i'm having a really hard time and i'm flipping out and trying to make
sense of everything that's happened to me since the golden days.

you should see the car leo totalled ... you'd never imagine that
anyone survived. i mean ... it's horrific. and lolo's constant
relapsing, and my mom feeling bad for not helping my sister more and
doing all this stuff for lolo is just heart-breaking but heart-
warming.

all i know is that i did not think it was possible to hurt this much.
and i can't help but wonder what the point of it all is. like 'what
did i do that was so wrong that this is all happening?' and this
massive fear that it's gonna get worse. and mind you - that is new.

i look at people who - well. like a mitt romney or a newt and it is
stunning to look at what fate has given them. and i do believe that
people are good - that there is a natural instinct to not hurt others
but things go wrong and they just don't care and as horrible as it is,
i wish i could learn that trick. well no ... i don't know. i don't
know anything anymore.

but my sister was always there, you know? and she would always help me
and yeah she wasn't always 'gracious' about it - but all the more to
her credit. it could be hard living with her and i think of the times
i would sit there so annoyed with her and wishing i could just be
alone and here i am. why would ...

i know it's all useless to ask why about any of it. why would my son
be so mean to me? he could be here to help me but he's not. he begs me
to come here but then never actually shows up. i feel constantly used
and like there's no one i can count on anymore.

i just don't know how to get through this. i feel more than alone. not
only do i not have my sister to talk to and to feel i have some back-
up, but i feel like our kids are making it worse.

i remember the christmas of the golden days. all of us together and
how great it was when leo was all grown up and working and so proud of
being self-supporting. and how i wished everyone could have such a
happy time.

i felt grace in such a real way for the first time of my life and now
i'm in a living hell. but i'm healthy. i have a job.

but i hate where i live. i was thinking ... it's cheaper than it would
have been for me to stay where my sister was living. but still ...

i keep thinking, though ... how now i can't seem to face a loveless
future. that i'd never feel what i felt for tim again. i was so in
love with him and i was so torn about what to do and, if only i had
had the strength to just kick him to the curb ... but it all seemed
like such a miracle and he seemed to love me so much.

but ... my sister was always ... skeptical. but he made this big turn-
around and she suspended her judgement and was happy for me. she
missed me but ... she was glad for me. i didn't realize what kind of
impact it would have on her for me to move.

and when he threw me out ... she didn't make it harder by treating me
like an idiot for ever trusting him. she was pissed at him for hurting
me. and then it took months to clean up lolo's apartment and she was
so grateful for that.

what i want ... i wanted, truly wanted to defend all the people - all
the losers. all the people who get swept under the rug and ground into
the floorboards. i had been one and was so lucky to have gotten out
and i never felt like i was so special to have deserved it. i got
lucky.

i can't help but feel that my message to this world is that, despite
your best intentions and most noble efforts - it's just not enough.
there are alchololics who get 'discovered' in bars and life opens up
to them. there are people who leave all comfort behind to help people
who don't have clean drinking water, who are murdered.

there's no way for me to get any solid footing on what my next move
should be, or if i even have one. or if i even want one. but bob
dylan, all of the ones proclaimed to be great, they know they were
lucky.

they met someone - or someone found them - or they were just in the
right place at the right time and things start to turn for them. and i
wonder how many of the unproclaimed great there are. the people who
make you laugh and laugh but who never try to get paid for it. or
musicians who write amazing songs but aren't good looking enough to
get paid. and how many truly banal talents are cast in 'great' -
especially in the writing world.

it's a tainted love sunday on the lifetime movie channel and i have
"untouchable" recorded. the drew peterson story or something staring
rob lowe.

the thing is ... i'm not compelled to fight the good fight and for
whatever reason, i think it is by design. i was taken out and life
keeps beating and beating and i keep feeling like i deserve it but i
don't know why ...

and i'm bored with this discussion because i have to deal with this
and i'm supposed to get all like "life goes on" but i can't find a
single thing

never mind. call it self pity - i still don't feel like i have
permission to suffer. people die everyday they say. and yeah ... i'm
glad she went first. i can't imagine what she would have done
otherwise. we always took care of each other.

and at first i thought ... lolo would turn things around and we'd live
on the river and leo would do good and ...

i wake up and ... i

i got nothing to say