those who could have saved me

[whorella mundane]

but did nothing ...

the list is too long
and it doesn't mean they are guilty

but for the record

here is the record of those who tried

my mom
my brother
my son
mary kelly

and those who never knew they were supposed to try but will realize it
after it is too late

you
and no one who matters except

i don't care

i will not do myself in but i called tim and the landlord and the dog
knows i am at a breaking point and i'm so sick of it all

so i feel like ... let me go to west virginia
and let my old and truest biker friends welcome me in
and keep me there and i can disappear
and re-appear when i'm ready to make jim truly proud
and truly pity gordie who had too much to loose

jim ... he's the one
who would understand
and it's no one's fault
but i am not right in this life

i was born to lose
i wasn't meant to be anything
but to save you all from your precious weakness
and it's no one's fault that you couldn't hear until i died
and now ... cindy, betty ... they died.

they didn't mean to leave.

madge ... she meant to leave. she felt great about it.
and ... i will never be the same.

this is not me

it never was

i'm the wild child who never did what i was told but would never hurt
anyone.

i was the one who suffered to be honest
i was the one who tried to show you all that there was more than happy
that there was glory and joy and only god could give it to you
and that you .... didn't even have to ask for it

cause there is love in everything
and to everyone that i could not love one-on-one
don't loose faith

even if i'm back tomorrow
there is such beauty in you
and i can't show you it 'cause i'm not beautiful
but maybe only i can show you
cause i'm not beautiful

and fuck beautiful
it never lasts
not like ... this beauty

that you, gordie, sought so whole heartidyly but they put you up there
among the great ones but they were always less than you and i'd trade
my life to show you that.

i tried ... i don't know why i am compelled to write this 'CAUSE I'M
THE ONE WHO IS FORCED TO LIVE TO TELL THE STORY. lesley ... no doubt
she suffered the worse. and betty ... i thought nothing could touch
her but i was done with her after she told madge that i was bad, and
god love madge for telling me, and then betty said she was sorry but
there was bob and there was russle and there was this shit that i was
suppossed to set them on fire and i did but no one around me gave a
fuck but my family who thought i was crazy.

but no one who truly loved me thought less of me for not pubilshing
and they all know i have to write and i almost emailed madge like 'i
have no one left and i'm too young for this" but i'm too old to
pretend and gordie

if i wanted you, you would have never stood a chance
and you know that but you give me no credit for how much restraint i
showed and how it hurt me and now i am so utterly alone and you still
don't get it.

and i am so sorry ... i have a horrible feeling ... the passion my
eyes send and you saw but never grasped. i am your passion, your
progress, your end. and you did not claim me so how long have i left?

baring the heavens ... there is nothing here

come feed on me
like you always have
and the beast sleeps
but who am i to you?

your passion your promise your end

yes i am

but fine

okay take it all

take bob who sung the most excellent songs that sustained me and betty
in ways that made out minds explode and doubt that our excellent
reality was real.

and yet ... bob was knocking at the door and he sung our favorite
songs: walking among the buildings.

and he wrote his first long songs for me although i was not
'impossibly good-looking" and when he described another woman in those
terms i said so coldly 'well why don't you go find an impossibly good
looking woman?" and he was so pissed and i refused to get out of the
back seat and he had to keep driving around the block of suncrest
street until i dragged myself out like ... OKAY FINE. TRADE A PAIR OF
TRANSPARENT THIGHS AND FLAT STOMACH FOR THE ONE GIRL WHO INSPIRED YOU
TO WRITE ABOUT LOVE YOU SHALLOW STUPID LOST MOTHERFUCKER BUT I TRIED
YOU DICK'

yeah ... wake up tomorrow and wrestle the sorrow that holds you down

i'm DONE

dear god what did i not risk here? yet everyone took me for granted.
wason ... like i owed you DICK ... what did you give? huh?
seriously ... fuck you.

again ... if i can live without HER i can live with nothing
and those ugly people who played just for me
even though canada wasn't watching
although mr. jones was bullshit as ever
they love me

and they will protect me as i was meant to be
utterly wild and beautiful beyond eyes
beyond what you people understand ... the power and the glory
only lies i the most basic shit ... in love

stop and pause ... pray and pause in the darkness
and know you are bound to the hand you were dealt
but as you forgive yourself, forgive them all

as you deny them, deny yourself
and die to ...

not to the silence, okay?

SCREAM BEFORE IT'S TOO LATE WHAT HAVE I BEEN TRYING TO TELL YOU AND I
JUST SAW SOME SHIT THAT BROKE MY HEART IN NEW WAYS AND I ENVY THE DEAD
BUT I PITY THE LIVING AND I KNOW IN ORDER TO SPARE THOSE WHO LOVE ME,
THAT I MUST OUTLIVE THEM

but no one who really loves me is here, eh? no ... i never get a call
from this newsgroup. and as much as i have tried to love you, i ... i
remember seeing concerts with betty and how heart-broken i'd always be
afterwards like ... "these musicians don't know how important they are
to those without dollar signs in our eyes" and how the musicians only
sought the hot chicks to back them up on keyboards to prove that the
lead singer saw more than that and yet, in the audiance, you knew what
bullshit it was.

but still ... you paid the entrance fee just to watch ... just to
watch the destruction of your personal pretend while being all like
'okay rock star, none of you are all that good fucking looking but you
will bed with the beautiful and if that helps the music, okay then"
but you knew it was only going to hurt them 'cause the truly beautiful
don't have shit to say and i don't care what uma fucking thurman has
to say about it 'cause even they know that they don't know

but go the fuck ahead to the ballet d' or
and to the fucking dance and the shallow's disappearance
but you know what ... don't bother us - the everyday ugly with your
bullshit

cause we have tried to love you as you were forced into pretending
that they really loved you for you.


like van morrison on american bandstand ... he didn't have it in him
to lip-sync but the money-makers pushed a poet in front of the money
machine and he couldn't do it but he never failed to be fooled by a
pretty face and what he wanted to believe.

so i thank god that i was never beautiful. that i never had to suffer
that kind of indignity. and the ones i loved ... me, lesley. betty,
cindy, madge ... we weren't beautiful so we go to go so far beyond
beauty as we sculpted ourselves against the unwanted ... and i miss
them so much.

even vicki ... she had the killer body ... so did mary kelly and peg
and ... they never had to fight the way us ugly people did so they
never had our stories. and now i'm the only one left and you know
what? fuck it

for the ugly ... we are the majority ... and let's face it ... the
Unattractive are having sex every second of the day and we don't need
a mirror to watch 'cause we are flesh ... tingly bodies full of flesh
and we get to close our eyes and let our bodies take over without
watching porn and you and tim and the rest of you can blow me and
you'll never get off like i do. go ahead ... pretend some sex and see
how long it takes before what?

you see another stupid movie that reminds you of me?
before you use my sad, sad story to pretend you're real?

HOW ABOUT I'M DEAD?

i'm going to west virginia ... i'm so in love with who i used to be
and poor vicki said "i was just talking about you ... i'm so sorry "
and i go "you are one of the few people who know who i am" and she
goes "same here" and i go "what gripes have you with the goverrnment?"
and she told me ... too much money to be poor and i warned her about
the profesionalls and she cracked up and i'm leaving to go see her
even though my phone keeps ringing. i'm going to see her.

it's been three months and vicki was crying ... i need to go

[whorella mundane]

sorry about that ... kinda ... wow i guess that was long overdue ...
that is the sound of me being forced into a new life and i grow tired
of being grateful for shit i never asked for or wanted, but know i
have to be grateful for.

and i am ... truly grateful for anyone who read my shit but ...

well. i guess i felt like ... my sister's gone ... i have spent so
much time crying on the floor and having to pull out of it and cindy's
gone and i've been playing the old tunes and just thought ... i like
who i was before i, too, had too much to lose.

the kids ... you gotta get shit straight for them.

anyway ... it's all just first blirts and apologies ... and i will
never kill myself. but ... a lot of me has died in the past year.

so i just got back from the landlord's house ... i had left bits and
pieces of clothing. i got up in the middle of the night and came up
here. then i woke up and felt bad 'cause i don't do that shit. i'm a
happy morning people ... so we never actually did the deed. still a
virgin!

we came very close and if it wasn't for the three dogs in the waterbed
with us ... i don't know. and then this morning i told him ... i just
had my heart blown up. and he goes "i know" and i go "let's cuddle!"
and he looked at me like "not what i had in mind" and last night i was
all like "i'm going to ravish you" and he goes, "no i'm going to
ravish you!" and i go "okay!"

he let me dance ... he let me be funny ... i kept slapping him around
and finally i go "wow. you are not afraid of me. truly." and he goes,
"there's nothing about you that is scary." and i go ... yeah. EXACTLY
but tim was all scared and all that but my LANDLORD isn't scared of me
so i blasted tunes and i accidentally kind of fell into him and then i
liked it but i was good ... i don't think i made the first move. i do
think i said "oh you want a kiss? BEG ME!"

now what? man oh man ... i don't think i can do it. really be with
him.

man ...

my heart is full of shrapnel and is bleeding all over any sense i
thought i had.

now i feel so guilty ... but he came up here. he thought i was mad at
him but i was on the phone with vicki and we were crying and we were
like "it is so good to hear your voice" and i go "i'm on my way" and
she called her husband and goes "i think she's actually coming here"
but then my landlord showed up ... if he hadn't ... oh i think it
would have been bad. that's a long drive and yes, i had been drinking!
and now i have to do laundry and all that shit so i'm ready for work
again.

i've been off work for months and now, getting used to a 2 day weekend
is some shit. i'm all like "dang i have to go back to work already!"

and my back hurts ... my legs ... god only knows what i was doing that
i woke up all like "wow what did i do?" but i know i did not do the
deed ... and i was fully ready to. i was THERE but ... the dogs. three
of them, in this waterbed, with me and my landlord.

ANARCHY

seriously ... i am having kidney pain again ... damn ... maybe it's
not.

okay well ... i'm going to my mom's house to watch the superbowl. i
mean steeler game. i think yesterday i wrote this post like "I'M NEVER
POSTING AGAIN" - not sure who i was threatening with that. oh ... my
many fans!

well. i'm so sleepy ... and i don't remember my dream.

oh my gosh ... what to do?

oh ... not what to do ... what will happen?
cause i didn't call him. i didn't go to his house.
i was like NOT AGAIN. OH NO. DON'T DO ME ANY FAVORS.

and then he's standing in my living room with a delicious liquor drink
and i go "you blew me off" and he said he didn't but he fell asleep
after work. i go "either way, you're stupid" and then he said "please
quit calling me stupid" and then i called myself stupid and he said
"please don't call yourself stupid"

man. people hate the word stupid ... i never knew that.
guess i'm stupid!

okay well ... i have to do laundry and shit ...

to those who could have saved me.
i learned the hard way about that. it takes so little, too.

oh well. oh well. now my tummy hurts from nerves cause of this man
thing cause i never ... well.

yikes!