Message from discussion List for September 3 - 6 / 02
From: JZA <j...@westley.org>
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Subject: List for September 3 - 6 / 02
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Date: Sat, 07 Sep 2002 19:01:27 -0500
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'Hanks Secrets' and 'Actual Items', Denis Leary, 'Too
Long Sports Chant', Eve, The Violent Femmes
'Triumph at the MTV VMAs', Janeane Garofalo, 'Jerry
Lewis Telethon Corporate Check Presenters', Tom Kenny,
'Ford Secrets' and 'In the Year 2000', Jeff Goldblum,
'Dying Like James Dean', John Miller, And You Will
Know Us by the Trail of Dead
'Paltrow Secrets' and 'SAT Analogies', Topher Grace,
'Interrupting Phone Calls', Jamie Lynn Sigler, Kevin
Best Guest Male:
Denis Leary - I really like his segments, he's funny
and sarcastic and tells it like it is. He'd make a good
Jeff Goldblum - he's funny and quirky and did a good
job with 'In the Year 2000'. Bonus points for being
very Sorvino. I don't think anyone at the show planned
to have his segment be two guys talking about plastic
Best Guest - Female:
Janeane Garofalo - Always very funny and honest and
I agreed with everything she said. Don't see a problem
with bringing some notes with ner so she'll get to all
the topics she wanted to cover, with of course, the
exception of how to solve the Middle East crisis.
And You Will Know Us By the Trail of Dead - usually
the musical guests don't count for the weekly best/
worst catagories, but I'll make an exception in their
Best Thing Max Should Copy From James:
The sexy drumming James does when Conan does the
Question of the Week #Inflated Nielsens:
How many folks here have watched 'American Idol'? I've
never seen a single minute of that show. I've heard about it;
sounds a little like 'Star Search' mixed with 'Survivor'. If you
have seen the show, what's with all the big hoohah
surrounding this show?
Best Audience Response:
After Conan said Liza Minelli and her husband were
going to adopt a baby, the 'oooh' as in 'oh-oh' response
from the audience.
Best Proof 'Late Night' Has a Better Liquor Cabinet
Than the 'Tonight Show':
Conan flubbed the easy part of the 'Lord of the Rings' joke.
Best Scene Not Seen:
Conan did the angry ferret fit again. At home in Boston,
Mom O'Brien did not freak out. Usually Mom watches
the show in bed with Dad O'Brien beside her, sleeping
and snoring. But this time, she was in bed with Abe
Vigoda, who was not sleeping, not snoring and not
exactly *beside* Mom O'Brien.
Best Monologue Joke - Tuesday:
The Russian space program kicked out Lance Bass "Because
of late payments. In a related story, Greyhound announced it
has cancelled MC Hammer's trip to Cleveland."
Conan's Best Rant:
Triumph and that asshole Eminem at the MTV VMA awards.
"Then Eminem's posse, his homeys, his bodyguards, who
were sitting next to him, see a puppet next to Eminem, and I
guess they've been trained in simulated exercises, if a puppet
gets near Eminem, you take the puppet down.
So they leap to their feet and they rush over and they shove the
puppet and they get between the puppet and Eminem and they
create a human shield, protecting Eminem from the puppet.
Eminem then leaves and gets to a safe area....
And the worst thing is...Just as it starts to get ugly, and I think,
interesting, MTV which is supposed to be like really cool, like
'MTV! Ow! The edge! Yeeow, MTV!'...MTV, in their infinite
wisdom, cuts away. 'CUT AWAY!' So they quickly cut away
and announce 'And now we join Avril Levine'....who's 14,
singing a song about lollipops."
My Favorite 'Actual Items':
-Springfield IL ad for rare collectible coins, including the
Pat Sajak dime.
-Danville IL ad for Xmass-like strings of lights, "Now
even people in airplanes will know that you're white
-Scarsdale NY ad for men's pajamas, "Be your paperboy's
first object of sexual confusion." I'd like to see that acted
out. Mr. Jones opens the door just as the paperboy is
delivering the paper, "Why, hello there, Billy. Don't you
look nice today? Say, would you like to come in and ..
join me....for some delicious PopTarts?" "Uh, no thanks,
Mr. Jones, I'm already dating Michael Jackson."
-Santa Clara ad for clear plastic storage boxes, "Watch
with amusement as your towels thrash around without
-Madison WI ad for an inflatable pool, "Think of it as a
big blue bag that holds your family's bacterial stew."
Coolest Black Leather Jacket:
Best Take on Show Business in General and the MTV
VMA Awards in Particular:
Denis Leary, "A lot of people in this business, as you
know, have their heads firmly implanted in their own
Conan, "Right. I'm one of them. It's true."
Leary, "And that's a big head, Coz."
Denis Leary, "I think, in the last fifty years, besides Kermit,
there's no greater puppet than Triumph."
Re: Triumph and Eminem at the MTV VMA awards,
Conan, "J.Lo actually kind of played along."
Denis Leary, "She's got a big ass too, her head'll fit right up there."
Conan, "I think we could get all our heads in there."
Best Story to Make the 'PowderPuff Girls' Proud:
At a family gathering at the Cape, Denis Leary's son's bike
was stolen. So all the kids, mostly girls, got on their bikes,
went down to the DairyQueen, confronted the thief and got
the bike back.
Most Sarcastic Line:
Denis Leary, asking the audience if they've seen his new
show 'Contest Searchlight' and after getting back only a
smattering of applause, said, "Alright, great, thanks."
Denis Leary for 'Contest Searchlight', "If you sit down
next Sunday night and watch Comedy Central, you're
going to laugh - sorry - your ass off so make sure your
head's out of it first."
Best Subject That Should Have Been Explored Further:
Denis Leary talked about a guy at a hockey game who
thought 'Contest Searchlight' was real and asked Leary
about Peter Gallagher being in the hospital. Leary couldn't
believe people were really that stupid, "...but then again,
Anna Nicole Smith sums it all up." I wanted to hear
more of Leary ranting specially about Anna Nicole Smith.
Best Segment Ending:
Denis Leary and Conan promoting the Leary Firefighter
Fund charity event in
Worcester, Mass., next month.
Comedy Bit That Has Degenerated Into A 'Just Shut Up
Already, Willya?' Endurance:
The 'Too Long Sports Chant'.
Conan and the Emmy's.
Most Surprising Guest:
Eve. As a rapper and an actress, I was expecting someone
with more attitude problems. However, she turned out to be
a charming and personable guest.
Last Tattoos You Would Get If You Actually Grew Up
Tattoos that looked like your dogs had jumped on you
with muddy feet.
Conan's Best Line #Pebbles Reardon:
Conan said his name as a rapper would be 'Ice Man'.
His first album would be titled, 'The Ice Man Cometh.'
Best Guest Line #In Gratitude:
Eve talked about getting expensive gifts, like diamond
necklaces, from male groupies.
Conan, "Did you say, 'I can't accept that'?"
Eve, "I said, 'I can't accept this. Thank you'."
Best New Catch Phrase:
Calling yourself a bitch. Eve's a bitch, I'm a bitch, Meredith
Brooks is a Bitch, so's Al Bell, Heather, Mia, Boobookitty,
Rae, Conan'sBabe, Conan'sGirl, and Jerrica.
Best Guest Topic #Letitia Baldridge:
The etiquette of who can be called a bitch or a 'beeyotch',
by whom and under what circumstances.
Best Future Guest Introduction:
Conan, "She's a beeyotch with a big bootie, ladies and
gentleman, Jennifer Lopez!"
Best Scene Not Seen:
The reaction of her kids when Mom O'Brien announces
she's divorcing Dad O'Brien, charging abandonment, and
will marry Abe Vigoda. And you thoughtthe McCartney
kids reacted badly when his marriage to Heather Mills was
James Wormworth's Best Line:
After again drumming a sexy beat to Conan's string
dance, Conan said,"That's stripper music you're playing!
And you don't want to see that!"
James, "Yes, we do!"
Best Monologue Joke - Wednesday:
RE: Judge Simon Powell of 'American Idol' has signed on
for a second season for $1 million, "Not only that, Paula
Abdul is about to sign up for a second season because
producers said she could live in her dressing room."
Other Best Monologue Joke - Wednesday:
The U.S. Congress will hold it's first session in NYC in
over 200 years, "When asked to comment, Strom Thurmond
said, 'I'm anxious to see how the city's changed."
Best Audience Applause:
When Conan was ranting about MTV cutting away from
Triumph and Eminem during the VMA show, "...and they
cut away and cued Christina Aguilera to come out in some
ho outfit...I'm serious, I don't know if you saw what she
The audience applauded and whooped because they did see
what Aguilera was wearing and yes, it was a ho outfit.
Triumph's Best Lines in 'Triumph at the MTV VMAs':
-"I'm told this is Busta Rhymes. Either that or Whoopi
Goldberg got a sex change."
-"So you're The Strokes, yes? Look how cute you are.
You're like The Monkees with a drinking problem."
-"Christina Aguilera, a true superstar who's not afraid to
dress like a desperate groupie."
-"It's David Alan Grier. So tell us about your new sitcom
that's going to be off the air in two months."
-To Sean Puffy Piddy Diddy Combs, "Don't you remember
that time in the limo? You stuffed a gun up my ass to hide
it from the police."
-Calling the 'American Idol' judge an asshole several times.
-In the press tent, wearing a medical collar and complaining
he couldn't lick himself when Christina Aguilera showed up
but that "I saw Moby licking himself to Christina and later
on to Jimmy Fallon."
-Re: Eminem, "I mean, my mom was a bitch too but I don't
go around writing songs about it."
-Re: Eminem, "At the end of the day, he's just another white
guy trying to make an honest living stealing black people's
Best Guest Line #First Things First:
Janeane Garofalo told Conan she wanted to talk about
the MTV VMA show, "And also, I have solved the Middle
East crisis, but if we have time.."
Best Guest Line #Meaningless Nielsens:
Janeane Garofalo on how FOX has been gushing about
'American Idol's 20 million viewers, "What they don't tell
you is like 19.5 million of those tune in to mock it. I mean
you watch it to mock it. You don't watch it to like 'Oh I
really love this kind of music, this is so great'."
Conan, "I have a hard time ridiculing that kind of viewer
because I rely on them too."
Best Time For Conan to Pipe Up 'HEY! I'm Hosting the
Emmy's in a Few Weeks!'
Janeane Garofalo, "Awards shows are so compellingly
awful that you must watch them."
Best Guest Line #Victoria Beckham:
Janeane Garofalo, re: Justin Timberlake's solo effort, "Did
he really have to break away from those guys for THAT?
At least when he was still with them, they could all shoulder
Best Guest Line by Proxy:
Janeane Garofalo, "Jay Christian Emerte once said 'In
lieu of creativity, there is an undue emphasis on sexuality.'
Which you could apply to MTV and television in general.
Conan's Best Question:
"Can the ladies pants get any lower?"
Janeane Garofalo, "They are so....Here's the thing about
the MTV awards also, after the show, you just go 'wow,
I almost saw everyone's vagina!'."
Best Guest Question:
Janeane Garofalo, after ranting about folks like Justin
Timberlake and Christina Aguilera copying the 'blaccent',
"I mean, did you guys come up the hard way through
the Mickey Mouse club?"
Best Scene Not Seen #2:
The O'Brien kids, all except Conan who couldn't get out of
NYC, hold a meeting. They have to stop Mom from marrying
Abe Vigoda. They decide someone has to track down Dad
in Canada, while the rest of them will concentrate on killing
Vigoda. They take a vote and chose Conan to be the one to
go to Canada while they stay in Boston and take on the
easier task of murdering Vigoda.
Question of the Week #I Can't Place Him:
Conan said Tom Kenny was sometimes a skit performer
on 'Late Night'. I don't remember seeing him, was this a
few years ago?
Best Guest Story:
Tom Kenny's on how he got the 'SpongeBob SquarePants'
by remembering a voice he heard several years ago at an
L.A. studio, of a nasty and bitter old midget in the next
room auditioning for a Christmas thing.
Question of the Week #And a Purse?
Tom Kenny talked about the Internet debate on whether
the 'SpongeBob SquarePants' character 'Squidwords', who
likes bubblebaths and classical music, is gay. Does
Squidwords carry around a lit candlelabra?
Best Guest 2-Second Impression:
Tom Kenny as Charles Nelson Reilly.
Best Way to Get Yourself Kicked Out of Disneyland:
Become overly protective of the costumed characters
and mean to the kids who are trying to meet them.
Conan after the string dance with drum beat, "I have got
to stop doing that. It is not a good way to start a show."
Best Monologue Joke - Thursday:
Re: the 'American Idol' finale, "Kelly, a former waitress,
defeated Justin, a future waiter."
Best Doctored Photo:
Re: the Canadian parliament has called for the legalization
of marijuana, Conan, "I think that Canadians have gone
way too far, take a look at this -" Photo of the Canadian
flag with a marijuana stem instead of a maple leaf.
Conan introduced the guest line-up including the band
And You Will Know Us by the Trail of Dead, "I wish Ed
Sullivan had lived long enough to announce that name on
his show. 'The Trail of Dead!' His head would have
Makes you wonder about the Ed Sullivan show, if it was
still on now, would Britney Spears and Christina Aguilera
be shown only from the neck up?
Best Almost Cinemax Moment:
After sitting down at the desk, Conan asked Jimmy Vivino
about his guitar,
"Did you put your guitar through the washing machine?"
Vivino, "It's a Mando Phantom Guitar."
Conan, "How emasculating."
Conan then mocked the guitar and teased Vivino about
impressing the ladies with the small guitar.
Vivino, "It's not the size."
Best 'Ford Secrets':
This was way better than 'Hank Secrets'. My favorites:
"It's not easy being a celebrity. Once, this little kid, cute
little kid, asked me for an autograph. I gave it to him. He
said, 'Thanks, Mr. Hanks.' I took it away from him, tore
it up and told him Tom Hanks was dead."
"In the movie 'Witness', I played a policeman who went
undercover and pretended to be Amish. I could never be
Amish. For one thing, they're not allowed to touch
themselves." All the while, Ford's hand moved off the
table and into his lap.
My Favorite 'In the Year 2000' Predictions:
-Justin Timberlake and 'American Idol' Justin Gurrini will
join forces on a hit single called 'Just Intolerable'.
-Liza Minelli and her husband will indeed adopt a baby.
However, people will assume it's their biological child
when the baby begins popping tranquilizers in gay
-After failing to travel into outer space, Lance Bass will
return from Russia and declare the whole thing to have
been a hoax. He was never a musician or a singer.
-Players will play but umpires will strike, leaving baseball
games up to the honor system. While cheating rampantly,
the Mets will still lose one hundred games.
-Bandits will attack Queen Elizabeth. To save her life,
she will have to call upon the knights sworn to defend
her - Elton John, Mick Jagger and Paul McCartney.
-People who said Nicholas Cage and Lisa Marie Presley's
marriage wouldn't last a lifetime are proven wrong when
the couple dies during a high speed race to divorce court.
-Due to the success of the Anna Nicole Smith show, the
E! network creates a similar program starring a bloated
body found in the East River.
Best Scene Not Seen #3
Luke telephones Conan and tells him he's been chosen, by
unanimous vote, to go to Canada and find Dad. Conan
asks about the absentee ballot, meaning his own vote. Luke
informs him if he really wanted to vote on the matter, he
damn well could have gotten to Boston and attended the
meeting. But he didn't show up so now he has to go to
Canada, find Dad and 'don't you dare come back without
him.' Before Conan can say 'But I got a show to do', Luke
hangs up on him.
Biggest Shame About the Jeff Goldblum Segment:
He was already out there sitting down when it started, we
didn't get to see him walk out and stand next to Conan. I
wanted to compare their heights, because I think, but not
sure, that Goldblum is taller.
Who They Were Really Thinking About #1:
Jeff Goldblum and Conan started talking about the aging
process. Goldblum said 'you cant cheat it forever' and Conan
pointed out Dick Clark, who's'getting creepy' because he
Conan could have also pointed out Bill Clinton.
Who They Were Really Thinking About #2:
Jeff Goldblum said re: plastic surgery, "It always looks
creepy, it doesn't work, does it?"
He was thinking about Joan Rivers.
Conan's Best Line #The Ted Kennedy Thing Again:
"I mean the minute plastic surgery becomes affordable
to me, I will get it. The minute I can get some, I will
have my whole head..., I'm Irish and we get big fat
heads. I want the bones sanded down on either side
so I have like a thin, appealing head."
Who They Were Really Thinking About #3:
Jeff Goldblum, ranting about "You know those girls with
the lips? Lips like that? That never works."
Who They Were Really Thinking About #4:
Conan, "I think what's sad is when the do start to age later
on and they put fifty pounds of collogan and, basically I
think it's also insulation, home heating insulation, into
their....it doesn't age well."
Best Source of News:
Jeff Goldblum. I've never heard those reports of people
injecting Botox under their arms so they wouldn't sweat, or
about the 17-year-old kid, embarrassed that he blushed so
much got something somewhere snipped so he woulnd't blush
anymore. Conan, "Why not just remmove the shame center
from your brain?"
Who They Were Really Thinking About #5
Jeff Goldblum, re: foolish things people do to their hair,
that you don't notice the successful drastic measures,
"But every toupee looks horrible to me. They have dog's
hair, it's terrible and hormones you know. It's just terrible."
Best Guest Line #Yup, Because I've Seen Those People:
Jeff Goldblum, re: colored contact lenses, "But all it is is
a horrible painting around the colored part, leaving the
little part in the middle there. It always looks like
'Children of the Damned' in some horror movie."
Jeff Goldblum's story about going to the psychic surgeon
reminded me of when my husband and I went to southern
California and were driving around Anaheim, almost a
decade ago. There was a psychic and/or fortuneteller on
every block, advertising big and proudly the work that
they did. I took photos of these places because you didn't
see that sort of thing in Minnesota. Even now, you still
Best Compliment/Best Illusions of Grandeur Combo:
Jeff Goldblum, re: people coming on talk shows to
promote their latest project, "We see people do this all
the time, that's why people come on your show."
Conan, "No, they come on the show to see me and
spend time with me."
Goldblum, "Well, that's why I do."
Conan, "Not to promote things....[pityingly] ha ha ha."
Goldblum, "That's why I do it." and he called the
show one of his "favorite places."
This Week's 'Start With a Good Idea, Tack on A
Bad Ending' Comedy Skit:
Thursday's middle comedy skit, the guy from the audience
telling Conan to die in a horrible car crash while he's at the
top of his game, just like James Dean. Conan was convinced,
died in a horrible car crash but fifty years later was not
remembered as a cool dude.
The audience guy should have mentioned Marlon Brando,
as somebody Conan would not want to end up like. Or
he could have mentioned Steve McQueen and that new
Sheryl Crow song could have started up.
I was hoping James Dean would have shown up and
argued the other side. "Don't do it Conan, I didn't want
to die, I wanted to stick around longer and get a chance
to nail Marilyn Monroe."
The band is paid by the second.
Most Sorvino Moment in the John Miller Segment:
Mostly a rather Gaffigan interview, except after Miller
joked about the mob and two guys found in a trunk of
a car at the airport, "With their heads tied together and
they wereshot in the back of their hands. They're really
not up to par anymore."
That joke bombed but Miller kept going, "The back row
is starting to get it right now."
Conan, "Oh, they get it, they're just angry."
Miller, "Take it easy, I saw your monologue."
Conan, "I was about to get you back and then I notice
there's a police shield on your ring so I'll leave you
My Take on the Drum Destroying Finale from the
Band And You Will Know Us By the Trail of Dead:
First of all, it was appallingly unoriginal. The Who did
it better, with more style and panache, but of course the
Who was also a much more talented band, musically
Second, it's not a good way for some hooky, college-kid
band to get a lot of appearances on TV shows. If TV
bookers think a band is going to trash the place, they'd
rather make the trashing worthwhile and get The Who.
Third, was Conan honestly pissed off or not? It was
hard to tell. First he looked pissed but before the
commercial break, before the mics were off, he told
them "That was great."
Lastly, remember Goldfinger? They've never been back
to the show either, even though Conan said he was fine.
Best Monologue Joke - Friday:
The NFL had a big kickoff concert in Times Square on
Thursday, "Unfortunately, the concert woke up all the
former XFL players sleeping in Times Square."
Other Best Monologue Joke - Friday:
"Guy Ritchie says he cut most of Madonna's nude scenes
out of his latest movie because he doesn't want everyone
to see his wife naked. Unfortunately for Ritchie, he's
about 15 years too late."
Best Audience Member:
The guy who looked like Vin Diesel.
Gwyneth Paltrow's lighting for 'Paltrow Secrets'. You
could too plainly see the skull beneath the skin; it was
Best 'Paltrow Secret':
"In 'Shakespeare in Love', I played a woman playing
a man playing a woman. In actuality, I'm a man who's
playing a woman playing a man playing a woman. So
my apologies to anyone who's ever whacked off to me."
What made this 'secret' special was Conan's follow-up,
Best Scene Not Seen #4
Killing Abe Vigoda is not as easy as it sounds. He's a
hell of a lot tougher than Rasputin and has more lives
than a whole barnyard of cats.
My Favorite 'SAT Analogies':
- Signal to evacuate school building : fire alarm ::Signal
to evacuate movie theatre : Now showing 'Pluto Nash'
- Justin Guarini 2002 : appearing on FOX's 'American
Idol' :: Justin Guarini 2007 : appearing on FOX's
Even though that's really stretching the definition of
- Tony Soprano : made man :: Cher : man made
- Crazy : stalking Serena Williams :: Lazy : stalking Ted
- Boston archdiocese sex abuse settlement : 10 million
dollars :: Michael Jackson : Didn't realize there were
discount rates in Boston
- Pinata : a candy-filled treat for children :: Anna Nicole
Smith : a Quaalude-filled treat for America
- Big Mac without the cheese : 20% less fattening ::
N'Sync without Justin Timberlake :: 80% less gay.
Best First Line:
Topher Grace telling Conan he's glad to be there and that
"Late Night' is one of his favorite shows.
Least Delusional Line:
Conan, re: taking breaks from the show, "America
demands Conan constantly. We've tried every now
and then, I'm gone for like a day and America is just
Last Subject Conan Wants Guests to Bring Up:
His 'sick crush' on Cher.
When Topher Grace was talking about how he promised
to take his mother to a concert and she chose a Cher
concert, brought back memories of when I took my
mom to a Neil Diamond concert.
Best Stunt For a Show Like 'Contest Searchlight':
Two members of Jay Z's posse tell him their sick and
can't go out clubbing and partying that night, but they've
contacted a really hip temp agency and the agency is
sending over two replacements - Topher Grace and
Best Guest Line #New Jersey Shoreline:
Topher Grace talked about going to a friend's wedding,
and asking another friend if he should bring a date or
go stag; the friend responded, "Why bring sand to the
'That 70's Show' in German.
Best Dressed Guest:
Jamie Lynn Sigler.
Worst Kind of Show Business Relationship:
Dating your manager. No matter what Celine Dion
says, it's still a bad idea.
Best Guest Line in Another Guest's Segment:
Conan asked Jamie Lynn Sigler about having her
house profiled on 'MTV Cribs' and complained that
he's never been asked to be on that show. Conan
looked at Topher Grace, "Have you been on 'Cribs'?"
Topher Grace, "No, they asked but I think that's
Best Way to Make Your Home Seem Dull:
Be on the same 'MTV Cribs' episode as Wayne
Newton, who has a penguin farm at his house.
Best Point to Ponder This Weekend:
'MTV Cribs' asked Wayne Newton to be on the
show but they won't ask Conan?
Best Time to Call Up PETA:
When you see Wayne Newton shooting penguins
down the 900 foot Slipe-and-Slide at his house.
Best Scene Not Seen #5:
Conan, via the internet and the CIA, found out Dad O'Brien
is in Churchill, Manitoba. Conan packs up and is almost
out the door of 30 Rockefeller when he is stopped by the
Masturbating Bear. Churchill becomes the polar bear
capital of the world during the fall months and the
Masturbating Bear begs and pleads and implores Conan
to take him along.
Only Good Part in Kevin Brennan's Stand-Up Routine:
The part about Britney Spears inspiring girls to dress
like sluts and inadvertantly losing her virginity on the
NYC subways. The rest of his stuff was pretty lame.