ABSTRACT: 3/13/96
Damone
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ANNOUNCER: 'Listen, I'm the fire marshall for this floor, and I say it's
time to stop, drop, and roll.'
MONOLOGUE
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- A New York woman claimed that John Claude Van Damn was the father of her
baby. Then someone explained to her that all babies have trouble speaking.
- Yesterday, New Hampshire police say a dog saved its owner by dialing
911. The police say it is the same dog that has been ordering ribs.
- After recent primaries, Steve Forbes hinted he might drop out of the
race. Actually, he said he would have to build his own white house and
find some other people to play president to.
- In an effort to boost sales, Coca Cola came out with a new can that is
more appealing and more comfortable to hold. The show got a picture.
[Shot of Coke can with naked breasts moulded into it.]
WALKOVER MUSIC: ?
DESK BIT
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Conan and Andy Critique Art: In order to bring more class to the show and
educate the people, Conan and Andy decided to show some classical art
and comment on it.
- A painting by Nicolas Pousar (sp?) of The Holy Family: Conan comments on
how the balance of composition makes it an example of classical style.
Andy counters that the emotion and evocative nature place it within the
Baroque style.
- Surat painting of three bathing women: Conan comments on the use of
dots to create texture. Andy says there certainly is texture in the
form of razor stubble. [Andy rubs a leg to the sounds of rubbing stubble.]
- A painting of Egyptian women worshipping an image: Conan says it is a
shame they can't see what the image really is. Andy has the photo
enhanced to reveal Bob Dole.
- A Picaso painting: Conan says that a distinction of Picaso was that the
eyes and and noses were askew, like the next work: A shot of Lyle Lovett
- A painting of Christ addressing fishing Apostles: Conan says that this
is a classical religious work, but it still has a modern sensibility in a
detail on the boat: 'Our tuna is dolphin safe.'
- An abstract painting: Conan talks about the use of broad splotches of
color to shock the viewer, like in the next work: A shot of Tammy Fae
Baker. [Andy rubs her face to the stubble sound.]
- The Last Supper: Conan talked about the surprise they found after its
restoration: A children's table in front of the table.
- Scooby Doo animation cell: Conan said that animation cells are becoming
big items, like this one where Scooby flees from the killer: OJ Simpson
on a cartoon body.
- 'Diana Bathing:' Conan talked about its modern version, 'Diana Cleaning
Up:' Princess Di carting out loot in a wheel barrow.
- 'Oscar Winner:' Conan said how this painting of Babe with an Oscar is
typical of modern artists using popular figures in their paintings.
There is another one with Babe, 'Oscar Meyers:' A shot of Oscar Meyer hot
dogs. [The franks are beef franks, ruining the joke. Conan mentions they
were supposed to be changed after rehersal. Andy gets up and blocks out
the 'beef' so it just says 'franks.']
[BUMPER: NYC skyline]
(commercial)
[BUMPER: Max and Band]
Conan Prime Time Special: Conan says that they've been on for over three
years and that they deserve a prime-time special, but the network is
still wary about it. Starting tonight, he and Andy were going to start
selling the network on the idea by giving reasons why they should get a
special.
1) Older people watch prime time, and Andy and Conan are incredibly
popular with older people.
[Shot of Conan and Andy being mobbed by old folks as they come out of 30
Rock on the way to their limo. They eventually let one old woman groupie
in the limo and drive off.]
GUEST: Montel Williams ('Montel Williams Show,' 'Matt Watters,'
'Mountain, Get Out Of My Way')
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- Conan rubs Montel's head with stubble noise.
- Conan asks about his daytime show. Montel says he is now tied for
number two, with Oprah being number one. His show started in 1991, when
there were only four shows. Many have come and gone since.
- Conan asked about the 'sleeze' issue. Montel said 'respectable'
journalists do sleezy things like the interviews with Gingrich's mother
and Elizabeth Hurley. His show has a registered psychologist on call,
tries to help people at home as well, and he treats his guests with respect.
- Conan asked about Montel meeting his wife on the show. She was a
burlesque performer from Las Vegas and was a guest on a 'Mother-Daughter
Stripper' show. She turned him down and gave him attitude. After a
while, they got together and progressed to marriage.
- Conan asked about 'Matt Watters.' Montel said they did seven episodes
and are waiting from word from the network. Conan asked if he was going
to name his character 'Montel Williams' and spend his nights solving
crimes. Montel said he and Conan should get together and do a show
called 'Conan and Montel.' Conan said if they don't get the Prime Time
Special, Andy and Conan would get a show with him where they are all
private eyes.
[BUMPER: Audience far shot]
(commercial)
[BUMPER: Conan head and arms on Empire State Building]
BIT:
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Moths
- The moths fly out, praising Conan, and rubbing their antennae on him.
- Conan once again asks what they like about the show. They says they
like everything: the stunts, the sex scenes.
- Conan says he does none of that and wants them to admit they just like
him because he is a source of light.
- They say they do, and love flying around his pasty white head.
- Conan says it is at least good to know they are his number one fans.
They says they aren't anymore and like his competition better: a new
street lamp. They brought a clip.
- [Moths cavorting around lamp.]
- Conan is depressed about this. They say he is still in their top
three: The Street Lamp, Snyder, then Conan.
[BUMPER: Moths flying around light]
(commercial)
[BUMPER: NYC skyline]
GUEST: Rondel Sheridan (comedian, 'Minor Adjustments')
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Standup:
- Read a book on Turette's Syndrome, which makes people curse. Four and
a half million people have it, and they all live in New York.
- Was on plane where they said the cabin is pressurized for your
comfort. He said the plane is pressurized so his brains don't spurt out
of his head. The pillows and blankets are there for comfort.
- Talked about plane to Las Vegas, the happiest plane ride in the world:
people start talking about how much money they have. The ride back is
the quietest in the world. You can hear people crying in the bathroom.
- He always loses in Vegas. He lost $2000 in eight minutes once. Guy next
to him said that it was just over eight minutes after he lost. He's
addicted to bacara, a high stakes, complicated game. He hung around the
ropes long enough and got invited in. They explained the rules, and he
lost. He changed his bet, and then lost. He said that only an idiot
would play this game, then said he wanted to play again.
Interview:
- He talked about speeding in New York. He said you couldn't even get
pulled over if you sped with a body hanging out of the trunk. The cops
would tell you to put a flag on the body.
- He talked about drivers in New York. Instead of getting out of the way
of fire trucks, they speed up and become an escort. He said it is stupid
to have 'ambulance' written backwards so you know what it says because it
is obvious when an ambulance is behind you.
[BUMPER: Side shot of desk]
(commercial)
[BUMPER: Band]
Tomorow's Guests
[BUMPER: Band]
(commercial)
[BUMPER: Back shot of desk]
GUEST: John Irving ('Trying To Save Piggy Snead,' 'World According To Garp')
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- Conan comments the new book is an odd size and shape. John says it is
short and squat like he is.
- Conan asks what he does when he gets a bad review. John says he hopes
he just gets really bad ones, because faint praise is the worst thing to
get. He likes to get obvious loathing and gets off on bad reviews.
- He says he now has a visual representation of reviewers who trash him.
On a flight with his son, he saw a woman on the plane reading 'Garp' who
obviously did not like the book. She crushed the book, ripped it up, and
stuffed it in her air sickness bag. His son kept trying to hint to her
who John was. They got stuck in a holding pattern, and she had nothing
else to read, so she had to get the book out of the bag and start reading
it again. She stopped quickly and ripped and stuffed it again.
- Conan aksed him about how he began writing. John said he had no
system, but he needs to know how the story ends before he can begin the
story.
[BUMPER: Max]
(commercial)
[BUMPER: COLD]
Goodnight everybody...
CREDITS SPLIT SCREEN: Conan, Andy, John, and Rondel at desk.
(end)
[PRODUCTION NOTES: It looks like the show will finally be getting a
Prime Time Special. It looks like they are going to do a gradual
build-up to it like they did with Grady. Go prime-time.]
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Damone
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