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The Discordian Quotes File

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Matthew R. Sheahan

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Jul 5, 1996, 3:00:00 AM7/5/96
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submitted for your approval: the current version of the Discordian Quotes
File from Lost Souls LPMud (telnet://lostsouls.org:3000).

chiaroscuro

At the preemptory request of a large number of the citizens of these United States, I, Joshua Norton, formerly of Algoa Bay, Cape of Good Hope, and for the past nine years and ten months of San Francisco, California, declare and proclaim myself Emperor of these United states, and in virtue of the authority in me vested, do hereby order and direct the representatives of the different states of the Union to assemble in the music hall of this city on the 1st day of February next, then and there to make such a
lterations in the existing laws of the Union as may ameliorate the evils under which the country is laboring, and thereby cause confidence to exist, both at home and abroad, in our stability and integrity. signed, Norton I, Emperor of the United States.
I like the stars. It's the illusion of permanence, I think. I mean, they're always flaring up and caving in and going out. But from here, I can pretend... I can pretend that things last. I can pretend that lives last longer than moments. Gods come, and gods go. Mortals flicker and flash and fade. Worlds don't last; and stars and galaxies are transient, fleeting things that twinkle like fireflies and vanish into cold and dust. But I can pretend.
Do you know why I stopped being Delight, my brother? I do. There are things not in your book. There are paths outside this garden. You would do well to remember that.
You know that little dent on your upper lip? A long time ago, before you were born, I told you a secret. Then I put my finger there and said 'Shhhh'.
I live for drugs. It's great.
In my dreams, my father lights up a penis and starts smoking it. What does that mean, Dr. Freud?
Once the music leaves your head, it's already compromised.
Just listen to this piece of Hey propaganda: "Hey! [Nothing lasts forever] Hey! [Nothing is worth fighting for] Hey! [Yes, we have no bananas]"
O pointy birds, o pointy pointy! Anoint my head, anointy nointy!
You have crossed the path of Die Fledermaus... not that that's exactly a bad thing.
Would you, could you in Japan? With Godzilla and Rodan?
Drop your panties, Sir William, I can no longer wait until lunch time.
I didn't have a date for the senior prom, so I had to take my cousin... Anthony... who was 42... and a priest. It was the worst prom picture I'd ever seen, but hey, at least I got laid.
I like to go to the playground and see the children jump up and down, because they don't know that I'm only using blanks.
In space, nobody can hear you say, 'Hey, Pokey, let's go on an adventure!'
You know what they call a quarter pounder with cheese in France?
Jesus built my hotrod, but Cthulhu built my Buell.
Well, Tick, I'd like to be able to say that on our planet, we're considered quite beautiful. But, frankly, we're dogs.
In addition to being dangerously deranged nihilists, the Heys are a chatty, ceremonious race. This is an important event for the Heys. Their leader has been giving his good-bye to everything speech for thirteen years.
Our race is the most squirrely, easily-frightened bunch of cowards in the universe. Centuries ago, we learned to harness our fear and use it as fuel.
We're going to have to use untested technology to achieve the speed of lint.
Beware therefore! Love all, lest perchance is a King concealed! Say you so? Fool! If he be a King, thou canst not hurt him. Therefore strike hard & low, and to hell with them, master!
I will detonate in fifteen seconds.
O thou wicked and disobedient spirit, because thou hast rebelled, and hast not obeyed nor regarded my words which I have rehearsed; they being all glorious and incomprehensible names of the true God, the maker and creator of thee and of me, and of all the world; I do by the power of these names the which no creature is able to resist, curse thee into the depths of the Bottomless Abyss, there to remain unto the Day of Doom in chains, and in fire and brimstone unquenchable.
THAT'S NOT HAIKU! YOU'RE JUST COUNTING SYLLABLES!
A woman without a fish is like a man without a bicycle.
You say you came to us to learn. Very well. We'll teach you. Teach you that it isn't the sex; isn't the power; isn't the cruelty. We are soldiers of darkness, Philip. Gladiators, warriors, and gods. And we'll teach you. The good doctor likes to skin people alive. Nimrod is a hunter. He can bone, joint, and gut any animal in minutes. For myself, I have a penchant for eyes. And do you know what we're going to do now, Philip? We're going to take turns.
Things come to those who wait. Things like old age, death, and eternal virginity.
The Pledge of Allegiance does not end with 'Hail Satan!'
I'll always remember the last words of my grandfather, who said, "A truck!"
Nothing could be finer than to napalm one-oh-niner in the morning! Nothing could be sweetah than to sizzle like fajitas in the morning! EVERYBODY!
I predict that this prediction will come true.
Do you come from the land down under? Where women blow and men blunder? Can't you hear, can't you hear the thunder? You better run, you better take cover!
Mantra for the Sixties: Tune in, turn on, drop out. Mantra for the Nineties: Fall in, get it on, sell out.
To date, America's Most Wanted has captured four hundred felons, and none of them have been vampires, mutants, or UFOs. What's wrong with you people?
Your suffering will be legendary, even in Hell.
I've upped my standards. Up yours.
A wise man knows on which side his blonde is better.
This is my first real attempt at cliched villainy. How am I doing?
I came; I caught; I cankered.
Mathematicians, beware the sine of the beast!
Digital watch owners, your days are numbered!
Traditions in the Royal Navy? The only traditions in the Royal Navy are rum, buggery, and the lash!
To absent friends, lost loves, old gods, and the Season of Mists; and may each and every one of us always give the Devil his due.
Ladies and gentlemen, I've suffered for my music. Now it's your turn.
Don't think of it as being vastly outnumbered, think of it as having a very wide selection of targets.
Both Psychopomp and Carnifex, you gained great heights through death and lies: but now the dead begin to rise, and debts forgotten time collects. The dogs will chew your carcass yet; amidst your bones rats will romp, and even history shall forget you, Carnifex and Psychopomp.
I liked it so much, I bought the company.
My book report will be on the '120 Days of Sodom'.
Perestroika, Perestroika / Gorbachev, Gorbachev / Stalin, Lenin, Trotsky / Stalin, Lenin, Trotsky / ding, dong, ding / ding, dong, ding.
What rolls down stairs, alone or in pairs, rolls over your neighbor's dog? What's great for a snack, and fits on your back? It's Log, Log, Log! It's Log! It's Log! It's big, it's heavy, it's wood! It's Log! It's Log! It's better than bad, it's good! Everyone wants a log. Come on and get a log. Everyone needs a log. Everyone wants a log! From Blammo!
The unexamined life is not worth taking.
Ray, the next time someone asks you if you're a god, you say YES!
Back off, man, I'm a scientist.
Could you describe the ruckus, sir?
Listen: you can hear the screaming. Three children are trapped in an elevator with Bobby-Joe McCann. Harold Smith prowls the dog's home, a tire iron clutched in his bloodied fist. Maude Carillon screams with laughter as the flame devours the geriatric ward. Listen. Listen: you can hear the sobbing. On the freeway helpless weeping comes from the crash-sculpture of twisted, blistering metal, burning rubber, shattered glass. In the streets of New York, a group of fundamentalists know that this is the A
rmageddon; and they are still here, trapped on the earth. Bereft of their Rapture they weep for their abandonment by a suddenly distant God. In the radio room Nan Fowler knows she has no more ambulances to send, and the calls just won't stop coming in. Listen. Listen to the anguish of a world in which the bad things are coming out of the dark places. Listen to a world in pain. Listen. You can hear it.
I am anti-life, the Beast of Judgement. I am the dark at the end of everything. The end of universes, gods, worlds... of everything.
Blood rituals to dark gods are best performed in private.
There will be a rain dance today, weather permitting.
I think you're very nice. I think twinkle's a nice word. So's viridian. I met a lady once who had an imaginary fish.
When in danger or in boubt, run in circles, scream and shout.
Did I say she was cute? I'm sorry, I meant she was a hideous, man-eating pit of despair.
I understand the importance of bondage between parent and child.
You tolerate me, you really tolerate me!
Crossbows don't kill people. Quarrels do.
"What's that bad man doing to my pet donkey, Daddy?" "That ain't just any bad man, that's Hitler. And he's fucking your donkey."
Five is right out.
You piss me off, Cain, and you sound just like Vincent Price.
I'm a simple man. All I want is enough sleep for two normal men, enough whiskey for three, and enough women for four.
All rivers run into the sea, yet the sea is not full.
That glowing red ball hanging just over the horizon had damn well better be the setting sun, bucko.
And god saw the lag, and it was evil. But he kept it anyway.
Please return the stewardess to her original, upright position.
Let me help you to pick up your dead as the sins of the fathers are fed with the blood of the fools and the thoughts of the wise and from the pan under your bed.
Xenophobia doesn't benefit anyone, unless you're playing Scrabble.
If a little knowledge is dangerous, where is the man who has so much as to be out of danger?
We shall worship mighty Hastur, 'cuz no one gets us running faster, when we chant Hastur Hastur Hastur, and that's good enough for m*urk*munch*munch*munch*
We shall worship mighty Dagon, that conservative old pagan, who still votes for Ronald Reagan, and that's good enough for me
We shall worship Hello Kitty, 'cuz she's cute and plush and pretty, though she's got no mouth or titty, and that's good enough for me
That initiate's a fool, but he's been graced with a twelve inch tool, so he'll be fifth degree by yule, if all the girls agree
The beatings will continue until morale improves.
I complained that I had no shoes; then I saw a man who had no feet... and I wondered if he had some shoes he wasn't using.
It is better to be a pleasantly surprised pessimist than a bitterly disappointed optimist.
New improved Comet! Removes tough stains and oversized reptiles.
Nous qui comprenons la vie, nous nous moquons bien des numeros.
I was fucking insane and she wasn't that bad.
Worse yet, I am at the moment very conscious of a squirrel that is leaping from one tree to another, but fitting the squirrel together with Fernando Poo is, for the present, beyond my powers.
An' so he sez to me, "You wanna be a bad guy, baby?" An' I say, "Yeah, baby, yeah! Ride 'em, space pony! We're making gravy without the lumps!"
You haven't lived 'til you've been with the dead.
I Gregory!
Acid consumes 23 times its own weight in reality.
He sez, "Son, can you play me a memory? I'm not really sure how it goes, but it's short and it's sweet, and I sang it complete when my wife caught me wearing her clothes."
Man, I KNOW it's not normal for a man to go out and dismember a woman just because he wants to have sex with her.
Okay. I'm a slut, you're a slut, who wants coffee?
The truth is out there.
The truth is up there.
The truth is in my shorts.
So you see, Dr. Jones, once again I have proven that there is nothing you possess that I cannot take away.
Old warriors never die, they're just caught wearing their wife's nighties.
I know that I'm bein' used; that's okay man 'cuz I like the abuse... I know she's playin' with me; that's okay 'cuz I got no self-esteem...
I guess I should stick up for myself, but I really think it's better this way... the more you suffer, the more it shows you really care... right? Yeah...
To this day, the smell of burning hair puts me in the Christmas spirit.
Yes, sanity's a one-trick pony, but when you're mad, the sky's the limit!
If the ancients were so wise, why are they dead?
Roses are blue, violets are read, I like to shoot heroin straight into my head.
Well, swing your partner around on a chain, 'cuz love is best when there's sweet pain!
Deal with it, pinkboy!
Don't worry, I've performed this operation on 57 people, God rest their souls.
I'm as good as that guy named Jesus. I can cure a cripple with a prosthesis. And I can walk on water when it freezes. I'm as good as that guy named Jesus. And Jesus better watch His back.
Your advanced intelligence is no match for our puny weapons.
No man is a Three Mile Island.
There is no knowledge that is not power. I am not wearing any underwear.
You wouldn't betray me, would you, Little Wooden Boy?
The meaning of life is pain. Gentlemen, I'm about to give your life meaning.
Eating kittens is just plain... plain wrong! And nobody should do it! EVER!
I believe in peace, bitch.
I see your point, but can't imagine where you could find a hat that would cover it.
Always eat your greens. That way, you can save the cool crayons for later.
Be all that you could have been! Join the Time Commandos!
It is rare that I tell fortunes. But Tyburn tree haunts your dreams, Master Hawksthorne, and it will continue to do so until you are hung there in chains, without benefit of clergy. And your death shall come as a relief to you. For every night, from now until then, you will dance on air with a hempen rope around your neck, and the jeers and catcalls of all those you have ever cared for ringing in your ears.
Confusion is the antecedent to discovery.
And remember, if you can't be an athlete, be an athletic supporter.
Today on Cthulhu and Friends, Cthulhu teaches us the importance of caring, sharing, and ritual sacrifice.
They'll clone you when you're growing in the womb; they'll clone you when you're rotting in your tomb. But no need to feel so alone; everybody must get cloned!
Beautiful maiden, when a man is in love, is jealous, and has been flogged by the Inquisition, he becomes lost to all reflection.
The Sacred Chao was trying to climb a tree. "Why are you climbing that tree?" said the Eagle with the arrow in its talons. "I want to eat some apples," the Sacred Chao replied. "Stupid Chao," said the eagle, "this is a cherry tree! There are no apples here to eat!" At that moment, Adam Weishaupt stepped out, proclaimed, "I cannot tell a lie," and began to chop away at the tree, while the Sacred Chao sat in its branches, eating the golden apples it had brought with it.
Which is worse, ignorance or apathy? Who knows? Who cares?
If I stood up in front of a million people and told them that your hubby was melting people down into lubrication for your 50 foot high gastropod identifier, would you be angry with me?
Silly Cthulhu, tricks are for kids! Hey! Ow! Stop that! Help! Mgmhhph...
Of course it's a stupid idea. Some of our best plans started with stupid ideas.
I don't think it's fair, I just think it's funny.
Childhood ends the moment you realize that you're going to die.
They say that verbal pain is often worse than physical pain. They are wrong, as you are about to find out when I stick this toasting fork in your head.
I could quit incense anytime I wanted! I'M NOT ADDICTED!
Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.
In the morning I will be sober, but you will still be ugly.
He wants to be the bride at every funeral, and the corpse at every wedding.
My inner child is a juvenile delinquent.
Woman who lie on many bedspring, have many offspring.
Come on, if yuh think yer 'ard enough!
Do you ever find yourself singing 'Singing in the Rain' in the rain?
If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time for no good reason.
To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kinda scary. I've wondered where this started, and I think it goes back to the time when a clown killed my dad.
In weightlifting, I don't think sudden, uncontrolled urination should automatically disqualify you.
Jean-Paul Sartre said hell was an eternity in a room with your friends -- but then, all Sartre's mates were French.
I am not a crook.
Boring, Sidney! Boring, boring, boring!
The unexamined life is not worth living.
More feeble-minded utopianism? I had thought better of you. I have no desire to live in anyone's perfect world but my own.
I am not paranoid. People are conspiring against me to convince me that I am.
True genius is actually 1% inspiration, 2% perspiration, and 97% bullshit.
Save the planet. Kill yourself.
How many boards would the Mongols hoard if the Mongol hordes got bored?
The voice in the wall says it's in my head
Love is not wishing. Love is work.
Some may question my right to kill ten billion people. Those who understand know that I have no right to let them live.
If wishes were fishes, we'd all be casting nets.
Omni Padhni Disney Iceman Acme Leary Marx Illuminatus Christus Clarke
Resistance is futile if less than one ohm.
I bet on a horse at ten to one. It didn't come in 'til half past five.
The only unnatural sex act is that which you cannot perform.
Deck the halls with parts of Charlie, fa la la la la la la la la la.
Nuke a gay whale for Jesus!
I may not be a good liar, but I am damn confusing.
She was like a library book: all reserved until he checked her out.
Anything worth doing is worth overdoing.
Frontal lobotomies are not to be performed without the written consent of the patient.
There are three schools of magic. One: state a tautology, then ring the changes on its corollaries; that's philosophy. Two: record many facts. Try to find a pattern. Then make a wrong guess as the next fact; that's science. Three: be aware that you live in a malevolent universe controlled by Murphy's Law, sometimes offset by Brewster's Factor; that's engineering.
If you think the problem's bad now, just wait until we've solved it.
Drink Canada Dry! You may not succeed, but it's sure fun trying.
The USA is so enormous, and so numerous are its schools, colleges, and religious seminaries, many devoted to special religious beliefs ranging from the unorthodox to the dotty, that we can hardly wonder at its yielding a more bounteous harvest of gobbledigook than the rest of the world put together.
Don't believe everything you hear or anything you say.
When confronted by a difficult problem, you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger have handled this?"
So, there I was, tied down to her bed. She walks in with a saddle and a pair of jumper cables...
Live fast, die young, leave a heavily modified corpse.
Cogito ergot sum.
Hey, could you smoke these joints for me? I need to go kill God...
There are many things known, and many things unknown, and in between are the Doors.
With the fire from the fireworks up above me, with a gun for a lover and a shot for the pain inside, you run for cover in the Temple of Love, you run for another -- but still the same, for the wind will blow and throw your walls aside
There's a lighthouse in the middle of Russia, a white house in Red Square... I'm living in films for the sake of Russia, a kino runner for the DDR
The first are last, the blessed get wired; the best is yet to come... I put my finger on and fired heat-seeking into the sun. You can set the controls for the heart or the knees, and the meek'll inherit what they damn well please; get ahead, go figure, go ahead and pull the trigger: everything under the gun.
She needs you like she needs her pills, to tell her that the world's okay
We dream of rain and the history of the gun.
Kill the king when love is the law -- and the wheel turn 'round
So you thought you might like to go to the show...
Life is much shorter than death.
When you're trying to decide whether to play it safe or go for the gusto, ask yourself this simple question: "How long am I going to be dead?"
We must hang together, or assuredly we shall all hang separately.
In the beginning, the universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and is widely regarded as a bad move.
Welcome to reality. In case of an emergency, your seat cushion will act as a floatation device.
Joke 'em if they can't take a fuck.
Gnarlytoehep, the Surfer With a Thousand Toes... DUDE!
On the plains of hesitation bleach the bones of countless millions who, at the dawn of victory, sat down to wait, and waiting died.
Tut, tut, little man. There will none of that kind of talk in _my_ convent!
Blood and souls for Arioch!
You down with LDD? Hey, you know me!
I see that your fnord is as big as mine. Now let's see how you handle it.
I think so, Brain, but you know burlap chafes me so.
I wake up in a brainsick room, scratching lizards from my head... dying for I've picked dark flowers, dying for I've picked dark flowers...
America is just like a melting pot: the people on the bottom get burned and scum rises to the top.
Mean people suck.
There are a lot of people who practice independent Satanic rituals.
There are just some, uh, eccentric housewives trying to imagine the devil under every bed.
Finite players play within boundaries; infinite players play with boundaries.
How much aard could an aardvark vark if an aardvark could vark aard?
This is not my beautiful wife! This is not my beautiful house! How did I get here?
"Do what thou wilt" shall be the whole of the law.
Love is the law, love under will.
Bivalves: nature's snack food.
To err is human; to moo is bovine.
The Order is more than just a way to make money and get laid.
Don't take life too seriously; you'll never get out of it alive.
No, I'm Canadian, actually. It's like an American without a gun.
Fighting for peace is like fucking for virginity.
The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has its limits.
The Empire never ended.
Money can't buy happiness, but it can buy enough guns to make sure nobody else can have any either.
And this is what the devil does...
You know darn well they're just manipulating you, that's all that they're doing.
Somebody's lying and it's not me -- they're twisting my words!
If I don't get neutral soon I'll be a crocodile forever!
And I saw the woman drunken with the blood of the saints, and with the blood of the martyrs of Jesus: and when I saw her, I wondered with great admiration.
The law in its majesty equally forbids rich and poor alike from stealing bread and sleeping under bridges.
Dog fucked the Pope, no fault of mine!
Give a monkey a brain and he'll swear he's the center of the universe.
A man's a man all his life; a woman's sexy until she's your wife!
It feels great to wake up and not know what day it is, doesn't it?
Time's fun when you're having flies.
Atheists are people with no invisible means of support.
Don't knock my smock or I'll clean your clock!
ALL FANATICS MUST DIE!
If you can read this, you're in range.
And yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for I am the baddest sonovabitch in the valley.
It is the soldier who salutes the flag, who serves under the flag and whose coffin is draped by the flag that allows the protestor to burn the flag.
I've got an overload of bottomless thought right here in my left fist.
A good plan, with only two minor flaws... 1) We don't have any rocket pants and 2) Rocket pants don't exist outside of the fictional comic "Robbie Rocket Pants"
Hey, I have an idea! Let's all go spray paint some cars in Singapore!
Life size models of Cthulhu, on sale now!
It can't rain all the time.
For those of you without hope, we have rooms with color TV, cable and air conditioning.
You want to buy a magical chia pet?
I'm not wearing any underwear
Time is a plaything for children and fools.
I only kill to know I'm alive.
Pain looks good on other people; that's what they're for.
Love's as good as soma!
My whole life is a darkroom, one... big... dark... room.
SnaKES! snakES... SnakeS... SnAKes!
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
Good, bad, *I'm* the guy with the gun!
Try enjoying yourself. Everyone else has.
Do I *amuse* you? Am I a *clown* to you?
Tongue-tied and twisted, just an earthbound misfit, I.
Penguin lust!
Of course I still love you. Now stop whining and let me shoot you.
Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.
I didn't claw my way to the top of the food chain to eat vegetables!
Do it, or you'll be fishing yak cheese from your nostrils!
I've always maintained that one should never tangle with anything that has more teeth than the Osmond family.
Time is an illusion. Lunchtime doubly so.
In the not too distant future, next Sunday A.D....
Five is a demon.
I once waxed the floors of a nursing home, pulled off all the rubber feet on the walkers, and yelled "FIRE!"
We don't take no shit from a machine.
MITCHELL! Even his name says, "Uh, is that a beer?"
Fred and Daphne were swingers. It's true! Look at the scarves they wore!
Did you exchange... a walk-on part in the war... for a lead role in a cage?
Time is a spiral, space is a curve, I know you get dizzy but try not to lose your nerve
Secret to long life and prosperity: Don't spin too fast.
It's not that life is too short, it's that death is too long.
As the Euclideans would have it, irrationality is the square root of all evil.
Nice computers don't go down...
All men have the right to dig their own graves, and I have the right to sell them the shovels.
Evolution doesn't take prisoners.
Anarchy -- it's not the law, it's just a good idea.
We are sorry, you have reached an imaginary number. Please rotate your phone ninety degrees and try again.
The Bible contains six admonishments to homosexuals and three hundred sixty-two admonishments to heterosexuals. That doesn't mean that God doesn't love heterosexuals. It's just that they need more supervision.
After all, we only go around once. There's really no time to be afraid.
When I die, I want to go peacefully in my sleep like my father did, not screaming in terror like his passengers.
Sum id quod sum et id totum est quod sum.
Never judge a man till you have walked a mile in his shoes, 'cuz by then, he's a mile away, you've got his shoes, and you can say whatever the hell you want to.
Beware of all clothes that require new enterprises.
What rolls down T3s, boosts connect fees, and makes your throughput drag? Makes it tough to hack, won't get off your back, it's lag lag lag!
A snarl, a sneer, a whip that stings; these are a few of my favorite things.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but whips and chains excite me.
A sucking chest wound is just nature's way of telling you to slow down.
Damn the torpedoes.
Mashed potatoes can be your friend.
'Twas Brillig, and the slithey toves did gyre and gimble in the wabe; all mimsy were the borogoves, and the mome raths outgrabe.
If infinite rednecks fired infinite shotguns at an infinite number of road signs, they'd eventually create all the great literary works of the world in braille.
Take the skin and peel it back... now doesn't it make you feel better?
If you have to ask, you're not allowed to know.
Nothing quite like the feel of something new...
The Delta-United Ring Formation Theory states that the rings of Saturn are composed entirely of lost airline luggage.
When the naive man admits his naivete, he is no longer naive. Thus, all people are regarded by society as either ignorant or a liar.
I'm not wearing any underwear.
You're so hardcore, you're punk rock.
I need someone real bad. Are you real bad?
A good man has few enemies. A ruthless man has none.
The rain, it raineth on the Just and the Unjust fella. But chiefly on the Just because the Unjust steals the Just's umbrella.
I call her Attila, 'cuz she's my Hun...
You mean you need drugs to hallucinate?
All suspects are innocent until proven Discordian in a Court of Chaos.
Quis custodiet ipsos custodes?
You know, that's a pretty daring move for a weatherman.
Euan! Euan! Eu-oi-oi-oi!
Our god's the FUN god! Our god's the SUN god! Ra! Ra! Ra!
We are what we pretend to be, so we must be careful what we pretend to be.
"How many tentacles has Great Cthulhu got?" "Too many."
We are all Children of Cthulhu -- especially the ones with lots of tentacles.
There are three magical words that make everyone feel happy... 'no compilation errors'.
Klein bottle for sale. Inquire within.
"I only live about ten percent in this reality." "So where's your summer cottage?"
Proletarian revolutions are notably ineffective when the ruling class is composed of gods.
Abortion kills, but so does McDonalds.
Kill two birds with one stone. Feed the homeless to the hungry.
Never trust a cop with a rubber glove.
This is the most amazing loaf of bread I've ever owned.
All Wood? Oh! AL Wood. I didn't see the missing "L" at first.
Only the lavender prairie dogs know the key to unlock the secret of the tumble-weeds.
"So, we're doing some restructuring and looking into changes to our pay progression. How is the progression at your firm set up?" "Generally speaking, the people at the top tend to make more than the people lower down."
For every new foolproof invention there is a new and improved fool.
How many times do I have to tell you that drilling holes in your head will not relieve stress?
Big donkeys, small donkeys, all good to eat.
The other day upon the stair, I saw a man who wasn't there. He wasn't there again today; I think he's from the CIA.
In empty spaces I twist and talk, and come down with the roar of thunder
Oh, my God! ARTHUR, I HAVE POCKETS!
If you were everyone but one person i would listen to everyone else.
If I were you I'd dance naked in the middle of the street just to embarrass you.
Like many of the finer things in life, sex often comes with a side of fries.
pulled out a pair of pliers and pulled a bullet out of my chest
And the Lord spake unto Elvis, "Thou hast spoken against me Elvis, and I curse thee to have thy blue suede shoes trod upon for all time..."
Smile or I'll kill you.
Take thee this thing covered with that stuff and give it unto that guy, that he may do things with it.
Guns don't kill people, I do.
Hold on to freedom as long as you can, 'cause the girl in your cell might think she's a man
The charms of a woman are directly related to the speed of her passing.
May the road rise up and fall on you.
Life is sometimes like a pizza round: hot, greasy, and delivered by a guy named 'Tony'.
Oh, fuck! You did it just like I told you to!
Happiness comes in packages marked 'Batteries Not Included'.
Shoes for industry!
How can you be in two places at once when you're not anywhere at all?
Life is the stuff that happens to you while you're making other plans.
Time is a great teacher, but it kills all its pupils.
A nudist is just a person in a one-button suit.
The only real problem in life is what to do next.
Coitus ergo sum.
You know it's a bad morning when you get up out of bed and miss the floor.
Any given program, when running, needs debugging. Any debugged program is obsolete.
Save the whales! Collect the whole set!
The most useful tool for dealing with management types is, of course, an automatic weapon.
Cthulhu saves our souls and redeems them for valuable coupons later.
Ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wagn'nagl fhtagn!
Spam was, Spam is and Spam shall be. After summer is winter, and after winter, summer. It ruled once where Man rules now; where Man rules now, it shall rule again. As a foulness shall ye know it.
Cthulhu for President -- for when you're tired of choosing the _lesser_ of the two evils.
I'm a Fun Guy from Yuggoth.
It's an Elder Thing -- you wouldn't understand.
When Cthulhu calls, he calls collect.
Who loathes you, and who do you love? CTHULHU!
Fight crime. Shoot back.
Join the Cthulhu Corps; it's not just a job, it's a higher position under an elder god.
If Cthulhu calls... let the machine pick it up.
Think "HONK" if you're a telepath!
Nietzsche thought he was the Antichrist or Dionysus, but that was after the syphilis crossed the blood-brain barrier.
Do not call up that which you cannot put on hold.
Yesterday a postal worker asked me what type of handgun he should buy.
Okay, something here's really fucked up.
Tyger, tyger, burning bright, in the forests of the night; what immortal hand or eye could frame thy fearful symmetry?
I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain.
It is by caffeine alone that I set my mind in motion. It is by the Coca-Cola that the thoughts acquire speed, the lips acquire stains, the stains become a warning. It is by caffeine alone that I set my mind in motion.
Que sera, serotonin.
You wouldn't be so smug if you really knew what was going on.
Death without pain is like a sundae without sprinkles.
She's a virgin child with deviant dreams.
You don't have a disease. You just live in New Jersey.
Jake liked his women how he liked his kiwi fruit; firm yet yielding, sweet yet tart, and covered with short fuzzy brown hair.
The next person to pass us will die within a fortnight.
Hey, that's just the way the cookie gets completely stomped on and obliterated.
"But we'll never survive!" "Nonsense. You're only saying that because no one ever has."
Get up Dog Boy! Show them where you come from, show them where you're going!
Could I interest you in a pet rock?
Are we there yet, Papa Smurf?
If at first you don't succeed, try following the instructions.
Et sic patet quod totus mundus est sicut unum speculum plenum luminibus praesentantibus divinam sapientam, et sicut carbo effundens lucem.
His philosophy was a mixture of three famous schools -- the Cynics, the Stoics and the Epicureans -- and summed up all three of them in his famous phrase, "You can't trust any bugger further than you can throw him, and there's nothing you can do about it, so let's have a drink."
I used to be self-actualized, now I'm just confused.
I dance around and sing a song and know that I can do no wrong.
Never attempt to distract a masturbating gorilla.
Never sign a contract including any of the phrases "sort of", "kind of", or "and stuff".
Do it for the Widow's Son.
I am sooo DE-VO! How long can this go on?!
Time Warner: bringing you the finest in cradle-to-grave thought management.
She has a really opulent body; just ripe for dissecting.
The president's weird. He's got a burgundy beard. It's a ripoff.
He who marries the Spirit of his Age, soon becomes a widower.
Tiger Tim the Tightrope Walker, tried to steal the drag queen's daughter.
Which caused little rhythmic darts of red to pulsate gently in the morning sun.
A live body and a dead body contain the same number of particles. Structurally, there's no discernible difference. Life and death are unquantifiable abstracts. Why should I be concerned?
Horniness is a quintessential example of hope.
Freedom is just a hallucination created by a pathological lack of paranoia.
Sir, you have tasted two whole worms; you have hissed all my mystery lectures and been caught fighting a liar in the quad; you will leave Oxford by the next town drain.
Well, Katrina likes it.
Boxing is a lot like ballet, except that they don't dance, there isn't any music, and they hit each other.
The optimist thinks this is the best of all possible worlds. The pessimist is afraid that it is.
One for sorrow, two for joy. Three for a girl, four for a boy. Five for silver, six for gold. And seven for a secret never to be told.
The concept is simply staggering. Pointless, but staggering.
Why ask why, just shut up and die
For some reason the concept of sacrificing accuracy to increase efficiency seems inherently wrong.
Beyond good and evil lies North Dakota.
Hail / Praise / Ia / Fuck / Grep / Eat Eris / "Bob" / Cthulhu / The Conspiracy / Kibo / Spam
Bad things come to those who wait too.
Is it just me or are all uncles either really cool, or child molestors?
Homosexuality is the best all around cover an agent ever had.
The quickest way to a man's heart is through his ribcage.
They are a puckish band of rapscallions
He doesn't like me. HE NEVER LIKED ME!
Acting without thinking can be awfully entertaining.
A little madness now and then is relished by the wisest men.
Our cause is a secret within a secret, a secret that only another secret can explain; it is a secret about a secret veiled by a secret.
Do you ever feel like putting your fist through a window just so you can feel something?
If it weren't for lawyers, I think we could have invented a universal symbolic representation of reality.
When you have had all that you can take, put the rest back.
I think you had better start lining your hat with tinfoil.
There are two major products that come out of Berkeley; LSD and BSD Unix. We don't believe this to be a coincidence.
I don't believe in reason, objective reality or collective farming.
Wouldn't it be wonderful if everyone renounced violence forever? I could then conquer the whole stupid planet with just a butter knife.
Truly great madness cannot be achieved without significant intelligence.
Portions of the preceding were recorded. As for the rest of it, I'm very much afraid it was all in your mind.
Do not taunt the Happy Fun Ball. If Happy Fun Ball starts to smoke, run away and take cover.
A much-discussed alternative to homogeneous big-bang nucleosynthesis has been the first-order quark-hadron phase-transition-inspired inhomogeneous model.
These are the pale deaths which men miscall their lives; for all the scents of green things growing, each breath is but an exhalation of the grave. Bodies jerk like puppet corpses, and hell walks laughing --
I am always right. Except when I'm left, or bluffing.
Okay, everybody in this room who's telekinetic, raise my hand.
The two most common things in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.
When the going gets weird, the weird turn pro.
We should build an Intel processor out of penguins.
SPOON!
You lookin' at me? You lookin' at me?!
Corruption empowers; absolute corruption empowers absolutely.
Life is ours. We live it our way.
Trust I seek and I find in you, everyday to eat something new.
Anybody got any itch cream?
RAAAIIID!!!???
Hey, you've got a third eye! Uh, never mind... it's just a spot of dirt in the middle of your forehead.
Greetings, lowly clerk. I seek your PEZ!
No, just the nipple-cones, officer, just the nipple-cones.
TWISTER FOR MONEY, TWISTER FOR BLOOD!
Okay, you guys having sex here, let's see some skill rolls!
Hold! Cease thy stultiloquy! Oh, not daggers or swords or all the spears in the world stung me greater than this rubbish you throw to the heavens!
Hey, wow man, they've got codes for mazurkas!
I'm sorry, I become inaudible when I am shy.
Oh dear, I've gone and inflated my ego.
Hey, go buy a plane ticket to another state of mind, okay?
Futility is futile.
You will find that the State is the kind of organization which, while it does big things badly, does small things badly too.
If I let you go, do you think you could fly?
Frogs are my favorite vegetable.
It's always easier to just fall than to try to climb.
My favorite food is squirrel, but I want to fight with glory.
Make it so!
This is where I get off...
So long, and thanks for all the fish.
Vee off ze KGB are not zo slow ez you tink, komrade.
Until, one by one... HE DESTROYED THEM ALL!
Was it worth it?
Ia!
I am living in denial.
I just like to say quark, quark, quark, quark, quark, quark...
Death is just the ultimate expression of radical solipsism.
If it looks like a duck, acts like a duck, and quacks like a duck it is probably just a tool of the conspiracy.
There's nothing wrong with you a shotgun blast to the face couldn't fix.
You see, without that little doohicky, the universe stops.
Bela Lugosi's dead. How about you?
Never go up against a Sicilian when death's on the line!
In-con-CEIvable!
You laugh just like the angles dancing on the head of the pin jabbed into my mind's eye.
Humans sure have a strange way of dying.
I find that the Law of Fives is more and more evident the harder I look for it.
Welcome to the Federal Bureau for Reducing Bureaucracy!
Did you know that lithium builds up in the fatty tissues of the body?
For such a cute kid, you sure turned out ugly.
That which is not forbidden is mandatory.
I never remember a face, but I always forget a name.
I'm fond of children -- except for boys.
Prudence is a rich, ugly old maid courted by incapacity.
Drive your cart and plow over the bones of the dead.
If you want to be a Raelet, you gotta let Ray.
History: an account mostly false, of events mostly unimportant, brought about by rulers mostly knaves and soldiers mostly fools.
It is not enough merely to succeed: one's friends must also fail.
Love as it exists in society is merely the mingling of two fantasies and the contact of two skins.
Okay, everyone out of the gene pool!
Be my brother or I'll kill you.
To be happy living in this world, there are sides of the soul one must entirely paralyze.
The rarity of genuine feeling in human society sometimes makes me stop in the street to watch a dog gnawing a bone.
The Californians are an idle thriftless people, and can make nothing for themselves.
Another damned, thick, square book! Always scribble, scribble, scribble! Eh, Mr. Gibbon?
Whenever I hear the word "culture", it makes me want to reach for my revolver.
You'll be the first ones up against the wall when the revolution comes.
Fnord is the second spoon in your Whizz Fizz.
Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar.
Cogito cogito ergo cogito sum: I think I think, therefore I think I am.
A woman is only a woman, but a good cigar is a smoke.
The denizens of this sizzling-hot, freezing-cold, rocky, rotten island were monsters -- huge or miserably stunted, fat or scraggly, dry or slimy, with scales, warts, pimples, tentacles, talons, fangs, extra arms, eyes, legs, tails, and even heads, all in ridiculous arrangements.
It's not for you or I, Carruthers; nor for the regiment: it's for the Empire.
You grok?
It would have worked, too, if it hadn't been for those metalhead kids and their fucking dog!
The Hierophant is Disguised and Confused.
Sin that pays its way can travel freely, and without a passport; whereas virtue, if a pauper, is stopped at all frontiers.
All biography is ultimately fiction.
JUMPIN' JESUS ON A POGO STICK!
Del Mar: Where poverty is neither a philosophy nor a way of life.
It is not down on any map; true places never are.
It would be absurd to leave the Suez Canal and the Panama Canal to the unfettered control of the populations through whose territory they pass.
I've given up the search for reality; now I'm just looking for a good fantasy.
What do you want me to do, learn to stutter?
Impressive; but how big's your dick?
Driving makes you stupid; the more you drive, the stupider you get.
Liberals don't believe they deserve anything they own; conservatives think they're entitled to everything they've stolen.
When we talk about property, state, masters, government, laws, courts, and police, we say only that we don't want any of them.
Pay careful attention to the Tao-Jones Average.
This is precisely the sort of thing that people who like this sort of thing will like.
I intend to live forever or die trying.
Despite the high cost of living, it remains a popular item.
Initiative comes to those who wait.
Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.
If you can't see the fnords, they can't eat you.
I'm not dead yet!
Give me a place to stand and I will move the earth.
The Earth Will Shake.
My reality check bounced.
Eureka!
Help! There's a cow in my esophagus!
Dying can be hazardous to your health.
Because it's there.
Deceive boys with toys, but men with oaths.
No matter where you are, there you go? Wait a second.
Percepi et esse.
Computers, like cats, can operate crossdimensionally; the trick is in getting them to do what you want.
Foolish little minds are consistent among hobgoblins.
The moral of the story is: Kill the parents kill the children.
Thou shalt not misspell thine neurotransmitters.
Remember, we have to get the baby out of the oven today.
That be some righteous dub mon.
We find the defendant innocent by reason of being generally clueless.
Surrealism aims at the total transformation of the mind and all that resembles it.
You, you, you shouldn't, you shouldn't traumatize women with sexual intercourse. I should know, I'm a medieval doctor, I own a mansion and a yacht.
I never met a repo man who didn't do speed.
People who emit Cherenkov radiation make me nervous.
Jesus loves you. Everyone else thinks you're an asshole.
Win a live rat for your mother-in-law!
We intend to destroy all dogmatic verbal systems.
He buy me a soda... he buy me a soda and tried to molest me in the parking lot, yep yep yep yep
One should not act and speak as if one were asleep.
You're twisted, depraved, and rotten to the core... I like that in a person.
I'll get all of you someday. I'll wipe out your whole family.
WARNING: The vomitous nature of certain sequences may be emotionally hazardous for the squeamish or those with weak hearts.
Hard drugs made me a better person.
I'm just a revved up youth on a thrill-kill rampage.
Half the trick is knowing the CyberPunks from the CyberPinks.
JOEY! JOEY! JOEY THE LEMUR!
My powers are beyond your understanding!
I'll heal your wounds, I'll set you free; I'm Jesus Christ on ecstasy
Anything I do is purely coincidental.
A few thousand rads never hurt anybody.
Humans: Bet you can't eat just one.
Sarcasm helps you avoid telling people what you really think of them.
Thank you for shopping at S-Mart.
I am the Electric Messiah; the AC/DC god.
The more people I meet, the more I love my battleaxe.
Ashes to ashes, dust to dust, if you don't take it out and use it it's going to rust.
Power corrupts. Absolute power is kinda neat.
This statement is false.
Few things work up an appetite like good, wholesome, sadomasochistic sex.
Those who play with the Stone get screwed by the Stone.
I'm a solipsist, I don't see why other people aren't that way...
Hail Eris!
Hail Bob!
Hail Stones!
All Hail Discordia.
Xyzzy doesn't mean shit.
You know what I always say...
Life is like pudding; soft and squishy.
Change your mind, it's starting to smell.
My biology I know. You I worry about.
You cannot lie to me. I know everything.
Your weakness is money in their bank.
Of course it belongs to me, I'm a communist.
The mutant alien skull man has a smile for all smiles, an answer for all answers.
I wouldn't know how to act if I weren't in trouble.
During the Asparagus Season, members are requested not to relieve themselves in the hatstand.
Green potatoes and green potato chips are to be distinguished from brown potato chips, which are another matter entirely.
When life gives you a lemon, say 'Lemons? I like lemons. What else have you got?'
Most people do not know how to behave in a massacre.
The three greatest men who ever lived were Eleanor Roosevelt.
Just as Schopenhauer predicted, absolutely nothing is happening.
Cannibalism is a small price to pay for popularity.
Reverend!
I salivate at the sight of mittens.
My father was a good woman.
Guns don't kill people. Bullets do.
Occam was never the target of a conspiracy.
Being good at being stupid doesn't count.
From the halls of Montezuma to the shores of Tripoli, we are all tools of the Conspiracy...
La-la la-la-la-la la-la-la-la-la!
Um. No. It's not mayonnaise.
Ooooooeee! They sure serve up them four-year-olds good, don't they?
DON'T call me dude, dude.
I am GOD here!
I like you, Sali. That's why I'm going to kill you last.
No matter what you do to guard against it, you WILL get wet.
Make your own mistakes, not somebody else's.
Overall, there was a smell of fried onions.
Some girls are bigger than others.
I hate prejudiced people.
Bite me, it's fun.
You know what, Stuart? I like you. You're not like the other people, here, in the trailer park.
I am Zorkon, this is my brother Zenon, and this is my other brother Zenon.
Ban Censorship!
It's called EVIL, kid.
I'm not as think as you stoned I am.
Everybody looks brave holding a machine gun.
I don't have a drinking problem... I drink, I get drunk, I fall down. No problem.
To err is human; to forgive is not company policy.
Censorship? We don't have any censorship here. If we did, I couldn't say ---- or ------ ------!
Yield to oncoming traffic.
Your mother wears combat boots. But I like combat boots.
I started to correct my mistakes, but realized what I was doing in time.
Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.
Do not remove tag under penalty of law.
The problem with troubleshooting is that real trouble shoots back.
Quantum Express: When you absolutely, positively, don't know where it's going or when it needs to be there.
If you are what you eat, I could be you by morning.
Anything not nailed down is mine. Anything I can pry loose is not nailed down.
Welcome to Borger King. Your way will be assimilated.
That which does not kill me had better run pretty damn fast.
FIVE TONS OF FLAX!
When in doubt, fuck it. When not in doubt... get in doubt!
First I must sprinkle you with fairy dust...
We're not doing scientific research, we're killing people.
Nil illegitimo carborundum.
I must have a prodigious quantity of mind; it takes me as long as a week sometimes to make it up.
Momomoto, Famous Japanese, can swallow his nose.
Fnord.
Fnord?
Fnord!
It was such a lovely day I thought it a pity to get up.
I may have my faults, but being wrong isn't one of them.
It is my firm belief that it is a mistake to hold firm beliefs.
For further information, consult your pineal gland.
Lions: 5, Christians: 0.
Today is an excellent day to become a missing person.
Heute die Welt, Morgens das Sonnensystem!
I hear music!
I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
Dating processes are dependent on the analysis of rocks.
Common sense is what tells you that the world is flat.
Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defense.
Semper Non Sequitur!
This statement is false.
Sinister Dexter has a broken spirometer.
Mankind has been on a bad trip for a long time now.
Monday is an awful way to spend one-seventh of your life.
Bullshit makes the flowers grow and that's beautiful.
Convictions cause convicts.
Everything is true -- everything is permissible!
Nothing is true. Everything is permitted.
Believe nothing, dare all.
Sometimes I become spell-bound in the middle of Wal-Mart.
My inner child can beat up your inner child.
Hellllllooooooooo, Nurse!
On Earth there is no reckoning.
Study demonology with an enemy this Sunday.
Ewige Blumenkraft!
Fliegende Kinderscheisse!
If you don't care where you are, then you ain't lost.
Yo! Ewige Blumenkraft, Dude!
G'day! Ewige Blumenkraft, Mate!
If vegetarians eat vegetables, I guess that makes me a humanitarian.
No matter how good it is, there's always better.
No matter how bad it is, there's always worse.
Stop searching forever. Happiness is just next to you.
Stop searching forever. Happiness is unattainable.
_The Big U_ and _Snow Crash_ both center around cerebral bicamerality... but is that because Neal Stephenson has a Jaynes addiction?
It is better to have loved and lost than to have just lost.
Strike any user to continue.
Any technology distinguishable from magic is insufficiently advanced.
CChheecckk yyoouurr dduupplleexx sswwiittcchh..
LSD melts in your mind, not in your hands.
Earn cash in your spare time, blackmail your friends.
reality.sys corrupted. universe halted. reboot (y/n)?
Question reality.
The Jetdillo Project: 2000 pounds of steel, 20,000 pounds of thrust. One pair of very dark shades. The world's first fully cybernetic, SSTO-capable armadillo. Coming soon from Armadillo Labs. The Dasypian Future begins tomorrow...
Weather's here, wish you were beautiful.
A lack of leadership is no substitute for inaction.
Vegetables are murder.
I wouldn't recommend sex, drugs and insanity for everyone, but they've always worked for me.
A conservative is a liberal who has been mugged.
A liberal is a conservative who has been arrested.
Do you ever get feelings of Deja Vu?
Do you ever get feelings of Deja Vu?
Der Gedanke an den Selbstmord ist ein starkes Trostmittel.
It's not that they die, but that they die like sheep.
The first step to a person's heart is to confuse the fuck out of 'em.
"Here's what I know," said the physicist. "If we lived in a microscopic world, trucks would crash into walls, fly apart and then reassemble perfectly on the other side of the wall. This has been proven."
A little rudeness and disrespect can elevate a meaningless interaction to a battle of wills and add drama to an otherwise dull day.
Do what keepeth thou from wilting shall be the law of the Hole.
Sarcasm is a sign of genius.
Ack!!
A small mind is a tidy mind.
Don't force it, use a bigger hammer.
The only way to amuse some people is to slip and fall on an icy pavement.
Due to circumstances within our control, tomorrow will be cancelled.
Say what you mean and say it mean...
The only good Smurf is a dead Smurf.
You live and learn. Or you don't live long.
We learn from history that we do not learn anything from history.
We don't hate vegetarians, we just think they're funny.
If you think before you speak the other guy gets his joke in first.
A hundred thousand lemmings can't be wrong.
If you only want to go 500 miles, can you begin with a halfstep?
Don't believe in the Uzi, it just went off in my hand.
Roses are red, she said, and violents are blue
Time is but the stream I go a-fishing in.
If opportunity knocks, go to bed with your pants on.
Dare to be stupid.
I seem to be having tremendous difficulty with my lifestyle.
Time is an illusion perpetrated by the manufacturers of space.
He who lives without folly is less wise than he believes.
Being generous is inborn; being altruistic is a learned perversity.
If you do that you have a chance of dying
Never give an inch!
People will buy anything that's one to a customer.
Some men are discovered; others are found out.
He who hates vices hates mankind.
Mind your own business, Spock. I'm sick of your half-breed interference.
They just buzzed and buzzed.....buzzed.
If at first you don't succeed, quit; don't be a nut about success.
Fish heads, fish heads, roly-poly fish heads
Death is an illusion. Life is a hallucination. Taxes are objective reality.
The wise shepherd never trusts his flock to a smiling wolf.
Yield to temptation; it may not pass your way again.
For him to get a clue would require heroic implant surgery.
Of course it's the murder weapon. Who would frame someone with a fake?
You can't be late until you show up.
Men are more sentimental than women. It blurs their thinking.
Man who falls in blast furnace is certain to feel overwrought.
Colorless green ideas sleep furiously.
There is no heavier burden than a great potential.
Try the Moo Shu Pork. It is especially good today.
There ain't no justice
Admiration: Our polite recognition of another's resemblance to ourselves.
I wish you humans would leave me alone.
The door is the key.
Troubles are like babies; they only grow by nursing.
Far duller than a serpent's tooth it is to spend a quiet youth.
All in all it's just another brick in the wall...
In marriage, as in war, it is permitted to take every advantage of the enemy.
Change your thoughts and you change your world.
Freedom begins when you tell Mrs. Grundy to go fly a kite.
Real punk rockers don't smile.
Anybody can win, unless there happens to be a second entry.
Question Authority -- and the authorities will question you.
A poet who reads his verse in public may have other nasty habits.
Maximum capacity eight persons.
You have been selected for a secret mission.
You took my breath away and now I want it back.
Always store beer in a dark place.
Why is the cheese moving?
Ave, Imperator, morituri te salutant...
My, don't we all look _smashing_ in red.
There is no time like the pleasant.
And I alone am returned to wag the tail.
Above all things, revere yourself.
Please go away.
Dead puppies aren't much fun.
That must be wonderful! I don't understand it at all.
Actors will happen in the best-regulated families.
'Tis an ill wind that blows no minds.
Any priest or shaman must be presumed guilty until proved innocent.
Excuse me, what did you say? Oh, I thought you said "Whop".
The hipbone's connected to the... jawbone?
He who has a shady past knows that nice guys finish last.
Let's all get together and throw flingbobs
Do not merely believe in miracles, rely on them.
Small change can often be found under seat cushions.
Ad astra per aspera.
Those who can, do; those who can't, simulate.
Megaton Man on patrol!
A motion to adjourn is always in order.
What garlic is to salad, insanity is to art.
I came, I saw, she conquered.
You're a jerk, Dent. A complete kneebiter.
Even the boldest zebra fears the hungry lion.
Let him who takes the Plunge remember to return it by Tuesday.
Profanity: the single language in which all programmers are expert.
Greatness is a transitory experience. It is never consistent.
Express yourself through supreme bovinity.
Oh, Aunty Em, it's so good to be home!
I think we're all Bozos on this bus.
Laugh, and the world ignores you. Crying doesn't help either.
Crazee Eddeee, his prices are INSANE!!!
If this is paradise, I wish I had a lawnmower.
Use only as directed.
See side panel for exciting recipe ideas.
Use no hooks.
This side up.
I haven't lost my mind; it's backed up on tape somewhere.
Frumble! Frumble! Istharcity!
Love is in the offing, said the homicidal maniac.
Love is a many-splintered thing
Oh, squirt.
Oh, I wish I were an Oscar Meyer weiner...
Everything you know is wrong!
Be excellent to each other
Don't speak about Time, until you have spoken to him.
Bored people are boring people.
Animals can be driven crazy by placing too many in too small a pen.
Uh, Josh, you have to do a QC before you say "go away" for it to be a banishing.
Stability itself is nothing else than a more sluggish motion.
I will never lie to you.
What's so funny 'bout Peace, Love, and Understanding?
It is easier to fight for one's principles than to live up to them.
And the first one said to the second one there, "I hope you're having fun."
Second star on the right, and onward 'till dawn
The man who makes no mistakes does not usually make anything.
We're gonna go to the mall and window shoplift...
Today is a good day to bribe a high ranking public official.
It's all in the mind, ya know.
Mmm. I forgot about that.
A good memory does not equal pale ink.
Fine, DON'T have a nice day, see if I care.
All you can eat, shrimp
I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy.
Wow, man... like, totally Hidden Valley Ranch, dude.
A king's castle is his home.
Don't look now, but the man in the moon is laughing at you.
The Eleventh Commandment: Thou shalt not get caught.
The only difference between a rut and a grave is their dimensions.
Sure I believe in peace. Peace through superior firepower.
Dont'cha hate it when that happens?
You now have Asian Flu.
Antibiotics, she said.
Troglodytism does not necessarily imply a low cultural level.
Rub her feet.
But I don't like Spam!!!
Mow Mow Boppa Mow Mow Mow
The plural of spouse is spice.
"I guess the joke's on me," she said
I prefer to think of them as the Ten Suggestions.
I like work; it fascinates me; I can sit and look at it for hours.
Don't panic.
I believe that everyone is entitled to my opinion.
A dirty mind is a terrible thing to waste.
All men are created unequal.
Beware of a tall dark man with a spoon up his nose.
Rose tint my world and keep me safe from the trouble and pain...
Paranoia doesn't mean the whole world really isn't out to get you.
Time is nature's way of making sure that everything doesn't happen at once.
It is the wise bird who builds his nest in a tree.
Confidence: a feeling peculiar to the stage just before full comprehension of the problem.
And so it begins that some things last forever...
Of all forms of caution, caution in love is the most fatal.
There are trivial truths and there are great truths. The opposite of a trivial truth is plainly false. The opposite of a great truth is also true.
Give your child mental blocks for Christmas.
No girdle ever cured a pregnancy.
How untasteful can you get?
I'm sorry, did I assassinate your penguin?
Dying is easy. Comedy is hard.
That's what she said.
Sturgeon's Law: Ninety percent of everything is crud.
All great ideas are controversial, or have been at one time.
As long as the answer is right, who cares if the question is wrong?
No amount of genius can overcome a preoccupation with detail.
I like winter. I like the cold. I like the sound of flowers dying.
In this world, truth can wait; she's used to it.
Everything in excess! To enjoy the flavor of life, take big bites.
Those students who have become one with the universe will be allowed to go on and become two with the universe.
The universe is laughing behind your back.
Let not the sands of time get in your lunch.
Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition!
Every absurdity has a champion to defend it.
A man who turns green has eschewed protein.
One man's theology is another man's belly laugh.
It was a book to kill time for those who liked it better dead.
We could do that, but it would be wrong, that's for sure.
Let a fool hold his tongue and he will pass for a sage.
Eek!
Was uns nicht umbringt macht mir bis 1500 naechsten nachmittag schlafen.
All that glitters has a high refractive index.
Moderation is for monks.
The meek will inherit the earth; the rest of us will go to the stars.
Anybody who cannot comprehend mathematics is not fully human. At best he is a tolerable subhuman who has learned to wash, cook food, and not make messes on the floor.
The world owes all its onward impulses to men ill at ease. The happy man confines himself within ancient limits.
Wonders never cease, as long as you never cease to wonder.
Standing on head makes smile of frown, but rest of face also upside down.
Art is dangerous
The important thing is not to stop questioning.
What happens when you cut back the jungle? It recedes.
Little girls, like butterflies, need no excuse.
O friend and companion of the night, thou who rejoices in the baying of dogs and spilt blood, who wanderest in the midst of shades among the tombs, who longest for blood and bringest terror to mortals, Gorgo, Mormo, thousand-faced moon, look favorably upon our sacrifices!
We come in peace... shoot to kill...
I've seen the future and I leave it all behind
The early worm gets the bird.
Who is W. O. Baker, and why is he saying those terrible things about me?
It is better to die on your feet than to live on your knees.
Mate, this parrot wouldn't VOOM if you put four million volts through it!
An idle mind is worth two in the bush.
Your ignorance cramps my conversation.
Beware of all enterprises that require new clothes.
Everybody ought to have a friend.
If you hit a man over the head with a fish, he'll have a headache for a day. But if you teach a man to hit himself over the head with a fish, he'll have headaches for the rest of his life.
Ignorance can be cured -- but stupid is forever.
The future ain't what it used to be.
Fidelity: A virtue peculiar to those who are about to be betrayed.
Moving parts in rubbing contact require lubrication to avoid excessive wear.
The following statement is not true:
Drawing on my fine command of language, I said nothing.
Flee at once, all is discovered.
Continental Life. Why do you ask?
Early to bed and early to rise makes a man stupid and blind in the eyes.
We all know that no one understands anything that isn't funny.
No matter where you go... there you are.
Honi soit la vache qui rit.
He who laughs, lasts.
A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a Unicorn.
Money is truthful. When a man speaks of honor, make him pay cash.
I know your secret.
Cut the conversation, just open your mouth
How sharper than a hound's tooth it is to have a thankless serpent.
Do not underestimate the power of the Force.
Chill out... everything's under control...
Brain fried -- Core dumped
Beware of a dark-haired man with a loud tie.
Eggs on top, canned goods on the bottom...
Everybody is equal here. It's just some people are more equal than others.
The decision doesn't have to be logical, it was unanimous.
You can never trust a woman; she may be true to you.
Quack!
Blessed are they that run around in circles, for they shall be known as wheels.
Thaaaaaat's niiiiiice.
A foolish consistency is the hobgoblin of little minds.
Always tell her she is beautiful, especially if she is not.
I'm not sure of what I should do -- when every thought I'm thinking of is you
The truth of a proposition has nothing to do with its credibility.
What is worth doing is worth the trouble of asking somebody to do it.
Never underestimate the power of human stupidity.
It's later than you think.
If it's comprehensible, it's obsolete.
Darwin's Law of Carcinogens: Cancer cures smoking.
It's an IBM, it's got an excuse.
A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle.
Well, it looks like blind, screaming hedonism won out.
The world is coming to an end. Please log off.
Flixtipix make flossing the cat fun!
People humiliating a salami!
You're not really drunk if you can lie on the floor without hanging on.
Drive defensively; buy a tank.
The best teddy bears are the live kind.
Everybody needs a little love sometime; stop mudding and fall in love!
Promptness is its own reward, if one lives by the clock instead of the sword.
Spacetime isn't curved, it's positively bent.
Never try to outstubborn a cat.
As goatherd learns his trade by goat, so writer learns his trade by wrote.
Everybody ought to have a maid.
Life is a game of bridge -- and you've just been finessed.
I admit that I am powerless over fish innards.
Grumplicious Grumplicious Grumplicious!!!
Attention all planets of the Solar Federation: We have assumed control.
We don't morally censure you. We just want the money.
Don't have a cow, man.
SLACK: Get it while you can.
My oh my! Life sure is easier with my new Salad Shooter (R) !
I love the absolution of all jocks and preps -- Skate or die!!!
I'm the one from the registry office.
Ah-ah, Mr. Wiiilson. Ah-ah, Mr. Heath.
Hastur Hastur Hastur Hastur Hastur Hastur Hastur Hastur Hast... urrrrrrrk!
Mars needs women.
Ivana used to be Donald's trompe l'oeil.
I'll be back.
Specialization is for insects.
And the less I seek my source for some definitive, closer I am to fine...
Be wary of strong drink. It can make you shoot at tax collectors -- and miss.
Never appeal to a man's "better nature". He may not have one.
He's a trash-culture king on a four-color throne. He looks like this guy you used to know. He's a tragic figure in a paisley shirt.
There's someone in my head, but it's not me
This is my steakhouse.
Watch me as I swing my hips... around.
Tony Orlando and DAWN!
We asked for Mojo Nixon, they said "He don't work here"
Don't believe them, don't believe them, question everything you're told
My friend Goo has a real time too; she always knows just what to do
Gridlock to the max, Jack
The classical Greeks were not influenced by the classical Greeks.
So... so you think you can tell... heaven from hell
No you don't understand, see you don't understand...
He sells contact lenses for a cubist world
We're just two lost souls swimmin' in a fishbowl, year after year
What poor gods we do make.
Pig's in zen...
There were Arabs with knives at the foot of the bed.
I guess they know I'm not no company man but I can pull on a rope, I can kill a cow, well as any other fucker can!
I live like this 'cuz I like it; I've seen too much to pretend. You can't know the beauty of the things that you love like you can't stand the hatred and the lies...
I know the road, I know where it goes; that's why I'm going so slow...
I just walk right through the door...
The backbone of this country is the independent trucks.
Mommy's all right, Daddy's all right, they just seem a little weird
What a useless scroll, all it says is "Hastur Hastur Hastur" over and over again.
My moral standing is lying down.
I don't want anybody else; when I think about you I touch myself
I hate myself to sleep at night
But she looked good in ribbons...
Don't open your eyes, you won't like what you see; the devils of truth steal the souls of the free... don't open your eyes, take it from me -- I have found you can find happiness in slavery...
Don't eat yellow snow.
I wanna reach up and touch the sky; I wanna touch the sun but I don't wanna fry
Man steps in with a terminal grin... blue skies turn to grey...
Here he comes -- here comes Speed Racer -- he's a demon on wheels
Go Speed Racer Go Speed Racer Go Speed Racer Go
You've caught an even atom tan
Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.
Quite content to sit on this fence... quite content, now a little bit older...
I... have become... comfortably numb
Happiness is mandatory. Are you happy?
The reason people get lost in thought is because it is, to many, rather unfamiliar territory.
Better to have thirty minutes of wonderful than a lifetime of nothing special.
I am feeling so grey today...
If you're so special, why aren't you dead?
Don't knock masturbation; isn't sex with someone you love the best kind?
Take care of the cojones and the frijoles will take care of themselves.
Look out, you're gonna craaash.
You're about as subtle as a tank.
I'm looking for a cynical girl
Congregation, please be seated
The wind is loud and sometimes pungent.
The wind is plowed and sometimes sturgeon.
Vacuum packed for freshness.
Drive carefully. 90% of the people in the world are caused by accidents.
Oh, no, not again.
Fuzzy Wuzzy wuz a bear.
Never eat more than you can lift.
Fait accompli...
People are blinky
Did you know that if you were a kangaroo, you couldn't be a mailman?
Money can't buy happiness, but poverty can't buy ANYTHING.
You killed Ted, you medieval dickweed!
This town needs an enema.
Girls will be boys and boys will be girls
Chaste makes waste.
Virginity can be cured.
He can't be a man cause he does not smoke the same cigarettes as me
Wake up, the whole world's gone...
Deity... he's come for me
My favorite weapon is the look in your eyes
Delicious and nutritious, tastes like chicken!
And where you are ain't no good unless you can get away from it
If she doesn't scare ya, no evil thing will...
I... I believe in love
A thousand lips, a thousand tongues, a thousand throats, a thousand lungs... a thousand ways to make it true, I want to do terrible things to you
Therefore, knowing that you are merely human, do not assign yourself merit.
I've come a long way since I've believed in anything
Ding a ding-dang my dang-a-long ling-long
Stop! I'm a girl whose fingernails are made of a mother's pearl...
It would seem that no matter how you slice it, it still comes up Velveeta.
Don't give up, push a pawn
No man is an island, but then no man is a potato salad, either.
What's blue and square? An orange in disguise...
Get a hat! Get a hairy hat!
Oh for the wings of any bird, other than a battery hen...
Kryten, unpack Rachel and get out the puncture repair kit!
Cyberspace is where you are when you're on the telephone.
How do you make a cat go moo? Ask it "Does a dog have the Buddha-nature?"
"How do you get all those coins?" "IN PAIRS."
Truly, the road to enlightenment is like unto half a mile of broken glass.
When you're a god, you don't have to have reasons.
I hate people who think it's clever to take drugs -- like customs officials.
If you are sitting, just sit. If you are walking, just walk. Above all, don't wobble.
Reality is the temporary resultant of the struggle between rival gangs of programmers.
Walk in shadow, walk in dread, Loosefish walk as like one dead
The more it stays the same, the less it changes.
If I was a woman I'd stay at home all day and play with my breasts.
Last time I was stoned, I tried to eat an airport.
You can't lick the system, but you can certainly give it a damn good fondling...
Nid yw Cymru ar werth!
"What did Medieval people do before television?" "Had tea, I suppose."
Of course you realize this means war.
Don't worry. Baldrick has a cunning plan.
Smile, and the whole world thinks you're laughing at them.
What do you get if you cross an elephant with a grape? |grape| * |elephant| * sin(theta).
On a scale of 1 to 4, what are your feelings about the colour green?
Bonzo the Demon Dog from Hell with Handlebars for Ears.
The universe is like a grapefruit -- it's yellow and dimply, and some people have half of one for breakfast.
Je suis un chou-fleur sous un echequier enorme.
As long as the music's loud enough, we won't hear the world falling apart.
Exorcise your right to vote!

Robert Bain

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Jul 6, 1996, 3:00:00 AM7/6/96
to

[Huge quotefile snipped]

A few comments.

Please format this for 70 columns or so. On some cheapo terminal
programs, this would be completely unreadable. As it is, it's only
mostly unreadable for me.

Cut down on the Sandman quotes. I like Neil Gaimans work as much as
anybody, but enough's enough!

Keep up the good work.

--
"With the benefit of hindsight, I can easily see how stupid that was..."
--- Eyebeam.
--- ObCriminal Speech: FUCK THE CDA!
---Arb...@soho.ios.com


Matthew R. Sheahan

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Jul 8, 1996, 3:00:00 AM7/8/96
to

Robert Bain (arb...@soho.ios.com) wrote:
> Please format this for 70 columns or so. On some cheapo terminal
> programs, this would be completely unreadable. As it is, it's only
> mostly unreadable for me.

sorry. the format is that required by its original purpose in life: a
database of quotes on a MUD. i'm not particularly interested in the
task of reformatting it for posting purposes. someone out there once
took upon themselves the task of HTMLizing the file; perhaps they still
exist.

> Cut down on the Sandman quotes. I like Neil Gaimans work as much as
> anybody, but enough's enough!

shrug. it's a community effort; people make suggestions and i add in
anything vaguely amusing. i suppose we've just had a lot of Sandman
fans around. they do grow on trees, y'know.

the Sandman quotes actually behave interestingly when taken out of
context, if i recall correctly.

> Keep up the good work.

sure.

chiaroscuro

Mad Maid Marion

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Jul 9, 1996, 3:00:00 AM7/9/96
to

This was Great.
I loved it.
One suggestion, if you do an other version,
please say who or what originaly said the quote.

Thanx again.
Keep spreading the Chaos!

High Priest\ess
"I can't believe I ate the Whole thing" CABAL
Wubb...@skypoint.com


Chris Gutteridge

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Jul 11, 1996, 3:00:00 AM7/11/96
to

Try our revised version: It's kept at
http://whig.ecs.soton.ac.uk/~cjg94/liber-D.html

I'm not going to post 85k of text here...

Mad Maid Marion (wubb...@popmail.skypoint.com) wrote:
: This was Great.


--

C.Elseware, Discordian. http://www.soton.ac.uk/~cjg194/index.html
"Belief is the thin end of the wedge of slavery"

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