Mary groo Year!
Opus the Penguin
whenever he gets back.
As all of you know, our good friend groo has produced summary after
summary at the rate of more than once a week for over a year. The
summaries are things of beauty that justly receive accolades,
expressions of gratitude, and offers to bear groo's children. (Ok,
maybe not that last one. Perhaps you gals are just shy.)
But I'm sure you've also noticed that the summaries lack something.
There is a big gaping hole right where all groo's own contributions
should be. This is natural. The man doesn't want to put himself
forward. And he ought not to be asked to judge which of his own
witticisms are worth preserving.
This post is here to rectify that problem. It doesn't go back for a
full year, but it does go back to June 1. Here they are. These are
the things groo said that I thought you might like to read again.
Groo, you're the best. Everyone, enjoy.
RAISON D'ÉTRE
Modesty does preclude me from describing my own bon mots as
monitor-splatter-worthy, although I will let an occasional one creep
into the "mottos" section. I probably am the most modest person on
earth. Perhaps the universe.
GROO - MEET THE MAN IN HIS OWN WORDS
Mildly interesting at the very most...I'll let you pick one. My eyes
are bionic, but I only have 20/40 vision. I've chatted with Walter
Cronkite, and once shook hands with Muhammed Ali. I lived in
Scotland for 2 years. I know how to operate an electron microscope.
I used to have a pretty high IQ, but can't remember now where I left
it. I can burp at will. I've gone scuba diving off the coasts of
Malaysia, the Phillipines, Cancun, Grand Cayman, and Lake Travis. My
favorite toy as a child was a Lone Ranger figurine with only one
hand, whom I used to hang quite regularly. I'm a Jewish ex-Catholic
Atheist who has recently converted to Pastafarianism. I love
cucumbers but despise pickles. I taught myself how to play piano,
very poorly. I can pull a loop of string through my neck without
causing my head to become detached. I've successfully skydived, but
have never successfully water ski'd. The first computer program I
ever wrote was on punchcards. I know how to pronounce ceilidh
without looking it up, and have been to a few...one in a castle
whilst dressed as a monk. I much prefer beer to wine. I didn't know
how to spell my middle name until I was in the third grade. My
youngest sister was named after the family dog. I was once
referenced in the Wall Street Journal as "who's husband". I always
confuse "lied" and "laid" and "layed" and probably will continue to
do so no matter how you explain it to me or what mnemonics you
provide. Dogs generally like me, and mosquitos love me, but they
express their affection in different ways. I was a National Merit
Finalist, and damn near flunked out of college. On my sixth
birthday, I fell down the kitchen stairs and hit my head on the
washing machine, knocking me unconscious. A photograph of me
sleeping once went out over the UPI wire. I convinced Campbell's to
stop putting chunks of celery in their chicken noodle soup. I once
threw an underwear party. When I see a picture of people with bare
feet, I usually count to see if the people have the right number of
toes, or at least, what I consider to be the right number. In eighth
grade, I got sent to the vice-principal's office for talking about
dildos in math class. I dislike riding a bicycle without toe clips.
I can never remember which is warp and which is weft, probably
because I care too little. I've seen some of the moons of Jupiter
through a telescope. I miss Asterbark.
FACTS AND SUCH
As some people here have speculated, one of my local grocery stores
appears to use the information to do targeted marketing. I now get
coupons printed out that seemingly take into account things I've
bought in the past (and not necessarily on the visit where I get the
coupon). For example, I buy lactase enzyme pills, as I am lactose
intolerant. At my last visit to the grocery store, I did not by
lactase pills, but got a coupon printed out when I paid for my
purchases for lactase pills. I suppose it could have been a
coincidence, but I doubt it.
An upper limit on the rest mass of a photon has been measured, but
no lower limit.
One of the most exciting basketball games I've ever seen had a
halftime score of something like 4-8. It was a game between
Michigan State and Iowa, where Michigan State started the game in a
stall game, and it was before the introduction of the shot clock.
Jud Heathcote's team was quite adept at playing "keep-away", and
there was little Iowa could do but play along when MSU had the ball.
It was one of the things I noticed while living in Scotland.
Although it rains there a lot, thunder and lightning are relatively
uncommon, or at least were in the Glasgow area. I grew up with
thunderstorms in Iowa, but they generally pale in comparison with
the thunderstorms in Texas. Midwest thunderstorms can be quite
awe-inspiring. Texas thunderstorms can make your heart literally
skip a beat.
[Mariah Carey's] "The Emancipation of Mimi" has been fairly high on
the album charts since it came out in April. It was #1 in the US for
two weeks, and has gone quadruple platinum (7.5M copies sold). It is
currently the best selling album in the US for 2005, I believe. It
is indubitably a "hit".
Molecule "shapes", or more accurately, how atoms and molecules pack,
influences density in a solid or liquid. It is only for gas density
that such considerations are unimportant.
As a digression digression, the Fun Lovin' Criminals did a song
several years ago called "Scooby Snacks" about robbing banks. They
intersperse dialogue from "Reservoir Dogs" and "Pulp Fiction" in the
song, including my previous .sig quote. Tarentino made them pay 37%
royalties in return for the rights, which are only a small part of
the song.
A large fraction of the energy content of the universe is apparently
"dark matter". Both cosmologists and physicists have theorized that
there is a set of supersymmetric particles, which are much, much
more massive than the particles making up ordinary, visible matter.
Since the time of the big bang, most of these particles would
presumably have decayed to the least massive of this set. Maybe this
particle is named "Shawn".
The mean time between eruptions at Yellowstone is about one million
years with a standard deviation of about one million years. The
median time is about 700K years. The probability that it will erupt
between 640,000 years and 640,100 years is, if I did my math
correctly and if you assume a normal distribution is applicable,
about 0.007%.
An 802.11g router/bridge/whatever will talk to both 802.11g devices
and 802.11b devices. But if ANY of the (wireless) devices on the
network are 802.11b, then ALL the network traffic will use the lower
speed 802.11b protocol.
You apparently haven't read enough. Tivo's use a very standard
format to record their video, but they encrypt it. It is quite
possible, however, to hack the Tivo so that it no longer does the
encryption. It is then possible to move the file (actually a bunch
of file pieces that have to be reassembled) and make a simple change
to the file header information to have a file that can now be burned
to a disc (I think it is MPEG2). Doing all this currently is not for
the faint-hearted, although I think the biggest issue is the initial
hacking. After that it is actually fairly easy to move off the
recorded programs and burn them to a disc.
Smart cards did not initially penetrate Europe just because of a
better model for credit card transactions. They were driven
initially by large, government backed initiatives such as the French
health system and various transit systems. It was only after these
started things rolling that they started to be used in monetary
authentication systems in France and Germany.
Integrated circuits are susceptible to upset by cosmic rays. Some
memory arrays (cache memories, ECC memories) are designed to
minimize and/or correct for Soft Error Rate (SER), but virtually
none in commercial use will completely eliminate it.
The problem I had with painter's tape wasn't pulling of the new
paint, or the old paint, but that it does a poor job of masking when
applied over a textured wall. I tried one of the straightedge
things, and it worked OK until the paint on it was transferred to
the new location. My best solution was to get a good, small brush
and be very careful. The next time I paint I'm going to get one of
those fancy edging pads.
Here's a handy table for you. Just figure out how much time
compression you want, and aim your speedometer accordingly:
miles/hour meters/second % of c Relative Time
60 27 0.0000089% 99.9999999999996%
17,000 7,600 0.0025% 99.99999997%
500,000 223,520 0.07% 99.99997%
1,000,000 447,041 0.15% 99.9999%
10,000,000 4,470,409 1.49% 99.99%
65,500,000 29,281,179 9.77% 99.5%
93,000,000 41,574,803 13.9% 99.0%
209,590,446 93,695,500 31.3% 95.0%
500,000,000 223,520,447 74.6% 66.6%
580,813,528 259,647,399 86.6% 50.0%
632,274,375 282,652,502 94.3% 33.3%
649,355,132 290,288,299 96.8% 25.0%
667,238,772 298,283,017 99.5% 10.0%
669,775,000 299,416,815 99.87% 5.00%
670,581,600 299,777,398 99.995% 1.00%
670,607,000 299,788,753 99.9988% 0.50%
670,614,950 299,792,307 99.99995% 0.10%
670,615,200 299,792,419 99.999987% 0.05%
Water cannons were used above ground in mining a couple of centuries
ago. There's an old gold mine in California (Malakoff Diggins) that
used them. They piped water down from the mountains.
One of the most documented moments of "Roseanne" occurred in the 6th
season when Lecy Goranson (Becky) left the series to attend college.
Instead of writing Becky out, the character was recast with actress
Sarah Chalke. Wary of the potential backlash to reshaping a longtime
role, producers sought to defuse the criticism. At the end of
Chalke's first episode, the Conner family watched a Bewitched
episode and several characters complained about the recast of Darren
Stevens. Chalke smiled and said she'd always liked the second Darren
best. Gorenson returned to the role several years later only to
leave again and to be replaced by Chalke. The final two seasons'
opening credits (a morph of cast photos over the years) alternated
shots of both women for Becky. Both appeared in some episodes, and
the changes became a running gag.
In the early days of consumer VCRs, the head was almost certainly
the highest tech item in the box. The mechanical and electrical
properties were pretty much at the bleeding edge of what was
reasonably manufacturable, and some of the polishing (initially) had
to be performed by hand. This process was relatively slow (therefore
expensive) and had horrible yields (therefore expensive). There was
virtually no chance that heads from two different manufacturers
would be interchangeable, and a there was a rapid rate of change as
new models were introduced.
Years ago I had the opportunity to inspect a mosquito's
eye in a scanning electron microscope. I found that if I focussed on
the smallest possible area (not spot mode; still in scanning mode)
it would cause damage to the eye very rapidly (a second,
approximately).
We could get to 2 Trillion transistors on an IC by 2033 if Moore's
law holds out that long, which I don't think it will. And the
architecture of existing microprocessors is very wrong if you want
to emulate a human brain. I suspect, however, we will find other
ways to create "artificial brains" besides using transistors. I also
believe that we don't need to create something quite as complex as
an entire brain to get distinct functions that are as good as or
better than a human brain.
A quick google seemed to indicate that the specifications for an
audio Compact Disc thickness are 1.2mm, +0.3mm, -0.1mm. So if you
had a run of 100 on the high end, they would collectively be 150mm
thick (tall). 100 on the low end of spec, 110mm. A difference of
40mm, much more than the thickness of a single disc.
There are even rumors that Google is buying up unused capacity
("dark fiber") to create a separate internet.
"Post Toastee" is also the name of a particularly crunchy song by
the late Tommy Bolin on one of his solo albums, "Private Eyes", and
it was the last song he ever played before he died. Tommy was
previously a guitarist for Deep Purple and The James Gang (he
replaced Joe Walsh). I recommend both "Private Eyes" and "Teaser".
They recently closed down a bunch of pedicure places in the south
bay (SF) area for unsanitary conditions and an outbreak of some
uncommon fungus.
It is disinformation if you imply that people with sufficient
Vitamin A in their diets can continue to improve their night vision
by ingesting even more. There's no data to support that assertion.
That dilution of LSD would have no discernable effect on a human
(unless they drank a LOT of water). The threshold of activity is
somewhere around 20 micrograms.
WORDS OF WISDOM
I'd much rather have a cameltoe in a tent with me than a camel's
nose.
Every cat I've dropped out of a window has fallen in the general
"down" direction.
You'll never change anyone's mind, and you're wasting valuable space
that could be spent on topics like politics or religion.
I just don't think it is wise to wager one's family jewels in a
contest against an omnipotent opponent.
I always figured that one of the reasons people want so much money
is so that they can have sex with a better class of people.
The last thing you want is a bug in your penis.
I would consider going into a place called "Dirty Dick's". I believe
I would avoid an establishment named "Dirty Dicks".
Well, keep trying. Remember, Van Gogh sold only one painting during
his lifetime and died depressed, one-eared and with a bullet wound
in his chest.
"Like father, like not really adopted but still wants all your money
when you die."
Can you truly conquer a sofa? I've occupied a few, but never really
felt that I had permanently gained the upper hand.
A joy buzzer on the palm of your hand might be a bit startling, but
on the back of the neck it's a real wake-up call.
Global warming is caused by lack of pirates, as all right thinking
people know.
If your homeopathic placebo is not as effective as desired, cut the
dose in half.
That was horrible, wasn't it? It should be viruseeses.
No sane American wants Bush's helicopter to crash unless it is going
to land on Dick Cheney.
Or take your cat to the vet and have them just remove ONE claw. See
if that teaches 'em a lesson.
And meat is murder. So meat is wrong. And two wrongs don't make a
right, but three right turns make a left. I think that means we
have three cheeseburgers left. Do you want fries with that?
You'd be annoyed too, if people kept shoving you inside of pianos and
setting you on fire.
It's hard to insult people properly when you don't know anything
about them.
MONITOR SPLATTERS and other OBSERVATIONS
Man, you guys really take your daylight saving time seriously.
You'd think the ordinary drivel would just contaminate the pure
drivel.
The babies support me.
Cute cashiers. The last time I tried to buy one the price was
incredible.
15 seconds seems like a very long time when someone is just staring
at you, and probably makes the stare recipient wonder if you are
carrying any sharp weapons or a subpoena.
I prefer "ministroid". Or maybe "ministeer", although that could be
misconstrued as a small bovine.
I dunno. Seems heartfelt, but lacking in the bowing and scraping
department. Maybe a gerbil, or perhaps a shrew, but not a
full-fledged hamster.
That's the second wrongest thing I've read on usenet today.
It happened many, many years ago, and I am reasonably confident that
he would no longer find that to be a course of action filled with
wisdom.
I suspect that loss of his frontal lobes might go unnoticed.
Leroy. Except with better spelling.
Please tell us that you aren't letting your sons peel the dead skin
from your boobs.
You should both be grateful. When I was that age, we didn't even
_have_ panic. All we had was a sense of unease, but we made do with
it.
Well, honestly, it did seem too good to be true. After all, I don't
even KNOW Ed McMahon.
You failed to equip the cats with little shovels. Or better yet,
little backhoes.
I worked my way up through grades K-10 before I even thought about
tackling the 11th.
"smug" is a funny word. Smug, smug, smug, smug, smug.
Those are the kind of dumb mistakes that give evil overlords a bad
name.
Still on my first marriage, almost 20 years now. It's lookin' like
things might work out OK.
I'm really more on the svelte pig side.
"Hey you kids, get offn my lawn. I'm trying to watch the Cubs lose!"
You could always put your tits on vibrate.
In case I ever owe you lots of money, I'd much prefer several broken
bones to a broken neck.
They obviously transported me and my car, stole some of my gasoline,
fiddled with my odometer, then did a brain wipe so I wouldn't
remember their spooky little bodies and huge eyes.
Tonight on Fox: When Woodchucks Attack!
I call dibs on his liver.
If God's going to screw me over, he's going to have to do a little
better than that.
Good. We don't need any blind penguins waddling about.
I want to go on record here as being against the artificial
insemination of children.
I think for the perversion factor, adjustable x-ray vision would be
better.
If there's one thing I need less than blind penguins, it's confused
vampires.
I'm considering going out and buying another one just so that I can
put it in the rubbish bin as well.
I'll be looking forward to your return. After you leave, that is.
I think we should keep minds open to the possibility that my ass is
a marvel to behold, a veritable balm for the eyes.
I don't care what anyone says. I think they taste better with their
knickers off.
I passed signs for Butt Lake, but I didn't go there.
I hates you, David J. Martin. I suspect it was your negative thought
waves that made the Hawkeye football team play like a group of
blind, retarded little girls on Saturday.
It's odd to see "Jill Hennessey" and "lousy actor" in the same
paragraph, but not paired up properly.
If I was wearing my ninja outfit, you would never see me.
Hopping habaneros, Obviousman!
"That joke is incredibly old and unfunny, just like you."
"English" is ours now. We won it fair and square.
Yeah, the belt I bought there keeps shrinking.
If these people were really as stupid as they act, they wouldn't be
able to put their clothes on right side out so consistently.
It isn't politically correct to call people who hold such beliefs
idiots. Let's just call them retards.
I get that a lot. Except without the "savant" part.
Even Pat Robertson wouldn't deny this, unless there was some money
in it for him.
I wish the other slackers in the family had gone with the buddy
system, too.
My memory, like sheep, is a notable liar.
I was told that if no one can find the bodies, they don't count.
Oh. Good. Cause I thought you were talking about menses being soup.
Bishops rarely show up for this, but one time I did surprise the UPS
lady.
Groo's dog is the best character, but on the internet, you don't
know that I'm not actually him.
Your brain must work somewhat like mine. You have my condolences.
This is a straw man, or a red herring, or a wienterschnitzel or
something like that.
I also hated sauerkraut as a kid, and now I despise it.
Now you've made me feel like I don't understand what "down" means.
I can't figure out how to attach the garter belt to my shirt. The
little button holes on the collar look too small.
I think Strom was incontinent, so Tropical Strom would certainly be
pissed.
I hate it when the cats leave a dead donkey on the living room rug.
That's probably enough info for a first date. So, let's talk about
you now!
I keep telling my wife that I'm a fashion trendsetter. She often
points out that to be a trendsetter, someone has to eventually
follow your lead.
<whisper> Let's see how long it takes for Thomas to realize we've
left him in a round room.
I suggest you become a Mormon, as you have nothing left to lose.
You don't have a cat, do you Jerry?
Either that word doesn't mean what you think it means, or it doesn't
mean what I think it means.
Hey! When I pay ten bucks, I expect a full-out hamster, not a tiny
little weasel.
A $20 bribe to Charles it is!
"Joe may be a child-molester, but he's the best darn auto mechanic
I've ever had."
We should all punch Eddie at the same time.
The theory that someone must _like_ the interface seems reasonable
until you actually use it.
I hate funerals. I plan on skipping mine.
If I want to turn on the TV and see a talking turd, I'll put on
CSPAN.
QUESTIONS
What is the advisable procedure when being chased by a bull? Besides
"run faster than the bull"?
Is this going to morph into Shakespeare anytime soon?
Or maybe decreased estrogen levels, ma'am?
Now I've become an expletive?
Does it really hurt a lot when you head-butt someone in the nose?
I'm thinking even if it does, it would probably be worth it.
You aren't by chance the head of IT for a major airline that I hate,
are you?
If you viewed all of time imultaneously, what would you do
afterwards?
Is there some rule that you can't enjoy riding a Harley unless you
have a long beard, a tattoo that says "Mom", horrific BO, and call
your wife "my bitch"?
Does prevailing economic theory account for stupid?
You're looking at my butt, aren't you?
Are you trying to torture me with meaningless semantics?
If we can have a BOMP, why can't we have a BOP?
Well, what if they all had projectile leprosy, huh? WHAT IF THEY
WERE ALL ZOMBIES????
I think a better question would be, "When there's a giant alien
death-ray destructo robot coming, what kind of idiot WANTS to get on
a boat going over a freezing cold river?"
May I recommend something in a nice pancreatic cancer, or perhaps a
fruity parasitic infestation?
Could I consult with a cow in another county?
Wouldn't it be cool to have a giraffe hiding under your porch?
You threatened to eat my children. What was I supposed to think?
Do you Brits have a different definition of "surprise" than us
Yanks?
Alpha characters weren't thragtig enough for you?
What, no kippered merangue? No boiled chips? No blood truffles?
What does an OS actually _do_ when it "mounts" a drive?
How can you go lower than riding around on one buttock?
Screw Perth. Where's Boba Fett?
Is this the original fanwank?
I'm not questioning your pig milk knowledge. I'm just
curious...how/why did you acquire it?
Is the principle that if you cry you might attract a hungry bear,
and being eaten by a bear will make you forget the snakebite?
Did you put on a pair of hobnailed boots before you dragged that
joke out and tromped all over it?
Don't keep me in suspense! What sex is the table?
You agree about the missile launchers, or that I'm an extremist?
Maybe the Baptists should renegotiate their contract?
"Is groo making an incredibly witty, obscure joke that I don't get,
or is he a retard?"
Do you have any idea how long it takes to groom a tapir?
No ears? No pianos? No fire?
Suicides now need themes? Is this something that Martha Stewart
learned in prison?
So we should go back to the idea of taking turns punching him?
If your wife's sarcasm cannot be reliably detected, are you really
being nagged?
MOTTOS
Now - With Extra Goat Foreskins!
COWER MORTALS...I AM THE GOD OF MODESTY!
You aren't really done until you puke.
Some of it is apparently absinthe-induced hallucinations.
These lyrics make me giggle like a little girl.
I've found very little to back that up via google, so maybe it was
just a dream.
They'll tell you all kinds of crap. And contradict each other in the
process.
Like the Jimi Hendrix Experience, but with less LSD.
I can't come up with any reasonable theories to explain most of the
weirdness.
Never doubt the ingenuity of a truly inspired idiot.
Good for the hamsters, good for the groo.
Well, that was kind of my point, or at least close to it.
This list has convinced me that individually we are idiots,
collectively we are very disturbed.
NAMES FOR GROO'S BAND
Not with Haggis
King Thragting
Syndex
Waddling Ocean Farter
Weasels Ate My Rubbers
Full-Grown Wootterhog
Squashed Tortoise
Zen Tacos
Penguin Hegemony
Moronic Squirrels on Crack
Giant Weasel Snatcher
Sfporx
Loozer
Muckedy-Mucks and Poobahs
Circumcized Nazi Scientologists from Akron
Elderly Tea-bagging Seals
Grotesque Ugly Tourists
Zombies Don't Dance
Hamster Cabal
Hordes of the Clueless
HAIKU
Dinosaur bar fights.
Probably nutted by an out-of-control diplodicous.
They can't handle their vodka, I hear.
Blu Staites
1676-2005
Rest in Piece
Yoo UltraLibral Dickheds
CONFESSIONS
I spent the whole day 4 feet from the kitchen counter trying to save
the cost of a vasectomy.
By that time they'd pretty much worn me down too much to do anything
other than grab my ankles.
I am, in fact, a chucklehead about most things.
I tried to use Hamster Playground last night.
I'm just eye candy around here.
{takes John's coffee into the break room and adds some sweet, fresh
urine}
Geez. You admit to having worshipped Satan and suddenly you can't
give a girl a hickey without getting an electronic ankle bracelet
slapped on you.
It is only by association with this group that I understand what
this means. You perverts have corrupted me.
I also have been drinking Diet Mt. Dew for several years, and my
testicles are not noticably smaller or larger than when I started.
I never have figured out melon-balling technique.
Sometimes I have minor impulse control issues.
I have a bag of heroin wrapped in a bag of cocaine in my ear.
There's just something about "let my brother's hamster burn in hell"
that cracks me up. If I ever get a tattoo, that's what it will say.
I once fucked up a cheese sandwich despite having perfectly good
bread and Kraft singles.
I don't really have insomnia issues. I have more problems with
somnia.
My wife probably couldn't throw a rope on the ground without
missing.
My crazy political opinions are only about 98% full of horse pucky.
The slight increase in drooling wasn't so bad, but the dried out eye
from not blinking sucked in a major way.
I have a kid who didn't think until around the time he turned 25.
Well, I have lusted in my heart on occasion. Although it usually
seems to be centered a bit further down.
I feel so dirty. I may start to cry.
I didn't know how to spell my middle name until I was in the 3rd
grade.
I thought I was losing my mind, and I was typing real, grammatical
sentences but all that was coming out was Tom Cruise-like babble.
Keep in mind, this is coming from someone who bought a book three
times, thinking each time I'd never read it before. (I was right one
of those times!) And, cannot presently tell you the name or author
of that book. It's really quite amazing I can find my way home
without getting lost.
Dementia is apparently setting in.
Crap. I don't have any good theories to cover that.
OPUS STOLE MY BRAIN!
This immediately conjured up a vision of John in a Catholic
schoolgirl outfit...white blouse, navy blue pleated skirt, white
knee socks, black patent leather shoes. With pigtails and a
mustache.
Well, if I'd just committed a bloody double murder in the middle of
the night, I wouldn't run away, and my knees are in pretty good
shape.
I plagiarized the whole summary.
I still wonder what Julie Redlinger's panties looked like.
When I meet a profoundly stupid person, like someone who is in a
group home because they can't actually function, I feel sad for
them. But when I encounter someone who is just a little bit stupid,
like the morons in the grocery store blocking the aisle, I hate them
and silently wish they would die.
My name isn't really "groo".
Of course, I also think that handguns should be outlawed and
shoulder mounted missile launchers legal, so I may be a bit of an
extremist.
"Such is Groo's incompetence that so much as stepping onto a ship
will cause it to sink."
That was the refrigerator, not a country. And I swear, that fried
chicken was calling my name.
I once woke up in a university student union, naked. But that was a
long time ago.
I finally decided I probably don't have much of a shot at [Valerie
Bertinelli].
I could just sit and look at [Julie Bowen] until...well, until one of
us got real hungry, or had to go to the bathroom.
LIBELS
Penguins are sluts.
One word: herringbarf.
I suspect that Opus doesn't drink much. So, I guess we've
established that he likes to wear women's underwear.
I hear that the guy who does the summary is an idiot.
Given that Opus has lied about this, I would treat all of his
information with scepticism. In fact, I suspect that he is NOT Opus
the penguin at all, but is actually Tennessee Tuxedo! I publicly
dare him to prove my assertion wrong.
Tony kisses pigs on the mouth!
THREATS
You're on my list, Steese.
REASONS GROO IS STILL MY FRIEND
I agree with Opus on this issue. Which means, in this case, I must
respectfully disagree with you.
I will not talk about my panties.
I am loyal to our penguin overlords.
HOPES and DREAMS
Not enough meat on 'em. Give me a penguin any day.
Mariah Carey can hang out in my bedroom anytime.
Or maybe it was just a lonely hearted alien who finally met his
dream girl, and they are very happy together on Nebulon 7.
Well, I really don't want my semi-adoptive-quasi-step-father to die.
I'd actually be happy to have him declared mentally incompetent and
have all his money given to me. As long as I wouldn't have to pay
for the upkeep on his dessicated, wrinkled, musty smelling husk of a
body.
I'm still waiting for my mail-order succubus.
I imagine that when I get to be very old, and am laying in the
hospital dying, my last words will be "Finally I can take off this
damn ring."
One of my little daydreams is to go to dinner at such an
establishment, and after the menu is proferred, whip out my big-ass
12V flashlight so that I can actually SEE what is written on it.
I'd love to see flaming TV news helicopter shrapnel igniting an
80-foot tall Spongebob as clowns and marching band members ran for
cover screaming.
I think I would actually enjoy seeing Godzilla stomp part of Tokyo
flat.
FEARS
God will probably make me die young, just out of spite.
I really don't want to be rendered.
I have no fear of wooden spoons. Bingo dabbers are a different
story.
I still don't want to have a hamster up my butt.
FOND MEMORIES
She was generally a pretty good teacher.... And she was very good
looking, and didn't seem to realize that when she sat in a certain
spot she was sometimes flashing her panties at us. That meant a lot
to some of us at the time.
BROKEN PROMISES
I do plan, however, to do a year's summary if I make it to the
anniversary mark.
MULTIPLE CHOICE QUIZZES
And therefore, a rational person...
(a) posts a little note, explaining to him what an idiot he is.
(b) killfiles him.
(c) dons a tutu and waits for the postman to deliver $10M from
Opus.
(d) engages him in an argument.
SIGNING OFF
That's my last word on the matter. Well, bunch of words actually.
Dover Beach
news:Xns973DA0BBF621Cop...@127.0.0.1:
<snip all of groo's fab remarks>
Genius. Both of you, thanks so much. My mother heard me snorting and
giggling and came in, saw the laptop on my lap, and said, "something
funny on the TV?" I told her yes.
--
Dover
Dana Carpender
That's the most beautiful thing I've read in years.
Thanks, Op. You're forgiven for insulting the Hercules theme song.
Dana
Lesmond
>
>
>Well, I can't wait any longer for groo to return. He can find this
>whenever he gets back.
Well done and well deserved. Good job, Opus!
--
Even now in Heaven there are angels carrying savage weapons.
Boron Elgar
>Well, I can't wait any longer for groo to return. He can find this
>whenever he gets back.
>
First rate.
Boron
Veronique
> Well, I can't wait any longer for groo to return. He can find this
> whenever he gets back.
Well THAT just got forwarded all over the internet.
V., thinking it's probably not good for her to have read them all at
once.
--
Veronique Chez Sheep
bill van
Boron Elgar <boron...@hotmail.com> wrote:
Loved it, but it's kind of long. Could someone summarize?
bill
Boron Elgar
Taco.
Bill Turlock
>
> Well, I can't wait any longer for groo to return. He can find this
> whenever he gets back.
>
> As all of you know, our good friend groo has produced summary after
> summary at the rate of more than once a week for over a year. The
> summaries are things of beauty that justly receive accolades,
> expressions of gratitude, and offers to bear groo's children. (Ok,
> maybe not that last one. Perhaps you gals are just shy.)
>
> But I'm sure you've also noticed that the summaries lack something.
> There is a big gaping hole right where all groo's own contributions
> should be. This is natural. The man doesn't want to put himself
> forward. And he ought not to be asked to judge which of his own
> witticisms are worth preserving.
>
> This post is here to rectify that problem. It doesn't go back for a
> full year, but it does go back to June 1. Here they are. These are
> the things groo said that I thought you might like to read again.
> Groo, you're the best. Everyone, enjoy.
Bravo!!!
Xt' Tapalatakettle
Thank you Groo
Thank you Opus
John Hatpin
>Well, I can't wait any longer for groo to return. He can find this
>whenever he gets back.
>
>As all of you know, our good friend groo has produced summary after
>summary at the rate of more than once a week for over a year. The
>summaries are things of beauty that justly receive accolades,
>expressions of gratitude, and offers to bear groo's children. (Ok,
>maybe not that last one. Perhaps you gals are just shy.)
>
>But I'm sure you've also noticed that the summaries lack something.
>There is a big gaping hole right where all groo's own contributions
>should be. This is natural. The man doesn't want to put himself
>forward. And he ought not to be asked to judge which of his own
>witticisms are worth preserving.
>
>This post is here to rectify that problem. It doesn't go back for a
>full year, but it does go back to June 1. Here they are. These are
>the things groo said that I thought you might like to read again.
>Groo, you're the best. Everyone, enjoy.
[...]
Thank you, Opus. Thank you, Groo. I've just snipped a work of art
created by two of the most consistently good posters on AFCA.
Wonderful stuff. Happy 2006.
--
John Hatpin
Email (ROT-13): wsubcxva NG tznvy.pbz
Charles Bishop
Penguin <opusthepen...@gmail.com> wrote:
>Well, I can't wait any longer for groo to return. He can find this
>whenever he gets back.
>
>As all of you know, our good friend groo has produced summary after
>summary at the rate of more than once a week for over a year. The
>summaries are things of beauty that justly receive accolades,
>expressions of gratitude, and offers to bear groo's children. (Ok,
>maybe not that last one. Perhaps you gals are just shy.)
>
>But I'm sure you've also noticed that the summaries lack something.
>There is a big gaping hole right where all groo's own contributions
>should be. This is natural. The man doesn't want to put himself
>forward. And he ought not to be asked to judge which of his own
>witticisms are worth preserving.
>
>This post is here to rectify that problem. It doesn't go back for a
>full year, but it does go back to June 1. Here they are. These are
>the things groo said that I thought you might like to read again.
>Groo, you're the best. Everyone, enjoy.
[snip-I couldn't quote the whole thing-NewsWatcher wouldn't let me, and it
would be impolite besides]
Thank you Opus. I'm sending you a crate of acolades, with thanks.
The only question remaining is whether your efforts are a
groogroosummary,
groosummarysummary,
groogroosummarysummary,
or any of these divided, or
an Opussummary, again with appropriate divisions.
Looking forward to yours of December, '06
charles
Charles Bishop
"Veronique" <veroniq...@yahoo.com> wrote:
As with Wodehouse, moderation is advised, lest one split a gut, or block a
sinus from laughter. Lacking a laptop, I'm in no danger of doing so in
public as I am if reading Wodehouse, causing strangers to gaze at me
strangely, and officials asking if I'm all right, while they have one hand
on the weapon on their hip.
charles, the cats are looking at me strangely though.
John Hatpin
>Thank you Opus. I'm sending you a crate of acolades, with thanks.
Leroy's doing that.
>The only question remaining is whether your efforts are a
>
>groogroosummary,
>
>groosummarysummary,
>
>groogroosummarysummary,
>
>or any of these divided, or
>
>an Opussummary, again with appropriate divisions.
Big vote for "Opussummary", and a complementary and relevant photo of
some cute animals in a barrel:
http://www.nal.usda.gov/awic/images/opsinbarrel.jpg
Awww.
groo
> Well, I can't wait any longer for groo to return. He can find this
> whenever he gets back.
>
It appears I have a stalker. Cool!
It amazes me that reading my stuff on usenet makes it seem that I am
smart and witty, when in real life I'm a bit boring, slightly dimwitted,
and rather short. It's also interesting that there are a few things on
that list that I have absolutely no recollection of writing, or even
reading before. I'm starting to suspect the cat, and intend to password
protect the computer with a word I'm fairly sure she can't spell
correctly.
I did have every intention of doing a year's summary. But the process of
compiling all of the band names made it clear to me that it was actual
work, something I generally avoid. Sorry about that.
I'd like to point out that the quote about Groo and incompetence was
about the comic book character, not me. I don't go on ships in general,
as I get terribly seasick.
I recently missed a prime opportunity to fulfill one of my hopes and
dreams. My family was eating at a restaurant and the lighting was so dim
that my sister-in-law got down on her knees to use an accent light to
read the menu. And I'd been given a new wind-up flashlight that very day,
but didn't have it with me.
Opus, that was the second best Festichrismahanukwanzaakaaliaivus present
I received this year (last year now, I guess). You have my sincere
thanks. I loved it.
Now do Huey or Jerry.
--
"I was trapped in the body of a woman. Best New Year's Eve I ever
spent." - John Dean, afca
Sanford Manley
> It's also interesting that there are a few things on
> that list that I have absolutely no recollection of writing, or even
> reading before. I'm starting to suspect the cat, and intend to password
> protect the computer with a word I'm fairly sure she can't spell
> correctly.
Is this intentionally good or did you just
write this off the cuff?
--
Sanford M. Manley
Probably the saddest thing you'll ever
see is a mosquito sucking on a
mummy. Forget it, little friend.
http://www.livejournal.com/users/ansaman/
Veronique
> groo said:
> > It's also interesting that there are a few things on
> > that list that I have absolutely no recollection of writing, or even
> > reading before. I'm starting to suspect the cat, and intend to password
> > protect the computer with a word I'm fairly sure she can't spell
> > correctly.
>
> Is this intentionally good or did you just
> write this off the cuff?
Off the paw, you mean, since his cat's been writing most of his
material.
V.
--
Veronique Chez Sheep
Dana Carpender
bill van wrote:
Groo is a freakin' genius, a Very Funny Guy, and the God of Modesty.
Dana
John Hatpin
>groo said:
>> It's also interesting that there are a few things on
>> that list that I have absolutely no recollection of writing, or even
>> reading before. I'm starting to suspect the cat, and intend to password
>> protect the computer with a word I'm fairly sure she can't spell
>> correctly.
>
>Is this intentionally good or did you just
>write this off the cuff?
I suspect it comes easily to Groo. It's rare to read his posts on any
subject without feeling a curling of the outsides of the lips in an
upwards direction, sometimes leading to guffaws and suchlike.
And, again, how wonderful of Opus to do a Opussum Mary. It's not as
if he doesn't deserve something similar himself, all that good stuff
he writes.
huey.c...@gmail.com
> Opus the Penguin <opusthepen...@gmail.com> wrote:
> > Well, I can't wait any longer for groo to return. He can find this
> > whenever he gets back.
> It appears I have a stalker. Cool!
It's overrated, really.
> Now do Huey or Jerry.
I like Opus, but, er, not in that way.
--
Huey