gd ... you haven't deserved any of the insane shit i'm saying. you
have only been good to me in the best way you could. i know you care
about me. i can't imagine why and i think you have given me more than
i could ever return. i am so very sorry and i understand if you hate
me.

but no matter what - i hope you know by now that it's only first
blurts and i write a lot of stupid things but i don't do stupid
things.

i live in a world with an empty sky and i can't even properly describe
that. i know the poetry in me will always be with me but it's got no
where to go.

i woke up so sick ... my stomach ... i just have to be really careful
about what i eat 'cause it's so delicate. so i eat cereal and chunky
soup.

i found a great site on grief - finally. the five stages of whatever -
it's useless 'cause they all happen at once. but this one lady made
sense. she said that you just have to get through each day. you have
got to understand that it *is* unbarable.

but some people get to go through some period of shock. of numbness.
that sometimes the first year is the easiest as you adjust and the
reality of it slowly creeps in. but i didn't get even a second of that
so maybe, at least, this first year will be the worst.

but this girl said that now is not the time to plan the future. now is
the time to just get through it. and she said you had to cut yourself
a break. that it's not the time to make new friends or any of that.

but wow - 2010 - me and cindy made jokes.

2010 never again!
2011 will be pure heaven!

and now - now 2012 will be pure hell -

i wigged on my russian project manager - but there was a problem and
he said it wasn't a problem and to stop creating drama. i was LIVID.
when i reported the big problem over a month ago - he said it wasn't a
problem. and if we would have just started working on it then, these
poor developers wouldn't be working around the clock.

and then, when i stumbled on yet another issue, he said the same
thing. no one listens to me - just creating drama. and yet - they have
no idea what the *drama* would be if this was all discovered in
production. but the other team - they keep making up new requirements
and the thing is - i asked them about it before. not a problem. they
really think i make things up to get attention or something and
meanwhile - i wish i could just hide in my cube, do my job, and come
home to this vast, empty apartment.

i should be nicer about my landlord but he wigs on me for the smallest
things. there were things he was supposed to fix but didn't and i
actually fear him doing it.

when they painted, they got drops of white paint all over the green
rug. well you know how i am - i run the sweeper and can't tell if it
was paint or dirt. i spent an entire day cutting paint out of the
carpet by the baseboard and everywhere else. so if he finishes the
walls - more work for me.

i need to find a house to rent. that i live in alone. with a yard and
a porch. but i *so* love the river. an old house by a cemetery.

someone broke into the house on suncrest street to steal the pipes. it
looks like it's abandoned.

i can't ... i think about madge so much. i loved her so much and after
she realized i was never going to be rich so she could quit her job -
i was useless to her and slowly ... she started to leave me. even when
she lived there. oh the times we had ... in some way, after she
changed and started shopping at the mall and making decent money -
well. i was never as happy as when she and i were friends. when she
was young and free. before she got lucky at work and ambitious. i will
always love that kid. and it will always hurt to think about how much
fun we had doing nothing. wearing headphones and walking to the
cemetery - counting the rings around the moon.

it's just over for me. i'm just killing time. trying to take care of
lauren as my sister would have wanted. and it's as useless as ever.
and leo - he's going to get a check from the car insurance that would
allow him to get another car just like it - but he's broke, jobless
and wants to buy a new car.

but like i told him - it's not that i won't help him anymore. i just
can't. i just don't have the money anymore.

i like wearing my sister's disney shirts but i stained one of them and
cried for hours "i ruined your shirt" -

i really tried to be as christ like as i could in everything i did -
even sexually! i didn't use men or lie to them. i'm still amazed
anyone ever wanted me.

but positive thinking - it's this amazing construction that allows us
some illusion that we can shape our future just thinking about it.
it's sad, really. think of the people who, since they are kids, are
convinced that they will be rich and famous. and they work like dogs
for it.

or young footballs players and boom ... one injury and it's over.
ruined for life.

there's just so much pain in the world ... so many sad and angry
people. i think of the married people who are so convinced they'd be
better alone 'cause they dream of some perfect someone.

but then i think of tim ... i still feel so bad for him. how he can't
experience joy. how angry he gets. and how devastated i will be when
he dies and is the definition of a walking heart attack. and there's
nothing i can do. he doesn't love-love me.

i wouldn't be surprised if he was trying to date but i don't ask
'cause i can't take it. i imagine standing over his coffin ... oh
well. i was always afraid of that. that i was so happy - how i had
truly found what i had been looking for - and how would i ever live
without him after that? i thought i'd just move my sister in and
we'd ...

now mind you ... she died in the most perfect way. we had no idea - no
idea that she was going to die. no heart pain. we were both having
horrible breathing problems. and once the ambulance was there, we
figured we were home free.

i was right in the ambulance but couldn't even hold her hand -
couldn't tell her i love her. that i'd take care of her daughter.
nothing. 'cause of some stupid rule that they can't pronounce death.

they never said "you want to come back here?" ... i think they knew
she was dying and never said anything. it seems so cruel.

and i remember standing over her ... they said she had died but she
didn't look like it. and i still can't believe that they couldn't do
anything. i imagine she was scared once she was able to look down on
her body ... but it came out of no where.

i wasn't even going to call my mom to tell her we were at the
hospital! i mean i'd just had surgery myself. no big deal. she was
dizzy. no big deal.

i can't do any investigation into what happened or i'd be so pissed.