ABSTRACT: 5/8/96
Damone
ABSTRACT: Wednesday, May 8th 1996 "Late Night with Conan O'Brien" #591
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ANNOUNCER: OMITTED DUE TO BASTARDIZED OPENING. WRITE CONA...@AOL.COM TO
PROTEST THIS CHANGE. NOW.
MONOLOGUE
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- A new study by the AMA shows having sex does not trigger heart
attacks. However, getting caught does.
- Boris Yelstin called Clinton and talked for twenty minutes. He wanted
to know if Ross and Rachael were still going out.
- A new study shows that the treadmill burns the most calories. The
study was conducted by George Jetson.
- Last night, Dole announced he would be making more an effort to appeal
to women. He went too far when he started stuffing his pants.
WALKOVER MUSIC: ?
DESK BIT
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Conan And Andy Critque Art: In order to bring some culture to the show,
Conan and Andy decide to look at and evaluate great pieces of art.
- "La Chateau:" Conan talks about how it reflects the post-impressionist
tension between reality and invention. Andy counters about how the use
of dark colors in the foliage brings out the texture of the work.
- Rembrant portrait: Conan talks about the use of light and dark colors
for shading. Andy thinks the guy has a booger.
- "Two Brothers:" Conan talks about this painting was copied later:
Painting of the Menedez brothers in the same pose.
- Mitese (?) nude: Andy shaves off her underarm hair.
- "The Last Supper:" Conan talks about the details that are still
relevant today. They zoom into a "No Smoking" sign.
- Hitler had asperations for art that were rejected by art schools.
Conan shows his "Beautiful Woman:" Red's owner Margaret Schott. Andy
shaves her nose hair.
- Hannah-Barbera animation cell of a concert: Conan tells how animation
cells are big business these days. He said the original version of this
cell wasn't as popular: huge cartoon Pavorotti blocking everyone else out.
- "Heache" (A Slurpee): Andy asks why it is called that. Conan whips out
two straws and they both drink it down and get ice cream headaches.
- Van Gough self-portrait: Conan said there was something missing from
this picture. Painting of his ear. Conan shows a more recent
self-portrait: John Wayne Bobbitt. Andy said there's something missing
from this one, too. They both bow.
- Gainsborough's "The Painter's Daughters Chasing A Butterfly:" Conan
told how the painter used his daughters in a series of works. He shows
the later "The Painter's Daughters Chasing A Guy Named Frank" with two
biker sluts chasing a biker.
- Picasso's "Weeping Woman:" Conan said he also did another lesser-known
work by the same name: picture of Richard Simmons crying.
[BUMPER: NYC Skyline]
(commercial)
[BUMPER: Conan in Warhol painting]
BIT: Conan shows the most recent in the "McDonalds is growing up" ads
with Ronald going to a gun range.
GUEST: Fabio (Professional beefcake, model)
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- Conan and Fabio talk about having weird names.
- Conan asked Fabio about getting his start as a model for romance
novels. Fabio said he started out doing "Gap" ads, but his agent got him
onto novel covers. Conan shows one of Fabio's covers. He then shows one
of his own. [Conan O'Brien "Passion's Prisoners"]
- Conan asked about the "real Fabio." Fabio said he is a very normal guy
and likes going on dates with women. Lots of women send him pictures,
some with clothes, some without. He said he responds to people based on
the letters, not the pictures.
[BUMPER: Max and band]
(commercial)
[BUMPER: Audience]
- Conan asked him about ardent fans. Fabio said he was having breakfast
when a woman rushe in screaming she was having sex with someone who
worked for Fabio. She then dropped some pubic hairs as proof into his
eggs. She said she had some semen, too, and Fabio protected his orange
juice. She started reading a letter about her fantasy with him, and she
began to have an orgasm. Fabio got security to remove her. When he got
to his car, he found it covered in mashed potatoes and beans.
- Conan asked if he would get married and if that would cripple his
career. Fabio said there is time in life for everything, and if he found
his soul mate, he would marry her tomorrow. He said he'd chose love over
career.
- Conan asked him about his role as spokesman for "I Can't Believe It's Not
Butter." Fabio talked about his series of comercials where his character
ate too much butter, died, was made into a statue, and then was brought
back to life by "I Can't Believe It's Not Butter." Fabio then does a
romantic monologue pitch to women for the product.
[BUMPER: Max]
(commercial)
[BUMPER: Tomorrow Night's Guests]
BIT:
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The show keeps the phone lines open during the show. Conan decides to
listen in to some of the calls so far:
[The calls run while clips from the show so far run on the screen.]
- Someone calls to tell Conan he has something in his eye.
- Some guy calls and tried to get Conan to go for a knock-knock joke.
- Some woman cals telling home much she loves Fabio.
- A teenager calls to say how much he likes the show and his father picks
up during the call and starts yelling at him.
[BUMPER: Band]
(commercial)
[BUMPER: Conan in "Apollo 13"]
GUEST: Margaret Smith (Comedic)
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- She said the crowd was in a good mood, and that's what set them apart.
- Said she recently saw her mom, but it was ok because she didn't see her.
- She said her friends tried to talk her into using Prosac. They all
went on it, and everything is ok now.
- She said misery loves company: look at a fly strip.
- She talked about tatooes. A friend got one "m" on each cheek, and when he
bends over, he says "wow."
- She talked about labia peicring and how hard it would be to go through
security at an airport.
- She talked about debt and how she paid bills by picking them out of a
hat. A guy kept harassing her and she threatened to take him out of the hat.
- Even though she's broke, she treats herself to things, like underwear.
- She talked about how her underwear was inspected by Mary Lou. Because
underwear is inspected, you never have recalls. She said a tag on her
couch said "Inspected by:". If it was Mary Lou, she would have been
freaked out, since she was already in her pants. And she never called.
- She wondered about old people boxing. She said Foreman must pee his
pants a little every time he gets hit.
[BUMPER: Conan and Margaret]
(commercial)
[BUMPER: Band]
GUEST: Ming Na Wen ("Single Guy," "ER," "Street Fighter," "Joy Luck Club")
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- Talked about Conan's appearance on "The Single Guy."
- Conan asked her about being in the "Street Fighter" movie with John
Claude Van Damn. She said she was in great shape, but the camera always
settled on Van Damn's butt.
- Conan asked her about being in the video game for the movie. [Clip of
video game with Ming as "Chun Li" beating up Van Damn as "Guile"] Conan
asked her about the little victory dance she did after winning a match.
- Conan asked her about her audition for "ER." She said she was nervous
and had to do a proctology exam for her audition. She studied up on the
proceedure and brought latex gloves to the audition. She tried to get
the casting guy to be her patient, but she had to mime a proctology exam.
[BUMPER: Far shot of stage]
(commercial)
[BUMPER: COLD]
Goodnight everybody...
CREDITS SPLIT SCREEN: None
(end)
[PRODUCTION NOTES: I loved the McDonald's parody myself.
Psycho-Ronald. The new, clipped opening has got to go. Mail
cona...@aol.com and tell them to put the old opening back.]
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Damone
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