it gets worse

[whorella mundane]

you never imagine that, eh?

it getting worse
and worse
and worse

and then your phone starts ringing
with a vengance
with a panic
shuttering
screaming nagging pleading

look on facebook

see the picture of your son's car
totalled

and they had to cut his best friend out of the vehicle
and half of his body is crushed
but no vital organs were damaged.
and leo had only minor injuries

it's hard not to think about what it will cost
when i'm supposed to be telling myself
how lucky we are
that it wasn't worse

i'm sick of counting my blessings
and pleading with god
to cut me a break

and i compare myself to a mother in syria

leo can't stay in his house because one of his roommates is a "person
of interest" in the stabbing death of his girlfriend.

so the cops busted in the door of the house
and just tore the place up
broke furniture
and handcuffed them all and shoved them on the floor
even though jordan hasn't lived there in over a month.

jordan's brother committed suicide in april

imagine the state his mother is in so again,
i'm supposed to think of how lucky i am

but it's not exactly like i feel the world is conspiring
to bring me bliss

no ... happy now is gathering up all the distasters and making myself
feel better by saying "it could be worse"

but then it gets worse
and i can't help but feel i'm being punished for something

leo was so mean to me ... i can't even tell you about it
because it was so bad

i wish i'd have never moved in this place

i wanted to live somewhere with cheap rent so, no matter what, i could
take care of myself. but here i am living on the river.

it makes me feel sick to my stomach

and my mom went and took lolo out of rehab - risking jail - because
she was in yet another shithole only this time, in the worst part of
pittsburgh. but lolo will be going back to her halfway house today and
i don't think my mom will get in trouble.

it makes me want to stay at work 12 hours a day ...

i can't help but think back

just four years ago, i was happier than i had ever imagined.
living with tim and the dog ... cleaning his house. making him dinner.

and now my sister - that never stops hurting.
i cry so hard that ... i don't have her to talk to
when all this other shit is happening

and my son says "i'm going to kill myself"
and he might as well just kill me

and i don't even have my sister to talk to
but my mom is great and yet i feel so horrible to think about talking
to her about how much it all hurts.

and i cry and actually babble - talk in words that don't exist
as i try to work my way through pain
that i never imagined and still can not articulate

i try to have faith that there's some grand fucking purpose to all of
this but i'm so tired. i have had to struggle for everything i've ever
had and for two amazing years, i felt *grace* and loved by god and i
don't understand why .. and i'm only asking because, if there is
something i need to do, or some wrong i need to make right, i need to
know what it is.

or is it all so truly random and cruel?