i'm so mad i can barely type
but don't confuse this for wretchedness
'cause there's no way to make this right

you don't get to replace a father, or a sister.
hell you can kinda replace a father with a husband
but a sister - and the thing is, i have an older sister
and she is a stranger to me.

but my baby sister ... i can't replace her.

i was kinda mad that i'd never be able to have my own home like i had
before i was fucking stupid enough to listen to you or tim because i
thought i'd have to take care of my sister for the rest of my life.

and there were problems ... but i realized that with her savings and
my income, we could actually own our own home!

and we were gonna buy the house on suncrest street. i talked to my old
landlord. but we went to look at the house and it was ... dead.

it was so bad ... i mean it was basic when i first moved in ... oct
93. right when things were blooming with bob and my writing. i had my
dream boyfriend who sang songs for me and i was some writing star in
college.

after my son was arrested ... i never felt like i was the same after
that but it was okay 'cause he was okay. we were all okay.

and i remember the first time bob and the band came to my house ...
they called it 'jo town' and i had barely begun to work my magic on
it. and it was already amazing. 'cause i was there.

i had adjusted last summer ... i would grow old with my sister. i mean
ever during the golden days, i figured that at one point, i'd have to
bring my sister in, you know? that was our story. the little ones.

and she took me in ... and that summer you got all interested in me
suddenly - after so long of leaving me hanging - and i met tim. and i
gave up not just a home, but a refuge for my family.

it wasn't until i moved in with tim, that things got really bad for
lolo and my sister. because lolo couldn't just hop on the carrick bus
and come see me. and those two years led to my sister wanting to end
her own life.

so yeah ... i'm only beginning to grasp why you felt so guilty. why
you thought you had to stay so far away from me. how you coudln't
stand to see the result of all of this.

and ... we die when we can. i get that ... but i swear to god i'm
starting to think that if i would have never trusted you men, my
sister would be alive and driving me crazy but we'd still be silly and
okay.

so  you run from me ... and tell me it's so you don't hurt me anymore?
i don't know ... i always trusted you to do what you had to but i'm
really starting to wonder and then i marvel at my own insignicance and
stupidity for thinking you even give a fuck. i mean

you ... the poet. the great canadian - the greatest canadian, right?
and you know ... you know you're not. but wow you'd sell me up the
river for a lie. for a fucking lie.

and i can't help but feel that i'm at YOUR mercy.
that only YOU can break this spell.

that i am CURSED until YOU DEAL WITH THIS.

your side of the story
that's all i want

dick

i am SO MAD AT YOU

i have never felt a hole in me like i have now.
never such unending sorrow ... and i'd be okay but other shit keeps
happening to dig it in and

yeah

so reformed, are you?

at my expense ... i know what i gave you

i knew you needed it - well i didn't even know it but i had a feeling
and maybe ... and if it was even a maybe, then i had to

oh i had to anyway

but i know now ...

no i'm still guessing but i do ... yeah.
during the hard times you probably miss like your first love,
well ... you needed me.

i guess you still do

you need me to say it's okay
and i can't

cause this hurts too much

tim ... okay. okay ... i could make that right ... i could strengthen
myself against that rejection. rejection - no problem. but the
death ...

well.

you know i need you
and well ... i don't even read email. it's been a month.
i just disappeared on facebook

because I HAVE NOTHING LEFT

redeem me
and your own redemption will finally feel real

i'm so stupid ... fuck it.

i just pray god ends this mess quickly and once and for all.

god knows ... he made a mistake ... he over-estimated our strength to
exceed his own power while punishing us for following directions to do
just that.

he knows now ... how powerless we truly are for we are not gods.
he knows now

yeah ... so i pray 'end this earth now with its ugly beauty'
and love will be all that is left

and in another life ... well

tim gets off scott free doesn't he?
at least you feel bad ... he kinda does but not really

no one died in his life. nothing.
he has a promotion at work and is going to india, china, france

yeah ... world traveler for work and miserable as ever

yeah he's fine. he still has a home. a community

so do you

and i'm just ... thrashing about

fuck it