KIBO'S FAKE DR PEPPER ROUNDUP (revised)
James Kibo Parry
KIBO'S FAKE DR PEPPER ROUNDUP
==============================
revised (3rd edition), 3/14/97
SPONSORED BY THE AMERICAN "WHY BOTHER EVEN MANUFACTURING A DOZEN KNOCKOFFS
OF SOMETHING MARGINAL ENOUGH TO ONLY BE IN HALF THE CONVENIENCE STORES OF
THE WORLD ANYWAY?" FOUNDATION. THE NAME "DR PEPPER" IS A REGISTERED
TRADEMARK OF B. A. PEPPER, AGE FIVE.
This is a taste test I conducted while watching "Manimal". (The episode
about the evil magicians.) All beverages were from freshly-opened two-liter
bottles, except for Mr. Pibb and Dr. Joe's, which I could get only in a can
(which probably accounts Mr. Pibb's extra fizziness but not Dr. Joe's
flatness.) All ratings are measured relative to Dr Pepper, so you can scale
them by dividing by how much better you think Coke or Pepsi is than Dr
Pepper. Note that I often rated the weaker flavors more highly than the
ones which had a taste that was strong enough for me to figure out how bad
they are. To cleanse my palate after each swig, I made fresh with
citron-flavored Mentos soaked in Orbitz.
DR PEPPER
Manufacturer: Dr Pepper (NOT Coca-Cola or Pepsi, although your local Pepsi
or Coke plant may bottle it)
Color: Brown, like colas.
Flavor: A sort of sour cherry-vanilla taste; loads of vanillin (the stuff
they put in cheap chocolate and marshmallows) and lactic acid (the stuff
that makes milk into yogurt.) Normal people don't like it, but it's an
acquired taste, and I've acquired it. Has a strong aroma and is generally
considered sweeter than Coke, probably comparable to Pepsi or Coke II (Max
Headroom's favorite.)
Rating: 1.0
Dr. ROCKET
Manufacturer: American Fare (aka K-Mart)
Color: Same as Dr. Pepper.
Flavor: Amazingly similar to real Dr. Pepper, despite the shoddy
differences of the other imitations--this one's right on the money. I
docked it a tenth of a point just because you have to go to K-Mart to buy
it.
Rating: 0.9
DR. SMOOTH
Manufacturer: President's Choice (the house brand of supermarkets who don't
want to bother having their own; locally seen at Star Market and Stop &
Shop, which is not to be confused with Shop & Save or Stop & Go. "P.C."
foods are made even more politically correct by being labelled in both
English and Quebecois. "P.C." is a trademark of Sunfresh Inc.)
Color: Purplish brown.
Flavor: Warm, it tasted poor (more so than Dr. Pepper does) with an
unidentifiable yet disturbing flavor. Chilled, it was _very_ similar to Dr.
Pepper--considerably more so than most of the other fakes.
Comments: This is the only one of the clones whose bottle doesn't look
right--it's black with red and yellow lettering. They didn't get the color
of the soda or the bottle right, but the contents are fine if chilled.
Rating: 0.9 cold, 0.4 warm
MR. PIBB
Manufacturer: Coca-Cola
Color: Same as Dr Pepper.
Taste: Very fizzy but almost no flavor. Imagine a Dr Pepper with more sugar
and gas and less of the other stuff. Reminded me of the clear stuff you
sometimes get at McDonalds when the soda dispenser is sick.
Comments: Very boring but non-threatening. Even more a phenomenon of the
South than Dr Pepper; extremely rare north of Mason-Dixon. The most
commercially successful of the fake Dr Peppers, even though it's the only
one which flunked out of grad school.
Rating: 0.6
DR. SLICE
Manufacturer: Pepsi (part of their Slice line of artificial fruit
beverages, this one's an artificial artificial flavor)
Color: Same as Dr Pepper.
Flavor: Artificial cherry. Just like cough syrup, or worse, a barbershop
lollipop.
Comments: Drinkable, but bad.
Rating: 0.5
DR STARR
Manufacturer: American Premier (I didn't know we'd elected Kruschev. This
brand shows up at Osco Drug.)
Color: Same as Dr Pepper.
Taste: None. Like Mr. Pibb, without the sugar or most of the carbonation.
Comments: I thought I'd had a stroke until I realized it was placebo flavored.
Rating: 0.4
DR. RIGHT
Manufacturer: Preferred Selection (like President's Choice and American
Fare and American Premier, but different. Seen at a mom-n-pop in Roxbury,
69c for two liters.)
Color: Same as Dr Pepper.
Taste: Cherry Coke, only sweeter and weaker.
Comments: Poorly-made cap (compared to other brands) was hard to remove, a
blessing in disguise.
Rating: 0.3
DR. ZEPPA
Manufacturer: Store 24 (along with Lemon Zup and other products that may
have been named by the late Bill Gaines)
Color: Purplish-grayish-brown. The couldn't even get THAT right?
Flavor: Really really really weak Moxie. Dilute yet still repulsive.
Comments: Worst of the bunch. Not as bad as Store 24's Blue Raspberry,
which tastes like watermelon Bubble Yum and can be smelled from thirty feet
away, but still nearly as bad as getting fermented shrimp paste up your
nose in zero gravity while using Windows 3.1.
Rating: 0.1
DR. JOE'S ALL NATURAL SPICY SODA
Manufacturer: Trader Joe's (they also sell a chunky aloe drink, and a
"fruit and vegetable drink" which is mostly orange juice with stuff like
spinach added for flavor)
Color: Brown.
Flavor: VILE! EVIL! VILE! EVIL!!!! Imagine Lavoris mixed with dirt. One
sip, and your tongue feels fuzzy for hours; the awful aftertaste just
wouldn't go away. Other things to think of as you drink it: tincture of
iodine, ice that's been in the freezer for decades, camphor, carbonated
vomit.
Comments: Carbonation is weak. The only one of these sodas to be naturally
flavored. Ingredients: carbonated water, high fructose corn syrup, caramel
color, phosphoric acid, natural flavors (cherry, citrus oils, spices). I
couldn't taste the cherry or citrus; it was like drinking battery acid with
a tenth of a Pez dissolved in it. As I write this, I am suffering from
stomach cramps.
Rating: 0.0 (I thought Dr. Zeppa was bad. I have confidence I will not have
to use any negative numbers in rating future contenders. This is the worst
thing I've ever tasted, including rancid Crunchy Waterchestnut Drink from
Chinatown.)
At this point the test was halted because "Manimal" was over and I was
feeling kind of sick.
You'd think it would be a simple matter to come up with a perfect knockoff
of something which tastes completely artificial, but noooo, we can land a
man on the Moon but we can't run some Dr Pepper through a gas chromatograph
to see whether it's supposed to taste like cherry, Coke, vanillin, or dirty
socks. I am formally recommending to the President of the World that these
fakes be told to shape up or they will be forced to drink Dr. Zeppa forever
and ever and all the bad stuff will go away and there will never be any war
and everyone will hug all the time. Also if the fakes haven't really earned
a graduate degree then everyone will sue them for a million billion zillion
dollars and all the candy in the world.
Yours in Pepperness, James "Kibo" Parry.
Note to pedants: Those who believe I should have used the American "Dr.
Pepper" instead of the British "Dr Pepper" (which is on the bottle) may use
the following periods to salt and pepper this essay as they please ---> . .
. . . . . . .
NEXT: FEENAMINT, THE LAXATIVE GUM -- MEDICAL MIRACLE OR COMMUNIST THREAT TO
AN UNWARY PUBLIC?
-- K.
Bruce Tomlin
In alt.religion.kibology James "Kibo" Parry <ki...@world.std.com> wrote:
>DR. ZEPPA
>Manufacturer: Store 24 (along with Lemon Zup and other products that may
>have been named by the late Bill Gaines)
Is Store 24 connected in any way with Area 51?
>Color: Purplish-grayish-brown. The couldn't even get THAT right?
>Flavor: Really really really weak Moxie. Dilute yet still repulsive.
>Comments: Worst of the bunch. Not as bad as Store 24's Blue Raspberry,
>which tastes like watermelon Bubble Yum and can be smelled from thirty feet
>away, but still nearly as bad as getting fermented shrimp paste up your
>nose in zero gravity while using Windows 3.1.
>Rating: 0.1
Windows 3.1 works in zero gravity? I thought they weren't using it on
the shuttle because it required gravity to know which way to crash!
>At this point the test was halted because "Manimal" was over and I was
>feeling kind of sick.
So I guess you didn't get around to Wal-Mart's Dr. Lightning, then?
Andy Wing
In article <kibo-ya02408000R...@news.std.com>,
ki...@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) wrote:
>KIBO'S FAKE DR PEPPER ROUNDUP
>==============================
>revised (3rd edition), 3/14/97
>
>SPONSORED BY THE AMERICAN "WHY BOTHER EVEN MANUFACTURING A DOZEN KNOCKOFFS
>OF SOMETHING MARGINAL ENOUGH TO ONLY BE IN HALF THE CONVENIENCE STORES OF
>THE WORLD ANYWAY?" FOUNDATION. THE NAME "DR PEPPER" IS A REGISTERED
>TRADEMARK OF B. A. PEPPER, AGE FIVE.
>
>This is a taste test I conducted while watching "Manimal".
So when do you do the "paint stripping" test? I need a good review
before taking my van to Maaco.
--
Politics is not the art of persuasion, it's the science of selfishness.
"Speeding down the misinformation superhighway"
Big Brother is not watching you, you're watching Big Brother, all 181 channels
a_wing@th_under.ocis.temple.edu (Remove underscores to reply)
Bruce Ediger
Dear Mr Kibo-Parry:
I think you missed at least two DR PEE PER imitation sodas:
"Big K" from the Denver-area "King Sooper" grocery chain
"Skipper" from K-Mart or some damn place like that.
If you want, I'll track down "Big K" and/or "Skipper" and send you bottles.
Huge bottles. Indescribably large bottle of this swill.
ki...@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) wrote:
>KIBO'S FAKE DR PEPPER ROUNDUP
>==============================
>revised (3rd edition), 3/14/97
>DR PEPPER
>Dr. ROCKET
>DR. SMOOTH
>MR. PIBB
>DR. SLICE
>DR STARR
>DR. RIGHT
>DR. ZEPPA
Marcus Patz
Bruce Ediger (bed...@csn.net) wrote:
: "Skipper" from K-Mart or some damn place like that.
I think it's part of Safeway's Cragmont line.
tk...@nyx.net
In alt.drink.mrpibb Bruce Ediger <bed...@csn.net> wrote:
: Dear Mr Kibo-Parry:
: I think you missed at least two DR PEE PER imitation sodas:
: "Big K" from the Denver-area "King Sooper" grocery chain
: "Skipper" from K-Mart or some damn place like that.
Skipper sells at Safeway stores in the West.
Dr. K also sells at Kroger and a few mini-marts as well.
Actually, the K-Mart brand is called American Fare (not sure of the actual
product name)
`K. Marie Mennie'
In article <5gqco3$k...@nyx10.cs.du.edu>, <tk...@nyx.net> wrote:
:Actually, the K-Mart brand is called American Fare (not sure of the actual
:product name)
Har! Fancy that, them being so honest about it!
Anyway, I just wanted to point out that I suspect Dr Pepper of being
differently ingrediented in the US as compared to Canadian Dr Pepper.
If anybody has some Canadian Dr Pepper, or knows somebody who does, could
they please post a list of ingredients? I'm sure somebody else (NOTE: NOT
ME SINCE I DON'T HAVE ANY) will reciprocate by following up and saying
`No, it's not right,' or `Kia is correct as usual,' or just `Of course it
has less sugar in Canada -- THEY'RE COMMUNIST.'
--
<news:alt.fan.kia-mennie> <web:http://neon.ingenia.com/~kmm>
17d...@acdmc.mc3.edu
In article <5gqco3$k...@nyx10.cs.du.edu>, tk...@nyx.net wrote:
>
> Actually, the K-Mart brand is called American Fare (not sure of the actual
> product name)
Dr. Rocket. A geniunely creative title, in my opinion.
ObT: Uh.. just a lurker. Maybe next time.
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tk...@nyx.net
One more to add to the list:
Dr. Shasta...the Shasta brand sold in smaller stores in the midwest.