and it's hard to type because my hands are cramping up from not
eating. i actually have to do shit today besides text the farmer but
he can't hear right on the phone (thought it was from him being a
musician but it's because of farm equipment. well i asked him what
kind of music he liked and he said "mine" so i assumed. not a
musician. just a dumb farmer - as he calls himself. but he's not dumb.
in fact ... he kinda scares me cause sometimes i think he's smarter
than me. ARG.)

so he can't hear on the phone so we never speak which makes this
strange unknown even stranger. it's a strange language and it messes
with my equilibrium (another lyric).

it's so easy to misread a text msg. i'm in big fucking trouble with
this one. i know it. and i don't care. fuck it. he can tear my heart
out of my chest and take a bite of it while i watch and slowly die. i
don't care.

anyone is smarter than me at this point. i know how fucked up it is
for me to be like "dude i really am in love with you" - like it's the
stupidest thing i could say. makes me sound like some crazy obsessive
chick. i don't give a fuck. he's not complaining even though he's like
"we barely know each other."

i know that, too. okay. stupid but not stupid. i know i appear to be
foolish but to me - fine. i will see this through to whatever end. i
don't even had an end in mind. no idea. and i kinda hate doing this to
him because his dad is really sick and - i know what that does to the
family. but then i'm glad i'm at least a distraction and - i'll be by
his side should he need that from me.

i have to make this kind of inventory of who i am because i ... am
changing because of him.

my hands - between all the typing at work and texting at night and the
other uses i make of my hands - i'm having trouble controlling my own
fingers and that's frustrating. i've even been taking vitamins. so my
hands are pissing me off.

farmer. you know - we've met each other three times. i've been to his
house twice. and he is so ... good with me. but he doesn't really
talk. i mean he does - but right now i feel like he's just observing
me. and that's fine. i can't wait to show him who i am. he's giving me
a chance and that's all i need.

when i say he's changing me - i mean at a physiological level. not
making it up.

you know how i went through the change of life? seamless! excellent!
no period for five months.

not any more. the farmer made me fertile again. i'm not kidding.
i know it sounds weird but it's kind of intense for me.

like ... yeah. i didn't will that into being.
that is some wild shit to me. he doesn't make much of it but ... for
me.

i was kinda pissed about it because i discovered this a few sundays
ago and was planning my first trip to his house. i was like ...
really? really? the curse has returned? the farming metaphors are
almost too easy, okay? but wow - five months - no curse. then i'm
getting ready to go see him and i see blood on my panties. by the time
i left his house his bed looked like a crime scene.

so now - still can't get pregnant thank god or i'd have to kill
myself.

i know it's gross and weird. it's kind of scary to me.
the whole thing with him is scary even though i think i make it look
so easy.
so easy for me to say "i love you" and complement him like wild.

it's not. every fucking day i think "you should get out now. before
it's too late. you feel too much already" and he doesn't really say
much - but he says enough to let me know i'm safe with him. no need to
bolt. still. i'm fighting myself constantly.

i mean really? i talk to myself like ... it's almost one year since my
sister died and last year at this time i was starting to re-emerge and
here i am again starting to re-emerge and you'd think the best thing
to do would be to be careful. but i fucking tried. i did. i had this
all straight in my head. i would have sex but i would stay firmly
grounded in my own life. for the rest of my life. never live with a
man. never get entangled on a daily basis. nope. not me. not this time
around.

but he fascinates me ... i can't explain this pull he has on me ...
but still. i am in my own life right?
swore to god i'm never take someone into my life
whose loss i could not bare.

well fine. i'm going to scrub the house. cleaning is my true
carthesis.

but i really do love him ... when i'm with him ... it's not just how
he touches me ... it's how i can make him shy. how i can say something
and watch his eyes drop to the floor and rise back to mine because i
just *touched* his heart. and i figure ... him finding a dame who
would love him with the kind of determination i have ... he wants
that. oh he doesn't say shit about it. but he says enough.

okay i need to do something physical.
can you believe the summer is winding down?
fucking landlord ruined this summer for me.
i may end up hitting him.

but he's been leaving me alone - but won't take care of the yard. same
stupid shit.
fuck him. i want to move but i can't do it yet.

i'm going to tell him - drop the rent by 300 bucks a month. if he
doesn't - fuck it.
i'll tell him to give me a month to month lease.

and i'll go find my own f'n house. for what i pay to live here - i
could be somewhere really excellent.

okay that's pissing me off. i gotta go.
i'm pissed at myself - oh never mind.
just hand over my heart to a stranger - so stupid. but it's done.
so. we shall see ...