Awesome Opossum Mary: January - June, 2006
Opus the Penguin
done in time for people to enjoy it on the July 4th holiday. I guess
I should have started earlier than the 3rd. To quote the man himself,
"I would have sent this sooner, but I couldn't be bothered."
GROO - THE MAN IN HIS OWN WORDS
It amazes me that reading my stuff on usenet makes it seem that I am
smart and witty, when in real life I'm a bit boring, slightly
dimwitted, and rather short.
It really depends on the family. I don't think my family would find
this type of inquiry creepy if the nieces HAD a funny name for their
breasts. And if they did, it would be open knowledge within the
family. No one would think it odd for me to bring up the subject,
particularly if it was for authentication purposes.
I've never poured orange juice on my Cheerios when I was legally
drunk.
Groo is disinterested in this subject. No boobs, no exploding shop
vacs, no one saying "fuck off!", no giraffes.
I am fully in support of the right of all Americans to bring up
their breasts as they choose, without regard to race, ethnic origin,
or cup size. If elected, I shall introduce a bill and urge its
passage through Congress to secure protection of this vital right of
all our citizens. Thank you, and God Bless Milkman Dan!
I prefer cake that doesn't make my head bleed when I eat it.
Novice, Normal, Expert are common options. I need "Retarded Spastic"
option.
I really don't have that much experience in finger severation. I
just seem to have an innate knack for it, or beginner's luck.
I'm a short people, and I'm going on a long airplane trip tomorrow.
I'll be thinking of you oversized sorts and snickering the whole
time I'm jammed into my tiny little airplane seat.
I would google it all up so that I could provide more details, but I
just don't care.
I generally won't put something in my mouth if I don't know what it
is, or if it smells nasty.
I have patented the fractal razor blade.
Yes, my ass friction is much greater than that of a decently
designed wheel bearing.
I don't aspire to be vanishingly small.
I do remember getting socks for gifts as a kid, mostly from the same
grandmother who once gave me a picture of a saint for my birthday.
My wife's body is nice, but I wouldn't rate it with Glencoe. Nor
would she. And I wouldn't refer to her as "the present Mrs. Groo".
For one, she doesn't refer to me as groo, although she knows it is
my nom de plume. For another, I don't want a frying pan upside the
head. She has Calphalon, and she knows how to use it.
Years ago I posted under the pseudonym of my dog.
I'm good for nothing. And proud of it!
You might be surprized at the places I'm willing to go to. As long
as there's no opera involved. Or gay cowboys. Or godless bears.
My dad wasn't real big on giving direct advice, at least not that I
remember. Except for maybe "root for the Cubs", but I disregard that
one as clear lunacy.
I had an anole for a couple of months when I was a kid. The only
thing it would eat was live flies. So I had to learn how to stun
flies with a flyswatter.
I almost never coordinate my underpants.
I've had multiple orgasms. I haven't counted them all, so I can't
quote an exact number, but I know that it is more than one.
I'll give up my CRC Handbook of Chemistry and Physics when you pry
it from my warm, marinara-stained hands.
Mice genes might explain my ears.
I have no doubt that there were times that my folks would have stuck
a tracking device on/in me if the technology had existed at the
time. And they would have been justified.
I'd actually probably pay to see a version of Hamlet with
forklifts
I have long since learned to accept the fact that I am a dolt, a
cur, and irrevocably uncouth.
We were Hostess people, too. Although we did not live in a trailer
home, we often drank RC cola straight out of the bottle. We went to
church (Mom made us), but passed around no snakes.
I hardly ever lick my balls.
There's probably something really wrong with me.
My posts are _supposed_ to smell like lager, with just a wee bit of
ripe peach and fresh-ground wasabi.
I've been at meetings where I'd like to bop the rat.
I have never had a desire to see Laurel and Hardy do it.
I am depraved, and proud of it. Particularly if Royko is the one who
thinks so.
I have on occasion found it desirable to beat up inanimate objects.
I find that it makes me feel a bit better and it serves as a
valuable warning to their peers.
I was once frightened by an economist. Or maybe he was a mime. I get
them confused sometimes.
When I grow up, I want to be a migrant peanut-sheller.
I have fairly short, stubby fingers but I still think I could pluck
raisins out of rice pudding with the best of 'em. I'm not sure I
could hack the olive duties, though. Olives kinda squick me out.
I miss Asterbark.
GROO EXPLAINS HIS PRESENCE IN AFCA
I want to leave, I really do. I tried to make a break for it
once...they convinced me that there was a safe place I could escape
to, but it wasn't true. They have me chained to a radiator down
here. It's dank, there's no sunlight, and I'm forced to ceaslessly
read all their ramblings and convert them to machine readable form.
They used to have a statistics guy here too, but he seems to have
made a break for it. I hope he can survive in the wild, he was a
good guy. Dave, I'm rootin' for ya!
I'm pretty sure it's an NSA project of some sort, but they don't
really tell me much. Well, actually they tell me a lot, but I'm
convinced it's mostly lies and half-truths. I'm trying to figure out
what is real. I've been able to infer some tidbits...I think
"bicycle team" refers to a sleeper cell, "Jeopardy" is a euphemism
for heaven/paradise, "taco"s and "elkhound"s are biological weapons,
and "carbs" are infidels. They sometimes talk about a mysterious
place called "Canada" which I haven't quite placed, but I'm thinking
maybe Syria or perhaps Bali. Some of them claim to live in places so
cold that the moisture in the air actually freezes and falls to the
ground, which is obviously ridiculous (who would live in such a
climate?) but I haven't figured out what it is code for yet. A drug
deal? I'm almost certain "washing machine" refers to a suitcase
nuclear weapon. Their leader (or maybe their god) is never discussed
by name, they just call him "Leroy".
Oh, gotta go. I hear one coming. I hope it's not the short guy in
the tux...he actually thinks puns are funny. Crap, I smell curry and
tobacco. Must be the submarine freak.
GROO EXPLAINS THE SUMMARY
The summary is one place that I can make everyone else look
like fools. Making me look like a fool is reserved for regular
postings.
I make no claim to anything other than total capriciousness.
My stuff usually isn't up to my high standards.
I don't ever feel pressured to put something in...I'm almost
Kim-like (where the summary is concerned) in my ability to disregard
the desires of others (and I mean that in only a congratulatory
sense, Kim). Sometimes folks are doing a service by pointing
something out that I missed or that sbcglobal's erratic newsfeed
actively prevented me from seeing. Sometimes they are stealing a
tiny bit of the fun of finding a gem and putting it in the summary
all by my lonesome. So, all in all, it's probably a wash. Don't
sweat it. If I stop doing the summary, it won't be for this reason.
You aren't fooling me. You don't contribute to the summary. I do it
for free.
FACTS AND SUCH
I was listening to NPR last night and they were talking to a couple
of nuts who plan to walk and swim to the North Pole this winter from
Siberia, in the dark. One of them has previously lost the tips of
some fingers to frostbite, and they asked if he did anything special
to protect himself. He described how first thing in the morning he
rubbed his snot all over his face so that it would freeze and
protect him from the wind. That's when I turned the radio off.
According to the CRC handbook (65th edition), graphite Carbon is
1.38 x 10 ^-5 ohm-m. A little googling seems to indicate that
diamond's value is around 1.011 x 10^3 ohm-m (at room temperature).
In semiconductor manufacturing, in applications where a small wire
is needed to connect the semiconductor chip to the package, either
Au or Al is used. Both can readily be drawn into the right shape and
connected at both ends. I've never seen Ag used. If you need lower
resistance, you just use a thicker wire or more of them.
When setting up a new network, I generally turn the encryption off
to work out all the other bugs. Then I enable the encryption so that
I can have a new set of bugs to fix, but at least then I know what
kind of bugs they are. After that you can turn off SSID broadcast
and add MAC authentication if you think it is required and you are
jonesing for some more bugs to fix.
Science is not required to explain why the "rules" of English
spelling are what they are. History is needed. English spelling
contains many irregularities due to a number of factors. Borrowing
from other languages is one of them; an even greater cause is the
fact that English began to be widely written and printed during the
Middle English period. While English spelling was relatively
systematic during the Middle English period, the shift to modern
English involved undergoing a Great Vowel Shift and many other
changes in phonology. The older, etymological spellings have been
retained despite major shifts in phonology.
Computer science allows machines to infer context and therefore use
lookup-based schemes to correctly perform the task of spelling
English words over 99.7% of the time for some speech to text
systems.
Finite Element Analysis is a method whereby the behavior of a
structure (or fluid) is analyzed by subdividing it into many smaller
pieces and calculating how each small piece affects each other (such
as stress, temperature, vibration, etc.) when subjected to some
"inputs" (temperature changes, mechanical shock, etc.). Once the
equations are set up for the entire system of many pieces, one
attempts to converge upon a mathematical solution for the whole
through iteration or simultaneous solution.
Virtual particles are created all the time (so-called "vacuum
fluctuations") and are not caused by the presence or absence of a
black hole nearby. They are happening all around you, all the time.
According to the Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle, mass/energy do
not need to be conserved on very short time scales, so there is a
finite probability that a particle pair can pop into existance
anywhere for a short time without violating other conservation laws
(that's why it has to be a pair, and since it is a pair there's a
mechanism for them to go away again too).
Actually, that's more a description of Quality Control...doing
sample inspections of a process output to determine if the process
is working correctly and the product is within specifications.
Quality Assurance should be more focussed on things that you can do
in creating the process and doing in-line control of the variables
that affect the process output, not just in monitoring the actual
process output. If you do good Quality Assurance, Quality Control
requirements are minimized. Quality Assurance is also more concerned
with other meta- issues, such as the systems which are used to set
up the process, to decide what input and output variables are most
important, etc.
In college, I lived with two human roomates and a siamese cat. One
of the roomates ate pork chops almost every night, and the cat liked
to retrieve the bones from the trash bin. So we placed the trash bin
inside a closet with sliding doors. Somehow, we kept finding pork
chop bones strewn around the apartment, but there was no sign of how
it happened. Finally, the pork-chop eater went into the closet one
night and stayed there to find out what was going on. The cat slid
the door open, dug the bones out of the trash, took them outside the
closet, then came back and closed the closet door.
But very high voltage DC can have lower loss over long hauls. Which
is why it is used.
Some digital measuring devices truly use digital techniques,
essentially counting the number of somethings. For example, a digital
timepiece can run a very fast "clock" circuit (in the MHz, millions of
ticks per second) and then just divide the number of "clock ticks" to
count the number of seconds, minutes, etc. A radar gun measures
velocity by essentially using this kind of technique, but more
complicated. I think brake sensors often measure numbers of rotations
or "tick markers" attached to the rotating disc vs a time base.
Many "digital" measuring devices, however, use analog techniques. A
measurement signal that is in some way proportional to the thing
being measured is fed into a circuit called a "analog to digital
converter" (ADC, or "A to D"). The signal can then be processed to
account for nonlinearities, offsets, etc. with a simple circuit or
microcontroller, which can then send the results to a display that
shows the results in the familiar "digital" output. Or, if desired,
into some other sort of display. As far as I can recall off-hand,
things that measure temperature tend to be analog in nature...I
can't think of a cheap way to do it digitally, although some wily
inventor may have.
Strictly speaking, radio waves *are* light. They just aren't visible
light. light == electromagnetic waves . Just think of radio waves as
a very, very deep red that your eyes can't see.
Through this effort, the network has created the following esteemed
scientific advisory panel to ensure that the high standards of the Fox
Network are upheld on the television program "House":
Dr. S. Wilson (economics, mathematics, megalomaniac psychosis)
Dr. W. Bonde (polical science, advanced dementia)
Dr. E. Conrad (evolutionary theory, history, geology)
Dr. M. Munyan (education, gender studies)
Dr. B. Dissen (religion, ethics, political science, ethnic studies)
Dr. D. Firestorm (existentialism)
Dr. S. McClellan (public relations)
Dr. M. Howard (classical physics, pain management)
Dr. L. Fine (chemistry, haberdashery)
Dr. S. Howard (electronics)
Currently, very few people have biometric implants, and even fewer
of those would be of any use at a point-of-sale terminal.
Nonetheless, the technology for all of those things exists today.
And it doesn't check to see where the chip is or if it is embedded
within something living. Perhaps you are unaware that there are
wireless smartcards in use today that allow people to walk into a
transit system without so much as removing the card from their
wallet or purse.
Overclocking a chip marked at a lower speed than the fastest
currently being sold (by that manufacturer) sometimes works,
sometimes doesn't. The manufacturer may have lots of guardband in
the test program, may have downbinned the part because they had
orders for more slow ones than fast ones, etc. But successful
overclockers rarely rely upon this today. A better strategy is to
keep the part much cooler than its maximum rated temperature. That
will usually (but not always) result in the ability to run it at
higher voltages and clock speeds than it is rated for...parts tend
to slow down with increasing temperature.
Intel (and following their lead, AMD) has decided that continuing to
add more and more features and performance to processors leads to an
intolerable level of power dissipation (heat). Their "fix" for this
problem is to create a CPU which is in essence two (eventually more)
CPUs in parallel. This isn't a bad idea per se, but there's pretty
widespread agreement that it is currently a kludge and that software
won't use the two processors efficiently at all. For a desktop
system, a multi-core processor probably isn't a great idea from an
engineering perspective, at least not now, for PCs.
It's a little-known fact that the different brands of DVRs give off
slightly different scents. A Motorola DVR will smell slightly of
kerosene and crushed lilacs. Scientific Atlanta units have the odor
of napalm and dog feces, with a hint of linoleum. A Tivo will remind
you of a lemon grove, with a touch of sandalwood and faint cherry
blossom overtones.
Strangely, there is something that seems to be more effective than
asking "hold the mayo" or explaining at length. I've never had this
fail: Ask them to bring it on the side. Apparently, as long as you
are willing to take posession of the vile stuff, they won't insist
that you put it on your food. Maybe the mayo cabal is giving
kickbacks or something.
Golf ball cores contain a liquid that will instantly blind you for
life if even the tiniest bit squirts out and hits your eyeball. I
thought everyone knew this.
WORDS OF WISDOM
Roasted cats are tasty, too.
Watch out for the wooden spoon.
If I'm going to have someone cut into my body with sharp
instruments, I don't think mallomars are going to make me feel
significantly better.
"What you used to call your tits" is a good shared secret
for authentication purposes.
It's Huey's fault.
Ask not for whom the platypus chuckles....
I discovered recently that with a really sharp blade and a moderate
velocity you can accomplish great things.
I need to killfile more people.
I think it would be a valuable public service if you let us know
what went wrong, so we don't all end up owning blind camels, too.
You should explain to your wife that if people keep watching this
kind of crap, the networks will continue to show it.
I would have guessed that silly string had a long half-life, but I
really have no idea.
If you take me and my wheeled chair and set it on a treadmill, then
turn on a treadmill, guess what happens? A lawsuit, that's what.
Dude, it's time to tiptoe out of the room.
You should have your head examined. Seriously. I like you, and I
don't want to read about your head exploding on "News of the Weird".
Many people seem to assume that you are female if you call yourself
"slinky".
I can't believe that no one has pointed out yet that these girls
would have been much better off if they'd bought their own washing
machine.
Don't sleep with any woman who has more facial hair than you do.
Man is the only animal that lights his farts on fire. I hope.
"You must be at least this sane -------->
to ride Huey"
When you make guts illegal, only criminals will have guts.
DON'T EAT IT, BLINKY!!!!
"Nobody trusts the Episcopalians" does not have the same ring to it
as "Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition".
Pattern spotting is positively selected for in the human race. This
is the only possible explanation for baseball statistics geeks.
As Opus has shown us, you need to keep the stuff plausibly crazy.
I figured "better to look like a 90 year old Twinkie than a corpse".
The problem with politicians is that you can't trust them to always
not do what they promise.
If nothing else, you could move to Montana and become a dental floss
tycoon.
Nailing tacos is a messy business.
Any movie with Godzilla or a T Rex is worth watching at least once
Or, if you are feeling lazy, just use my technique. Ask yourself
"What could I do in this situation that would make my mother proud,
or at least not ashamed of me?". Admittedly, this might be a bit
harder for you, since you probably don't know my mother.
Nuns don't need venom. They carry big rulers.
The future is not what it used to be.
It sounds, however, like the most likely problem is that you
listened to the bullshit emanating from the service technician's
mouth.
We don't want to see the future. We want to see what happens after
that.
One of the great things about a killfile is that it never gets full.
After all, being smothered to death in a beautiful woman's breasts
sounds better than it probably is, so there should be a plan B.
TINCAIDNMIKB
WORDS OF WISDOM FROM GROO'S WIFE
1. If you eat a Snickers but wash it down with a Diet Coke, they
cancel out.
2. When in doubt, vote Republican.
3. Michigan State is the best school in the Big 10.
4. The right type of gift to give your wife for every anniversary
is a diamond. Or gold. Or both.
5. Swimming pools are really great, even if you never actually get
in the water.
6. There is no need to actually finish sentences you start, because
7. You can't have too many shoes.
8. You aren't late until you get there.
9. Cuteness counts.
10. If your spouse makes you dinner, you should clean up afterwards.
MONITOR SPLATTERS and other OBSERVATIONS
I was sitting next to him, so I had the honor of hitting him.
That may be due to the guys' deep-seated desire to not have to look
at the world through the leg holes of their underwear.
I can't decide if it is a space shuttle starting the trip on the
railroad tracks to the launch pad, a Weeble with tits on top, or a
happy zipper pull.
I retract my previous statement. In triplicate.
If I didn't restrict the food intake of one of the cats, it would be
large enough by now to at least cause the universe to tilt a bit.
Take off the hat and we might tell you.
Canada wants to be one of the cool kids.
This may be one of the funniest things you've ever not written.
Well, sheoot, he might not be a furrner. He could just be stoopid.
That is the worst misspelling of "cranium" I've ever seen.
We've found that there's more humor value in putting people in high
government offices with no real experience or qualifications.
Cheap bastard. I paid 10 hobos to vote for me.
No, make that two googols. UPS may lose some in transit.
My brane is already full; I'm not clearing out any space for this
kind of crap. It would mean forgetting something more important,
like which drawer has the socks in it.
Well, you can stand by it, but that ain't going to get you very
loaded.
Imagine what they'd give us if we agreed to have sex with you, too.
You know more highly motivated dopers than me.
You need to hang with more talented badgers.
I think I'd like an RMA number for that Titan XIII booster you sold
me last week.
I actually didn't have a premise. Now I feel bad.
You are too modest. I believe you think quite chaotically.
Please don't tell me your first-best is a Wurlitzer.
Please don't type with your mouth full.
I would have responded, but it stunned me into a coma.
Spoken like a man with a yard full of old hens and an axe.
I must be going to the wrong garage sales.
In other news, Thag has coined the word "rock". It describes the
thing you've been living under.
I wasn't trying to impugn your manliness, Boron.
This must be one of them other times.
I don't care how many times you say it. We're not going to come over
and watch porn with you.
I miss you even when you are here, Brettster.
I'm hoping for some new insane stupidity, not the old insane
stupidity.
Don't look at me. My balls are the same color they've always been.
And summarizers often don't respond well to threats. We've both
learned something today!
I just thought someone had forgotten their Bean-o.
You should envy me. I mean, even more than you already must.
I think that goes on the opposite end of the pig.
That's what the shoe cabal wants you to think.
I could come up with some analogies to make my point, but I don't
feel like it, and it's not going to change anyone's mind anyway.
He did have me try to sing like Frank Sinatra, which is probably
illegal in several states.
I gotta quit skimming the sperm-stealing thread.
Yokels like him probably don't know what "inbred" means.
which is when I learned that I'm a bit squeamish about seeing
someone cut me open.
Bad prostate exam.
Hug it out, bitch.
Even Vice Presidents need target practice, you know.
Yeah, but I bet you don't have to buy a special tool to change the
brake pads on a male grizzly.
Maybe the dead are just insufficiently motivated to exercise.
Your husband has a laudable sense of priorities.
Oh, come on. You want to say Attilii. We know you want to say it. Go
ahead. Say it.
I blame your mother.
Turtles are much nicer. Probably even nuns are.
I first read that as "better tarts". Which would probably also make
the Customs guys interested.
If you were thinking of "lanuginous", I'd like to go on record as
contesting the personalness of your knowledge.
I've had the same thought, but I know I'd end up being buried in her
basement, if she had one.
I have never until this moment considered the idea that a cat might
have elbows. In the future, when an opportunity for "bee's knees"
comes up, I intend to replace it with "cat's elbows".
For once, I agree with you wholeheartedly. We should optimize our
public policy for my benefit.
"As your attorney, it is my duty to inform you that it is not
important that you understand what I'm doing or why you're paying me
so much money. What's important is that you continue to do so."
COMPLAINTS
It took me a few minutes to mine the joke out of this. I knew there
must be one buried in there somewhere, but I couldn't see it at
first. When I did eventually discover it, I felt like I'd been
digging for gold and came up with a fistful of iron pyrite.
You once told me that the sky is blue because of leprechaun farts.
QUESTIONS
Is Mme. a way to indicate that you are the proud owner of a
whorehouse?
What, you didn't like the part where the velociraptors were leaning
against trees, wearing miniskirts and smoking cigarettes?
What is this, "Ode to a Salad Shooter"?
To quote the sage: "Ya think, huh?"
You're discussing leftovers whilst sitting in the back of the
fridge?
Did you use human skin?
So your girlfriend is...big boned?
Isn't everyone alive a potential terrorist? Unless they are, you
know, an actual terrorist?
Was your rosary a full scale model?
Zippy? Is that you?
But did it also give her a virtual bikini wax?
Who's been telling MC about the secret plans?
Are you aware that this pushes you somewhere beyond "conspiracy
theorist" and "often wears a tinfoil hat" and into the vicinity of
"talks to his grocery cart" and "if he gets on the bus, get off"
territory?
How can I miss you if you never go away?
Do hogs require western saddles?
Has someone taken down their David Hasselhoff poster and put up one
of me?
How does a topologist put on socks?
Does someone have their hand up your ass?
Blowjobs, cheeseburgers, and football?
Older than Bill? Are you just a head in a jar?
WHY DO YOU HATE USENET????
Is the other way a big improvement? Does it make you
handsomer? Does it grow hair on your chest? Does it make your breath
minty fresh? Does it make the dog sing? Does it weatherseal the
windows? Does it cure nasty jock itch? Does it give you a four-hour
erection?
Shall we also send a tapir over to your house to teach you nuclear
engineering?
Does it count if you were taught by a half-crazy stripper and only
did it once?
Oh, and can I get an RMA number for my President, VP, Cabinet,
Congress and most of the Supreme Court?
Intact, or in chunks?
If you were going to move the Earth's axis, where would you place
it?
So I guess I shouldn't have doubled up the meds today to make up,
eh?
How much ink do you get out of an average sized peacock?
Job? Toupee? Potato? Good grip? Zest for life?
You want me to be eaten by godless, vicious bears?
Bananas will destroy America?
Are you one of those poofty little yap dogs?
What have you done with Dino, you pervert!?
Does the hovercar have tassels on the handlebars?
Do they even have pissing contests in nunneries?
Groo, where is the freakin' summary for last week?
Do I need to dirty my knickers?
I couldn't tell them I was doing it because a Penguin named Hiram
told me to, could I?
Are we talking about little condoms for the cats, or itty bitty
condoms for the fleas?
Who are you, and how do you know so much about my unit?
What if money suddenly starts shooting out my butt?
Did they fire me and forget to inform me (again)?
Does this mean everyone needs to stomp on their Roombas?
EURE? YLRIA?
What part of "Pop-Tart" don't you understand?
Are you back already, or have you not left yet?
I wonder if Miss Manners ever covered suicide etiquitte?
You help people learn how to raise rectangular solids?
After all, who knows your motivations better, you or some guy on
Usenet?
So if a bird flies into a car's windshield and causes the driver to
veer his vehicle into a tree, who was negligent? The bird, for
flying without a license and not granting the right-of-way to the
car? The auto manufacturer, for not putting in a radar-controlled
braking system? The state department of highways, for not installing
anti-bird machine gun turrets every 30 yards? The driver, for
assuming that nothing was going to swoop down out of the sky and
obscure his vision? The EPA and the FAA and the NTSB, for allowing
dangerous flying quasi-dinosaurs to scour the countryside? Me, for
setting up this hypothetical argument? You, for stating an
unsupportable assertion and goading me into it? Cecil Adams, for
bringing us together? Ed Ziotti, for really being him? The Chicago
Tribune, for putting him in business? The inventers of the internet
(NO AL GORE JOKES) for enabling our foolishness? Our ISPs for not
monitoring us and pulling the plug back when it first became obvious
how goofy we both are? The NSA for not acting on their knowledge of
our various heresies and imprisoning us long ago? The goddamn
communist midwesterners for corrupting us? The Flying Spaghetti
Monster, for making birds and people and cars and mountains and
midgets? WHO, dammit, who!!!???!!!???
MOTTOS
All Hail the Zombie Queen!
Through hard work, innovative thinking, and judicious use of napkins
and alcohol.
I didn't read all of this carefully, but it doesn't seem useful.
This has got to be the worst usenet excuse ever.
You have edumacated me, slightly.
We can't use any variants of "truthiness" in a motto
I'm not disputing whatever the heck it is your point is, I just
don't know what it is.
Please take pity on us retards.
Kind of mean-spirited, although occasionally amusing
This is all true, but I believe fairly useless in practice.
BANDS THAT COULD OPEN FOR BOB WARD'S AUNT'S MONKEY
Chuckling Platypii
Leaky Beavers
The Wrath of Oprah
Lower Riskfullness
Legal Weasels
Catfight!!!
Hooker Wipes
Millionaire Republican Lawyers
Disingenuous Tripe
Bubbles' Butt Monkey
Hacker Poodles
Carrier Wave Pigeons
Crazed Weasels on Acid
Wine Snobs
The Tao of Cupcakes
French-Speaking Gay Yankee Southerner
The Village Idiot People
Notorious Douchebags
Stinky McSmellypants
Suspicious-Looking Moles
Mindless Brown-Nosing Droids
Mackerel Surliness
Bacon Evolution
Fresh Live Entrees
Misogynistic Assholes of Limited Mental Faculties
Rat Cider
Stack of Opii
HAIKUII
There's a small amount of
poetry that I don't dislike;
I actively despise it.
Yelling at the radio is perfectly normal.
Slapping it is just crazy.
Besides, I can't get a really good swing at it.
HOPES and DREAMS
I'd like to see everyone who uses more than their fair share of
gasoline be required to have a large pig sticker on the back of
their vehicle.
I heard a quote on NPR today saying that the Vatican had released a
statement that "freedom of speech does not mean the freedom to
insult people's religion". I hope the Pope could hear me yelling
"YES IT DOES, YOU IDIOTS. THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT IT MEANS!". But
probably not, I was in my car with the windows up.
I now know where to find a Lithuanian periodic table. That oughta
impress the babes.
But I do like the idea of hacker poodles doing open heart surgery.
I'd like to think that our civilization isn't stuck in the mire, and
that our amazing new technologies will slowly help improve the
quality of civil discourse in addition to letting us download an old
Jethro Tull song for $0.99.
You could not only wash up the mess in your new kitchen sink, you
could probably also use the plasma cutter to dismember the body!
I'm hoping that my unit lifetime is pretty close to that of the rest
of me.
FEARS
I ain't clicking on a link containing "youtube" without some idea of
what it is first.
I don't want to grow a third nipple or lose my ability to see the
color greenblue.
Sammy Davis Jr. scared me when he was alive. I sure don't want to
conjure up a zombie version.
NEAR MISSES
Thanks for reminding me of the worst blind date ever. Well, at
least she wasn't British.
We won't have to worry for a bit about the armed Canadian invasion
of Minnesota.
LONG SHOTS
Maybe you can teach me to appreciate opera, or convert me back to
Christianity, or convince me that pickles are edible, or make me
want to buy a domestic car, or convince me that wine is better than
beer, or make me admit that Raven was right about something.
THREATS and DISAPPROVAL
My mother would like a few words with you.
You appear to have taken very lightly your duties to work into
on-line conversations the concepts of auto-defenestration, reverse
skydiving, and gallimaufry. I've spoken to the Board of Directors,
and they have instructed me to inform you that if immediate
improvement is not observed, your credentials shall be revoked.
I'd know, and in retribution I'd dream about you having sex with
Janet Reno.
Consider thyself frowned upon.
LIBELS and UNFORTUNATE OUTBURSTS
You should probably stick with your own species, you damn
miscegenating avian.
Opus never actually sends his points. It's all a scam.
Take your unpronouncable god and sod off.
Ha! I know you are lying, because my wife works for the NSA. She
knows about EVERYTHING. Even that photo of you and the walrus, you
sicko.
TMI
Once again, an afcan wanders into TMI territory without a permit.
I call mine "Lucy".
My wife only likes bananas that are at least partly green (due to
texture).
My underwear makes its own gravy.
I rode an elephant once. It blew snot all over my leg.
I knew right away that I shouldn't have eaten the last burrito.
I do NOT want to hear about what one does with crazy pussy thread.
Have I ever told you my sheep in the back seat story?
Opus has got wood!
They were kinda rectangular with bumps when I was a kid.
TURN OFFS
Billy Graham, Pat Robertson, and Opus
I could never fall for a chick without a basement.
I don't want to think about Nancy Reagan having sex with anyone,
ever.
TURN ONS
Either a little girl petting a puppy, or Kathie Lee Gifford
holding a studded dildo under her armpit.
I'm not willing to worship anything less than a whole buttock.
Tragedy, pathos, salvation, a pandemic, and a chicken!
I'm just more into dirty blondes.
I'll pay $15 for an hour-long mpeg of you tap dancing.
Do you see any Bimbo products? I love those.
Ooohhh!!!! Nipple fight!!!
Oh, and the present Mrs.G's body, of course.
CONFESSIONS
And I've been blaming Canada for my rotten brain. It was apparently
the British who are responsible.
I've pretty much given up on getting my inheritance from MC in time
to do anything but buy myself a hospital bed with gold-plated
railings. I need a new get-rich-now scheme.
I much prefer Ernie to Bert.
I prefer to think of you as Ms. Sheep.
You're even more shameless than me.
I was thinking "Damn! That Katherine Heigl is one fine looking
corpse!"
It was either that or think of the anatomy book, and that didn't
seem appropriate even to me.
I think of you every time a certain ex-Attorney General's name comes
up in conversation.
No, the hobos I got to scrub the front walk did a very nice job.
It's amazing what some folks will do for half a jar of pickles and
some yogurt that's a little past its expiration date.
That's why I stick a wad of gum on an empty seat when I go through
business class on my way back to Economy.
I should note that I got the info from my pork-chop-eating roomate,
who could have just been messing with our heads.
That was stupid, even by my standards.
I couldn't be arsed to bother to read the original question first,
which put me in the unenviable position of having to eventually
admit that John was right (at least, partially).
Us retards have feelings too, y'know.
It took me a minute to see what you were talking about, and then it
made me snort like a startled pig.
One time in Austin, while working in the yard and whilst wearing
shorts, I accidentaly knelt in a mound of fire ants. In a few
moments, I felt a rather unpleasant sensation on my knee, saw what
had happened, and proceeded to do the fire ant dance for several
minutes. I eventually got rid of all the little buggers and went
back to working in the yard.
I then proceeded to kneel down in the same fire ant mound, with the
same knee.
HELPFUL ADVICE TO KEEP KITTY FROM DESTROYING THE COUCH
A. Sell the couch. Preferably to someone who lives elsewhere.
B. Get the kitten hooked on heroin.
C. Encase the couch in lucite.
D. Suspend the couch from the ceiling. You can set up a
mini-trampoline to help you get on/off it, or you could be boring
and use a ladder.
E. Buy the kitten some expensive racing gloves. Or maybe little
cashmere socks. Tell it "all the cool kittens are wearing them".
F. Renounce your religion and join the growing ranks of adherents to
the religion of the Flying Spaghetti Monster. I am a Pastafarian,
and the cats never bother our leather couch. So I know it works.
G. Put the kitten in a large box containing the couch, a deadly
poisonous gas in a container hooked to a geiger counter, and a
radioactive element with a very long half life.
H. Remove the couch cushions, soak them in dog urine, and put them
back.
I. Get a canary. Don't keep it in a cage, just let it fly free
around the house. Better yet, get a bunch of them. The kitten will
be too busy to claw up the sofa.
J. Get a mean dog, and chain it to the couch.
K. Let a Jehovah's Witness live on your couch. Or an insurance
salesman.
L. Put the couch inside a very large aquarium. Don't use salt-water,
it will stain.
M. Get a very large, transparent plastic ball and put the kitten
inside it.
N. Put an electric fence around the couch. Or, paint the couch with
a metallic paint, and hook the electric fence zapper directly to it.
Set it to "stun".
NO PARTICULAR HEADING, I JUST COULDN'T LEAVE THIS OUT
A buddy had a Dino the Dinosaur in college. He died the the back
seat of a convertable, wearing sunglasses, on the way to Missouri to
buy fireworks.
ORATION IN SUPPORT OF STEALING
Stealing home plate is sometimes quite exciting. Stealing a glance
at attractive women is one of my favorite hobbies. Stealing a few
moments of my boss' time is often useful. Stealing ideas from other
disciplines can make for some great science. Stealing into the house
quietly saved my skin a few times in high school. Stealing a page
from my wife's book never seems to win any arguments with her, but
it's fun. Stealing votes from the opposing candidate is an important
tactic in winning elections. If chemical reactions didn't steal
electrons, life as we know it would end. Stealing forty winks in the
afternoon can be very refreshing. Stealing someone's thunder can be
amusing. Stealing a kiss from a pretty girl is one of life's
greatest pleasures.
SUMMING IT ALL UP
Well, that was a wonderful post in the finest afca tradition. It's
long, boring, looks reasonably probable, and doesn't at all address
my question. It was short on snarkiness, however, which I hope my
reply will correct.
I don't know how to summarize this.
AND WITH THAT, WE BID YOU FAREWELL
May you be touched by his noodly appendage. And meet a nice midget,
maybe on a mountain.
--
Opus the Penguin
The best darn penguin in all of Usenet
Dover Beach
I love you both so very much.
--
Dover
Dana Carpender
Opus the Penguin wrote:
> Here it is. The next summary of groo's stuff. I was hoping to get it
> done in time for people to enjoy it on the July 4th holiday. I guess
> I should have started earlier than the 3rd. To quote the man himself,
> "I would have sent this sooner, but I couldn't be bothered."
>
>
<sniperoo>
BRAVI! BRAVI! Groo and Opus both rock to the max.
Dana
Peter Boulding
<opusthepen...@gmail.com> wrote in
<Xns97F8C62E91413op...@127.0.0.1>:
>Here it is. The next summary of groo's stuff.
<vast snip>
<applause>
It's a pity groo can't come up with stuff that good.
--
Regards
Peter Boulding
p...@UNSPAMpboulding.co.uk (to e-mail, remove "UNSPAM")
Fractal music & images: http://www.pboulding.co.uk/
Lisa Ann
Thanks for this, it was wonderful
Lisa Ann
Sanford Manley
> Here it is. The next summary of groo's stuff. I was hoping to get it
> done in time for people to enjoy it on the July 4th holiday. I guess
> I should have started earlier than the 3rd. To quote the man himself,
> "I would have sent this sooner, but I couldn't be bothered."
Added to the AFCAWiki http://ansaman.stikipad.com/ansamanwiki/show/AFCAWiki
--
Sanford M. Manley
Probably the saddest thing you'll ever
see is a mosquito sucking on a
mummy. Forget it, little friend.
The AnsaMan Wiki http://wiki.ansaman.com
Sanford Manley
My underwear makes its own gravy.
This is the most profound statement
ever made on AFCA.
groo
> On Fri, 07 Jul 2006 00:29:03 GMT, Opus the Penguin
> <opusthepen...@gmail.com> wrote in
> <Xns97F8C62E91413op...@127.0.0.1>:
>
>>Here it is. The next summary of groo's stuff.
> <vast snip>
>
> <applause>
> It's a pity groo can't come up with stuff that good.
>
You don't know how right you are. There's a good 20% or so of that stuff
that I don't recall at all. I'm pretty sure Opus is making some of it up to
make me look good. Or bad, it's sort of hard to say. When you read it all
together I sound like a bit more of a buffoon than I really am. I hope.
Can someone remind me what "bop the rat" means? I remember I was quite
enamoured of the phrase, but no longer have a clue what it referred to.
Oh, and the stuff about Middle English and The Great Vowel Shift? I googled
most of that stuff up, then promptly forgot it. It certainly didn't come
out of my vast knowledge of etymology. The other "facts" did come from me,
though.
Thanks, herring-breath.
--
"Once bread becomes toast, it can never go back." - Ajax
bill van
groo <afca...@gmail.com> wrote:
> Peter Boulding <p...@UNSPAMpboulding.co.uk> wrote:
>
> > On Fri, 07 Jul 2006 00:29:03 GMT, Opus the Penguin
> > <opusthepen...@gmail.com> wrote in
> > <Xns97F8C62E91413op...@127.0.0.1>:
> >
> >>Here it is. The next summary of groo's stuff.
> > <vast snip>
> >
> > <applause>
> > It's a pity groo can't come up with stuff that good.
>
> Thanks, herring-breath.
Groopus lives.
Rick B.
DBD0DA.031...@news.telus.net:
Walter Groopus, AFCA's resident architect...
groo
> Groo said:
>
> My underwear makes its own gravy.
>
> This is the most profound statement
> ever made on AFCA.
Perhaps. I'm guessing that it wasn't original with me. Heck, it sounds
more like Tony Myers than me.
--
Reporter: "What three things would you save if your house was on
fire?"
Ricky Gervais: "Oh, I don't know. I suppose the cat, and the salamander."
Reporter: "That's only two. What about the third?"
Ricky Gervais: "Oh, I don't know. I suppose.....one of the twins."
Tony Myers (A giant among lesser men)
> > My underwear makes its own gravy.
> >
> > This is the most profound statement
> > ever made on AFCA.
>
> Perhaps. I'm guessing that it wasn't original with me. Heck, it sounds
> more like Tony Myers than me.
Not me, but I did get in trouble back when I was a bag boy for laughing
at an old woman who said "I make my own gravy". It's a Bugs Bunny
resting in a pot with carrots and onions kinda mental image
Rick B.
207.115.17.102:
> "Sanford Manley" <manl...@bellsouth.net> wrote:
>
>> Groo said:
>>
>> My underwear makes its own gravy.
>>
>> This is the most profound statement
>> ever made on AFCA.
>
> Perhaps. I'm guessing that it wasn't original with me. Heck, it sounds
> more like Tony Myers than me.
"My nose makes its own bubblegum!"
--Ralph Wiggum