hel p

[whorella mundane]

since i don't know how i'm supposed to face this life without her, i
don't know anything and i didn't mean to do anything wrong. the
landlord ... never heard from him on friday. okay. FINE

then last night ... last night ... stars fell from his face just
looking at me ... so fun. so kind. so unusual. so ... wow.

so ... we did start kissing and yet we did not finish kissing and
neither did i think that should go on this morning but i am so used to
being the one rejected that i don't even know if i rejected him 'cause
i'm thinking not. okay ... i didn't roll around with him but i was
still there. i mean really?

then i think ... dang. so if you don't do *that* then what? i'm
useless? or is he feeling wounded? so i went down there before the
football game and he acted like i wasn't even there.

talking to vicki yesterday ... remembering ... missing ... aching so
alone so lost and then the landlord is in my house and i thanked him
so much for everything and i was crying but not too much and it was
great and yet ... now it's like yesterday didn't happen and i just
wanted to go down there to make he and i were good. and he said "yes"
but in that way like he was pretending he didn't know what i was
talking about.

so you got no where to go from there. if he won't even acknowledge the
validity of the question ... then to him, nothing happened. and if
nothing happened, there's nothing to talk about.

i guess i'm stupid for expecting a man to be friends with me and just
cuddle - but i'm fucked because i'm like a wild cat and then go "let's
cuddle" and he thought it was funny until he knew i was serious but
how do you know if i'm ever serious?

so what did i do? it was like a first date - but I DON'T DATE. so i
think ... maybe he's all all-or-nothing or just scared or just bored
already.

i can't take it ... the back and forth and the not-talking and all the
choppy waters of kissing and i'm spent. my tummy hurts. i don't know.

i just throw my hands up in the air ... i don't know what to do.
i'm sorry if i did anything wrong but i can't even say that 'cause it
never happened