don't forget ... what?
Whorella Mundane
to writing about the more systemic matters but right now i am thrown
back in this thing i never could figure out waaa.
DON'T FORGET WHAT? and in two songs he's repeating someone's questions
"if i ask you a question are you gonna lie to me? cause if that's your
question, that one is easy." but he never answers.
sometimes i get the feeling that he's like 'oh that one's easy. of
course i'm gonna lie to you.' and then other times - well the song is
so pretty and the way the guitars just fall in and out like some cool
jazz. it just makes me see this high school dance with paper flowers
and construction paper garland and a mirror ball. sitting there in a
yellow chiffon dress waiting for someone to ask me to dance. the song
is so innocent so of course he's not going to lie and i hear him sing
it like 'oh this one's easy. i'm not going to be stupid enough to lie
to you. that's not what this is.' and yet what is pretending?
satan pretended to love me. but see when gordie sings I CAN PRETEND I
CAN PRETEND like he wants to pretend so much and satan just wasn't
benefitting enough. being with me wasn't enough. i wasn't famous enough
for him. yeah i was psychotic. that's what happens when you try
believing lies. you don't know what to believe anymore. and i lost a
sense of self. it blew. spain sucked. but goride ...
wow i just saw this strange light ... like someone was standing outside
my living room door. i mean inside the house. and the door's not locked
and i don't even care. back to gordon downie.
one of the first things he asked me, the first thing as far as i
remember, was 'if you've been to all of these shows why is this the
first time we're meeting?' and i answered 'i'm shy.' and he was
speechless! yeah i know i don't appear so shy and even that night i
just screamed out his name. even madge was shocked. so was i! but it
was like the most natural thing. there was my buddy gordon downie! so i
just walked up to him and stuck my hand out and wow when gordon downie
says "at last we meet' well you shiver in yer boots!
but when i had to call him, i was breathless. couldn't breathe. and
that night when we were fucking around playing passout drunk in pajamas
and kept calling him and hanging up, well suddenly madge's face grew by
a foot and she goes 'gordon? gordon downie?' and i couldn't breathe. i
mean to the point where i was in pain and thought i might die. i
couldn't breathe. literally. i thought he was going to kill us for
calling so late and letting the phone ring and hanging up several times
before he picked up. oh such silly girls.
and i was like 'oh god he may not want to talk to me and then i'll die
but have to pretend like i'm not.' but he did! and kept saying 'right
on' and shit! oh what a memory. what a movie. how many girl's dream is
that? and we jumped around like idiots after i hung up. i did not keep
him on the phone long. 8 minutes according to the phone bill. i still
have the tape from my answering machine when he called me. he rambled!
yes he did! oh i love him.
anyway ... two words he insists we don't forget: don't forget? and all
day in the back of my mind i'm like "what is the 'don't forget' song?"
all songs are one song? and it's don't forget. don't forget what? just
tell me please. and the lie to me thing. that one's easy. of course
he's not going to lie. that's a no-brainer. and yet it's all about
pretending which, like i said, is more about wishing and hoping than
deception so a lie isn't always a lie. it's a story your heart needs.
so what the fuck am i going to do with all of this? well. i still don't
have my prices. and i'm a really strong swimming so there is no drop
off. and i float pretty effortlessly! the lean sink. when i did get
moving on this book over the summer before my harddrive violated my
world, before my ... compass was lost ... i'm sorry but there's just no
one who does what he does.
i was watching 'storytellers' with pearl jam with lolo and i love eddie
vedder. i love his voice. the faces he makes. and mostly what he's
trying to do with his music. what he's trying to keep alive in his rock
and roll. but gordon downie has this intesity and is just ... so funny.
and yet so smart and the way he dances and shit ... i see people who
are kinda wiggy like him but none of it seems as authentic as gordie
yet i know not everyone would see it that way.
yeah once the old boyfriend was here and the hip were on and he goes
'who's this?' and i go 'the tragically hip' and he goes "they sound
like REM only good." and i loved him for that!
oh man i can't help but loved a fucked up man. and this guy had the
most bizarre sexual history and was just ... has this offensiveness
about him. this bluntness and impatience with people but he always
loved me and madge and we'd see this real soft side of him. but i had
no plans on falling in love with him.
his wife threw him out and he just wanted to hang out with someone and
so many people can't take his shit so he didn't have many places to go.
so i'd be like 'well all i do is write and watch the walton's so we did
that for months and he'd bring me dinner and i was like a therapist and
i'd say such beautiful things to him that he would sit there looking at
me with tears in his eyes. i was breathing life into his soul. i did
... say what you will about it but i can do that. inflate some souls.
and one night he gave me a kiss goodnight. well he was married and i
knew him for ten years and you know me. no married men. don't give it
an inch in my head. but she threw him out and after months after
hanging out with him, i liked him. we never argued and shit. i could
always go toe to toe with him. he's the head of PR for the local
filmmaker's group and had had his own newspaper and is just always
doing cool shit like starting things. and we got to pick john doe up at
the airport and i saw the sadies were touring with the hip. how sweet.
they still play with neko case. they were on austin city limits with
her. anyway. the boyfriend.
so one day i was doing dishes and he walked up behind me, grabbed my
hair, yanked my head back and kissed my neck and then just kind went
for me. and i was like 'really. all this in you?' and then kissed him
and we had an understanding of the lips and the kissing was fucking
great so that night ... oh yeah jesus i had the star lights on under
the canopy over my bed and forgot to close the blind and my fucking
nieghbor was sitting on his porch and i like jumping around on a man
and i don't know how long it took me to realize that anyone on the
street could see me. my bedroom's like ten feet from the sidewalk.
jesus christ. opps! well yeah two weeks later the neighbor just strolls
over here to tell me how pretty i am. which always makes me feel dirty.
like ... don't tell me i'm pretty when you're intent is to like ...
well actually i was going to say 'don't tell me i'm pretty when you're
here to cum in my face' but it never got that pornographic.
actually it was ... dirty but playful. man what a stupid thing to do. a
few weeks ago i was doing yardwork at about 5:30 am, yes in the dark
and i could see a light on in the house - oh he doesn't live there.
he's just always there. the man who lives there is darling and never
goes anywhere and went to carnegie mellon where he was this big
computer genius. anyway so here comes the neighbor and i went right in
the house.
but he got his dream job of working for a sound company and setting up
concerts and shit but i don't know what the fuck he wants from me. but
when i get home from work, there he is. i know it's so harsh but i'll
know he's ten feet away from me and i will not turn around. why? i'm
not doing it. i'm not fucking for the sake of fucking.
i sure have had my share of that, eh? i always used to wonder if i'd
get older and start craving manflesh again but no. and the thing is,
it's not exactly this thing that i'm saving myself for gordon downie
because obviously sex is so beside the point. there is this ...
influence. and yet that word is so weak compared to what it is.
permeated saturated yes but ...
clung to
glad of
driven by ... interlaced, remembered and felt.
but yeah what happened to it over the summer? well in the spring i was
like WHERE IS THIS NEW RECORD THEY SENT A SINGLE EMAIL ABOUT AND NEVER
MENTIONED AGAIN? THE - name of record company. tragically hip
enterprise. but after the concert i just thought ... it wasn't mine
anymore.
anyway. when am i going to stop feeling stupid for this? i get this
massive YES from the universe when i hear the songs and it makes me rev
up to billion kph (metric for my canadian friends).
shit how long before someone wigs and insults me? maybe they really are
gone. after all this is not the place to chat about the band. that's
the hipbase and i could do some funny shit and fuck with people on
there. pretend to be canadian and shit. call gordie 'gord' and pretend
to like hockey.
but i saw 'st. ralph' ... i had to hear him sing that song and there's
no way to get a copy of the song. i can only hear it in the movie and
they break it up between scenes but i literally shiver. i get chills. i
feel like ... lost running sniffing searching so close so close and yet
no idea what i'm supposed to be doing or looking for. like the marching
armies in my head have started moving and i'm trying to get out of
their way.
i think i know what i have to do and it wasn't part of the plan. i
can't write to him now can i? the one thing i can have some pride about
is that i never personally thrust all of this on him. but yeah the old
puzzle: if i wrote to him, would i be guilty of something? or am i
guilty of something for not writing to him?
then i thought ... i need him. i fucking need him. i fucking fucking
need him. almost wrote 'i fucking fucking need fucking him' but i don't
need fucking him. but for whatever reason, i am at my best when i feel
like i'm writing to him. like these posts and when i don't think his
eyes will find my words i don't see the point in writing. and that
sucks to admit for so many reasons but i'm so grateful for any
inspiration in this wretched state.
see ... at the show in pittsburgh, i sat down. can you believe it? but
madge wasn't there and no one gets into them the way i do and it was
such a beautiful night and are you kidding? a free show at the point
which is just so pretty - right where two rivers form the ohio which
will take you to the missisppi and all the way to the ocean. and
fireworks? do you know how bad our baseball team sucks? but that night
right after the band does 'fireworks' someone hits a home run so
there's this one huge pink explosion of color? and then we're leaving
the park and trying to get past the johnne deer people and we come out
from under the little tunnel and boom! a big fireworks display.
and i felt so incredibly sad and quiet. i didn't say much. didn't go
out that night. came home and thought 'gordon downie doesn't give a
fuck about me. what am i doing? what is wrong with me? what the fuck?"
but emotions get frayed, eh?
but forever held ... well i feel like it holds on to me. yeah. yeah
that's right and then i get pissed because i don't understand. ARGH THE
OWNER OF THE COMPANY IS IN TOWN. yeah and it's freezing out there.
december weather.
but yes i was moving along on my book at one point because after that
show i thought 'okay. whether he gives a shit about me or even knows i
exist, is irrellevant. i have to show him how i feel about what he's
done for me.' and that meant writing a book about him but it meant
finishing two books before that.
but then all the complications. well no. he can't hate me for it. he
can't be pissed. because it's such an enormous complement to him. but
it was to adam duritz, too, and he hated me for it. well he did and he
didn't. see, i loved that first record and he said he was completely
full of shit on that record so i kinda saw someone who wasn't there and
i guess i brought that to light HUGE and yeah even the counting crows
would hear about me everywhere. and i had no idea.
same with the tragically hip.
but here's the wall with the GD book. if i write about him, shouldn't i
ask his permission or warn him? but i know for a fact that he was cool
with me telling everyone that he didn't want to kick me in the head.
and i told him that i wrote about how he called me and that was okay,
too. but still ... a lot of this takes place is in my head. i guess
that's obvious enough and yet there's some uncanny shit ... but if i
write to him about it and he rejects me straight out ...
shh. that ... would suck so bad. i don't feel like there's anything
beyond him. i can't imagine this happening to me again, you know? i
mean i've fallen in love with rock stars before and all that seems like
it lead me right here but for what? to swim around in it for ten f'n
years?
you gotta love me for it i think. i can't really say this is the work
of determination. i think i've been more determined to shake it off.
i've agreed to marry three different men since i first saw the bastard.
three! rob, satan and richard. richard that fucker. oh man would i like
to get my hands on him. you can't imagine ... how i dread seeing him
testify at timmy's trial. and it will take so much for me not to scream
out 'oh on the stand, when it meant you were moved to a medium security
prison, suddenly you know how he died you motherfucker? but you
couldn't tell the woman you wanted to take as a wife?'
well ... i should cut him a break. i'm better when i'm tender! he did
tell me. in fact he showed me. in fact he used to grab my throat all
the time when he was first falling in love with me. and i'd be like
'richard, once or twice, okay, but the guards are watching and this is
profoundly uncool of you.'
choking me?! aw yeah what man wouldn't like to? and the thing is, you
can't imagine who he was. well to look at him ... he looked like a
golfer. very tall. very attractive. very fit. even madge was like
'richard is a very handsome man' and i go 'ah ha ha i know.' but what
was funny is he thought i was so good looking! dang i love a convict. i
knew he had it bad for me and i'll tell you another thing. i went in
there fully planning on making him fall in love with me. and i used to
tell him that. like 'resistance is fututile' and then he'd look at me
so pissed like 'who the fuck do you think you are?" and i was like 'i'm
the dame who you're going to fall in love with motherfucker.' and it
was great fun to be like that.
aw one of his letters was so sad after i left him behind. he was like
'didn't you see how very much i loved you?' and for someone like him,
that doesn't happen. he never lets his guard down like that. i still
wonder if he'll kill me in the end but fuck him.
he underestimated me. people do it all the time. i just watch them like
'yeah okay' but i know i always pull shit off. it takes me longer than
others but when i'm done, i got it right. even college.
anyway. richard knew exactly what happened to timmy and i actually
can't blame him for not telling me everything. i mean his life was
literally on the line.
anyway. wait stupid itunes is so slow on this machine.
ah ha ha ... sorry a funny song just started.
"we need him crucified. it's all you have to do ... talk to me jesus
christ" ... 'i have got no kingdom in this world. i am through. i am
through.'
sorry. when me and madge went in the woods she had 'jesus christ
superstar' on her ipod and lolo wanted to watch it last night and it
brings back so many memories of when i was a kid. and in the movie,
judas' voice is just so good.
HEY IT SNOWED. wa. but wow to have a window to watch it out of is so
cool. right down in the strip district only right on the river. always
tons of trees in view no matter where you are in pittsburgh and me
loves it. me and madge keep talking. what to do with madge!? her come
home? her stay in NYC?
the list evens out! oh wait first. my body hurts so bad from pushing a
car. well ... i had to have the new tunes and charge my ipod in the
car. mind you when we were camping i could charge my entire laptop and
be fine but the ipod sucked the battery dry! and the driveway is just a
slight hill of course. and wow i pushed. i got it rocking! but i was
wearing platform shoes with no backs so had to change. now all my
muscles hurt so bad!
my sister was steering and goes "just ask your neighbor?' - the
minister who's built like the bus jerome bettis. NO. he called the
police during my party. three times! not asking him for shit. but we
figured it out and i got a jump. i have cables! i have no idea where
they came from either.
okay wait last night's dream. i met myself! this part of me came out of
me and she was like 15, skinny but of course with big tatas and long
brown hair and big brown eyes. so unlike me really. kind of awkward and
quiet and my first reaction was 'let's have sex.' and thought 'well i
never had sex with a girl before but this is me so i bet she'll do it
right.' and she said it wasn't a good idea and i never did understand
why she was there.
then i dreamed my sister and lolo took care of all the plants on the
porch and cleaned up but destroyed the inside of the house in the
process and i realized i'd forgotten to go to work. and it was hte
morning after and i was trying to get out the door to go and it was
getting later and later and i couldn't find my cell phone or anything.
and then i realized i could just pretend like i thought i told my old
boss. yeah it was my boss from downstairs. but i lived in a different
house and everything was just a mess. anyway. you can't pretend. yes i
can! yes i can!
i can't stop pretending.
well what is 'right' for me? well it's all over the place actually. a
bit o' everything.
ouch. now pilate's just ordered christ to be beaten 39 times. 40 lashes
is considered an execution. if they only hit you 39 times and you die,
it's your fault. but some of these songs ... and judas's song, that
guitar is so cool. "my mind is clearer now. i can see where we all soon
will be. if you strip away the myth from the man you will see where we
all soon will be.
JESUS you started to believe the things the say of you. you really do
believe this talk of god is true. and all the good you've done will be
stripped away. you'll become to matter more than the things you say.
listen jesus i don't look what see ... i've been your right hand man
for so long. you've set them on fire. they think they've found a new
messiah. and they'll hurt you when they find you're wrong. ... but
every word you say today is twisted round some other way. and they'll
hurt you if they think you've lied."
sorry sorry hold. i guess ... i find it hard to live if i have nothing
to die for.
now listen here deputy dog. when i say this thing in me that leads me
hear is the dearest thing to me, i mean you do know that i'm not going
to forsake my own child or my friends or family for it - well i haven't
been asked to. i saw a show about a mother of three who just had to
climb everest and she died in the process. there's just some things ...
you need to do and come on, do you think you control the day you die?
anyway, in a day, going to work and all of that, taking care of lolo,
making sure leo's okay, talking to madge - those are the people in my
life that i love.
and yes there is some shame in admitting, but without THIS what good am
i? i mean i do what i have to do in a day. i still take care of
everything. but it's just not the same me. and i cry because i don't
know what this is.
i don't know how to love him. how about 'could we start again please?'
... such a pretty song. :"this was unexpected. what do i do now? could
we start again please? i think you've made your point now. you've even
gone a bit too far to get the message home. before it gets too
frightening, we should call a halt. could we start again, please?'"
when i was a kid, a jesus rock opera was a sign of the end. this album
was huge.
aw look at me! i cleaned the entire house singing "ontari-ar-i-o" over
and over and over like a child who learned her first new word and for
the first time in months i danced and sang and ran around the house
cleaning and ... happy.
look. i'm a fool to try and turn this off.
do you know ... how truly blessed that there is music that superceedes
all the needs i have and you know what? you know why i was always so
proud of gordon downie? because his music ... made me better than i am.
look. it's not new to me. at age 12 i fell in love with another
candian, tony defranco, 'heartbeat it's a lovebeat' and had a chance to
meet him and my parents wouldn't let me take a bus downtown to meet
them.which was bad enough. but that night, on the evening news, i saw
them and my friend was on tv with them. having it shoved in my face
that way and knowing no one would understand it ... how much i hated my
dad for that.
so yeah for a year i've had no real desire to love anyone and was
feeling pretty huge because of it like 'ha ha ha i'm the sole
survivor!' or that i beat it or escaped it and was finally free - even
though i always had this feeling that love was the cornerstone of all
my virtues. the foundation. the one thing ... that mattered above all.
yet saw how twisted it could get but people call all kinds of fucked up
shit, love.
to me love is exactly what i feel for gordon downie. this enormous
respect. this endless fascination. this ... *thanks you*
so much so that i am always searching for any interview he's done or
anything he's written and then i think about tons of stuff i have to go
read about. yes he's like ... the respect means i trust him, you know?
and so he's real to me.
and ... why should i stop this? i mean look at what this does for me. i
only need to hear it to know that ... i owe him.
but what? to take a bow or take the chances?
WAA i have to go to work in the freezing cold and be like 'hello mr.
owner of the company look what a good girl i am" and i have to consult
with the cheif technology officer to decide what to do with my mac. if
we pay someone to replace the harddrive or not. but looks like i have
to drive to slippery rock to give leo his winter coat. poor kid has to
walk everywhere and it is truly unseasonably cold.
all the drafts of posts i lost ... i guess i did post the ones i liked
best. for now on, no drafts! i'll email them to myself.
oh i thought i lost all my emails but i had just hidden them on a box
at work. but i hadn't backed up since august. wa.
but i should be glad i even have that.
aw aw aw aw aw aw gordon awenie - so yeah i got up at 5:30 like the old
days! oh mind you i tried to go back to sleep but johnny cat wouldn't
leave me alone.
when i stop writing it means i have to go to work so i guess i like to
keep writing even though i know for now i've run out of shit to say.
well let's talk about madge. what should she do?
i honestly don't know what to tell her because i only ever moved to
spain and i hate it there. and she works for the world's largest print
buyer and they're all nice to her but she would have more flexibility
here and no dress code. and more money and the cost of living is so
low. i don't know. i can't imagine wanting to live in NYC. pittsburgh
is a big small town and there's something about that, that i love. the
slovack club. the american legions. i do think it would be excellent to
live in pine bluff arkansas. it's a long story but the south ... has
this vibe. this darker kind of suffering.
i mean it was dark here in pittsburgh. first labor strike on us soil
happened right where a fancy new shopping center is. people dying of
typhod left and right. they didn't know you couldn't drink the river
water. the smoky city they called it and it was. always a cloud over
head.
i just saw the lights again agh! okay fuck it i'll go to work. i'll
drink and talk to madge on and on on friday.
well i'm just worn out with this. i can't know what i don't know. you
could lie to me and i'f never know.