old piece of shit post: should old acquaintance be forgot

[whorella mundane]

if i'm supposed to be doing something other than what i am doing, and
if it's supposed to be important, then god is going to have to remove
all ambiguity about my um purpose.

i remember last year ... i fought with my sister 'cause her kitchen
was really messy and i finally just wigged and started cleaning and
told her to shut up and go sit down. and i cleaned the walls,
cupboards - and i know it was anarchy to her. and that, for her to
stand there while i moved things and threw things away without her
watching, was horrible.

and we had watched "hoarders" and the show taught me about how
stressful it is to have someone come in and start moving your shit and
cleaning, and i tried to go easy and ...

she just didn't want to have to owe anyone anything. she wanted to be
able to take care of herself on her own. that was the annoying part
for me. but under it all - i'll never forget the day i went over to
her house because she had asked me to come over and wash her pots and
pans, because her right shoulder was messed up and she couldn't scrub
things.

so i did ... but part of why she got upset was that she didn't trust
me and it's little wonder. she trusted nothing and she had good
reason. so she didn't want me alone in the kitchen - god only knew
what i'd be doing. throwing things away ... but anyway so i washed the
pots and pans and kept cleaning - and she got really pissed and goes
"what are you doing?" and i said "i figured i'd finish the dishes and
clean up a little since i'm here" and she freaked and goes "I DIDN'T
ASK YOU TO DO ANYTHING ELSE" and i remember getting pissed like ...
arg!

every time i tried to help her, it was a confrontation. like i was
doing something to fuck her off and all i was doing, was trying to
help. and i'm not sure what i said back - something like "jesus christ
i'm just trying to help you" and ... she turned red and was so upset
and started crying ... and this all shocked me.

and she was screaming/crying and said, "you don't know how guilty it
makes me feel to see you cleaning up after me. how much it hurts that
i can't do this myself because i don't want to have to bother you
'cause i know you have other shit to do." and i was stunned. i never
realized ... i mean no one came to my house and started cleaning and i
can't imagine stopping them!

but for her ... she was so proud and she was so used to taking care of
everything and everyone, and for her to sit in her chair while she
heard me cleaning, was horrific. the helplessness. the guilt. and
humiliation.


blah