't fail. And he was
absolutely right. Even though his honesty, as brutal as it was, was not
something he really expected me to do, I felt myself slip, my anger gave
way
to despair. I knew this person had never been my friend, but even I was
amazed at how cold and disgusting this human being really was. In a moment
when you'd expect the most callous of minds to give you a break this one
chose to attack. Something died that day. For the first time in my life I
realized I had met a being with absolutely no positive value. At least for
me. Another piece to my puzzle had been presented. We will call this
"Learning how to deal with the Dark Side" One of my better friends stepped
in
at some point and told me that he felt that Zeiss had been a great dog and
that he couldn't have had a better owner than me. These are the words that
seemed to make me feel so sad at the time, but would later come in handy
when
it was my time to rebuild. It was comforting to know that there are those
people out there that live their own wonderful full lives and yet will take
a
moment to stop and give. To give when they feel the need is there. To give
and ask nothing in return. This is what we will call "AN ACT OF KINDNESS".
For this I will never forget. I realized that the world would be mine again
some day. I just knew it would. But at this point I wanted nothing more
than
to be alone. I felt betrayed by someone who even though I knew I couldn't
trust and had learned to guard against, still had managed to make such an
impression on me. Another piece to the puzzle. But for now I wanted nothing
more than to be left alone. I now was in my own little world. Just me and
memories. I wanted nothing more. And I got exactly what I wanted. Remember
that you can have a sort of control over others by just being negative.
There
is no value to this and there are no rewards to this. Even though this will
get you by for the moment, be careful, for this is robbing others of their
energy. While it may seem to make you feel better to make others feel bad,
this will not continue long. Look out, for if you do this you will pay the
price. For with every ounce of energy in my being, I will change the rules.
I
will stack the deck against those that try to rob from others. I will not
rest till this is done. I will make this my quest. And I will not rest
till
I have accomplished my goal. Remember the price is very steep and pay you
will. For this is a rule of the Universe.

--
Patrick Darcy
Love, just think about it