Sun in my Eyes

[alarmclok]

So there I am walking across the parking lot at 9 o clock at night on December 18th clad in 30 dollar Nikes with the memory foam and a Carrhart jacket and A GAWDAMN BOGGIN. I dunno why I'm listing name brands. Maybe they'll pay me money when this book I'm writing sells 10 billion copies. I would've had money to buy a can of snuff with but the idiot drunk nurse locked my money up with my meds. I'm not even gonna go into that story except to say the way that jailhouse was ran a man who got out when the nurse wasn't there would just have to wait til she was there to get his meds. AND ONE LOOK AT ME AND YOU'LL KNOW I NEED SOME KINDA MEDICATION. I'm 10 feet tall and 600 pounds and got arms like legs and legs like trees and a heart of gold bigger than Texas. No money, so I went to this tobacco store, the standalone kind where the cashier hangs out in an area the size of a masturbation booth all day. I figured my good looks and charm would make her break her neck trying to charge me a pack of cigarettes. I asked her "how late yall stay open?" she said "we're open til 12" so far so good so I said "hey I got a ride coming in about an hour could you charge me a pack of smokes til then?" That's when it all turned ugly, she said they don't charge to anyone wouldn't care if it was five minutes, I still had a dead kitten in my back pocket soaked with kerosene from when I'd been raising hell 15 days prior. I can't believe they didn't take it from me in jail, perhaps they were afraid to ask what it was, and if I told them, what it was for. So just as I was about to take this flammable dead kitten outta my pocket, light it on fire, and toss it into her hair, it occurred to me to ask if she was horny. She said she stayed horny and sat around all day with a vibrator egg in her cooch masturbating to internet porn. I said "I bet you'd like some tounge action in there, how bout I munch down on your dirty spot?" So I walked to the side of her shack went in, jerked her pants down, took a sniff and nearly gagged but I wanted a pack of cigarettes so I ate it anyways and pretended the gagging sounds I was making was just cause it was so delicious I wanted to "eat it all gone." Anyways, I must've gotten done and was half addled by the putrid scent of whatever I'd just eaten I entirely forgot about the cigarettes that I desired so badly to force me into such a compromising situation until I was halfway across the street to Wal-Mart. I had shut it out of my mind like a trauma event until I had a flashback about it a week later while I was taking week old scraps to my cousin's dog. Lemme explain.

I'd just gotten out of jail. I'd only been in there 5 hours. They ROR bonded me out cause they knew I'd stick out like a sore thumb as long as I wasn't hiding under a rock somewhere. They knew THEY could find ME, but they were more worried about ME finding THEM. They'd heard of me before, a wreckless deranged no gooder, I was a danger to the entire criminal population of that jail, and they'd gotten me out JUST IN TIME. I was just on the verge of busting teeth and dislocating elbows and having some ear meat for dessert. I'd heard from an inmate the nurse was a notorious cock hungry drunkard who liked to mouthrape inmates and it was her fault I got kicked out of jail with no medication. LUCKY for them I was still jacked up on Prozac and imminent freedom or I would've demanded to stay in jail so I could have my morning time meds. I regretted not staying.

It was cold out and I'd just eaten the nastiest cunt in Hazard for a pack of cigarettes I didn't get. But that's not what bothered me, I'm not even going to admit what really bothered me about the situation. Maybe I'll get drunk and tell on myself someday. I made it to the bathroom at Wal-Mart, jerked off in the handicapped stall while fantasizing about getting head from a blindfolded stepsister that didn't know I was her stepbrother. But that's more details than really need be shared. After all that hot blindfolded stepsister masturbation I washed the nasty out of my mouth with some soap from the dispenser and that's when I realized what was so fucked up about this situation. Why hadn't I washed my mouth out before I masturbated? Oh well. Now I needed a cigarette.

I went to the line where all the cigarettes are and this stupid cunt and her dickhead man or husband or lover or brother or cousin or GAWDAMN SOME OTHER IGNORANT PIECE OF COCKBITE SHIT - well, she got in line a whole 3 seconds before I did, and seeing that I had absolutely nothing in my hands and it would take her 10 billion years longer to checkout than me, she didn't offer to let me skip line. My hand grazed the kerosene soaked kitten in my back pocket and once again I restrained myself thinking "I better get rid of this thing before I light it on fire and throw it at some imbecile." But I waited in line for 10 years and told the clerk "I know this ain't no mom and pop store but could you charge me a pack of cigarettes for like an hour until my ride gets here?" She says something along the lines of "no you look like a tweaked out methhead you're probaly the one who stole my grannies purse on your way to get sudafed you lowlife piece of shit, how about you talk to my supervisor and see if they'll let your sorry ass charge a pack of cigarettes?" I said "sure I'll talk to em" And she was standing right there, some chunky redhead, I asked her and shes all like "nooooo we'd have to go higher up the ladder than me, maybe I can get a general manager for you" But I could tell by the tone in her voice that she wanted nothing to do with me either, I was just a lowly homeless vagrant in here trying to cop a pack of free smokes. Then the general manager came in and that's when things took a turn for the better. I could see that this man understood me. I'd been running lines through my head on how to talk to them so much that it felt rehearsed and fake but I told him anyways "I know this ain't no mom and pop store and the world is full of methheads, liars, thieves, junkies, winos, and other such riffraff, but I am simply a drunken bastard and part time wino and I just got outta the local brig and they kept my money and I'd like to charge a pack of cigarettes while I wait on my ride and if you don't charge em to me at least I've had an interesting time killing time while I wait on my ride when I shall come in here with more money than you'll see in the next 10 years, I'm a goddamned captain of an oil rig, I program LUNA-SCRIPTS and MattDamon C++ and Ruby Shaped Kablastafuck scripts, I make 10 billion dollars an hour and all I want right now is a pack of cigarettes!" For a second the look in his eye told me that I'd gone a little overboard, but next thing I know he's explaining to me that at his humble Wal-Mart shop, people need these Wal-Mart credit cards. He took me right over and signed me up, told me I had a 10 thousand dollar limit. I bought a whole carton of cigarettes and a Bic lighter for each and every pocket. Then I bought 10 cases of Milwaukee's Best Light then told Tiffany to take me home with her, that we would drink beer and fuck til we were sick as dogs and raw as an Asian salad. Or something like that. Then I remembered I was waiting on my ride to come so we just went to the bathroom and I threw her down onto the cumstain where I'd jacked off to blindfolded stepsister fantasies only 45 minutes before and got her pregnant then kicked her in the stomach cause I was in no mood for fatherhood.

Apparently someone had called the cops on me, I was running out the door as they came in, I pointed back towards the electronics and said "GO GIT EEM BOYS THERES A KRAZI MOTHERFUCKER BACK THERE WHO LOOKS EXACTLY LIKE ME HES RAISING HELL OVER THE PRICE OF BLANK DVDS WAVING A BROKEN ONE AROUND THREATENING TO KILL HIMSELF!!!!" Oh I was out of breath and I'd left my carton of Marlboros at the cash register and my Wal-Mart card got lost in the midst of that post-jack bathroom Tiffany banging. Apparently word had spread about my krazed DVD version of myself, I heard an old man saying "but my granddaughter uses Dee - Bee- Deez. I explained some of my situation, the part before all the hellraising started, and that I wanted a cigarette. The guy took out a pack of Marlboro Lights, handed me his lighter and it took me a few times to get it lit with the wind howling all around us, damned near knocked me off my feet a time or two. I took a couple puffs then ripped the filter off and proceeded to smoke it down to nothing holding it like a roach in a very conspicuous manner for someone the cops were trying to find. But I didn't care because I was and am TEBO SHEPHERD. I'd finally succeeded in getting a cigarette and despite being at the tail end of 27 years old still wondering if I'd die like a rockstar, for those first few hits of the cigarette I was 16 again, laying back on a bench stripped abandoned stripjob smoking a marlboro with my fourwheeler sitting a few feet away.