i'm sorry i can't get jesus christ superstar out of my head. "heaven on
their minds" ... but i'm sure you want to hear about work. nothing. got
templates to make candy decorations. i could get a white pair of
overalls, paint my face green and yes. i have to be an f'n oompa
loompa. that should be stunning.

okay i'm sorry. what are the days thoughts? well my sister calls me at
work with the owner in the office next to me and i never know what to
say to the big wigs and they're on the phone talking about literally
millions of dollars and they are from an entirely other universe than
i. but yeah the one was all hopped up. the other is always apologizing
and yet offering to call you anytime of the day or night.

it frightens me. so scared i worked all day. all day. i read what i
wrote this morning and i hated it. didn't read much. bored the hell out
of myself. so i did tons of shit and hate microsoft excel and got a
beta copy of firefox and could do dual sessions and wrote a defect that
made no sense in some way but it was something about not being able to
find the project.

anyway so at work, calming my sister down. then talking to lolo. spared
a drive to leo to deliver a winter coat.

okay. i read 'in the belly of the beast' and was like 'holy shit' and
read a ton of stuff about this guy. so hated. but his book ... i mean
it's so easy to look at him and say 'he turned the key on himself' and
the telling is over for him and i bet he didn't even know really.

but i felt more tender for timmy.

wait. must hear 'luve sik'

okay ... it's just such the perfect groove. the current tempo of my
life.

you know ... my posts are kinda like plugging headphones right into my
skull and the sound comes out in keystrokes. i sure like it when it
goes down like this.

i *scream*sing this song driving home, zipping around the pretty city
with the colors of the leaves proverbially ablaze with autum's kiss ...

here's the movie!

okay ... so this song is on
and wait that's hard to write. conglomeration of a million details from
cereal boxes to license plates.
you are everywhere.

yeah i mean i kinda think i understand that song.
and this song ... he just screamsings himself as he asks the question.
is he luv sic? to value love above all? "love, and do what you will"
that was augustine but abbott didn't really like him. anyway.

and i think 'thank you gordon downie the most amazing creature to me'
for just being so um ... in yer face about it. all this happy happy but
dark and groovy and insistent and so fucking great and then yelling at
you? "so motherfucker, am i lovesick? if love is all that matters in
this life and i love love LOVE AND I SCREAM IT OUT wellll AM I
LOVESICK? FOR CARRYING WORDS IN MY HEART? this group treated me like i
was. and gordon downie .. might disagree so there.

digression: my son just called. he got an A on his big midterm and i do
cut them off in coversation when i'm in tunefrenzy. i don't get much
time in a day and i am never demanding of the kids attention 'cause i'm
happy without it! let sleeping dogs lie, you know? well leo's safer but
with lolo, one wrong clause in a sentence can set her off and i go AGH
only kinda three stooges like and then she'll storm away but she comes
back in a minute. or she busts out laughing.

but i don't get much time alone in a day to do this. and i won't
apologize for slipping headphones on and disappearing. i'm right f'n
hear. with headphones. typing. but i'm right here. so anyway leo was
like 'okay okay go listen to gordon downie.'

teehee. i'm like the teenager mom - role reversal. 'come on son, let me
go listen to rock and fucking roll would ya?' yeah but i'm the
matriarch over here so i get to do it no matter what they say whew hew!
kids in college are expensive as hell but you're not doing their
laundry. even though i gotta admit since that kid was little, he took
care of things.

oh he had a wild streak in him but he's never been in a fight and he's
been to canada! they went to some bar by the falls and there was a big
fight with canadians and one of his friends ended up in jail but leo -
nothing. never gets into the shit. i love that kid. oh didn't i read
that gordon downie used to get in fights in college - a hometown boys
vs others thing?

a man who likes to fight. yeah i think i could give him a run for the
money in that dept but i actually think he's one of the very few people
of all the characters in all the books and all works of the mind, who i
think might be superior to me in the quality of what he's going for.
well he's going for love, ain't he? WAVE A FLAG AT THAT! big heart flag
with butterflies and flowers oh and a cardinal.

oh man ... this song is like ... arm wrestling with him, aint it? and
at first he's winning. love is the only virtue there is. and then oh no
oh no! he lost a few inches. the opponent's getting the better of him!
love isn't the only virtue. shit he's losing. and then he remembers the
words in his heart and whew hew! the winner! everyone in the world!

aw man what it does to my brittle yet steaming heart. oh i do love
getting all angry. i do! i love it like "come any closer and i'm gonna
bite you right in the arm!" and so they step forward and a threat
better be a committment so they leave you no choice but to sink your
teeth in them. only you settle for a forearm. well you can get more of
it in your mouth than the upper arm, eh?

come to
glad of
uncommonly held
particularly interlaced
remembered and felt

oh man if only i were allowed to say the same shit here? but you know
what? most usenet groups only have a few members. in fact, i saw a
whooping 14 for my group and it scared the pooh out of me. wondering
who watches and yet not really phased by numbers. but it was much
higher than i expected.

what would you do if you were king of the world?
make them listen to this song and so many others

oh my god

the one song - don't forget.

don't forget anything, right?
it doesn't help me. i still don't know what i should forget or remember
and i honestly don't feel like i have much say in it. sometimes i think
i remember every fucking thing i've ever known but i don't get to
summon them up the way i'd like to. i see a slant of sun and i know
it's september and the death is creeping up on me and then i remember
goign to south park one night all torn up inside and find a stone
shelter with a warm cozy fire burning in two fireplaces! and tons of
wood. just blazing away for me to walk up to.

it was creepy ... when i left the house i had no idea where i was going
and half the park was closed. and this is when we had a new amplifier
and speakers in the back of the first car to double the amount of sound
coming out of the stereo. teehee.

and i opened the back of the sidekick and listened to the tragically
hip and sat by the one fire just like ... it was one of those "imagine
if god really did love us" moments. i was emotionally crushed and there
seemed to be no end in sight for the wieght of rob's death.

HEY. unless you know what it's like to know someone put a gun to his
head and one of his last thoughts was this satisfaction in how badly he
knew it was gonna hurt you and then he's dead and you realize this and
not only that, but that amidst that kind of thinking, was a true and
very real sense of constant threat. i think it is truly a demonstration
of the kind of man he tried so hard to be - honorable like mr. gordon
downie - that he killed himself and not me. or someone up there.

but there was something so dark at work there. the things he said to
me. the accusations. you have no fucking idea unless you've been
through it. and what i went through was nothing compared to what i knew
his mom was going through. i have no idea how she dealt but i did love
going to see her and will always be grateful to glen for that. yeah and
seeing the tragically hip in the phantom zone at the saddledome - i
mean how much more canadian could i be? i went to red deer with a
little bronchitis in march to see the band in a hockey arena and gordon
downie forgot the words to the song and stopped to try and explain. he
goes "you gotta understand" or something like that and just gave up on
that.

oh me and rob spoke in lyrics. i still have all those emails. yeah.
heartbreaking memory. my last words to him: you're a physical
impossibility. and even in email i could tell he paused - too many
carriage returns - and he said "you're right."

and on such a level i can't even tell you. actual demons were hunting
him and i was the kindest person he'd ever known yet another part of
him thought i was scheming to kill him. but i was the biggest person in
the world to him. the bravest. smartest. i mean ... he listened to me.
he trusted me. you can't imagine what emotional ground i was walking
on. and to judge me? all of you would have walked. i didn't. i didn't
care that he was a little crazy. it was easy to make him laugh. it's a
lot to carry around.

aw man.

i can't even regret that i didn't see it coming. if i'd have stopped it
... and he'd be institutionalized? if you'd ever seen him you'd just
know ... OH THIS FUCKING WORLD OKAY THIS MAKES ME MAD? A VIRUS FROM THE
WOMB? this is what they call it. BUT I'M PISSED.

what took his mind?

aw me and madge loved him. we'd both talk to him. we all adored each
other. his trip here was rough. oh the courage it must have taken him
to come here. there i am all like 'you have to tell me if i have to
stop this. because i couldn't love you anymore than i do right now' oh
yeah!

and he said he looked true love in the face and turned away and it was
the most shameful moment of his life.

I MEAN HOLY SHIT ... oh MAN ... the other thing ... he was 28 years old
and as tall as a tree and just ... had this really striking appearance.
oh yeah he goes 'you're not fat' and i was like 'god love you' - but he
said his people needed him. canada. he couldn't leave canada.

such wierd shit happened when we went out. the girl asking him if he
was from italy. it would have looked like i qued that up or something.
it was uncanny i mean to the point you get chills. and then bouncing
the baby going 'italy italy' and i think ... it looked like i was some
kind of witch. and i admit i looked at him like 'yes of course i did
this and i can do all kinds of things' but i meant sexually. but i
guess it had a kind of aggressive or evilish look. and then he had to
get out of there.

but yeah ... i never adjusted to that, okay? i never adjusted to timmy
being choked to death over a few bags of dope. am i dwelling in the
past? beating my head against a wall so i have a reason to suffer?

or have i seen so closer something that needs a resolution ... once you
know, you can't not know. oh people try. act like the whole world is
great once they're doing well. they are hard to be around. i can't
compete with that level of positivity. it's like awkward as hell. see
on one hand gordie sings about being lovesick but in the same song is
like 'i got nothing 'gainst hate' and weds the two.

OH MAN. i can't even take it how much i love this song. i can't even
write a sentence. but yeah i always figured gordie had a sharp wit that
i wouldn't want to be on the wrong side of, eh?

if you married him, would you obey him? or would you have to defy him
constantly because you know he likes to fight well if he likes to fight
and you want to make him happy, you'd just have to wiggle your finger
and when he gets close, smack the shit out of him!

aw man that's an evil thought that made me bust out laughing.
okay okay break it up! show's over, move along.

"but your honor, it was my job as his wife to constantly fight with
him. the warring man, in times of peace, turns on his wife i mean
himself i mean TRY IT WITH ME, BUDDY!'

oh at work, you should hear me with the customers who start shit with
me. i'm so f'n funny. i think sometimes i'm too happy and have to tone
it down or the developers get pissed. they're a touchy bunch. but the
customers! i can't say 'hey fucking blow me' hell no! i gotta win 'em
over! i have to teach them software against their will and i do.

you know how? oh that's complicated and many variables are involved.
you gotta be supernice for a good 15 minutes before you can give them
the slap down "i can suggest ways for you to improve the performance of
the website but until you configure your security software to accept
javascripts from our site, you won't be able to quote on jobs from (one
of the country's biggest companys' name here).

that's as rough as i get but i do have a way of saying it so fast and
like. that's it. i will twist their arms into getting everything
configured right. i've learned a lot dealing with customers.

i want a pork chop. shake n bake! i have some and lolo bust out
laughing because she said they make a huge deal of it in 'telledega
nights.'

so my precious ... songs i carry in my heart. judas and gordon downie.
but wow gordon downie.

you know ... i have to admit that part of the reason i quit going out
is because gordon downie was not a topic of conversation but when he's
everywhere, then everywhere you look is some kind of reminder - a
certain hue of blue lights - i mean it's endless so then i'd see
something and remember it and go to talk about it but ... i mean i
could talk about johnny cash because everyone knows him but gordon
downie ... they don't know.

and i figure if i go on too much about it, there's no chance they'll
want to listen to them but part of my reputation is that i love this
band. i think it's hilarious. such a thing to be known for! but it's
funny because ... i don't go see any other bands. none. i'd go see
pearl jam but don't. i saw willy nelson at heinz hall, where they
sympony plays and it was bikers and intellectuals and hilarious.

i saw neil young with madge, too. but we've seen the tragically hip a
lot! on two continents. four countries. four and a half because we sold
our tickets for the shepard's bush show. yeah so i'm a fan. what the
fuck does it take to prove that? i was at the paradiso. and the show
was sold out and people were waiting around for tickets. me and madge
and jolene walked right up to someone, said something - and we had
tickets! whew hew! i love being a girl!

i never bothered gordon downie. so you can throw rotten produce at me
and boo and hiss and hate my ass but i never bothered him god damn it.
and oh i was such a big f'n deal. and i got what for that? attention?
yeah well like i've always said, keep it.

 i will always have a tinge of shame for feeling so ... presumptious in
some huge way. but i will never ever be ashamed of feeling this way.
about anyone or anything ever. this is me at work.

yeah i'll show the bastard. i'll show him. i gotta get him back.
i can not believe this. i just can't. like i'm a head-injury away from
being normal but until then, reality is for people who can't handle the
drop off so there. the drop-off. another thing my mind churns around.

well yeah i mean ... when you're young, you swim past the drop off, end
up in jail or something, and you're really pissed about it all and
expect the world to give a fuck. people call this "self pity" and then
you get older and you know if you keep swimming out there, no one's
going to feel bad for you. the funny thing is, they don't seem to feel
bad the first time, either. maybe the first time. nope. depends on how
badly you impose on them i suppose.

the funny thing is, it has nothing to do with the fucking drop off if
you ask me and you're not asking me but you're still reading so i'm
telling you.

oh man. i'm miss sass today! it's the pork chops waiting in the fridge.
no you know it's the tunes, right?

anyway ... weather anyone will help or not is so beyond the point of
the drop-off and i don't tell the kids to go swimming there but i damn
well know ... i guess i'm crazy this way but

the real question of the world is why you don't jump, too, right?

we're best when we're tender ... but it sure is fun to be good and
harsh sometimes. i think it's good for me.

stand back before i open a can of wop ass on ya!

i'm just being stupid. i haven't eaten yet and it's almost ten at
night. okay okay i'll go eat.

i LOVE the 'in view' video. oh more on that. damn.

******

good morning ya big whatever-you-are!

when i was publishing, i used to dream about my grandparent's house all
the time. everything happened in there. adam duritz was a nazi soldier
chasing me around in there. then after rob died, it kind of faded. but
last night i was back in there and realized it used to be the jail they
held jack abbott in. but that they had remodeled and the old jail was a
beautiful staircase.

oh falling asleep - i just couldn't get 'luv sic' out of my head. the
commontion of thoughts ... well all the verses would play in my head at
the same time - a cacophony unparrelled.

anyway so i dreamed i met jack abbott. i had to hitchhike to find him
and he was pretty old. well if he had lived, he'd be in his 60s. and he
loved my ass i'll tell you that. and he was in jail but not in jail.
but there was something between us even though we went into my dream
woods and my dream rivers where i'm always canoing. dangerous - lots of
drop offs but unbelievably beautiful. so then me and jack end up back
in my grandparent's house and i show him that they transformed the
horrible jail he had been in.

and he saw the new staircase and was getting all teary-eyed and then he
put his arms around me but then moved his torso back, to hold me close
but get a good look at me. oh yeah this was after we had fucked. agh! i
think i got off. i remember in blurs - too much going on at once. but i
do remember crying when i met him and was just so sorry for everything
he went through. but then he's holding me and goes "where do you see
this thing with me and you going?"

and i said "i have no idea but i'm here."

he was a crotchity looking old bastard.

look the jack abbott thing - i lost a week of sleep over that book. my
brain was ... not a cell unaffected - this thought explosion. then i
spent a week carefully writing a letter about how i discovered him and
what it meant to me, to someone who knew him very well. way more than i
imagined or could have known when i started the letter. and this person
... did not have a high opinion of him and i can understand why.

getting close to someone like him would be like traveling by helicopter
not inside, but hanging by a rope and barely missing buildings and
trees and powerlines. and this person said he brought everyone on
himself. and i mean in a snap i believed this person and ended up
talking to this person on the phone for hours.

well to swing so far in his direction and then this other person's - i
started an email to jim that was like 40 pages long about it all and i
could never come to a conclusion. and it wore me out. this person
thought the anger for timmy was totally appropriate. but if i'd have
been angry at him for being careless with me or himself, i'd agree. but
the anger is all about him thinking he was smarter than me and it does
not seem appropriate. it seems ridiculous to me and makes me feel like
a stranger to myself to have this emotion that seems so unlike me but
is so fucking strong when it grips me, i can't even sit to write about
it. i don't know what it is. still.

but i was doing better when i believed in jack. but i didn't write
because i thought there was no answer for the questions i had about
free will vs fate and all of that.

but i think i have a good foundation now and i still side with jack
abbott. it's too easy to look at someone and blame them for bad
decisions when you have no idea what it's like to be in their spot.
it's not even ethical if you ask me. but then ultimately if what he
wrote was true, there was no saving him.

okay i gotta post this and get to work since the big wigs are in town
again. so back to work where i have to think so hard about shit that
seems to petty and irrelevant compared to gordie and jack abbott. arg.
and i don't want to be late but then i thought i should be. i'm not
going to be on time. they'll think i hold my job too dearly and they
should be afraid of losing me because i test, i do doc. and know a lot
about the machines that the services group doesn't and they get scared
when they think of me not being around. but i just can't get ambitious
about it. i don't know. it's hard to explain.

it's a job, you know? it enables me to care for myself and leo and lolo
and have a nice life but it's just a GD job.

wow madge will be in here in two days and i can't wait because we'll
have big funny teary talks and have a blast! i have to be an oompa
loompa. but i don't want to paint myself green. i might be candy. a big
piece of butterscotch ...

okay well melts in your mouth ... no time to proofread sorry! i mean
that.