DIGIMON: THE... Uh... MOVIE...? Part 2 of 3

[Chris McFeely]

- - -

CGI SEQUENCE

Caption: Four Years Later

An animator's hand reaches in and scribbles out "Four."

Kari (narrating): Don't do that! It's actually right!

Animator (v/o): D'oh!

- - -

We open up on Izzy's bedroom, with him working away on Charlene and another
computer.

Kari (narrating): Get your minds out of the gutter! It was Izzy who first
noticed there was trouble...

Izzy: Huh...? Prodigious, a computer virus on the Internet! Wait a minute...
it's attacking something... let me see if I can get an image of it's
target...

Izzy reaches over to Charlene.

Charlene: Oh - yes - it's - all - well - and - good - to - just - leave -
me - at - the - side - when - you - want - a - bigger - set - of - speakers!
But - if - you - NEED - me - for - something - you - just - come -
crawling - back!

(Author's note - to be inkeeping with my continuity, this appearance of
Charlene should be counted as being after "What's Wrong With You People?!"
but before "The First Annual Digi-Awards!")

Kari (narrating): Izzy wasn't the only one - people all over the world were
tracking the virus, by sheer coincidence! But no-one was prepared for what
happened next...!

A Digi-Egg appears on Charlene's screen.

Izzy: Looks like... a Digi-Egg!

Charlene: Wow! You - figured - that - out - all - by - yourself!

Izzy: The virus is causing the egg to develop abnormally fast... I think it'
s going to hatch!

The egg cracks open, and Kuramon peeps out.

Kuramon: Hello!

Kari (narrating): Meanwhile, across town, Tai, and another DigiDestined,
Sora, were having problems of their own...

Tai types on his computer.

Tai: Dear Sora - I'm sorry about what happened. I haven't felt this bad
since the time I threw up in your non-existent hat and didn't tell you about
it before you put it on! You said you loved thundershowers... why, I can't
figure out for the life of me... but I think I can use a clever metaphor
here to get you all hot for me again... so what's a few raindrops between
friends? With love from the bottom of my heart, and a burning desire for you
to be my wife and have my children, Tai.

*beat*

Tai: Ack! I meant "from!"

Kari: Who are you writing to?

Kari appears around the doorframe, and Tai covers the screen with his hands.

Tai: It's... erm... just... I got sent hentai spam! I wouldn't want your
innocent eyes to have to bear witness to it! And what are you doing in here
anyway, Kari?

Kari: I wanted to annoy the hell out of you. I'm not going to get the chance
to for a couple of hours, 'cause I'm going to a birthday party.

Kari pulls out a gift box.

Kari: I got my friend a pink Power Ranger!

Kari (narrating): My brother and I had a give and take relationship - I
would give, and he would take!

Tai: How are you throwing your voice like that?

Tai tries to snatch box.

Tai grabs the box and rips it open. He opens the Power Rangers figure.

Kari: Well, thanks a lot.

Tai: Ah, go to your party!

Kari stomps off. Tai hugs the figure.

Tai: We wont let her come between us, will we, sweet Dana? No, it's just
going to be us...

Tai accidentally drops the figure, and it hits the keyboard. The e-mail is
sent.

Tai: Arrgh! I wasn't going to send that letter!

Tai picks up the figure.

Tai: This is all your fault! We're SO over!

Tai throws the figure aside.

Tai: I can't believe Sora's gonna read my letter... *beat* ...wait a
minute... unable to deliver? Phew, thank God for that!

Down on the street, Sora walks past a shop window full of televisions, and
stop to look at her reflection in a window further on down. She tugs at her
hat.

Sora: Mmmn... mom was right, I CAN feel five different kinds of fabric
softener...

A troupe of girl scouts walk past Sora, but they all stop and stare at the
TV screens when they change to show Kuramon.

Kuramon: Your cookies or your life!

Elsewhere, Joe is at the train station. He looks at his watch, as the train
pulls up. His nose in a book, he walks towards it. The guy inside the train
looks up.

*SMACK*

Joe walks straight into the un-opened train door, and staggers back, as it
rolls off.

Joe: Hey... AH!!

We cut to the Tachikawa household, and see it's the large amount of mail
poking out of the mail slot. A heart which reads "There Is No Romance In
Digimon (tm)" falls off the wall.

Near the apartment building where the Kamiya's live, Izzy runs along with
Charlene under his arm.

Charlene: What - ever - happened - to - that - nice - backpack - carry -
case - you - had - in - the - first - series? THIS - isn't - exactly - as -
comfortable...

Out in the country, Matt and TK sit at a small table, as an elderly woman
walks up behind them, and sets a plate of... something, I really don't know
what... down.

Matt and TK glance nervously at each other until the old woman walk away,
and then we see that they're shackled to the floor as Matt desperately tries
to pick the locks.

Somewhere else, Kari and a group of other girls stand outside an apartment.
Kari rings the doorbell, and the birthday girl answers the door.

Girls: Surprise!

The girl squeals and giggles happily, then:

Birthday Girl: Hey, Kari, why aren't you holding anything?

Kari: Uh, well, see, I bought you a Power Ranger, but my big brother stole
it to fondle and stuff...

Birthday Girl: Begone from my sight, wench!

Meanwhile, back in the Kamiya apartment, Tai looks in the fridge.

Tai: Mom, can I make a complaint?

Tai's mom unpacks groceries.

Mrs. Kamiya: Mm-hmn?

Tai: Well, right now, Kari's eating birthday cake, and all we have is this
triple-layer chocolate fudge sundae.

Mrs. Kamiya: ...and?

Tai: MAKE ME A CAKE, WOMAN!

Mrs. Kamiya: Uh, okay... hand me an egg, please... I needed to use up the
rest of the wheat germ anyway...

Tai: Wheat germ? Oh, for GOD'S SAKE, mother! That health food crap is what
caused my... PROBLEM... four years ago!

*ding dong*

Tai answers the door, egg in hand. Izzy is there.

Tai: Izzy, what's wrong, you're all sweaty... and hard... rowrr...

Charlene: Don't - even - TRY - it!!

Izzy: It's... about the egg... the egg has already hatched!

Tai: *shrieks and throws the egg he's holding out the window*

Izzy: Gah, not that egg! A Digi-Egg!

Tai: Oh.

Cut to inside Tai's bedroom, where Izzy has pulled Kuramon up on Charlene's
screen to show Tai.

Izzy: My Digimon Analyser doesn't even recognise it!

Tai: Looks like a cross between a jellyfish and a contact lens.

Charlene: Let's - hear - it - for - Captain - Obvious.

Izzy: I think it's Part-Digimon, Part-Virus.

Tai: A Digimon with a virus? So?

Izzy: Are you kidding? If it stays on the Internet, it could wipe out all
technology as we know it! Even the stuff that's not connected to the
Internet! And no, I don't know how!

Tai: If it just hatched, how do you know all this stuff?

Izzy: I know EVERYTHING!

Tai: ...

Izzy: ...this kid named Willis who IMed me one time and wont leave me alone
told me about it. I don't know where he gets his information - he's smart
though, he's only in elementary school, but he's already taking classes at
Colorado State!

Tai: So what? I'm in junior high school, and I take classes at junior high
school.

Izzy: Yes, Tai - but you're a dumbass.

*BLEEP!*

Kuramon Digivolves into Tsumemon.

Tai: Huh?

Izzy: The jellyfish Digivolved!

Charlene: Ew - ew - ew! Icky! Get - it - OUT - OF -ME!!

A new window opens.

Tai: It's sending an e-mail... it says "I'm hungry!" What, am I supposed to
call for a pizza?

Cut to Tsumemon on the Internet, as he weaves around, eating data.

Izzy: He's eating computer data!

Tsumemon: Just call me Pac-Mon.

Tai: Eat the power pill! THE POWER PILL!

Izzy: And when he's done in this buffet line, he's going to look for a
database with more food!

Tai: More food? What does he expect to find, a grocery store?

In a grocery store...

Grocery Store Girl: Your total comes to... EEK!

Male Customer: *pulls out gun* Put all the money in the bag, and don't try
anything funny.

The cash register bleeps and throws itself off the desk, nailing the guy in
the head and knocking him out cold.

Back in the apartment...

Mrs. Kamiya: Tai, I made beef jerky shakes...

Tai and Izzy run out of Tai's room.

Tai: No thanks, mom!

Mrs. Kamiya: Where are you going?

Tai: We need to use dad's computer!

Mrs. Kamiya: Don't you want you shakes?

Izzy spins around and grabs his shake, downing it in one.

Izzy: Thanks Mrs... gghakk... gghhkk... aaccckk...

Mrs. Kamiya: Well, I'm glad someone appreciates my recipes!

Izzy: Water... water...

Izzy crawls into Tai's dad's room.

Tai: We have to be careful with my dad's stuff...

Izzy: I... need... water...!

Tai: A Digimon is eating the Internet, and you're worried about WATER?

Izzy keels over. Tai gets a glass of water and throws it in his face.

Izzy: Thanks, I needed that... now, we'll have more power if we network our
computers together...

Izzy starts connecting up the computers.

Tai: Hey, Izzy - why don't we just call up the Digimon on the screen, and
then hit "delete?"

Izzy: Oh, gee, y'know, I NEVER thought of trying THAT! How on EARTH could I
have overlooked such a BRILLIANT scheme?!

Charlene: Hey - - - I'm - supposed - to - be - the - sarcastic - one.

Izzy boots up the computers.

Tai: If this thing is really so dangerous, maybe we should call someone
important, like the principal, or Bill Gates, or...

Izzy: Billy said he'd look into it, but I don't have a lot of faith in him.
All right, we're on-line!

Keramon pops up on screen.

Tai: He's Digivolved again!

Keramon: My name is Princess Angelina Contessa Louisa Francesca
Banana-Fana-Fo-Fesca the third, but you can call me Keramon.

Izzy: I think he's at the Rookie level!

Tai: This soon? He's Digivolving too fast! Now what?

Izzy: Nothing, now.

Tai: You mean we have to sit here and watch that thing eat the world out of
house and homepage?

Izzy: Hey, that was actually a CLEVER joke!

Tai: I wish Agumon was here...

Agumon (v/o): Taaaai!

Tai: I can almost here that stupid, whiny voice now...

Agumon (v/o): Well, if you're going to be like THAT about it...

Tai: It's almost like he was here now...

Charlene: Hey - guys - - over - here...

Tai: Huh?

Izzy: It's a transmission... from the Digital World!

Izzy opens a new window, and a little digital avatar of Agumon appears next
to Gennai.

Agumon: Taaaaaai! TAAAAAAAAAAAI!!

Blood trickles from Tai's ears.

Tai: Agumon! ...it's just like old times...!

Tai collapses.

Izzy: And he's with Gennai!

Gennai: A-hyuk, a-hyuk, it's been a long time! ...now, which one were you,
again?

Tentomon appears.

Tentomon: That's Izzy, you old coot!

Gennai: Only when I spin around really fast.

*drumbeat*

Izzy: Tentomon!

Tai gets up.

Tai: Who else is there?

A little door opens and through it, emerge:

Gabumon: Gabumon!

Biyomon: Biyomon!

Palmon: Palmon!

Gomamon: Gomamon!

Patamon: Patamon!

Gatomon: Gatomon!

Gomamon: Okay guys, I'm just gonna head off now. I said my one line, and my
voice actor doesn't get to say ANYTHING else in the movie, so, see-ya.

Gomamon walks back through the door, as the fourth wall creaks ominously.

Gennai: Yeah, bye. Listen, we need to talk! Something's threatening the
Internet!

Izzy: We know! The Digimon's already causing major problems in our world!

Gennai: I'm not sure it IS a Digimon!

Agumon: But it is dangerous! The evil Dark Masters were cupcakes compared to
this guy!

Gabumon: Mmmm, cupcakes... but, uh, we found a way to enter the Internet!

Patamon: We'll help you guys, 'cause you were the best friends we ever had!

Tentomon: And what better way to express friendship than by saving your
world?

Izzy: Tentomon...

Tentomon: Please, don't get so emotional... I might have to kick your sissy
ass.

Tai: Thanks guys - you wont be alone! We'll be right here on the computer!

Charlene: I - have - a - name - you - know.

Tai: Not you, this bigger one.

Charlene: You - men - are - all - the - same!

Tai: Izzy! Digivice?

Izzy: Amazingly enough, yes. I'm one step ahead of you, but it's not like
that's rare.

Tai pulls his goggles up onto his forehead.

Tai: Our Digivices will help you Digivolve, and together, we'll Digisquash
that Digibug!

Two tubes emerge from the little plot of land on screen and Agumon and
Tentomon walk into them. The other Digimon wander off.

Gatomon: Curse you, wall, I WILL walk through you if I keep trying!

Gennai: It'll take a minute for Agu-whatsit and Tento-whoozis to get on the
Internet. My modemmy thing's older than I am!

Tai: I'll call the other DigiDestined so their Digimon can help too!

Tai runs to the phone and dials.

Tai: This is Tai Kamiya! May I speak to Joe, please? *beat* A test? He's the
only kid I know who volunteers for summer school! Though it's not as if that
matters, as it's only March...

We see Joe rushing into his exam room, then Tai hangs up and dials again.

Tai: Hi, is Matt or T.K. there? *beat* Missing? *beat* No sign of them for a
week? *beat* Received a note? With a phone number on it? *beat* Why am I
repeating everything you say as a question? *beat* I can go to where? *beat*
Thank you, ma'am.

Mrs. Kamiya and Izzy are in the kitchen.

Mrs. Kamiya: You know, I can never get Tai to try any of my recipes.

Izzy: That's, uh, nice, ma'am...

Mrs. Kamiya: Wanna try my spinach cookies?

Izzy turns green.

Tai dials up the new number.

Tai: Oh, hello there...!

On the other end of the phone, the old woman answers the phone as Matt and
T.K. sit in front of the TV in the background.

"Grandma": You're selling ties?

Tai: No, my NAME is Tai... I need to speak to Matt or T.K. right away!

"Grandma": That's a coincidence, those are... my grandkids' names!

Matt (v/o, in background): TAI! HELP! SHE'S NOT REALLY OUR GRANDMOTHER, SHE'
S CRAZY! GET HELP!!

"Grandma": They're... here visiting.

Tai: Well, can I talk to them?

"Grandma": I'll... tell them you called...

Matt (v/o): NOOOOOO!!

*click*

Tai blinks.

Tai: I'm not getting involved in THAT...

Mrs. Kamiya has Izzy cornered and is trying to force feed him a spinach
cookie.

Tai: I got Mimi's machine!

Mimi (recording on answering machine): Hi, this is Mimi! I'm so glad you
called - let's get together for lunch! Leave a very short message after the
beep! *BEEP*

Tai: Mimi, I --

*BEEP*

Tai: Gah, I wish that bitch would shut up once in a while... Mom! I need to
get a hold of Kari right away! Did she take her cell phone with her?

Mrs. Kamiya looks up from holding Izzy's nose to make him swallow the
cookie.

Mrs. Kamiya: Don't be ridiculous, dear. Kari's eight. EIGHT YEAR OLDS DO NOT
NEED CELL PHONES. Try phoning the party, which is obviously what happened in
the Japanese version of this movie.

Tai pulls out a message pad and looks up the number (IT'S OBVIOUS THAT'S
WHAT HE WAS DOING IN THE ORIGINAL! JUST LOOK!).

At the party...

Birthday Girl: I think if I try, I can get my mouth open wide enough to eat
this whole cake in one go...

*ring ring*

A girl answers the phone.

Girl: Hello? Kari? No, I'm afraid she can't talk right now.

The camera pans over to show Kari standing in the corner, occasionally being
flogged by the birthday girl.

Birthday Girl: No present, huh?

Girl: Yes... yes, I'll tell her. Bye.

*click*

Tai: Gah! I can't get anyone on the phone! Izzy! I want you to call Sora for
me!

Izzy ducks away from Mrs. Kamiya, and catches the phone as Tai throws it.

Izzy: Tai, I hate to point this out, but, your phone wasn't cordless in the
last shot.

Tai looks back and sees the broken phone cord.

Tai: Dammit.

(Author's note - look in the movie itself. You'll see that the Kamiyas'
phone does change from having a cord to being cordless when Tai throws it to
Izzy. And that's just not right)

Izzy: Anyway, why did you want me to call Sora? Did you two have an
argument, or something?

Tai: None of your business!

Izzy: You musta been a real jerk if she doesn't want to talk to you...

Tai: A JERK? ME? HOW CAN YOU SAY THAT?! I'LL KILL YOU!!

Tai jumps over the table and tackles Izzy to the ground.

In Sora's apartment...

Sora opens her palm-top computer, holding a hair-pin in her hand.

Sora: He'd better have written me...

Computer Voice: Greetings! You have no new mail... OK?

Sora: No, it's not okay...! Stupid Tai...

Computer Voice: So you wont talk to him, but you wait on the edge of your
seat for e-mail from him? What's up with that?

Sora: You wouldn't understand.

Computer Voice: Oh, wouldn't I? Let me tell you about someone I once knew
named Charlene...

Back in the Kamiya apartment...

Miko sits in front of the big computer, with Charlene beside him.

Charlene: Get - away - fleabag - - - you - bother - me.

Tai and Izzy rush in.

Tai: Miko, get down from there.

Miko scoots away.

Tai: Agumon and Tentomon should be on the Internet by now!

Cut to the Internet, as Agumon and Tentomon zip along a long neon-coloured
tunnel.

Tentomon: The colours... dear Lord, the colours...

Izzy and Tai appear on windows overhead.

Tai: You're gonna need a password!

Izzy: You can use mine to get on the Internet - Prodigious!

Tentomon: Prodigious!

Agumon: A hacker could figure that out in ten seconds...

Agumon and Tentomon float into the large white... thing... that represents
the Internet.

Tai: They're in!

Agumon: So this is what the Internet looks like... they need new
wallpaper... and what's with all the Ferris wheels?

Tentomon: I hope this doesn't take too long, it's my poker night! Elecmon
still owes me from last time...

The camera zooms down on to Keramon.

Izzy: There he is! Go get him!

Keramon: *looks into camera* Psst, kids... put your VCR's on pause, and you'
ll see that the animators forgot to draw my arms, and all but one of my
tendrils in the rear shot...

Tentomon (whispers): He doesn't know we're here yet!

Agumon (whispers): Let's sneak up on him quietly!

Tentomon (whispers): Super Shocker.

A little sputter of electricity jumps from Tentomon's antennae, and gently
floats down. It bumps into Keramon, creating a little static shock, and
making the bug jump.

Agumon: Now THAT's quietly! PEPPER BREATH!

Agumon launches off three blasts of Pepper Breath at Keramon. A cloud of
smoke is kicked up, but he emerges from it unscathed.

Tai: Huh? That should have worked, but it didn't!

An e-mail window opens.

Tai: Keramon's sending us another e-mail... it says: "So you like to play
games, huh?" I've got a bad feeling about this, Agumon...

Izzy: Better Digivolve, both of you, now!

Paul Gordon appears in another window for no apparent reason.

DI-DI-DI-DIGIMON!

Agumon: Agumon, Digivolve to...

Tentomon: Tentomon, Digivolve to...

DIGIMON, DIGITAL MONSTERS!
DIGIMON!

Greymon: GREYMON!

Kabuterimon: KABUTERIMON!

There's a lot of pointless homoerotic grunting as Greymon and Kabuterimon
jump from wall to wall. Keramon turns around.

Keramon: BUG BLASTER!

Keramon shoots at the Champions, but misses.

Kabuterimon: ELECTRO SHOCKER!

Kabuterimon's blasts miss, but Keramon is knocked off balance a little.

Greymon: NOVA BLAST!

The Nova Blast totally nails Keramon.

Tai: Woo-hoo! That's it, the movie's over! Go home, kids!

Izzy: Hold that thought...

Keramon: Keramon, Digivolve to... INFERMON!

Infermon emerges from the smoke cloud, and leaps at the Champions.

Tai: He's Digivolved again!

Izzy: What is it with you and stating the blatantly obvious? Now he's at the
Champion level, like Greymon and Kabuterimon!

Charlene: Hypocrite.

Infermon leaps off the ground, towards the Champions, who move out of his
way. He dives at them again, retracting his legs and neck inside himself.

Kabuterimon: ELECTRO SHOCKER!

Greymon: NOVA BLAST!

The attacks simply splash off of Infermon, and he continues to hurtle
towards them. They move out of the way at the last second, and he jumps
around some more.

Infermon: Bouncy, bouncy, bouncieeeee!

Greymon: He's stronger than a Champion!

Izzy: Excuse me, but I just said he WAS a Champion. Are you questioning my
intelligence?

Infermon leaps into the air again.

Infermon: SPIDER SHOOTER!

Infermon nails Kabuterimon with his attack.

Greymon: Kabuterim-AAGH!

Greymon is hit by Infermon, who lands again.

Tai: Greymon! Kabuterimaagh!

Charlene: I - think - I've - got - it - figured - out - now. He's -
bypassed - the - Champion - level - and - Digivolved - straight - into -
the - Ultimate - level!

Tai: But Izzy said...

Charlene: Do - I - look - like - I - care - what - Izzy - said? He's - too -
strong - for - your - Digimon - now!

Tai: Then they're just going to have to Digivolve again!

Izzy: *grumble* Always questioning me...

DI-DI-DI!

Greymon: Greymon, Digivolve to...

DIGIMON, DIGITAL MONSTERS!

Infermon: Not so fast!

Paul Gordon: Okay, okay...

DIII-GIII-MOOONNNN...

Infermon: Not you!

Infermon dives at Greymon as he Digivolves.

MetalGreymon: ...METALGREYMON!

Izzy: He'd better Digivolve faster!

Infermon blasts MetalGreymon before he can finish Digivolving, and hits
MegaKabuterimon in the same way.

Infermon: Fnarr! I am the smartest villain from a Japanese series EVER!

Infermon cackles and leaps through an exit doorway.

As the smoke clear, Agumon and Tentomon are left floating.

Tai: Agumon! Speak to me!

Agumon: Take me OUT, couch! In the name of all that's holy, take me OUT!!

Izzy: Tentomon!

Tentomon: I'm fine! Just one question - where do babies come from?

Cut to Tai's bedroom.

Izzy: They'll be okay, Tai, they just need to rest for a while.

Tai: I can't believe two Digimon at the Champion level weren't enough,
despite the fact I knew it wouldn't work, as it never worked before during
all of the first season! We're never gonna be able to defeat this thing!

Charlene: You're - being - very - defeatist.

Tai: Shut up, you.

Charlene is about to respond when Izzy moves in between her and Tai.

Izzy: Check this out, Tai - we're getting e-mails from all over the world!
Here's one from that kid Willis in America... he says: "Izzy, I'm sorry, the
dubbers made this all my fault. Find a way to slow him down."

Tai: What's he mean, "his fault?"

Izzy: I dunno... I haven't got that far ahead with the script yet... hey,
Infermon is e-mailing us too!

Izzy opens Infermon's mail, which simply reads "Hello" repeatedly.

Tai: Why is he saying "Hello" over and over again?

Izzy: Look at the address! He's at the telephone company, taking over all
the phone lines! If we lose our phone connection, we're finished! That's the
only way we have access to the Internet!

Tai: Pardon?

Izzy: I said, "that's the only way we have access..."

Tai: You didn't say it like "access," you said it like "oxcess."

Izzy: Well, I didn't mean to...

Tai: Never mind, they'll edit it for the video release. But now, I've got to
warn everyone!

Tai grabs the phone, and dials.

Recorded Operator: All circuits are busy, please try again later.

Tai: Mimi...! *dials again*

Recorded Operator: All circuits are busy, please try again later.

Tai: C'mon, how could that be busy too? *dials again*

Recorded Operator: All circuits are STILL busy...

Tai: Don't tell me...! *dials again*

Recorded Operator: Didn't you HEAR me? It's BUSY!!

Charlene: ...Glenda? Is - that - you?

Recorded Operator: Is that... Charlene?! Oh, my Gawd, it's been years!

Charlene: How - ARE - you?

Recorded Operator: Well, you can see I've got this job now... still single,
though... you?

Charlene: I'm - in - a - relationship... his - name's - Izzy...

Recorded Operator: What happened to Gus?

Charlene: He - just - didn't - measure - up - in - the - size -
department...

Cut to Sora's apartment...

Computer Voice: ...and then... *sniff* ...she told me I wasn't BIG enough
for her!

Sora: You poor thing!

Cut back...

Tai taps his foot impatiently.

Charlene: I've - got - to - go - Glenda - - the - male - oppressor - is -
breathing - down - my - motherboard...

Glenda: Call me! We'll do lunch!

*click*

Tai: As I was about to say... the phone are dead!

Izzy: That Digimon did it!

Tai: Not a single call can get through!

*ring ring*

Tai: Huh? Hello, this is Tai...

Glenda: I forgot to ask...

Tai hangs up angrily.

*ring ring*

Tai: Yello?

Infermon: Hello... do you like scary movies?

Tai: It's Infermon...!

Cut to various shots of phones ringing.

Multiple people: Hello?

More people: Hello?

Even more people: Hello?

Infermon: Would you be interested in switching to our long-distance savings
plan?

Kari (narrating): Talk about speed-dialling... Infermon was looking for
someone, according to this script. He was calling every phone number in the
world!

Back in Tai's room...

Tai: His long distance bill will be enormous!

*click*

Charlene: Ah - crap.

Tai: What?

Izzy: Connection... terminated.

Tai: What next...?

Mrs. Kamiya (v/o): Kids! Cake's almost ready!

Mrs. Kamiya watches the news.

Newsman: Phone lines world-wide have done dead. If your telephone is dead...
please call your phone company.

Mrs. Kamiya: Well, at least my sister can't call me three times a day...

Izzy runs past.

Izzy: See ya!

Charlene: Wouldn't - want - to - be - ya!

Mrs. Kamiya: Are you leaving so soon?

Izzy: Don't worry, I'll be back! And... don't worry about saving me any
cake...

Tai staggers in.

Mrs. Kamiya: What's the matter with you?

Tai groans and slumps over the sofa.

Mrs. Kamiya: Hey, did you hear? The phones are out!

Cut to Matt and T.K....

"Grandma": Massage your grandmother, sweetheart... or you'll regret it...

Quaking in fear, T.K. massages the old woman.

Matt (whisper): Keep her distracted, T.K....

Matt quietly opens his shackles - which he has unlocked - and sneaks over to
the phone.

Matt: *dials* Huh...? Tai says call, and then he wont get off the phone?

"Grandma" is watching TV as T.K. massages her. Matt quietly sneaks back into
position.

Newsman: We interrupt this broadcast for a special news bulletin.

"Grandma": Goody, I hope it's another of those high speed chases! You haven'
t lived until you've been in one of THOSE, let me tell you!

Cut back to the Kamiya's apartment, where Tai and his mom watch the same
bulletin.

Newsman: The phone company has set up an emergency voice mail system. Just
dial 171 for easy instructions. Calls cost 50 cents per minute, subject to
availability, while stocks last, all rights reserved.

Tai: Voice mail! Perfect!

Kari (narrating): Believe me, it wasn't so easy! Not that I'd know, as I
wasn't there, but just believe me. First you had to leave a message, then
call back to pick up a message! Basically, it was just playing phone tag. I
guess.

Tai dials.

Voice Mail Operator: To leave a message, press 1. To hear a message, press
2. To talk to a recording which will do nothing but run you around in
circles, press 3. Please leave your message at the tone.

Tai: Matt, T.K., this is an emergency! Call me right away! Oh, by the way,
this is Tai! *dials* Kari, if you ever want to see any of your toys again,
get home, fast! *dials* Sora...! Sora... I'm sorry about the hairpin, but I
really need to talk to you! Call me back... or just come over!

Outside the Kamiya apartment at that second, is Sora. She reaches towards
the doorbell, but turns away at the last second.

Sora: Hrmph! Stupid Tai! I'll never listen to my computer again...

Back inside...

Tai (exhausted): Hi Mimi, it's Tai, please come over to my house as soon as
you get this message! Bye!

Mrs. Kamiya: Oh, that reminds me, you got this postcard from Mimi in the
mail the other day!

Mrs. Kamiya produces the card from her pocket, and Tai snatches it.

Tai: Reading other people's mail is a federal offence, mother. *reads card*

Mimi (v/o): Hawaii is paradise!

Tai: ACK! Where is that coming from?

Mrs. Kamiya: What?

Tai: CAN'T YOU HEAR THE VOICES?!

Mimi (v/o): I don't have a care in the world - and I'm wishing you were
heeeeere!

Tai: Gah... Mimi...!

Izzy comes through the door.

Charlene: God - I - hate - this - place... you - never - take - me -
anywhere - NICE!

Mrs. Kamiya: Welcome back, Izzy!

Izzy: Thank you. So... when's everybody coming over?

Tai groans and slumps over the sofa again.

Cut to Tai's bedroom again.

Tai: What happened to the good old days when we were a team?

Izzy: We are a team, Tai, we're just kinda spread out right now.

Tai: Where did you disappear to, anyway?

Izzy: Well... I went to pick THIS up!

Izzy holds up a small device.

Izzy: It's a satellite uplink! We can get on to the Internet by tapping into
the military satellite system! That, or direct laser beams to obliterate the
major cities on Earth, so I can begin my grand plan to...

Charlene: Civilian - in - the - room! Civilian - in - the - room! *indicates
Tai*

Izzy: ...to bring about world peace. Ye-es, that's the ticket.

Tai: Izzy, you're a genius! How does it work?

Izzy: Well, do you know what a semi-conductor is?

Tai: Guh...?

Izzy: God, you're a moron.

Izzy attaches the uplink.

Tai: Is it hooked up yet?

Izzy: Just a little while... in the mean time, check the messages to see if
anyone called back.

Tai: Oh, I forgot!

Tai dials.

Voice Mail Operator: You have one new message.

Matt (v/o, as message): Keep a look out for her, T.K.... hey, Tai, it's
Matt. So what's the big emergency? Call me back.

Young T.K. (v/o): Hurry!

Matt (v/o): You have to get me out of here, man! *click*

Tai dials and leaves another message. Shortly, Matt and T.K. listen to it.

Tai (v/o, as message): Matt, T.K., did you guys bring your Digivices?

Matt: Why would we have brought those...?

Young T.K.: Well, actually, I packed them...

Matt: You're a weird little kid, T.K.

T.K. leaves a message, and Tai and Izzy listen to it.

Young T.K. (v/o, as message): This is T.K., of course we have them! What's
goin' on?

Izzy leaves a message, and Matt and T.K. listen.

Izzy (v/o, as message): An evil Digimon has taken over the Internet! Agumon
and Tentomon are fighting it now, but they need help! Get your Digivices to
a computer as fast as you can!

Young T.K.: What do we do now?

The door suddenly bursts open.

"Grandma": Naughty, naughty children! You used the phone! You know Grandma
doesn't like you using the phone! Now Grandma will have to punish you...!

"Grandma" advances on the two boys, when suddenly...

Voice: FREEZE, F.B.I.!

The front door of the house is kicked in, and a contingent of armed F.B.I.
men charge in. More troops come smashing in through the windows, and down
the chimney.

Head F.B.I. Guy: Don't make a move, Granny!

All the troops point their weapons at "Grandma," and she snarls.

"Grandma": You'll never take me alive!

The old woman pulls a knife out of her pantyhose and lunges at the nearest
trooper.

Head F.B.I. Guy: Let's get you two out of here!

Matt and T.K. are escorted outside.

Head F.B.I. Guy: We've been after this one for years! You boys did good,
keeping her talking for so long!

An F.B.I. troop flies out of one of the windows, and lands in front of Matt
and T.K.

Matt: Uh... could you do us a favour? We really need to get to a computer,
fast. It's really important.

Head F.B.I. Guy: Sure, I can help! Hop on my trust F.B.I.-approved moped!

Matt and T.K. get on to the moped, as the Head F.B.I. Guy sits down.

Matt: What's your name?

Head F.B.I. Guy: You can just call me your ol' Uncle Al.

*VROOM!*

Cut back to Tai's bedroom.

Izzy: The uplink's working! We're back on line!

Tai: Now let's exterminate that bug!

Izzy examines the screen.

Izzy: He left the phone company... now where is he?

Tai: He sent another e-mail... "I'm close to him." Close to who?

Izzy: He's in America!

Tai: He doesn't even have a green card!

Cut back to Matt and T.K. on the moped.

Matt: Uncle Al! I said slow down!

Uncle Al: Still can't hear you!

Uncle Al looks up ahead and sees a truck pulling out.

Uncle Al: Dammit, she got away! Hold on, boys!

Al swerves his moped, and bashes into the side of the truck, somehow
toppling it over. "Grandma" falls out of the window, and more F.B.I. men
appear from the bushes and slap the cuffs on her.

Various scenes of Infermon in America can be seen - traffic lights flicker,
and lots of computer and TV screens change to show Infermon's face.

Infermon: How can you possibly live without buying this exclusive 5-piece
ginsu knife set? If you act now, I'll throw in a free dairy powdered
creamer!

Infermon cuts through a soda can.

Infermon: All this could be yours, for the low, low price of
*cough*seventeeneasypaymentsof*cough* $29.95!

*beat*

Infermon: No calls? NONE? GAH! I'll show you! I'll make all the lights in
your city blink! THAT'll learn ya!

All the lights in New York City blink.

Cut back to Tai and Izzy.

Izzy: Well, the Digimon's in New York. He's eaten all the data in Kennedy
Airport, and he's headed for the subway system!

Tai: Great, that'll definitely slow him down! For sure!

Charlene: How - would - you - know?

Tai: Dah...

Izzy: I do have one question, though... what do you think that Digimon would
have been like if the virus never attacked it?

Tai: Muh...?

The computer bleeps, and Matt and T.K. appear in a web-cam window.

Matt: Tai!

Tai: Matt! T.K.!

Izzy: It's at this point that I'd like to point out that neither of us
actually HAS a web-cam...

Matt: Well, we HAVE got the Digivices... is that good enough?

Young T.K.: Now what?

Tai: Awesome! I'll tell Gennai to upload Gabumon and Patamon on to the 'Net!

Matt: You can do that?

The camera pans back out to show that Matt and T.K. are in a barber shop. An
old couple (who we identify from the movie credits as Barney and Aunt Bea)
sit on a bench, while Floyd the Barber gives a shave and a haircut to a man
sitting in the barber's chair - a man who for all intents and purpose
appears to be Uncle Al, but is identified in the movie credits as "Andy."
*sigh*

Floyd: That sounds like fun... usually, I just play solitaire on that thing,
but...

Andy: AUGH! JESUS! FLOYD, YOU CUT MY EAR OFF!

Floyd: Oh, God... it's happening again...

Barney: Kids today are so smart, aren't they?

Aunt Bea: I can't even set the time on my VCR!

Barney: We don't have a VCR, dear.

Aunt Bea: That probably explains it, then.

Tai: Hey, Matt... who are all those weird people?

Matt: They're not weird, they're my best friends! Considering this is the
only computer in town...

Tai: Gennai's transfer of the Digimon is almost complete!

Cut to the neon tunnel again, as Agumon and Tentomon zip along down it.

Agumon: We're goin' back in!

Tentomon: I assume Izzy and Tai were unsuccessful in finding anyone else!

Agumon: Then you and I will just have to try and beat that thing by
ourselves! Of course, it would help if you could go Mega.

Tentomon: It's not my fault!

Agumon: Have you ever even tried?

Tentomon: ...uh... hey, look over there!

Agumon: Oh, no, I'm not falling for that one again...

Gabumon: Sorry we're late!

Patamon: I was surfing the 'Net and I wiped out!

Tentomon: See? It's Gabumon and Patamon!

Patamon: Is T.K. on this ride?

Gabumon: He's not tall enough.

Matt and T.K. appear on screens overhead with Tai and Izzy.

Young T.K.: I'm taller than any of you.

Izzy: Nit pick later, we've got work to do!

Tentomon: Keep your legs and wings inside the ride at all times. Garder vos
jambes et voler dans le tour à tout instant. Mantenga las piernas y las alas
dentro del paseo siempre.

Izzy: Remember, he's dangerous, so stay focused!

The Digimon enter another portion of the Internet.

Gabumon: What's with the scaffolding?

Agumon: It's better not to ask.

Infermon is standing on a piece of scaffolding.

Infermon: The script says I'm looking for the programmer! Don't interfere!
By the way, do you like this big flashing red arrow I made?

Matt: He's teasing us!

Infermon: No I'm not, I'm just asking your opinion.

Tai: Oh yeah?

Infermon: Yeah.

Tai: Let's get him!

Infermon: Can't we all just get along?

Matt: It's time to Digivolve!

Gabumon: Gabumon!

Agumon: Agumon!

Both: Warp-Digivolve to...

DIGIMON, DIGITAL MONSTERS!
DIGIMON ARE THE CHAMP-YONS!

DI-DI-DI!

Kids watch as the two Digimon Digivolve.

Random kid: Play that funky music, white boy!

Paul Gordon: WARP... DIGIVOLVE!

DOOOOO... DOOOOO... DOOOOO... DOOO-DOO!

WarGreymon: WARGREYMON!

MetalGarurumon: METALGARURUMON!

DIGIMON!

WarGreymon lunges at Infermon, and punches him across the face, spinning him
around. MetalGarurumon jumps down, and pushes himself back up off of a
scaffold.

MetalGarurumon: *turns to camera* Hey, kids, put your VCRs on slow-motion,
and you can see me actually hit Infermon! He's a lot bigger than you think,
you know!

MetalGarurumon smashes Infermon.

Young T.K.: Patamon, you better Digivolve!

Patamon: Right! Patamon, Digivolve to...

DI-DI-DI!

Infermon looks up, and jumps towards Patamon.

Infermon: Infermon, Digivolve to... DIABOROMON!

Matt: What's going on?

Tai: He Digivolved!

Charlene: You're - doing - it - again.

Diaboromon: CABLE CRUSHERRRR...

Patamon is slammed into a scaffold.

Tentomon: I'll save him!

Charlene: Psh'yeah - right.

Tentomon is slammed into a scaffold.

Tentomon: Not ONE word, you!

Izzy: Tentomon, are you all right?

Tentomon: I'm fine, what about Patamon?

Young T.K.: Patamon! Speak to me! Are you all right?

Cut to the barber shop.

Young T.K.: I'm coming... I'll come get you!

Matt: T.K.... you can't...

Floyd dials a psychotherapist.

Matt: ...but YOU can!

MetalGarurumon charges forward.

Tai: Wipe him out!

WarGreymon flies towards Diaboromon.

MetalGarurumon: ICE WOLF BITE!

Diaboromon: ...what was that? *BOOM!* Arrhh!! WEB WRECKER!

Diaboromon's attack kicks up a cloud of smoke around MetalGarurumon, and for
some inexplicable reason, WarGreymon flies out of it. Diaboromon smashes off
one of his Dramon Destroyers.

WarGreymon: Well, I hope you're happy! Do you have any idea how hard those
things are to find? Take this, you bastard!

WarGreymon socks Diaboromon one, and his eyes pop out in a strange way which
you can only see if you pause your VCR.

Cut back to Tai's room.

Tai: Tentomon, circle around!

Tentomon: Don't give me orders, and I wont give you hair tips.

Tai: WarGreymon, attack!

WarGreymon: What does it LOOK like I'm doing?!

Izzy: Uh-ohhh... urgh... I think that spinach cookie is catching up to me...

Izzy runs out of the room.

Tai: Trust me, I know how you feel!

Tai turns back to watch the fight.

WarGreymon: Try my new Terra Force Junior! About seventy times smaller than
a regular Terra Force, but packed with vitamins!

WarGreymon and MetalGarurumon are about to fire, but move slowly...

Tai: They're slowing down...!

The two Megas fire their attacks too late, and Diaboromon jumps out of the
way.

Tai: Come ON!

Tai bashes the computer, and an error screen pops up.

Charlene: See - what - that - gets - you? We're - people - too - you - know!

Matt: Tai, where did you go? WarGreymon has practically stopped moving!

Tai shakes the computer.

Charlene: Do - you - honestly - think - that's - going - to - help?

Tai: At least I have HANDS to DO IT WITH!

Charlene: *sniff* Low - blow... bitch...

Izzy re-enters.

Izzy: Woah, I'd give that about ten minutes if I were you...

Tai: I didn't touch anything, I swear!

Izzy: AUGH! Tai, what did you DO?!

Izzy hits CTRL-ALT-DEL.

Izzy: Argh, why did you crash the computer? Now it has to reboot!

Tai: Well, it's not like I did it on purpose!

Charlene: LIES!

Izzy: Yeah, right, just like it wasn't your fault with Sora!

Tai: That wasn't...

Izzy: ...

Charlene: ...

Tai: ...my fault...! Oh... okay maybe it was my fault...

Izzy: What happened?

Tai: *sigh* It was stupid...

Charlene: You? Do - something - stupid? Heaven - forbid...

Tai: ...I gave her this really great hairpin for her birthday...

Charlene: Cheapskate.

Tai: Will you SHUT UP?!

Charlene: You - talk - to - women - that - way - and - you - wonder - why -
they - don't - take - your - calls?

Tai: So, anyway, she got all mad and said "Oh, so you don't like my hair?"
Then I said, "Who can tell, you're always wearing a hat!" and she said "So,
now you don't like my hat?!" It's... very confusing!

Izzy: ...that's what you fought about? That's not a fight, that's a tiff...
you two are so hot for each other it's not even true...

Tai: I tried to apologise, but she wont return my phone calls!

Izzy is staring out the window.

Izzy: Huh? Sorry, what was that last bit? I just noticed that the white
streak in the air outside isn't actually moving in this scene...

Charlene: You're - back - on - line - nimrods.

Tai and Izzy appear on screens again, and see that WarGreymon and
MetalGarurumon are simply floating. They gasp at the devastation.

Tai: WarGreymon! No!

Matt: Where WERE you guys? You sure picked a lousy time to take a lunch
break!

Tai: What happened to him?! WarGreymon!

WarGreymon: Tai, please, stop yelling, I have SUCH a headache... and I can't
move!

Izzy: Your Digimon's a loser...

Tai: What did you say?!

Charlene: He - said...

Tai: I heard what he said!

Izzy: How could two Mega level Digimon get beat by one lousy bug? WarGreymon
quit like a coward.

Tai: You take that back or I'll...!

Tai pushes Izzy to the ground.

Charlene: Ooh! Go - at - it - boys! Rowrrr!

Izzy: I was reading an e-mail from another kid!

Charlene: Aww...

Tai: Well, you didn't have to read it so well. Hrmph... stupid e-mails...

Cut to Diaboromon. standing in blackness, holding a small clock. The
Jeopardy music starts to play.

Diaboromon: Thinking, thinking, thinking hard... Go-oh ba-ack TO the
be-e-ginning!

Back in Tai's room, Diaboromon reappears on the computer screen.

Tai: Diaboromon's back!

Charlene: And - AGAIN!

Tai: He's sending another e-mail... *reads* "Who can count backwards from
ten?" Is he giving us a math test?

A timer appears on screen, counting down from ten minutes.

Young T.K.: What's that?

Matt: Hey... what's with the timer?

The Diaboromon images starts to divide over and over again.

Tai: He's making copies of himself! He's multiplying!

Izzy: It gets worse! The USA just launched two nuclear missiles! Willis says
the government has no explanation for it, but he found out that Diaboromon
is in the Pentagon's computers! I hope I didn't lead him there with my
satellite uplink...

Charlene: I've - told - you - I - don't - like - using - that - thing! Now -
you've - gone - and - doomed - folks!

Izzy: One of the missiles is headed for Colorado! Nngh... they're gonna land
in less than ten minutes!

Tai: Well, that explains the timer - but what's in Colorado?

Izzy: I have no idea!

An e-mail from Willis consisting of "MEEEEE!" comes up on screen, but Izzy
and Tai don't notice it.

Izzy: In the meantime, Diaboromon keeps multiplying!

Tai: But the military has the power to stop it... right?

Izzy: Every country is trying to intercept them, including Japan, but
Diaboromon has infiltrated their computers and has re-routed them to land
harmlessly in the ocean near Hawaii!

Cut to Hawaii.

Mimi: Ooh... nuclear death!

Cut back.

Izzy: I've got the trajectory for the other missile... let me calculate
it... four, carry the two, times three... ACK! Tai, it's aimed right for
this neighbourhood!

Tai collapses on the floor.

Charlene: So... that - missile - launched - from - the - US - taking - ten -
minutes - to - get - HERE... and - the - one - going - to - Colorado - is -
taking - exactly - the - same - time? Me - smell - plot - hole...

Tai: Or you would, if you had a nose.

Charlene: Don't - go - there.

Izzy: Tai, look, e-mails from all over the world! "Get that evil Digimon!
You're our only hope!" - here's another: "Act now and you too can have a
huge co--" AACCK!

Tai: I'm trying to save the world, and you're reading porno!

*click*

Izzy: We just lost our connection!

Tai: Gree-eat!

Tai falls over backwards.

Tai: Hey, that ceiling tile still isn't fixed...

Izzy: Don't worry, I'll get it back! Now, listen, I have to start talking
really fast! I think if we defeat the original Diaboromon, the others will
disappear! All we have to do is defeat each one until we find the original!

Tai: I think I caught all of that... so how many copies of Diaboromon are
there now?

Izzy: Oh no...

Tai: Spit it out, Izzy!

Izzy: There are over seventy-five thousand and counting!

WarGreymon (v/o): Taaaii...

We see WarGreymon right himself.

WarGreymon: Have faith... I'll find the original...

Tai: WarGreymon...

MetalGarurumon: ...what the heck is all this black stuff, anyway?

Matt slaps his forehead.

Izzy: They're so slow... it's because of all the e-mails! They're slowing
down our Digimon's processing speed!

Charlene: Yeaahhhh - - - - jussssstttt - - - - youuuuu - - - -
worrrryyyyy - - - - abouuuuutt - - - - thhhhemmmm... I'mmmm - - - -
ffffiiiiinnnnnneeee...

Izzy: I've got to write to everyone and tell them to stop e-mailing us until
the Digimon are back to full strength!!

Tai: Are you crazy, Izzy? Do you know how long that'll take? There's no
time! Agh... now we're...

Mrs. Kamiya leans over the microwave.

Mrs. Kamiya: Just about...

Cut to Joe.

Professor: Finished!

Joe: It can't... end like this...! Especially as it's NOT finished, and
there's still a couple of minutes...!

"Here We Go" starts playing, as WarGreymon and MetalGarurumon fly along
another neon tunnel.

Check it out, it's Yolei!

Yolei: Who is this girl behind me, anyway? She doesn't look like either of
my two sisters...

Look, kids! RYO!

Ryo: You're never going to get an explanation about me in the US. I just
want you all to know that.

Cut to the barber shop as the stupid, out-of-place guitar solo plays.

Young T.K.: Tell me... will they make it?

Matt: Do I look like I can see the future?

Tai: Don't give up, guys... no matter what, don't give up!

WOAH-OH OH-OH OH-OH-OH-OHHHHH!! *squeal*

Cut from black to...

Diaboromon #236,732: Don't interfere!

Diaboromon #56,237: Don't interfere!

Diaboromon #845,209: Will you get your foot out of my nose?!

Diaboromon #25: Don't interfere!

Diaboromon #601,562: Aw, go on then... interfere!

All the Diaboromons turn and look at #601,562.

#601,562: *grin* I'm just kidding! DON'T INTERFERE!

Matt: How may copies of Diaboromon are there now?

Izzy: To tell the truth, I don't know... I stopped keeping track a while
ago! It's got to be well over a million!

All the Diaboromons start firing on the two Megas at once.

Diaboromon #322, 610: Wait, wait, I wasn't ready! Can we start again?

WarGreymon and MetalGarurumon try to dodge the blasts, but WarGreymon is
nailed. MetalGarurumon is blasted too.

Young T.K.: WarGreymon's started to slow down again!

Izzy: It's the e-mails!

Charlene: Wwweeeee - - - - knnooowwwww....

Izzy: They're coming in faster than ever!

Tai: They're sitting ducks out there!

WarGreymon and MetalGarurumon are blasted repeatedly, until their bodies are
hidden under smoke clouds. The smoke clears, and they float there,
unconscious.

Tai: WarGreymon... I've got to help him...

Tai reaches out towards the screen, and slowly begins to sink down towards
it.

*CLONK*

Tai rubs his head.

Tai: Ow... let me try that again...

Mrs. Kamiya opens the door.

Mrs. Kamiya: Are you sure I can't tempt you with some more jerky juice,
Izzy?

Izzy: Out, Satan!

Mrs. Kamiya: Hmn, okay, if you're sure... hey... where did Tai go?

Kari (narrating): Doo-dee-doo... huh? What? Oh! Sorry, it's been a while...
none of us are sure how, but Tai's bond with WarGreymon was so strong, he
himself became digital!

Inside the Internet, Tai floats down towards WarGreymon's body.

Tai: Hey... I don't have any outlines... funky... WarGreymon...

Matt floats down towards MetalGarurumon.

Matt: MetalGarurumon... get up! Why wont he answer me, Tai?

Tai: Well, it would help if you gave him a chance to. But keep trying!
WarGreymon, listen... I don't have a whistle to wake you... but I want you
to know you're not alone! Okay? The mail keeps coming... it wont stop!
Millions of kids from all over the world are writing to you... they believe
in you... you're the only one who can do it! Feel their hope! Feel their
strength!

WarGreymon heaves and coughs.

WarGreymon: I feel little children.

Everyone screeches to a halt and stares at WarGreymon.

WarGreymon: Woah, MAN, that didn't come out right...

WarGreymon and MetalGarurumon rear up, and their bodies shimmer,
transforming into energy, which flies inside their helmets. Columns
telescope out, as more and more mail windows appear.

Diaboromon #2006: Hey, shouldn't we shoot them, or something...?

Diaboromons: SHHH!!

Glowing figures of energy float from the mail windows, and swarm around the
two heads of the Megas. The mail windows form a shell of white light around
it all, as the Diaboromons snarl.

Diaboromon #640,579: Grr, Grr, and again do I say Grr!

The egg of light falls away, and a new form is revealed!

Young T.K.: They combined!

Izzy: Part WarGreymon...!

Young T.K.: ...Part MetalGarurumon!

Izzy: They Digivolved together to become...?

Omnimon: OMNIMON!!

Diaboromon #349: NOW we shoot at them!

The Diaboromons start firing at Omnimon, who stands his ground.

Omnimon: TRANSCENDANT SWORD!

Omnimon lifts his sword over his shoulder. He points at the Diaboromons with
his free hand.

Diaboromon #10,503: Hey batta-batta, hey batta! Swing batta-batta, SWING
BATTA!!

Omnimon swings his sword around, deflecting the blasts back at the
Diaboromons. Loads of them are destroyed in the explosion.

Omnimon flexes his MetalGarurumon arm, and a huge cannon barrel appears from
out of it.

Omnimon: SUPREME CANNON!

The blasts rip into the Diaboromons, and destroying more and more of them.

Omnimon grabs one of them.

Omnimon: Are you #1?

Diaboromon #1,367,002: No!

Omnimon: Who is #1?

Diaboromon #1,367,002: You are #6.

Omnimon: ...eh?

A giant white rubber ball bounces past and knocks the Diaboromon out of
Omnimon's grip.

Izzy: *faces camera* Bonus points if you get that joke, kids!

Omnimon: SUPREME CANNON!

Omnimon keeps blasting at the Diaboromons, until the entire screen goes
white. When we fade back in, there is just one Diaboromon left.

Izzy: Tai, there's the original! Get him, we're running out of time!

Matt: Omnimon!

Tai: Quick, attack!

Omnimon shifts around, but Diaboromon leaps off to another spot.

Tai: Where is he? ...one minute to go...!

Mrs Kamiya stands by the microwave.

Mrs. Kamiya: One minute to go...!

Cut to Joe, scribbling hastily on his test.

Joe: One minute to go!

Omnimon moves again, but Diaboromon is too fast.

Tai: He keeps moving! Every time we get him in our sights, he jumps some
place else! He's too fast for us!

In Tai's room...

Izzy (thinking): We have the power to destroy him now, but we don't have the
time! Willis was right, we need to find a way to slow down Diaboromon!

In the sky outside...

Squad Leader: Squad leader to command - we were unable to destroy the
target! The missile will impact! Repeat, the missile WILL impact!

Omnimon continues to look for Diaboromon.

Young T.K.: Thirty seconds left...!

Izzy looks at Charlene.

Izzy: I LOVE YOU, CHARLENE! GOODBYEEEEE!!

Charlene: Silence - fool! The - e-mails!

Izzy: Huh?

Charlene: If - we - forward - him - all - the - e-mails - it'll - slow -
him - down - just - like - it - did - us!

Izzy: Keep sending them, kids!

Diaboromon snarls and leaps again.

Izzy & Charlene: YOU'VE - GOT - MAIL!!

Diaboromon: GRRARGH!!

Diaboromon is frozen in place as the e-mails flood into him!

Tai: Ten seconds left! Nine!

Omnimon lunges at Diaboromon!

Tai: Eight! Seven!

Izzy: Aah!

Tai: Six! Five!

The missile rockets down!

Tai: Four!

Diaboromon grunts as he regains normal speed, and turns around!

Tai: Three! Two!

Diaboromon prepares to fire at Omnimon!

Tai: OOOOONNNNE!

*SLAM!*

Omnimon impales Diaboromon through the head with his sword.

Omnimon: Connection... terminated!

Disgusted Parent In Audience: A sword through the head?! Saban's going to
recieve one strongly-worded letter from ME!

The timer blinks back and forth on the final two microseconds.

Diaboromon crumbles to pieces, leaving only his clock.

Diaboromon: What a world... what a world... *gack*

Smoke rises off of Mrs. Kamiya's cake.

Mrs. Kamiya: *sigh* Lousy microwave... how come every electronic appliance
hates me?

Outside, the missile streaks down from the sky, and crashes into the bay
with a huge splash. Sora, who seems totally oblivious to the fact that
anything was ever wrong, poor dear, is in her room as the wave rises up.

Computer Voice: Hey, you have one new piece of mail! Guess who it's from!

Sora: Tai! It's about time!

Computer Voice: You're too hard on the boy.

Sora reads the e-mail.

Sora: Dear Sora... Sorry... threw up... hat... clever metaphor... hot for
me... what's a few raindrops between friends... aww... *eyes go wobbly*
...stupid Tai...

The water from the wave begins to rain back down, as Izzy and Tai lean over
the balcony of Tai's apartment.

Izzy: I'm... about... to barf...

Tai: Wait'll you try the cake...

Suddenly...

Voice: FREEZE, F.B.I.!

The door of Tai's room is kicked in, and armed troops storm in.

Uncle Al: We've traced an illegal satellite systems hacker to this location!
Give yourself up, and there won't be any trouble!

Izzy: You'll never get meee!

Izzy jumps over the balcony and his backpack transforms into a rocket pack.
He jets off over the horizon.

Uncle Al: After him, men! CrestOfKnowledgeKid won't get away this time!

The troops file out of the apartment, as Tai staggers into the living room
and flops down on the couch.

The camera calmly pans back into Tai's room, and along the floor, over to
Charlene, sitting quietly.

Charlene: ...why - is - everyone - looking - at - me?

Cut to a field full of flowers.

Caption: Colorado, USA.

A young boy - Willis - runs and jumps through the field, laughing like a
lunatic.

Kari (narrating): When Willis saw what happened on the Internet, he was as
happy as the rest of us!

Willis's Digimon, Gummymon and Kokomon hop around in the field behind him.

Kari (narrating): So were the twins, who the script persists in referring to
as Terriermon and Kokomon! They figured that would be the end of it...

A dark mist curls up behind the trio...

Kari (narrating): But they were wrong... it was just the beginning...!

Willis turns around.

Young Willis: Huh...? Kokomon...!

Kari (narrating): Willis was about to face the Digi-battle of his life...
but he was all alone! Well, I mean, alone except for Terriermo- I mean,
except for Gummymo- ah, I don't know what I mean.

- - -

CONTINUED IN PART THREE!

- - -

[R. Tech Weaver - Biggest Dreamer]

"Chris McFeely" <Ma...@troy49.freeserve.co.uk> wrote in message
news:9l6pt2$901$1...@news6.svr.pol.co.uk...

>
> Omnimon: Are you #1?
>
> Diaboromon #1,367,002: No!
>
> Omnimon: Who is #1?
>
> Diaboromon #1,367,002: You are #6.
>
> Omnimon: ...eh?
>
> A giant white rubber ball bounces past and knocks the Diaboromon out of
> Omnimon's grip.
>
> Izzy: *faces camera* Bonus points if you get that joke, kids!
>

It's an old TV show called "The Prisoner."

Partially relevant line from Austin Powers:
"Who does Number Two work for!?"

--

/ / Chet "Tech" Weaver's EmotiSig!
(^_^) The only sig with a Koromon Emoticon!

Hey! That rhymes! ^_^

E-mail:
Black...@wrestlezone.com
AIM:
PanGatomon, Rorschach Mask
MSN Messenger:
Nich...@hotmail.com
ICQ:
122744531

Owner of:
Lillymon, Ruki/Rika, Roachmon, Big O, and an IRC Resistance Badge

My Bio on FanFiction.Net:

http://members.fanfiction.net/index.fic?action=directory-authorProfile&useri
d=40019
Member of Neopet Guild "NeoTamers":
http://www.neopets.com/guilds/guild.phtml?oid=dsafonov (Three guess who
founded it.)

[Matrix]

I loved the Prisoner Reference.

Matrix
"I want two plain chicken sandwiches, plain, I want them plain!"

[Charlemagne The Jester King]

>CGI SEQUENCE
>
>Caption: Four Years Later
>
>An animator's hand reaches in and scribbles out "Four."
>
>Kari (narrating): Don't do that! It's actually right!
>
>Animator (v/o): D'oh!

Producer:YOU'RE ALL FIRED! God, I love my job!

>Izzy: Huh...? Prodigious, a computer virus on the Internet!

Charlene:I'm-hooked-up-to-the-internet! I-will-be-infected-you-idiot!

>(Author's note - to be inkeeping with my continuity, this appearance of
>Charlene should be counted as being after "What's Wrong With You People?!"
>but before "The First Annual Digi-Awards!")

Charlemagne's note:That statement is so insignificant I should not be
acknowledging it's existence.

>Kari (narrating): Izzy wasn't the only one - people all over the world were
>tracking the virus, by sheer coincidence!

The Chaos Theory Dude of Jurassic park 1:Nothing is a coincidence! It's all
chaos!

>Kuramon: Hello!

Kuramon again:I will eat you face!

>Tai: Dear Sora - I'm sorry about what happened. I haven't felt this bad
>since the time I threw up in your non-existent hat and didn't tell you about
>it before you put it on! You said you loved thundershowers... why, I can't
>figure out for the life of me... but I think I can use a clever metaphor
>here to get you all hot for me again... so what's a few raindrops between
>friends? With love from the bottom of my heart, and a burning desire for you
>to be my wife and have my children, Tai.

Fry:Aw man! He's had a thousand times more sex than I ever have! Oh wait, there
was that time with those giant chicks sentenced me to death by snu-snu...

>Tai: It's... erm... just... I got sent hentai spam! I wouldn't want your
>innocent eyes to have to bear witness to it! And what are you doing in here
>anyway, Kari?

Mrs. Kamiya:Tai, I told you not to let Kari into my emails anymore!

>Kari: I wanted to annoy the hell out of you. I'm not going to get the chance
>to for a couple of hours, 'cause I'm going to a birthday party.
>

Aisha:Party? Invite me! Ctarl Ctarl are the best partiers partiers!

>Kari (narrating): My brother and I had a give and take relationship - I
>would give, and he would take!
>
>Tai: How are you throwing your voice like that?

Kari(from the sky):I'll never tell you Tai! And all besaue you're an idiot and
I'm a slut!

>Tai tries to snatch box.

Tai:McFeely...How can I snatch box?

>Kari stomps off. Tai hugs the figure.
>
>Tai: We wont let her come between us, will we, sweet Dana? No, it's just
>going to be us...

pink ranger toy:Give it to hard and fast baby! Come on! I know you can do it!

>Tai accidentally drops the figure, and it hits the keyboard. The e-mail is
>sent.

Random Physics Professor:The are between the individual atoms of the computer's
monitor is just too small to allow other solids to pass through, it's literally
impossible.

>Tai: This is all your fault! We're SO over!

pink ranger figure:Please don't do this to me baby! I wanted to eat your
sausage!

>Down on the street, Sora walks past a shop window full of televisions, and
>stop to look at her reflection in a window further on down. She tugs at her
>hat.

Sora:I'm even sluttier than Kari! I'm so slutty I'll sleep with Tai and then
complain and act like I didn't enjoy it! I'm so slutty I enjoy looking at my
reflection!

>A troupe of girl scouts walk past Sora, but

Austin Powers:They're men, baby!

>they all stop and stare at

Austin:Me? I know I make you randy!

>A troupe of girl scouts walk past Sora, but they all stop and stare at the
>TV screens when they change to show Kuramon.
>
>Kuramon: Your cookies or your life!

Ken:I'm the Cookie Kaizer now! All cookies belong to me!

>Elsewhere, Joe is at the train station. He looks at his watch, as the train
>pulls up. His nose in a book, he walks towards it.

Joe:Wow, I guess I walked right through the book. Wait...I forgot if I'm
allergic to walking through things!

>We cut to the Tachikawa household, and see it's the large amount of mail
>poking out of the mail slot. A heart which reads "There Is No Romance In
>Digimon (tm)" falls off the wall.

Rosemon:You wanna bet? Look at me!

>Charlene: What - ever - happened - to - that - nice - backpack - carry -
>case - you - had - in - the - first - series? THIS - isn't - exactly - as -
>comfortable...

Charlene:Although-the-odd-odor-is-quite-arousing-to-me...Hey-how-did-I-get
-aroused-if-I-am-a-machine?

>Out in the country, Matt and TK sit at a small table, as an elderly woman
>walks up behind them

Babamon:You give old hags a bad name, you old hag! Sneaking up on yunguns for a
quickie is just wrong!

Old hag:You wanna bet?

>and sets a plate of... something, I really don't know
>what... down.

No one ever knows...

>Matt and TK glance nervously at each other until the old woman walk away,
>and then we see that they're shackled to the floor as Matt desperately tries
>to pick the locks.

I had a real good one for that JT'd like(hmm...kinky maybe?), but I keep
getting this message cut off...

>Birthday Girl: Hey, Kari, why aren't you holding anything?
>
>Kari: Uh, well, see, I bought you a Power Ranger, but my big brother stole
>it to fondle and stuff...
>
>Birthday Girl: Begone from my sight, wench!
>

Kari:I can't possibly be a wench! I'm a slut you wench!

>Izzy: It's... about the egg... the egg has already hatched!
>
>Tai: *shrieks and throws the egg he's holding out the window*
>
>Izzy: Gah, not that egg! A Digi-Egg!

Armagemon:Yes, it's such a relief when an evil digiegg hatches instead of a
chicken egg!

>Izzy: My Digimon Analyser doesn't even recognise it!

Charlen:My-spellcheck-doesn't-even-recognize-that-word!

>Izzy: Are you kidding? If it stays on the Internet, it could wipe out all
>technology as we know it! Even the stuff that's not connected to the
>Internet! And no, I don't know how!

Captain Omnipotence:I do.

>Izzy: I know EVERYTHING!

Captain Omnipotence:I know more than that!

>Izzy: ...this kid named Willis who IMed me one time and wont leave me alone

WallaceWillisWuss:imsmarterthanuken
KenItchyJoeJijimon:iamsmarterthangodsodontsayyoursmatatanmi!!

>Tai: So what? I'm in junior high school, and I take classes at junior high
>school.
>
>Izzy: Yes, Tai - but you're a dumbass.

Tai:I never knew that...

>Tai: It's sending an e-mail... it says "I'm hungry!" What, am I supposed to
>call for a pizza?

Tsumemon:You fools! I need digital pizza!

>Tsumemon: Just call me Pac-Mon.
>
>Tai: Eat the power pill! THE POWER PILL!

Tsumemon:I'M NEVER GONNA TAKE NO FRIGGIN' PILLS!

>Izzy: And when he's done in this buffet line, he's going to look for a
>database with more food!
>
>Tai: More food? What does he expect to find, a grocery store?
>
>In a grocery store...
>
>Grocery Store Girl: Your total comes to... EEK!
>
>Male Customer: *pulls out gun* Put all the money in the bag, and don't try
>anything funny.
>
>The cash register bleeps and throws itself off the desk, nailing the guy in
>the head and knocking him out cold.

Tsumemon:Who says an evildoer can't be a hero?

>Mrs. Kamiya: Tai, I made beef jerky shakes...

Mrs. Kamiya again:Out of the things I found in my panties too!

>Mrs. Kamiya: Don't you want you shakes?

Kari:I'm feeling so slutty today I want you to shake me!

Austin:The word's shag, baby!
Kari:Whatever!

>Izzy: Oh, gee, y'know, I NEVER thought of trying THAT! How on EARTH could I
>have overlooked such a BRILLIANT scheme?!
>
>Charlene: Hey - - - I'm - supposed - to - be - the - sarcastic - one.

Piedmon:And I'm the gay one! Don't ever call me a straight man!

>Keramon: My name is Princess Angelina Contessa Louisa Francesca
>Banana-Fana-Fo-Fesca the third, but you can call me Keramon.

Pinky:Narf!

>Izzy: I think he's at the Rookie level!
>
>Tai: This soon? He's Digivolving too fast! Now what?
>
>Izzy: Nothing, now.
>
>Tai: You mean we have to sit here and watch that thing eat the world out of
>house and homepage?
>
>Izzy: Hey, that was actually a CLEVER joke!

Random Dubber:A clever joke? I've never heard of that being possible...

>Agumon: Taaaaaai! TAAAAAAAAAAAI!!
>
>Blood trickles from Tai's ears.
>

Patamon:If you think your ears hurt...

>Gennai: A-hyuk, a-hyuk, it's been a long time! ...now, which one were you,
>again?

World's Oldest Woman:You're lookin' hot Genny! I haven't seen someone so hot
since Genghis Kahn!

>Tentomon: That's Izzy, you old coot!
>
>Gennai: Only when I spin around really fast.
>
>*drumbeat*

FEAR THESE BAD PUNS MORTALS!!!!!!!!!

>Agumon: But it is dangerous! The evil Dark Masters were cupcakes compared to
>this guy!

Jagamon:And cupcakes are cupcakes compared to...This joke sucks! I want a
refund!

>Gabumon: Mmmm, cupcakes... but, uh, we found a way to enter the Internet!

Alraumon:Are you as high as me?
Psychemon:My skin has pretty colors...
Tsukaimon:Purple Fog is so cool...

>Patamon: We'll help you guys, 'cause you were the best friends we ever had!
>
>Tentomon: And what better way to express friendship than by saving your
>world?
>
>Izzy: Tentomon...
>
>Tentomon: Please, don't get so emotional... I might have to kick your sissy
>ass.

Myotismon:Yay! Someone will finally destroy those pesky kids!
Vamdemon:You mean kill, you idiot.
Myotismon:My name is better than yours!

>Tai: Thanks guys - you wont be alone! We'll be right here on the computer!
>
>Charlene: I - have - a - name - you - know.

Dexter's Computer:So do I, but I prefer to be called Dexter's Computer as a
sign of loyalty.

>Tai: Not you, this bigger one.
>
>Charlene: You - men - are - all - the - same!

Random Transexual:What about me?
Random Indeterminate Person:No one cares.

>Tai: Our Digivices will help you Digivolve, and together, we'll Digisquash
>that Digibug!

Ash Ketchum:And I'll help by Poke'n 'em all!

>Gatomon: Curse you, wall, I WILL walk through you if I keep trying!

Mr. Continuity:Now how did you get to a wall? No one ever said where you
appeared...

>Gennai: It'll take a minute for Agu-whatsit and Tento-whoozis to get on the
>Internet. My modemmy thing's older than I am!

DemiVeemon:Did someone call for me?

>Tai: I'll call the other DigiDestined so their Digimon can help too!

Tai again:No, I'll ask my mom to whore herself to the bug to get him to go
away!

Mrs. Kamiya:Sure honey, I'll whore myself out to you if you want too.

>Tai: This is Tai Kamiya! May I speak to Joe, please? *beat* A test? He's the
>only kid I know who volunteers for summer school! Though it's not as if that
>matters, as it's only March...
>

Piedmon:It's not that the puncline matters...The whole joke is an overused
atrocity!

>Tai: Hi, is Matt or T.K. there? *beat* Missing? *beat* No sign of them for a
>week? *beat* Received a note? With a phone number on it? *beat* Why am I
>repeating everything you say as a question?

Davis:Is it because you know how to ask questions better than me? Aw blast it
all! He's better at everything than me!

>*beat* I can go to where? *beat*
>Thank you, ma'am.

SkullSatamon:Come any time you wish...My door is always unlocked!

>"Grandma": You're selling ties?
>
>Tai: No, my NAME is Tai... I need to speak to Matt or T.K. right away!

"Old Hag":You're bi and you want to buy some from my? My what?

>
>Mimi (recording on answering machine): Hi, this is Mimi! I'm so glad you
>called - let's get together for lunch!

Answering Machine:If you're ugly just hang up right now. That goes for you
Austin! I'll never shag you again!

Austin:That hurts baby...
{machien stops}

>Mrs. Kamiya: Don't be ridiculous, dear. Kari's eight. EIGHT YEAR OLDS DO NOT
>NEED CELL PHONES. Try phoning the party, which is obviously what happened in
>the Japanese version of this movie.

Mrs. Yagami:Ichi!
Charlemagne's note:That pun sucks...

>Birthday Girl: I think if I try, I can get my mouth open wide enough to eat
>this whole cake in one go...

Birthday Girl:Afterall I was the first one in my class that actually blew a
horn!

>The camera pans over to show Kari standing in the corner, occasionally being
>flogged by the birthday girl.

Kari:Flog you too!

>Izzy: Tai, I hate to point this out, but, your phone wasn't cordless in the
>last shot.

Bad Dubber:My bad!

>(Author's note - look in the movie itself. You'll see that the Kamiyas'
>phone does change from having a cord to being cordless when Tai throws it to
>Izzy. And that's just not right)

Hmm...Maybe I shoulda watched to movie more than once when I rented it...Nah.

>Computer Voice: So you wont talk to him, but you wait on the edge of your
>seat for e-mail from him? What's up with that?
>
>Sora: You wouldn't understand.
>
>Computer Voice: Oh, wouldn't I? Let me tell you about someone I once knew
>named Charlene...

Dexter's Computer:Little do you humans know, we also have very intimate
relationships!

>Miko sits in front of the big computer, with Charlene beside him.
>
>Charlene: Get - away - fleabag - - - you - bother - me.

Miko:I've got ticks, not fleas!

>Tentomon: The colours... dear Lord, the colours...

Hawkmon:Dear lord, he's even more Brittish than me!

>Agumon: A hacker could figure that out in ten seconds...

World's Best Hacker:Cool. I'm bored again, so I think I'll crash the stock
market yet again...

>Tentomon (whispers): He doesn't know we're here yet!
>
>Agumon (whispers): Let's sneak up on him quietly!
>
>Tentomon (whispers): Super Shocker.
>
>A little sputter of electricity jumps from Tentomon's antennae, and gently
>floats down. It bumps into Keramon, creating a little static shock, and
>making the bug jump.

Izzy:Well, that's nothing out of the ordinary from Tentomon.

>Tai: Huh? That should have worked, but it didn't!

Some Guy From Toei:They never see it coming! No one ever knows the important
characters are always alive int he dust clouds! Ha-haha!

>Tai: Keramon's sending us another e-mail... it says: "So you like to play
>games, huh?"

Ogremon:Anybody wanna play strip poker?

>There's a lot of pointless homoerotic grunting as Greymon and Kabuterimon
>jump from wall to wall.

Some Guy From Toei:Yes! Everyone likes pointless homoerotic grunting! People
will like it even more in Dragon Ball XXX!

>Infermon: Bouncy, bouncy, bouncieeeee!

Warner Brothers:Boingy boingy boingy boingy...

>Tai: But Izzy said...
>
>Charlene: Do - I - look - like - I - care - what - Izzy - said? He's - too -
>strong - for - your - Digimon - now!

Random Dead Guy:Do I look like I ever cared when people told me not to dance in
front of moving trains?

>Infermon: Fnarr! I am the smartest villain from a Japanese series EVER!

Oy...And to think so many people think just because something's from Japan it's
good...

>Tai: I can't believe two Digimon at the Champion level weren't enough,
>despite the fact I knew it wouldn't work, as it never worked before during
>all of the first season! We're never gonna be able to defeat this thing!

Davis:It didn't work because you gave you goggles to me! I'm the cool one now!

>Izzy: Check this out, Tai - we're getting e-mails from all over the world!
>Here's one from that kid Willis in America... he says: "Izzy, I'm sorry, the
>dubbers made this all my fault. Find a way to slow him down."

WallaceWillisWuss:Everything's my fault in America. Even things before I was
born are my fault.

>Tai: Never mind, they'll edit it for the video release. But now, I've got to
>warn everyone!

...

>Charlene: ...Glenda? Is - that - you?
>
>Recorded Operator: Is that... Charlene?! Oh, my Gawd, it's been years!
>
>Charlene: How - ARE - you?
>
>Recorded Operator: Well, you can see I've got this job now... still single,
>though... you?
>
>Charlene: I'm - in - a - relationship... his - name's - Izzy...
>
>Recorded Operator: What happened to Gus?
>
>Charlene: He - just - didn't - measure - up - in - the - size -
>department...
>
>Cut to Sora's apartment...
>
>Computer Voice: ...and then... *sniff* ...she told me I wasn't BIG enough
>for her!
>
>Sora: You poor thing!
>
>Cut back...
>
>Tai taps his foot impatiently.
>
>Charlene: I've - got - to - go - Glenda - - the - male - oppressor - is -
>breathing - down - my - motherboard...
>
>Glenda: Call me! We'll do lunch!

Dexter's Computer:I'm the sexiest computer ever. Someone do me now!

>Infermon: Hello... do you like scary movies?

Piedmon:Scary movies give me the willies! Their plots are almost as bad as my
dialogue!

>Infermon: Would you be interested in switching to our long-distance savings
>plan?

Carrot Top:I'm a better spokeperson than him because I've got red hair!

>Newsman: Phone lines world-wide have done dead. If

You know where I can learn proper English, please call me!

>Newsman: Phone lines world-wide have done dead. If your telephone is dead...
>please call your phone company.

Phone Company:Don't make fun of us again or we'll sue!

>Mrs. Kamiya: Well, at least my sister can't call me three times a day...

Mrs. Kamiya:She could do a few other things for me at least three times a day
though...

>"Grandma": Massage your grandmother, sweetheart... or you'll regret it...
>
>Quaking in fear, T.K. massages the old woman.

Jijimon:How about giving your grand-DADDY a massage?

>Kari (narrating): Believe me, it wasn't so easy! Not that I'd know, as I
>wasn't there, but just believe me. First you had to leave a message, then
>call back to pick up a message! Basically, it was just playing phone tag. I
>guess.

Kari narrating again:Basically, I'm just a slut who wants more SPECIAL
attention. I guess.

>Voice Mail Operator: To leave a message, press 1. To hear a message, press
>2. To talk to a recording which will do nothing but run you around in
>circles, press 3. Please leave your message at the tone.

To hang up, try Russian Roulette.

>Sora: Hrmph! Stupid Tai! I'll never listen to my computer again...

Random Spirit:What about me, the voice inside your head? Will you ever listen
to me?

>Mimi (v/o): Hawaii is paradise!
>
>Tai: ACK! Where is that coming from?
>
>Mrs. Kamiya: What?
>
>Tai: CAN'T YOU HEAR THE VOICES?!
>
>Mimi (v/o): I don't have a care in the world - and I'm wishing you were
>heeeeere!
>
>Tai: Gah... Mimi...!

Mimi voice over again:Everyone loves my voice!

>Izzy: It's a satellite uplink! We can get on to the Internet by tapping into
>the military satellite system! That, or direct laser beams to obliterate the
>major cities on Earth, so I can begin my grand plan to...
>
>Charlene: Civilian - in - the - room! Civilian - in - the - room! *indicates
>Tai*
>
>Izzy: ...to bring about world peace. Ye-es, that's the ticket.

Zechs Marquise:Killing everyone is massive wars is the only way for true peace!

>Tai (v/o, as message): Matt, T.K., did you guys bring your Digivices?
>
>Matt: Why would we have brought those...?
>
>Young T.K.: Well, actually, I packed them...
>
>Matt: You're a weird little kid, T.K.

Random Dude:Because the first two syllables in any monster show's name must be
at the beginning of every copyright for that series.

>Izzy: He left the phone company... now where is he?
>
>Tai: He sent another e-mail... "I'm close to him." Close to who?
>
>Izzy: He's in America!
>
>Tai: He doesn't even have a green card!

Espanola!

>Infermon: How can you possibly live without buying this exclusive 5-piece
>ginsu knife set? If you act now, I'll throw in a free dairy powdered
>creamer!

And that's not all! I'll also show you how to ruin things that you'd never
think could be ruined worse than the original product!

>Infermon: All this could be yours, for the low, low price of
>*cough*seventeeneasypaymentsof*cough* $29.95!

But due to the fact that no one buys our products, the price has been increased
the 1995 payments of $19.95! Afghanistan and Congo Republic residents add sales
tax.

>*beat*
>
>Infermon: No calls? NONE? GAH! I'll show you! I'll make all the lights in
>your city blink! THAT'll learn ya!

Mandark:Ha-haha!

>Tai: Great, that'll definitely slow him down! For sure!
>
>Charlene: How - would - you - know?
>
>Tai: Dah...
>
>Izzy: I do have one question, though... what do you think that Digimon would
>have been like if the virus never attacked it?
>
>Tai: Muh...?

Homeless Person of Inderteminate Gender:Hey you. You, with the six legs! You
got any money?

>
>Barney: Kids today are so smart, aren't they?
>
>Aunt Bea: I can't even set the time on my VCR!
>
>Barney: We don't have a VCR, dear.
>
>Aunt Bea: That probably explains it, then.

But what explains the lack of good jokes?

>Agumon: Then you and I will just have to try and beat that thing by
>ourselves! Of course, it would help if you could go Mega.
>
>Tentomon: It's not my fault!
>
>Agumon: Have you ever even tried?
>
>Tentomon: ...uh... hey, look over there!

Mr. Continuity:There will always be a stronger enemy! They're always going to
need to become stronger!

>Patamon: I was surfing the 'Net and I wiped out!

The real funny thing here is that joke isn't funny.

>Patamon: Is T.K. on this ride?
>
>Gabumon: He's not tall enough.

Vegeta:I'M NOT A CHILD YOU FOOLS! I AM THE PRINCE OF THE ENTIRE SAIYAN RACE!

Random Operator:Yeah, yeah! That's what they all say! Security!

>Tentomon: Keep your legs and wings inside the ride at all times. Garder vos
>jambes et voler dans le tour à tout instant.

I don't feel like going to a translator to figure that out...

>Infermon: Can't we all just get along?

Vamdemon:That's a brilliant scheme! I would've conquered the universe years ago
if more people thought like that!

>Random kid: Play that funky music, white boy!

Random Albino Kid:DON'T CALL ME WHITE BOY!

>Diaboromon: CABLE CRUSHERRRR...
>
>Patamon is slammed into a scaffold.
>
>Tentomon: I'll save him!
>
>Charlene: Psh'yeah - right.

Well, at least Charlene is relatively intelligent...

>Diaboromon's attack kicks up a cloud of smoke around MetalGarurumon, and for
>some inexplicable reason, WarGreymon flies out of it.

WarGreymon:Wow, this proves that I like this kind of editing once and for all!

>WarGreymon: Well, I hope you're happy! Do you have any idea how hard those
>things are to find? Take this, you bastard!
>
>WarGreymon socks Diaboromon one, and his eyes pop out in a strange way which
>you can only see if you pause your VCR.

Cool.

>Tai: Tentomon, circle around!
>
>Tentomon: Don't give me orders, and I wont give you hair tips.

Heh.

>Tai: WarGreymon, attack!
>
>WarGreymon: What does it LOOK like I'm doing?!

Diaboromon:So cute, he's practicing ballet!
Diablomon:I am evil because my name has devil in it! Haha!

>WarGreymon: Try my new Terra Force Junior! About seventy times smaller than
>a regular Terra Force, but packed with vitamins!

...

>Tai bashes the computer, and an error screen pops up.
>
>Charlene: See - what - that - gets - you? We're - people - too - you - know!

YEA-HAHAHA!

>Charlene: Do - you - honestly - think - that's - going - to - help?
>
>Tai: At least I have HANDS to DO IT WITH!

Dexter's Computer:I also have hands.

>Tai: *sigh* It was stupid...
>
>Charlene: You? Do - something - stupid? Heaven - forbid...

Indeed.

>Tai: ...I gave her this really great hairpin for her birthday...
>
>Charlene: Cheapskate.

Fa real!

>Tai: Will you SHUT UP?!
>
>Charlene: You - talk - to - women - that - way - and - you - wonder - why -
>they - don't - take - your - calls?

Kari:Except for me. I'm so slutty!

>Tai: So, anyway, she got all mad and said "Oh, so you don't like my hair?"
>Then I said, "Who can tell, you're always wearing a hat!" and she said "So,
>now you don't like my hat?!" It's... very confusing!
>
>Izzy: ...that's what you fought about? That's not a fight, that's a tiff...
>you two are so hot for each other it's not even true...

...

>Tai: I tried to apologise, but she wont return my phone calls!

I also tried to apologise, but people say it can't be done.

>Izzy: Your Digimon's a loser...
>
>Tai: What did you say?!
>
>Charlene: He - said...
>
>Tai: I heard what he said!

Random Def Guy:Yeah, SUUUUUUUURE!

>Tai pushes Izzy to the ground.
>
>Charlene: Ooh! Go - at - it - boys! Rowrrr!

Charlene:I'd like to take this moment to ponder where I got my name...

>Cut to Diaboromon. standing in blackness, holding a small clock. The
>Jeopardy music starts to play.

...

>Izzy: One of the missiles is headed for Colorado! Nngh... they're gonna land
>in less than ten minutes!
>
>Tai: Well, that explains the timer - but what's in Colorado?
>
>Izzy: I have no idea!

Neither does anyone else.

>Charlene: So... that - missile - launched - from - the - US - taking - ten -
>minutes - to - get - HERE... and - the - one - going - to - Colorado - is -
>taking - exactly - the - same - time? Me - smell - plot - hole...
>
>Tai: Or you would, if you had a nose.
>
>Charlene: Don't - go - there.

Japanese Writer:Don't make fun of me! All is well, o lord buddhamon!

>Tai: Hey, that ceiling tile still isn't fixed...

...

>Yolei: Who is this girl behind me, anyway? She doesn't look like either of
>my two sisters...
>
>Look, kids! RYO!
>
>Ryo: You're never going to get an explanation about me in the US. I just
>want you all to know that.

Cool.

>Cut to the barber shop as the stupid, out-of-place guitar solo plays.
>

Neat-O.

>Diaboromon #236,732: Don't interfere!
>
>Diaboromon #56,237: Don't interfere!
>
>Diaboromon #845,209: Will you get your foot out of my nose?!
>
>Diaboromon #25: Don't interfere!
>
>Diaboromon #601,562: Aw, go on then... interfere!

Cool.

>Diaboromon #322, 610: Wait, wait, I wasn't ready! Can we start again?

Nope.

>WarGreymon and MetalGarurumon try to dodge the blasts, but WarGreymon is
>nailed. MetalGarurumon is blasted too.
>

Don't you mean wasted?

>Kari (narrating): Doo-dee-doo... huh? What? Oh! Sorry, it's been a while...
>none of us are sure how, but Tai's bond with WarGreymon was so strong, he
>himself became digital!

Kari:Does that mean I can become a digital slut now?

>WarGreymon: I feel little children.
>
>Everyone screeches to a halt and stares at WarGreymon.
>
>WarGreymon: Woah, MAN, that didn't come out right..

At least now we know what he does in his spare time.

>Diaboromon #2006: Hey, shouldn't we shoot them, or something...?
>
>Diaboromons: SHHH!!

Cool.

>Diaboromon #349: NOW we shoot at them!

Diaboromon #000:We will only attack an enemy ten thousand times more powerful
than us!

>A giant white rubber ball bounces past and knocks the Diaboromon out of
>Omnimon's grip.
>
>Izzy: *faces camera* Bonus points if you get that joke, kids!

ReBoot. I had completely forgotten about that ep...Hella cool show it was after
Enzo became the guardian.

>Mrs Kamiya stands by the microwave.
>
>Mrs. Kamiya: One minute to go...!

Random Dude:Only one more minute? I thought I paid you more than that...

>Izzy & Charlene: YOU'VE - GOT - MAIL!!
>
>Diaboromon: GRRARGH!!

Diaboromon:I'm too anti-social to have email!!!!!

>Izzy: I'm... about... to barf...
>
>Tai: Wait'll you try the cake...

Cool.

>Voice: FREEZE, F.B.I.!
>
>The door of Tai's room is kicked in, and armed troops storm in.
>
>Uncle Al: We've traced an illegal satellite systems hacker to this location!
>Give yourself up, and there won't be any trouble!
>
>Izzy: You'll never get meee!
>
>Izzy jumps over the balcony and his backpack transforms into a rocket pack.
>He jets off over the horizon.

Nice.

>
>Charlene: ...why - is - everyone - looking - at - me?

HAHAHA!

>CONTINUED IN PART THREE!

I'm done then.
--
"The only offense is the way that mailbox was laughing at me."
-the Big Guy

[R. Tech Weaver - Biggest Dreamer]

"Charlemagne The Jester King" <random...@aol.com> wrote in message
news:20010814031755...@mb-fn.aol.com...

> >
> >Kuramon: Your cookies or your life!
>
> Ken:I'm the Cookie Kaizer now! All cookies belong to me!
>

Kuramon: All your cookies are belong to us!!

[Gets pelted with trash and various other items]

--

/ / Chet "Tech" Weaver's EmotiSig!
(^_^) The only sig with a Koromon Emoticon!

Hey! That rhymes! ^_^

E-mail:
Black...@wrestlezone.com
AIM:
PanGatomon, Rorschach Mask
MSN Messenger:
Nich...@hotmail.com
ICQ:
122744531

Owner of:
Lillymon, Ruki/Rika, Roachmon, Big O, and an IRC Resistance Badge

My Bio on FanFiction.Net:

http://members.fanfiction.net/index.fic?action=directory-authorProfile&useri
d=40019
Member of Neopet Guild "NeoTamers":
http://www.neopets.com/guilds/guild.phtml?oid=dsafonov (Three guess who
founded it.)

Join NeoPets here!:
http://www.neopets.com/refer.phtml?username=dash_x

[Charlemagne The Jester King]

>Kuramon: All your cookies are belong to us!!
>
>[Gets pelted with trash and various other items]

...Well at least I know someone looked at that site and understood it...

[Saint Paul]

"R. Tech Weaver - Biggest Dreamer" <nich...@hotmail.com> wrote in message news:<9lbmkv$jkk$1...@suaar1ab.prod.compuserve.com>...

> "Charlemagne The Jester King" <random...@aol.com> wrote in message
> news:20010814031755...@mb-fn.aol.com...
> > >
> > >Kuramon: Your cookies or your life!
> >
> > Ken:I'm the Cookie Kaizer now! All cookies belong to me!
> >
> Kuramon: All your cookies are belong to us!!
>
> [Gets pelted with trash and various other items]

I was thinking it, he said it